Posted by Wabby at Wednesday, January 31, 2007 0 comments
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit
his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow
buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter
for your popcorn the rest of your life, better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact,
you
won't have butter for anything for the rest of your life!"
Then POOF she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself,he hollered for his friend, Fred
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back...."DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON'T
SWING!!!"
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing Cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In The memo field of all your cheques, write "for smuggling diamonds"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order Is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your colleagues address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep A healthy level of insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's called therapy.
A Dangerous Virus
There is a dangerous virus
being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is
called Worm-Overload-Recreational
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or
anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put
your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer
Bothersome-Employer-Eliminatio
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you
do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."
Q: What are the bumps for around a woman's nipples?
A: It's Braille for "Suck here"!
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"
The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night."
The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."
The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,
"Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says,
"Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies.
"It must be your feet, then."
LOL!
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
She is reportedly the ninth most successful pop artist on the planet, with a £75million fortune, but does that really excuse not knowing what a supermarket trolley is?
Janet Jackson is apparently so detached from reality that, while out shopping with r'n'b pal Missy Elliott, she thought a trolley – or cart as it is known in the US – was a scooter and rode it down the aisles.
The 40-year-old was also stumped by a 'square thing' at the checkout – the chip and Pin credit-card reader.
In fact, she did not even know you could pay by credit card at a supermarket.
Jackson told V Magazine: 'I haven't set foot in a grocery store in years. And that's so embarrassing.
'I kept going “What's this?”. First of all I had the cart and I was riding down the aisles, standing on it. And we got to the checkout and there's this square thing and I'm like, “What's this, you guys?”.
'They said, “That's so you can use your credit card”.
'And I said, “You can use your credit card in grocery stores now?” Missy just cracked up laughing.'
LOL I love that silly whore!
Grieving pet owners can now turn their dead animals into diamonds.
The gems, made using carbon from the pet's ashes, can be created from any animal from a hamster to a horse.
Pet Crematorium CPC, of Thiplow, Hertfordshire, charges from £2,100 to £15,000 depending on the diamond's size and quality.
Cost is not linked to the size of the pet.
The firm's Duncan Francis said: 'Having a stunning diamond created from the pet's ashes provides an everlasting link which some people find very comforting.'
In an assault that must have had prosecutors frantically checking the definition of 'blunt instrument', a police officer in Milwaukee was attacked with a colostomy bag on Tuesday.
Colostomy bags, for those not au fait with medical paraphernalia, are bags used to collect the faecal matter that leaves the body after a colostomy operation, which involves routing the colon through a hole in the abdomen so that the recipient can defecate out of a hole in their stomach.
The incident occurred when the officer was responding to a report of truancy in the Grand Avenue Mall just after 1pm on Tuesday. The officer found the teenager in question, and asked for his name an age. The teen wouldn't answer.
As the officer continued to question him, the teenager became more and more disruptive. In the end, the teen decided that the wisest course of action would be to throw his colostomy bag at the officer.
The bag contained bodily waste at the time, police confirmed.
A spokeswoman for the Milwaukee police said that they were treating the poo-flinging incident as 'injury to an officer', because of the possible harm that could result from faecal contamination.
One Man's Meat Is Another's Poison
A excerpt from The Daily Mail newspaper:
Welcome to Legou Tesco, the first store to open under the company banner in the Chinese capital Beijing.
Despite the retailing expertise which has turned it into Britain's biggest name in shopping, Tesco has been keen to fit in with local tastes and tradition.
Nearby, in large plastic dishes, offal - including tripe, hearts, unidentifiable intestines, livers and kidneys - from all manner of beasts, is displayed sliced, chopped and minced.
In the seafood section, large nets are available for customers to bag their preferred carp or eel, still swimming in tanks, while live turtles are also for sale.
Trays of hai shen, an ugly, black and hairy sea-slug which might have British shoppers calling hysterically for the health and safety inspector, are on special offer at £20 per lb.
British products, marked with a Union Jack, are confined to six small shelves.
A FEUDING neighbour was arrested for mowing his lawn in the NUDE, a court heard yesterday. Yan Price, 30, exposed himself to shocked housewives two weeks after cops reprimanded him for sunbathing naked in his garden, it was claimed. They saw him in the buff, apart from one glove, while bending to pick up dog muck. A shocked young mum told York Crown Court: “I felt intimidated. You could see everything.” Price — who denies exposing himself and breaching an Asbo — has had a two-year feud with his neighbours. He said he had been wearing a towel which slipped off as he mowed in Scarborough, North Yorks. The trial continues.
VICTORIA BECKHAM is showing zero tolerance for ultra-thin models — and has banned them from promoting her fashion label.
How about eating a Big Mac for once. Get some blubber on your ass. That'll make you more "real".
Some cynics say Victoria has picked curvy women so she will look better standing next to them when she launches the brand in LA. Yeah, that's the real reason!
"Full Figured" Mature, easy going Sub CD/TV.. Who Loves lingerie.. Likes all kinds of music. Steam railways. And Cooking. Watching Tv
I love a laugh too, Can fully dress too!
Easy going, laid back guy.. Who Loves the feel of Gorgeous Lingerie and Foundation Wear/Corsetry You can be a Crosdresser to, or A nice "Admirer".. Who likes to Give, "Slow-Sensual"- "A " and enjoys mutual "O", and wanking together.. Kissing and cuddling. Gay/ Bi-sexual and "Married guys" are certainly welcome! No rough stuff, watersports, Pain, rimming. Or any bizarre stuff. S&M and all that nonsense. Not My scene Period!!
Interested?
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
Awww
Granny re-living the good old days. Her tits still look quite firm, but I have no idea what's going on down below.
Words Women Use:
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, 'cause they know it's true
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget".
Q: If Mums have Mother's Day, and Fathers have Father's Day. What do Single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Tripod
Tripod
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?".
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted !!
I've just seen Jo O'Meara crying her eyes out on telly. At last, she's listening to what her PR company is telling her!
Nuns On The Run
FIFTY-five nuns were on the run last night after racking up debts of £400,000. The women — all called Maria — had secretly run a knitwear company on the side for ten years. Their convent supplied 25 shops and they blew a fortune travelling to fashion shows across Europe to keep up with trends. But the order of St Kyrikos and Ioulite in Northern Greece hit a cashflow crisis after spending huge sums on new machinery. Their expensive knitting machines were put on a lorry and the sisters disappeared a few days later — just like comics Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane in the hit film Nuns on the Run. Store owners complained the nuns — who also ran a candle-making and icon-painting business — vanished with thousands of pounds in deposits. Greek Orthodox Church officials believe they may be hiding at a monastery in Volos, Central Greece.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun ya penguins!
Album Reviews: A Whole New World
Some sarcastic reviews of the album on Amazon.co.uk:
"When I removed the CD from the case, I saw the image of God in its silver surface, which seemed to glow from a power within. I was in awe, and a little afraid, but a soothing voice reassured me that this "Whole New World" would be a better place.
I placed the CD in stereo, which turned itself on, though unplugged. As the first melodies poured forth, I realised the music was not coming from my speakers, but the heavens themselves.
I walked outside, and embraced my neighbours, all of us crying with joy. Such was the pitch of my ecstasy, my eyeballs imploded."
"like many others, I was ready to mock them for releasing a cd...When I listened to this...this....masterpiece that would make Bach quake in his shoes I cried...I then played the album to complete strangers in the street...forcing them to wear my earphones....we all cried and hugged each other (most of the restraining orders expire soon)...dancing along the street...exhorting our love for this work of.....dare I say....beauty...I will be creating a support group for those of you who can only listen to this album every so often....that you may meet others and group hug each other"
"What can I say? Listening to this was like having a herd of unicorns floating on a rainbow, sprinkled with moondust and smelling of bubblegum, swooshing and swirling around your head! This musical version of viagara rekindled some of the crazy-lovin' that me and Mrs Michaelson experienced when we were a-courtin'!"
"I am a missionary in Sierra Leone and work with many children who have lost limbs due to the illegal landmines that have been planted around villages where children play. It's heartbreaking work, some of these childen are in constant pain and obviously down in spirits. Apart from little Efe who is always playing tricks and stealing the other childrens artificial limbs.
We received Katie and Peter's album in a donation package from the UK and it was soon played on the ward as sadly our copy of Hasselhoff Sings America had been lost. Shortly after the music began the childrren began to lift in spirts and sit up in their beds, smiling and singing along.
Then, amazingly, their limbs began to grow back! Soon they were up dancing on newly grown legs and waving the arms that had returned from what only minutes ago were bloodied stumps."
"It's rare that an album can touch someone as detached and despairing as Kim Jong il, but that's what happened over Christmas. I was spending a drink and drug fuelled festive season trotting across the globe and ended up wearing a Santa costume and carrying a huge bag of cocaine through Pyongyang. I noticed what seemed to be a huge party and went inside. There in front of me was Kim Jong il, surrounded by hundreds, preparing to fire a first strike against Japan and Hawaii as his party piece.
His hand was literally inches away from global destruction and I knew I had to act. I slammed my CD of A Whole New World into the player at the bar and let those beautiful melodies play across the room. The transforming power of this most important of all works of art lept into the hearts of everyone there. In just a few minutes there was laughter, crying, people leaping for joy. Most importantly there was Kim, his finger still just above the button. A single tear rolled down his face as the seminal Cherish came on. His hand fell to his side and he smiled at me.
I know in my heart that if it wasn't for the genius, dedication and raw unstoppable talent this album enbodies we'd all be in fallout shelters deciding who to eat first right now...
Buy this album, you've got it to thank for democracy and freedom."
"I was at the brink of suicide, then I found this delightful cd and turned off the car engine. I cannot put to words the joy these songs have given to me in my life. My friends have said I appear more focussed, more happy and they have been asking me what I have been doing differently. This cd has taken me to a world I didn't know existed and opened up new avenues for me in the corporate world."
"The other day whilst drowning some puppies, I heard a beautiful sound in the distance. At first I thought that it may be another fella drowning some canines, as the sound was reminiscent of asphyxiated pooches, but on closer inspection I found it to be coming from a large house. I knocked on the door and several seconds later found myself face to face with an old lady: biscuit crumbs littered the corners of her mouth; her hair had the faint scent of human urine.
"What is this sound?", I asked her.
"It's Katie Price and Peter Andre's new album, A Whole New World", she replied with a honk and feminine picking of her nose. We then made sweet sweet love to the sound of monotonous screeching. The melodies that burst from Ms Price's silicone cleavage intertwined delightfully with the pungent warbling emanating from Mr Andre's greasy larynx.
If I were to have an album played at my funeral, it would most certainly be this one. I feel that my life would be most delightfully finalised with "Endless Love", and "To Die For" would be the selected tune for the funerals of my loved ones. Sometimes I think back to the day when I was introduced to this album, and I masturbate."
Harry Potter Has Come Of Age
Promotional pics of Daniel Radcliffe in his new play, Equus.
Cute, but far too young for me. I still see him as that little wizard.
Monday, January 29, 2007
40 Funny Reasons Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman
1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.
7. Women live longer than men.
8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake.
26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.
30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
That's it. I'm off to get a sex change op!
The truth is always less painful
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked,
"What do you have under the newspaper?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids.
The Italian Virgin
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
SAFETY TIPS
SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex show.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is NOT a good place to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive.
SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. No matter how big the guys Dick, on the screen, is; remember it's all done with smoke, mirrors, and a dildo. Don't bother drooling. And if you find yourself drooling remember to swallow, or spit whatever, often. Drool, on keyboards can cause shorts and is nasty to clean.
2. Plugging a dildo into the USB port will void the manufacturers warrantee.
3. To cool off your "heat of passion" take a shower and wash the sweat off your fat ass.
4. Keyboard cleaning kits do NOT work for sweaty, fat, chicks' drool.
5. Vaginal juice is a very slippery substance; IF you spend a lot of time at XXX sites it is suggested you have a seat-belt installed on your computer chair and PLENTY of clean panties.
OFFICIALS are bracing themselves for a storm of public outrage over their controversial X-ray cameras scheme.
As part of the most shocking extension of Big Brother powers ever planned here, lenses in lampposts would snap “naked” pictures of passers-by to trap terror suspects.
The proposal is contained in leaked documents drawn up by the Home Office and presented to PM Tony Blair’s working group on Security, Crime and Justice.
But the prospect of the State snooping on individuals’ most private parts is certain to spark national fury.
And officials are battling to find a way of dealing with that reaction.
A January 17 memo discusses the cameras, which can see through clothes.
It says “detection of weapons and explosives will become easier” and says cameras could be deployed in street furniture.
KELLY Osbourne says she won’t live in Japan — because of their TOILETS. The 22-year-old has just spent two months there filming ITV2 series Turning Japanese. She said: “In public toilets you don’t have to touch anything. A machine gives loo roll and makes birdie noises so you can’t hear the person next door break wind. It spoils the fun!” I love those crazy Japs! And their toilets are really suited to my Virgoan tendencies.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Congratulations Shilpa!
My brownie won Celebrity Big Bro! I never thought that would happen. Whoo whoo!
Congrats also to Jermaine Jackson. He's such a nice, mellow, wise man!
Five mistakes women make in bed
An amusing article from that sexpert Tracy Cocks, I mean, Cox.
1. We don't know enough about sex or his bits.
'She goes all giggly and girly whenever I try to talk to her about how to touch and excite me. She thinks it's cute but I find it insulting that not only wouldn't she have the first clue about how my penis works, she's got no interest in finding out.'
He's right. You do need to know some basic anatomy. While it's true that what worked with Barry won't necessarily work with Brian, our genitals are all wired up the same way and most of us have the same hot spots. Sex is a bit like typing. We can all sit down in front of a computer keyboard and bash something out using two fingers. But you're never going to be as good as the person who uses 10 and took the touch-typing course. Buy a good sex book and study it. Once you've got the basic biology figured, combine it with 'field research': touching and testing the areas that are meant to feel good when stimulated and you're bound to be a better lover than the girl who's stuck at the point-and-giggle-at-his-dangly-bits stage.
2. We expect men to be mind-readers.
'I asked if she'd had an orgasm and she said no. I asked her why and she said 'Because I felt like oral sex and you didn't give me any. If you really loved me, you'd have known that was what I wanted'.
Sorry girls but again, I'm on his side. Expecting your lover to second-guess your every desire is rubbish. Just because someone knows you well and wants to please you, doesn't mean they suddenly have access to a crystal ball. Plenty of women think their lover comes equipped with an amazing radar which allows him to know exactly what she's in the mood for at that exact moment with absolutely no input from her. Well, speak up or forever lie back and think of England.
3. We only seem to like sex at the beginning. Once the relationship is serious, we lose interest.'It's been the same with every girlfriend I've ever had. They're all over you in the beginning but stop wanting it at all once you've been together for a while. Some guys think it means we're just not interested in sex at all. We fake it in the beginning until we've 'got him', then drop the act. I think there's a far less sinister and more logical reason to explain it. Women get bored with sex if it becomes predictable. And if we're bored, it's hard for us to orgasm because we need a lot more mental and physical stimulation than he does to topple us over the edge.
I admit, it's not the healthiest of attitudes but it is understandable. Most people wouldn't dream of sitting down to the same meal every single night of their life yet most couples follow the same routine every single time they have sex. Vary just one thing every time you have sex. It might be a different position. A new room. The lights on or off. You might be dressed, half-dressed or completely naked. Music on, music off. It's easy! It takes little imagination but works wonders.
4. We leave it all up to him.
'Q: What's the difference between making love to your long-term girlfriend and eating a bowl of spaghetti? A: At least the spaghetti moves so you know it's alive.'
Some women think it's not only his job to initiate sex, it's his job to do all the work during it as well. You want to be able to be the boss in the boardroom? Well, take some responsibility in the bedroom as well. It's a cop out to expect him to do everything while you just lie there. Take the lead by seducing him occasionally. You take control during foreplay. You jump on top of him for intercourse, rather than the other way around. If you want to really impress him, initiate sex when he least expects it (anytime except when you're both turning in for the night).
5. We're too paranoid about our bodies to enjoy sex.
'She hates side-by-side sex because it makes her tummy look fat. She won't get on top because she's worried her breasts will look funny. She won't even go to the loo unless I promise not to look at her bottom.'
Most men aren't as fussy about body shape as we think they are. The truth is, and it's been proven over and over again, our idea of a perfect body isn't his. A few extra pounds (which mean the world to us), add the curves that men find really sexy. They don't think 'fat' and 'lumpy'. They think soft, warm, female and voluptuous. If you're jumping into bed worried about your body, it stands to reason your sex life will suffer. In a US survey, women with a positive body image said they had orgasms 73 percent of the time. Self-conscious women reached orgasm only 42 percent of the time. Sex is all about what's happening inside, not outside. If you're desperately trying to suck your stomach in, you're not mentally tuning into being turned on. Being a good lover is about feeling confident. Feel sexy and you'll be it!
Have you got "daddy issues"?
The term is applied to a woman (or man?) who experiences difficulty as an adult in romantic or sexual relationships with men as a supposed result of a poor relationship with her father when she was a child or an adolescent. Such a father-daughter relationship may be one that leaves the female feeling as though she has been abandoned by her father. Alternatively, she could come to feel as though she has not received enough attention, affirmation, or affection from her father. A woman with daddy issues may come from a home where the parents were divorced and the father moved away, or she may never have known her father well as a result of being raised by a single mother. Other typical explanations often given for daddy issues include an emotionally distant father, a father who spent a great deal of time away from the home, or a workaholic male parent.
According to typical usage, a woman with daddy issues may be promiscuous or seek excessive or inappropriate attention from males in an attempt to rectify a lack of closeness with her father. Again, it should be stressed that the term does not represent an officially recognized medical or psychological condition.
Request By The Penis
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request Denied ... for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early
Although it is noted that:
Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations
A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"
The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Cute guy but he's not doing anything for me (because of my weird tastes).
So enjoy, if he's your cup of tea!
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Did you watch Jo O'Meara getting kicked off Celebrity Big Brother? Compare her exit to Jade's. It was pretty damn clear Jade was thoroughly briefed about outside events and was definitely coached into admitting that she was a bully. Jo's reaction is the reaction that Jade should've had: one of confusion, incredulity, and even denial. Tut, and there was Davina endlessly repeating "Jade has come out and admitted she was a bully".
Jade was TOLD to say those things! Grrrrrrr.
I don't think Jo really deserves to be punished. What has she said or done in the house?
1) She's impersonated Shilpy. I do that whenever I come across someone with an accent.
2) She's slagged her off. So what? Is that not allowed?
3) She made the comment that the reason Indians are skinny is because they don't cook their food properly. Admittedly, it looks bad, but all this does is highlight her ignorance. People make judgements all the time about other cultures. Is it racist or is it ignorance? They're not inextricably linked.
4) She starting giggling when Shilpa asked for her help. Jo was never going to go up against Jade anyway. And her reaction is one that I can identify with. To laugh was not to trivialise it, but it's a defence mechanism. When put in an uncomfortable situation, some people laugh.
CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
Jesse Dorris, an inmate in the Lincoln County (Neb.) Jail, demanded
to be removed from his cell because, he said,
his cell mate, Brian Bruggeman, 38, had "bad gas." Jailers moved
him to another cell but, at the next meal, Bruggeman cut in line to be
by Dorris so he could fart on him. Dorris hit Bruggeman, who was
serving 90 days for violating a protective order. County deputies were
called in to investigate, and "smelled a liar but quickly sniffed out
who was guilty," a spokesman said. "It was an air tight case."
Bruggeman has been charged with assault on a confined person -- a
felony punishable by up to 5 years in state prison. Dorris was not
charged. (North Platte Bulletin) ...We all know guys like Bruggeman,
and no one will be surprised if he ends up in the gas chamber.
Friday, January 26, 2007
One-Question IQ Test
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer..
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
Menopause The Musical
Like musicals? Click HERE for Menopause The Musical. Fill out the form to receive a discount coupon. Opens in London this Spring.
You Disgusting Gays!
From a website called "Love God's Way"
Are you struggling with undesired same-sex attractions? Maybe you have been a Homosexual for a long time, but now are searching for a way out. You have come to the right place! Love God's Way is offering hope and help to people seeking freedom from being Gay. We believe and we have seen in thousands of lives that this freedom is possible through the power of our C.H.O.P.S program working in our hearts and minds.
The bottom line - you shouldn't be gay! (lol!) You can lead a life of fulfillment and happiness as God intended, a life far better than what your Gay life has offered.
The journey to normalcy isn't an easy one, but we will be with you through the adventure. Our national network of online Christian ministries are devoted to providing the love and care you need as you find God, holiness, and healing.
One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy.Bands to watch out for
A Job For Any Unemployed Fags Reading This
Text Jockeys WANTED for Gay and Straight TV Channels
Do you have a GSOH? Do you like to interact with real people about real life issues? Are you a focused individual with a gift for entertaining? Are you available to start work immediately?
If your answer is yes to all of the above then being a Text Jockey is the ideal job for you.
You will edit, transcribe and publish messages from the public onto our very busy chat and date TV channels on Sky 873 & 874. You will generate your own messages in order to generate maximum response from your audience. You will be an open minded individual who is able to interact with people from all walks of life
Rate of pay: £6.50 - £7.80 p/h plus BONUS & COMMISSION
Shift work and weekends.
If you are interested in becoming a Text Jockey e-mail your CV and covering letter to: pdevanney@4dinteractive.co.uk
An interesting article I read.
Always leaving work at the same time as the hottest guy in the office? 'Accidentally' bumping into him in the office gym, oh, and the pub last Friday night? If he still doesn't know your name (but runs in the other direction), it's fair to say you're failing to get his attention –and scaring the hell out of him. It's time to ask yourself if you're coming on a bit too strong.
While the dictionary definition of stalking is to 'harass someone with unwanted and obsessive attention' and it is certainly not a matter to be taken lightly, sometimes strong and obvious advances can help you score the ultimate love goal.
Lucy, 27, from London, got dumped by Edward, whom she had been casually dating for a few weeks. 'After being dumped twice by Ed, I felt he clearly wasn't getting the message that I was in fact his “one”,' she says. 'I thought, if you at first don't succeed, try, try again. So that's what I did.'
Driven by drink
She ended up in dangerous territory when, inebriated, she banged on his front door at 3am – not once but on two occasions. 'The second time, he took pity on me, let me in and we had a heartfelt conversation. That was two years ago and we're still together.' However, harassing people in the early hours is not the best way to snag your bloke – so stay in control of your emotions.
Chartered psychologist Ashley Goff says the pursuit of another needs to be kept in check. 'The basis of stalking is fantasy. It causes a person to have intense emotions and act irrationally. And, when we fall in love or have a crush, we often fantasise about the other person. But it's all about keeping some element of reality.'
So when is it bordering on unhealthy? 'There's a fine line,' says Goff. 'Finding out from a friend where your crush drinks isn't something to really worry about. But pretending to like something they like to desperately have something in common is. You're changing yourself and letting your imagination run away with you.'
Dave, 27, lost all sense of reality when he proposed to Sarah, 25, from Wimbledon, South-West London after dating her for only three months. Sarah said: 'I laughed it off as a joke. But then he proposed to me on Fame TV, a Sky channel that lets members of the public record their own messages, and then organised a surprise “engagement party”.' Clearly, the message wasn't getting through.
Don't overdo it
Relationship expert, Kate Taylor, from dating website Match.com, says there are ways to show your love without sending the object of your affection running for the hills.
'Do not give actions and words together. Either do keen things [take them out somewhere special] or say keen things but not both. Together they are frightening.
Men typically show actions because it suits them and women opt to say keen things,' she says. 'Another way is to backdate your interest. Tell them: “I used to have a huge crush on you.” That is much more effective than looking keen now and they'll want to win you back.'
Francis Dean, dating expert from Cupidbay.com, also suggests using carefully placed compliments. 'A straightforward compliment may seem a risk at an early stage but is actually a marker of how a person feels,” Dean says. 'Noticing a small detail about the other person will likely come across as genuine; clichéd compliments could easily backfire. Be careful, though – too many over-the-top comments will seem needy and fake.'
And if you are indeed a keen bean, be warned: you could be on the receiving end one day. Liv, 28, from London, learned her lesson after having a huge crush on a boy at college. 'It was very unhealthy. I took pictures of him while he was playing football and would trail the corridors in case I bumped into him. I knew his address, I knew what car he drove, I knew where he worked part-time.
'A few years later, we bumped into each other in a local bar and, thankfully, my feelings had waned. But we went on a few dates. The pedestal I had put him on collapsed and I lost interest. He soon started calling me and texting me, waiting outside my work and left flowers at my door. It was creepy and pathetic.'
What works?
● Non-sexual affection: A neutral non-sexual gesture such as offering your help for a task or advice on a problem will most likely be perceived as thoughtful and sweet rather than overwhelming, threatening or imposing.
● Imagination: If you surprise someone with an imaginative idea for a date, it shows that a lot of thought and effort has gone into the planning and reflects positive personality traits.
Beware: Showering someone with lots of attention or gifts might be seen as the 'easy option,' says Francis Dean.
Little oxygen masks for pets are becoming standard equipment for firemen in the United States.
Hoping to save cats, dogs and other pets caught in house fires, animal welfare groups and pet-products suppliers are equipping departments all over the country with them.
The cone-shaped plastic masks, which come in three sizes and fit snugly on snouts, can resuscitate animals suffering from smoke inhalation. They can be used on dogs, cats, ferrets, rabbits, guinea pigs and even birds.
Awww that's so cute!
Mannequin Fetish Man Jailed
A man who acknowledged a sexual fetish for female-shaped mannequins was sentenced to more than a year in prison after repeatedly breaking into storefront windows.
Ronald Dotson, 39, from Detroit in the United States, was sentenced to 18 months on charges of breaking and entering and being a habitual criminal.
Do you like my mannequin? Unfortunately he doesn't have a thingy so I can't quite enjoy him properly.
A furious mother hit out at a "stingy" primary school today after her eight-year-old daughter was given just bread and water for her lunch after she forgot her dinner money.
LOL! That's too cruel!
Don't Try This At Work
A boy suffered a serious eye infection after a teacher photocopied his head for a 'light and dark' school project.
Five-year-old Luke Wilson had a headache and red and itchy eyes when he went home, but his parents put it down to tiredness.
When the problems persisted the next day, his father Tony asked if anything had happened at school and Luke recounted the incident.
Mr Wilson, 29, said: 'We couldn't believe it. We took Luke straight to an optician, who said he had suffered some sort of irritation.'
After taking Luke to hospital, Mr Wilson and wife Jane, 29, were told their son had allergic conjunctivitis, which can be caused by exposure to strong light.
Psychology of Sleeping Positions- For Partners
I previously posted an article about sleeping positions and what it might mean. Well this one is for those who have a partner. Lucky bitches.
A sleep behaviour study (conducted in 1996) exposed truths about Brits' relationships... and it's all down to how we SLEEP. The research identified the most popular sleeping positions for British couples and what it says about the state of their relationship.
Relationship psychologist Corinne Sweet teamed up with hotel giants Travelodge for the sleep behaviour study.
The study revealed the most common sleeping position for British lovers is the "Liberty" which is a back to back, but not touching position at 27%.
Corinne has identified the most popular positions couples sleep in and how it can speak volumes about the quality of their relationship.
The most common sleeping positions include:
Liberty
Back to back but not touching (27%)
This couple feel connected whilst independent enough to sleep separately. They are use to each other and accept each other's sleeping habits
Cherish
Back to back but touching (23%)
This couple are comfortable, intimate and relaxed with each other. A popular position in a new relationship
Spoons - Male
Spoons with the female on the inside (20%)
A traditional position in which the male takes the lead and protects his partner, even while she sleeps
Spoons - Female
Spoons with the female on the outside (8%)
In this position the female takes the lead and protects her man while he is sleeping.
Lovers Knot
Face to face, legs intertwined for ten minutes then couple separate to sleep (10%)
This position demonstrates a loving independence, it's a sign of intimacy, love and sexual activity - even though the couple separate and sleep apart
The Romantic
Woman lying with head and arm on man's chest (4%)
This is the popular Hollywood movie bed scene position. An intimate pose much favoured in a new relationship or after love making. It represents new/rekindled love
Pillow talk
Face to face but not touching (3%)
This position represents an intimate need for one-to-one contact and conversation in bed
The Lovers
Face to face with legs intertwined all night (2%)
This is love's young dream position where you cannot bear to be separated as each moment together counts. A position for the born romantics
Superwoman
Woman lying in star fish position with man hanging off the bed (2%)
The woman rules the bed in this position, she likes her space and the man takes a secondary role and lets her take it
Superman
Man lying in star fish position with woman hanging off the bed (1%)
In this position the male is king of the bed, he likes to have his way and the female is happy to oblige
Relationship Psychologist, Corinne Sweet, said: "Couples fall into habitual ways of sleeping together that suits their personalities and personal preferences. These are negotiated at the outset, so if something changes in how they sleep together, this can reflect a change in their relationship and cause concern for the other partner.
"There are habitual tell-tale signs to look out for, which can change if either partner is stressed, unwell or feeling upset. Sleeping positions tend to be habits established in childhood, and tend, also, to reflect our individual personalities. When we form love relationships, we have to work out how to sleep comfortably with another person.
Inevitably, once the first flush of lust wears off, with couples naked and entwined, it is more likely that the need for a good night's sleep predominates, so sleeping back to back becomes a favourable position in bed."
The survey also revealed 22% of Brits adapt their sleep position depending on the person they are with.
Forty two per cent of respondents said if they have had a row with their partner, they change their sleeping position. More than three quarters of couples said they lie back to back and as far apart as possible after they have had an argument.
Corinne Sweet commented: "Individual psychological states also affect how we sleep and the positions we sleep in, so if we are stressed we may be irritable, and not want to snuggle up with our partner. Arguments often lead to sleeping wide apart, as people feel loathe to touch. Women's temperatures rise with menstruation, so they may want to sleep less entwined during their 'time of the month'."
To dispel the myth that you should never go to bed on an argument, the study identified that one in twenty couples wake up in the night to start rowing. A more traditional 40 per cent wake up in the night to indulge in some nookie.
More than a third of couples frequently sleep in separate bedrooms according to the research. Snoring was named the main culprit for sleeping apart, followed by rowing and just needing a good nights sleep.
An overwhelming 92% of couples stick to the same side of their beds every night with only a bedhopping eight per cent who like to alternate. More women at 51% hog the duvet whilst 61% men hog the majority of the bed.
Size does not matter in the bed room with 60% Brits opting for a double bed whilst only 35% go for a king size bed.
Worrying about money at 55% is the main concern to stop most adults getting a good night sleep followed by family at 44%, work at 36% and relationships at 27%.
The survey also revealed that more than half of people questioned said they felt their sex life was better if they 'cuddled-up' more during the night. More men at 67% responded that their sex life was better if they cuddled up more during the night. 34% of men said that it annoyed them if their partner did not cuddle them in bed in comparison to 26% women.
For most couples, their time chatting in bed is the most time they have to talk with each other on a daily basis and that talk can be crucially important to their relationship.
19% of women opt for cute and comfy pyjamas rather than sexy lingerie. Although 37% of British men and women choose to sleep completely in the buff.
Fifty four per cent of adults can tell if their partner is cheating on them, by the way they sleep. Women at 60% are more vigilant under the duvet and can detect if their other half is playing away, by his bedroom antics. Over 3% of men have made the cardinal sin and called their wife or girlfriend the wrong name in bed.
Research conducted by 72 point in September 2006 with over 2000 adults
SUSPECTED serial killer Robert Pickton may have had sex with the corpses of his victims, a court heard yesterday.
Witnesses told police that millionaire pig farmer Pickton, 57, “had sex with the women once they were dead”.
He was also allegedly seen “skinning a woman” as her body hanged from a meat hook.
The jury heard the claims on a tape of a police interview with Pickton after his arrest in 2002.
Ewwwwwww!!
Yesterday a judge told Derek Williams, a paedophile who downloaded child pornography onto this computer, that he could not jail him because of the Home Secretary’s emergency orders to cope with overflowing prison population.
Earlier, Judge John Rogers had said he wanted to send Williams down — but Reid had decreed that only the most dangerous and persistent criminals should be jailed.
The judge told Mold Crown Court in North Wales: “I have to bear in mind a communication from the Home Secretary.”
Seems like everyone's in uproar. There are really two questions to be answered: should a person be imprisoned simply for downloading child porn and does the downloader come within the "most dangerous" category?
Does he really deserve to be shoved in prison for 6 months? Yes, he's got a nasty predilection for young flesh, and his habit feeds the market for child pornography, but as for an appropriate punishment in the current climate of overflowing prisons, it is only right that he not be imprisoned. Had he been grooming a child over the Internet, or had actually attacked children previously, then he'd be a danger and should be imprisoned. Not every paedophile who downloads child porn ends up attacking a child in real life. When you imprison someone for downloading child porn, what you're really saying is that the person MIGHT end up attacking a child so it's better to imprison the person now. That can only be wrong. A person shouldn't be imprisoned for something they might do, only for what they have actually done which has caused harm to the child. The real culprits are the ones who actually took the pictures! They are the ones who should be imprisoned.
I guess the reason why downloading child porn is an offence which attracts a custodial sentence is because the government bowed to sensationalised headlines of paedophile attacks and to pressure from overprotective mothers around the country who would prefer to know the whereabouts of every paedo, whether they have acted on their lust or not, so that they can drive them out of the area.
So anyway, in conclusion: I think it's right that the paedo wasn't imprisoned, for two reasons:
1) Prisons are currently overflowing and only the most dangerous criminals should be imprisoned. Obviously this situation must not be allowed to continue forever. We do need more prisons and the decision to imprison someone should not be dictated by the capacity of prisons.
2) Simply downloading child porn for a paedo to wank over should not be punishable by a prison sentence. The essence of a crime is that you have harmed someone else. Here, the downloader has not harmed anyone. He simply downloaded an image that was already on the Internet. It wasn't "made to order". Had it been, then the paedo should be imprisoned because he is inciting someone else to produce those images.
A group of whinging Englishmen who live in Australia succeeded yesterday in their long campaign to outlaw advertising that depicted Englishmen as whingers.
The Advertising Standards Bureau ruled that the Englishmen were right to be offended by an advertisement for beer that negatively stereotyped and demeaned English people.
The advertisement ended with a voiceover saying: “Introducing Tooheys New Supercold, served so cold it’s a Pom’s worst nightmare.” The bureau ruled that negative words in the advertisement detracted from what it said was the otherwise playful nature of the word Pom. Instead, Pom had been given “a derogatory and almost hostile meaning”, Mark Jeanes, the acting chief of the bureau, said. The advert has been withdrawn.
We so ARE a bunch of whingers! We moan when it's cold, moan when it's hot, moan when there's a drought, and moan when it rains. We seriously need to chill the fook out and be able to laugh at ourselves.
Maddy and family at the UK premiere of some kids' film. David was dumped at home with the nanny.
I've been to that BK!!!
Right I'm off to bed. Happy wanking. xxxx
Cancer Therapy Makes Your Willy Smaller
Men who have hormone and radiation therapy for prostate cancer can experience penile shortening, a study has suggested.
Turkish researchers studied 47 men who were receiving the treatments, the Journal of Urology reported.
Holy shit, if my willy got any smaller then my gender would become ambiguous! lol
Thursday, January 25, 2007
New Words for 2007
I think I posted some of these already. Oh well here you go again.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McShit with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks.
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
(1)Three Little Words That Work
The three little words are: "Hold On please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes.
If enough people follow these tips, it will work !
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got
the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON
PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
lol!
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
> >>bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
> >>throat.
> >>
> >> Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
> >>
> >> "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at
> >>a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We
> >>went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
> >>of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over,
> >>lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
> >>wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse .
> >>Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
> >>looks like yours!'"
> >>
> >> "I don't remember much after that ."
____
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried coldshowers, prayer, reading from the Bible.. anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Homebase , either.
__
Texas Farmer
A Texas farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on
a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you
like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,"Are they
as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran
from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are
they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
"Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood
got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna
get screwed out of my peaches."
_____
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_____
A man and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years' younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Got to love that fairy!
____
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
____
Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he has passed a little maths test. The foreman says to paddy, " Here is the first question. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says "Dat is easy," and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks him.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. Then he continues, "The second question is. Apply the same rules and illustrate the number 99 this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a minute or two and then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
The Irishman explains, "Each of da trees is dirty now, so it's dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he is going to have to give the Irishman the job. "Alright." he says "This is your last question. The same rules apply again but this time illustrate the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space for a long minute and then picks up the picture and draws a little misshapen blob at the base of each tree. Then he says, "Dere you go, 100."
The boss scratches his head, looks at the picture and then bursts out, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
The Irishman leans forwards and points at the little marks at the base of each of the trees. Then he says, "A little dog came along and crapped at the bottom of each tree. So now you have got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, dat makes 100.....So when do I be starting de job?"
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, then he loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
LMAO!!!!!
Cool Toy
A one-week-old dinosaur which – its makers claim – develops its own 'personality' depending on how its owner treats it and can respond to its surroundings could be on the shelves in toy shops by this summer, it was revealed on Tuesday.
The Pleo is described as a 'lifeform' by its manufacturers Ugobe, and is said to 'feel' pain, have its own rudimentary emotions and can yawn, hiccup and sneeze.
A prototype of the toy, designed by the American Caleb Chung - who also came up with the Furby doll - was demonstrated today at Britain's biggest toy fair in London's ExCel Centre.
Ugobe are hoping it will rival the remote-control robot Robosapiens to become one of the best-selling toys of 2007 and plan to have it on the shelves by July or August.
The small green and brown dinosaur is based on the long-extinct Camarasaurus and its physiology has been created through looking at original fossils of the Jurassic creature.
Mr Chung said: 'Pleo is the first truly autonomous life form capable of emotions that allow personal engagement.'
The toy has sensors fitted all over its body as well as microphones on either side and an infra-red camera in its nose so that it reacts like a real living, breathing dinosaur.
Although it will never grow in size, its personality develops depending on how much or how little he is looked after.
Abuse sensors will pick up if he is 'hurt'. If he is hit in the leg, he might limp for up to 20 minutes, demonstrators at the Vivid Imaginations stand at the London fair said.
One added: 'If you are nice, he will become a nice dinosaur but if you are not, he will become unpleasant.' What's it going to do? Bite off a limb?
The toy, which weighs 3 1/2 lbs, is still in the prototype stage but will eventually be battery powered and is expected to cost around £250 when it finally hits the shops later this year.
Michelin Lips Sues!
Ewwwwwwwwww!
The repugnant Pete "Michelin Lips" Burns revealed today he is suing his plastic surgeon for 'wrecking his career and life'.
Burns, singer with 1980s pop band Dead or Alive, has had several cosmetic procedures on his face and is suing a Harley Street surgeon for an estimated £1 million over a botched attempt to remove lip implants.
Burns said he looked like he had been 'mutilated with a Stanley knife' after surgery to correct the original problems left his top lip hanging off. Eww.
The singer, who re-surfaced in last year's Celebrity Big Brother, has had more than 100 operations by specialists in Italy to try to correct the damage but fears he will always be disfigured.
Speaking from Italy, where surgeon Giovanni Ferrando is due to operate again on his lips, Burns said: "It has taken away my life and my career. I saw doctors in London who said the only option was to amputate my lips.(lol!) I was suicidal."
In 2000 Burns went to Dr Maurizio Viel at the London Centre for Aesthetic Surgery to have a lip implant removed.
But instead of having the original implant taken out, he was injected with a filler called Evolution and then later with another called Outline.
Despite complications, Dr Viel persisted and injected more of the substance - only for the problems to escalate, causing swelling, blisters, discharge and lumps.
Well since he is penniless, he's got to find ways of making money somehow. What I want to know is why did he not sue as soon as he started getting all those nasty complications?? It just doesn't make sense to have waited that long. Silly tranny.£9 DVD Player
A SUPERMARKET is selling the UK's cheapest DVD player for under a TENNER.
Asda (or Chavsda) stores will be open from 6am today, with the Durabrand 1005 models on the shelves for £9 - a far cry from the £600 a DVD player cost a decade ago.
But bargain hunters will have to be quick - Asda expects all 80,000 machines to be snapped up by Saturday.
13 Year Old Brother Rapes 10 Year Old Sister!
A BOY of 13 told a court yesterday how he learned to rape his 10-year-old sister from a sex education video.
The teenager, who cannot be named, attacked the girl twice in her bedroom - ignoring her pleas to stop.
But the children's foster mother became suspicious after going upstairs during the second assault and called police, Birmingham crown court heard.
The boy admitted two rape charges and was handed a three year supervision order. Mr Justice Hedley said the defendant too had been the "victim of sexual abuse".
Anthony Rose, defending, said: "His background is very significant."
Shocking!
A NEW book claiming Princess Diana may have been schizophrenic sparked fury last night. Author Howard Hodgson — who says he is a friend of Prince Charles — alleges Diana was “psychotic” or “mentally ill”. The claims, based on conversations with her doctors, are made in a 35-page chapter entitled Mental Problems. One unnamed medic says he was summoned after the princess had “violent tantrums” and she once had to be “physically restrained” at Highgrove. I knew that bitch was nuts!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
A boredom game. Click on the moving numbers in numerical order as fast as possible. It took me 120 seconds to get 'em all.
Secret Celebrity Exposed! Click HERE!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
.................AND HE WROTE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a
delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.
Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?
MICROWAVE ovens can be used to combat deadly food poisoning bugs by sterilising kitchen cloths, scientists have claimed.
Experiments show that zapping sponges, cloths and plastic scouring pads for just two minutes in a microwave can kill 99 per cent of the germs contained in them.
Dishcloths and sponges are notorious for harbouring bacteria and viruses, such as E. coli and salmonella, which kill more than 500 Britons a year.
Can we put panties in the microwave too?
UK's Most Expensive Flat
This second-floor apartment in London has just been sold for a record £3,000 per square foot, making it the most expensive flat in the country.
The sale of the £12 million, three bedroom flat, which spans adjoining period houses in the historic square, reflects the spiralling top end of the market.
It is in Eaton Square, one of Chelsea's smartest addresses and is in immaculate condition. The interiors are by James Gorst, a fashionable young designer who has worked for Prince Charles, and feature an opulent marble master bathroom and a 52in plasma TV.
*Sigh* Any rich bitches wanna invite me to their plush pad? Let me experience some luxury for once in my life!
My Name is Kong
Get yourself a Chinese name here!
After inputting the details, my Chinese name turned out to be Kong Dan Ping.
Erm. I think I'll try again.
Well I'm back from the interview. I wasn't nervous at all. The interview was with someone called Tee Tan, or was it Ting Tong? Pah, these names are confusing! The job is only part time (3 days/week) and it's paid on a consultative basis i.e. I get paid per report. It takes her one week to do a report so I don't know how long it would take me. Bitch didn't tell me how much she would pay per report either. She'll get back to me on Monday (regarding second interviews), but I'm not keeping my hopes up.
NEXT!
People who infect their partners with sexually transmitted diseases could be jailed, it emerged yesterday.
Sufferers passing on diseases such as syphilis, herpes and chlamydia could face criminal charges unless they first warn their lovers about their condition, the Crown Prosecution Service announced.
The plans would also affect those who carry gonorrhea and hepatitis as well as people who have HIV.
Wearing a condom would not stop a prosecution, although it would influence how seriously the offence was treated. The case could even go to court if the victim refused to testify.
The plans are due to be unveiled soon by Sir Ken Macdonald, the Director of Public Prosecutions.
An iguana called Mozart, who has had a permanent erection since he mated a week ago, may have to have his penis cut off if his condition does not subside.
But, even if amputation is necessary, the future is not entirely bleak – the lizards have two penises.
Keepers at Aquatopia Zoo in Antwerp, Belgium, will make their decision tomorrow.
Prof Trevor Cox, of the acoustic research centre at Salford University carried out a worldwide online experiment involving more than 1.1million people to state which sounds they hated the most.
1. Vomiting
2. Microphone feedback
3= Babies crying
3= Scrape or squeak (eg: train wheels)
5. Seesaw squeaking
6. Violin
7= Fart
7= A baby crying
9= Argument on a soap opera
9= Mains electricity hum
11. Tasmanian devil
12= Cat spitting and howling
12= Coughing
12= Mobile ringtones
15. Creaky door
16= Dogs barking
16= Sniffing
16= Fingernails scraping down a blackboard
16= Polystyrene squeak
20. Dentist's drill
'We are programmed to be repulsed by horrible things such as vomiting because it is fundamental to staying alive to avoid nasty stuff.'
The explanation for some of our other noise no-nos is less obvious.
'The sound of fingernails scraping down a blackboard has been compared to the warning cries of monkeys – again, something we might instinctively respond to because of our ancestry,' added Prof Cox.
The one sound calculated to have more men than women running for cover was babies crying. Prof Cox now plans to research the nicest sounds.
I have a job interview at 3pm today so that's why today's blog is looking empty. Will add more when I get back! Wish me luck! Mwah mwah!
The 22-year-old daughter of OZZY and SHARON OSBOURNE recently told how she would love to pose for the porno magazine. But when asked if he'd give Kelly a spread, Hugh replied: "I can't see it happening somehow - we don't airbrush to that extent." Ouch. Though judging by that pic, I'd say he was spot on! lol I think Kelly may have too many tranny friends.
HUGH HEFNER has slammed KELLY OSBOURNE - saying she would take too much airbrushing to appear in Playboy.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
>word
>on nutrition and health.
>
>
>
>1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
>
>
>
>2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
>
>
>
>3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
>us.
>
>
>
>4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
>attacks than us.
>
>
>
>5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
>heart attacks than us.
>
>
>
>CONCLUSION:
>
>
>
>Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
>you.
Jeremy Clarkson and Kate Moss were talking and Jeremy said, "You don't know who I am do you?"
"No," replied Kate.
Jeremy said, "I do Top Gear."
"That's a coincidence because I do top gear as well," replied Kate, "Have you got 4 grams to spare?"
How Do Customer Service People Keep A Straight Face?
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
==============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
==============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry....
==============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
==============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
==============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
==============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
==============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
==============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
==============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
==============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
==============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
==============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
==============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" .. on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
My niece was out walking with her two children when a man came up to her and said “Are the children twins?”
She looked surprised and said “No, of course not, the little boy is 7 and the little girl is 5. They don’t look like twins do they?” She asked.
A guy was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
The judge stopped, looked at the man at the back of the courtroom, and
The guy at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in the UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were poop, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yes. None of us could get the jar open.
My wife was in the local pharmacy the other day and saw some flourescent condoms for sale so she bought a pack. "Shall we try one out tonight?" she said.
"OK," I replied. When we got home we did some work around the house and then had an early night. We both got ready for bed, my wife got into bed and I needed to go to the toilet. I said to her "I will be a little while because I need a crap." When I had finished on the toilet I put the flourescent condom on and went into the bedroom. Much to my disgust my wife had gone to sleep while she was waiting for me so I thought I am not going to let this go to waste. I got into bed and pulled the covers over my head and read my book by the light of the condom.
Racist Cunt Hates Fats and Fags
Refer to my earlier post for a reminder
Here's more of what Lucy Buchanan from the Channel 4 programme Shipwrecked had to say:
Asked why she did not like black people, she said: "From what I've seen they're really bad."
When another contestant said she did not like racists, Lucy replied: "I'm afraid you have one here."
The gap year teenager, who spent 10 years in all-girls' boarding schools, then told her companions she hated fat people.
She said: "They're offensive. They can help it - eat less, exercise more, get their stomachs stitched."
On the Shipwrecked website she adds: "I can't stand fat and ugly people. They bring you down."
Referring to fellow contestant Terri, a 23-year-old plumber and carpenter, Lucy added in a remark to camera: "I'm surprised that I've become friends with Terri.
"Not only because we come from completely different backgrounds and have completely different values, but she's a lesbian as well.
"Not that I don't like homosexuals, I just don't like what they do."
As the row took off Lucy's mother Nicola, of Edinburgh, leapt to her daughter's defence.
She said: "Lucy is definitely not a racist. She's a well-mannered girl from a decent family.
"But she's only 18. She does have a big mouth and sometimes speaks without thinking. She says things she doesn't mean."
Last night Channel 4 claimed it was justified in showing Lucy's tirade as, over the series, viewers would see her opinions change. A spokesman said: "It becomes obvious that her opinions are the result of her upbringing. She will come to realise they are wrong. It's quite clear they are unacceptable."I say put the bitch in an inflatable boat and leave her in the middle of the ocean for the sharks to eat-and then spit out.
Ignore what I posted earlier about the settlement deal reached with the one-legged whore.
Sir Paul McCartney has still not offered Heather Mills a penny in their bitter divorce battle, her lawyers said yesterday.
Legal firm Mishcon de Reya denied reports the ex-Beatle had agreed a hush-hush £32million deal.
And it revealed Macca, 64, has made no attempt to settle with Heather, 39.
A spokeswoman said: "No offer has been made whatsoever at any time."
The pair are due in court next month in a dispute over Heather's security.
TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.
The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.
And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.
A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.
“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”
Cruise joined the Church of Scientology in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation.
What a crock of shit! The Church of Scientology loves Cruise for his money and because he's good at recruiting other equally stupid celebrities in dishing out the cash for some bullshit religion.
Some central tenets of Scientology:
- A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
- The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
- Through the Scientology process of "auditing", one can free oneself of "engrams" and "implants" to reach the state of "Clear", and after that, the state of "Operating Thetan". Each state is said to represent recovering the native spiritual abilities of the individual, and to confer dramatic mental and physical benefits.
- A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness in his or her life.
- What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. No beliefs should be forced as "true" on anyone. Thus, the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to either be true or not by Scientology practitioners.
- Psychiatry and psychology are evil and abusive practices.[11]
Dollies Fight Back
Tut. I read that BA's trolley dollies are to strike which will hit thousands of flights because they want to be able to take time off for certain types of medical conditions WITHOUT it counting as sick leave!
These medical conditions include:
The cold
Blocked ears
Diarrhoea and vomiting
Visual injuries
Conjunctivitis
Herpes
Cold sores
Ingrowing toenails
Loss of voice
One-off life events (loss of life of partner of parent)
Downroute sickness (if they fall ill while working abroad)
Granted, you just can't do the job if you're suffering from some of the above (I mean, passengers would not be happy about cabin crew having poo accidents). BUT, if they are unable to do a job due to a medical condition, it SHOULD count as sick leave! Why are they seeking preferential treatment? If you're sick, you take sick leave. Simple as!
The reason the dollies are screaming is because flight managers used their discretion to allow staff time off for certain conditions without it counting towards sick leave, and now that BA have toughened up, the dollies don't like it one bit!
Sleeping Positions
Scientists believe the position in which a person goes to sleep provides an important clue about the kind of person they are.
Professor Chris Idzikowski, director of the Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service, has analysed six common sleeping positions - and found that each is linked to a particular personality type.
This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position. The remainder of those in the poll said the position they fell asleep varied or did not know. Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health. He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night's sleep. Professor Idzikowski said: "Lying down flat means that stomach contents can more readily be worked back up into the mouth, while those who lie on their back may end up snoring and breathing less well during the night. "Both these postures may not necessarily awaken the sleeper but could cause a less refreshing night's sleep." The research also found that most people are unlikely to change their sleeping position. Just 5% said they sleep in a different position every night. Duvet position Professor Idzikowski also found that one arm or leg sticking out of the duvet is Britain's most common position, followed by both feet poking out the end. One in ten people like to cover themselves entirely with the duvet.
I don't know what position I sleep in because it usually takes me aaaaaaages to get to sleep and I wriggle a LOT during that time. I suppose when I wake up in the morning I should note what position I'm in, but I wouldn't be entirely certain that I didn't change positions during the night.
I'll let you know tomorrow!
Monday, January 22, 2007
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."
The policeman fainted.
Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
*Groan* I apologise for the lame joke. lol
Among the many entertaining things that alcohol can do to a person, one of its most persistent and notable effects is its ability convince drunk people visiting the zoo that the extremely angry wild animal in that cage really just wants a hug.
It rarely ends well, as a visitor to a Siberian zoo found out recently.
The unidentified man, fuelled by a little boozy over-indulgence, decided that it would be a really good idea to climb into one of the enclosures at the world-renowned Novosibirsk zoo in southern central Russia. The tiger's enclosure, to be precise.
Once in there, he very graciously offered the tiger a packet of potato crisps. Equally graciously, the tiger bit him on the arm instead.
Luckily, he escaped without serious injury, and he has said that he has no plans to file a complaint about the zoo's failure to stop him climbing into a tiger's cage and offering it crisps.
An Australian has been thrown off a flight for wearing a T-shirt branding George Bush a terrorist.
Allen Jasson was barred from a Qantas flight from Melbourne to London for his apparently offensive choice of clothing.
The T-shirt bore a pictured of US President Bush and the slogan 'World's number one terrorist'.
Qantas insisted any comments, spoken or on clothing, would 'not be tolerated' if they had potential to offend other passengers or threaten security.Potential to offend is one thing, but "threaten security"? Where did that come from? People seriously need to stop overreacting! You can't even say the word "bomb" on a plane anymore! lol I loved that scene in the film Meet The Parents where Ben Stiller is told by a passenger that he can't say the word "bomb" on the plane and then he says "bomb" about 50 times.
Children as young as nine have been caught performing indecent sex acts in schools after accessing pornography on the internet.
Warwickshire County Council's Sexualised Inappropriate Behaviour Service (SIBS) reported that in one recent case, two nine-year-old boys performed sex acts on each other in a school toilet.
When questioned, one of the boys said that he and a friend had watched explicit sexual images on the internet at his friend's house, and admitted trying to copy some of what he had seen.
The boys were referred to SIBS for therapeutic work to talk through their experiences and receive treatment.
Dirty little children! Stop sucking willies and do your homework!
Channel 4 has been hit by a new racism row on top of the Big Brother controversy.
New reality TV show Shipwrecked has been the subject of complaints to Ofcom after its opening show last night.
Viewers were unhappy about racist comments by 18-year-old contestant Lucy Buchanan, in the show about two rival groups of youngsters placed on South Pacific desert islands.
She told fellow contestants: 'I'm terrible at generalising, I'm really bad. I just don't know any [black people].
'When I look out at what Britain is, it's just a complete mess. I don't appreciate how people come into our country and take over our country.
Britain's really not Britain anymore. 'My mind is completely open to different cultures, but I don't think they should bring them to Britain.'
She later added: 'I'm for slavery, but that's never going to come back.' She has also been accused of being derogatory about gay and fat people.
Another contestant, Fiona Merry, described her remarks as 'Hitleresque'.
'It was quite scary really because I've not come across someone with such strong views before and she's only just 18,' she added.
Ofcom, the media regulator, revealed 46 complaints had been received by this afternoon.
Tut, send that fucking bitch back home-to York, that is.
Madonna's first ever live performance, singing Everybody.
The Forestry Commission in Scotland are advertising for a diversity tsar -to recruit gay and transsexual lumberjacks.
Oooh that is so sexy. I'd love to wrap my legs around a log.
Eww was that as nasty as it sounded? lol
Wait a sec- transexual lumberjacks!? LOL! Like they're going to do a job which will ruin their delicate hands and nails.
The Metropolitan Police have issued a warning to gay men to be more cautious when sending pictures online after a London man was humiliated by an internet sneak.
The two men met on an internet dating site (I can only presume it was Faggydar) and the victim sent the other man a sexually explicit picture of himself (as you do).
When they stopped chatting online, the other man reprinted the image on a poster with libellous text which then printed and distributed around the victim's apartment block and posted through neighbours' doors.
The victim was subjected to humiliation and some nasty comments from some neighbours.
The suspect has now been cautioned under the 1986 Public Order Act for displaying an abusive and insulting sign with intent to cause harassment, alarm or distress.
The incident highlights that once an image is published on a website, or emailed to another, it is virtually impossible to control its further use.
A PIG farmer who is feared to have butchered at least 60 women goes on trial today — accused of feeding victims’ remains to his hogs. Prostitutes slaughtered by evil Robert Pickton were minced in a wood-chipper and used as swill, a horrified court will be told. The pork — together with left-over human flesh — was later made into SAUSAGES and sold to an unsuspecting public, detectives fear. Pickton, 57 — arrested by cops in Canada who found severed heads, hands and feet in his freezer — will appear in the dock in New Westminster, British Columbia, behind bullet-proof glass.
The alleged serial killer is accused of preying on skid row hookers in Vancouver for almost 20 years — luring them to their doom on his farm 20 miles away.
Get Your Bargain Basement Titties!
SOME of Britain’s leading plastic surgeons have chopped nearly £3,000 off the cost of a boob job.
They have reduced the price of bigger breasts from £7,000 to £4,250 for girls who use their internet firm mybreast.org.
A Muslim WPC who refused to shake hands with Met chief Sir Ian Blair on religious grounds was rapped last night — by a top Muslim cop. Chief Supt Ali Dizaei spoke out as demands grew for the non-Asian recruit to quit. Chief Supt Dizaei, legal adviser to the National Black Police Association, said: “I sympathise with religious and moral values, but I can’t see how an operational officer will be able to do practical policing work in the street with those kinds of values. “You have to make instant decisions about life and death, giving first aid and rescuing people. As an officer, it is very difficult to allow those kinds of views to be in front of you.” Sir Ian is “bloody furious” after the woman — one of 200 officers at a passing-out parade — said it was against her religion to accept a congratulatory handshake. If an injured person requires mouth to mouth, is the bitch going to say "sorry, my religion prevents me from doing that"?
BASIC Instinct’s director still has Sharon Stone’s knickers — 15 years after making the thriller. Paul Verhoeven pinched the undies after convincing Sharon, 49, to go commando for the 1992 movie’s infamous police interview scene. Scriptwriter Joe Eszterhas, who makes the revelation in a new book, said: “He probably won’t sell the scented (fishy) pair of panties Sharon took off and handed him.”
Relieve the pain without the shame
The pants have a built in filter and airtight fit to ensure the elimination of nasty odours. Makers Under-Tec say the "gas eaters", officially called Under-Ease, are no joke but a "serious product that serves a purpose". They say the pants "relieve the pain without the shame" and "improve social confidence". The pants are designed to be airtight thanks to elastic around the waistline and legs. The "core technology" of the product is a pocket with a replaceable filter inside. The multi-layered filter is made with the two outer layers of wool felt, two layers of non-woven polypropylene and spun glass materials. In the center of the filter is a single layer of activated carbon. Inventors have found the filter cuts bad odours. The pants are machine washable and last several months depending on use. They can be worn anytime and anywhere - although they are not recommended for use in a swimming pool or hot tub. Happy customers on the Under-Tec website include sufferers of Crohns Disease and Inflamatory Bowel Syndrome. In testimonials on the site, satisfied comments include: "Thank you. You saved my life. I can now go to school without worry" and "they really are working for me, an answer to my prayers because I like to wear them when I go out." Here's what the wife of the inventor has to say: I am a 60 year old, married professional woman having raised 3 sons. For the past 32 years of my life, I've suffered with Crohns Disease, and Inflamatory Bowel Syndrome which causes symptoms of diarrhea and excesssive foul smelling gas. The embarrassment and consequent social anxiety would many times actually increase these symptoms. 
A US underwear company have invented special panties to save the embarrassment of flatulence sufferers.
I am a clinical psychologist in private practice and it has been tremendously embarrassing when I pass gas while working; often with little or no control. The most embarrassing moment of my working career was when a client said,"It smells like sewage in here!" My professionalism melted when I admitted to the client that my gas was the cause of the smell.
My devoted husband of 30 years had also struggled with sleeping in the same bed with me, and it would sometimes interfere with our intimacy. My children could laugh at it, but would leave the room. I noticed an increase in my symptoms when I was embarrassed about the foul smelling gas.
On one Thanksgiving night, as my husband and I were lying in bed after a wonderful dinner, the foul smell became unbearable for both of us. My husband ruminated, thinking,"I can't divorce my wife over this, but I have to do something." At that moment, he began to develop the idea of a pair of air-tight underwear with a filter that would eliminate the foul smell. For the next few months he researched filter materials and made a prototype of the underwear.
A satisfied customer in China says "I am very please to tell you that the UNDER-EASE have arrived today (in China). It's very classy. The size fit me well. It's very helpful and brings joy and happiness! Thanks again. Allow me to offer my heartiest wishes.""I am a circus performer and for years I have been embarrassed to pass gas on stage. People in the audience sometime thinks it's part of the act but it isn't. Because of your wonderful product today my audience laughs at my gags and not my gas."
I'm putting in an order right now! These panties sound fabulous!
The Jade Goody Fiasco!
"Sources" reveal that Goody is on suicide watch. *Yawn* Her PR people are using every trick in the book!
Channel 4 and Big Bruv chiefs were so desperate to protect the star they helped create they PRE-RECORDED Jade’s exit interview.
Nearly nine million fans thought they were seeing the episode live at 10.30pm.
But show insiders said Jade was whisked out of the house at 9.40pm, shortly after she was told she’d been voted out.
She met with her PR and agent before being briefed on questions for her interview with BB host Davina McCall.
Their TV chat was then filmed half an hour before it was screened. A BB spokesman said last night: “Friday night’s second show was broadcast with a very short delay.”
I'm outraged! *Stomps* lol
From The Sun:
"UGLY Betty bosses have come up with their most bizarre plot yet — a sex change twist.
All we can say is that it involves a mysterious character and a plastic surgery clinic."
Don't you just love Harlot Church?
Kylie made her first public appearance since she fell ill earlier this month, by treating her staff to a meal at the Room restaurant last Saturday. When Charlotte (who was at the Living Room bar) was told that Kylie was out and about down the road she said: “I couldn’t give a fat fuck.”
That lucky one-legged whore!!!!!
HEATHER Mills will pocket around £1,000 an hour for her four-year marriage to Sir Paul McCartney in a hush-hush divorce deal— that's about the same rate she charged as a whore.
Mucca, 38, has finally agreed a £32million cash and property out-of-court settlement.
Heather will bag the 64-year-old Beatle's £4 million luxury Georgian house in St John's Wood, north-west London, AND his £6 million home in Beverly Hills.
Paul has agreed because he is desperate to keep details of the split private.
She will earn at least a million pounds a year in interest from the cash sum alone.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
This is embarrassing. I probably shouldn't say it but I'm bored so I will. I wanked this morning (having abstained for 7 days) and the whole room stank of cum for hours! That's not the worst of it. I guess holding it in makes me have fantasies about wholly inappropriate people. This morning, I dreamt of none other than the leader of the Conservative party! LOL! I think I was a bit of a dom too....did I use restraints? I can't remember much about it.....hahahaha it must be because he's the leader and I like to take people down a peg or two. Anyway, don't talk to me about this ever again. Mwah!
Marketing speak
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you!"
Joke
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse."
Black-Eyed Peas- Where Is The Love?
In light of all this racism controversy, I thought I'd post this song:
Lucky Detectives
PRIVATE detectives are being paid thousands of pounds to have sex with prostitutes to help close down illegal brothels.
Nine local councils have paid over £10,000 to prove the women are offering sex in their clampdowns.
Some of the undercover sleuths prove they had sex by giving courts a video.
One mayor, Nick Ebbeck, said: "We have to employ investigators to go through with it to get reports to satisfy a court."
Mr Ebbeck, of Ku-ring-gai council, near Sydney, added they had to do it many times over many days as Australian laws required this proof.
SHOPPERS at Jungle Jim's - the world's biggest supermarket in Fairfield, Ohio - are given alarms in case they get lost in its SIX ACRES.
Granny Dominatrix Speaks Out
Jade's granny. She looks so stern! *Trembles*
Anyway, she said: "My granddaughter IS a racist bully".
Jacqueline Goody rounded on the motormouth Big Brother star and said she was ashamed of the way Jade had abused Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty.
Barrymore The Murderer!
A sensational new book has forced police to reopen their investigation into the Michael Barrymore pool death mystery. All that is known for certain is that Stuart was found dead next to Barrymore's pool by paramedics called to the mansion in Roydon, Essex, at 5.46am. He had severe anal injuries, which gay Barrymore, 54, claims must have happened at the hospital after death. Oh whatever! Just admit he was aggressively fisted! Professor Jack Crane and Dr Ian Calder said the typical findings of drowning were NOT present in Lubbock's lungs. And Dr Crane said of blood spots (pectechiae) on his face: "I cannot think of one drowning where I have seen petechiael haemorrhages. "They may be an indication of some form of asphyxial process." ("breath control") The Lubbock book also highlights ‘the missing hour-and-a-half'—the crucial time between 4.15am, when Lubbock was last seen in the Jacuzzi with Kenney and Merritt—and the ambulance being called at 5.46am. In the new investigation, detectives are looking at claims that this time was used to clean up the scene.
CLUE 1: In their statements Kenney, now 36, and 31-year-old Merritt claimed they went for a Jacuzzi with Lubbock before leaving him behind and returning to the party TOGETHER. Yet Merritt said he last saw him alive in the pool — while Kenney said he was still in the Jacuzzi when he left him.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Vanessa Carlton- A Thousand Miles
I can't remember if I've posted this song already. Oh who cares? It's great! lol
The families of five abused teenagers in the US are suing the social networking site MySpace, claiming that it did not do enough to protect their children.
Parents of the girls are seeking millions of dollars in damages after their children were approached by sex offenders on the website and subsequently attacked.
"Hopefully these lawsuits can spur MySpace into action and prevent this happening to another child somewhere," said Jason Itkin, a lawyer acting on behalf of the families.
WTF?! BLAME BLAME BLAME! That's all people want to do. It's a pity the parents aren't taking any responsibility themselves. Look, it's all very sad that the children were raped and pillaged, but come on, EVERYONE knows they need to be careful when meeting people whom they've chatted to online. What precautions did the teens take? MySpace provides a forum for people from all over the world to meet. It's not realistic to expect MySpace to take responsibility for what happens when the two people meet in person. Yes it's prudent to post warnings on a chat site but in reality, nobody takes heed of those warnings anyway. I'm not sure if MySpace had posted warnings at the time those teenagers were using the site, but I suspect they did, in which case there's nothing more MySpace could have done! Sometimes I think what these parents ideally want is for website proprieters to provide a chaperone for each and every person who decides to meet a stranger whom they've chatted to on the website.
There's no way of actually stopping these things from happening, short of banning the teenager from ever leaving the house.
Creation of a pussy
Creation of a pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
"hi there,you look like a nice person:) pls call me if you need a massage,i am a professional masseurse,i know aromathereapy and traditional full body massage,for stress relieve and strain muscles,i do outcalls only,50pounds per session 07867585508 Vee,24hours :)"
Erm. No thanks!
So G-A-Y are giving clubbers the chance to decide whether Jo O'Meara performs on 3rd February 2007.
Judging by the superficial screaming queens who frequent the club where all ethnic minorities are actually invisible to them, I'd say they'll be voting "yes" to Jo.LOL that paedophile Jeremy Joseph (owner of G-A-Y) adds:
"If you see Jo as a bully you should vote for her not to perform at G-A-Y, however if you feel Jo has been led astray by Jade and can redeem herself, or that this is just a conflict of personalities in a gameshow, then you should vote for Jo to perform at G-A-Y."
Nicely worded. You think he wants the queens to choose the 2nd option?
Want to create your own M&M character? Click here if you've lots of time to spare!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Lady Falls Through Trap Door
You have probably all seen this already, but it still makes me chuckle.
Celeb photographer Darryn Lyons is set to go into the Celeb BB house.
He is due to move in the next 48 hours to shake things up.
And he will be joined by young American actor Alexis Arquette (the tranny).
Alexis, 37 – born Robert – is Friends actress 42-year-old Courteney Cox’s brother-in-law – now her sister-in-law.
The pair were due to enter the house on Wednesday but the stunt was delayed because of the brewing race row.
TV bosses are set to send them in once tonight’s eviction is out of the way, hoping their shock arrival will end the bitter divide.
A source said: “It’s going to shake it up as the celebs won’t take kindly to two more swanning in for the final week trying to steal the crown.”
Y'all Perverted, Dirty, Filthy Dogs!!
The Birmingham mosque exposed in a Channel 4 documentary as a Mecca for extremist Muslims is being investigated by police after calls from an MP for police to intervene.
The Dispatches programme, broadcast on Monday, showed undercover footage of preacher Abu Usamah calling for gay people to be executed.
"If I were to call homosexuals perverted, dirty, filthy dogs who should be murdered, that's my freedom of speech, isn't it?" he told followers.
Freedom of speech. Isn't that what the Danish newspapers were doing with regard to those cartoons? And look what happened there!
DAYDREAMING
Next time your mind wanders during a dull meeting, don't feel too guilty.
New research shows that when you are bored you simply cannot help daydreaming.
Scientists have found the brain has a kind of mind-wandering "screensaver" that automatically kicks in when it is idle and put on stand-by.
This default setting means when you perform a mundane task, your brain will naturally want to make you disappear off into a world of your own.
The discovery suggests that teachers who shout at daydreaming pupils or bosses who become exasperated at switched off employees are wasting their time telling people to snap out of it.
Instead they would be better off thinking of ways to make the tasks more varied, as this automatically will stop them from becoming lost in their own thoughts.
The new study, published in the journal Science was carried out by researchers at Dartmouth College in New Hampshire and Harvard Business School in Boston.
The researchers led by Malia Mason of Dartmouth College, said: "Mind-wandering constitutes a psychological baseline that emerges when the brain is otherwise unoccupied."She said it was not entirely clear why we day-dream, but it may be that it allows people's brain to still to remain sufficiently alert to carry out mundane tasks proficiently.
Equally it could be that it give us "spontaneous mental time travel" by lending a sense of coherence to the past, present and future experiences.
Finally it may be that our brains evolved to be able to divide attention so we can multitask and day-dreaming is just a manifestation of that.
However, based on the fact it seems to be the 'default setting' of the brain at rest, Dr Mason said it may not have any particular function at all.
"Although the thoughts the mind produces when wandering are at times useful, such instances do not prove that the mind wanders because these thoughts are adaptive - on the contrary, the mind may wander simply because it can," she said.
The Gigglin' Whore!
Brunette Ruby Evans and a pal enjoyed a drunken FIVE-HOUR shagathon with the convicts for FREE at Sudbury Open Prison, in Derbyshire. Vice-girl Ruby, 26 — who usually charges £3.50 a night — said: “We just did it for a laugh. “We wanted to give the guys a treat. We couldn’t stop giggling.”
A SLUT told yesterday how she romped with inmates after breaking IN to a scandal-hit open jail where five murderers walked out.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Top 20 Richest Bitches in Entertainment-Forbes
- 1 — Oprah Winfrey = $1,500 million
- 2 — J.K. Rowling = $1,000 million
- 3 — Martha Stewart = $638 million
- 4 — Madonna = $325 million
- 5 — Celine Dion = $250 million
- 6 — Mariah Carey = $225 million
- 7 — Janet Jackson = $150 million
- 8 — Julia Roberts = $140 million
- 9 — Jennifer Lopez = $110 million
- 10 — Jennifer Aniston = $110 million
- 11 — Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen = $100 million
- 12 — Britney Spears = $100 million
- 13 — Judith “Judge Judy” Sheindlin = $95 million
- 14 — Sandra Bullock = $85 million
- 15 — Cameron Diaz = $75 million
- 16 — Gisele Bundchen = $70 million
- 17 — Ellen DeGeneres = $65 million
- 18 — Nicole Kidman = $60 million
- 19 — Christina Aguilera = $60 million
- 20 — Renee Zellweger = $45 million
Methodology: Net worth estimates were arrived at by tallying the total earnings, including salaries, record sales, tours, merchandising and royalties over the course of a career. When relevant, we included real estate holdings, shares and other assets. A conservative rate of return was applied, less taxes and agent fees. The list is limited to those female celebrities active in their professional lives.
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.
What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
Missing Some Panties?
Police appealed today for women who have had underwear stolen to come forward after a man was arrested with a large quantity of knickers and other garments.
A 40-year-old man was stopped by police in Church Road, Portsea, Portsmouth, Hants, at 10pm yesterday and was discovered to be in possession of the large amount of underwear.
Officers believe the items may have been stolen from washing lines across the city.
How presumptuous of the cops!
Oh, and if you're interested in the panties pictured above (which has "I Love Mommy" printed on it), go to http://www.fancy-panties.com/
LOL the panties on that website are sooooooooooo revolting! Nothing "fancy" about 'em!
Smokin' Pigeon?
A fire which destroyed an office building may well have been caused by a bird with a cigarette, according to a local fire chief.
The Ratcliff Place offices in Huntington, West Virginia went up in flames on January 10, gutting the building where many businesses had their homes. And local Fire Captain David Bias thinks that the culprit may have been a smoke-loving pigeon.
'It's a possibility that has to be truly considered,' says Bias – who believes that a pigeon, or other bird, may have picked up a lit cigarette and tried to line its nest with it.
He points out that fire investigators found a giant, five-foot wide nest in the attic, lined with dozens of cigarette butts. There were no electrics in the area around the nest where the fire started, and the area is inaccessible to humans.
He admits, though, that he's 'taking a good bit of ribbing' over his arson-pigeon theory.
'People are telling me we should have a pigeon lineup.' LOL!
Fat Panda Ain't Getting Any
Thai zookeepers are despairing of ever getting their panda pair to breed – because they say that the male panda is just too fat to have sex.
Chuang Chuang, the fat panda in question, has been the subject of numerous attempts to spice up the love life of him and his partner Lin Hui, at the Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand.
They've staged a mock wedding, separated the two to try to increase the sexual tension, and most memorably tried showing them panda porn to get them in the mood.
But still, Chuang Chuang just sits there chubbily, preferring to eat than make sweet sweet love. And he's so heavy that partner Lin Hui isn't that interested either.
The New Diet Coke Man
If you ever get stuck in a lift, French model Francois Xavier is just the man to save you.
He has been chosen as the new Diet Coke hunk in Coca-Cola's latest multi-million-pound advertising campaign.
But, unlike his predecessors, Xavier, 28, will keep his shirt on (what's the point in that?) during the ad, in which he plays an elevator engineer who rescues three women when they deliberately get trapped in a lift.
The new pin-up, known to his friends as Phix, represents today's ideal man, according to Coke bosses – a sense of fun and toned rather than 'beefcake' like the hunks of the 90s commercial.
Tut. We want the beef!!!
The theme song – I Just Wanna Make Love To You – is the same as that used in the earlier ads but, instead of the Etta James version, it is sung by soul star Jocelyn Brown.The campaign aims to reinforce the image of Diet Coke as a woman's drink following the launch of Coca-Cola Zero, dubbed Bloke Coke.
POP star PINK was distraught yesterday after her pet bulldog drowned in her pool. The 27-year-old singer found ELVIS floating on the surface after popping out for an hour. She tried in vain to revive him. HOW? Mouth to mouth?
Why aliens haven't found us yet
Just an article of interest:
It ranks among the most enduring mysteries of the cosmos. Physicists call it the Fermi paradox after the Italian Nobel laureate Enrico Fermi, who, in 1950, pointed out the glaring conflict between predictions that life was elsewhere in the universe - and the conspicuous lack of aliens who have come to visit.
Now a Danish researcher believes he may have solved the paradox. Extra-terrestrials have yet to find us because they haven't had enough time to look.
Using a computer simulation of our own galaxy, the Milky Way, Rasmus Bjork, a physicist at the Niels Bohr institute in Copenhagen, proposed that a single civilisation might build eight intergalactic probes and launch them on missions to search for life. Once on their way each probe would send out eight more mini-probes, which would head for the nearest stars and look for habitable planets.Mr Bjork confined the probes to search only solar systems in what is called the "galactic habitable zone" of the Milky Way, where solar systems are close enough to the centre to have the right elements necessary to form rocky, life-sustaining planets, but are far enough out to avoid being struck by asteroids, seared by stars or frazzled by bursts of radiation.
He found that even if the alien ships could hurtle through space at a tenth of the speed of light, or 30,000km a second, - Nasa's current Cassini mission to Saturn is plodding along at 32km a second - it would take 10bn years, roughly half the age of the universe, to explore just 4% of the galaxy. His study is reported in New Scientist today.
Viewers unhappy at alleged racist content on Celebrity Big Brother should switch off their TVs, Conservative leader David Cameron has said.
Answering questions sent in to the BBC he said there was "a great regulator called the off button", adding that people had to "take responsibility".
Women find men more attractive if they see other women admiring them, a study has suggested.
Psychologists discovered that a man was judged more desirable by a woman if she saw her peers using positive facial expressions, such as smiling.
Previous research indicated that facial attractiveness was based on personal taste and types of person.
But Aberdeen University's Face Research Laboratory found facial expressions of others could influence attractiveness.
Right, I'm gonna have to start hiring some bitches to start smiling at me wherever I go!
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are
you
doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never
stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for
accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read
left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were
going
to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are
you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to
say
a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on
one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about
what
my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do
this
too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child
reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would
never
end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
Just a little song if you're totally bored. You know you make me want to SHOUT!
This is amazing and takes very little time.
It’s a test to see if you are still
as cool as you were in high school.
(Who you hung out with, what you liked to do, etc.)
It’s old, but still accurate these days.
Click Here (for Coolness Test)
NINE MONTHS LATER
* Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
* They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
* After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard.
* They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
* "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained.
* "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
* "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
* The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night.
* Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
* They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
* About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.
* It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.
* He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do."
* "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go
up to the house and pay her a visit?"
* "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. "I have to admit that I did."
* "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
* Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
* I'm afraid I did.
* Why do you ask?"
* "She just died and left me everything."
* (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't
you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)