I love the song "Waking up in Vegas" by Katy Perry. Check out her MySpace site.

This is the 2nd sailor who was paraded on Iranian TV criticising the West’s involvement in the Middle East.

Royal Navy Operator Mech­anic Nathan Summers, 21, was seen apologising to the Iranian people for “trespassing” into their waters illegally.

Ooh he's cute! I plea to the Iranians not to cause him any harm. If you wish, you can take humiliating pics/videos of him in his panties, or preferably parade his naked ass on live television.


Oh calm down I'm only joking!

WHAT do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

FIRST man: “I’m going to the doctor – I don’t like the look of my wife.” Second man: “I’ll come with you. I hate the sight of mine too.”

Obviously very cute, but he just isn't getting my panties wet! lol

Enjoy!

Controversy is brewing over a sculpture due to be exhibited at an art gallery in a New York hotel, which depicts a naked crucified Jesus Christ made out of milk chocolate.
The sculpture is entitled 'My Sweet Lord.'

LMAO!!! That's so blasphemous! I'm outraged! Oooh his willy looks like dark chocolate. Yum!

Shag me! I may be 89, but I sure am bendy!

When it comes to stretching, supersupple octogenarian Marjorie Bradbury puts most young people to shame.
Like many great-grandmothers, the 89- year-old bends over backwards for her family – but only after doing the splits, a shoulder stand and putting her leg behind her head first.

'Sooner or later something's going to go, but I have to keep going as long as I can. And I really enjoy it.'

Eww I don't wanna be around when something snaps whilst she bends.

AN Army corporal posed as a padre to win the trust of soldiers and sexually abuse them, a court martial heard.
Gordon MacGlashan, 45, of the Royal Logistics Corps, even claimed he had been a major in the TA and wore the insignia of an Army chaplain.
A military court in Osnabrück, Germany, heard MacGlashan attacked one 18-year-old soldier, referred to as private A, after meeting him in Iraq. He plied the private with drinks at a bar at Basra airbase.
Private A told the court that he fell asleep and awoke to find MacGlashan’s hand down his trousers. He said: “I felt sick because I’m not gay.”
Seven months earlier MacGlashan had been accused of sexually assaulting a 22-year-old, private B.
MacGlashan met him in a NAAFI bar in Germany and took him back to his room where they drank booze and watched straight porn.
Private B said he later awoke to find the corporal naked on top of him and had to fight him off.

Oooooh I'm mildly aroused....

COR SLIMEY! This Giant African Land Snail shell has no problem living up to its name. Don't let this thing anywhere near your bush!

LMAO I was sitting on the bus this morning and couldn't stop giggling after reading the 60 second interview in the Metro paper with Chris Benoit, a Canadian wrestler. One of the questions asked was: "An American high school wrestler has been convicted for sticking his finger up his opponents' bums while wrestling. Is this a common practice?"

He replied: WHAT? I've never, ever heard of that happening and it hasn't happened to me. That has nothing to do with professional wrestling. If something like that were to happen in the circle of people I work with, the person who did it wouldn't be around too long."

Hahaha

Mmmm.

Anyone interested in this fantastic opportunity?

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or Pool Attendant / Bellhop / Concierge / Hotel Front Desk.

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starting April 5th, May 1st, June 1st, or July 1st
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visit www.booboobeach.com.

Closing Date for Applications: April 30th, 2007.

Eeek. This guy want to do rude things to me.

*Gets scared*

You may have read in the news today that patients are buying an experimental cancer drug over the internet.

The drug, called DCA, has been shown to shrink tumours in rats but tests on humans are years away.

However Nature magazine reports some terminally ill patients are taking the drug because they do not want to wait for the research.

UK cancer experts warned patients there was no evidence DCA was beneficial, and said it could cause harm.

One thing the media doesn't say is that DCA is so fookin' cheap that there's no incentive for the big pharmaceutical companies to carry out extensive testing on animals/humans . Why bother spending vast amounts of money on a drug that the company will have no exclusivity over?

I say: take the DCA. You're dying, so you've got nothing to lose!

James Denton aka Mike from Desperate Housewives in a forthcoming episode.

*Slurps*

Erm, has he got a gay floppy wrist or summat?

Cutey Knut mauls Panda

Ooh...there must've been fluff everywhere!

Berlin Zoo is having to frantically deny reports that Cuddly Knut, its adorable yet controversial polar bear cub, was indirectly responsible for the death of its panda Yan Yan.

The worldwide media attention that Knut got when he made his fluffy debut has drawn huge crowds to the zoo to witness the 3½-month-old cub do its thing – which top-selling newspaper Bild claims caused Yan Yan so much stress that she died.

Yan Yan, who was a gift from the Chinese government to former Chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1995, was found dead in her cage on Monday at the age of 22.

Bild speculates that the 30,000 visitors who have turned up each day to ogle Knut may have mortally freaked her out when, after they couldn't get close enough to the polar bear, decided to go check out the pandas instead.

A mother has withdrawn her son from school because he is allowed to drink only water.

Angela Cowton says five-year-old Owen will not touch water without a splash of cordial, so she is educating him privately to stop him dehydrating.

Pickering Infant School in Pickering, North Yorkshire, has banned all other drinks for health reasons.

Mrs Cowton, 35, said: 'Even though I am his mother, I cannot force him to like something.'

Silly whore. Why does he only like sweet drinks? It's because she's gotten him used to it from a young age. Argh how stupid can you get for removing a child from school just because they won't let the kids drink sugary beverages? Bitch needs to keep him in school and say: "fine- if you don't wanna drink water, you're not getting anything else." As soon as the little shit sees other kids drinking water, he'll soon conform. Man, I'd make such a good parent. Anyone wanna be a surrogate? lol

This is why you don't piss off your girlfriend/wife!

A woman in America has been charged with assault and trespass after allegedly biting her boyfriend on the genitals while he slept.

According to authorities, 25-year-old Amanda Rall broke into her boyfriend's house while he was asleep on March 22. She then administered a bite to what reports describe as 'his private area.'

This is the new female gorilla at a new enclosure at London Zoo. The enclosure was oficially opened by HRH Duke of Edinburgh.

She wanna sucky sucky.

They killed queenie!

CONTROVERSIAL cartoon show South Park has reached its sickest point yet - by showing the Queen blowing her own brains out with a handgun.

In the forthcoming show, the Queen is shown spearheading a mission for Britain to reclaim the US as one of it's territories.

When the plan goes wrong, the Queen kills herself rather than face the consequences.

I'll post this as soon as I find it!

Easter is cancelled!

How to tell you have stinky feet.

Are you tired of those sissy-ass 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship....

1, When you are sad... I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard/ bitch who made you sad.

2, When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3, When you smile...I will know you finally got laid.

4, When you are scared... I will remind you about it every chance I get.

5, When you are worried.... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit Whining.

6, When you are confused... I will use little words.

7, When you are sick... Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8, When you fall...I will laugh and point at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth...

Fanny Poem

This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman's legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!

____

A guy went into the doctor's surgery and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was prescribed some suppositories and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once he got back to his house it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the suppository into his ass.

He screamed and his wife said "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

_____

Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

___

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What's the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the Muslim one blows herself up!"

(Apologies if you were offended!)

___

3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ?

None! They're all stuck-up cunts.

___

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..............

Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

A SCOTTISH company was condemned today for inviting customers to “send a poo” to an Englishman on St George’s Day.

Edinburgh-based firm PostaPoo.com is selling plastic “realistic poo” to send to “your favourite (or least favourite) Englishman” to mark April 23.

Customers are given the choice between human or dog-style excrement, wrapped in tissue paper along with a personal message set beside the English flag.

But members of the English Democrats Party, which is campaigning for an English Parliament, questioned the stunt’s legality today.

Robin Tilbrook, the party’s national chairman, said: “The company’s website says they will not send this so-called ‘practical joke’ if the message is deemed threatening, racist, homophobic, or displays religious bigotry.

“It appears to me to be threatening, possibly racist and without question bigoted. It’s certainly offensive and possibly an offence.”
It sure is, and that's why I love it! Send your poo sample, preferably with sweetcorn embedded in it.

Drats. The website doesn't seem to work. I hope it hasn't been taken down due to complaints made by offended Englishmen!

RELIGIOUS BOYFRIEND

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,

"Hello,
Could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out

He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,

"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."

A minute later, the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness.

"Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down".

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others are.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,

"I didn't know you were SO RELIGIOUS!.."

The boy replies, "I didn't know YOUR DAD IS A PHARMACIST!!

BECOMING A MAN- TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be
interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a
real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things

for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:

MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re
Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:

SE#X 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SE#X 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SE#X 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down
(Elective) (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are
Important
Spring Schedule:

MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
1 MENtal Illness
2 MENstrual cramps
3 MENtal breakdown
4 MENopause
5 GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?
Send this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up
their day!!…. and when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy

Is this the future?

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

Kelly Rowland- Like This

The Simpsons Evolution Intro

This is cool!

Spiderman 1 and 2 (re-enacted by bunnies!)

The obese whore that is Beth Ditto is moaning again, saying that she hates Madge's H&M range: "There's nothing in there for me at all in my size".

Well d'uh! I don't think Madge had a 20 stone troll in mind when designing her classy, yet cheap, outfits. lol

A lawyer preparing to lecture at a seminar sent organisers a biography describing himself as a "complete wanker".
David Corker was due to deliver a speech to the London Criminal Courts Solicitors' Association. The biography started off gently enough, describing Mr Corker's fine qualities and saying he was "a business-crime legend" who had a "pedigree which stands out by itself". Unfortunately the leaflet then abruptly changed tack, adding: "Colleagues have described him as a complete wanker". Haha most of 'em are!

This alcoholic Anna Mayers who fell off a garage roof after a night's partying is suing her landlords over the injuries she sustained saying that they should have warned her not to dance on the roof after drinking.
Oh for fuck's sake! Listen, you stupid bint, don't blame others for your reckless behaviour! The bitch used a window to get onto the roof of a garage (which isn't even part of the property she was renting) attached to her flat. Grrr these people piss me off.

Today, I woke up early as usual.
When I was going downstairs to have breakfast, I slipped and got a big whack on my head.

To calm me down, my wife poured me a nice big cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too damn hot.

Then, I put a slice of bread in the toaster,
and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that knocked me on my ass.

Shortly after that, the telephone rang.
It was the office calling to tell me that last night the safe was broken into,
and everything was taken.

I decided right then and there this might be a good time to take a nice hot shower,
and meditate to bring down my stress and help me to relax.

And.......
That's when it happened.. ........

OUCH!

So this is the slut that is rumoured to be Prince Harry's bit on the side but insisted that he only had eyes for girlfriend Chelsy Davy.
TV presenter Natalie Pinkham spoke to The Sun about their eight-year friendship after Harry, 22, was seen with her at London’s trendy Boujis nightclub.
Natalie, 28, said: “There is only one girl in Harry’s life and that is Chelsy.”

Why pose like a whore for The Sun? I love how whenever women air their views in tabloids they end up posing in their knickers!

Cute guy, but this is what his profile says:

Dumb, pretty and easily pleased.

Oh yeah, and over-excitable.

I am:

1) In a very happy long-term relationship
2) Into weightlifting/training
3) Self-obssessed (in a bad way)
4) Very needy
5) Shy
6) Did I say self-obssessed?
7) Dull
8) In need of loads of compliments to stave off my BDD
9) Not a cock
10) A twat sometimes, though
11) Into Sci-Fi (yeah yeah, go fuck yourselves)
12) Kind, respectful and approachable
13) Weak
14) Not a mind-game player
15) An exhibitionist who loves to show his private photos! (Also have the odd video or two....)
16) Into working out in a BIG way
17) An exhibitionist

Cam shows - love to be an exhibitionist (see 17) so please ask about seeing me on cam, I go all the way..... ;-)

*Cough*. Me no likey needy self-obsessed people. Not many other people would like that either.

Kim Wilde - If I Can't Have You

Michelle Branch- You Set Me Free

Sorry, there's no official music video for the song, but this video is all about sexy Jack from "Lost" and some chick.

TURKS living in Germany are taking a course in making doner kebabs to change the fast-food's image as food for drunks.

Hope this perks up your day!

I'm back from Sainsbury's. Just bought 3 Easter eggs! Yay! I'm gonna be such a piggy this Easter. It was 3 for £3.75, but had I bought 'em a few weeks earlier, they'd have been sold at 3 for £3! Nevermind. Have you got any eggs? Apart from the ones in your ovaries?

America's creme de la creme.

The merry go round of success

At age 4, success is.......................not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is.....................having friends.
At age 20, success is.....................having sex.
At age 35, success is.....................making money.
At age 60, success is.....................having sex.
At age 70, success is.....................having friends.
At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants.

Social Security

A young South-East London girl went down to the Social Security office to get her family allowance.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten." she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," she answered.

"They're all named Wayne?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'Wayne, come and eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

What guys are really thinking

What guys are really thinking?

Add to My Profile | More Videos

This is funny!

Well you know the story about Knut, the 15-week-old baby Polar Bear at the centre of a debate over whether he should live or die. Well he emerged blinking into the great outdoors at Berlin Zoo the other day.

He is soooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!

You have to watch the video!

LMAO is this the camp Indian whore on American Idol that Kpy has been telling me about?

*Holds head in shame* hehe

A DEPRESSED dad hanged himself live on the web as some of the 50 people watching egged him on.

Divorced heavy drinker Kevin Whitrick, 42, broadcast his threat on chat site Paltalk two hours before he went ahead.

Then he set up a webcam, climbed on a chair, smashed a hole in a ceiling, tied a rope around a joist and his neck — and stepped off. Some thought it was a hoax until his face went blue.

He is the first Briton to kill himself live on the web. In 2003, chatroom users goaded American Brandon Vedas, 21, into taking a drug overdose at home in Phoenix, Arizona.

That is disturbing! Shame on you bitches for egging him on!

Michael and his nephew. What a sick picture! Do I see a hint of pube? lol

Grunting Turtle

This turtle is horrrrrrrrny!

Crowded House- Better Be Home Soon

Are you a sad, pathetic single man?

The BBC are looking for people to take part in the new 'What Not To Wear' TV series.

They are looking for single men, from all walks of life, who think that they would benefit from a makeover and new wardrobe to add to their dating success.

So, if you would like the help of the 'What Not To Wear' team and are happy to filmed for TV, you can apply, or nominate a friend, by filling in an application form. Click HERE!

Good luck!

Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Panels

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top_15_unintent.html

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Penguin chat. It's a chatroom where all the chatters are cute penguins! My penguin is called "pinkbits" but when I used it, everyone was running away from me! :~(

Quotes about sex

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.' Jackie Onassis, First Lady.

'Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.' Woody Allen, film director.

'Surely this sex business isn't worth all this damned fuss? I've met only a handful of people who've cared a biscuit for it.' T. E. Lawrence, soldier and writer.

'Now the whole dizzying and delirious range of sexual possibilities has been boiled down to that one big, boring, bulimic word. RELATIONSHIP.' Julie Burchill, writer.

'Sex has never been an obsession with me. It's just like eating a bag of crisps. Quite nice, but nothing marvellous.' Boy George, pop star.

'I know nothing about sex because I was always married.' Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress.
'Sex is emotion in motion.' Mae West, actress.

'Love is just a system for getting someone to call you darling after sex.' Julian Barnes, novelist.

'Sex should be as simple and unimportant as drinking a glass of water.' V. I. Lenin, Soviet leader.
'You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. Steve Martin, actor.

'Nobody dies from lack of sex. It's lack of love we die from.' Margaret Atwood, novelist.

'I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.' Bernard Manning, comedian.

'Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.' Andy Warhol, artist.

'Sex is God's joke on human beings.' Bette Davis, actress.

'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.' Billy Crystal, actor.

'Some men spend a lifetime in an attempt to comprehend the complexities of women. Others pre-occupy themselves with somewhat simpler tasks, such as understanding the theory of relativity.' Albert Einstein, scientist.

'Sex is two minutes of squelching.' John Lydon, lead singer of the Sex Pistols.

'Sex relieves tension - love causes it.' Woody Allen.

'Making love surely resembles having an epileptic fit at least as much as, if not more than, it does eating a meal or conversing with someone.' Susan Sontag, writer.

'A bachelor has to have inspiration for making love to a woman, a married man needs only an excuse.' Helen Rowland, English-American writer.

'Sex is hardly ever just about sex.' Shirley MacLaine, actress.

'Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.' Anais Nin, writer.

'When you don't have money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health.' J. P. Donleavy, novelist.

'According to a survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.' Robert de Niro, actor.

'There is nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.' Billy Joel, singer.

'Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th century.' Malcolm Muggeridge, broadcaster.

'My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the same value as technique in lovemaking. Heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal and so does heartless skill; but what you want is passionate virtuosity.' John Barth, American novelist.

'One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.' Jane Austen, author.

'If most men and women were forced to rely upon physical charm to attract lovers, their sexual lives would be not only meagre but in a youth-worshipping country like America, painfully brief.' Gore Vidal, author.

'What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh.' Henry Fielding, novelist.

'Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book.' Madonna, singer.

'Sex and taxes are in many ways the same. Tax does to cash what males do to genes. It dispenses assets among the population as a whole. Sex, not death, is the great leveller.' Steve Jones, geneticist.

'Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalise it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.' H. L. Mencken, American satirist.

'An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.' Edgar Wallace, crime writer.

'Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.' Jeff Foxworthy, American comedian.

'When people are fed and clothed, then they think about sex.' Confucius, Chinese philosopher.
'I find that making love is the best form of exercise.' Cary Grant, actor.

'Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation - the other eight are unimportant.' Henry Miller, author.

Gay police officers in the Philippines have been warned not to sway their hips while on duty – or risk losing their jobs.
Chief Supt Samuel Pagdilao said the force did not discriminate against homosexuals but would fire those who misbehaved.
'If they sway their hips while marching, or if they engage in lustful conduct, I think that will be a ground for separation. If they behave within the norm, I don't think we'll have a problem,' he added.

Swing those hips ya poofs!!! I bet they are lady boys by night!

Gordon Brown picking his nose

With a 2p income tax cut to consider, Gordon Brown was, perhaps not surprisingly, in a world of his own at times this week.
As Tony Blair gave a speech in the Commons, the Chancellor was busy excavating the inside of his nose ... repeatedly.

It's funny how Prescott is sitting there comatose, until Gordon eats his bogey.

Cemeteries in China are selling paper replicas of Viagra, which are to be burned for dead relatives so they can have sex in the afterlife, state media reported today.
According to the Nanjing Morning News, the paper Viagra is being snapped up by customers, along with images of condoms and heavily made-up bar girls, who are women employed by bars to act as companions to male customers and make them spend a lot of money.
The behaviour of customers is taking place ahead of the annual Tombsweeping Festival on 5 April.
People in China have traditionally burned fake money in honour of their dead relatives during the festival, when families clean their ancestors' tombs and graves. They believed that the money would go to their relatives in the afterlife.

However, as China moved towards a consumer-oriented society, people have been offering more luxury items such as paper televisions, cars and mobile phones.
A commentary from the Beijing Morning Post today tried to call for a crackdown on the 'vice' offerings, but they have conceded that efforts by authorities to halt the sales had been unsuccessful, due to high demand.

GAY couples receive gifts worth an average of £4,400 when they tie the knot — 4 times as much as straight couples, insurance firm’s survey finds.

That's 'cause we poofs have discerning tastes. We don't DO £4.99 toasters from Asda!

It was a case of saving a farmer's bacon.
Legal action against David Sunderland's prize pigs, which supposedly damaged protected trees by scratching them with their arses, has collapsed.
He was taken to court five times after a council claimed the animals ruined bark on the beech trees.
But the case was thrown out yesterday – leaving taxpayers with a £10,000 legal bill.
Mr Sunderland said: 'I thought it was a wind-up. Every animal needs to satisfy an itch and there is nothing you can do about it.'
The farce began when Bradford Council accused Mr Sunderland's pigs of dislodging the bark on 22 trees on his farm.
The trees have preservation orders which stop them from being deliberately damaged.
Mr Sunderland, a married father of four, was summoned to court on 22 counts of 'wilfully damaging trees' as a result of the conduct of his 80 free-roaming Saddleback pigs.
Five hearings and two tree experts later, the council eventually backed down.
I hope the council and farmer can compromise and encourage the pigs to scratch their backsides somewhere else
'These pigs are born, fed and bred in the traditional free-range way,' added Mr Sunderland.
'There's outcry at how factory farmed animals are treated yet, when we bring them up like this, we are getting punished. It's a warning to all farmers.'
Mr Sunderland has now put up fences to ensure the pigs are not tempted to rest against the forbidden trees. But if he's looking for an apology, he's not going to get a sausage.
The council said: 'There are many ways of damaging and destroying trees and it is a landowner's responsibility to take all necessary action – including protection from livestock damage.'
Councillor Anne Hawkesworth, responsible for environment and culture, added: 'I hope the council and farmer can compromise and encourage the pigs to scratch their backsides somewhere else.'

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG

1. You say 'mate' constantly
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day"
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
11. Zzzzzzz.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG

1. You have an urge to steal
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are
5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'
8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG

1. You say 'pish' all the time
2. You say 'aye' all the time
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish' 4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet
6. You punch everybody you meet
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG

1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds
2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.
3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water- and taking five hours to drink it.
4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
5. Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.
7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you got it from.
8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk and don't think anything of it.
9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you borrow the mini.
10. You hate students - even though you are one.
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good. 5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'holler "Bad touch!"

A dentist could be struck off over allegations that he routinely used surgical instruments to clean out his ears and fingernails before treating his unsuspecting patients.

Alan Hutchinson, 51, is also accused of urinating into the surgery sink, not wearing gloves while treating patients and failing to wash his hands between appointments.

The married father of three, whose son is also a dentist, is expected to face the General Dental Council next month to face a catalogue of charges.

Eww eww eww!!!

Some useful French phrases

French Pronunciation

Why bother

You're probably thinking to yourself "If I just want to be obnoxious to the French, why should I be bothered learning how to use their language properly? Surely mangling their language should serve as insult to injury."

It must be remembered that the French are used to hearing their language mangled. The English live just across the Channel, and now that they are both part of the European Union the English are busy going across there to buy cheap wine, and expounding in broken French on how the British saved the French in World War II. This is all of course rot, as we know it was the Australians who did all the work, and many visitors from this country arrive in France to tell people of this. Unfortunately, the Australian mouth is too lazy to open itself more than a couple of millimeters, let alone master some of the more tricky vowel sounds and nasals.

If this doesn't persuade you that there are hordes of people currently massacring the French language in Paris, one need only be reminded that the Americans are worse. I am not sure of the quality of French produced by non-Anglophones, but the Italians seem to fit in very well. There is an annual pilgrimage of dirty old men from Italy to Paris. If a female is pinched on the backside in Paris, it is most likely that it was done by a tourist, but still many women return complaining that the French are all perverts. Please note that most French perverts visit Scandinavia or Germany.

The point is that if you go to France with an awful accent, the French will just pretend that they can't understand you. Far better to have somebody's undivided attention when you tell them what a prat they are.

Greetings

"You've put on weight"

"Tu as grossi"
(tu ah gro - si)

"Haven't the police found you yet?"

"La police, ne t'a pas encore trouvé?"
(la po - lees ne ta pa zen - cor troo - vay)

General chit-chat

"Would you stop spitting on me while you're talking!"

"Voulez-vous cesser de me cracher dessus pendant que vous parlez!"
(voo - lay voo se - say de me cra - shay de - su pen - dan que voo parl - ay)

"Reality and you don't get on, do they?"

"Le réalité et toi, vous ne vous entendez pas, n'est-ce pas?"
(le ree - al - ee - tay eh twa voo ne voo zen - ten - day pah nes pah)

"You've got a face that would blow off manhole covers"

"T'as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d'egouts!"
(ta zoon tait a fair saw - teh leh plahk de - goo)

"Are you drunk?"

"Est-ce que vous êtes ivre?"
(es - ke voo zet eevr)

"You have a chive on your tooth."

"Vous avez de la ciboulette sur votre dent"
(voo za - vay de la see - boo - let ser votr den)

"You're a complete moron"

"Tu es completement debile"
(tu eh com - plet - e - men de - beel)

"You get on my nerves

"Tu me peles le jonc"
(tu me pel - e le zhonc)

"As a child, was your cradle rocked too close to the wall?"

"On t'a bercé trop près du mur?"
(on ta ber - say troa pray du mer)

"Idiot", "Fool", "Cretin", "Imbecile"

"Idiot", "Fou", "Cretin", "Imbecile"
(ee - dee - o, foo, cre - tin, Im - be - seel)

Helping Others

"What did your last slave die of?"

"De quoi est mort votre dernier esclave?"
(de kwa eh mor votr der - nee - er es - klahv)

"I'd help you, but I don't like you."

"Je vous aurais bien aide, mais je ne vous aime pas."
(zhe voo zaw - ray bien ai - de may zhe ne voo zaim - e pah)

"Do it yourself."

"Faites-le vous-même"
(fay - teh le voo mehm)

"Stop bothering me!"

"Parle à mon cul, ma tête est malade"
(parl a mon cul, ma teht eh ma - lahd)

Dealing with Parents of children

"My God your children are ugly!"

"Mon Dieu, que vos enfants sont laids"
(Mon dyer ke voe zen - fant son lay)

"Your children are very attractive. Are they adopted?"

"Vos enfants sont très beaux. Ils sont adoptes?"
(vo zen - fant son tray boh. Il sont a - dop - te)

"How much for the little girl?"

"Combien pour la fillette"
(com - byen poor la fill - et)

Eating Out

"How many of your customers have died?"

"Combien de vos clients sont morts?"
(com - byen de vo clee - ent sont moo - ree)

"This restaurant isn't as good as Mc.Donald's"

"Ce restaurant n'est pas aussi bon que le Mc.Donalds'
(se re - staw - ran neh pas o - si bon ke le mac don - alds)

"Did these fish die of radiation sickness?"

"Ces poissons, ils sont mort d'irradiation?"
(se pwu - son il sont mor di - ray - di - ay - shun)

"I think this wine has been drunk before."

"Je pense que ce vin a déjà ete bu"
(zhe pens ke se vin a day - zha e - te bu)

"For dessert, what would you suggest to get the taste of the main course out of my mouth?"

"Comme dessert, que me suggereriez-vous pour effacer le goût du plat de resistance de ma bouche?"
(com de - zert com - en ke me su - zhair - er - i - ay voo poor eff - ah - say le goo du pla de re - zi - stans de ma boosh)

Avez Vous Quelque Chose à Declarer (Do you have anything to declare)

"I like Spain better"

"Je préfére l'Espagne"
(zhe pre - fer les - pan - ya)

"Yes, I am hungry"(Obelix)

"Oui, J'ai faim"
(wi zhay fin)

"Only my genius"(Oscar Wilde)

"Juste mon genie"
(zhust mon zhay - nee)

"Long live Algeria"

"Vive l'Algerie"
(vee - ve lal - zhe - ree)

Visiting

"Whoever painted this place was blind"

"Quiconque a peint cette maison etait aveugle"
(ki - conk a peint set e - mai - zon e - tay a - veugl)

"What an austere house!"

"Quelle maison austere!"
(Kel may - son au - steer)

"It's a bit of a dive, but it has some nice mould."

"Ça fait un peu boui-boui, mais il y a de la jolie moisissure"
(sa fay un peu bwi bwi, may zil ya de la zho - lee mwa - see - syer)

"It could be quite nice if it were decorated with taste."

"Ça pourrait être joli si c'etait décoré avec goût"
(sa poo - ray etr zho - li si se - tay de - cor - ay avec gu)

Commenting on fashion

"You should sue your tailor"

"Vous devriez poursuivre votre tailleur en justice"
(voo de - vri - ay poor - sweevr votr tay - yer en zhu - stees)

"I think the dress is too small for you."

"Je pense que la robe est trop petite pour vous"
(zhe pens ke la roab eh troa pe - teet poor voo)

"Was it difficult to find a tie more obnoxious than you?"

"Est-ce difficile trouver une cravate plus odieuse que vous?"
(Es di - fi - seel troo - veh oon cra - vat ploo zoa - dee - euz ke voo)

Who is this "Grenouille" anyway?

"I have a frog in my bidet!"

"J'ai une grenouille dans mon bidet!"
(zhay en gre - noo - ee dan mon bee - day)

"Your frog has eaten my lunch"

"Votre grenouille a mangé mon dejeuner"
(Votr gre - noo - ee a man - zhay mon de - zheu - ner)

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! Itwill nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside,what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy??"The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.">

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

So feet really are the world's favourite turn-on. A recent study by the University of Bologna found that nearly half of the 5,000 people questioned had a penchant for toes, heels, boots and other footwear (yawn). How dull.
Had the researchers stumbled upon Splosh! studios in Hastings, Sussex, they might have got some rather more interesting responses.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, 'sploshing' is when a person gets sexual pleasure from being wet and messy. They are aroused when substances are rubbed or poured on to their bare skin or clothes. It can be done with food, mud, or even paint.
Having a Black Forest gateau rubbed in their face, followed by some rather messy sex, is likely to be a splosher's idea of heaven. Splosh! studios is owned by Bill Shipton, 51, who is also creator and editor of Splosh! fetish magazine.
For a fee of £25 per hour, he will film you and your partner (or a group) while you throw pies at each other and roll around in sticky syrup. You don't have to worry about the cleaning and you have a memento to keep forever.
Shipton says the biggest attraction to sploshing is, of course, the fun.'Sploshing puts humour back into sex – we've become terribly serious about it,' says Shipton. 'Although there's a humiliation aspect to it, there's no dominance or submission – it's tit for tat. If you rub a custard pie in my face, I'll rub it back in yours.'
Partners in grime
Shipton originally opened the studio because he had extra space in his office but is now struggling to cope with demand – and the raunchiness of his customers.
'We have lots of couples who book the studio as a birthday surprise for their partner,' he explains. 'Once we had six lesbians who wanted to have a messy party in a paddling pool. Soon, there were tongues everywhere. I wasn't quite sure when to nip off and leave them to it.
The film is meant to be a nice memory – we certainly don't advertise ourselves as a venue for sex. But if any form of spontaneous sexual activity does take place – as long as it's agreed by all – we won't stop it.'www.splosh.co.uk
Brace yourselves
Bink (his pseudonym) also has a fetish rarely mentioned in research studies: he is turned on by neck braces.
'The restriction that a neck brace imposes is very much a part of the attraction,' he says.
Ten years ago, he set up the Neck Brace Appreciation Society, which has 15,000 members (85 per cent male). Bink says there are many types of braces that get him going.
'I prefer a CTLSO brace [a chin-to-hips body brace] and the SOMI, which is a metal neck brace that extends down on to the torso. But many of our members prefer a simple soft collar.'
In Bink's world, you are either a bracer (you model the brace) or you are a looker (you watch the person parading around in it). It's mainly for viewing pleasure – but a few have sex while actually wearing one.
A honk and bonk
And if you think you've heard it all, think again. Clowning, a fetish which refers to people who are sexually aroused by either seeing a clown, dressing up as a clown or behaving like a clown, has recently been rearing its red, honking nose on porn websites.
Bridgett Harrington is a female clowner who performs a kinky sex show while dressed as a clown called Sherbet at fetish balls.
'It's fun and silly.Putting on Sherbet's white face takes time, so I can let go of my day's stresses. I enjoy absurd sexuality – have you ever had the desire to put random things in your bits or be gagged with a banana?
'I enjoy going to fetish events or swinger parties because clowns are above social taboos. Gay men ask to squeeze my breasts and, when they do, I honk and they look at each other knowingly and laugh. People can let their hair down around me.'
But Bridgett's clowning isn't always understood by the public. 'When I dress up with my clowning friends and go out on the town, we wear sexy, skimpy outfits. As a result, lots of people have verbally bashed Sherbet – it's sad.'

Those crazy Japs again...

Japan's sex industry relies on innovation, so much so, that a company has come up with a penis mud pack which has been adapted from the facial, according to a Japanese magazine.

The service is part of an Italian-style treatment, which involves a soothing wine bath for the balls being followed by the mud pack, and it's offered by a Tokyo-based service called The Aromani.

For the service, a sink is filled warm water and wine as these will supposedly improve circulation.
Instead of the customer putting his face into the basin, he needs to sit in the sink, allowing his penis and ass to soak.
The washing is performed by at least one woman, who's in her 20s, or 30s at the oldest.
Once the sink soak is complete, the genitals are covered with mud and massaged, which is supposed to cleanse the skin. So basically, it's a whore house. I wonder if they have any vacancies? lol

They might not have legs, but do they have the balls?

A film which follows a group of disabled men determined to become strippers is set to make its small screen debut next week.
The documentary, entitled 'The Crippendales', follows disabled man Lee Kemp as he gathers together a group of men with varied disabilities, finds a choreographer and gets them to the stage for the big strip.
The Crippendales will be shown on Channel Four at 11.40pm on Tuesday, March 27.

GREAT news - Tarantino is back this summer, with his brand new flick, Grindhouse.
The film is a double bill, featuring Tarantino's Death Proof, and Planet Terror directed by his buddy Robert Rodriguez (the director of Desperado and Sin City).
A homage to classic 70s blood-and-guts-tastic B movies, the two titles aren't short of a ton of gore and dubious sexual content.
So much so that the scissor-happy censors in the US are supposedly having a field day.
Amongst the pick of the dodgiest scenes are a topless lovely having her blood drained by a gang of equally topless nazis, a girl enjoying a rather unmentionable trouser act with a headless corpse, and a cheeky minx on a trampoline protecting her modesty like Britney clambering out of a limo legs akimbo.

Some hot guys

Scott Maslen

Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End trailer

Zexxxxxxy!

Natasha Bedingfield

"I wanna have your babies" (acoustic)

"Chasing Cars" (Snowpatrol cover)

Q. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
A. They don't have enough time.

Q. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A. They won't stop to ask directions.

Q. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A. Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they
vapour-lock. (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

Q. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

Q. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A. You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Q. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
A. Don't know....it's never happened. (C'mon guys, we laugh at your
blonde jokes!)

And the personal favourite:
Q. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

A prison guard grew tired of an inmate's sexual advances so he gave in and had sex with her, 'so she would leave him alone', according to state agents in Miami.
The agents had no sympathy for Gustavo Coronado, who worked as a guard at Homestead Correctional Institution, and he was arrested.

A teenager was reported to the police for allegedly having sex with a dog in a friend's bathroom in Sweden.
The teenager is said to have taken the dog, a mongrel bitch, into his bathroom where he sexually attacked it, according to reports from Swedish newspaper, Folkbladet.
The animal's owner heard the dog howling (with pleasure?) and checked where the sound was coming from.
He claims that when he opened the bathroom door, he discovered his friend having sex with the dog.
The friend allegedly continued the sexual attack while the dog's owner turned a blind eye. He said that he was too scared to intervene as his friend was bigger and stronger than him.
Local police are currently investigating the allegations and they are considering charges of animal cruelty, as Swedish law doesn't ban sex with animals.

A hot cross bun passed down several generations of one family could be the oldest in the world.
And, despite being 186 years old, it has not gone mouldy.
Owner Nancy Titman, 88, of Deeping St James, Lincolnshire, said: 'It's rock hard and the currants have gone but you can tell it's a hot cross bun.'

I can understand people passing down jewellery, rare and not-so-rare artefacts etc which have sentimental value, but a fucking hot cross bun?!!

Who wants my filthy panties when I pass over to the other side?

Bubble wrap fetish?

Get popping!

THIS site is for bubble wrap-mad people!



You can resist the biscuits being handed round the office.
You can put your hand over your glass and say 'no' to more wine.
But there's one thing that even the most self-controlled person can't stop themselves doing – popping Bubble Wrap.
The plastic material, which is celebrating its 50th birthday this year, is the only kind of packaging that's as popular for relieving stress as it is for protecting post.
The Bubble Wrap story began completely by accident in 1957.
Two US engineers, Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes, were trying to make a textured wallpaper with an easy-to-use paper backing.
But they soon realised they had a bigger hit on their hands, switched to using layers of melted plastic resin, and formed Sealed Air, which is now a global company worth £2billion.

Ben Browder

*Slurps*

Mark Epstein VS Michael Bisping

This is quite hot. Bisping is such a bottom boy. The bitch puts his legs in the air a lot. lol

Sexy Justin Timberlake

If you wanna be a beeeaaaaauuuutiful laaaaaaady, then you need these foods:

Nutritionist Sarah Schenker says that for your skin to benefit from what you're eating, you need a high level of nutrients in your diet as a whole, not just from beauty food.

But, she says: "If you're going to eat a chocolate bar, choosing one with high anti-oxidants is better than a regular bar."
Here are some of the latest products....

NewTree Chocolate Noir Young
£2.49 from Waitrose and independent health stores
DERMATOLOGIST Doris J Day recommends a bar a day to boost skin health - cocoa has been proven to boost skin texture and hydration in trials.
Plus, this cherry-flavoured bar also contains anti-oxidant packed grape extract leading the company to claim that a bar contains more anti-oxidants than two glasses of red wine. The catch though is that two glasses of wine have 160 calories. This 80g bar contains 457.
ALTERNATIVE: Get the grape boost by using grapeseed oil (from supermarkets) in salad dressings, or cook with it. It has quite a nutty taste so it's great with stirfries. One tablespoon contains 120 calories.

Dr Stuart's Skin Purify Tea
£1.80 from Holland & Barrett and major supermarkets
NOT the tastiest brew, but it's packed with herbs known for their skin-clearing powers. Medical herbalist Dr Malcolm Stuart told us: "Red clover helps rebalance hormones, nettle leaves, burdock and dandelion are detoxifying." The tea also contains calming camomile and lemonbalm, helpful as stress can trigger oil production in the skin increasing your risk of spots.
ALTERNATIVE: Plain old camomile tea, or you can brew your own tea using any of the above herbs.

V Water's Glow
from £1.50 from independent retailers (call 020 7759 7400 to find stockists)
THIS vitamin-boosted water provides 100 per cent of your RDA of vitamin C and half your skin-hydrating vitamin E - along with red clover and burdock root. It also contains pomegranate extract, the highest natural source of the powerful skin antioxidant ellagic acid. V claims that this water will "help you glow like the star you are".
ALTERNATIVE: Walnuts - a major source of vitamin E. Wash them down with pomegranate juice which contains a higher concentration of ellagic acid than the fresh fruit. Why eat them together? Vitamin E's anti-oxidant is stronger when combined with lycopene, an ingredient in red fruits like pomegranate.

Fushi Female Health and Beauty Oil
£15.95 at www.fushi.co.uk
PACKED with omega 3, 6 and 9 oils that help hydrate skin from within by strengthening your skin cell walls.
According to Dr Des Fernandes, founder of the Environ skincare line, defects in these are a major cause of dry skin - because if the cell walls are damaged it doesn't matter how much water you drink, you won't keep it all in.
ALTERNATIVE: Oily fish like trout, salmon and mackerel twice a week.

Borba Gummi Boosters
US Û25.00 (around £13) plus p&p. Available at www.beauty.com
YOU'RE supposed to eat at least six of these little jelly bears a day and they'll provide all the daily vitamins you need, plus extra green tea, grapeseed and acai berries.
Dermatologist Dr Nicholas Perricone names this vitamin-packed Brazilian berry as one of his top 10 skin-boosting superfoods. However, six bears contain 18g of sugar - that's nearly half the recommend 40g of sugar health experts suggest we stick to each day.
ALTERNATIVE: Acai used to be impossible to get in the UK, but now you'll find Sparky Wild Acai Berry and Mango Juice, £2.29 in Tesco. Or try Brazilian Acia Superjuice, £39.95 for 30 shots at www.superfooduk.com

Going on holiday?
If you're in Italy, look out for anti-oxidant packed yoghurts (the Jeunesse range). And if in France, you may pick up some Norelift Anti-Aging Jam, which combines fruits with added anti-oxidants in flavours like green tomato and green tea. It costs seven euros, for more info see www.beauty-test.com

"My ass is so pert!"

Oh yeah baby, that's the spot.

Sauteed testicles anyone?

Hundreds of people queued up in lines for up to an hour at the 16th annual Mountain Oyster Fry event in Nevada, to try something a little bit different.
On the menu were sheep testicles, also known as 'fried oysters', and servers at the five food booths got through approximately 60kg of the delicacies.
The tiny morsels can be fried, barbecued, stuffed, ground up and even sautéed.
Visitors had mixed reviews after tasting the sheep testicles, but Amanda Palmer, 21, from Carson City had no problem eating them.
'People think, "Oh sheep testicles, gross", but it was pretty good,' she said.
Dan Herron, 32, from Reno, wasn't a fan, even though he was spending his fourth year at the festival barbecuing the meat.
'It's disgusting. It's like peeling a big grape,' he said when describing the process of skinning and preparing the testicles.
Believe it or not, the meat is pretty versatile and has also been used in tacos and sloppy joes (a hot sandwich).

Watch out for the ominous can of baked beans!

A council is to hide cameras inside baked bean tins and brick walls to catch residents who put rubbish in the wrong bins.
The covert surveillance has been ordered by Ealing council to target 'enviro-criminals' an Evening Standard investigation has found.
Cameras will be installed around the London borough before changes in the collection from weekly to fortnightly.
The cameras cost around £200 each, are triggered by movement, and email pictures back to a council control room.
They will be used to catch fly-tippers, graffiti vandals, those who leave out black bags when they should not and let contents spill out onto the pavement.
An Ealing spokesman said: 'To catch vandals and enviro-criminals, cameras disguised as anything from tin cans to house bricks will email images to the council's CCTV control centre.'

KINKY Rebecca McDonald tied her “sex slave” to a bed — then burgled his house, a court heard.
McDonald, 25, allegedly met her victim on the internet and promised to whip him.
But she and boyfriend Jason Whale stole jewellery and electricals, Bradford Crown Court heard.

Forget about putting wabbits in a pot of boiling water

A HORRIFIED mum found her puppy hacked to pieces — with an ex’s Valentine’s card in its mouth.
Police are hunting Sharon Kingsland’s former partner Lenus Rosil, 26, whom she claims used a pickaxe to mutilate seven-month-old Staffordshire bull terrier Esko.
Sharon, 21, described the horror scene inside her flat in Lower Edmonton, North London, as “like something out of the Godfather”.

From The Sun:

GOOD golly — that’s the verdict of the British public.
Woolly-headed do-gooders have branded traditional golly dolls racist — but YOU have leapt to the toys’ defence.
After two gollies were seized from a Wigan shop by police, we took to the streets with one of the dolls to ask if it gave anyone the golly-wobbles.
The cops swooped in a drugs bust- style raid on the In Touch furniture store after a customer complained the dolls were offensive.
As we reported on Friday owner Gavin Alexander was even warned he may face charges.
But our poll reveals most people, whatever their race, LIKE the gollies.
Here is what some of you said . . . [and here they managed to find someone with an African name]:
Bolaji Alajija, 42, a student nurse from North London: “I don’t see why there is all the fuss. What’s the harm in having a black doll? It’s exactly the same as a white doll. People shouldn’t be so sensitive.”

Personally I hate those voodoo dolls. They're fucking freaky! Where is the Curry Doll (for the Asians) and the Noodle Doll (for all the yellas)?

TV favourite Mr Tumble is greeting toddlers by saying “I’m fucking you” in sign language.
The CBeebies character says the gestures mean “I’m happy to see you”.
But angry parents have accused the BBC of jumbling up their signals.

LOL!

The UK arm of McDonald's is planning a campaign to have the dictionary definition of a McJob changed.
The Oxford English Dictionary says it is: "An unstimulating, low-paid job with few prospects, esp. one created by the expansion of the service sector."
But Lorraine Homer from McDonald's said the firm felt the definition was "out of date and inaccurate".
Yeah right. When do you ever see a smiling Maccy D employee? Some of them are so apathetic they give you normal coke instead of the diet . Argh!

Michael Shanks (the cute geek in Stargate SG1!).

A black, hungry, thirsty tramp was looking for food in a rubbish bin, when suddenly he finds a can of Coke. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. ‘You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them.’

‘OK, OK,’ and without hesitation he says, ‘first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.

Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?"

The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."

The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."

The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"

The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

Rest In Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Questions & Answers

Following questions and answers were collated from last year's GCSE exams

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Proverbs to live by (2)

1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

3. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5. S/he who hesitates is probably right.

6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

8. Success always occurs in private......failure in full view.

9. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

10. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

11. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

13. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

14. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

16. The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards.

17. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

19. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlights of an approaching train.

Concentrate on the four dots in the middle of the picture for about 30 seconds.

Then close your eyes and tilt your head back.

Keep them closed. You will see a circle of light, continue looking at the circle...

What did you see?

A man from China is to finally have a huge tumour removed today after discovering it 17 years ago.

Huang Liqian, 58, first discovered a bizarre growth on the back of his neck in 1990, but chose to ignore it.

However, as the years rolled on, it continued to increase in size at a rapid pace, with the growth ballooning to 15kg.

Liqian developed symptoms such as severe pain and restricted movement two years ago, so he decided that it was time to find out what was happening to his body.

Silly yella!

Meaning is getting lost in translation by film makers getting subtitling done cheaply in Asia according to British subtitlers.

Subtitling is increasingly being done in countries such as India and Malaysia to cut costs.

British subtitlers say that the original dialogue in some films is being distorted so badly by bad translations that they do not make sense.

They cite examples such as My Super Ex-Girlfriend, starring Uma Thurman, whose line, 'We have a zero-tolerance policy for [sexual harassment]' was translated for Taiwanese audiences as, 'We hold the highest standards for sexual harassment'.

In one film, translated from English to Danish, the line 'Jim is a Vietnam vet' became 'Jim is veterinarian from Vietnam'.

In another film 'flying into an asteroid field' became 'flying into a steroid field' and in a television programme 'she died in a freak rugby accident' was translated into 'she died in a rugby match for people with deformities'.

In The Princess Diaries 2, which stars Ann Hathaway, a reference to Sir David Attenborough during a discussion on insects was subtitled for Chinese speakers as Sherlock Holmes.

'It was a ball to shoot' (ie easy) became 'It was like filming a dance scene', in Seabiscuit while the line 'I'm the puff, you are the straight man' became 'I'm the puff, and you're normal' in the Spanish version of romantic comedy Confetti. LMAO!

In the Taiwanese version of X-Men 3 'I introduce our new ambassador to the UN, and the representative to the world for all US citizens' became: 'I introduce the ambassador of UN, who raises his voice to represent US citizens.'

Deborah Chan, who specialises in Chinese translations for films, said: 'There are some ridiculous mistakes. The general public suffers and the film-makers suffer.'

After the lovely Bear, here comes another intrepid explorer!!

Starts his own show on the Discovery Channel this week.

http://eyeflashes.com/blog/category/ollys-penis-gourd/

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very

>sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you

>want."

>

>So he tied her up and went golfing.

>

>**************************************************

>

>A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into

>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

>

>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or

>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

>

>**************************************************

>

>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

>other is a husband.

>

>**************************************************

>

>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

>

>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed

>him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

>

>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

>

>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

>

>**************************************************

>

>Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

>

>"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the

>convent."

>

>

>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

>chardonnay."

>

>**************************************************

>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

>

>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

>

>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We

>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

>They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER

>listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you

>CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you

>always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

>

>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think

>I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

>

>The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels

>like when I'm driving."

A cable news program was temporarily replaced with hard-core pornography, shocking viewers who had been watching a health show featuring former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw.

The incident Monday night on KPPX-TV was “an act of human sabotage” at the Phoenix-area station, said ION Television, which operates the station.

Thanks to "Princess".

Argh, why can't something like that happen in the UK? This reminds me that I need to update my porn collection. It's all looking kinda stale now....

Insurance claim form gaffes

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

The Walt Disney Co. has started production on an animated musical fairy tale called "The Frog Princess," which will be set in New Orleans and feature the Walt Disney Studio's first black princess.

The company unveiled the plans at its annual shareholders' meeting in New Orleans.

Prepare to be grossed out!

Pussycat Sluts- Beep

A very silly song, but it's grown on me.

"I don't give a [beep]
Keep looking at my [beep]
'Cause, it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my [beep]
Ha, I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your [beep]
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha"

Some Oirish Recipes

Wilted cabbage salad with bacon and cashel blue cheese

Ingredients
3 slices white bread, cut into 1cm/½in cubes
90g/6 tbsp duck or goose fat
200g/7oz streaky bacon, cut into 5cm/2in pieces
1 garlic clove, chopped
3 tbsp red wine vinegar
salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 savoy cabbage, thick ribs removed and leaves sliced
½ head of radicchio, thinly sliced
200g/7oz cashel of other blue cheese, crumbled
radicchio

Method
1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.
2. To make the croutons, toss the bread cubes in 2 tablespoons of melted duck or goose fat and bake in the preheated oven for about 10 minutes, tossing and turning frequently until they are golden brown and crusty.
3. To make the dressing, sauté the bacon pieces in 2 tablespoons of duck or goose fat in a large frying-pan over moderate heat until the bacon is beginning to crisp nicely. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon, add the garlic and let it fry gently for 1 minute.
4. Remove from the heat and carefully add the wine vinegar. Scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen any carameliaed juices. Taste the hot dressing for salt and add some freshly ground black pepper.
5. To wilt the cabbage, heat a very large frying-pan with the remaining duck or goose fat over a moderate heat. Add the cabbage all at once. Cook, stirring for about 1-2 minutes until the cabbage has wilted. Tip into a large bowl.
6. To serve, combine the radicchio, bacon, cheese and croutons with the warm cabbage and toss with the dressing of red wine and juices.
7. Spoon some of the mixture into a 10cm/4in biscuit cutter or cooking ring and press down slightly until the cabbage mixture forms a neat shape.
8. Carefully remove the ring. Repeat with all the cabbage rings on warmed plates. Serve at once.

New season lamb with a herb and mustard crust and scallion crushed potatoes

Ingredients
600g/1lb 5oz or 4 x 150g/5½oz boneless loin of lamb, trimmed of fat and silverskin
salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 tbsp light olive oil
6 tbsp fresh breadcrumbs
1 tsp roughly chopped thyme
1 tbsp chopped parsley
1 tbsp smooth strong Dijon mustard
1 tbsp wholegrain Dijon mustard
For the sauce
300ml/10fl oz good brown lamb stock, made from bones and trimmings
pinch of thyme leaves
1 tsp chopped parsley
1 tsp wholegrain Dijon mustard
15g/½oz butter
For the scallion crushed potatoes
700g/1lb 9oz new potatoes, peeled
85g/3oz butter
4 spring onions (called scallions in Ireland), finely chopped
pinch of salt
To garnish
olive oil
seasonal vegetables, blanched, such as new carrots, lettuce, broad beans and girolle mushrooms
salt and freshly ground black pepper
fresh parsley sprigs

Method
1. Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.
2. Season the lamb with salt and freshly ground black pepper. In a heavy frying pan, heat 3 tablespoons of the olive oil until it is nearly smoking. Add the lamb and cook over a high heat until browned all over. This should take about 5 minutes; the lamb loin should still be rare inside. Place on a wire rack and allow to cool to room temperature.
3. Pour the breadcrumbs onto a baking sheet and drizzle with the remaining olive oil. Mix gently with your fingers. Put into the oven and toast the crumbs until lightly browned, stirring two or three times. When browned, allow to cool, then add the herbs.
4. For the sauce, reduce the lamb stock until it has a light sauce consistency. Remove from the heat and stir in the herbs, mustard and butter. Check for seasoning.
5. To prepare the scallion crushed potatoes, cook the new potatoes in boiling salted water until tender, then drain. Melt the butter in a saucepan over a moderate heat, add the spring onions and a little salt and cook gently for one minute. Add the potatoes and crush gently with a fork. Keep warm.
6. While the potatoes are cooking, finish the lamb. Mix the two mustards together and brush over the top of each loin. Dip the mustard-coated part of the loin into the breadcrumbs and gently press the crumbs onto the mustard. Set the loins on a baking sheet, crumb-side up.
7. Place in the top of the oven and roast for 4-5 minutes for medium rare, or 8 minutes for medium-well done. Remove from the oven and allow to rest.
8. Heat a little oil in a pan and sauté the blanched carrots, lettuce and broad beans with the girolles for a few minutes. Season to taste with salt and freshly ground black pepper.
9. To serve, spoon the vegetable garnishes and some of the crushed potatoes onto the warmed plates. Slice the lamb, allowing three thick slices for each person, and place on the potatoes. Spoon over the sauce and garnish with fresh parsley.

Irish sausage and potato pie

Ingredients
8-12 pork sausages
115g/4oz unsalted butter
2 large onions, finely sliced
175g/6oz bacon lardons
225g/8oz cavolo nero cabbage, finely shredded
1.3kg/3lb floury potatoes, peeled and finely sliced
2 tbsp soft thyme leaves
570ml/1 pint double cream
425ml/¾pt fresh beef stock
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper

Method
1. Preheat oven to 170C/325F/Gas 3.
2. Heat a non-stick frying pan. Add the sausages and gently fry until they are about three quarters cooked and golden brown. Remove from the pan and slice on the diagonal, lengthways into three.
3. Meanwhile heat a large frying pan. Add the 55g/2oz of the butter and once melted add the onions. Cook the onions gently for 10 minutes or until soft and translucent. Remove from the pan and set aside.
4. Add the bacon lardons to the frying pan and cook for 3-4 minutes until golden and crispy. Add the cavolo nero with 2 tablespoons of water. Cook for 2-3 minutes or until the cabbage is soft, but still holding a little texture. Drain off any fat, remove from the pan and set aside.
5. Rub a large gratin dish (30x21x6cms/12x8x2in) liberally with 25g/1oz butter. Place a layer of sliced potatoes in the bottom of the dish season with salt and pepper and a sprinkling of the thyme. Top with a layer of sliced sausage, then a layer of cooked onion. Top with another layer of sliced potato and season with salt, pepper and thyme. Spoon over the cooked cavolo nero and bacon. Top with another layer of potato slices and season again with salt, pepper and thyme. Top with a layer of sliced sausage, then a layer of cooked onion and finally a layer of sliced potato. Season once again with salt, pepper and thyme.
6. Pour the cream and stock into a pan and add the bay leaves. Place over a gently heat and bring to just below boiling point. Pour over the sausage and potato pie. You want the liquid to just cover the top layer of potatoes. Dot over the remaining butter and cover with foil. Place the dish on a baking sheet. Place in the oven and cook for 1¾ hours.
7. Remove the foil from the dish and increase the oven temperature to 200C/400F/Gas 6 and cook for a further 15 minutes or until the top is golden. Serve immediately with garlic bread.

Irish coffee tart

Ingredients
125g/4½ unsalted butter, diced
25g/1oz golden brown sugar
50g/2oz sugar
125g/4½oz plain white flour
1½ tbsp cornflour
pinch of salt
175g/6oz hazelnuts, toasted and roughly chopped
butter, for greasing
lightly whipped cream, to serve
For the filling
300ml/½ pint double cream
100ml/3½fl oz single cream
100ml/3½fl oz Irish whiskey
2 tbsp coffee essence or very strong coffee
300g/10oz dark chocolate, finely chopped
100g/4oz milk chocolate, finely chopped
2 eggs, beaten
For the topping
½ gelatine leaf or 1 tsp powdered gelatine
250ml/9fl oz whipping cream
140g/5oz icing sugar
4 tbsp Baileys Irish Cream
For the chocolate sauce
150ml/5fl oz milk
50ml/2fl oz whipping cream
250g/9oz dark chocolate, finely chopped or grated

Method
1. Preheat the oven to 160C/325F/Gas 3.
2. Process the butter, both sugars, flour, cornflour, salt and half the hazelnuts to a crumbly texture in a food processor. Pat an even layer into the base of a greased 23cm/9in springform tin. Bake for 20 minutes, until golden brown. Remove from the oven and leave to cool.
3. Reduce the oven temperature to 150C/300F/Gas 2.
4. For the filling, bring the double and single creams to the boil in a saucepan, then remove from the heat and add the whiskey and coffee essence or coffee. Cool slightly before stirring in both the chopped chocolates. Stir and, when the chocolates have melted, stir in the eggs. Pour the filling over the base and bake on the centre shelf of the oven for about 20 minutes, until just set but still slightly wobbly at the centre. Remove from the oven and leave to cool completely.
5. To make the topping, soften the leaf gelatine (or dissolve the powdered gelatine, if using) in two tablespoons of water for a few minutes, then heat gently to dissolve. Set aside to cool slightly. Whip the cream until it forms soft peaks and sift in the icing sugar. Mix in the gelatine and Baileys Irish cream. Spread an even layer over the chocolate filling and leave to set.
6. To make the chocolate sauce, bring the milk and cream to the boil. Remove from the heat and leave to cool slightly. Add the chocolate and then stir until well mixed and all the chocolate has melted.
7. Serve the tart in slices, with some chocolate sauce drizzle over and around, lightly whipped cream on the side and the remaining hazelnuts scattered over.

It's St. Patrick's Day today? Cool. Maybe I'll run over to Kilburn and take advantage of a drunk Oirishman on the street! lol I remember my sister telling me that when she was walking along a local high street, this drunk was lying on the pavement and as she walked past, he grabbed her leg and muttered some nonsense! LMAO

Pensioners are used to getting special rates on meals, haircuts and bus fares, but now a brothel in Germany is offering over 65s a discount too.

The Pascha in Cologne is offering 50% off during the afternoon, providing the pensioners take proof of their age with them.

Pensioners will get half price services between midday and 5pm every day.

'There's been plenty of demand and people have certainly been taking advantage of the offer,' a brothel spokesman said.

'Older folks are more active than you think.'

In a bold strike for the forces of justice, a judge in Florida has jailed his own court stenographer for working too slowly.

Circuit Judge Charles Greene sent Ann Margaret Smith to prison for contempt of court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, after she failed to finish typing a transcript needed for an appeal hearing for a convicted rapist.

To be fair, Greene did point out that Smith had failed to finish the transcript for several months now, and that she had been given a final deadline of last Friday – which she missed.

Apple Iraq war parody

Boxing Deers

Boxing Deer

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What a pair of sissies! Why don't they use their antlers to gauge out the other's eyes? This is probably some kinda mating ritual.

Thoughts for the day
>
>>
>>
>> 10 Reasons to Smile
>>
>> Marriage changes passion.
>> Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>>
>> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
>> "Guess" on it.
>> So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
>>
>>
>>
>> How come we choose from just two people to run
>> for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
>>
>> A good friend will come and bail you out of
>> jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to
>> you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
>>
>>
>>
>> I signed up for an exercise class and was told
>> to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
>> loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
>> the first place!
>>
>> When I was young we used to go "skinny
>> dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
>>
>>
>>
>> Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may
>> not be able to tell the difference.
>>
>> Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up
>> our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and
>> start all over?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Wouldn't you know it...
>> Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
>> FAT cells live forever.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
>> The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

So my cute colleague has flown the nest, and now I'm all gloomy. Oh well, at least I nabbed a hug from him just before he went home. Whoo hoo! Of course it was a man hug, and not one of those hugs where you hold the other guy tightly and move your hand down his back and onto his ass. LOL

Let's play a sad song.... Xtina's "Hurt":

Belly dancer Julia Meyer, 38, got £12,000 compensation after her right BUTTOCK was sucked away in a lipo blunder in Munich, Germany.

LOL!

Cate Blanchett has signed on to star in the fourth installment of the "Indiana Jones" adventures.

Harrison Ford already has boarded the project, which will be produced by Lucasfilm and directed by Steven Spielberg.

With David Koepp's screenplay shrouded in secrecy, it is unclear what character Blanchett will play. However, sources said the Oscar-winning actress has landed a starring role.

Shooting will begin in June in Los Angeles and at undisclosed locations around the world. Paramount Pictures will release "Indy 4" day-and-date around the world on May 22, 2008, with a handful of territories opening the following day.

AMY WINEHOUSE split from boyfriend Alex after she started spending more and more time with her ex.

Struggling musician Blake — whose name is tattooed on Amy’s left boob — is being blamed by pals for the break-up. Poor Alex. He ain't bad! I feel sorry that he had to suck her tit with her ex's name on it. Hell I feel sorry for him for sucking her alcohol-saturated tit full stop!

He's a chef too. Mmm he could toss my salad any day. LOL!

Be gentle with me!!!!!!

The question is: Do you use bacon grease?


We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood.


I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever
you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat
anymore.


COOKING WITH BACON GREASE

I just threw out my last 2 tbls of bacon grease!!

This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a
warning, send this to everyone you care about.


It could happen to you...


Bacon grease will make your feet small!! Warn everyone!!

Thousand Dollar Pizza!

A new, upscale, high-end pizza restaurant is being opened in Manhattan and will feature NYC’s most expensive pizza topped with different types of caviar, lobster, imported cheeses and laced with 14k gold leaves.

Nino’s Bellisimo will hold a special press conference to sell the first, record priced thousand dollar pizza pie to a table full of hungry patrons. The international record for pizza found on a menu is $193 dollars at Gordon Ramsey’s Maze restaurant in London.

The new luxury pizza will feature: Russian Beluga, Black Beluga, Royal Sevruga, Osetra, Golden Salmon Row, Crème Freiche and Lobster, decorated with 14 karat gold leaf dust.

According to Nino Salimaj, the creator of the pizza and owner of six upscale Italian Restaurants in New York City, “My luxury pizza will become as famous as a night at the Waldorf Astoria for tourists. When Mr. Chow’s introduced upscale Asian Cuisine several years ago, people couldn’t imagine paying hundreds of dollars for Chinese food. Now upscale Asian cuisine is as common as New York hotdogs. Upscale Pizza will be next." LOL the cheap-ass that I am is happy just going to Pizza Slut!

Will Smith is proud of the new toilet he had installed into the home he shares with his kids and wife, Jada Pinkett Smith. His new toilet will save him a boat load on toilet paper.
He said, "They've installed these toilets from Japan. They're paper free. Wherever you sit on the toilet, somehow it hits the bull's eye perfectly. It cleans and then dries you. It is just water and then air."

That is so cool! I want one! Those clever yellas.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."So the rectum closed up.After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

Police in India's western state of Gujarat are to try out new fragrant, light-weight uniforms to see if they make them less sweaty and smelly.
The uniforms will be doused with the smell of flowers and citrus to help police improve their image by being less malodorous in the heat of summer.

LOL stinky brownies.

There really is something in the way she moves, according to researchers.
An hourglass figure has long been perceived to be the ideal figure for a woman to have.
But New York University researchers have found that to be found attractive, a woman had to move in a feminine way - swaying her hips.
Men, the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences paper found, were more attractive if they moved with a "shoulder swagger".
The waist-hip ratio has long been thought to be key to Western perceptions of attractiveness, with a small waist and bigger hips the ideal combination.

Oh great, now even more campy queens are going to be strutting down the street...

Grapes are good. And I'm not talking about arse grapes!

A diet rich in fruit juice could cut the risk of Alzheimer's disease and other diseases, according to research.
A team at Glasgow University has carried out one of the first studies into the benefits of antioxidants.
The study found that grape, apple and cranberry juices contained high amounts of the beneficial chemicals.
Antioxidants are natural chemicals which reduce cell damage caused by free radicals, a major cause of disease and ageing.
Researchers from the Human Nutrition group at Glasgow University examined different juices and how much antioxidant they contained as well as the different chemical compounds.
Polyphenols are a very strong antioxidant that get rid of free radicals in the body.
It is believed they can maintain and improve health and also protect against chronic diseases. #

Results showed purple grape juice made with Concord grapes contains the highest and broadest range of polyphenols as well as having the highest antioxidant capacity, equal to those found in a Beaujolais red wine.
Alan Crozier, Professor of Plant Biochemistry and Human Nutrition, said: "Not all fruit juices are the same.
"Supplementing a healthy diet with a regular intake of a variety of fruit juices such as purple grape juice, grapefruit juice, cloudy apple juice and cranberry juice, will, without major dietary changes, increase the consumer's intake of phenolic antioxidants.
"Dietary polyphenols through their antioxidant properties, and possibly other mechanisms, are believed to play a role in protecting against chronic diseases."
The study will be featured in the Journal of Agriculture and Food Chemistry.

The government is launching a plan to tackle obesity by helping parents recognise the warning signs that their children are overweight.
It follows a claim by the Medical Research Council that many people do not know their children are overweight.

LMAO. Silly parents. Don't they notice that their son John is growing tits?

Got a migraine? It's a pain, but it could also be a sign that you're brainy.
Dynamic and intelligent people are more susceptible to the splitting headaches, according to Dr Piero Barbanti, one of the world's leading neurologists.
'To call migraines the illness of the intelligent is not far fetched because most sufferers are creative, full of vitality and active intellectually,' he said.

I feel a headache coming on...

The first night was always likely to go swimmingly.
But the latest production of the oldest English opera had one unique feature – the dance sequences were performed underwater.
The new version of Dido and Aeneas takes place in a giant aquarium in which performers dance while holding their breaths for up to a minute.

It looks magical!

PREPARE yourself for a high-street revival of fluorescent green jumpers, white slacks and removable Velcro skirts.
Yes, it can only mean one thing — a BUCKS FIZZ comeback.
The original line-up of the 1981 Eurovision winners have agreed to take the stage together for the first time in more than 20 years.
The band, made famous by their legendary knicker-flashing performance, will star on BBC1’s Making Your Mind Up show on Saturday to choose this year’s UK Eurovision entry.

Eeek! So embarrassing, but I actually liked them at one point. Did they sing "land of make believe?"

Oooh the Pussycat Whores are going to cover Madonna's Erotica!

Yay, the boss is away and I'm so relaxed. To top it off, there's no work to do! Triple Yay!!!

No gossip yet, although yesterday when I went to the pub for a leaving do, the cute guy sat right opposite me. His button was undone and mmmm he is haaaaairy! Plus he has a lovely smile too. God I sound like a stalker! *Makes a shrine*

So, it's Mother's Day on Sunday. Whoopee-fuckin'-do! If you can only be nice to your momma on one day of the year, what kind of son/daughter are you? I find it strange that a lot of these cosmetics companies are persuading daughters to buy their mothers anti-wrinkle cream for Mother's Day. "Mum, we love you so much. Here, sort out your crinkly face."

MPs approve plans by a majority of 248 to
replace the UK's nuclear missile system after a rebel
amendment to delay the vote is defeated.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! What a waste of money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Fancy dress party

A couple were going to a fancy dress party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party.

She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

"What kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

Childrens's books you'll never see

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Sweets"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket Become Friends"

"Bi-Curious George"

A site for faggy teens.
Erm, there's a section on "how to be a porn star". What the fuck is wrong with these people? Preparing them for a life on gaydar.co.uk?

Whoa. Those jeans are TIGHT!

Subject: HAVING A BAD DAY???
>>>
>>>
>>> In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same
>>> bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their
medical
>>> condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
>>> something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery
>>> as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a
>>> worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of
the
>>> incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m.,
all
>>> of the
>>> doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
>>> themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
>>> holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward
off
>>> the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, P ookie Johnson,
the
>>> part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
>>> support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
>>>
>>> Having a Bad Day????
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez
>>> Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special
>>> ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
being
>>> released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
>>> onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a ;killer whale
ate
>>> them both.
>>>
>>> Still think you are having a Bad Day????
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking
>>> frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire
>>> running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending
to
>>> jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with
a
>>> handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to
that
>>> moment, he had been happily listeni ng to his Walkman.
>>>
>>> STILL think you're having Bad Day????
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of
>>> sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly,
>>> all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
broken
>>> fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were
trampled
>>> to death.
>>>
>>> What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
>>> letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped
on
>>> it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown
to
>>> bits.
>>>
>>> There now, feeling better????

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough
time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
Represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
Advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5 There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com

Ouch!

A husband pleasured his wife so passionately he broke his penis.

Robert McClenahan, 38, was left writhing in agony after his mishap.

'We were having sex and he missed and broke his willy,' said his 32-year-old wife, Emma.

'We turned on the light and it was bent.'

The couple, from Colchester, Essex, went to hospital and Mr McClenahan ended up having surgery two days later.

From The Metro:

Ladies, listen up. Do you enjoy being adored by men? Would you like them to attend to your every whim? Should they treat you like the goddess you know you are? Welcome to the world of femdom.

And you can forget the stereotypical image of a middle-aged woman clad from head to toe in leather; female domination has gone more upmarket and is now on the rise behind both bedroom and nightclub doors. Femdom madame Lady K presides over The Whipping House, a dungeon tucked away in an old East End Victorian sweet factory.

Inside, you'll find a swing, restraining benches and a trunk (for locking people in). Lady K has been in the business for more than a decade and boasts a repertoire of bondage and sadomasochistic services but she's renowned for her kidnap scenarios. People can pay to be a prisoner for 24 hours – and attempts to escape are futile.

'It's all about the element of surprise,' she says. 'The client sends me information about their likes and dislikes and signs a consent form. I then make up a scenario, hire a van and two big guys and we take the client from the street at an agreed time.'

From there, Lady K travels to at least two locations to act out the fantasy. 'There's nothing I can't arrange. For the more extreme stuff, I bring in other mistresses and slaves but we don't do any sexual acts,' she explains.

Instead, men are lured by Lady K's reputation for discipline. It's her mental control, not physical torture, that turns her clients on. Mind games 'For me, it's about respect and attitude. I control my clients through fear, talk down to them and make them feel like dirt,' she says. 'They know who's boss and they will obey. And if they ever step out of line, they'll be severely punished.

If you are a woman who likes the sound of Lady K, then you have two options. Firstly, you could become a dom yourself – she conducts dominatrix training. 'A lot of men have bought gifts of three sessions for their wives as an anniversary present,' she says.

Secondly, you can visit Club Pedestal, a femdom night Lady K promotes with her friend Derek. Normally held at The Whipping House, it's an adult playground for dominant women, attracting professional mistresses and even hen parties. 'The club is entirely focused on pleasing women,' says Derek. 'Our house slaves are there to do exactly what they want – serve drinks and food, polish boots or act as a footstool.'

Full nudity is not allowed but you can spot the slaves in red collars and aprons. As a man choosing to live in a woman's world, Derek believes it's instinctive to worship the fairer sex. 'There have always been archetypal potent females such as Britannia, Athena and Boudicca. And, in mild forms, female rule is commonplace,' he reasons.

'Once we are married, it's usually the woman who controls the chequebook. Being submissive to women isn't about being a weak male or compensating for other parts of our lives, it's just natural.'

Madge last night at the launch of her new H&M range. Her skin is sooo smooth! I need to see her dermatologist. He can buff my face, and then go onto the ass. lol

Jude..my sexy Jude...with Cameron Diaz.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA has revealed she likes to play naughty doctors-and-nurses sex games — to the depressing sounds of RADIOHEAD.

The whore lifted the lid on her bedroom antics with her music producer husband JORDAN BRATMAN.

She said: “I got Jordan a doctor’s outfit with a doctor’s bag full of dildos— and I wore the naughty nurse’s costume, of course.”

Filthy! I love it!

The Wreckers- Stand still look pretty

Sorry ladies, I'm too tired to search for jokes, pics, irreverent news etc. I found out that a couple of temps are leaving this week, including the cute one. Boo hoo! No more distractions, which is a shame, 'cause I sorely need a distraction during my day. One of the temps is leaving tomorrow and I begrudgingly agreed to go to the pub with everyone else. I'm just at that "I can't be arsed" phase. I suppose the good thing is that the boss is going home early tomorrow which means I can doss about. Oh wait, I do that anyway! lol Regarding my boss, he's still pissing me off. He's just waaay too serious and formal. I've never been in a job where I've had to work with someone at least 20 years my senior and have no colleagues with whom I can chat crap with. The worst thing is that he loses his temper easily, and that makes me very uncomfortable. He kicks his desk, punches his desk, whacks the keys on his keyboard....argh! Chill out bitch!!!! I'm starting the Legal Practice Course in September so I think I'll remain in this hell hole till then. Then once the law school sends me details of vacancies by e-mail, I'll start applying for something else. Right, I'm off to have a poo and then I'm going to bed. Eww my mum just farted. Night night!! xxxxxxxxxxx

Directory Enquiries

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

Chemical Additions

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: man

Symbol: XY Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.

Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

I saw the dark side of my boss this morning. No, he wasn't bent over the desk. LOL
I've learnt that basically he can't handle pressure. When I told him that my computer couldn't access a particular web site which is crucial to my work, he kicked his desk! I was scared! I felt like saying "chill out!". I don't get particularly stressed and I don't lose my temper over silly things like that. My relaxed attitude might start to annoy him because he's so damn serious! Argh!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him
a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate! And make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse". (This procedure requires a large cat.)

6. Have someone open the back door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the back door.

7 Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,
The Dog

A dress sale has sparked a mini-stampede in Sydney. But it was not just any dress sale, this was a one-off special by Brit designer, Stella McCartney .

Hundreds of women lined up outside boutiques and stores stocking Stella's designs, with one shop selling-out their entire range in 10 minutes flat.

In another store, mannequins were stripped bare and one had its head pulled off! LOL! Go girls!

ANIMAL rights groups were fuming last night after Nike unveiled £1,400 trainers made from CROCODILE skin.

The sports shoes — with 18-carat gold lace tags — went on display at the company’s flagship store in London’s Oxford Circus at the weekend.

The trainers were made to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Nike’s iconic Air Force 1 line.

Yuck!

MADONNA is set to strip NAKED in raunchy TV series Nip/Tuck — for a romp with a hunky doc.

The Queen of Pop will prove she still has it at 48 by showing all in the US show about sex-mad plastic surgeons.

A show source said: “Everybody ends up taking their clothes off and usually having sex with JULIAN McMAHON’s character Dr Christian Troy.

*Sigh* as much as I love the bitch, I don't wanna see her quivering flaps on TV. She'll probably be something like that character in Body of Evidence; you know, when she tried to be like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct but it didn't quite work.

Mmm I wanna see Julian McMahon's ass. lol

Michael Bisping- Ultimate Championship Fighter

Oh he's so sexy!!!!!!

If any of you wanna start dressing like a laaaaaady, then you need The Cross-dressing guide.

A man walks into a bank...

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes to a customer service rep. and says, Hey, lady, I got this cheque here to deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' cheque ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey all I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' cheque for 15 million quid."

The manager looks at the cheque and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.

__

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

__

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says......... "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"

Anybody who objects to their personal details going on the new "Big Brother" ID cards database will be banned from having a passport.

James Hall, the official in charge of the supposedly-voluntary scheme, said the Government would allow people to opt out - but in return they must "forgo the ability" to have a travel document.

With one in every eight people saying they will refuse to sign-up, up to five million adults could effectively be refused permission to leave the country.

The first ID cards will be issued in 2009, to anybody who applies for a passport.

People will be required to give fingerprints, biometric details such as a facial scan and a wealth of personal details - including second homes, driving licence and insurance numbers.

All will be stored on a giant ID cards Register, which can be accessed by accredited Whitehall departments, banks and businesses.

Out-fucking-rageous!

CHANNEL 4 is stepping into a religious minefield again by signing up a strict Muslim woman for its life- switch series Wife Swap.

And the mum — who wears a traditional hijab — will swap with a woman whose 16-year-old daughter is a LESBIAN.

I can't wait to watch that one!

Hilary Duff - WIth Love

Ages of a woman

Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader, or if she is PMS'ing: sees/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")

Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees "I am" - and goes wherever she wants to.

Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. ...goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:
Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability - goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:
Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90:
Can't see and doesn't worry about it!

How to prepare for married life

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if >>necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise don't run the washer and dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and >>order where your husband can relax.

The Updated Version for the '90s Woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding >>where you'd like to eat and >>at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and give > him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you!

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"

Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

The wife replies, "I DON'T CARE! JUST GET OUT!"

The current world record holder for the world's longest hot dog, which was created at the Akasaka Prince Hotel in Tokyo, in 2006. The hot dog, certified by Guinness as the record holder, was 60.3m in length.

In stunning news that will have wide ranging implications for many years to come, a man has been found who likes having sex with cars.

The details of mechanic Chris Donald's alleged romantic vehicular liaisons have been unearthed by (naturally) The Sun - who claim that in addition to a large number of cars, Mr Donald has also done the dirty with two boats and a jetski.

Mr Donald apparently says that his sexual fetish may have been triggered by formative childhood experiences watching Knight Rider.

'When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars,' he says. 'As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way.'

Faggy Italian designers Dolce & Gabbana have pulled this ad from Italian and Spanish publications after people complained that it glorifies gang rape. Stefano Gabbana, meanwhile, says the ad "recall an erotic dream, a sexual game." Whatever!

Sexy Jakey

Riding is good for you!

As any riding aficionado knows, going for a trot can do wonders for a girl's figure, giving her toned legs, a shapely ass and a flat stomach, as well as better circulation and reduced cellulite.

Now, the latest home exercise craze from Japan - the iJoyRide machine - may mean we don't have to saddle up at all. The high-tech machine claims to give the same fitness benefits as riding, helping you to tone and condition your core muscles, and to improve your posture.

Shooter

World's Funniest Joke

The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman in 2002 attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

And here it is...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Natasha Bedingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies

Hope this hasn't put you off your muesli.

Cow lets pig suck her udders

A five-month-old pig has started to drink milk from the udder of a cow.

Rudi the Pig feeds several times a day from Eddi the willing cow at their owner Koester's farm in Linden, Germany.

Rudi and the cow have apparently made an extraordinary friendship, according to the owners.

Madge H&M Ad

It's crap, but I like it when she slaps the designer. lol

Norbit trailer

A CHEEKY chat-up line can get a fella the date of his dreams - or a slap round the chops:

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can sure make your Bedrock.

You're like a parking ticket...you've got fine written all over you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I walk by again?

What makes love like a tiger and winks? (Then start winking like a mad man!)

Hey that's a nice top, but it would look soooooo much better on my bedroom floor!

You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all night.

Your boyfriend is a very lucky man....you do have a boyfriend don't you, because if you don't, I'd love to apply for the job.

"You must be a thief!"
"Why?"
"Because you have stolen my heart tonight!"

Gorgeous girl walks into a bar wearing the tightest leather trousers you have ever seen and a guy says: WOW! How do you get into them?"
She replies: "A brandy and a Babycham will do for a start!"

My worst chat-up line was to ask the barmaid for a couple of ice cubes then proceed to stamp on them. When she asked me what I was doing I said "just breaking the ice."

Excuse me, is your name Gillette because you are the best a man can get it?

Sorry, I have an awful memory - do we know each other? Did we come here together? Are we an item? Last night...did we?"

I am a really good looking guy, right? Well, you can either believe me or you own eyes.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead, say no....

The voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen...on a Tuesday.

"Wet your finger, then run it over the shirt of the gorgeous man in front of you and casually ask "Can I help you out of those wet clothes...?"

1. My names Andy, but you can call me lover.
2. I'm easy - are you?
3. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
4. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

I saw a fat munter in a club a few years ago and asked he if she wanted to dance. When she said yes, I said "That's handy, I'll have your seat!"

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS

SAFE HAVENS: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.

"The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say!!!"

Classic horror short stories.

300 trailer

PINCH MY N I P P L E S

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it wouldn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Channel 4 is to screen a documentary series involving 10 people living on one of the UK's biggest rubbish sites.

The participants will spend three weeks sourcing everything they eat and drink from things other people throw away.

"It's a way of analysing issues of how we live, what we throw away and how wasteful we are," Channel 4's director of television Kevin Lygo said.

"They will have to feed, clothe and heat themselves." Dumped will last a week and be broadcast in the autumn.

Evolution of man

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

Gross!

A 34 year old auto-worker was rushed to the emergency ward this
weekend when his genitals started to suffer from necrosis.
>>>
>>>The unidentified man had a strange fetish for an extreme form of
>>>genital chastity which stopped the blood flow to his testicles and
>>>penis for more than four days.
>>>
>>>The married father of four claimed he enjoyed the constriction caused
>>>by the pipe-fitting rings used in valves at the assembly plant where
he worked, and that his wife had no idea about his strange liking.
>>>
>>>He is quoted as saying that he would leave them on for days at a time
>>>and usually had no problem removing them. Unable to get the device
off his genitals the man went to a friend's home who was also unable to
>>>remove the metal rings. Complaining of loss of sensation he then went
>>>to the local hospital where shocked and horrified medical team had to
>>>call in a locksmith to blast the homemade vice open.
>>>
>>>After four hours of drilling the device was removed, and doctors are
>>>still not certain if the mans genitals will have to be removed due to
>>>onset of gangrene.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have
Sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."