Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the fuck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Can I have my money back???

Well, I've worked for a week in my new job and already I'm getting bad vibes. Oh, and I have committed my first fuck up too! Grrrr. Boss gave me the contact details of an internal client for whom I was drafting some terms and conditions. I sent to the client a first draft to have a look over and see if I had missed anything out or if there was anything that wasn't applicable. Later, the boss told me not to send out the first draft (I didn't tell him I'd already sent it to the client). So then I rang the client to tell him to e-mail me his views and destroy the copy of the T&Cs that I faxed over to him. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the client and I'm praying that the client does NOT bring with him that copy or mention that I gave him a copy. Otherwise I'm in deep shit. I guess I should have been honest and told the boss straight away that I'd already sent it but I got the impression he'd be pretty pissed off! I can't understand why really.

The boss is my problem: quite old fashioned and set in his ways. This is the first job I've had where I've got no one to chat utter nonsense with. I go to work and when I try to make conversation with him, he doesn't want to know. It's straight to work. No "hi, how are you?" No one else seems to have a problem- because they've got people working with them doing the same kind of work, whereas I'm working directly with the boss, so there's no chance for chit chat. TSK!
The travelling isn't helping either. It's only been a week and already I'm shattered with the 5am wake-ups. HEEEEEEEEEEELP!

I was thinking of giving it a year, but now I'm thinking I'll give it till September, so that would make it 6 months. Argh, why the fuck did I apply for the bloody job??!

Advice to any job seekers out there: before you even apply for a particular job, find out where exactly it's based and check how long it would take to get there. If at all possible, ask if you can visit the workplace. This way you can see for yourself what the people there are like and what the atmosphere is like and whether there are any cute guys there (lol).

Well, it's 9:50pm so I've got 10 mins until bed time. This is not good!

I've posted this joke before, but it's a good'un!

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
>
> Nurses were in her room giving her a bath.
> One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there
> was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient's beef curtains. They tried it again and sure enough,there was sizable movement
on the monitor.
>
> They went to her husband and explained what happened,telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him
that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
>
> The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
> After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.No pulse, no heart
rate, nothing.
> The nurses ran back into the room.
> "What happened?"
> The husband said, "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."

Who was the 3rd Man to walk on water ????

The 1st one was Christ .....

The 2nd one was Peter (The Apostle) .....

After him.....was this guy from the picture.....

Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the other's skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

Big Willy

A businessman has advertised for a stand-in mistress so his wife can beat her up. The successful applicant will be paid £200 to take a pasting for ten minutes to protect the genuine mistress after the affair was discovered. At least ten people have applied for the job advertised on a Chinese website.

A radio station has escaped punishment after it played a 34-second clip of a woman having sex with a bull, despite a ruling it breached standards of decency and good taste.

The station's presenter played the clip – which was meant to promote a New Zealand rugby tournament.

The Broadcasting Standards Authority upheld a complaint from a member of the public that the clip was offensive, and played at time when children were likely to hear it.

It said there was no doubt the clip was meant to represent sex between a woman and an animal.

Does anyone have an MP3 recording of it? I want it!

Men who display extreme jealousy or avoid sex with their wives could be tried in court and punished under a new law.

Mexican men who phone their wives every half hour to check up on them, constantly suspect them of infidelity or try to control the way they dress are committing the crime of jealousy, a prosecutor said.

Those found guilty of jealousy or indifference could face up to five years in prison.

Mexico's individual states will determine the punishments, the Excelsior newspaper reported.

For some megalomaniac intergalactic dictators, it all comes easily. Others get stuck stacking shelves.

This is the fate of supermarket worker Chad Vader, younger brother of Star Wars villain Darth, in an online series.

Chad Vader: Day Shift Manager tells how the wannabe ruler cannot get beyond the level of store manager.

Six episodes have been seen by 9.5million people on YouTube, prompting US makers Aaron Yonda and Matt Sloan to leave their jobs and sign a contract with a major studio.

Chad, who wanders the aisles in full black uniform, is reduced to taking on shoplifters with his light sabre and using 'the force' to summon snacks.

Chad bungles further by referring to boss Randy as 'Master' and 'Emperor'.

He tries to go on a date with colleague Clarissa but fails miserably. When a customer complains, Chad understandably tries convert him to the Dark Side.

The episodes are also peppered with Vader's catchphrases. 'I find your lack of faith disturbing', Chad tells a worker who scorns his offer of training.

Sloan, 33, said Chad was 'a guy who doesn't know how to handle authority and goes way over the top but is really likable'.

So cute! Tiggy is probably thinking "Mmmm the monkey will be very tasty with a bit of HP Sauce".

Christina Ricci & Justin Timberlake Shagging

From their new film Black Snake Moan.


Ooh the video is hot, but Timby finished way too quickly. Now poor Christina will have to flick her bean once he's out the door.

Channel 4 is dedicating this week of its morning education schedule to programming about gay issues for teenagers.

Other programmes include a drama exploring the issues facing teens who have to adapt to the changing family unit, called Mum's Gone Gay, and My Big Gay Prom, a documentary following a group of gay students organising the UK's first gay prom.

Gay and lesbians in Australia have reacted with fury at a drugs raid on Sunday night that closed one of the dance parties for Sydney Mardi Gras.

Revellers have described the police tactics as heavy-handed. They subjected revellers to strip searches behind specially-constructed screened areas.

Strip searches by hunky coppers? What's the problem? Maybe they'll slip you the finger too if you're lucky. Stop complaining you poofs! LOL

This is bound to cause a stink among those who adhere to the centuriesold belief that garlic is good for the heart.

According to the latest research, consuming the wonder bulb makes no difference whatsoever to cholesterol levels.

Almost 200 volunteers were put on a garlic-rich diet for six months, but the only notable change was an increase in bad breath and body odour.

Do you feel tired much of the time? Do your joints ache? Does sex seem a lot less interesting than it used to?

You could be one of an estimated 150,000 people in the UK who have the genetic disorder 'haemochromatosis', a condition that is almost never diagnosed until it has damaged essential organs such as the liver, heart or the thyroid gland.

Fuck, I had better get my ass to the doctor's surgery!

Thea was reconstructed by sculptors working with anthropologists using computer technology.

Experts have recreated the faces of men using similar techniques but this is the first time a Stone Age woman has been reconstructed.

Her skeleton was found in a cave near Messina on the Italian island of Sicily in 1937 along with the incomplete skeletons of six other humans, thought to be her family.

What a minger! lol

Millions would love a chance to wipe their feet on Adolf Hitler and now it looks like they could have the chance with this 'Hitler rug'

The work is by Israeli artist Boaz Arad who says he is hoping to show how the Holocaust has scarred Israel, but also been misused by it.

He says the rug is a representation of what a Nazi hunter would do if he caught the ultimate prize, the Nazi leader.

The exhibition is at the Tel Aviv Center for Contemporary Arts.

A 107-year-old man has put his long life down to going without sex for more than 75 years.

Chan Chi, of Hong Kong's New Terroritories, told the South China Morning Post, "Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have been celibate since I was 30."

Mr Chan's wife died during the Japanese invasion in the Second World War.

Hmm looks like I can look forward to a very long life indeed!

A random Chinese man.

Police have set car on-board computers to shout "D'oh!" like Homer Simpson when uninsured drivers are seen.

The automatic number plate readers also say "Here's Johnny" — Jack Nicholson's saying from film The Shining — when they detect a stolen car.

And if a car is linked to crime, it plays Dan Aykroyd saying: "People like this are a menace to decent society."

Thames Valley cops say it helps their reactions, report The Sun.

A police spokesperson could not confirm whether officers were greeted with "To the Batmobile!" when setting out on a shift.

Worship The Cheese

I'm not talking about cocks.

Devout churchgoers have begun worshipping a pizza pan - after claiming the Virgin Mary has appeared amid the melted cheese, tomato and pepperoni.

Dinner ladies at a school in Texas discovered what they took to be Mary's image on the base of a cooking tray.

Sceptics may say it looks like little more than a random, formless stain.

But after fevered scrubbing failed to shift it, rumour spread of a divine apparation - and now pilgrims have been flocking to a makeshift shrine in the tray's honour.

One woman came to the school in Houston seeking healing for her disabled grandson.

School canteen worker Guadalupe Rodriguez, who first spotted the mark on Ash Wednesday, said: 'On the third rinse I started watching it, trying to discover what it was. 'It showed to me like it is the Virgin Mary.' Pupil Anel Villareal said: 'They said, "The Virgin is in the cafeteria" and I ran over there to see. 'My God, it was the Virgin. I cried when I see her with my own eyes.'

Pugh Elementary School principal Lyda Guerrero said: 'I think someone was watching over us.

A shrine, with the tray at its centre, has now been set up outside the home of a parent teacher association member, but others are claiming they should have custody.

In the past, the Virgin Mary has been said to appear on a toasted cheese sandwich in Florida, a Chicago underpass and a blob of dried chocolate at a Californian factory.

Praise da Lord for these imaginative apparitions! LOL!

An Inappropriate Birthday Card

Suck my truncheon, bitch! lol

Make Up $60

Boob Job $6000














Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts... Priceless

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your Ass, didn't it ?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his
meals through a straw.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

LOL!

TITANIC director James Cameron has produced a documentary claiming Jesus was not resurrected — but was buried.

Cameron, 52, says he was laid to rest alongside his mother Mary and his “wife” Mary Magdalene — who bore him a son.

He says he has DNA evidence and today in New York will unveil three coffins found in a Jerusalem cave.

Channel 4 screens The Lost Tomb Of Jesus later this year.

LOL why are so many people cynical about this? Is a resurrection more believable?

OK I know I said I didn't care about the frocks worn at the Oscars but what the fuck is THIS?

Don'tcha just wanna rip her silver flaps off?

Robert Downey Jr & Vonda Shepherd: Chances are

I like this lurve song.

Well I couldn't give a shit about the frocks that those actresses and hangers-on (Sticktoria Beckham) wore at the Oscars. Where were the hunks? Well I found Ryan Phillipe and Chris O'Donnell:

Father-Son Discussion

AnotherGayMovie Father Son Discussion
Uploaded by moondoggy

Funny Video

Another Gay Sexy Movie
Uploaded by sopracuto

LMAO I haven't laughed out this loud in a long time! Check it!

She's certainly getting her 5-a-day.

Excerpts from a cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan!

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Her Eminence the High Priestess

Basic Instinct 2 has been the big winner - or loser - at his year's Golden Raspberry Awards, collecting four awards including worst film.

The sequel to the the 1992 film that made Sharon Stone a star picked up Razzies for worst film, worst actress, worst screenplay and worst prequel or sequel.

If you wanna perv over a fit bod

Rats Take Over KFC/Taco Bell

Nasty!

OK looks like you can't even get that Sony X505 laptop from Sony's website. Probably wasn't very successful.

Sony Viao X505

I was just browsing for some sexy laptops and look what I found!







































The Specs:

Manufacturer	Sony
Model	VAIO VGN-X505VP
Price	£1,999
URL	www.sony.co.uk
Processor	Intel Pentium M 1.1GHz (ULV)
Memory	512MB DDR
Hard Disk	20GB 1.8in
Screen Size	10.4in
Screen resolution	1,024 x 768
Grahpics	Intel Integrated
Optical Drive	External DVD writer
Optical Formats Supported	DVD+R/RW DVD-R/RW CD-R/RW
USB Ports	2
FireWire Ports	1
PC Card Slots	1 Type II
Misc Ports	Sony Ethernet/D-SUB port
Misc Hardware	PC Card 3-in-1 memory card reader (MemoryStick, SD, MMC)
Networking	10/100 Ethernet
Wireless	Bundled 802.11g PC Card
Operating System	Windows XP Professional
Office Suite	MS Works 7
Misc Software	Adobe Premiere Standard, Adobe Photoshop Elements 2.0, Adobe Photoshop Album Starter Edition
Weight	822g
Dimensions (WxDxH)	256 x 208 x 11-21mm

It's certainly not the most powerful laptop out there. And it's pretty pricey too! This was built for ultimate portability. If you've got money to burn and you want everyone to turn their heads when you take it out of your bag, then you must must must get this! Come to think of it, if you've got money to burn, why not just buy me one? lol

Deer Tracks

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They were still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

Murdering Sheep

THIS is funny!

A young woman goes to the vet with her Alsation dog and explains what the problem is.

"Every time I bend over, he jumps on my back and, well, you know, does the business. Getting something out of the fridge, putting something in the bin, making the bed: every time I bend over, he's there humping away."

"I see" says the vet "I suppose you want him put down?"

"No, just clip his nails, please"

Erm. Why don't guys ever wear some classy women's undies? They're always going for the slutty look. lol

The Association of Chief Police Officers has condemned a homophobic website hosted by blogspot.com

The weblog, called killbattyman, originates in Jamaica.

The site carries numerous homophobic statements and also calls for all gay people to be killed.

Example: "Lesbians are very aggressive people and they shout a lot because they have sex juice build-up in them that they cant release through normal sex so they are mean and horny 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

LMAO I don't disagree!

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

A silly, but fun song.

LeAnn Rimes- And It Feels Like

Splat

Harold Shipman Jokes

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.

Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.

They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.

Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."

The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

Yay for the Desperate Housewives!

Desperate Housewives creator, Marc Cherry, has signed an eight-figure deal with ABC to keep the show around till at least 2011. He will continue to control the show until then and apparently all the lead cast members have also signed on for another 4 years. Marc expects the show to end in 2011.

Harry Potter's Willy!

Rehabitual Britney

Scary!

A lovesick woman flew across the Atlantic to pursue the 'boyfriend' she met online – but he is now in hiding and ignoring her. LOL!

Obsessed Deborah Distin, 34, thought she had found true love when she met 26-year-old Paul Johnston on a dating website last July.

The pair exchanged calls and e-mails for weeks before Mr Johnston decided to end the relationship and severed all contact with her.

Undeterred, Ms Distin paid £1,200 for a plane ticket and flew to England from her home in Maine. She has spent days trawling the streets of Cheltenham in a vain bid to find her would-be Romeo.

The mother-of-one said: 'I looked at other people first but there was something about him I was drawn to. He is really good looking.

We spent hours talking on the phone. 'Our conversations were getting more open and more frequent.

'He said he would like to get me a big house and we would have lovely kids together.

'I e-mailed him to tell him I am here but I have heard nothing. I am worried.

'I used to be able to feel his presence just before he e-mailed me but now I don't get that.'

When Metro Newspaper tracked down Mr Johnston last night, the finance worker said he was stunned to discover that Ms Distin had flown out to find him.

He said he had not called her for a year and had no intention of meeting her. He added: 'I am bewildered and shocked by all of this. I just cannot believe it. It is all a bit strange.'

Ms Distin was devastated by his response. She said: 'These are all lies. He promised me all sorts. I will never use online dating again.'

With its hook-lined tentacles and razor-sharp beak, it would make fish 'n' chips out of Jaws.

This Colossal Squid lived up to its name by weighing in at 450kg (992lb) and measuring 10m (33ft) – the biggest ever caught.

With its fearsome reputation as one of the most dangerous predators of the deep, a group of fishermen weren't taking any chances when they accidentally landed the beast in deep Antarctic waters.

The New Zealand crew took two hours to land the squid – a male – which was happily chomping on a fish when it was captured.

The squid was frozen in the ship's hold and taken to New Zealand for examination. Wednesday's catch is thought to be the first time humans have come into contact with a live Colossal, a species reputed to grow to the same length as Giant Squid but much heavier.

You do not have to spend half your life in the gym if you want to lose weight, scientists say.

Couch potatoes can shed the pounds by dieting just as quickly as those who exercise, their research showed.

It debunks the belief that diet plus exercise is the best way to lose weight. Dieting alone is just as effective, the researchers report.

The findings come from a sixmonth study of 35 overweight, but otherwise healthy, men and women.

Right, fuck the exercise bike; I'm just gonna sit on my fat ass from now on.

BILLIE PIPER has been peeing standing up while filming costume drama Mansfield Park as her corset is too tight to sit down.

The actress, 24, said: “I’ve got a technique about how to pee in a corset. You straddle the loo. You kind of climb over it and have the dresses fall behind you.

“You pee the same way that a guy would. It works really well.”

And there you have it!

Any women wanting to pee standing up should visit www.shewee.com

*Groan* It still isn't looking good with my new job. Fucking boss- he's got so much work on that he's got no time to show me anything or keep me busy doing something. Why employ a trainee if you haven't got time to show him anything? I actually woke up bright-eyed, but that was only because I was in bed by 10pm the night before. The tiredness certainly kicked in in the afternoon. And the bus ride is just making me sick! It's hot, it's jumpy, students talking shit next to me.......
To anyone thinking of taking a job a zillion miles from where you live: don't do it!
Oh well, the one good thing is that tomorrow is Friday and everyone's allowed to go home at 4:30 on Fridays.

Stroke It!

The American Heart Association estimates one in four people suffer from hypertension. A study of more than 5,400 people by Australia's Baker Medical Research Institute found that pet owners had lower blood pressure and lower levels of blood cholesterol and triglycerides. Stroking a pet is proven to help ward off hypertension.

However, pet ownership in itself can bring unwanted physical and emotional stress, possibly negating the benefits of stroking. Walking the dog is tiring, discovering your neighbour is feeding your overweight whore of a cat can be upsetting. A new study conducted in California has found that stroking a hairy man provides the same benefits to blood pressure as stroking a pet, with some additional bonus points.

Men are considered more independent than pets. This is generally accepted to be anecdotal, and possibly an old wives tale, but was a basic assumption of the researchers when establishing a control group. Additionally, a survey of 100 women proved that, while men can be an indirect cause of emotional stress, it is mainly self-inflicted and is easily overcome with some positive thinking and a night out with friends involving vodka martinis.

The most important part of this stroking therapy is to choose a suitable man. Experts recommend you avoid both the excesses of Jon Bon Jovi and the sparse scrub of Ricky Martin, venturing instead into the happy hirsute thickets of Tom Selleck and Robert Redford. The stroking motion itself should be a careful, circular action around the chest area. It is very important not to move lower; the Hairy Men research group gathered evidence that men can be highly excitable when stroked unless due care is observed. Similar results can be gained from using either the left or the right hand; further research is being undertaken into suitable positions for using both hands.

Overall the Hairy Men research group concluded that stroking a hairy man once a day can be of great benefit to your health and blood pressure and is a notable relaxation technique. Further plus points include the fact that it's not necessary that a man be for either life or Christmas, it's not necessary to take out insurance on a man, and a man would rather feed himself than eat a handful of dried pellets, thus reducing required levels of maintenance. Best of all, men seem to enjoy the stroking, making this a harmless technique of benefit to all.

Researchers have identified some drawbacks; man hair, like pet hair, can get onto the upholstery, but it tends to be easier to vacuum off the cushions or bedclothes. They do warn that stroking two men simultaneously is best left to the experts, but have not yet conducted research into the results of stroking more than one man consecutively.

The proof is in the pudding - if you want to lower your blood pressure, you should have a stroke today.

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone.The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating
the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman.

It read:

For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

New Seat Belt Law. This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

The National Highway

Safety Council has done

extensive testing on a newly

designed seat belt. Results

show that accidents can be

reduced by as much as 45%

when the belt is properly

installed. Correct installation

is illustrated below.......

?

?

?

I'm so sorry, it's a slow day for blogging and I'm too tired! I think I might have to give this a rest for a few days. Come back Friday!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Not My Kind Of Date

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

___

Well, I got home at about 19:15 and I'm fooking tired!!!! My first day at work wasn't too bad (apart from being 15 minutes late). Even though boss man said I should arrive at 9-9:30, I intended to turn up well before 9am. I've forgotten what it's like to get up at such an insane hour. When I woke up at 5:45am I moved around the house in slow motion...going to the loo, straining to get some poo out because I didn't want to use the University's loos. Nothing came out so basically for the rest of the day I was desperately trying not to get a turtle head to poke out. I succeeded! Phew! Sorry..this is all a bit gross.
Oh yeah, my boss said I don't have to wear suits unless clients are visiting or if I'm visiting clients. I wonder if he'll allow me to wear something more comfy......a nice negligee perhaps? lol
As for the ambience- it's shite. God, the office is so dry! Everyone just sits there behind their desks, tapping away at the keyboards and they all whisper to each other. I can't see myself having a laugh with any of 'em. And I think I'm the only gay in the office too. TSK! There's one cute guy, but as soon as I saw his shoes, I knew he wasn't gay. lol
I spent most of the day getting the formalities sorted- meeting with someone from HR, sorting out my ID card, and having a tour of the campus. Had a lunchtime meeting with boss man, and he paid! Yay! lol I love freebies.
I'm having a few niggling doubts. Boss man seems to be doing all the work- and he's got a LOT of work on, so I'm wondering if he's going to have any time to show me the ropes properly. I get the feeling he's just going to leave me to it. Just before he left to go home, he said he's going to hand over a case to me, which involves meeting with some uni staff about the terms & conditions of university events. Fuck knows what I'm going to do. I wouldn't know where to start!
Bleurgh I haven't the energy to type any more. I think I'll go to bed around 9-ish. Boo hoo, I won't get to watch Desperate Housewives.

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

>For years and years they told me,
>Be careful of your breasts.
>Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
>And give them monthly tests.
>So I heeded all their warnings,
>And protected them by law.
>Guarded them very carefully,
>And I always wore my bra.
>After 30 years of astute care,
>My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
>Said I should get a Mammogram
>"OK," I said, "let's do it."
>"Stand up here real close" she said,
>(She got my boob in line),
>"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
>"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
>She stepped upon a pedal,
>I could not believe my eyes!
>A plastic plate came slamming down,
>My hooters in a vise!
>My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
>My poor boob was being squashed,
>To Swedish Pancake thin.
>Excruciating pain I felt,
>Within its viselike grip.
>A prisoner in this vicious thing,
>My poor defenseless tit!
>"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
>Who does she think she's kidding?!?
>My chest is mashed in her machine,
>And woozy I am getting.
>"There, that's good," I heard her say,
>(The room was slowly swaying.)
>"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
>Have mercy, I was praying.
>It squeezed me from both up and down,
>It squeezed me from both sides.
>I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
>To HER tender little hide.
>Next time that they make me do this,
>I will request a blindfold.
>I have no wish to see again,
>My knockers getting steam rolled.
>If I had no problem when I came in,
>I surely have one now.
>
>If there had been a cyst in there,
>It would have gone "ker-pow!"
>This machine was created by a man,
>Of this, I have no doubt.
>I'd like to stick his balls in there,
>And, see how THEY come out!

Dog Pack Kills Alligator In Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the apex predator in its natural eco-system, can still fall victim to implemented team work strategy, made possible by the tight knit social structure and survival of the fittest pack mentality bred into canines over the last thousands of years by natural selection.

See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.

Beware! This is not for the squeamish!

Well it's my first day at work tomorrow. I'm ready to start getting up at 5:30am. *Cries*
I just hope I enjoy what I do and I can get on with the boss man. If I were to describe him I'd say he's a cuddly bear. But by the end of tomorrow, my opinion of him might have changed.
As for the blogging, I guess I'll only be able to do it when I get home from work, unless I can find some time at work. So don't be surprised if there are no updates during the day!
Oh, and I've decided to go ahead with the Legal Practice Course (£10k). I didn't manage to find a rich daddy so I have to fund the course myself. Tsk! On the plus side, I think my dad might get me a sexy laptop! Hopefully he doesn't forget....I'll have to start dropping hints. FUCK! I've just remembered it's his birthday today and I didn't get him anything! Oops.

Catch you bitches later then. I'm now a working girl. lol

As Ugly Betty would say: I'm an attractive, intelligent, confident businesswoman.

Gross

I've just been watching You Are What You Eat, and during the poo analysis, Gillian commented that one girl's poo looked like CHOCOLATE SAUCE!!!!! Eww ewww ewwww ewwww! Apparently it's the worst poo she's ever seen.

Kidulthood

I saw this film on DVD last night. Not bad. Very gritty and totally believable.

Animal Facts

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

Gay men have no feelings. (I added this one. You cold-hearted bitches! lol)

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, "a bit sour."

OMG, I've just read this article in the yucky Daily Mail last Friday which reported that four women-all from the same family- repeatedly urged a two-year old boy and his three-year old sister to hit each other. When the boy tried to escape after being punched in the face by the girl, the women responded by taunting him, ordering him not to be a "wimp or a faggot" and to hit his sister back.
One the women told police that the ordeal had been character-building for the toddlers, declaring: "I didn't see any harm in toughening them up-I've done the same with my own children."

The seven-minute film was found by Social Services officials in a council house (why am I not surprised?) on an estate in Plymouth.
The four women all pleaded guilty to child cruelty charges at Plymouth Magistrates' Court.

I'm fucking sickened by this. How dare those bitches goad innocent children into beating up other children! I know this sounds bad, but I hope that when that boy grows up, he ends up beating the crap out of his mother. I hope the mother looks at his son directly in the eyes and thinks "what have I done?"
I'm all for civil liberties but I think that those women should have their ovaries wrenched out.

Date A Hot Scot

Lassies looking for laddies should check out the Scottish Tourist Board's latest campaign.

'Date A Hot Scot', seemingly inspired by constant newspaper tales of rugged men from remote villages looking for love, lets women vote for their favourite Scotsman while getting the chance to win a holiday north of the border.

The site also includes vodcasts of each contestant, plus suggestions for those looking for love from the chic bars and clubs of Edinburgh and Glasgow.

Life as a guy

LIFE AS A GUY

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The world's most premature surviving baby, born at less than 22 weeks, has been allowed home.

Amillia Sonja Taylor was just 9 1/2 inches long (wow, the size of some guys' dicks) and weighed less than 10 ounces (284 grams) when she was born on October 24.

Neonatologists who cared for Amillia say she is the first baby known to survive after a gestation period of fewer than 23 weeks.

Anyone's maternal instinct surfacing? Ooh how I could take that baby to my bosom. LOL eww that makes me sound like a paedo.

When Lee Spievack cried out in pain after slicing off his fingertip he had no idea he was about to find himself at the centre of a medical mystery that appeared to have more in common with Harry Potter than the British Medical Journal.

Rather than follow his doctor's advice and have a skin graft to cover what was left of his finger, the 68-year-old shopkeeper sprinkled the wound with a powdered extract of pig bladder.

Within four weeks, his finger had regained its original length and by the end of four months it was almost back to normal.

I wonder if piggy powder can make other things grow.....

AS comebacks go, the return of All Saints has hardly set pulses racing. And now insiders at their label are saying it could soon be all over.

The girls - whose album Studio 1 charted at a lowly 40 - are expected to be dropped by label EMI.

On the band's website, fans have been speculating wildly about the future prospects of Natalie and Nicole Appleton, Shaznay Lewis and Mel Blatt.

It comes after news that their new single, Chick Fit, is only being released digitally and so won't be available in the shops.

Listen to the new tune:

To any straight guys reading this:

Does your wife/girlfriend have hairy tits? If so, tell her to drink some mint tea!

MINT tea helps women lose unwanted body hair, docs have discovered.

Millions suffer from hirsutism — hair on the face, breasts and tum — caused by high levels of male hormones called androgens.

But a study of 21 women in Isparta, Turkey, found drinking two cups of mint tea a day reduced the hormone’s impact and lessened hair growth.

Die Hard 4 Trailer

The film has the gun-toting cop springing into action after a hi-tech terrorist organisation uses the internet to attack the infrastructure of the United States and shut down the whole country.

The mysterious figure behind the cyber attack, played by Deadwood’s Timothy Olyphant, has covered every digital angle – but he hasn’t bargained for the crime fighting methods of an old fashioned, ‘analogue’ hero.

Orange pancakes with chocolate sauce

Ingredients
For the orange pancakes
110g/4oz plain flour
2 eggs
milk, to make a batter
1 orange, zest only
1-2 tbsp vegetable oil
100ml/3½oz double cream
2 tbsp caster sugar
2 tsp brandy
For the chocolate sauce
100g/3½oz chocolate
1-2 tbsp double cream
1 orange, segmented, to garnish

Method
1. For the orange pancakes, whisk together the plain flour and eggs. Add enough milk to make the mixture the consistency of double cream. Add the orange zest and mix well.
2. Heat a crêpe pan and drizzle the oil into it. Swirl the oil around in the pan, and drain the excess into a ramekin, to use for the next pancake.
3. Add a ladleful of batter into the crêpe pan, ensuring the batter reaches the sides in an even coat.
4. Fry for 1-2 minutes on each side, or until golden in colour.
5. Turn out onto a serving plate, and repeat with the remaining mix, to make four pancakes.
6. Once all have been made, whip together the cream, caster sugar and the brandy, until quite thick.
7. Place a large spoonful of the cream mixture onto each pancake, then fold each over to form a pocket.
8. Arrange on a serving plate.
9. For the chocolate sauce, melt the chocolate in a small pan over a medium heat, adding the cream, to make a pouring consistency.
10. Drizzle the chocolate sauce over the pancakes, to serve, and garnish with orange segments.

Banana, pecan and chocolate crepe

Ingredients
For the crêpe
100g/3½oz plain flour
2 free-range eggs
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp caster sugar
100ml/3½fl oz milk
1 banana, peeled and finely sliced
For the chocolate sauce
50g/2oz chocolate broken into pieces
2 tbsp boiling water
handful pecans
1 tbsp double cream, to serve

Method
1. For the crêpe, place the flour, eggs, two tablespoons of the vegetable oil and caster sugar together into a bowl and whisk together to make a thick paste.
2. Gradually whisk in the milk, until a smooth batter forms.
3. Heat the remaining one tablespoon of oil in a shallow frying pan. Place the slices of banana onto the base of the pan, then pour over enough batter to cover in a thin layer. Cook for 2-3 minutes, until golden-brown on base, then carefully turn over and cook for a further minute, until golden-brown on the other side.
4. For the chocolate sauce, place chocolate pieces in a bowl. Add the boiling water and whisk until the chocolate has melted.
5. Add the pecans and stir well.
6. To serve, place the crepe onto a plate and pour chocolate pecan sauce over. Drizzle with double cream and serve.

Choc chip puffy pancakes

Ingredients
2 eggs
5 tbsp milk
150g/5oz plain flour
2 tbsp caster sugar
pinch of salt
75g/3oz dark chocolate chips
sunflower oil, for frying
butterscotch ice cream, to serve
maple syrup or clear honey, to serve

Method
1. Whisk together the eggs and milk.
2. Place the plain flour, caster sugar and a pinch of salt in large bowl, then make a well in the centre, pour in the liquid and beat with a hand whisk until smooth.
3. Stir in the chocolate chips, then cook spoonfuls of the mixture in a non-stick pan, using just a tiny splash of sunflower oil, for 1-2 minutes on each side until puffed and golden.
4. Stack and serve with a scoop of butterscotch ice cream and a drizzle of maple syrup.

Meringue pancakes with chocolate sauce

Ingredients
2 egg whites
2 tbsp caster sugar
2 ready-made crepes
1 banana, sliced/chopped
For the chocolate sauce
150ml/5fl oz double cream
30-55g/1-2oz chocolate, broken into pieces

Method
1. Preheat the oven to 220C/425F/Gas 7.
2. Whisk the egg whites in a large clean bowl to form soft peaks. Whisk the sugar in until the whites become stiff and glossy.
3. Lay the pancakes out flat on a surface and divide the banana between them.
4. Spoon the egg whites on top and then carefully fold up to make a fan shape.
5. Place on a non-stick baking tray and bake in the oven for 4-5 minutes, or until the meringue is golden.
6. Meanwhile, to make the chocolate sauce, bring the cream to the boil in a small pan and then stir in the chocolate pieces until melted.
7. Remove the meringue pancakes from the oven and transfer to a serving plate.
8. Drizzle the chocolate sauce over to serve.

Basic pancakes with sugar and lemon

Ingredients
For the pancake mixture:
110g/4oz plain flour, sifted
pinch of salt
2 eggs
200ml/7fl oz milk mixed with 75ml/3fl oz water
50g/2oz butter
To serve:
caster sugar
lemon juice
lemon wedges

Method

Sift the flour and salt into a large mixing bowl with a sieve held high above the bowl so the flour gets a airing. Now make a well in the centre of the flour and break the eggs into it. Then begin whisking the eggs - any sort of whisk or even a fork will do - incorporating any bits of flour from around the edge of the bowl as you do so.

Next gradually add small quantities of the milk and water mixture, still whisking (don't worry about any lumps as they will eventually disappear as you whisk). When all the liquid has been added, use a rubber spatula to scrape any elusive bits of flour from around the edge into the centre, then whisk once more until the batter is smooth, with the consistency of thin cream. Now melt the 50g/2oz of butter in a pan. Spoon 2 tbsp of it into the batter and whisk it in, then pour the rest into a bowl anduse it to lubricate the pan, using a wodge of kitchen paper to smear it round before you make each pancake.

Now get the pan really hot, then turn the heat down to medium and, to start with, do a test pancake to see if you're using the correct amount of batter. I find 2 tbsp is about right for an 18cm/7in pan. It's also helpful if you spoon the batter into a ladle so it can be poured into the hot pan in one go. As soon as the batter hits the hot pan, tip it around from side to side to get the base evenly coated with batter. It should take only half a minute or so to cook; you can lift the edge with a palette knife to see if it's tinged gold as it should be. Flip the pancake over with a pan slice or palette knife - the other side will need a few seconds only - then simply slide it out of the pan onto a plate.
Stack the pancakes as you make them between sheets of greaseproof paper on a plate fitted over simmering water, to keep them warm while you make the rest.

To serve, spinkle each pancake with freshly squeezed lemon juice and caster sugar, fold in half, then in half again to form triangles, or else simply roll them up. Serve sprinkled with a little more sugar and lemon juice and extra sections of lemon.

Today why not try these 4 basic brain questions and see how good your brain wiring is.


Below are 4 questions which you should answer immediately. The answers are given on scrolling down.

1) You're participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position are you in now?

2) If you overtake the last person in the same race, then you are ........?

3) Now for arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only, no calculator or pencil and paper. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. And finally, add 10. What's the total?

4) Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, and Nono. What is the name of the 5th daughter?

Now for the answers - how many did you get right?

1) Many people answer that they are in first place, but this is not correct. By overtaking the the second person, it means you take up the second position.

2) If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong. As it's not possible to overtake the last person.

3) Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe me, check it with a calculator.

4) Many people answer Nunu? Yet this is not correct - her name is Mary. Read the question again!

I hope you liked the brain questions and that they kept your brain alert.

Wee Poof!

Glasgow Evening Times 12.2.07

Jonah Ditton was called "a wee poof" by his manager and worked for only eight days for CP Publishing of Glasgow before being sacked. A Glasgow employment tribunal has awarded him a total of £118,309 compensation for discrimination on the grounds of his sexual orientation. It is understood to be the highest award by a tribunal for bias on the grounds of sexual preference.

OMG, £118k! I hope I get called a wee poof at work!

US contingency plans for air strikes on Iran extend beyond nuclear sites and include most of the country's military infrastructure.

It is understood that any such attack - if ordered - would target Iranian air bases, naval bases, missile facilities and command-and-control centres.

The US insists it is not planning to attack, and is trying to persuade Tehran to stop uranium enrichment.

BBC security correspondent Frank Gardner says the trigger for such an attack reportedly includes any confirmation that Iran was developing a nuclear weapon - which it denies.

Alternatively, a high-casualty attack on US forces in neighbouring Iraq could also trigger a bombing campaign if it were traced directly back to Tehran.

Well, I think what we've learnt from the war in Iraq, is that if the US wants to bomb Iran, it'll find ways of doing so, and it'll conjure up some tenuous evidence to justify an attack. And Blair, if he's still in Office, will obviously start kissing Bush's ass once again and then start scaremongering the British people into believing everything he says. Even if Iran is building a nuclear weapon, does that justify a pre-emptive strike? India and Pakistan both have nukes, as well as North Korea, Israel, the US, the UK, China, Russia and plenty of other States I'm sure. Nobody is stupid enough to use them; it's just to provide a deterrent. And as for tracing a bombing campaign back to Tehran, well, I'm sure someone, somewhere, will be able to fabricate evidence. If you look hard enough, you can find evidence for anything. Those bastard politicians explicitly said that Iraq were building up nuclear and biological weapons. What a load of shit! If they can say crap like that, why should anyone believe what they say now?

It may be possible to read a person's personality through their eyes, Swedish researchers have said.

They have detected patterns which show warm-heartedness and trust or neuroticism and impulsiveness.

The team from Orebro University read pits and lines in the irises of 428 people.

Experts said the study in Biological Psychology showed that at least some aspects of personality were determined by genetics.

Close-up pictures were taken of the study participants' irises, and they also filled out a questionnaire about their personalities.

The researchers looked at crypts (pits) and contraction furrows (lines curving around the outer edge of the iris), which are formed when pupils dilate.

It was found that those with more crypts were likely to be tender, warm and trusting, while those with more furrows were more likely to be neurotic, impulsive and give in to cravings.

Quite interesting. I wonder what my eyes would say about me.........hmm probably best not to know!

For any Kylie fans out there:

An unknown Scottish songwriter has been plucked from obscurity to help write a new album for Kylie Minogue.

Calvin Harris from Dumfries was brought to the singer's attention after posting his music on the "My Space" website.

The 23-year-old DJ and former shelf stacker turned to the website where he has built up a cult following.

A spokesman for Kylie said: "She has been working on some tracks with Calvin. Kylie heard stuff he'd done and liked it. Things are going well."

Hmph. I spent aaaaages ironing my shirts this evening. *Cries* I'm gonna have to do this every week! Does anyone have any time-saving techniques? Ooh what about that spray starch stuff? Is that any good?

The Simpsons Movie Trailer

Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand.

The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.

Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.

Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"

The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.

There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now YOU saved my life, my friend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

*loud groan*

Sorry, that was terrible!

Just a reminder that while tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday, TODAY is Collop Monday - you should be eating bacon and eggs, then saving the fat from the bacon to make tomorrow's pancakes.

Aren't you pleased I told you that?

Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question, if they aren't
>>prepared for the answer.

>>In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a Grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

>>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Smith. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll
send you to The Electric Chair."

The String and the Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed
he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve
our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen
and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon
and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next
time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we
can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I
don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The late Mr. Common Sense
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
> has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
> since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
> will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
> Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the
> worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
> more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
> are in charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
> from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
> reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
> job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
> children.
>
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
> consent to administer first aid cream, sun lotion or a band-aid to a
> student.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses and
> criminals received better treatment than their victims.
>
> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
> burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
> her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
>
> He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is
> To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
> you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
> nothing.

DOCTOR Who bosses have apologised after gay star John Barrowman made a series of saucy remarks in the show’s family magazine.

Camp John, 39 — who has played bisexual Captain Jack Harkness in the series and the spin-off Torchwood — shocked readers by boasting that his manhood was “really too big”.

He went on to talk about Torchwood director Ashley Way, saying: “He’s a real hotty. I like him. He has a nice bum.”

John also spoke of how he fancied former Doctor Christopher Ecclestone and “sexy” current star David Tennant. And he recalled a recent daydream where he woke up aroused.

Outraged readers complained that the content was too explicit for a family magazine. Fan Robert Mitchell, from Brighton, said: “The magazine is called Doctor Who Magazine and not Gay Times.”

Fancy a £6 butty?

Oi, my butty is worth more than £6 (lol).

How about a £6 bacon butty?
Billed as the Ultimate Bacon Sandwich, it has been created by Lawrence Keogh, head chef at Roast restaurant in Borough Market.

The £6 sarnie is a triple-decker with six rashers of the finest bacon. Instead of ketchup it is accompanied by lightly sauteed tomatoes spiked with Worcester sauce and celery salt and garnished with thinly sliced red onion rings.

The butty is designed to mark British Bacon Education Week.

Mmmm I'm drooling from every orifice. lol

A couple, their daughter and their dog are stranded at sea, with only two lifejackets, so who does the husband save? Why, his daughter, of course. And the dog.

It may sound like a joke but this story is true. As his frantic wife dialled 999, the husband quickly dished out the boat's only survival kit to his 12-year-old girl and their collie.

LOL I love it!

DIRTY loo paper has been sent to BBC stars in a vile hate campaign.

Cops are investigating a string of packages posted to some of broadcasting’s best-known names.

Match Of The Day 2 frontman Adrian Chiles was among those targeted.

He said: “I’ve had seven or eight lots. It’s disgusting. The smell of someone else’s shit is not something you want first thing in the morning.”

All the letters were posted to BBC Television Centre since mid-January.

The BBC said: “When we can identify the sender they can expect a visit from the police.”

A source added: “There is no letter or note or anything — just the used toilet paper.”

Nasty! It wasn't me! If it was, I'd have sent a turd (with one of those cocktail umbrellas poking out) in a nicely packaged box with a pink ribbon.

Natasha Bedingfield - These Words

Squeeze That Saggy Tit!

A visitor poses next to a naked QEII sculpture in Barcelona for the Modern and Contemporary Show.

Ready, set, WANK!

Cheeky Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Click images to enlarge.

Some trolly dolly whore tells the Sunday Mirror about her shag with Ralph Fiennes.

Lisa met Ralph, after he boarded Qantas flight QF123, business class, from Darwin, Australia for an evening flight to Mumbai on January 24.

As Fiennes sat sipping red wine, they chatted in the cheery way expected of her job as she strolled through the cabin. She said: "There was an instant chemistry between us. He was flirting with me. Every time I looked up I saw that he was watching me.

It was 11pm and most of the other 12 passengers in business class were sleeping. Fiennes was in a window seat.

"After 10 minutes, he pulled the curtain across a little and peered in and said to me, 'I'm sorry, were you sleeping?'" said Lisa. "He sat opposite me in the pull-down crew jump seat. Our knees were practically touching.

"We were so close. Our faces were less than a foot apart and then he started holding my hands. Then he began kissing me. The kissing was very passionate and his hands were all over me. I just melted. He started caressing my neck, holding my head and then he started undoing the buttons on my dress. The way he was going, he would have had sex with me there and then. I melted. I was gone. I was very turned on. So was he. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was touching his face and his hair. He had beautiful skin. I could tell he was aroused. I was undoing his shirt as well.

"It was a bit surreal - like a scene from one of his movies. He was kissing me full on, putting his tongue in my mouth. I was afraid my supervisor might pull back the curtain and catch us.

"Eventually, I couldn't bear it any longer. I just grabbed his hand and said, 'Come in here a minute'.

"By this time, we had half our clothes off. I didn't care if my boss saw us, I led him into the cabin toilet next to where we had been sitting and locked the door. The second we were in there, he started ripping his clothes off and then he helped me get mine off.

"Within seconds, we both ended up totally naked - him with his trousers around his shoes and me stripped bare. My hold-up stockings were the only thing left on.

"I had been wearing a bra but not any knickers. One Qantas girl got hauled over the coals because her panty line was visible through her dress so I thought, 'I'll show them - I won't wear any underwear'. I have always found not wearing knickers liberating.

"There wasn't much room. We were both standing up. I sat on the sink and straight away Ralph starting giving me oral sex. It was amazing but I was a bit shocked. I liked it but I was surprised he would do that to a total stranger.

"He was a completely unselfish lover. He did that for a few minutes then I grabbed his manhood. He was very well endowed.

"I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew everything was totally against the rules and wrong but I didn't care. I was going for it.

HE didn't wear a condom. I was a bit shocked. Looking back it was dangerous behaviour - and pretty hypocritical given that he was going to India to talk about Aids.

"The sex went on for about 10 minutes. We must have been making a bit of noise. I had my feet against the wall during sex. I started to realise that people would miss me and wonder where I was as my break was almost over. I heard some noises outside and told him we had to get out of there quickly.

"I helped him get dressed and he told me that when he got out of there that he would press his call button to distract the other flight attendants so I could leave the toilet."

When the plane landed Lisa made sure she stood next to Fiennes as he got off and they arranged he would phone her.

Lisa had been at her hotel for only 30 minutes when her phone went. It was Fiennes.

He was on his way to his hotel, The Intercontinental, and wanted her to come over. "I had a shower, put on a little floral sun dress and my flip-flops," she said.

"I put on minimum makeup and had a glass of wine because I was a bit nervous."

Fiennes opened the door of his sixth-floor suite, room 663, naked bar a white towel around his waist. "He said. 'How are you darling? I'm just having a bath. Make yourself a drink'," Lisa said.

"He dropped the towel and was wandering around naked. I was laughing, I thought it was hilarious. He had quite a nice body.

"It was a really luxurious room. The bath tub was in the centre of this large bathroom. There was a bottle of red wine with a little note saying, 'Welcome Mr Fiennes'. I was like an excited kid in a sweet shop.

"Ralph got up and got changed into a casual blue shirt and chinos and asked if I would like to go out and have some dinner with him. He said he'd heard there was a really lovely restaurant on the roof. I said that would be great.

"I was delighted. I thought he would just keep me in the room, have sex with me and throw me out. But he was a complete gentleman, treating our meeting like a real date. We ordered snacks and drinks. He had a martini.

"He was holding my hand and had his arm around me, as if I was his girlfriend."

He put on a DVD - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - which he said he was watching for research. He came over, threw the top sheet off the bed and took his clothes off. I took my clothes off at the same time. There was no conversation and in no time we were kissing and right into it.

"He opened a box of condoms and took one out and put one on. I was lying on the bed naked but then he wanted me to stand up. I was facing him.

"We were kissing and fondling each other for a minute or so, then he turned me around, bent me over and had sex with me.

"I thought to myself, 'Ralph, you are a bit of a kinky boy' - but I was loving it."

Lisa and Fiennes had sex twice more that evening.

Before they fell asleep, she said the actor told her: "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kick you out in the morning.

*Sigh*

Did that turn you on too? lol

IIo-Rapture

I looooooooooooooooove this song! Makes me really shake me hips! lol

Tsk. I'm pissed off. There's this guy down the road whose wife left him a few years ago. My folks are sort of related to him, but he wasn't exactly best friend material. Anyway, when his wife left him, my dad, feeling sorry for him, befriended him. Nothing wrong with that at all, except that the guy is a fucking user! Now he turns up at our house at least 3 times a week- to use my dad's £300 Dell laptop. Can't he fucking buy his own? He has his own 3 bedroom house with no mortgage to pay. He's loaded. What annoys me is that he just likes to dig for information which is none of his business! Example: he turned up at a house a few doors away, which had undergone some reconstruction, and said that he would like to have a look around and see the quality of the work because he was thinking of getting some work done to his property. Lying bastard. He had no intention of getting any work done to his house. Another example: recently my dad called in a plumber to install some new radiators. About 10 minutes after the plumber left, that guy came running to our house and asked my Dad: "Oh, have you bought a new van?" Yeah right. What the fuck are we going to do with a huge white van with the slogan: "Lacking a gush? We can Brush and Flush" painted on the side? He just came over to find out who we called, what work the plumber did, and how much we paid.
He's here right now and though I don't want to go into the living room, I think he's probably on the laptop right now. So now I'm gonna be an evil biatch and switch off the router for a little while. Hehe. Hopefully that'll send him back home. Catch you lot later. xxxx

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when it's over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, “Why are you stroking that ferret?”

He replies, “Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world.”

“Bullshit, there’s no way a ferret can do that.”

“Go try yourself.”

So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly there’s banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. “I will give you $500, no $1000, for this ferret.”

The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. “Alright, a thousand dollars it is.”

The first guy pays the second guy and takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, “What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret?”

“Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!”

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".

The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"

The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."

His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"

The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, "What happened?!"

The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"

The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"

The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"

I think I posted this one already. Well here you go again!


One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks.

So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

I Never Copped A Feel

THIS is funny!

Who Will Be Miss Gay UK?

The race is on to find Miss Gay UK, thanks to a lesbian couple from Leicester who have revived the idea for the competition that has not run since 2001.

Inspired by the new image of lesbians presented in popular media such as The L Word, the organisers have launched a search for women with "strength, beauty and ambition".

They feel the need to publicise that: "Lesbian and bisexual women are not all dungaree-wearing, armpit hair-growing, short haired women who favour the smell of their own body odour."

LOL!

I just realised I haven't posted a rude man pic in ages so here you go!

A Koala in the Big Apple

A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk. After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff.

The koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"

The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?"

The koala bear immediately replied yes.

"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.

"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York experience," said the bear with a grin on his face.

The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and proceeded to the door.

The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?"

The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. "I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"

The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?"

The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in the dictionary, look it up."

The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in exchange for money."

The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her money. The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look up the word koala bear?"

The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"

The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves."

25 worst chat up lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.

3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.

8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the front door and I'll bang you all night long.

12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap B&B.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Rules blokes wish women knew

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the fucker down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentine's, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.

10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.

23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

34. Consider sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

40. Do not question our sense of direction.

PRINCE Harry will be serving on the front line in Iraq by the end of the month.

The 22-year-old prince will head for Basra with comrades from the Blues and Royals Regiment within days and will then probably be deployed along the border with Iran.

A senior military source said: "The final details are being sorted, but he is definitely going. Naturally, his royal status has to be taken into account - but he will see action."

I've got no problem with his going, but I hope that other soldiers' lives are not put in jeopardy trying to protect his Royal ass all the time.

A vampire woman tied up her Valentine date and sliced him with a knife so she could drink his blood, cops said yesterday.

Tiffany Sutton, 23, is said to have cut the man on his leg and upper body after he agreed to a bondage session.

The victim, 45, told police she drank a “little bit” of blood before he escaped. He ran naked from his house in Tempe, Arizona, with Sutton allegedly chasing him with a pickaxe.

The man was found unconscious and taken to hospital.

That miserable programme EASTENDERS is to be screened FIVE times a week to do battle with rival Coronation Street.

Suicide rates are gonna rocket!

Harry Potter's Ass!

Stop staring! lol

Still too boyish for my liking.

DEATH NOTICED: After the sudden death of former stripper and wanna-be
actress Anna Nicole Smith, 39, news spread fast on online news and blog
sites. "The occasion gave free rein to the pseudonymous savagery which
passes for informed commentary on the Web," the Reuters newswire
editorialized. For example: "Anna Nicole Smith's condition downgraded
to dead," headlined fark.com, where a shot of a beached whale was
captioned "preliminary autopsy photo." But legitimate news outlets were
hardly less "savage". Australia's Sydney Morning Herald noted "she was
as talentless as Paris Hilton, as empty as the celebrity culture she
once craved." Her cause of death was "a fatal dose of celebrity," the
paper said, noting that to "a casual viewer of her television show it
was obvious that something more chemically active than silicone was in
her body." (Reuters, Sydney Morning Herald) ...Yes, well, live by the
media, die by the media.

Holy Moly- It's NAKED H!

If you didn't see this on The Tonight Show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates..but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.


Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her ass off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off !

Eating fish and seafood during pregnancy has long-lasting benefits for the child, a UK study has suggested.

Children of mothers who had eaten lots of fish during pregnancy had better communication and social skills at seven years old, the Lancet paper says. Well that provides some explanation as to why I'm a hermit. lol

Changing attitudes to death have led to the development of the first university degree for funeral directors in the UK.

The foundation course will be offered by the University of Bath's Centre for Death and Society (CDAS).

The two-year foundation degree will complement the Masters programme in Death and Society, launched last October.

I was going to say "oh dear, another Mickey Mouse degree", but the University of Bath is ranked no.9 in The Times Good University Guide 2007. I wonder what the course will involve. Make-up and dressing the dead, dealing with discharges, how to mask nasty odours?

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

In case I forget to say it on Sunday 18th February. Happy new year to all the yellas reading this. Well there's only one.
It's the year of the piggy! So you're allowed KFC every evening this year.

If you were born in 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983 or 1995 - you were born under the sign of the pig. Like the pig, you are highly regarded for your chilvary and pureness of heart, and you often make friends for life. Bit wishy washy innit? lol For pigs in 2007, any recent setbacks or obstacles can be overcome so look forward to a year in which to really shine, either personally or professionally.

The Pig will get along WELL with the Goat and the Rabbit, but it must AVOID the Snake! (I'm the Snake! *hiss*)

Just some random stuff I found on the web:

Advantages of Pig people: Honest, reliable, brave and chivalrous, sincere, tolerant for hard works or stress, kind, affectionate, naive, thirst for knowledge, successful professionals, treat their loved ones with great kindness, enjoy material comfort, sacrificial, more inner strength than others, deep knowledge.

Disadvantages of Pig people: Impulsive, short tempered, greedy, enjoy eating and like tasty foods, reject help from others, lonely.

And here are some recipes by Nancy Lam:

NOODLES WITH PORK AND PRAWN

Ingredients
8 oz Fresh Noodles
8 oz Prawns (fresh or good quality frozen ones that don't shrink)
8oz Lean Pork
8oz Chinese cabbage
8oz Red Pepper
2 tbsp Oyster Sauce
2 tsp Cornstarch (aka cornflour)
2 tbsp Stock
2 tbsp Dry Onion Flakes*
1 clove Garlic
1 tbsp Soya Sauce
2 tbsp Oil

(* If you don't happen to have a chinese supermarket near you, you can make dry onion flakes by: slicing five shallots very thinly - like paper, put them on to kitchen roll for 15 minutes to dry, pat dry. Next, put one cup of oil in a saucepan, heat till very hot, then place all the sliced shallots in to the oil until lightly brown (approximately two minutes). Then take out of oil and drain. Pour onions onto tissue to drain. (keep the oil for later use for e.g. stir fry noodles)

Preparation
Peel and de-vein the prawns
Slice the pork into thin slices and season with cornstarch
Cut the cabbage and red pepper into bite size
Chop the garlic

Cooking
1. Stir fry the garlic to flavour the oil and then add the pork, prawns, vegetables and noodles.
2. After add the oyster sauce, soya sauce and stock over the ingredients and stir in until cooked.
3. Transfer to a plate and garnish with onion flakes
4. Serve with a fresh cut chillies with soya sauce

PAPER WRAP CHICKEN

Ingredients
300g of chicken breast
1 tablespoon of dry sherry
2 tablespoon of brandy
1 tablespoon of dark brown sugar
2 teaspoon of corn flour
2 tablespoon of oyster sauce*
Dash of sesame oil
Oil for deep frying
Rice paper*
*try and get as good quality oyster sauce as possible.
*Rice paper is often called flour paper in supermarkets, if you can't find either you can try using a thinly spread piece of filo pastry and wrap round the chicken, fry in the same way.

Preparation
Slice the chicken sideways in about 1 cm thick and marinade with all the ingredients for an hour, drain the chicken to eliminate extra juice, wrap with the rice paper.

Cooking
Deep fry quickly for around one minutes until a light brown colour and serve.

EGG FRIED RICE

Ingredients
2 cups of cooked rice
2 Eggs
2 tbsp Soya Sauce
1 tsp Oyster Sauce
Few drops Sesame Oil
1 tbsp Cooking Oil
Black Pepper (optional)

Cooking
1. Heat the cooking oil to high heat
2. Beat the egg in and stir it around until almost cooked, Reduce the heat to medium, Add the cooked rice and stir. 3. Add the soya sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil and black pepper, Stir continuously until everything is nice and steamy.

Top Tip:
- You can add onto the egg fried rice prawns, chicken, chilli, vegetables etc.
- Cooking Rice - always rinse the rice twice before you start cooking it. Don't squash the rise when rinsing. Remember one cup of rice to one cup of water. Boil the rice until the water reduces and cover and simmer for 10 minutes. That's the best rice to eat. It becomes nice and fluffy.

Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks

1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special?
Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Climate Change Concert Makes Me Burn With Anger

The Red Hot Chili Peppers and British band Keane are among more than 100 music stars to appear at a concert for climate change.

The 24-hour Live Earth event has been organised by former US vice president Al Gore who announced that the show will feature star-studded concerts in London and six other cities around the world on July 7.

Shanghai, Johannesburg, Sydney and locations to be confirmed in Japan, Brazil and the US will all be involved.

There will even be a concert in Antarctica.

British bands who have added their names to the impressive list of performers include Snow Patrol and Bloc Party as well as Irish singer Damien Rice.

Mr Gore announced the details of the huge event flanked by Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz and rapper Pharrell Williams.

"We have to get the message of urgency and hope out. In order to solve the climate crisis, we have to reach billions of people,"(and make some new fans along the way?) he said.

I have a few things to say:

1) It's a bit hypocritical for these pop stars to tell us about climate change when they travel around the world in their private jets, emitting a lot of C02, and living a lifestyle which necessitates the burning of fossil fuels. How many of those cunts have solar panels? How many have wind turbines? How many of their homes are energy efficient. Those technologies are too expensive for the rest of us, but those rich bastards CAN afford it.

2) Do they really give a shit about climate change? Their agents are telling them to take part because it'll be good exposure and make the public love them. Whatever!

3) Do they think the celebrity-obsessed public are going to change their habits? Hell they just wanna see a showbiz extravaganza!

4) Let's face it, we're doomed. Men may have built their cities, but ultimately we will be the cause of our downfall. Dinosaurs lived for hundreds of millions of years. We won't survive a fraction of that because we're selfish bastards who need gas-guzzling SUVs to cushion our fat asses and because our mentality is that bigger is always better. Well, only in certain respects. lol
If we want to save the planet from climate change, we would need to live like the Aborigines and the North American Indians. They're the only ones who actually respect the planet and its resources.

5) A concert in Antarctica? That's nice...bringing all the pollution to one of the cleanest places on Earth. Good one.

6) Damn government needs to make it affordable for us to buy solar panels etc. Of course, we know why they won't do that.

Joel Surnow's "The 1/2 Hour News Hour"

Some of this is funny, especially the T-shirt bit at the end.

A hamster was miraculously brought back to life after being cooked by accident.

The pet, called Christmas, must have had a gnawing feeling something was wrong when his cage was left on top of an oven and the hob was turned on by mistake.

The cage burst into flames and Christmas became a furry fireball.

When firefighters arrived to put out the blaze, the rodent was lying on his back with his charred legs in the air and tongue hanging out.

Officer Mark Spinks, 36, admitted: 'We all looked at each other and said, “That hamster is a goner”.'

But when colleagues gave Christmas a blast of oxygen, a few nips of Ribena and rubbed his belly, they were amazed to see him splutter back to life.

Jokes

Some are good, some are bad, and some are downright awful!


What did one condom say to the other condom in front of the gay bar?
"Let's go in here and get shitfaced."
___

Three gay guys get on an elevator and they see a white, slimey mess on one wall. The first guy goes over and takes a look.

"It looks like cum," he exclaimed. The second guy walks over.

"And it smells like cum, too," he proclaimed. Finally, the third guy walks over.

Bending down, he takes a lick of the mess on the wall. "It's cum alright, but it's no one from this building."

___

What did one gay sperm say to another?
"How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

__

Two faggots were on a sunny beach. The first one said, "Shall I put the umbrella up?" "Yes," replied the second homo, "But don't open it, I'm a bit sore!"

__

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass.
Lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapuss

___

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't moan when you put the meat in.

__

What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

__

Q: How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?
A: Shit in her cunt.

__

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

__

Have you heard that Pocahontis had a gay brother?
His name was Pocahiney.

__

How do you make an old queen scream twice?

First you fuck him in the ass.

Then you wipe your dick on his drapes.

__

Mark, Rick and Steve are sitting in a funeral home after their lovers have all passed away.

Mark: My partner loved to sail. I'm going to release my lovers ashes into the ocean so he can sail the ocean one last time.

Rick: My partner was a great pilot and loved to fly. I'm going to release his ashes from a plane so he can soar through the air one last time.

Steve: That's nothing. My partner was such a great lover that I'm going to put his ashes in a big pot of chili and let him tear up my ass one more time.

__

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid. He said to the other man, What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

__

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

___

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

__

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

__

There were two queers driving down the road, when suddenly they're rear-ended by a 18-wheeler. Both vehicles pull to the side of the road, & one of the queers jumps out of his car & storms over to the 18-wheeler.
Looking up at the driver & speaking with a serious lisp, says:
"I'm gonna sue! "I'm gonna sue! "I'm gonna sue!
The truck driver looks down at him with disdain & says:
"Suck my cock, Faggot!"
The queer, with a surprised look on his face, runs quickly back to his own car & looks in the driver window at his queer buddy with that still surprised look.
His buddy asks:
"What's wrong?! What'd he say?! What'd he say?!"
The queer looks back at his buddy with a gleeful smile coming across his face & starts chanting:
"We're settling out of court! We're settling out of court!"

__

A high-ranking official in Moscow has joined in the growing debate over the city's refusal to allow a gay rights parade this year.

Georgy Muradov, head of the city's international relations department, yesterday likened homosexuality to alcoholism and argued that both are "bad for one's health."

LMAO!

An Irish university's gay group has been blocked from presenting their own camp version of hit movie Sister Act, reports the Irish Times.

Students at the University of Ireland in Galway had been practicing for six months apparently, and are devestated by the heavy-handedness of Disney in threatening them with legal action.

Now THAT I'd like to see! lol

Channel 4 will mark the 40th anniversary of the decriminalisation of homosexuality this summer with a series of films and documentaries.

Clapham Junction, a film by Kevin Elyot, is expected to generate more headlines for the channel.

It charts the lives of seven gay men over a 36-hour period as they visit Clapham Common in search of sex.

Tut, no wonder the heteros think we're nasty sex-obsessed freaks who go out shagging in the woods at every opportunity! We're not ALL like that!

Eat Watercress?

Eating watercress every day could help protect against cancer, say researchers.

The vegetable reduces damage to DNA in cells, according to a British trial.

The research, which was funded by British watercress suppliers, found smokers gained most from a watercress-rich diet - probably because the habit depletes anti-oxidants.

Dr Anthea Martin, of Cancer Research UK, said: 'While the results of this study are interesting, it involved a relatively small number of people."

Lezzas Booted From The Old Cock Inn! lol

A PUB landlady who threw out two lesbian policewomen was cleared of wrongdoing by a court yesterday.

Nicola Hackett told WPCs Nicola Stewart and Lisa Curchun to leave after customers complained they had been snogging.

Regulars said one of the women had even been groping the other’s inner thigh under her clothes.

But the cops made a complaint to police — and Nicola was arrested and charged with a public order offence “likely to cause distress, harassment or alarm”.

Yesterday Nicola, who runs the Old Cock Inn in Harpenden, Herts, was cleared by magistrates in St Albans.

Chairwoman Penny Williams said there were “significant inconsistencies” in the evidence given by prosecution witnesses.

Speaking after the case Nicola said: “I’m over the moon. This has been a nightmare. My good reputation is worth everything to me. I have nothing against gay people but I can’t have my customers being made to feel uncomfortable by public displays of passion — whether it be from gay or heterosexual couples.”

The magistrates heard the cops went into the pub with two other people after a birthday celebration at a nearby restaurant.

They bought just one cola drink between them and sat down at a table.

WPC Stewart told the court that Nicola went over to them and asked if they were going to buy more. She claimed the landlady told her she didn’t want their sort in her pub and told them to leave.

WPC Stewart, of Hertfordshire Police, said she and her partner had just been holding hands and she’d pecked WPC Curchun on the cheek.

Her lover, from the Bedfordshire force, was so upset at what happened she had cried all the way home. Yeah right. Butch lezza crying all the way home? I don't believe it!

But pub deputy manager Rhian Roderick backed Nicola and told magistrates she was “shocked and disgusted”(I don't blame her. I'd be disgusted too at lezzas fingering each other under the table) by what she saw and she had passed on customer complaints to her boss.

A FLORIST was ticked off by FIVE cops for having the words ‘Willy’ and ‘Fanny’ in his Valentine’s window display.

Mark Nicholas had cards saying “Willy 4 Fanny” and “Who will you give one to this Valentine’s?”

But four officers told him to take them down after complaints — and a fifth went to his home to issue a warning. Mark, 36, of Hayle, Cornwall, said: “It seems ridiculous.”

Now Boyzone Reforms!

BOYZONE are set to reform — in a deal worth more than £1million each.

The Nineties boy band will do a European tour and TV comeback special.

And the five lads are likely to make millions more in merchandising rights.

It follows comebacks by Take That, E17 and the Police.

Crazy Lady

C

The Killers- When You Were Young- Brit Awards 2007

My favourite performance of the night.

Ugh I'm so tired. I decided to get up at 6am because I think I need to get used to waking up at a ridiculous hour for my new job, which I start on Wednesday. Also on my mind is whether to do the Legal Practice Course in September. I've been offered a place on the 2 year part-time weekend course and now I don't know if I'll have the energy to do it! It's going to cost £10,000 and I guess I should only do it if I want to be a solicitor. LOL I was thinking of doing it because I thought it might be "fun". Crazy huh? Feel free to ignore the rest of this post because I just need to set out the pros and cons for doing it in order to clearly see whether I should do it:

Pros:
1) It would be interesting
2) I'd develop some useful, transferable skills
3) By the time I finish, all I'd need to do is find a training contract with a firm or at the very least, I would be considered for those paralegal jobs which insist on applicants having the LPC (even though the duties are mainly administrative. Tsk!).
4) It would be something to keep me busy. I'm one of those freaks who actually enjoys continuous learning.

Cons:
1) It costs 10 grand.
2) It costs 10 grand.
3) It costs 10 grand.
4) It costs 10 grand.
5) It costs 10 grand.
6) I'm going to be sooooo tired. Will I have the time to study?
6) Should I really do a course which is meant for intending solicitors? I'm not desperate to be a solicitor, even though I've enjoyed my legal studies. I'm not even motivated by money. I want to enjoy what I do, and not rip people off, or kiss arse.
7) If I do the course, do I have a realistic prospect of getting a decent training contract with a firm which specialises in the area of law that I've enjoyed studying? I.e. IT/e-commerce law, and media law. My new job would provide me with some really good experience, but even that might not be enough. There are just too many applicants scrambling for those very few places and the decent law firms are easily impressed by fresh-faced desperados who would sell their grandmothers for a training contract. And the kind of work experience they have involves being a barrister's minion, carrying heavy files etc, just to put it on their CV, or they spend 1 week at a law firm and just basically observe what people do, or they have the fucking Duke of Edinburgh's Award!!! I mean, how do I compete with THAT!?! lol

Well, after that careful analysis, I'm still not sure what to do! If I do it, money would definitely be an issue, and I've got to save £2750 by August 2007. I think I can manage it, but it just means I'm scrimping and saving for the next two years in order to pay the instalments by the various deadlines.
Argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Any rich daddies wanna sponsor me? lol
Me love you long time!

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one
of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'".

" No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was
struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

> >>1-- To make an appointment to see me.
> >>2-- To query a missing payment.
> >>3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> >>4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> >>5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >>6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> >>7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
> >>computer is required. A password will be communicated
to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
> >>8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
> >>9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
> >>put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax ,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight .
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

Women's Language

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish..................................49.

Adventurous.................... ..... Slept with everyone.

Athletic............................... No breasts.

Average looking..................... Moooo.

Beautiful............................ . Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure.................. On medication.

Feminist............................. . Fat.

Free Spirit............................. Junkie.

Friendship first....................... Former Slut.

New-Age........................... .. Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned................. ...... No BJs

Open-minded.................. ...... Desperate.

Outgoing........................... .. Loud and embarrassing.

Professional.................... ...... Bitch.

Voluptuous....................... ... Very fat.

Large frame........................... Hugely fat.

Wants soul mate..................... Stalker .

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes..................................... No

No...................................... Yes

Maybe............................... . No

We need............................... I want

I am sorry............................. You'll be sorry

We need to talk...................... You're in trouble

Sure, go ahead........................ You better not

Do what you want................... You will pay for this later

I am not upset........................ Of course, I am upset, you fucking arsehole!

You're attentive tonight............ Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry........................... I am hungry

I am sleepy............................ I am sleepy

I am tired.............................. I am tired

Nice dress.............................. Nice cleavage!

I love you.............................. Let' s have sex now

I am bored............................. Do you want to have sex?

May I have this dance?.................. I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime?.............. I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie?...... I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner?........ I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.............. I'm gay.

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions....But Never Will

1 No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex

2 The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat

3 You've got no chance of me calling you.

4 No, I won't be gentle

5 Of course you have to swallow

6 Well yes actually, I do this all the time

7 I hate your fucking friends

8 I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9 I'd rather watch a porno

10 Eat it??? It took me ten pints just to get the courage to shag it.

This is for men tired of receiving male bashing jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . .."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Eleven Things You'll Never Hear a Woman Say

1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim

2 You take me out too much, can't we just stay in

3 A fake one will do

4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob

5 Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it

6 That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body

7 My mother is a real old bitch

8 No, No, you buy me too much already

9 Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy; you know I love it

10 What headache ?

11 Put your money away, let me buy the round

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.

Demolition

The most famous football stadium in China has been spectacularly demolished in less than seven seconds as preparations for next year's Olympics in Beijing continue.

The Wulihe stadium was torn down in just 6.6seconds and will be replaced by shopping centres.

Now Even The Michelin Man Is A "Size Zero"

OK not quite size zero, but you can see what I'm getting at.







1912 Michelin, who liked doughnuts- a lot!
















2007 Michelin, who's now on a Skeletor Beckham diet of edamame, pretzels and occasionally sushi.

Brits Winners 2007

BRITS WINNERS
British Male Solo Artist: James Morrison
British Female Solo Artist: Amy Winehouse
Best British Group: Arctic Monkeys
British Album: Arctic Monkeys (Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not)
British Single: Take That (Patience)
British Breakthrough Act: The Fratellis
British Live Act: Muse
International Male Solo Artist: Justin Timberlake
International Female Solo Artist: Nelly Furtado
International Group: The Killers
International Album: The Killers (Sam's Town)
International Breakthrough Act: Orson
Outstanding Contribution To Music: Oasis

In these days of climate change, we're all being urged to go green. But it seems crazy Chinese officials might have taken the instruction a bit too literally.

When quarrying stopped at Laoshu mountain in South-Western Fumin county, villagers were left with an eyesore.

Instead of letting nature take its course, however, the government decided to spray-paint the area a garish and decidely unnatural shade of green.

The makeover took seven workers a month, and cost an estimated £30,000.

No official explanation has been given, but locals are speculating that politicians were trying to change the area's feng shui.

Others suggest they were trying to counter accusations that the quarry had damaged the environment.

Look I found whilst browsing the web:

Hi,


I have conducted a very interesting experiment

I took pictures of a very good looking guy and responded to 50 ads of girls seeking men. You know all this crap that girls usually come up with about finding Mr Right(gorgeous, emotionally and financially stable,romantic, caring, physically fit and so forth .... as if all the girls were fit and all the above themselves!)

Results:

Received 30 replies. Amongst the 30 responses - 25 were favorable 5 were 'no thanks' type of emails.

22 of 25 potential dates DIDNT send any pictures back to me !

Frequently Asked Questions:

Asked about the job I was doing
What position I had in the company
Asked me to tell them more about myself
Asked if I had my own home or flat
Asked about my exact height
Asked to receive more pictures
Asked when did I split up with my ex
Didnt ask any questions and wrote a book about their life.


Conclusion: Dont assume that you will automatically receive a picture and be aware that girls are very keen on finding out about your personal finances in order to find out how far they could go with you I.e Milking you

My advice is to ask to see their pic when getting a response. If you dont get any, it only means that it is a fake ad or a bitchy girl who is fucking around with you. And if you do get a date ... try to meet week days for a coffee ..its low key - and cheap. CAUTION: Avoid meeting at lunch or dinner times as you will end up picking up the £45 bill to be polite. Girls usually put a ad up when bored and only to be taken out and be treated (fucking bitches).


All the best and good luck

Asher Lane - New Days

Examination Answers

Click images to enlarge. They're good!

The Killers - When You Were Young

Spider Bite

For all those who love Maltesers

Idiot of the Week

Blow out the flame on the shot before you drink it, IDIOT!!!

Just Who Was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:
1) He called everyone 'brother' . 2) He liked Gospel. 3) He
couldn't get a fair trial.
> >
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
1)He went into His Father's business. 2) He lived at home until he
was 33. 3) He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure
he was a God.

But then there were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been
Italian.
1) He talked with his hands 2) He had wine with every meal 3) He
used olive oil.
> >
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have
been a Californian. 1) He never cut his hair 2) He walked around
barefoot all the time 3) He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have
been Irish. 1) He never got married 2) He was always telling stories
3) He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus could
have been a woman. 1) He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there
was no food 2) He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it 3) And even when he was dead, He had to get
up because there was more work to do.

Spanish lesson

A SPANISH teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine:"la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, " What gender is 'computer' ?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a
masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender
("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer,
you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Company-speak

I think I posted some of these before. Oh well, read it again ya mouse potato! lol

Some essential new vocabulary for your company-speak database...

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it to work again

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an
email by mistake).

18. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm.

Laddism Studies

GCE `A' Level Examination Paper

LADDISM STUDIES

Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions.

If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.

You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday.

After one hour, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads.

Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question.

At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump.

Male candidates: Try to avoid becoming distracted by mentally undressing the female candidate in front of you, and wondering whether she likes it from behind.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:
a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight
b) what you'd do with them in the baths afterwards

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend.
a) Sex Boat
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
e) Swedish Erotica Part VI

5. Women drivers, eh?
Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart.
What apparatus would you require?
What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits?

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grandpa who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari F355 without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

END OF PAPER

Breasts

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breast

(*)(*) perky breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

Click to enlarge

NEWS FLASH!!!

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!
____

The Number 23 Trailer

I can't believe there's a film about guy obsessed with the number 23. Anyway enjoy!

Smooch Booth

Get your arse down to Soho NOW!

Keep your hands to yourself and no tongues! This is about kissing the civilised way.

A 'Smooch Booth' is doing the rounds this Valentine's Day teaching people to pucker-up Victorian-style.

For one day only, a 'kissing parlour' is being set up by gin producers Hendricks to woo singletons around the streets of London's Soho.

'Attendants' in Victorian costume will shower passers-by with love verse, poetry and song, and upon request provide an intimate embrace, a brush of a cheek, a glide of a glove or a old fashioned movie-screen kiss from the deep within the Smooch Booth.

However, those experiencing this retro lesson in the art of kissing must observe the 'rules of engagement':

1. No tongues please - this is a civilized kissing booth.
2. Keep your hands to yourself - we've only just met!
3. For heaven's sake, it's just a kiss! Please don't ask us out afterwards.
4. Kissing is not a cure for hiccups! Perhaps you should come back later.
5. If you want to nibble, we suggest a cucumber!

The booth itself is a wildly sumptuous red-velvet strewn sedan-style-chair hosted by a extravagantly dressed lady or gentleman.

The organisers have billed the event as the 'perfect Valentine's fix for those experiencing a love malaise or simply in need of more attention'.

Designer Julien Macdonald has declared war on animal lovers protesting against his use of fur in London Fashion Week.

Some onlookers were shocked to see his autumn collection relied heavily on different types of fur - even to create an entire dress.

But he remained unrepentant, saying: "People who don't like fur can piss off. I love fur. It's a beautiful natural product from animals."

Tut, someone should skin that fag and get a model to wear him. It's sickening that an animal had to die in order to be paraded on a "size zero" model's back.

A new watch-like device predicts a woman's most fertile time of the month. 'For women, knowing the days before ovulation not only lowers stress levels, but it increases her chances of getting pregnant,' say developers Health Watch Systems.

Bleep bleep bleep. *Finds the nearest man and tells him to shag me now!* lol

Naps Are Good

Taking afternoon naps could dramatically cut your risk of dying from heart disease, say researchers.

A regular siesta reduces the chances of heart-related death by one-third among all adults, they found. Workers get an even greater benefit, with a two-thirds reduction in risk.

The researchers from Harvard School of Public Health in the U.S. and the University of Athens Medical School in Greece claim napping may improve health by releasing stress, which is a known trigger for heart problems.

Their study - published today in the journal Archives of Internal Medicine - involved almost 24,000 Greek men and women aged 20 to 86.

Systematic nappers - defined as those who took a siesta for 30 minutes or more at least three times a week - had a 37 per cent lower risk of heart-related death.

Among working men those who took midday naps, either occasionally or systematically, had a 64 per cent lower risk of death from heart disease. This compared with non-working men taking naps who had a 36 per cent reduction in risk.

Figures for working women were unavailable as only six died during the study. Because the study found working men got the greatest benefit from regular naps the researchers concluded a reduction in stress in general, and job-related stress in particular, was probably responsible.

Professor Jim Horne, director of the Sleep Research Centre at Loughborough University, said Greece had a culture of taking siestas which might mean the findings were not necessarily applicable in countries such as the UK.

He said: 'We have to be careful about interpreting the results. Generally speaking, if people need to take a lengthy sleep during the day it's because they are not getting enough sleep at night.

'It's questionable whether employers, for example, should be providing the facilities for workers to sleep at work simply because they are not ensuring they get sufficient sleep in their own time. I don't think they should.'

Professor Horne, author of the book Sleepfaring: A Journey through the Science of Sleep, said 15-minute naps were a good idea, however. (15-minute naps? It takes me a minimum of 30 minutes just to get to sleep!)

'The power nap can be very refreshing and much better for you than longer naps,' he added.

Wet Wet Wet - Love is all around

Well, it is V-day, so I suppose I should post a sloppy love song.
Come on my divas, let's sing it together "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes" LOL

TO Ann Jordan and her family, it was simply a kind gesture from a fellow passenger who wanted to help resolve a problem.

But instead of allowing one of her two young children to sit on the lap of another traveller during take-off and landing, the airline marched her off the plane.

The reason given by easyJet had nothing to do with safety on board the short-haul flight.

It was made, it was explained, because of child protection fears.

And even though Mrs Jordan was sitting next to the woman passenger who had offered to look after her three-month-old son, Kaleb, she was told it was too much of a risk.

Rather than the airline finding an alternative, the 35-year-old mother of two was hauled off the plane in tears and told to find a suitable booster seat before she could fly home.

"It was insulting, not just to me but to the passenger who wanted to help," she said. "I was absolutely disgusted. It's political correctness gone mad.

"I was in tears when they took me off the plane. I felt absolutely humiliated."

Oh shut the fuck up you stupid bitch! If that "nice lady" started fingering your child while you weren't looking, you'd be looking to sue. And who would you sue? The fucking airline! In this day and age, you don't allow your child to sit on a stranger's lap, full stop!

FIRST aiders are getting new “fat” dummies to train with — as Britain’s obesity crisis worsens.

The 46in-waist model — called Fat Fred — is being sold to the NHS, emergency services and first aid groups to teach how to resuscitate tubbies.

First aid tutor Steve Perry, of Whitwick, Leics, said Fred would help save lives as he was more realistic than the traditional dummy — 33in-waisted Slim Jim.

Steve added: “In mouth-to-mouth you have to give Fred harder breaths to get the chest to rise correctly. And you need to push down a lot more because of the extra padding around his torso.

A DEBT-ridden NHS Trust wants SECRETARIES to weigh babies instead of midwives, to save cash.

Health workers’ union Amicus has blasted the “frightening” move — saying it could put tots’ health at risk.

Why stop there? They might as well just get the maintenance man to start jiggling women's tits for possible lumps. They'd certainly enjoy that. lol

If you hate Ken Livingstone, check THIS advert.

Don't forget. Brit Awards will be shown LIVE at 8pm this evening. Live? Are they crazy?!

A POLICE CCTV operator has been carpeted — after security camera footage showed close-ups of the boobs and backside of a woman in the street.

Shocked detectives found a 20-minute sequence of saucy footage while checking the film during a probe into an assault.

The screen was filled by shots of a scantily clad woman’s breasts, bum and legs as she was “followed” by cameras in Worcester.

I knew those CCTV operators were pervs. I'm gonna have to conceal my boobies and arse from now on. lol

QUEEN Cleopatra — considered one of history’s babes — was really a minger, experts have found.

A 2,000-year-old coin depicting the Egyptian queen shows she had a pointed nose and prominent chin.

Her lover, the Roman general Mark Anthony, is also pictured.

D'oh! I recently came across an ISA statement which said I had £3500. Whooo hooo! So I quickly e-mailed the bank telling them to transfer some money to my current account.
I got a letter today saying that I had closed the account in September 2005 and the money was transferred to my current account.
Oops! lol

Always trying to cop a feel!
LOL She doesn't seem to mind though.

The Russian military is reported to be investigating claims that army conscripts were forced to work as male prostitutes in St Petersburg.

The command of the interior ministry unit denied the claims made by the Soldiers' Mothers human rights group.

Last year, an 18-year-old soldier was so badly beaten that he had to have his legs and genitals amputated.

A spokeswoman for the Soldiers' Mothers, Ella Polyakova, told the BBC that in St Petersburg there was "a network of clients" who would pay for sex with soldiers.

Older servicemen are said to have forced younger conscripts into prostitution and then taken the money for themselves.

Brutality

The Sychev bullying case drew worldwide attention to Russian army abuses.

Private Andrei Sychev was forced to squat for several hours by fellow soldiers and then tied to a chair and brutally beaten up last year.

As a result he developed gangrene in his legs and genitals, which had to be amputated.

Now permanently disabled, Pte Sychev has just announced that he is to write a book about his ordeal.

Owww, it's terrible about the amputation etc. But...mmmmm sexy Russian soldier whores on the streets of St. Petersburg....

Marks and Spencer has said it is mystified by a claim by MEP Robert Kilroy-Silk that it uses "distorting" mirrors in its changing rooms.

Mr Kilroy-Silk has accused the store of misleading women with mirrors that make them look slimmer in its clothes.

He made the allegation in a written question in the European Parliament.

An M&S spokesman said: "Our mirrors are perfectly normal, standard mirrors. We are at a loss as to what he might be referring to."

I think Kilroy is talking shite (again). When I was in M&S the other week, I took off my t-shirt and thought: "Fuck! Am I really that fat?" Oh, and M&S sizes are all wrong. I should easily be able to fit into a pair of 34w trousers but when I put it on, I just about managed to squeeze into it. Tut, I ended up having to buy a 36w pair. I grumbled home thinking I need to begin a starvation diet....

Travis - Sing

Love the food fight!

We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee?

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

What PMS Means

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

PMS Light Bulb Joke

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

Alternate Guinness Book of Records... Women

Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Roper Street, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB), at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51min 38sec by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards the Lake District.

Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night-club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (GB) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other female members of the party. Moving en masse, the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Celebrity Film photographer Jasin Boland, 41, had the house wrapped in 465sq m of paper covered in 1.5mwide hearts, with a 23m pink ribbon on top, for bride-to-be Maria Moral Peña.

He even flew German-born Maria, 29, home by helicopter yesterday to see the luxury four-bedroom Gloucestershire house.

Maria said: "When I saw the house, I thought it was a construction area. Then I saw the hearts and was completely overwhelmed. He's just so cute."

But, despite forking out half a million on the gift, Mr Boland said you do not need to flash the cash to be romantic.

He added: "The secret of romance isn't big gestures – it is being in love. If you're trying to give a romantic gift – you just need a big bow."

Awww how sweet.............lucky bitch!

Controversial television series Wife Swap is looking for their first same-sex family to take part in the eighth series.Gay or lesbian couples who want to get involved in the upcoming UK series must live together and must have children in the home.

For more information, call Angela on 0207 013 4572 or email angela.arora@rdfmedia.com

Gillian McKeith, the celebrity scat-whore, has agreed to drop the title Dr from her company's advertising following a complaint to the industry watchdog.

She has attracted controversy over the use of the title, which is not a medical qualification.

The presenter of the Channel 4 programme You Are What You Eat has made millions from book and health food spin-offs in which she has been described as Dr McKeith.

The Advertising Standards Authority received a complaint asking whether the nutritionist was a qualified and accredited doctor and therefore entitled to use the title.

After the ASA came to the provisional conclusion that the title was likely to mislead the public, McKeith Research said it would stop using it in advertising for future products.

Previously the nutritionist had argued that she had a right to call to call herself a doctor after completing a distance-learning PhD in holistic nutrition from the American Holistic College of Nutrition.

Sounds like a qualification not worth the paper it's written on!

A pick-up line you can use on Valentine's Day:

Do you have a mirror in your panties? Because I can see myself in them.

Nasty! lol

To All You Fashion-Conscious Queens

FASHION house Prada has launched its own mobile phone.

The Italian designer will sell the handsets — c