EEEEEEEEEEEK!
Something wrong with that butt!
Monday, April 30, 2007
This really sums up what straight men want from a woman doesn't it? Tits and fish. Who needs the rest eh?
From The Mirror:
BOY George has been arrested after a male escort claimed the gay singer chained him to a wall.
Auden Carlsen, 28, said he had gone back to George's flat after agreeing to pose for photos.
But once there he claims he was grabbed by the 45-year-old ex-Culture Club star and another man and shackled to a wall.
Carlsen says he fled in his underpants after wrenching a hook from the wall of the flat in Shoreditch, East London. He rang police from a local newsagents on Saturday morning.
Carlsen says he met George on the Gaydar website - a dating service for gay men - but only agreed to visit the flat at midnight as a £400 photographic model and not as an escort. Norwegian Carlsen said: "I was convinced I was going to die.
"George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down."
Ooh I'm going to watch out for Boy Whorge on Faggydar. He disgusts me more than an obese giggling girl eating cream cakes.
Excuse me? Did they say Gaydar is a "dating" service? LMAO!
Someone should tell the reporter that Gaydar, which I affectionately call "Faggydar", is nothing but a place to find someone who's not too fussy, to shag. There's no wining and dining. It's goes something like this:
Him: HiMe: Hi
Him: where are you?
Me: North London
Him: I'm 10 mins from you
Me: Interesting
Him: What you into?
Me: Bondage
Him: Nice
Me: Wanna hook up?
Him: Sure. Do I get brekkie afterwards?
Me: Don't be silly. You'll be out the door way before brekkie time.
Remember, that's just a typical online conversation. It never happened! You got that? lol
Want to pelt eggs at Kate Moss?
Topshop is braced for hundreds of customers when a new collection designed by supermodel Kate Moss goes on sale today. I think she's going to pose in the shop window too.
Shoppers (including the fag, who's after the hot pants) are already queuing outside its flagship Oxford Street store where the fashion range will debut at 8pm.
I don't understand all the palava. Like Kate Moss can really design clothes? That bitch just strolls on a runway wearing other people's designs! And suddenly she's got credibility for her design skills? Pah! I wouldn't be surprised if her contribution (if any) was limited to choosing where to place a particular button.
As every new parent knows, choosing a name for their child is a huge responsibility.
But research has revealed that this decision could have far greater consequences than simply exposing youngsters to years of playground ribbing.
Scientists have discovered that the 'femininity' of the names given to daughters could decide what career she does in future life and heavily influence what sort of person she eventually becomes.
They have shown that those christened 'Isabella' or 'Anna' are not likely to study science because their 'more feminine' first names means they are not encouraged to do so.
One reason given was that teachers' expectations of those children was lower, either consciously or sub-consciously.
He also has a stark warning for parents tempted to name their children after supposedly 'downmarket' celebrities such as glamour model Jordan.
Another bad idea, he says, is to adopt the David and Victoria Beckham method - they named their first child Brooklyn claiming that was the area in New York where he was conceived.
"If you want to give your child a name that connotes low status, then you need to be aware of the consequences," Prof Figlio said.
Is this all bull shit? Let's face it, a girl called Chardonnay is never going to win the Nobel Prize.
Message to Princess Beatrice: wipe the cum off your face!
Is it cum, or just some innocuous white powder?
The 18-year-old was seen stumbling out of Royal favourite nightspot, Boujis at 3.15am yesterday, looking more than a little bleary-eyed after a night of heavy partying.
A building in Oregon was locked down by police after a security alert was sparked by the sight of a man wearing nothing but a pair of high heels.
The medical building, which was virtually empty, was surrounded by police officers after a 911 call tipped them off that a naked guy in high heels was sitting on a bench on the basement floor of the building, in McMinnville, Oregon.
The police, however, were unable to apprehend the naked man, who was last seen running down a corridor of the building in his high heels.
Go girl!
Eww speaking of heels, last Friday some student slut was letting it all hang out at the bus stop. Bitch was crying out for the fashion police. She basically wore white stillies, white mini skirt, white waist-length jacket (with white fur on the collar). Trash personified! Oh, and her tits were hanging out too. LOL no one was paying her any attention though, even when she started strutting on the main road.
A woman who sent an email to the help desk of a phone company had her query rejected by the company's automatic filtering system – because she used the word 'Gay'.
The problem for her is that it's her name: Gay Hamilton.
Telecom New Zealand's automatic filtering software bounced her email back on the grounds that her name was 'inappropriate for business-like communication.'
Gay Hamilton – who is, as luck would have it, also gay – suggested: 'If they do have to put content filters on, then maybe they should ensure that it only gets genuinely abusive words.'
I kinda agree. But then why would anyone need to use the word "gay" in a work e-mail? Use your personal account if you wanna start talking about gays!Robo-tits seeking attention again!
Cover up those silicone boobies!
Doesn't she have a neck that's begging to be strangled?
SCIENTISTS have discovered our cavemen ancestors were sex-crazed and did not have nookie just to breed. Evidence from digs all over the world has been studied by archaeologists at Bradford University, who have exposed prehistoric man as a creature who indulged in GROUP ROMPS and used SEX TOYS (those cavemen were so innovative). This is what they got upto: FORE-PREY: Ug! The hunter-gatherers get cavewoman in mood for sex by sneaking up and banging head with club. (LMAO!) AC/BC: Ug ug . . . if you want to spice up cave love, then try on her loin cloth or dressing up. Maybe she can then even try out your club for size. TRICERATOTTY: Ug! Sex with one cavewoman fun . . . but with two or three even better. THE BRONTOSOREASS: Ug, Ug! Sometime caveman no like cavewoman, ug — he want special time with man. This OK . . . just be careful. RAMPANT RAPTOR: Toys can add spice to sex life, ug — also good for woman left on own in cave. It will be even, ug, better when we invent batteries.
The frumpy 50-year-old runs an explicit adult website advertising herself as “Seductive Selina”. She poses on the net nude and in bras and thongs — and invites clients to call her mobile. For hotel visits Hutton charges £640 an hour — and boasts that she “excels” in oral sex, spanking, domination and swinging. Hutton earns £30,000 a year teaching general studies to GCSE and A-level students at day centres in Birmingham. Colleagues were stunned when told of her secret life. One said: “Diane is a pleasant woman — but she’s no oil painting.
Who'd have thought? She's a £160-an-hour whore. Definitely not a high class one at that.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sauna Etiquette
Not that I'd ever go to one, but if you're a newbie and you're not sure what to do when you get there, then I guess you should read on. For others, feel free to laugh and say "nooooooooo, you don't do that!.
By Simon Shepherd:
Difficult as it may be to imagine Miss Manners wrapped in a towel at the washbasins, some basic principles should be kept in mind when visiting a sauna. Sure, blokes are there primarily to get laid, and horny men are beasts.
Still, a little common sense and courtesy can make the experience more pleasant all around.
As with any social situation, gentle reader, one should treat others as one wishes to be treated, even if one wishes to be treated like a pig. Remember, pieces of meat have feelings, too.
Not that I've ever been to a sauna, but here are some tips a friend has shared with me:
DO make your intentions clear. When face-to-face with Mr Hunk, acting flustered, fearful, and aloof will likely be counterproductive. Establishing eye contact is a good first step. One might even (gasp!) smile. A butch-sounding "Alright mate?" can also help things along. You know all those endless parades of horny guys circling the corridors? If they'd just relax and act approachable for a second, they might be able to get off their feet. Sure, after the fourth or fifth "No thanks," things might get discouraging.
But let's be nice to ourselves: it's not that we're objectively unattractive, it's that we're not his type, OK?
DO consider the direct approach. When roaming around wearing nothing but a towel, what good is pretending you don't want to get laid?
Extended flirting has its strong points, but overdoing the eye-contact-turn-and-cruise-some-more routine can result in Mr. Hunk's vanishing into the arms (and room) of another. Once promising eye contact has been made, it's appropriate to decrease the distance between bodies. If one's chosen sex object doesn't make the first move, then it's time to sidle up to him, close enough to be unambiguous yet far enough away to permit escape.
If his eyes disconnect and he strolls away, then he's changed his mind. Now's not the time to let self-confidence go limp. Just keep repeating this mantra: "I'm too good for him, anyway."
Which brings us to...
DON'T act like a stalker. Sure, some of us want to be persuaded a bit, but nobody wants to be harassed. Once turned down, one should accept the bad news gracefully. Mr. Hunk might change his mind later, but chasing him around the corridors is more likely to irritate him. So take a hint.
And conversely...
DON'T act like a jerk. If someone you find absolutely, utterly unattractive comes on to you, don't react as if it's a personal affront. Being approached by someone substandard is never, gentle reader, a judgement on you. So be nice. Don't treat him like dirt, not even a little bit.
A graceful "No thanks" and maybe a smile will make both parties feel better about the encounter. And acting rude or scary will just keep everyone away, including Mr. Hunk.
DO consider using touch to communicate. Ambiguous situations can be resolved in an instant. An outstretched hand will do the job. Not toward the target crotch, unless it's already pointed firmly in one's direction.
It's wiser by far to stroke a neutral spot. His chest is good. If he pulls away, you can gracefully smile an unhurt smile and retreat. If he stays put, hey, his nipple is just an inch away. But...
DON'T barge in. Two guys getting it on might like to make it a three-way - or they might not. The polite cruiser waits for a signal before he joins in. A word, a nod, or a welcoming movement will do. Greed is never pretty.
And remember: rules may vary somewhat from sauna to sauna, sex club to sex club. So taking a moment or two to assess the terrain can be wise, as long as one doesn't merely reconnoitre all night long. After all, the whole idea is to get laid, and to have a lovely time doing so.
Wikipedia:
Cock and ball torture (CBT) is a sexual activity involving torture of the male genitals. This may involve directly painful activities, such as wax play, genital spanking, ball busting, genital flogging, genital bondage, urethral play, electrical play, or tickle torture. It may equally consist of the use of cock harnesses, testicle cuffs, parachutes, prolonged stimulation (teasing), metal cages, cock rings, english cages, not necessarily leading to orgasm. Erotic electrostimulation may be used in CBT.
The use of ball bags, ball stretchers, various kinds of chastity devices, and the humbler can also be regarded as forms of CBT.
A ball lock may be used for prolonged entrapment, providing an interesting predicament associated with not knowing when padlock will be unfastened, releasing the testicles.
The recipient of said activity receives physical pleasure through endorphins, and emotional pleasure via pleasing another. There is also a high level of excitement associated with another focusing so much careful attention on that particularly intimate part of one's anatomy. There may also be social associations regarding controlling said part of the body. The one enacting the activity benefits by enjoying providing such pleasure to the recipient and having that control.
Hmm, not for me ta. I don't need anyone squishing my grapes. As for "urethral play"....*screams*
| You Are Somewhat Machiavellian |
 You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to! |
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Argh, I knew I shouldn't have bought my dildo from this website. Now they're sending me promotional material and offers such as this "head harness with ball gag & breathing tube" for only £31.50. LMAO! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!
The contraption looks mean!
From the Daily Mail (don'tcha just love their sanctimonious drivel?)
"Skimpy bikinis aimed at girls as young as four are being sold by leading retailers.
Tiny briefs and bra-style tops are available at respected names such as John Lewis, Marks & Spencer, Bhs and the leading supermarkets.
Many parents are deeply disturbed by the sale of such outfits, similar to those designed for adults.
It is seen as part of a wider problem of the sexualisation of young children."
HOGWASH! There's nothing sexy about this. Get the child to wear a thong and I might reconsider (calm down, I'm joking! lol). Only people with a sexual proclivity towards children are going to be aroused by a girl wearing these garments, otherwise they are harmless.You can bet your arse that if children were seen in just their panties with no bra (of course they don't need a bra 'cause her buds haven't even developed yet. Fuck, why do I know this? Oh yeah, I studied a module on reproduction at university) then there'd be outrage that the child isn't covering up her modesty.
Sandwiched between two shirtless Aussie hunks, Fergie wears her with a message of support for rapper pal Snoop Dogg.
Snoop has been banned from entering Australia on character grounds.
Praise da Lord for bringing those beefcakes into the world! My minge is frothing with excitement.
DANIEL Craig left a star-struck admirer shaken and stirred by a four-letter outburst - when he realised his posterior had been papped.
The 39-year-old Casino Royale star launched his astonishing verbal attack at London's posh Harvey Nichols store on Wednesday afternoon.
He even squared up to 24-year-old Craig Evans for having the "cheek" to take a discreet camera-phone snap of his rear as he was about to leave the Knightsbridge department store.
Oi Daniel, leave that fag alone!
Daniel is getting very narky lately "I want to be recognised for my acting, rather than those blue panties". Tough shit- people went to the cinema to see you in those powder blue undies. Revel in it!
Here's a reminder:
Rihanna -Umbrella
Cool vid, sexy singer, and she's all silver 'n' nekkid towards the end! Oh, and the song's not bad either!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Tut. This is what I have to put up with:
rebel16: hahaha finally i found u
rebel16: i like ur chatting style
wabbsy: lol I thought I said no pvts
rebel16: please
wabbsy: as I said. I can't concentrate at the
mo. I'm watching television too
rebel16: i know but it make me more
combortable
rebel16: ok
rebel16: do u live alone and i join u
rebel16: ok take ur time
rebel16: catch u next ime
rebel16: bye
Ahem, are any of you bitches going to leave some comments on here? I feel like I'm talking to myself here. lol
Right I'm going home now. It's been a very slow day at work. The only meaningful piece of work I did was send a few e-mails and make a phone call. That's it!
*Groan* back on the bus....full of smelly students.....
Hopefully I'll see a few guys wearing shorts on the way home. It looks nice out. Didn't you know I have a leg fetish?
I fancy a brown dessert this weekend
I didn't mean scat! You're so dirty-minded.
Rich Chocolate Mousse
Ingredients
170g/6oz dark chocolate
4 free-range eggs, separated
shot of liqueur, such as Cointreau or amaretto
To decorate
whipped cream, to decorate
grated chocolate
Method
1. Place the chocolate into a heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water and melt it, taking care not to let the chocolate over heat.
2. Meanwhile, whisk the egg whites until they form soft peaks.
3. Stir the liqueur into the beaten egg yolks and add to the melted chocolate.
4. Pour the chocolate mixture into the egg whites and gently fold together.
5. Divide evenly between four ramekins and transfer to the refrigerator to chill. Decorate with whipped cream and grated chocolate.
Fast Food
A little old lady sits at the cafe counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter shouts, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah? .... You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
(I apologise for some of these jokes being a bit lame!)
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill was a fucking Tranny.
"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."
"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"
Smart salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like shit!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Blonde goes into a computer shop and asks for a new pair of curtains for her computer.
Her fella says: "Why do you want curtains for your computer?" Blonde says: "Helloooo, I've got Windows!!!"
A computer game has been devised to help overseas students deal with the culture shocks of university life in Britain, like seeing kissing in public.
Players are asked to complete a series of tasks a foreign student might face on their first day at university.
They include seeing people drinking alcohol [and shagging in the bushes] and smoking, in a 3D recreation of the University of Portsmouth campus.
The senior lecturer in the university's faculty of creative and cultural industries, who is Indian, said: "Many students from places like South Asia were often shocked to see women smoking, drinking and being friendly with the opposite sex."I'm still shocked. People being friendly with the opposite sex? Holding hands? You people make me sick!
*Burns effigies*
The gory "chestburster" scene in sci-fi classic Alien has been named the greatest 18-certificate movie moment.
Movie magazine Empire is marking its 18th birthday with a list of the top 18-rated moments in film.
Top 5:
1 Dinner chestburster - Alien (pictured) 2 Glass decapitation - The Omen 3 Wolf transformation - An American Werewolf in London 4 Crucifix abuse - The Exorcist 5 Ready Ralph? - Risky Business
TIARAS and diamanté ties are among items for hire at a new wedding shop for gays in South Shields, Tyneside, called Aisle Alter Hymn.
SLEEPING with someone on a first date can INCREASE chances of a long-term relationship, a biologist claims. Dr Barry Gibb rejects the belief it is best to wait before having sex. His new book, The Rough Guide To The Brain, says love-making sparks chemical changes in the brain that lead to love and commitment. Dr Gibb said yesterday: “Behind all those romantic coy looks is a brain on chemical rampage.” It WOULD be a bloke who says this nonsense. Most guys are just looking for a bit of help to ejaculate. Once they've left a wet patch, they're off to plant their seed elsewhere. Grrr. And that's the reason you should make the bitch wait because they'll want to keep seeing you until it happens (unless you bore the crap out of him, in which case he'll do a runner). Hopefully during that time lag they actually get to know you properly and decide whether you are the kind of person they like being with. Hurrah, you have a guy who enjoys spending time with you and who also enjoys poking you.
I should so be a relationship doctor (says the guy who has only had one relationship in his entire life). lol
Dead Muslim Woman Found in Bondage Gear!
A MUM of four found murdered in her car boot was wearing rubber bondage gear, cops revealed yesterday. Last night they were investigating whether Muslim divorcée Janet Hossain, 32, was killed in a kinky sex session which got out of hand. She was wearing just the fetish outfit, which included belts and chains, and there were no obvious signs of injury. “She loved her kids and would never just up and leave them.” Yesterday a neighbour told how Janet had swapped her head-to-toe Islamic dress for trendy mini-skirts two years ago after divorcing her children’s dad — Muslim convert Rodney McHugh, 37. Marie Mahadoo, 39, said: “She used to wear the full burqa when she was with her husband." So next time you see a woman wearing a burqa, just remember not to assume that she's probably quite frigid because behind that mask could lie a randy bondage queen! Oh, and RIP Janet.
This isn't a funny post so stop smiling just for one second!
A boy of two smiled at nursery staff as they screamed at him to get out of the way of an out-of-control ambulance, an inquest heard.
Oliver Ladwa died after being crushed by the vehicle during a London Ambulance Service demonstration at his playgroup.
Playgroup assistant Victoria Brown told the hearing: 'Oliver was smiling and I was screaming at him to move.
'He was such a smiley boy and I kept shouting his name but he thought it was fun.'
LOL Justin Timberlake's new waxwork at Madame Tussauds is expected to be very popular and extra staff have been drafted in to protect it? Well it would be wrong not to have a feel (and maybe slip in a finger) wouldn't it?
Alan Carr (about Peaches Geldof): "Yes I'm sick of her. She scowled at me in the K West Hotel. She's got such a horsey face. I wasn't sure if she was scowling or just breathing. She slags everyone off but who the fuck is she?" Damn right!
An Indian court has issued arrest warrants for Hollywood actor Richard Gere and Bollywood star Shilpa Shelty for kissing at a public function, media reports said.
Judge Dines Gupta issued the warrants in the northwestern city of Jaipur after a local citizen filed a complaint charging that the public display of affection -which he called an "an obscene act" - offended local sensibilities, the Press Trust of India news agency reported.
But such cases against celebrities - often filed by publicity seekers - are common in conservative India.
They add to a backlog of legal cases that has nearly crippled the country's judicial system.
Calm down you idiots! If you think a public kiss is obscene, you should see the filth that comes out of Sweden, or the picture that I have (which led to the cancellation of Kpy's Faggydar profile) of a man being fucked by a horse! lol That should ruffle your feathers!
Ever been down on a guy and thought: "What the fuck? This smells like asparagus gone bad"?
Then read this:
Q It might sound stupid but I don't like the way my boyfriend smells when I go down on him. I know he showers every day but he still smells nasty and I'm getting put off. Is there some way I can tell him without making him hate me?
A: Although we're often told that we're supposed to be attracted to our partner's natural scent and therefore expect to experience some primitive kind of animal attraction when our noses get close to their naked flesh, in real life this is often far from the case.
Not even if they've put on a squirt of a certain brand of heavily advertised body spray that makes them believe gorgeous women will be falling at their feet to get a closer sniff. Just because you adore somebody doesn't mean you have to adore their unique smell.
While there are people who do get turned on by their partner's pongy armpits, you're clearly not one of them. I know you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feelings, but he'd be a lot more hurt if you stopped giving him oral sex or broke up with him. And it should be possible to find an indirect way to get your message across without offending him.
How about suggesting you share a hot bubble bath before you jump into bed? Or buying him a big basket filled with manly toiletries that just happen to include a couple of sticks of extra strength antiperspirant? Or even, as one ingenious friend of mine did, complain that your own armpits are stinky and ask him to smell them. When he does, return the favour and – giggling – tell him that his are actually pretty whiffy.
If you really can't face doing any of the above, you could resort to the old-fashioned method of simply covering up the smell. Introduce scented massage oils into your lovemaking. Buy some mint-scented body balm. Get creative. It would be a shame to lose an otherwise perfectly good boyfriend just because he's got an underdeveloped sense of smell and you don't.
A man has been jailed after robbing a bank to pay for a breast operation for his transvestite lover.
It's reported that car mechanic Robert Steinwirt, 29, was caught just hours after he handed over the 7,000 pounds he had robbed from the bank in Grinzens, Austria, to a plastic surgeon who he hoped would perform the op on his transvestite lover.
Whoa?! What a demanding tranny he has! Bitch drove him to rob a bank! lol
In an interesting twist on the concept of the 'Happy Meal', a McDonalds restaurant in New Zealand managed to give away a condom with one of its children's meals.
For the seven-year-old girl who was on the receiving end of the condom, however, the meal was maybe not so happy.
The staff let Maia swap the condom for a pencil case.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
'Blessed are the peacemakers,' says the good book. If that's really the case, then these two chickens are blessed indeed, as they wade into a fight between two rabbits to restore order.
Like blue-helmeted UN forces, or comedy-wigged scousers, they calm things down by splitting the two rabbits up, and leading them off separately to cool down.
An endangered crocodile in Malaysia will be spoilt for choice when he gets a chance to mate.
antan, a 470kg (74st) flase gharial crocodile over fifteen feet long, will be set up with four females when he is taken from a zoo to a breeding centre in Selangor province.
A government wildlife official said: 'He has got the right stamina and the right aggression.'
Oooh baby, can I stroke his scaly bits?
Skeletor is a bitch. So what else is new?
It seems Sticktoria Beckham is not exactly making herself popular in the US.
She has apparently been labelled a 'bitch' after infuriating the crew on her new reality TV show.
A show insider told Star magazine she was 'full of herself' and 'not very nice'.
She said: 'She's very picky, demanding and rude. Shes coming off as a grade-A bitch.'
Just to twist the knife in a little more she added: 'No one knows what to do with her to make the show interesting - she's so boring!'
NBC are making a fly-on-the-wall documentary about her move to LA this summer.
It will not feature her husband David or her three sons.
I hope that shit never gets aired. You know why that bitch never smiles?
Here's why:
Ewwww! Never do that again!
Sin City star Jessica Alba has been voted the world's sexiest woman (by FHM readers *groan*)
She does have nice blow job lips though.
Thousands of people have been 'fleeced' into buying neatly coiffured lambs they thought were poodles.
Entire flocks of lambs were shipped over from the UK and Australia to Japan by an internet company and marketed as the latest 'must have' accessory.
But the scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her 'poodle' didn't bark and refused to eat dog food.
LMAO!
A male stripogram has been charged with impersonating a policeman after real officers mistook him for one of their own.
Stuart Kennedy, 24, was waiting outside a bar in Aberdeen, dressed in his fake police uniform, when he was spotted by two female plain-clothes officers who asked if he needed any help.
When the genetics student told them he was a stripper he said the officers watched him perform his act at the city's Paramount venue before taking him in for questioning.
Employees who smoke should be allowed to attend clinics to help them kick the habit during working hours without loss of pay, officials are recommending.
WHAT?! Maybe it's time I started taking up smoking. What a silly idea. If I'm obese, would I be allowed time off to go to the gym?
Sure, smokers are addicted to those magical little sticks but they need to use some fookin' willpower and find other ways of pleasuring themselves using their fingers..... lol
Lady Mucca, the estranged wife of Paul McCartney is at the centre of a cruel skit on US late night talk show Jimmy Kimmel Live, which aired a spoof montage of her dancing routines.
One clip shows a woodpecker attacking her prosthetic limb, and in another, her leg flies off and hits an audience member, knocking out their teeth.
Widow Angela McKimm has flown her 25-year-old lover, known as Tosin, to Britain to live with her after falling for him on a trip to Gambia. Now they live in her huge £1million house in the sleepy village of Buriton near Petersfield, Hants. Mum-of-four Angela met Tosin in 2002 and spent £5,200 on flights to visit him before he was finally allowed into Britain in February after three High Court appeals. Until then he slept on the floor of a hut he shared in West Africa with his mum, sister, her husband and their baby. He ate chicken and rice for most meals. Angela chauffeurs him to and from college in a new silver Ford Focus.
A 75 year old granny has stunned family, friends and her local village by setting up home with an African toyboy (with a heeeeoooowge willy) a THIRD her age.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
On some slut's profile:
"got to be in good shape around same age as me......... has to be hung as i have a very hungry needy tight ass............"
Tempting huh?
Intelligence Test
You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically, too. Take this advice ... be sure and think before you answer.
What does your eyes say about you?
Size and gaze: Large bright eyes suggest an open, honest and likeable character. Watch the gaze though. Restless shifting pupils hint at unreliability, while an unflinching stare is a sign of ruthlessness.
Set: Deep-set eyes reveal an intense, possessive nature. People with uneven eyes will see life from a different perspective. Their offbeat insights make them great problem solvers.
Slant: Feline eyes signal someonewho knows how to get what they want-more so if the eyebrows slant upwards too. If your eyes slant downwards, you may be self-deprecating and have difficulty saying no to others.
Distance: Wide-apart eyes reveal balanced judgement and an open mind. Beware eyes set close together. This denotes narrow-mindedness, intolerance and a tendency to blow trivialities out of proportion.
What does your face say about you?
Round face: Those with round faces tend to be emotional, compassionate and affectionate-often mothering their peers. Men with round faces are most likely to stay in long-term relationships.
Long face: Practical, methodical and driven, many workaholics fall into this category. You place great importance on success and money, and can be very hard on yourself. Equally, this is the shape most prone to narcissism.
Heart-shaped face: Indicates a creative, curious and restless individual. A high hairline denotes intelligence, but you tend to burn out before seeing your ideas through.
Square-shaped face: Sharp and analytical, you're a straight-talking decision-maker. You can be intimidatingm but you make a natural and inspiring leader.
What do your lips say about you?
Full lips: People will large well-proportioned rubber lips are generous, expressive and pleasure-loving. A little indentation shows a laid-back soul who hates to be rushed.
Thin lips: Narrow lips usually belong to orderly, peace-loving people, who are thoughtful and discriminate. Pursed lips warn of miserliness and difficulty expression emotion.
Curvy lips: A curvy cupid's bow signals a refined person who is admired and imitated. They tend to be great flirts who charm their way through life, and adore material possessions.
Turning up or down: Lips which curve upwards convey a positive disposition- while a down-turning mouth hints at discontent and pessimism. Straight lips show self-control.
If you're fashion conscious then you NEED to get one of these bags. They're designed by Anya Hindmarch and went on sale at Sainsbury's for £5. Apparently all the celebs are carrying these crappy bags and loads of stupid women are desperate to have one. Unfortunately, because of my faecally-incontinent granny, we'll forever be using plastic carrier bags....dirty bitch!
LOL I read this ridiculous story today:
An airline pilot tricked a teacher into having sex with him by saying he needed it for medical purposes. He told the woman he had stomach cancer and that his oncologist advised him to have sex twice a day in order to alleviate the pain. He also told the teacher she would be cured of an illness if he rubbed ointment onto his willy and then applied it to her internally. The dumb bitch AGREED to give the pilot £400 for the "medicine".
He denies 9 charges of rape and 11 of obtaining money by deception.
A drunk German horse rider rode into a bank foyer to sleep for the night, after having one too many for the road during a stopover at his local beergarden.
Wolfgang Heinrich, 40, from the German town Wiesenburg, had been riding with his Haflinger horse Sammy when he stopped to have a drink with friends.
But when he left the pub he realised he was too drunk to ride all the way home - and because it was cold, he decided to use his bank card to open up a nearby bank foyer and take himself and Sammy inside to sleep it off.
Heinrich and his horse were found in the early hours of the morning by local man Stephan Hanelt, 36, who came to the bank to take out some money.
He said: 'It was a bit of a shock to find a man and a horse asleep in the foyer of the bank. I rang the police straight away.'
Heinrich was let off with a warning and rode home. But bank staff were less than impressed when they arrived and had to clean up after the horse, who had left a deposit of his own on the foyer floor.
Doggies encouraged to enrol at local college
Cowardly dogs are being taught to face their fears at a special self confidence course designed to bring out the inner wolf.
The course - which has been a sell out success - was organised by animal behaviour expert Marianne Prutsch, who said: 'More and more dogs are scared of their own shadows and the course is designed to make them more self confident and secure.'
KILL KNUT THE CUDDLY POLAR BEAR!
Berlin zoo chiefs have slammed a sick and/or funny (delete as appropriate) internet game that encourages players to kill cuddly-wuddly polar bear Knut.
Go to the site and click "Spielen".
MEN have been asked to rate
erections as either cucumber or banana peel at an impotence clinic
in Singapore.
The brazen soldiers — whose main duty is guarding the Queen — shamelessly expose themselves to the camera and dance half naked while swigging from bottles of Buckfast and cider.
DRUNK Scots Guards stripped off to put on an X-rated display in just their world-famous bearskins and tunics for a shocking home video.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ...!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit-out-of-luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit,
Or be asked to shit
Or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
Buy shit,
Sell shit,
Lose shit,
Find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
Dumb shits,
And crazy shits.
There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
And chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
Sling shit,
Catch shit, shoot the shit,
Or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
Some days are colder than shit,
Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
Things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
Not enough shit, the right shit,
The wrong shit
Or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
Or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Taking a Tinkle
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He says he will give them a clue, "It's what mum calls me sometimes."
The daughter screams and shouts "Don't eat it, it's a fucking arse hole!"
Men, wave your mascara wands with pride!
It seems our department stores are about to be over-run with men buying make-up.
Earlier this year High Street store, H&M, made headlines with the news that they were stocking mascara for men. Apparently 'customers were asking for it in stores'. Those would be the gay guys.
Now, Clinique, one of the High Street's biggest brands, is making its first foray into the male cosmetic market, with M Cover, a concealer for men that launches early May.
Jean Paul Gaultier has a range that includes a bronzing powder, concealer, lipstick and an eyeliner and High Street favourite, King Of Shaves, recently launched a skincare line that includes a self-tan moisturiser, a tinted moisturiser and a mattifying gel.
A showbiz friend told me that Robbie Williams is prone to mascara, that David Beckham wears mascara every day and that Michael Caine was so enamoured of his slightly over-egged mascara in the 1964 film Zulu! that he carried on wearing it in several subsequent movies.
So, will you ever be convinced to wear foundation, concealer, mascara, lippy, eye shadow, nail varnish, and goodness knows what else? I want a man to look like a man, not a fookin' tranny wannabe!
Awww so sweet!
Two sea-otters who were filmed holding paws have become an internet phenomenon after a video of their antics appeared on YouTube.
Nyac and Milo from Vancouver Aquarium were filmed performing the natural behaviour of 'rafting' by visitor Cynthia Holmes five years ago.
This is so GAY!
Check out the video for this tranny called Azis singing No Kazvam ti stiga. Ooh so much flesh on show!
His advisers have alerted lawyers, claiming Roo Unzipped could damage Wayne’s reputation. What reputation? We already know he likes the mature (i.e. vagina dragging across the floor) lady prostitutes.
Wayne Rooney is set to face a legal row over a sensational new book promising to blow the lid on his seedy past of “rough sex” with vice girls.
Man cuts his zizi off at Zizzi
HORRIFIED diners watched in shock as a maniac sliced off his manhood in a crowded pizza restaurant.
The 35-year-old Pole burst into the Zizzi eaterie in central London and grabbed a knife from the kitchen.
He then leapt on a table and dropped his trousers as customers fled screaming.
Surgeons battling to save the severed willy (or zizi in French) tried to sew it back on in the first UK op of its kind.
Quick-thinking cops recovered the organ from the restaurant floor after subduing its crazed owner with CS gas.
The manhood was packed in ice and taken with the man to London’s St Thomas's Hospital.
What could have driven him to do that? Did they put anchovies on his pizza?
Monday, April 23, 2007
FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH MONDAY BLUES
Take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else.
1. Go to < http://www.google.com/> www.google.com
2. Click on 'maps' (possibly under the 'more' tab)
3. click on 'get directions'
4. Type ' New York ' in the first box (the 'from' box)
5. Type 'London' in the second box (the 'to' box)
6. Click 'get directions' again
7 . Scroll down to step # 24
8 . Laugh your head off...
Enjoy.
A woman who has lived through two world wars, 21 prime ministers and who has just celebrated her 102nd birthday puts her longevity down to "eating no veg".
LOL! Crazy bitch!
A frustrated husband has been criticised by an ambulance service after dialling 999 to say his wife refused to have sex with him.
The man, from Reading, said he was unable to woo his partner and dialled 999 for help.
He explained that he was being denied his 'matrimonial rights', and requested that a paramedic crew be dispatched to 'examine' his wife.
A father in Arkansas is looking for $20,000 in compensation for his teenage sons, after they found a book in a public library called The Whole Lesbian Sex Book.
According to Earl Adams, his sons – aged 14 and 16 – were 'greatly disturbed' by Felice Newman's classic lesbian sex manual, described by its publishers as 'the most comprehensive sex guide available for lesbians.'
And now he is demanding $10,000 from the city of Bentonville for each boy. The volume has already been withdrawn from the library shelves, and the director of the library has resigned.
Adams said that the book is 'patently offensive and lacks any artistic, literary or scientific value.'
The publishers note that the critically-praised book covers 'G-spot stimulation, oral sex, vaginal fisting, dildos for fun and fashion, dynamics of butch/femme sex, anal sex, the pleasures of lube and latex, where to cop the best cybersex, and leather, piercings, tattoos, high heels, and other fetishes.'
According to Adams, his teenage boys' discovery of the book was the cause of 'many sleepless nights in our house.' Sleepless nights, yeah right. Sleepless because now they can't stop wanking!
Can I get that book from Amazon.co.uk? I'm curious as to the dynamics of butch/femme sex. Obviously if I was a lezza I'd be butch one. *Wears strap-on*
The Niagara Falls are bathed in maroon and orange light in honour of the victims of last week's Virginia Tech shootings.
Artist Arnd Drossel gets close to nature in his steel ball at the Stukenbrock safari park, in Germany, as part of a project called Inner Balance.
Pirates of the Caribbean 1 & 2 re-enacted by bunnies!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
OLD IS WHEN:
> >
> >
> >1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
> >
> >
> >2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have togo along.
> >
> >
> >3. Getting a little action means I don't need fibre today.
> >
> >
> >4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
> >
> >
> >5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
> >
> >
> >Thoughts for the weekend
> >
> >
> >Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press
> >'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
> >
> >
> >Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
> >
> >
> >If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with
> >something called labour!
> >
> >
> >Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
> >
> >
> >But Most Of All, Remember !
> >
> >
> >A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive,
Comfortable,
> >And Always Close To Your Heart!
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
> >
> >
> >1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
> >
> >
> >2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
> >
> >
> >3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
Awwww
Suri, the baby TomKat smuggled from China.
She's so cute! And I usually hate babies!
Don'tcha just wanna squeeze those cheeks?
"I tried having two men at the same time, and even they couldn't keep up [with me]! For six weeks, I slept in a bed with one on either side of me, and we had a threesome every night with me in the middle. They were wicked, but they bored me after a few weeks."
Lucky slutty! lol
HAVING sex every day could save your life, health experts have declared.
Huge billboard posters showing a naked man embracing his partner ram home the message of a campaign launched yesterday.
The British Heart Foundation said 30 minutes of exercise per day, including love-making, cuts the risk of heart disease and other illnesses.
Tut. Easier said than done! First I need to find a man. And even then, am I still getting exercise if I just lie there and think of England? lol
MADONNA is following in hubby GUY RITCHIE’s footsteps by directing a movie. She starts filming low-budget comedy Filth and Wisdom in London this month. Her last film role was in Swept Away, directed by Guy, 38 — which was slated. An insider said: “Madonna has Guy’s full support. She told him, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better, honey.’” Well, judging by Guy's last film, Revolver, ANYONE could do better. I watched that piece of crap on Saturday night and it was dreadful. It's a film trying to be clever, but soon you end up shouting at the screen: "Just get on with it!!" Luckily I have the ability to multi-task so I was wanking whilst reading OK and half-watching Revolver. So at least I can't say I wasted 2 hours of my life. Moving onto Madge- she can't do comedy (except for wearing leotards so tight you can see her camel toe).
Sunday, April 22, 2007
outfit: nice pic mate
wabbsy: are you real?
wabbsy: lol
outfit: sure
wabbsy: cool
outfit: u
wabbsy: yeah...
wabbsy: I was worried you were one of those
ad-bots
wabbsy: lol
wabbsy: how're you doing then?
outfit: not bad
outfit: u
wabbsy: fine ta...just chilling out. Just what
weekends are for
wabbsy: lol
wabbsy: what've you been upto?
outfit: lookin for a hott bttm to fuck
wabbsy: oh right.....how long have you been
hunting for?
wabbsy: lol
And that was the end of the conversation. LOL
Destiny's Child - Nasty Girl
My favourite lyrics (in bold)
Booty all out, tongue out her mouth, cleavage from here to Mexico
She walks wit a twist, one hand on her hip, when she gets wit'cha she lets it go
Nasty put some clothes on, you look to' down
Nasty don't know why you, will not sit down
Heels on her feet, swear she's in heat, flirtin' wit every man she sees
Her pants hangin' low, she never says no, everyone knows she's easy
Nasty put some clothes on, you lookin' stank
Nasty where's yo pride, you should be ashamed
ENGLAND soccer hero Gary Lineker is secretly dating a model half his age after wooing her with the sexy rhyming slang — "Fancy a crispy duck?"
The saucy text is one of a string from BBC’s Match of the Day frontman to 23- year-old blonde Kate Hallam since they met a year ago.
Ooh I'm going to use that line on someone. It would be even funnier if the other guy says: "Does it come with plum sauce?" Oh yeah baby, the sauce comes from the freshest plums! lol
Saturday, April 21, 2007
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major Leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR (or important facts about Star Wars.) If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.
The manager of an Irish club was talking to a
young player who had applied for a trial with the
club. 'Do you kick with both feet?' asked the manager.
'Don't be silly!' said the trialist.
'If I did that, I wouldn't be able to
stand up, would I!�
A woman walks into a supermarket, and
notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says
"excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was
talking about hecontinued shopping.
A few moments later another customer
approached the man and explained that
his zipper was undone. The man zipped up
and continued his shopping. At the checkout
he ran into the woman who originally informed
him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment: "excuse me maam,
when you noticed my barracks door was open,
did you happen to see a soldier standing
at full attention?" The woman responded by
saying "no, all I saw was a disabled
vet sitting on two duffle bags."Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where
in the hell have you been?"
>>>
>>>Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
>>>
>>>"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
>>>
>>>"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
>>>
>>>"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked. Shaking her head in
>>>disdain she asked, "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
>>>dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
>>>
>>>"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like
>>>to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And,
>>>lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
>>>home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
>>>
>>>Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center, Durham, North Carolina.
Visiting hours are between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m. ICU.
How To Undo Her Bra With One Hand
VideoJug: How To Undo Her Bra With One Hand
LOL! This is a good'un.
It's cool, colourful, totally gay and deliciously sweet, and if that weren't enough, the strawberry daiquiri is also good for your health.
Scientists have found that treating the berries with alcohol boosts their cancer-fighting properties - suggesting that strawberry-based cocktails may be better for us than we realised.
The researchers, who were looking for ways to keep the fruit fresh during storage, discovered that alcohol enhances the strawberry's ability to mop up harmful molecules linked to cancer, heart disease and arthritis.
Well I went to that one-day course in Bristol yesterday. As predicted, I couldn't follow the damn map when I exited the train station. I walked around for 20 minutes in a daze. What made it even more difficult was that the roads were not marked properly. How the fuck am I supposed to follow a map when I don't know what road I'm on?
Pah, there were no hotties there. Universities definitely attract some minging staff. lol
Now I've realised what annoys me a lot- shop talk while I'm eating! I was sat in between two buxom ladies talking about intellectual property. Not that I did any talking; I just smiled and nodded. That was really exhausting and my mouth hurt a lot too. Lunch was pretty impressive: lamb shank, salmon in white wine sauce, and loads of other stuff I couldn't identify. The desserts looked divine. I had a chocolate mousse which was very rich, but unfortunately it was laced with alcohol (well, it was unfortunate for me, but it would've made you alcoholics cum in your panties). I even took a pic of it which I'll put up soon.
And to top it all off, I was stuck with a daddy who just kept rambling. Suppose it was a good thing. Again, all I did was nod and make reassuring "uh huh" noises. He must've thought I was such a good listener, except I can't recall anything he said! Anyway, at the end of the course, he gave me his business card. WHY? Maybe he was being polite, or maybe he wanted the ethnic boy to give him a sucky sucky.
PARKINSON’S disease victims have been warned that a drug could turn them into sex-mad gamblers. Drug firm Pfizer, which makes Cabaser, wrote to British GPs after studies revealed the side-effects. It said the drug could cause “pathological gambling” and “increased libido, including hypersexuality”.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The four women, all from the same family, goaded the youngsters to hit each other in the face. When one refused they called him a “wimp” and a “faggot“. All four - Zara Care, 21, Carole Olver, 48, Serenza Olver, 29, and Danielle Olver, 19, all from North Prospect, Plymouth - who earlier pleaded guilty to child cruelty, were given 12-month The women were each given 100 hours of community service and disqualified from working with children.
A GROUP of women who forced two toddlers to fight and filmed them punching each other until they cried have escaped jail.
sentences suspended for two years at Plymouth Crown Court.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------ -----------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
(1) TURN INTO STONE
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady,
I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady,
I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his ...
4th wife ..... baby doll
3rd wife ..... china doll
2nd wife ..... barbie doll
1st wife ..... panadol
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him "Is It In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of
starch!
(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week !!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!"
(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a petrol station.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of "Playboy" and Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"
(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher : What do you want to become?
Little Johnny : Doctor !
Teacher : Why?
Little Johnny : Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to
off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."
(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Lifeshare - the only agency in Manchester which works directly with young male sex workers has won key funding which allows it to run for a further three years.
Workers at the agency believe that more than 60 young men with many under the age of 16 are being exploited by the sex trade on the streets of Manchester.
It is understood that the boys, many of whom are homeless or living with drug addiction or mental illness, are often befriended by predatory older men who gain their trust.
They are later expected to repay the debt by working as prostitutes - soliciting on the streets, in bars, saunas or even over the internet.
One Lifeshare outreach worker said: “Since 2004, we have come into contact with about 60 young men, aged from 15-24, but there could easily be more doing this to survive.
Erm. Are we supposed to feel sorry for these young sluts? They do it because they love it- and they get paid handsomely. So maybe sometimes they might have to do unpleasant things, such as shitting in punters' mouths, but then they get to eat at the best restaurants, buy the latest designer clothes, go out clubbing each night, and have ass-ripping sex on a regular basis.
A Dallas attorney unveiled a surprise witness in a court dispute with his neighbour: he got his donkey to testify.
Lawyer Gregory Shamoun was in a dispute with his neighbour John Cantrell, an oilman, who had complained that Shamoun had brought Buddy the donkey into his backyard to get back at Cantrell following a dispute over a shed.
Cantrell said that the donkey made a lot of noise, was aggressive, and left piles of manure. 'They bray a lot any time day or night. You never know when they're going to cut loose,' he said in his testimony.
So, in his defence, Shamoun brought Buddy to the stand. Walking into court and wearing an American flag around his neck, Buddy was calm, quiet and well-behaved. He looked the jurors in the eyes, and didn't bray loudly or shit anywhere.
Eww here's Akon, simulating frantic sex with a 14 year old girl on stage in Trinidad. Disturbing........now who wants to do me just like that? lol
If you want to see a (most likely fake) pic of a naked David Beckham, then click HERE.
He's doing nothing for me! *Shudders*
Sex doll for dogs!!!!!!
What is this world coming to?
Is your dog in heat and humping anything it can wrap its horny little legs around? Are you constantly having to pry your promiscuous pooch off the legs of guests, parents and members of your church? Protect your leg from a hump attack by getting Scruffy a Hotdoll. Yes, it's a sex doll for doggies. It's shaped like a dog and it'll allow your tension-filled pet to go to town as much as his little heart desires, humping away until he passes out in exhaustion, leaving a wispy coil of friction-singed dog-fur smoke wafting into the air.
I need a favour!!
My neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.
He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing ,
and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're damn special.
Lorry driver driving down the motorway with a cargo of monkeys he has to deliver them to Chester Zoo, he breaks down stranded on the motorway with the monkeys, his boss has warned him that if anything should happen and the monkeys are not delivered on time he will lose his job.
The lorry driver starts to panic and can not fix his vehicle so flags a lorry down who is passing by.
The passing lorry driver kindly pulls over and gets out “Hi I'm Paddy” (in an Irish accent) what seems to be your trouble?”
The lorry driver explains to Paddy that his lorry has broken down and if he doesn't get the monkeys to Chester Zoo he will lose his job, he offers Paddy £100 to take the monkeys to the zoo, Paddy says “Ah sure, no problem” and loads the monkeys on his lorry and away he goes.
Two hours later the lorry driver is still trying to fix his van when he sees Paddy drive past with the monkeys, he stops him and says: "What the f*ck are you doing, why are the monkeys still in your van. you were supposed to take them to the zoo?”
Paddy looks shocked and says: “I did take them to the zoo but I still have £50 left so I'm taking them to the pictures next”.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "George, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
George says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin' stop clapping, ya arsehole!"
You gotta love the Oirish!
The Real Three Bears Story
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table.
She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For fuck's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only
going to say this one more time...........
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET! ! ! !"
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen..
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone , which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and smiling.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it...Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
I'm going to Bristol tomorrow for a course. Exotic huh? I'm a little bit excited. Though I hope it's not as rough as some people have suggested! Unfortunately I've got to wake up at 4:30am but hopefully the lunch and snacks are up to scratch! I'm expecting a decent spread!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
>"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
>procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
>least 5 pounds."
>When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
>POUNDS!
>"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
>instructions?"
>The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
>going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
>"From hunger, you mean? " asked the Doctor.
>"No",said the Irishman."From from all that fuckin’ skippin' !"
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum,
sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to England" The Frenchman
has a smirk on his face.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and sell the jam to England"
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex
in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
What class are you?
Add up your points:
In the morning you are awoken by the gentle strains of:
a) Radio 4's John Humphrys and Jim Naughtie talking about Jordan's politics. (10)
b) Radio 1's Chris Moyles raving about Jordan's knockers. (5)
c) James, your valet, murmuring a gentle reminder that Jordan's King, Abdullah II, may be dropping by for dinner. (15)
At breakfast you prefer:
a) India tea, freshly squeezed orange juice, then some kedgeree washed down with a spot of fizz. (15)
b) Warm water with a squeeze of lemon juice, fresh fruit, decaffeinated coffee, organic wholemeal porridge. (10)
c) Sunny Delight, Pop-Tarts, Coco Pops and a bowl of Sugar Puffs sprinkled with sugar substitute.(5)
You prefer to answer the call of nature in a:
a) Toilet (5)
b) Lavatory (10)
c) Loo (15)
At home, the central heating is:
a)The latest eco-friendly design with thermostatic controls which maximise fuel efficiency. (10)
b)Usually on full blast. (5)
c)Never turned on until the frosts in December. (15)
Your perfect pair of earrings are:
a) Big-hooped golden ones from somewhere mega-posh like Gucci. (5)
b) Chic, crafty ones from somewhere hip and recherche. (10)
c) Old, diamond ones from the family safe. (15)
Your most oft-repeated catchphrase on your first job was:
a) 'Doors to manual', as an air stewardess.(10)
b) 'Salt 'n' vinegar?' behind the bar at the Dog And Duck.(5)
c) 'No, sorry, can't, that's when Torty and I have our ski break,' as a chalet girl in Klosters. (15)
How many TVs do you own?
a) A crusty old black-and-white number, bought as a novelty item shortly after John Logie Baird invented it. (15)
b) One in the sitting room, one in our bedroom, and one for the au pair. Milo keeps nagging us to get one for his room but he'll have to wait until he's 16 - screens do play havoc with a child's reading development. (10)
c) Er, how many rooms have we got, 'Chelle? Is it ten or 11? Eleven then. Unless you count the new ones we've had put into the back of our car seats, so the kids can stay happy on car journeys. (5)
You refer to your grandmother as:
a) Nan (5)
b) Grandma/granny (10)
c) Tootles/MinMin/Gaia/Toto/ whatever eccentric agenon-specific nickname the old girl prefers: it's not too late, after all, for her to change the inheritance. (15)
You sleep with:
a) Lead-paned windows wide open even when there's a blizzard outside. (15)
b) UPVC windows tight shut and the electric blanket on. (5)
c) Newly installed sash windows, opened two inches, with a burglar lock. (10)
Your culinary role model is:
a) Jamie Oliver (10)
b) Mrs Beeton (15)
c) Colonel Sanders (5)
Your dog is:
a) Your best friend; marvellous with the kids too. (10)
b) Damned fine at retrieving fallen grouse, almost as good as the last one you unfortunately had to shoot because it was worrying sheep on the estate. (15)
c) A Staffy called Tyson, and I shouldn't get any closer mate. He'll 'ave your arm off. (5)
Your favourite wine is:
a) That claret Daddy laid down, now what is its name? Cheval-Blanc '47, or some such. Not that one cares - it's all bloody alcohol isn't it? (15)
b) Chardonnay. What's good enough for Coleen is good enough for me. (5)
c) That rather presumptuous Riesling we picked up in Waitrose last week, with a zingy apple nose and the faint notes of tar, yam and slightly overripe lychee. (10)
Guacamole is:
a) A marvellous avocado dip, which goes perfectly with tortilla chips. (10)
b) Frightful stuff. Can nobody run to caviar these days? (15)
c) Terrible place, where the Americans keep them poor orange prisoners locked up. (5)
Your children are called:
a) Shane, Jordan, Chevelle and Shareen. (5)
b) Milo, Jack, Zac and Poppy. (10)
c) Harriet, Emily, Freddie and Xan. (15)
You dress your salads with:
a) Cold-pressed single estate from Henry and Annabelle's place in Tuscany: £50 a bottle if one ever had to pay for such things. (15)
b) Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Italian Extra Virgin Oil. Bit pricey but you really can taste the difference. (10)
c) Salad cream. Obviously. (5)
The carpets in your house are:
a) Shagpile. (5)
b) Threadbare. (15)
c) Replaced by natural oak flooring. (10)
a) The 1990s. (5)
When travelling by car with another couple, what would the seating arrangements be?
a) Two men in front. (5)
b) Man with his own partner in front. (10)
c) Man with the other partner in front. (15)
At Christmas you spend roughly how much on each of your children?
a) Less than £50. (15)
b) Between £50 and £150. (10)
c) More than £150. Spending on the kiddies. It's what Christmas is all about. (5)
Your house was built in:
The 1890s. (10)
c) 1790s? 1590s? 1190s? Depends which wing you mean. (15)
There is egg on your chin. Do you wipe it off with:
a) A serviette? (10)
b) A napkin? (15)
c) The back of your sleeve? (5)
You will be spending this August:
a) First on the estate in Scotland; then at the house we always take in Rock: the boys do so love the surfing in Polzeath, and Rick Stein's is just a ferry ride across the estuary. (15)
b) Magaluf; Benidorm; San Antonio in Ibiza - anywhere they do proper fish 'n' chips and English lager. (5)
c) Well they do say Croatia's on the up-and-up, though I do worry there might not be enough art galleries for Jonquil and Tarquin. (10)
Your idea of a perfect evening's family entertainment is:
a) Trivial Pursuit. (10)
b) Charades. (15)
c) Everyone on the sofa with their own PSP (PlayStation Portable). (5)
So how did you do?
100 to 125 - You are a fearful oik. The closest you can ever hope of getting to Posh is if one of your children marries into the Beckham family.
130 to 170 - You are lower-middle class. You dream of higher things but you're trying too hard. Maybe you think fish knives are smart (they're not) and you probably pronounce the letter aitch as 'haitch'. Give up now.
175 to 235 - You are desperately upper-middle class. You fret far too much about everything (global warming, your children's manners, how to cook perfect polenta). You are doomed to be sneered at as a poncey imbecile by the lower orders and despised as an incorrigible bourgeois by your social superiors.
250 to 300 - You live in a damp, unheated house. You live like a savage. You are quite possibly the victim of centuries of inbreeding. You are upper class and the perfect match for Wills and Harry.
MORE than 300 - You are hopelessly, irredeemably upper class. Even the vulgar, arriviste Windsor family are too common for you. More likely, you are a huge cheat and a ghastly social climber who looked up all the right answers.
For Republican lawmakers in New York state, the plan to bolster their anti-crime credentials seemed foolproof: send out postcards telling constituents about a phone hotline that warns them of sex offenders in the neighbourhood.
Unfortunately for them, the number they printed on the cards was that of a phone sex line instead.
'Apparently there was an error in the phone number,' admitted Republican spokesman Ed Ward. Instead of the 1-800 code printed on the postcards, the number should have begun 1-888.
'Nassau County Legislator Peter J. Schmitt wants you to be protected from sexual predators,' said the strong message printed on the cards. 'Hey there, sexy guy. Welcome to an exciting new way to go live, one on one, with hot horny girls waiting right now to talk to you,' said the chat line you'd get if you called the number.
Angelina Jolie has revealed she was sexually active in kindergarten, saying she took her clothes off and 'made out' with boys.
The 31-year-old said: 'I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten.
What a ho!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The wooden leg gave way
Heather Mills has taken her first tumble on Dancing With The Stars, an embarrassing slip-up on live TV that may provoke a wry smile from Sir Paul McCartney.
At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07
This will never happen again. Bet you all really wanted to know that.
A lesbian fish fryer sacked after her girlfriend insulted the manager has won £3000 for unfair dismissal.
Having won £3000 she'll definitely be frying her girlfriend's fish to celebrate! lol
I attended an "Equality & Diversity" training course the other day- what a crock of shit!
The course booklet states: "The University of X seeks to create a fair, inclusive culture where everyone feels valued and respected, in which unfair treatment, discrimination, harassment and bullying, where they exist, are eliminated."
Pass me the sick bucket!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Warning About Bacon Grease
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood.
I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
I just threw out my last 2 tbls of bacon grease!!
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you......or them.
Bacon grease will make your feet small!! Warn everyone!!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 OR 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Some dating advice from an American slut who lives in London
British dilemma: How do I get his attention and what do I do once I've got it?
Manhattan rule: Go get him, but make him think he got you
It's not hard to get someone's attention - making a fool of yourself is easy, and he will certainly notice that. The important thing is getting the right kind of attention.
The more attractive a man is, the less available you ought to be. Rule of thumb: the office geek - smile, be accessible and send all kinds of positive signals, including broad suggestions about meeting up some time after work.
Male model type: never make the first move or give signals other than politeness. He will assume you like him, no matter what you do. Be casual and let him work.
British men need more encouragement than New Yorkers and are often afraid to approach women. As an American with an open vagina and big grin, men constantly tell me they felt safe coming up to me - and that's why it happened.
Give the guys a break - it's not easy making the first move.
So now you have his attention, how do you keep his interest? It's an unfortunate truth that men love it if you can cook for them.
NYC girls don't cook - most, like me, use their ovens for extra shoe storage. In Manhattan, you can order virtually any dish and have it delivered in time to appear as if you cooked it.
In Britain, it's not always that easy. So, it's essential that you learn to cook one or two things, especially meat. Steak, shepherd's pie, roast lamb. He'll love you for it - and you can get takeaways the rest of the week.
Also go Brazilian. Waxing is the only way to go and you'll never regret it. Men love it and so will you.
If you are concerned about pain, take two shots of vodka and a Nurofen beforehand. That's been the secret of Manhattan girls for years. It certainly takes the edge off.
British dilemma: What do I do on the date?
Manhattan rule: Let a man be a man
There is one clear rule on which I will not waver: let him pay. Do not assume you are splitting the bill, which is crucial on the first date. You are a lady, he asked you out (if you are playing it the right way) and he should treat you.
Besides, if you are a true NYC girl, you've spent twice the cost of the meal on your bikini wax, pedicure and blow-dry. It comes down to a little role play. If you want to be the girl, then let him be the man.
It's a sign of respect, as if it's a privilege for him to spend the evening in your company and he wants to take care of you, in some way. Let him.
British dilemma: How do I keep his interest?
Manhattan rule: Spread your crazy around.
We all have it - the inner psychotic who lives inside of us. We try to keep her under control, but every once in a while we find ourselves grabbing his mobile and furtively looking for inappropriate text messages from other girls, especially ones with lots of xxxxs at the end.
I advise British friends to date more than one man at a time so whatever is crazy inside them isn't aimed at one guy - spread your craziness around!
If you're dating Mark and James, and Mark doesn't call when he says he will then it's no problem - you can send a flirty e-mail to James.
Or if you're meant to meet up with Dan and he cancels at the last minute, call up an ex you're still friendly with and ask him out for a glass of wine.
I am not suggesting you sleep around, but simply flirting with another man can make you feel great and keep your options and your mind open.
Of course, once you are past the casual dating stage, you may have to rethink the multi-dating approach, but at the beginning, it's good to be busy.
The second most important way to keep your sanity is to make sure you're dating someone who doesn't encourage your inner crazy. Avoid these three types:
THE AMBIVALENT MAN: He wants to marry you one minute and doesn't know if he wants a relationship the next. Push/pull will drive you to insanity.
THE COMMITMENT-PHOBE: He hates to be pinned down and even the smallest expectation on your part will push him away. He doesn't want a relationship, visibly shivers at the thought of planning mini-breaks and refers to marriage as "the M-word"'.
THE SHAMELESS FLIRT: However enamoured with you he says he is, he constantly checks out other women and makes suggestive comments to them - often in front of you. When confronted, he says: "Lighten up. I was kidding."
British dilemma: Should I make the first move?
Manhattan rule: Nothing good comes easy, so why should you?
When a man cancels a date, let him make it up to you. And it is not acceptable, unless he is in hospital or trapped under something heavy, to cancel a date via text.
Under no circumstances track him down to set up the next date. Remember, you are not chasing him.
Don't tie yourself down to one man until you are sure you really like him. In the meantime, date often and date around - don't go exclusive until you're ready, and don't let him have all your evenings.
Keep an air of mystery. You are busy, you have your own life - let him fit into yours.
British dilemma: Is he the man for me?
Manhattan rule: Know what you're looking for
There are three levels of problems in a relationship: glitch, core challenge and dealbreaker.
A glitch is a minor annoyance - snoring, nose hair, loves South Park.
A core challenge is a tough problem, but you can deal with it - for me, a man who loves camping, smokes or wants me to go running with him on Saturday morning.
A deal-breaker is that's it, over and out. (Bisexual, secret drug addiction, or doesn't like to eat.)
The key is to find out what yours are, so you know what you can and can't live with.
Is smoking a deal-breaker or a glitch? Better to know before you fall in love with the guy buying cigarettes next to you in the queue at the newsagent.
Dating's seven deadly sins
Do not constantly ask what he did last night - it sounds needy. He'll tell you if he wants to.
Stop calling him all the time. Women love the phone; men do not.
Don't dig into his dating past. If he says something good about his ex, you'll hate it; if he slags them off, you'll worry he'll say the same about you.
Don't give up your life or your friends. You had a life when you met and he liked that.
Limit your Defining The Relationship conversations. Every man lives in dread of hearing "Where are we going?"
Don't ask if you look fat, are pretty, if he loves you or any other question where there is only one possible answer.
If he is consistently selfish, inconsiderate or mean, this is who he is. Stop making excuses for him.
One of Japan's leading toilet makers has been forced to offer free repairs to 180,000 of its hi-tech lavatories, after three of them caught fire.
Not only did three of the toilets - made by top manufacturer Toto Ltd. - burst into flames following faults with their electronic bidet accessories, but a further 26 started smoking.
'Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries,' spokeswoman Emi Tanaka said.
'The fire would have been just under your buttocks,' she added, reassuringly.
Crazy Indians and their effigies
SHILPA Shetty has sparked fury in India after Richard Gere kissed her.
The US actor embraced the Bollywood star several times at an event in New Delhi to highlight the problem of Aids.
However, public displays of affection are frowned upon in India and crowds have begun burning effigies of the 31-year-old in a move that mirrors the I’m A Celebrity race row with Jade Goody.
They were also beating effigies of married Hollywood star Gere, 57, with sticks.
What's wrong with these people? Whenever they are outraged, the effigies appear out of nowhere! Calm the fook down. You watch Bollywood films showing scantily clad women, dancing provocatively in the RAIN. Don't pretend you are offended by a kiss and hug. Gere hardly fingered her in the ass and gave her a Frenchie.
Eva LongWhoria is a sub!
The actress is a big fan of domination and likes being lashed to the bed with silk scarves. Eva, 32, who plays raunchy Gabrielle Solis in the hit US series, said: “I’m not averse to being tied up — I like a man to take charge. “There’s something very sexy about being submissive.”
KINKY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES star EVA LONGORIA has admitted she loves being TIED UP. 
Virginia Shootings
Another nutter commiting such a heinous crime at Virginia Tech University in Virginia, US.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- you don't NEED guns! Why the fuck don't you just ban them? The Gun Lobby obviously has very powerful friends, but it seems nonsensical that even after these shootings, it is unlikely that the laws will be tightened.
What could possibly have rattled the perpetrator's cage so much that he felt the need to randomly shoot at innocent people? We have gangsters in the UK who are more considerate!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Chinese Detective
LOL I know I posted this before but I like it!
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
Wanna see Jamie Bell nekkid?
He is to take over from Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe in the West End play Equus.
Some fag had a "party" at his house recently. Yeah, a sex party.
So he sent out the following regulations to all participants:
To make things enjoyable for all I would ask you all to read the following and play your part:
Before the 31st March
• Please could you respond to this message and let me know if you intend to come by Saturday 24th Feb. I don’t mind if you can’t make it, I just want to be able to make appropriate arrangements.
• Please don’t ask to bring a friend/neighbour/relative or tell anyone the address!
On the 31st March – arrival
• I will be having a shower and cleaning my teeth before hand. Please do the same!
• Please arrive between 6.00pm and 6.30pm. I will not answer the door after 6.45pm. If you are worried about arriving late then plan to be in Islington early – there are plenty of shops and bars! (Don’t arrive pissed!)
• Press the correct buzzer, I want to keep my neighbours friendly.
• Close the door after you. This also winds up the neighbours! I am on the second floor – please knock.
On arrival
• I will be ticking you off against the list - I want to know who is in my flat!
• I will ask you to strip down to your underwear – I’ll provide a bag for you to put your clothes in. Don’t bring valuables to the party.
• I plan to have some drinks here – beer, soft drinks for people. I’m hoping it will be a friendly atmosphere as well as a sexy one. If you do want something particular to drink then please bring it with you.
• Chat to people – be nice!
During the evening
• Please don’t smoke.
• Please have safe sex – I will have condoms and lube available.
• I’m not your mother – I’m not going to police the party, I would just ask that you respect the flat and my belongings. You are welcome to go where you wish in the flat. We will start in the lounge – but if you want to use the bedroom, feel free. • If you want to use poppers then please bring your own.
• If you wish to use the shower then fine – just don’t hog the bathroom – there’s only 1 toilet.
• Clean up after you – there will be plenty of tissues around – use them.
Leaving the flat
• Feel free to leave at any time. Just close the door after you – the flat door and the front door.
• The party will finish between midnight and 2am. No offence – but I don’t want you lot hanging round all night!
• If you want to go for a drink afterwards then great – I may be up for it. There are plenty of bars nearby, including gay bars.
After the event
• After the previous orgies, I emailed the profile names of those who attended to everyone who came. You’ve seen each other naked by this time – but if you don’t want to be included in this list let me know. You never know, you may meet someone special!
• Don’t complain if you turned up after 6.45pm and couldn’t get in!!
I hope this doesn’t come across as a list of rules – as I say; my aim is for everyone to feel relaxed and have a good time.
Gosh, I didn't know such "events" were tightly regulated.
Tut, no cooked breakfast afterwards? Why bother?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
LOL I just chatted to a guy who told me about his one-night stand at Christmas. He went back to his and they were on the bed with the lights out, and the next thing he knew, he felt a big wet sloppy tongue on his foot, and he kept thinking "how the hell is he doing that?" Turns out the Alsatian was having good lick. Well then he got the giggles and couldn't continue any more!
Tee hee!
I was on the tube this morning and sat next to a guy wearing shorts. *Faints* I'm really loving the summer when the guys all come out in their shorts; their pasty legs finally seeing the light of day.
His legs were soooooo long, muscley and hairy! Perrrrrrrfect! I couldn't even concentrate on this shitty book I was reading; I kept glancing at his leg. lol
Such a shame I couldn't just grab onto it and do a pole dance.
Hmm, I remember years ago I was on the tube and this pensioner literally grabbed my leg (I was about 15 at the time) as the train came to a halt. That's the excuse I'm gonna use when I'm a pensioner, except I'll grab onto the guy's willy instead. Oops!
Tut, I've just spent 20 mins looking for some pics of guys' hairy legs and can't find any! It seems a lot of guys shave their legs? WHY?! If you're gonna shave your legs you might as well tuck your bollocks into your ass and re-name yourself Wendy.
Prepare for a cringe-fest!
Mike Tyson will shake his ass to Bollywood music in a promotional video for a new Indian movie, it's been revealed.
The former world boxing champion will travel to India to shoot a music promo with the cast of the movie Fool N Final, said the film's publicity spokeswoman N Chattani today.
Some sad news....
A elderly couple were killed when the driver of a minibus veered into their car after being stung by a bee.
David Johnson, 66, and his wife Sheila were on the way to their holiday home when they died in the head-on crash.
The bee stung him on his dick causing him to fail to negotiate an approaching bend.Mr Johnson, 66, had no chance of taking avoiding action as the Ford Transit swerved across the road into his path in Shepley, near Huddersfield.
Ahem, was he nekkid from the waist down? Saucy!Friday, April 13, 2007
Lazy cat can't even be bothered to walk!
Bus drivers have nicknamed a white cat Macavity after it has started using the No 331 several mornings a week.
The feline, which has a purple collar, gets onto the busy Walsall to Wolverhampton bus at the same stop most mornings - he then jumps off at the next stop 400m down the road, near a fish and chip shop.
Cute huh? No it isn't! That pussy has probably dribbled a bit of urine on the seat to stake out his territory. He's probably having an illicit affair with a hottie behind the chippie.I don't like cats. They're too independent and have a "talk to the hand" attitude. I want a pet who is obedient, cuddly and adores me every minute of the day. No wonder I can't find a man! LOL
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent numerous times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes
The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country!
For any Kylie fans, these are some promo pics of her swimwear range. I couldn't really give a shit but today is a very slow day and I think this'll be my only post today. I need a day off! lol
Is that even her? She looks like a mannequin.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
A Paedo's Window of Opportunity
A teacher has been charged with attacking a student in a gorilla-style sex stunt.
Harold Skinner allegedly grabbed a 17-year-old boy from behind and demonstrated how a gorilla might have sex.
The student later complained and Skinner has now been charged with simple assault and battery, officials in South Carolina revealed.
Sheriff James Metts said Skinner 'grabbed a student by putting his hands on his torso from the rear'.
The teacher 'then thrust his pelvis into the student several times, acting as a gorilla would act under a sexual-type situation', Mr Metts added.
Flights to America will soon cost less than £7, according to plans announced by Ryanair.
The budget air firm has announced a no-frills transatlantic service to six US airports.
The cheapest fares would be $12, or £6.80, Ryanair chief executive Michael O'Leary promised.
His proposals come a day after a new discount airline called Zoom promised £129 flights between Gatwick and New York.
Sounds great, but I'm afraid US immigration officials might think I'm a friggin' terrorist and be carted off to Guantanamo. No I don't have a crab-infested beard or a prime-time slot on Al-Jazeera but I ain't taking the risk!
Finally, I need to moan about bus drivers. I got to the bus stop just in time this morning; the bus was still stationary but the doors were closed. I ran up to the doors and started waving frantically. That obese cunt of a driver couldn't be bothered to turn his size 20 inch neck to see me. Bitch just zoomed off! Oi stop laughing! lol
Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles
1. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
2. Gun wounds again?
3. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
4. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
5. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
6. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
7. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
8. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
9. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
10.Beat him out of recognizable shape!
11. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
12. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
13. How can you use my intestines as a gift?Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.
Man in who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day (lol!)
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right. War determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nail to build one crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who fish in other man's well bound to catch crabs.
Women and Children First
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
Boy or Girl?
There were women waiting in a doctor's office.
They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."
One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!
Telltale signs for cheating men and women
This isn't a jokey post. But if you're married, you might want to read this.
The cheating man
• Being permanently glued to his mobile phone. Together with a redirection of his mobile phone and credit card bills to his office, this indicates that he has something to hide - and usually it's a new relationship.
• When a man becomes so withdrawn that no amount of coaxing, cajoling or promises of rampant sex can alter his state of indifference. In this situation he has switched off from his wife in anticipation of a new life. A lack of rowing means that he no longer cares and it is probably the end of the marriage.
Other men are cowards when it comes to ending a relationship, so they will try to provoke their wife into ending it for them, or giving him an excuse to walk out. In this case, a man will deliberately start a row about any subject at all - whether it is the state of the weather, friends, family or what's on TV.
• Another favourite for husbands who want out of the marriage is to aim a barrage of
criticism at their wives to erode their confidence.
• New hobbies are a classic sign. If a man needs an excuse to get away to meet his new lover, he is likely to need a valid excuse to get out of the house. So when you think he's off out for a boring game of golf, then watch out.
• Countless women have told me that dramatic changes in hairstyle and grooming habits in a man often spell matrimonial doom, even if it's as harmless as changing a parting from the left to the right or trimming off nasal and ear hairs.
• When men express an overwhelming desire to see their mothers, when previously it was the wife who constantly had to encourage such visits, it can mean another excuse to have an 'away day'.
• Seemingly innocuous visits to solicitors should ring warning bells. Men who want to end their marriage will often seek advice from a lawyer at least one year before.
They want to put in place a game plan to minimise the amount of the wife's settlement.
They will try to reduce the outgoings in the household, increase their debts and loans, and refuse to do any repairs to the home if they think they might be losing it in a settlement.
The cheating woman
• Many women will stockpile sums from the housekeeping for a 'lawyer's fund', which enables them secretly to take advice without their husband knowing.
• A change of appearance and dramatic weight loss is the biggest warning sign, according to most of the male clients I've spoken to. Spending a fortune on a new hairstyle and new clothes is also a strong indication that a woman is trying to woo a new partner.
Many women take to the gym to improve their figures for their new life. They're not going to hook a handsome new bloke if they look like they've let themselves go.
• Plastic surgery has become de rigueur for women intending divorce - so much so that it is becoming normal to include breast enlargements, eye jobs and liposuction as part of the necessary capital expectation arising from a divorce settlement.
Some have it before the divorce comes through, with the promise of the settlement to come.
• When a woman finds ever more bizarre reasons not to have sex with her husband, all is not well. Regularly faking orgasm is also an indicator.
• When a wife's spending habits radically change and she starts to increase the family outgoings beyond reason, she may have received legal advice and be attempting to maximise what we lawyers call her 'lifestyle needs'.
She can then demand monies for these in the settlement.
• A cheating wife may well accuse her husband of having an affair to divert attention away from her own. This tactic is known as 'transference'.
• Women who are intending divorce often seek out their husband's financial information like heat-seeking missiles, going through files, briefcases and Blackberries to stockpile all the information they need to ensure a satisfactory settlement.
There is a truth universally acknowledged that any woman will look a hundred times more beautiful when standing next to a fat friend.
Slim and gorgeous women might surround themselves with equally delectable friends most of the time, but when their confidence needs a boost they will soon roll out their chubby pals.
It's a form of instant therapy, which has the same visual effect as a week on the cabbage soup diet.
Police arrested 23 people in a raid on a Rastafarian Temple this morning.
Search warrants for the premises at St Agnes Place, Kennington, south east London, had been executed under the Drugs and Firearms Legislation and the operation was carried out at 3.10am as part of a joint initiative between police and the local authority.
I didn't know there were Rasta temples. Who do they worship? Lord Doobie? lol
Subject: Fw: *** A Public Health Message. ***
>
>
> It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. Body waste!
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or
filtering and/or fermenting.
>
> WATER = POOP
>
> WINE = HEALTH
>
> Ergo: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water
and be full of shit.
>
> (There is no need to thank me for that valuable information, I'm
doing it as a public service)
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Spelling to get into Heaven
>A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
>Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
>
>She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
>and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
>They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you!
>We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
>
>When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
>place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told
>her.
>
>"Which word?" the woman asked.
>
>"Love."
>
>The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
>Heaven.
>
>About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
>watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
>
>While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm
>surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
>
>"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
>"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you
>were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little
>house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I
>travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went
>water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
>
>"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
>
>"Which word?" her husband asked.
>
>"Czechoslovakia."
>
>Moral of the story:
>
>Never make a woman angry...
>
>There will be Hell to pay later!
That's why I'm a fag.
Women just whine and moan (and I don't mean when they're being fucked either), and pick at every little thing, and will throw a strop if you look at another lady, because she is supposed to be the centre of the universe innit? lol Oh, and they think they're superior to men but they don't realise that men actually let them win arguments because they just can't be bothered.
Women view other women as competition all the time. I've noticed that when I'm waiting for the tube/bus and suddenly a woman walks past wearing nice boots/skirt etc (because as a poof, I notice these things lol), the other women look at her with contempt. I can almost hear them think: "How dare the little whore show off her perfect cellulite-free legs!"
Fuck. Why am I ranting about such trivial matters? Can you tell I'm just bored and have nothing to do at work?
The Priest and The Bishop
> A priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The priest was so
>pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won
again.
>
> The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
>
> The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the
local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.
>
> This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get
>rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in
> a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
> the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
>
> The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
>rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
>
> The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
>
> This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
> The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
>FREE.
>
> The bishop was buried the next day.
>
> The moral of the story is... Being concerned about public opinion
>can bring you much grief and misery... and even shorten your life.
>
> So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone
>else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Lebanese prisoner uses plastic Coca Cola bottles filled with water instead of iron bars to practice inside a Beirut cell.
The detention centre, one of the biggest in the Middle East, holds 4,500 inmates but has a capacity of only 1,500.
A dream for submissives!
A “WOMAN town” where females make all decisions and punish naughty men is being built in mid-China.
The 1.5 square mile Shuangqiao district in Chongqing will have the slogan: “A woman never makes a mistake. A man can never reject a woman’s request.”
It is expected to be a Mecca for women tourists. Tourism chief Li Jigang said: “A disobedient man will be punished by kneeling on a board or doing dishes.”
Hey you! You suck my clit now!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is busy writing songs for MADONNA. The former NSYNC star is collaborating with the Queen Of Pop on her forthcoming album, which is due out in November. Madonna is famous for reinventing herself and this time her album will have a real hip-hop feel. She has lined up a Who’s Who of the genre’s megastars, including Timberlake’s producer pal TIMBALAND to help her achieve R&B credibility. PHARRELL WILLIAMS is already working on at least four tracks and his fingerprints look set to be all over the new release. Hmmm Madge and hip-hop just doesn't go. Remember her shitty rap in American Life? "I'm drinking my soy lattes"? Whatever bitch! lol Oh, and I'm a fan by the way. Ooh I wonder if she's gonna have some black booty bitches wearing bikinis, shaking their wibbly wobbly arses in her music videos? As an example, check this!
Vile! But funny. You have to watch the whole thing!
Now that's karma!
A multi-millionaire businessman who fled to Marbella after infamously using a text messaging service to sack the majority of his 2,700 employees has been killed in a car crash on the Costa del Sol.
Mark Langford, 42, the former head of The Accident Group, Britain's biggest personal injury claims firm, was alone at the wheel of a hire car when it swerved off a main road near the resort on Easter Monday. He suffered head injuries in the crash and died in hospital five hours later.
Staff had received three text messages on their mobile phones, warning them that they should not go into work, that their final salaries could not be paid and that a full explanation would be given by e-mail.
At offices, an answer machine message from the administrators, PricewaterhouseCoopers, said: "All staff who are being retained will be contacted today. If you have not been spoken to you are therefore being made redundant with immediate effect."
It added: "Unfortunately there are no funds available to pay the salaries for May."
One sacked employee said: "I could hardly believe what I saw. There were people walking out of the office with computers. One chap quite high up in the company had loaded up his car with laptops and driven off." LOL!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Breaking News!! Paris reveals her butt cheeks. Oh wait, we've seen it all before....on more than one occasion!
Filthy whore. Cute bunnies though.
Bondage act gone awry
A BONDAGE lover who pretended to hang himself during a sex game died after giving his girlfriend a BLUNT knife to cut him down. Kinky Simon Burley, 38, put a noose around his neck as lover Elizabeth Hallam played the part of a neo-Nazi hangman, an inquest heard. But Ms Hallam said that after he kicked away a chair he was standing on, she could not cut the rope to save him. He died despite the efforts of paramedics at the house in Grimsby, North Lincs. Neighbour Leslie Walker told the inquest she heard arguing. But Ms Hallam insisted it was part of the sex game. Coroner Stewart Atkinson said it was impossible to know if fetishist Simon — who was obsessed with watching women being hanged — knew the knife was blunt.
Are you a wilfer?
BRITAIN is becoming a nation of aimless internet users, spending an average of two full working days a month surfing the web without any real purpose, a study claimed today. More than two thirds of the UK’s 33.7million internet users admit to the newly-identified habit of “wilfing” (What Was I Looking For?), and put their hands up to being regularly distracted when surfing, whether at work or in the home. And almost a quarter of the country’s internet users spend 30 per cent or more of their internet time wilfing - that’s the equivalent to spending an entire working day every fortnight browsing the net aimlessly.
CHILDREN’S charity Kidscape last night hailed the trial for a Sarah’s Law. Director Michele Elliott called it a “massive breakthrough”. Parents will be able to monitor where paedophiles live in three trial areas, one of them in north-east Somerset.
WHAT IS THE POINT?! If the number is zero, there could still be unregistered sex offenders in the area. This is just going to lead to complacency. You can imagine some blonde Essex whore who reads The Sun and tells her friends: "well Sharon, the government says there are no nonces here, so this is a safe area for my baby Chardonnay, innit?"
And even if parents are told that there are ten baby shaggers in the area. So what? What is the parent going to do? NOTHING! Parents will obviously be outraged blah blah blah, but the publication of the details doesn't make any difference. If anything, the parents are now going to be even more stressed out and will probably suspect any man they come across. You know what happens to kids who are overprotected?
When the kids do get out into the real world, they don’t know how to handle it. They sometimes react very seriously. Some have panic attacks and are more likely to have panic disorders when they get older. This is caused by not being able to do things by themselves while they grew up. Their parents are always there making sure they are all right and that they weren’t experiencing any pain or discomfort. When children grow up, they need to make their own mistakes and experience failure a few times. No one is perfect, everyone has to fuck up at some point.
So Faye Turney, the hog that sold her story (about being captured in Iran) to The Sun, is going to give some of any money she receives to HMS Cornwall’s benevolent fund. The rest will go into a trust fund for her daughter. How much is "some"? Personally I think it's wrong of her to sell her story. Does anyone still feel sorry for this woman? I don't give a shit if she is a woman. There were 14 hunky male sailors who also suffered. lol
When you are in the military, it's implicit that you don't speak to the media- about anything! That bitch must have been approached by Max Clifford, the PR guru, who obviously saw how much money she could make.
How can we condemn Iran's use of the sailors as propaganda, when she is effectively doing the same? I'm sure that with the money rolling in, she's going to be forced to sex-up the stories too.
MADONNA, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Razorlight are among the acts taking to the stage for a star-studded concert at the new Wembley Stadium to highlight the threat of climate change (and to sell more records). They will be joined by Keane, Snow Patrol, Duran Duran, the Black Eyed Peas and Genesis for the London leg of the global series of Live Earth concerts which take place on July 7. The other performers announced today for the Wembley event were the Beastie Boys, Bloc Party, Corinne Bailey Rae, Damien Rice, David Gray, the Foo Fighters, James Blunt, John Legend and Paolo Nutini. London is just one of the cities taking part in the event across the globe, along with Shanghai, Johannesburg and Sydney, while there will also be concerts in Japan, Brazil and the US.
DON'T go to this concert. Show the world that you think this whole thing is a PR stunt!
Monday, April 09, 2007
There were two old ladies in the park near here the other day.
A man came and flashed at them.
One of them had a stroke.
But the other couldn't reach.
(Laugh; it's a joke.)
Apologies
I must apologise to Kpy (my Malaysian partner-in-crime) for laughing about his douche and toilet antics.
How can I make this clear?
Me berry berry solly!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the doctor saying, "Dr, Dr, every time I pull down my pants my fanny starts singing "Show Me The Way To Amarillo."
The doctor replies, "There's nothing to worry about... every twat's singing that at the moment..."
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to
heaven; then there's still the flight training to go through. And then
you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9
CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,
"Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.