How To Stop Laughing At An Inappropriate Time

VideoJug: How To Stop Laughing At An Inappropriate Time

Bush puts his foot in it, again!

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Brain transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

How to feel good

1. Create a new file.

2. Name it "George Bush"

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "George Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

Deaf Sex Signals

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or their lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

Jealous guy eats girlfriend's pet

A German bricklayer, who accused his girlfriend of liking her pet guinea pig more than him, killed the pet and turned it into a “romantic” dinner for two.

Lara Hochner, 23, from Darmstadt only found out what had happened when she went to her beloved pet Rudi after the candle-lit meal, to make sure he had enough food and water.

When she realised he was not there, her 29-year-old boyfriend Werner Brenner admitted that the couple had just eaten the animal.

Lara has now moved out of their shared home and lives with her parents, and has started court action against her now ex-boyfriend.

LOL!

Serbian men are swapping their prize cows to get a bigger penis.

The bizarre exchange was revealed by the country's top plastic surgeon Srecko Djordjevic who said dozens of farmers obsessed with the size of their penis had traded in their prize cows for larger members.

He said: "The size of a man's member seems to play a big role in our society and the price of the operation, around £400, is almost exactly what a good cow is worth - so farmers are choosing to swap a cow if it means a bigger penis."

The urologist, who is based in the central town of Kragujevac, told the news agency Sina that the only problem had been that some farmers had unrealistic ideas of what they could get for their money.

He said: "Some of them want to add 10 centimetres and that is just not possible - at least not for just one cow."

10 centimetres! Greedy Serbs! I for one wouldn't change my button mushroom for anything.

Oi KPY, would you give up your noodle for bigger willy?

I feel like chicken tonight!

Zoo-keepers in China say they were shocked when a group of tiger cubs made friends with some newborn chicks.

Workers at Zhejiang Wenling Zoo in Taizhou city put the chicks in a cage with the four month-old tiger cubs.

A zoo spokesman told People's Daily: "We wanted to bring out the savage nature of the tigers while they were still cubs."

But keepers were surprised to see the tigers initially shy away nervously from the chickens.

"Then in no time, they started playing together. Maybe in their eyes, there are no enemies, only friends (until they are hungry)," added the spokesman.

Bradley Cooper

He's lurvely! *Wanks furiously*

Olympic Water Polo Team

Embarrassing Illnesses

Watch tonight's episode of Embarrassing Illnesses.
It features a woman with asymmetrical boobies and another woman with ingrowing pubes! Eww!


Here's a graphic explanation:

A pubic hair that grows at an abnormal angle and turns back into the skin, causing the formation of a pustule or papule, a small, solid inflammatory elevation of the skin that can become infected. Inspect the area with the help of a magnifying mirror to see if the hairs are curling inwards. Look for tiny yellow pustules, and redness and inflammation around the hair follicles or the tips of the ingrowing hairs – this could mean infection with staphylococci bacteria. Dab on a mild antiseptic such as tea tree oil and stop shaving – if it doesn't improve after a few days, see your GP as you might have a fungal infection.

Tonight at 20:00 Channel 4.

Cool hand shadows

Animal shadows

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor."I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!!!"

Egyptian Name Translator

Egyptian Name Translator

Check out this one-legged man dance!

Fuck the G-string; make way for the C-string!

The C-string consists of the front part of a thong-style pair of knickers, held up with a little bit of wire at the back. The idea is that you pop it on, and it stays put. Think of an unevenly shaped wired headband, and you’re half-way there — the name derives from the C shape. Then imagine wearing it on your bottom.
The manufacturers suggest that you wear it with outfits that might show a panty line, or even as swimwear so that you don’t get tan lines across your bottom.

You'll probably have mincing queens in Soho wearing these. They don't wanna show their panty line after all. lol

A German MP has resigned after admitting lying about his participation in sex parties with prostitutes laid on for himself and other union leaders at Volkswagen.

Hans-Juergen Uhl perjured himself in sworn affadavits in which he declared he never attended the orgies VW bosses threw in an attempt to get unions to agree to changes in working conditions.

Oooh, maybe London Underground bosses should do the same for Tube drivers to persuade them not to strike!

AROUND 12 per cent of Brits never brush their teeth, a poll reveals.

And those that do are also guilty of neglecting their gnashers.

Research by the British Dental Foundation found only 30 per cent said they brushed for two minutes — compared with 47 per cent last year.

And 17 per cent could not remember changing toothbrushes.

Others admitted using items such as drill bits and saws to floss with.

No wonder we Brits have a reputation for bad teeth.

English rugby players having a bath together. How sweet!

Eww I was on the bus this morning and the guy next to me was wearing a tank top and every time he exposed his armpits, I got a waft of pungent body odour. I thought I was going to faint. The oxygen in my area of the bus was definitely depleting rapidly. What is wrong with people?!!!! Have a fucking shower before you leave your house! Or at least have the courtesy to use some deodorant. Now sweaty smells can be a turn-on (as long as it isn't so strong it makes you want to retch) but I don't need that kind of onslaught first thing in the morning.

Big Bro Commentary

The twins: Ugh, they're annoying giggling blonde sluts sucking lollies and they hate chavs.

Leslie: A 60 year old retired head hunter. Ooh, she'd make a good dominatrix. I like her already.

Charley: Former lapdancer but now she's unemployed. I wonder why. A bitch with attitude. She dislikes vegetables (unless she's sticking 'em up her pussy). LOL she's brought 60 pairs of knickers! Does she have a very weak bladder or summat?

Tracey: She sounds like a bloke. A 36 year old cockney woman who uses the word "buzzing" a lot. Me thinks she's popped a few pills! She definitely isn't a girly girl. I like her eccentricity.

Chanelle: A name like Chanelle and she isn't even an Essex girl! Urgh, she's based her looks on Skeletor (Victoria Beckham).

Shabnam: The obligatory ethnic. Wears crazy make-up and loves listening to her ipod on the loo while she's having her period. Her nickname is Shabbalicious. Hehe!

Emily: Posh girl from Bristol with loads of money and apparently has a few brain cells too.

Laura: Welsh girl with big boobies.

Nicky: A Catholic adopted from India. She drinks, smokes and is doing her best to show there's nothing ethnic about her apart from her skin colour. She hates men and appears to be a miserable cow.

Carol: 57 year old divorced bisexual from East London. She takes part in a lot of demonstrations and has been arrested a few times.

DAMN! No male housemates until Friday!

I need to moan. My fucking dad has been eating my sandwich fillers again. I know I know, it may seem so trivial, but the only opportunity I have to buy it is on the weekend and I use it to make my packed lunches for the rest of the week. So when he starts eating it and not replacing it, am I supposed to eat margarine sarnies? Grrrrrr! This is one of many reasons why I'd love to move out so no one eats my stuff!
Future husbands beware: whilst I generally like to share, just don't eat my food without my permission. lol

Ooh Big Brother is on now.....let the freak show commence!

For the techie in you

Microsoft has unveiled a new touch-sensitive coffee table-shaped computer called "Surface".

Designed to do away with the need for a traditional mouse and keyboard, users can instead use their fingers to operate the computer.

Also designed to interact with mobile phones placed on the surface, Microsoft says it will initially sell the unit to corporate customers.

These will include hotels, casinos, phone stores and restaurants.

So-called "multi-touch" interfaces - which allow the user to "gesture" with several fingers at once to manipulate data, rather than relying on a mouse and menus - have been making waves in tech circles for some time.

With a 30-inch screen, Surface will initially sell for between $5,000 and $10,000 (£2,525-£5,050).

However, Microsoft said it aimed to produce cheaper versions for homes within three to five years.

Skinny Dipping & Old Men

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

Rude Pics

Adam Levine (Maroon 5)

Hayden Christensen

Does he do anything for you? Ooh a teeny bit of chest hair.

Another vile pic of Beth Ditto

I hope this hasn't put you off your muesli.

Beth Ditto stripped off to pose for this week’s edition of rock bible NME – and she used the occasion to have a rant about size zero celebs.

Beth said: “If there’s anyone to blame for size zero, it’s not women.

“Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry who want these women as dolls."

Oh shut up, bitch! You women are all insecure about your bodies. It's got nothing to do with fags. You look at women in public places-the Tube, on the street, in the park, on the beach, with pert breasts, long legs, and a tight ass and you're instantly jealous. You even aspire to have a perfectly symmetrical vag! What's that all about?

Geriatric workers at Tesco are being given a guide to youth slang – to help them understand younger colleagues and customers.

Key phrases in the guide include:

• A and B the C of D: Above and Beyond the Call of Duty
• Am I bovvered?: I don’t care
• B in the D: Back in the Day
• Bad: Good NB: this can also mean bad; when in doubt, just nod
• Ballin’: Doing well
• Blood: Mate, chum
• Brotha: Mate
• Buggin: To act crazy or strange
• Cane: To do something to excess
• Cuss: Defame
• Homeboy: A person who’s there for you like a brotha
• How’s it hangin’?: How are you today?
• Innit?: Isn’t it? Is it?: You know? Oh, really?
• Is it blood?: You know, mate? Oh, really, mate?
• Laters: Cheerio, goodbye
• Minging: Ugly, unattractive
• Nark: Annoy
• Old skool: Old fashioned, dated, retro (can be derogatory or not) NB: This is not your alma mater, that is Old School
• Phat: Wicked, cool
• Rank: Disgusting, horrible
• Slammin’: Pleasing to the eye
• Safe: That’s OK
• Safe blood: Brilliant, my brotha
• Sound: That’s good, jolly good
• Talk to the hand!: I’m not listening
• Vexed: Stressed
• Wack: Weak, boring
• What you chattin’ about?: Shut up, you’re talking rubbish
• Where it’s at: The coolest place to be
• Word: I understand, really
• You get me?: Do you understand?

From The Sun:

A VILLAGE was sealed off yesterday and the bomb squad called in to explode a buzzing parcel — which turned out to be a vibrator!

Post Office staff dialled 999 when the package started making a noise.

Cops shut the main road in Hasland, Derbyshire, and told residents to stay indoors. Pub boss Steve Chapman said: “We thought terrorists had infiltrated the village.” Stupid man. As if terrorists would want to waste their bombs attempting to destroy a sleepy village in the country.

Ewww

AN animal rights activist ate a CORGI dog in a radio show stunt last night.

Mark McGowan, 37, snacked on the Queen’s favourite breed after it had been cooked and served with herbs in pitta bread.

John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono, 74, who was a guest on the show, also tasted the dog meat (well, she would!).

Veggie performance artist Mark admitted: “It’s really, really disgusting. It’s stinky, it’s not like any meat I’ve seen.

Mark claims he is protesting at Prince Philip allegedly beating a fox to death at the Sandringham royal estate in January.

My work colleague always comes out with some strange and funny stories. Yesterday she said that when she lived in student halls of residence, she thought it very strange that her housemate from India had a LOT of male visitors (I'm jealous already). Later it transpired that the girl was a whore! I didn't know students were resorting to prostitution to pay their way through university.

Oh, and my colleague's friend rang her yesterday saying that one of the "terror suspects" on the run (Ibrahim Adam) used to sit next to her at school. It's quite funny that he appeared in the school yearbook as the person most likely to be a terrorist!
On a more serious note, I wish people would realise that they are not convicts! No case has been proven against them, and yet they are forced to remain under curfew? It's a basic tenet of British justice that a suspect is innocent until proven guilty.
The bloody government and media over-use the word "terror" to scaremonger the dumb Sun readers into thinking they actually are terrorists.

If the CPS can't even bring a case against a suspect because of a lack of evidence, how can we justify restricting his freedom "just in case" he does something bad. That is not good enough!

Quick! Kick me in the 'nads!

GUELPH, Ontario (AP) - Police in Ontario are looking for a man who allegedly approached women and asked them to kick him in the groin.

Three women reported similar incidents to police over the past two months, and two of the women reported the suspect was on a bicycle. None of the women reported injuries.

Police Sgt. Cate Welsh said Monday the man's request is not a crime, but they are concerned nonetheless.

"That kind of behaviour tends to be a precursor to sexual assault. That's what we're trying to determine," Welsh said.

An elephant in eastern India has sparked complaints from motorists who accuse it of blocking traffic and refusing to allow vehicles to pass unless drivers give it food, a newspaper reported on Monday.

The Hindustan Times said the elephant was scouting for food on a highway in the eastern state of Orissa, forcing motorists to roll down their windows and get out of the car.

"The tusker then inserts its trunk inside the vehicle and sniffs for food," local resident Prabodh Mohanty, who has come across the elephant twice, was quoted as saying.

"If you are carrying vegetables and banana inside your vehicle, then it will gulp them and allow you to go."

If a commuter does not wind down his window or resists opening the vehicle door, the elephant stands in front of the car until the driver allows him to carry out his routine inspection.

Forestry officials told the newspaper that the elephant is old and is therefore looking for easy food.

"So far, it has not harmed anybody," said Sirish Mohanty, a forest ranger working in the state.

"We are telling commuters regularly not to tease the elephant. But if people don't heed to our advice and harass the tusker, then it can retaliate."

Some pics for you pervs to gawp at

"Look at my butt. I've got a great black girl's butt. You'll never hear me wishing I had a smaller butt. The bigger the better"- Kylie

Er, excuse me honey, but you don't have a black girl's ass. A black girl would spit at your bony white ass!

These two lovelies have names, but do we really care?

Indian Bohemian Rhapsody

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras .
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me,
>>and we could all use a little more calmness in our
lives?
>>
>>By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday , I
>>have finally found inner peace,
>>
>>The phone in show was talking about the potential damage to our
>>health of the stress we have in our lives. Dr Phil proclaimed "The
>>way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
>>started and never finished."
>>
>>So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I
>>had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I
>>finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
>>bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a
>>packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription,
>>the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates............
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!!
>>The man is a genius!

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

ESSEX HURRICANE & EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
>
>A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on
>the Richter Scale hit South Essex in the early hours of Friday with its
>epicentre in Southend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly,
>muttering "Faaackinell".
>
>The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.
>Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
>Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
>cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros
>arrived. Essex FM reported hundreds of residents were confused and
>bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
>something interesting had happened in Southend. However, looting,
>muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
>
>One resident - Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It
was
>such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
>bedroom crying. My two youngest, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria Storm slept
>through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and
>watching Trisha the next morning".
>
>The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny
>Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are
>still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
>personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
>Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
>
>HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
>This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
>unfortunate enough to be caught up on the disaster. Clothing is most
>sought after - items most needed include:
>
>* Fila or Burberry baseball caps.
>* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers).
>* Shell suits (female).
>* White sport socks.
>* Rockport boots.
>* Any other items usually sold in Primark.
>
>Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>Required foodstuffs include:
>
>* Microwave meals.
>* Tins of baked beans.
>* Ice cream.
>* Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
>
>22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips,
>crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5 buys a packet of B&H
and
>a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
>
>****Breaking News****
>
>Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
>"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked. "ROMFORD" said the girl.
"Woss
>that gotta do wiv you?"

This comes from an actual instruction book for a dishwasher

THERE ARE PROBLEMS WHEN OPERATING THE DISHWASHER

FAULT

THE DISHWASHER DOOR HAS NOT BEEN PROPERLY CLOSED



SOLUTION: CLOSE THE DOOR



FAULT

THE MAIN PLUG IS NOT PLUGGED IN

OR

THE FUSE HAS BLOWN IN THE HOUSEHOLD FUSE BOX



SOLUTION: INSERT THE MAINS PLUG

OR REPLACE THE FUSE



FAULT

THE WATER TAP IS TURNED OFF



SOLUTION: TURN THE WATER TAP ON

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews and testing there were three finalists, two men
and one woman. For the final test, a CIA agent took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. Kill her."

>>> >The man exclaimed, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife!"

>>> >The agent responded, "Then you are not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."

>>> >The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
camemout with tears in his eyes and said, "I tried, but I can't kill my
>>>wife."

>>> >The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

>>> >Finally it was the woman's turn. She was instructed to kill her
>>> >husband.

>>> >She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another, and screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. Then, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly. There stood the woman. As she wiped
sweat from her brow she said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to
beat him to death with the chair instead."

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
>>the biggest house adjacent to the course.

>> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
>>to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy
>>drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and
>>knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

>> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
>>glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
>>side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch
>>asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

>> "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
>>replied.
>>
>> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
>>see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
>>years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
>>give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
>>for myself."

>> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
>>blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
>>life."
>>
>> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
>>can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young
>>lady,what do you want?" the genie asked.
>>
>> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
>>country in the world," she said.
>>
>> "Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always
>>be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>>
>> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish,
>>genie?"

>> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
>>with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
>>your wife."
>>
>> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
>>we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
>>
>> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
>>right.
>>
>> Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
>>about you, honey?"
>>
>> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
>>same for you!"

>> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
>>rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
>>
>> After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over
>>and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and
>>your husband?"
>>
>> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

>> "No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you
>>still believe in genies?

Miss USA Tumbles On Her Ass

Miss USA Falls
Uploaded by TheDlisted

And her fake smile hardly faltered.

Apprentice contestant Katie Hopkins isn't just reserving her villainous routine for television.

The reality TV star is not winning over any fans with her equally unimpressive behaviour behind the scenes.

She was recently caught in an embarrassing romp in a field with a married former colleague, Mark Cross.

Awww a tender embrace. I like that.

A Parachute Regiment recruit was subjected to a sex attack filmed on a mobile telephone, it was reported today.

The trainee soldier is shown in the two-minute video being held down while another person attempts to rape him.

During the footage it is claimed the trainee Para is taunted for being gay and after the alleged assault ends up curled on a bed crying: "Help me."

The alleged attack happened at Catterick Garrison in North Yorkshire last month and came to light when a mother was shown the images by her son, a soldier, and alerted military police.

Tragic....and how DARE you get turned on! Anyone got the video footage?

So, everyone is in uproar that Channel 4 will be showing pictures of the dead Princess Diana in the car crash. You can bet it'll be those complainers who will be watching it! Hypocrites!

Here's the pics, in case you missed 'em.
She doesn't look too mangled.

Swimming Tiger-amazing (and a bit scary)

Forget Boots' Protect & Perfect, here's a better rejuvenating skin treatment. Slap some shit on your face! It'll do nothing for your social life but at least you'll have skin as soft as a baby's ass!

Nightingale poo applied in a 90- minute facial, is packed with guanine – a component of DNA which heals the skin, experts claim.

The treatment has already been used by Japanese geishas to remove make-up and leave the skin silky smooth, while monks polish their shaved heads with the droppings.

But, before you squirm at the thought of people scraping up bird excrement from city pavements or car windscreens, the poo is thoroughly purified before being lathered on to your face.

'The droppings, which are applied as a mask with Japanese white clay, are completely safe and treated under UV light to remove bacteria,' said Hari Salem, owner of Hari's in Knightsbridge, West London.

'We have been trying the nightingale facial out and it has been an unbelievable success for treating tortured, dull and Sun-damaged skin.

'The treatment was pioneered by the Geisha girls of Kyoto. It is an ancient tradition that goes back centuries and is totally organic,' he added.

The salon has introduced other radical treatments – including bull semen.

Afarm in Cheshire supplies the thoroughbred semen – which is massaged into dry, coarse hair to provide it with protein.

The making of a drag queen in three minutes

The music is coooooool!

Siobhan Donaghy-Ghosts

Remember the redhead who used to be a Sugababe? Her second album is out soon and I've just heard this song. WOW! I can't understand a word she's singing but I'm just loving it!

Mutya Buena- Wonderful

Naughty Doctor

Wrong Gift

Wrong Gift - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

Complaint Department

Stick People

More Hugh Jackman Pics

WOOF!

For Madonna fans

Terrible acting of course, but it's funny when she's flung around in the car and the end is especially good.

My whinge of the day

Bluetooth headsets.

My Dad bought one the other week and I just cringed. THEY LOOK FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!! I'm tempted to just pull it off!

How lazy can a person be if he doesn't even want to pick up the handset? Are these the same people who are too lazy to wipe their ass properly so they leave skid marks on their panties?

The only time it is acceptable to wear one is if you work in a call centre or if you are driving.

At this rate, colostomy bags will be
de rigeur. Eww, I just Google'd "colostomy bags" and the first result was a page from Cancer Research with the title: "How can I stop my colostomy bag from smelling?"
The answer? "This depends on why it smells in the first place." D'uh! lol

Cute Froggies

Baby Corroboree Frogs walk across the gloved palm of reptile keeper Stuart Kozlowski at Taronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia. Around 130 of the endangered frogs are housed in a purpose built quarantine facility at the zoo to keep a safe population for genetic diversity.

A couple go on their honeymoon, but the lady is a little shy. After much dancing around the subject she finally admits that she thinks her hole is too big for her man.

He tells her she's being silly and after much coaxing she agrees to show him. And it's enormous!

The guy is so shocked he advises her to go to the doctor, and she gets in the next day.

When she gets to the doc's she explains the problem and he's very understanding, saying a lot of women feel this way but it's mostly their imagination.

So she gets on the examination table and puts her feet in the stirrups. The doc takes a look and then lets out one long whistle.

"I'm afraid to say that is the largest female sexual part I have ever seen," says the medical man. "So big I can not imagine how it got that way, and I've been a gynecologist for 22 years. There must be a medical reason, but I can't think of it," he admits.

The women blushes slightly and tells the doctor she knows. "When I was younger, I went on a holiday in India. And while I was there, I, ...well... I had sex with an elephant."

The doctor was obviously shocked but he said "I know that an elephant has a big penis, but it's still not big enough to stretch you that large."

"I know..." said the woman sheepishly. "But I let him finger me first."

• Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. --Manchester Evening News
• At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. --Aberdeen Evening Express

Messages from Tube drivers:

• Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.

• Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.

• We are now traveling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.

• Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.

• Let the passengers off the train first! (Pause). Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home.

• Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.

• Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.

• We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.

• To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?

• Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!

• May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." --London Daily Telegraph

FIREMEN ripped apart a flat yesterday to rescue a 40-stone mum stuck in her loo for FOURTEEN hours.
A shocked relative found her at 10am and rang 999.

Paramedics unable to budge her called the fire brigade, who brought in power tools, hammers and chisels.

It took four more hours for 15 firefighters to cut away the toilet door, its frame and an interior window to reach the woman.

Fire service spokesman Mark Jones said of the rescue: “It was quite a job.

“There was a lot of huffing and puffing from the men involved.” LMAO!!! Lucky bitch was rescued by all those firemen. *Sigh*
Perhaps I'll wedge my fat ass in the bog tonight....

Just hangin' out

Do not shit in the woods

Funny Answers From Real Students

1. What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

2. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

3. What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

4. How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

5. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

6. What is the fibula?
A small lie.

7. What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.

8. What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

9. Give the meaning of the term "caesarean section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

10. What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

11. What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport

12. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

14 Reasons To Allow Drinking On The Job

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Random Filth

Urgh, that's a clam?

Love Story

I will seek and find you . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you


I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.


I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and

decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife

decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,

and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up

alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start

at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says

the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could

start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also

think. Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers. If you receive

this, you know you're intelligent

Gethin Jones- Blue Peter Presenter!

Ooh'er, what's going on 'ere then? Waxing his butt? Noooo leave it on!

Treatment for your wobbly butt

Forget dieting and exercise - the newest way to shed unwanted inches has arrived in the form of a pair of Bridget Jones-style pants.

The brainchild of one of Italy's leading plastic surgeons, Professor Marco Gasparotti, the LipoContour pants claim to take inches off your hips, thighs and bottom and reduce cellulite in just four weeks.

The pants' creators say their double-layered fabric provides a constant "micro massage" in problem areas, helping to break down cellulite and improve circulation.

LIPOCONTOUR pants cost £49.95 and are available from www.healthwholesaledirect.com or telephone 0845 003 1500

A video of two lovers caught in the act on top of a London building has spread like wildfire hitting inboxes across the the world.

Staff at Soho production company, MJZ, filmed the pair engaged in some nookie on Wednesday afternoon and then posted the video on You Tube.

A producer at MJZ said she was shocked to look out from her 2nd floor window and spot the pair engaged in their sunshine romp.

She said: "I was working away and looked up and saw this bloke and a girl in the doggie position going at it on top of a building across the road.

"I couldn't believe it, I started laughing and shouted to a couple of my colleagues and then one of the girls grabbed a camera and began filming it.

"They were going at it for a good ten minutes but stopped a few times in between for a well earned break."

The video is hardly riveting, but if I was there I'd have made sure they could hear my laughs!

OOOH the boyfriend got caught red-handed!!!

I love the scary dominatrix! lol

Hello. Just a quickie to say there'll be no posts tomorrow 'cause I'm going to Brummie Land for another course! It means I've got to wake up at 4:30am and I'll get home around 8:30pm. I'll be too knackered! Byeeeeee xxxx

Nice legs David Duchovny

Andy Coley Rugby Player

Rude Pics

Mick let bees sting his dick!

Mick Jagger reportedly tried to enlarge his penis by letting bees sting it.

The Rolling Stones frontman, whose "small penis" was mocked by a former lover, covered his manhood in bees in the hope that their stings would cause it to swell.

Film director Julien Temple, revealed how the ageing rocker attempted to use the ancient Amazonian marriage ritual while filming scenes for 1982 movie 'Fitzcarraldo'.

He said: "It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think."

Give the bees a break: they may not have increased the size of his willy, but they sure as hell did a great job on his lips! lol

Don't mention the veil issue ever again!

Another Tranny Story

A COMPANY boss lived a double life as a cross-dresser who flashed at terrified women, a jury heard yesterday.

By day Michael Willshire was the respectable managing director of an aluminium tubing firm.

But at night he donned stockings and suspenders, wigs, high heels and dresses beneath an overcoat and exposed himself to females, it was said.

Willshire, 47, allegedly terrorised the seaside town of Swanage, Dorset, for a two-year period.

Two alleged victims said the boss — a local amateur dramatist — removed his clothes in such a “theatrical” way that they thought it was a fancy dress prank so they clapped and cheered.

They only realised their error when he committed a lewd act, Bournemouth Crown Court heard.

One teenage girl said the flasher ran away from her “like a girl” with his legs splayed out.

Willshire was allegedly caught when another victim’s dad saw him fleeing and pinned him against his Audi TT car.

Police arrested him and found him wearing suspenders and white jazz dance shoes, it was said.

Willshire, of Swanage, denies four charges of exposure. Trial continues.

Fancy being a mole?

WHO is the mole in your workplace?

The person sitting opposite might be a lowly work colleague but he or she might also be an internet spy – reporting on your every move.

Office moles are appearing all over the UK, helping - or scaring away - job hunters from taking up a position in their company.

So if you roll up an hour late every morning or have serious personal hygiene issues then, unbeknown to you, it could make all the difference as to who the next new recruit will be.

It’s all part of a revolutionary new recruitment scheme to help people find the right employment and if it takes off, it could even be encouraged by employers.

Kristian Hall and Oliver Perry are the 20-something entrepreneurs behind thecareermole.com and they estimate that seven million workers are trapped in their jobs.

They decided to set up a web site that would allow job hunters to anonymously contact existing staff members and find out the inside track on the working environment.

The unique network of insiders - known as ‘moles’ – can operate in any business in Britain, from the Houses of Parliament to a van hire company.

Once in touch, applicants can meet with the mole to discuss the finer details and allow them to make an informed decision before going for a formal interview.

It also gives the mole the chance to refer suitable candidates to his or her boss, so they can pocket a fee - just like a recruitment agency.

You can sign up for free as a career mole or candidate by logging on to www.thecareermole.com.

Commercial Closet - the non-profit "non-watchdog" group dedicated to celebrating and chastising pro and anti-gay ads, respectively - has announced their nominees for the 2007 Images in Advertising Awards.

Faggy Flamingos Adopt A Chick

A pair of gay flamingos have become proud foster parents after adopting an abandoned chick.

Carlos and Fernando were so desperate to start a family that they resorted to stealing eggs at the Wildfowl & Wetlands Trust in Slimbridge, Gloucestershire.

So, when a chick was abandoned last week, staff put it inside a false egg and gave it to them.

I'm surprised any flamingos are straight!

I attended the course today. For once, it was actually relevant to what I do.
The usual thing happened: as the delegates arrived, they just went to get their coffee and made no attempts to actually say hello to anyone else. I was quite impressed with the venue- the London Marriott Kensington. I've always said you can tell a lot about a hotel by the state of their loos. So in I went. Nice mood lighting to assist excretion. I went into the first cubicle and shock horror, it was like being back in India! Fucking loo was blocked! It was sooooo disgusting. Not a good first impression. After I got over the shock I was pleasantly surprised that as well as liquid soap they also had hand lotion!!! God I'm easily impressed. lol
My first impression of the delegates was that they were certainly more polished than people who work in universities. Yes, I felt like a right slob next to the sharp suits. Mmmm have I mentioned my suit fetish? lol. Hip hip hoooooray! There was one cute guy there! A Scot! But when I heard him talking to someone else, he sounded like a right miserable git. I still liked the accent though. I surreptitiously took a pic on my phone too. When I get around to uploading it onto my computer I'll show you, although it isn't very clear.
Although the course was good and it kept my attention for most of the day, I was annoyed at the two bitches at either side of me tapping away on their Blackberries.
I've saved the best till last. The food! I'm such a pig. I ate everything on offer! My diet truly went right out of the window. There were endless pastries..pain au chocolat etc. Lunch was a big disappointment. They had a strange menu: it consisted of Cumberland sausages, pasta arrabiata, salmon and risotto, and baby potatoes. What kind of fucked up combination is that? Dessert was creme brulee (yum!) and fruit salad (boring!). During the afternoon tea break they served salmon and cream cheese canapes and more pain au chocolat. It would be rude not to eat both. lol
So now I'm a stone heavier and will have to starve myself tomorrow. Grrrr. No wanking tonight either. I couldn't manage it last night. Someone gimme some wank material! I'm starting to think I'm impotent! Stephen Devereau is doing his best to send me rudey pics- thanks Stephen!

Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Truly awful joke:

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew o ut .
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?




The bee answered, "BP."

Comedienne and Miss Great Britain host Joan Rivers attacked the beauty pageant's contestants, dubbing them "morons." The acid-tongued 73-year-old, who presented the ceremony yesterday, claims the finalists were stupid, too thin and "tramps."

She told Michael Parkinson at the weekend, "Those poor bitches! They are taking it so seriously! And they are morons! Collectively they're all so thin they look like a reunion of Schindler's List! 'Does this tampon make me look fat?' Someone said as a judge we're there to encourage them, you know, and they said learn their names and there are fifty women so I figured out if you want someone you say, 'Hey tramp!' And they all turn round!"

Flames come off a stunt runway model during the 2007 World Stunt Awards in Los Angeles.

JURORS yesterday inspected samples of pubic hair from a cop accused of pleasuring himself next to a female suspect in a police car.

She alleges seeing blond hair around PC Richard Bowen’s manhood.

Swansea Crown Court heard the defence and the Crown disagreed on its colour. Bowen, 31, of Cardigan, west Wales, denies misconduct in public office and sexual assault.

Poor jurors.

I'm on a course tomorrow so there'll be no posts during the day. The course is on legal drafting which is something I do in my job so that means I actually have to pay attention and not sit at the back and catch up on some sleep.
I'm having high expectations for this course. Firstly, the course costs £800, which means the quality of the course materials should be good; secondly, the course is being held at the London Marriott, which is supposed to be a nice venue; and thirdly, the food should be up to scratch. I'm not talking posh nosh, 'cause I'm a bit common, but equally I don't want poxy sarnies either! Ooh and the quality of the delegates should also be better. You'll note that the last few courses I've attended have seemed like Shrek conventions. This time however, the course will be attended by people from a variety of industries, not just universities.

Wish me luck! Right, I'm off to bed. I'll see if I can wank tonight. It didn't happen last night 'cause I was sniffling too much. I'm much better now though.
Night night! Don't let the bed bugs bite etc etc (and if you have bed bugs, you're a dirty bitch).

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

This song has grown on me. And the singer's not bad either!

Q. Why is it so bad being an egg?
A. You only get laid once, eaten once, it takes 15 minutes to get
hard, 3 minutes to go soft, and the only chick who will sit on your
face is your mother.

Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

At the Polish Agricultural university, the Professor was talking about
increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class
asked: "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"

The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they
woke you up, rubbed your tits for two hours, and didn't fuck you
afterwards, you'd look depressed too!"

Two blokes are down the pub. As usual the subject gets onto sex. One
says to the other, "How's your sex life mate?"

"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses
interest half way through."

The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the
same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the
bed. When she started to run out of steam, I fired the pistol. It gave
her such a fright that she got all excited and couldn't get enough. I
wish I'd done it years ago."

The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

A few days later they're back in the pub again. The first bloke says,
"How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other bloke says, "Fuck mate! Don't talk to me about starter
pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual,
she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol,
just like you said."

The first bloke says, "So, what happened?"

The other bloke says, "She nearly bit my cock off, shat in my face,
and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"

The Kingdom of Irish Sex
------------------------

THE PREPARTION

Friday night is very much love night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac -
12 pints of Guinness and some fish and chips - his mind set on one
thing...
                    Love!

Or as he says himself, "a ride."

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard
night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with
gentle words of passion
                    "Any chance of a ride then love?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin,
is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with
the flirtatious reply
                    "Would ye ever feck off!!!"


FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed.

This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-
fronts provocatively at his wife, usually land skid mark side down, as
he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant

                    "Here we go, here we go, here we go."

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher.
This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.


INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's ould willie winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow
to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will
offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as
                    "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly
                    "It never happens to the milkman."

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irish man. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation,
                    "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?"

The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler.
                    "Go on then," she says, "but don't disturb me."


DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in
his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from
severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase
                    "Ah feck, I've shot me load."

If this does occour it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman
likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole."
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word or two of
encouragement such as
                    "Are you sure it's in?"

Given his level of sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal partner
should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes form of a breathless shout
                    "Ooyah, ooyah, big boy!"

Eventually it's all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
starts snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like the Irishman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Mmm man in suit :)

http://www.mutantchroniclesthemovie.com/

Looks good.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters
was the sentence. "Get well soon..... from the nurse in the jeep you pulled
over last week."

Orlando Bloom

Singapore's Society for Men's Health has recently joined forces with a pharmaceutical firm in the island's city-state to propose a four-point scale for erectile dysfunction.

This will allow men to rate their own hardness by putting it into one of four categories: cucumber, unpeeled banana, peeled banana and tofu.

“Men should aim for this,” UK sex therapist Victoria Lehmann declared at a recent news conference, holding a cucumber aloft. Damn right!

Although I'm not sure that many women would be brave enough to ask a date whether he'd rate himself as a peeled banana or as tofu.

Although it would be pretty funny if they did. Just don't tell men about the pencil test:
knitting needle, eye pencil, marker pen, or rolling pin.

Some tofu. Yes, I see the resemblance to a dick....

FYI

A 'bad bunny' worm that downloads a graphic picture of a man wearing a bunny suit is infecting computers, an IT security firm has warned.

The Badbunny-A worm attempts to display a JPEG of an 'indecent' image of the man performing a sexual act in woodland.

The IT security firm Sophos said it affects the open source office suite OpenOffice/StarBasic and targets Windows, Mac and Linux computers.

Can I just point out the guy in the picture is not the bunny perv.....and neither am I!

I watched Date Movie last night. A very silly film which didn't get many laughs from me. I did like the scene where Michael Jackson is in the background waving a teddy bear to entice a child to come to him. I can't find a clip of it on YouTube though.
So here's the next best thing. If you want to see a fake cat have some serious diarrhoea on the toilet, then look no further!

CRUISE BAR

I've just discovered a cruise bar which hosts a variety of club nights. I didn't go there!
Check 'em out:

Spurt is the only dedicated wanking club in the UK. We are unique in the capital. There is a zone for wanking, a bar for meeting mates and a darker corner if you want to do something a little more!

There are flat screen panels showing the latest films to wank to. There is plenty of seating and we'll be the only wanking club with a dedicated smoking area from July 2007!

Cum and give us a try! No Dresscode!

We even provide free "wank wipes" and condoms & lube!

Tempting...but let's move to the next one:

Buff is the original naked party that takes place three times a week at the MA1 Bar.

If you like stripping off and letting it all hang out, you'll love this one. Meet lots of people into getting it hard and showing.

Buff has become the premier naked party in the capital, cum and give us a try. We have a free coatcheck and there is a changing area inside the club. We even provide money bags and condoms free of charge!

NEXT!

Well Ard proved such a success we decided to make it a regular night. With lads turning up in all sorts of kit including boxing and wrestling kit it was a great night out.

There is no fighting at the club but make the effort to turn up in your fighting kit and get in for free otherwise it's £5.00 or £4.00 with your MA1 card.

No dressode, just turn up and have fun. Free coatcheck and changing area provided! Plus free boxing lessons!

(2nd Sunday of the month 8pm to 12am)

Ooh, the fighting kit appeals a little....

What's next?

TNT (Trakkies and Trainers) is for men into sports kit, trakkies or trainers! Any sportskit will get you in for free on the night. There is a changing area and free coatcheck available. Anyone welcome, tighter the shorts the better!

Free entry for lads in sports kit otherwise it's £5.00 or £4.00 with your MA1 Card. Come and play with some big odd-shaped balls!

(3rd Saturday of the month 9pm to 1am)

For the chav in you.

Yet another night that proved so popular we have made Squaddies once a month. Come and get your hands a squaddie (we even get real ones in this club) and stand to attention!

It's free entry to lads in army kit or skinheads otherwise it's £5.00 or £4.00 with your MA1 card. Free coatcheck and there is a changing area available.

(4th Saturday of the month 9pm to 1am)

Phwoar. I like the military look.

Fancy a bit of slap and tickle? Well Detention is a club for men who like to mix their cruising with some corporal punishment! Come and get a spanking or caning in the MA1 Bar. It's dark and cruisy, just drop your pants and bend over for a good going over! You may get something more than you bargained for!

Every Saturday 2pm to 6pm

Tie in your afternoon with ClubCP. See www.clubcp.com

*Sigh* Where's the club that hosts the "Holding Hands" night?

Mmm Andy Roddick looks so buff! I don't care if the pic was Photoshopped!
Ugh, I hate the same ol' articles. Just look at it!

How to make her better in bed
1) Cover your dick and balls with Nutella
2) Get her drunk enough to do her in the butt
3) I'm afraid you're going to have to pleasure her orally....down below. If you give her an explosive orgasm, she'll do whatever you want!
Why do I know this? lol


How to build big arms in 5 easy moves
Stop being a lazy git. There are no easy moves! Stop wanking and start lifting weights. It's not rocket science.

Lose your gut- see results in 5 days.
Try telling that to Rick Waller.

The Mamas and the Papas - California dreamin'

Men in Switzerland worried about their testicles getting zapped by mobile phone radiation can now buy radiation-proof boxer shorts.

Clothes manufacturer Andreas Sallmann is producing the heavy-duty underwear at his factory in Amriswil.

He said he wanted to produce the garments to protect his six sons and secure the future of the company.

'If I am right and mobile phone radiation damages fertility then I won't have any customers left.'

Harvey's got some attitude

Embarrassing Illnesses

I'm not sure if this was shown in the first episode (Thursday 17th May 8:30pm), but I've just heard about this rudey one. The subject? Testicular cancer. Ch.4 really knows how to please us gays. Rather than show us some geriatric's crinkly balls, they've only enticed a British Rugby team to drop 'em! Yay!

You can download the video in two parts HERE and HERE. I haven't got time to download them at the mo' so don't blame me if it doesn't work.

Enjoy!

A rude animation with a poignant message

Catherine Tate Sketch

This kept me giggling.

LMAO! You know know how everyone says judges are always out of touch? Read on.

A judge overseeing the trial of three alleged Muslim "cyber terrorists" has been given a basic lesson in the internet - after admitting he didn't know what a "website" was!!

Mr Justice Peter Openshaw stunned prosecutors at Woolwich Crown Court by saying: "The trouble is I don't understand the language.

"I don't really understand what a website is."

Following the embarrassing admission the judge was given a Powerpoint presentation on the subject by computer expert Professor Tony Sams.

The basic lesson's first slide showed a yellow cloud labelled "internet" connected by blue lines to two computers.

I bet he has no trouble understanding what perverted sex is.

Cool pic.

The storm yesterday afternoon was part of the latest blast of bad weather to hit New York.

There was no damage to the 1,454ft Empire State Building.

The lightning rod at its very top absorbs such strikes around 100 times a year.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag! (Gross!)

Cybersex. A little too realistic!

CYBERSEX GONE BAD

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

---

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart:

A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she has had a good time.She tells him yes but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be rough, tough and selfish.

The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her, "Well, was I rough?"

"Yes," she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then it's time to be selfish," he says. So he whips out his penis and gives himself a handjob.

TOP 15 EUPHEMISMS FOR IMPOTENCE

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flacido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

10. The Null Monte

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Cheque of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread

THE INEXPERIENCED MAN

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

THE JOYS OF WOMANHOOD

When I was 16, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.

I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

Nerdy Pick-Up Lines

"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

- "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

- "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

- "I'm the droid you're looking for."

- "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'" (My favourite. My hull hasn't been breached in a long time *sobs*. lol

Pretty Impressive

Some guy pics, if you're interested.

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

Eleven tips on getting more efficiency out of women employees...

(This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II. Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious)

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous reports say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

What a nice mummy

A mother in Germany has admitted that she drove her son to rob a jewellery shop - so she could make sure nothing bad happened to him.

Daniela Langer, 36, from Dresden, found out her 18-year-old son Marcel was planning a £25,000 heist.

'I could not talk him out of it, so I offered to drive him to keep an eye on him,' she told a court.

John Sweeney's outburst

Lucky bitches

WOMEN could turn dust into lust — with a sex toy that brings pleasure to HOUSEWORK.

Instead of moaning about chores, they will happily moan as they do them.

The plastic tubular gadget fits on the end of a vacuum pipe.

Its makers say frustrated housewives can place it above their private parts — and orgasm in just TEN SECONDS.

The device — called Vortex Vibrations — works by concentrating the air flow to create a rapid and gentle vibration.

Inventor Joanne Drysdale claims it can give multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute a time — and it does not even touch the skin.

Buy it HERE.

I guess if my mum starts vacuuming more often I'll know what she's upto.

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my
>girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,
>she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy".
>
>The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
>making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body
>and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12
>inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
>
>The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished
>shaggin my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and
>wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the fucking roof!

Ewwwww! Why doesn't he just pop it?! The thing is ripe!

I've just heard Madonna's new song "Hey You" that she'll be performing at the Live Earth extravaganza. What can I say? This is a song that you shouldn't bother looking forward to. It is fucking SHIT! I don't need a middle-aged bitch preaching to me about climate change thank you very much. The lyrics are shit, the music is shit, the whole thing is atrocious. Madge, you should be ashamed!

You can download the song HERE, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Dog Spice's New Song- Carolyna

It's not that bad but her voice just isn't strong enough to pull it off. Put Kelly Clarkson on vocals and the song would be great!

If you like 'em young

Me no likey.

A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks
wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we
help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not
have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're
going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price."

Momma's been busy!

Well, I'm back from the one-day workshop. I left at lunch time because it was so damn boring! Of course I ensured I ate the free sarnies first.
Where do I start? As soon as I got there it was full of daddies and mummies. No totty in sight. I'm not going to any of these shitty courses again!
I did network though. I chatted to about 4 different people. That's a lot for me since I hate socialising. lol
I'm not feeling so well. My throat is killing me and one bitch's perfume was so strong it was irritating my throat!
The worst parts of the workshop were those table discussions. I just didn't know what the hell to say. Plus I thought it was all pointless anyway. The day has made me a little grumpy now. I need ice-cream!
Oh I almost forgot, the best part of the day was the journey into London. This cute guy was standing over me on the Tube. Yep, his crotch was in my face for about 20mins. Yay! lol

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."

Happy 38th Birthday David Boreanaz!

Oh Sweet Jesus!

A guy was interviewed at work today for a senior consultancy position. Of course, I was secretly hoping he'd be a hottie. But no. Alas, I'd have been more turned on if I had been bound and gagged by the Elephant Man himself. Yikes, that was a bit harsh. My apologies. Grrr this blogging thing brings out the worst in me!
Honestly, the guy seems...nice, and I'm sure he'd be perfectly capable of doing the job. Moving swiftly on....
I can't update this blog tomorrow because I'm attending a workshop in London. It's called: "Developing the 'IP toolkit' for enterprising innovators and inventors". Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What a load of tosh! My boss wants me to go for three reasons:
1) It shows other people within the university that we're going to these latest courses;
2) It's cheap;
3) And my attendance means increasing the profile of my employer.

I am looking on the bright side though. Free food! YAY! The downside? It seems every couple of hours there's going to be a "table discussion". There's 4 table discussions!!!!! Argh! Well I'm keeping schtum- I don't want to highlight my ineptitude!

Bunny Letter Opener

Anybody who fondly remembers The Flintstones - and, specifically, the hilarious ways in which various dinosaurs were used to replicate the functions of modern household objects - will probably love this rabbit.

That's because this rabbit will, with a little encouragement and coercion, act as a letter opener. To put it more bluntly, if you shove an envelope into this rabbit's mouth, then it eats the end off.

Of course, a rabbit is probably not an efficient replacement for an electric letter opener yet - there's problems of scaling, and reliability, and carrots. But then, an electric letter opener isn't an efficient replacement for just opening the stupid letter yourself, so who are we to judge?

Another oldie

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So without saying anything, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager excitedly, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

An oldie

Two women friends had gone for their monthly Girl's Night Out.
Both were faithful and loving wives, and generally just had a few drinks
and gossiped. On the night in question, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they both needed to pee, so they stopped at the edge of a cemetery,
ducking behind a couple of larger tombstones. One of them had nothing to wipe
with so she took off her panties and used them.

Her friend was wearing an expensive pair and didn't want to ruin them. She was
lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she wiped with that.

After the girls did their business they stumbled on home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.

Kelly Clarkson's New Album Cover

Cute lamb

You've heard of mutton dressed as lamb - but here's lamb dressed as panda.

The astonishing black-eyed markings on the youngster made it top of the flock as it gambolled with its newborn playmates.

Baaa!

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - At World's End Trailer

I can't remember if I ever posted this trailer. Oh well, it doesn't hurt to repeat myself.

A GRANT from the National Lottery will help those who feel they are the “only gay in the village”.

The £4,000 handout is to pay for a helpline for gays and lesbians in Wales – like Little Britain’s Daffyd.

Cardiff-based Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Cymru Helpline says it will help them reach people in remote areas.

Advertisement

A spokesman said: “We receive many calls on coming out issues. There is no need for people to suffer in silence.”

Shit! This Blogger site seems to be experiencing difficulties so I'm not sure how often I can update it. I'll try throughout the day though, otherwise you bitches will have to wait till I get home this evening!

DOLE offices are refusing to pay the unemployed unless they have a bath first - after dealing with smelly claimants in Harsova, Romania.

Because I am most concerned about the health of your prostate:

TOO many vitamins can increase the risk of deadly prostate cancer, say researchers.

In a study of 295,344 men, US scientists found those who had a family history of the disease and who also took zinc, selenium or beta-carotene were more likely to suffer advanced forms of the cancer.

Filthy Copper

A copper wanked in the back of a police car alongside a female prisoner he fancied, a jury heard yesterday.

PC Richard Bowen, 31, allegedly tried to chat her up with a series of explicit notes because he didn’t want to alert their WPC driver.

When the 25-year-old snubbed him he told her she aroused him and quietly pleasured himself TWICE as they drove along a motorway, it is claimed.

PC Bowen and WPC Christina Berry were taking the car theft suspect from London to their station in Lampeter, West Wales.

Prosecutor Elwen Evans QC told Swansea Crown Court PC Bowen wrote notes including “you are very sexy”, “you have lush tits”, “would you like to see my cock?” and “can I touch your sexy cunt?”

The woman shook her head but PC Bowen allegedly touched her thong. He then wrote a note saying “I am sorry” — but the next one read “I am hard”. It was then he allegedly pleasured himself.

Not bad eh?

Subservient Chicken

Make the chicken do what you want it to do.

This is fun! Bitch listens to your every command. I haven't yet asked him to wank though. I'm too embarrassed. lol

Personality Test

I just took a personality test and the results were:

You are creative, witty and impulsive. You are spontaneous and fun, always looking to the future, however, you are not always very dependable and have been known to drive your colleagues crazy. You are easily distracted and need to learn to focus on tasks and see them through to their conclusion.

Sounds about right...'cept for the creative, impulsive, spontaneous, and fun bit. lol

Take the test HERE. You can even disagree with the initial results and answer a few more questions for a more in-depth analysis.

For Little Britain Fans

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it? No, not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks,
"What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors...

Channel 4 Thursdays from 17th May, 8.30pm

The Embarrassing Illnesses clinic is open for business to tackle the medical problems that people would rather ignore than take to a doctor. Nothing will be too shameful or shocking, as this new series explores the conditions and ailments that leave many of us a little red-faced and aims to de-stigmatise common complaints.

Three doctors – Dawn Harper, Christian Jessen and Pixie McKenna – will be throwing open the doors of the clinic in a bid to tackle each condition head on, while attempting to take away the sting of shame.

And the doctors' work is not confined to the clinic. Each week they will be hitting the road, tackling one specific issue.

Nothing will be too embarrassing for the medics at the frontline of fighting blushes as they investigate the UK's most Embarrassing Illnesses.

Oooh get ready for a crab-fest!

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one
sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some
of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he
shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up
to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again."
>>
>>
>>
>>
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REMEMBER:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Some more fingernail "art"

What a load of palava!

GROSS!

Incredible what can be done with an eggshell and a laser beam (and too much time on your hands).

A free programming tool that allows anyone to create their own animated stories, video games and interactive artworks has been developed.

Primarily aimed at children, Scratch does not require prior knowledge of complex computer languages.

Instead, it uses a simple graphical interface that allows programs to be assembled like building blocks.

The digital toolkit, developed in the US at MIT's Media Lab, allows people to blend images, sound and video.

Try it if you've got bugger all to do!

The Bionic Woman

Hasn't Zoe Slater done well?

For those who find the working day hard enough already, it may seem like torture. But doctors believe the key to losing weight could be walking as you work.

Obesity experts have designed a "vertical workstation" treadmill that allows the overweight to exercise on a treadmill without leaving the comfort of their desks.

Well that's one solution to making my ass less wobbly.

Four men were rescued in America last Friday, after they fell into an 18-foot tank filled with fish shit.

Rescuers had to cut through the side of the fibreglass tank after the workers became trapped in the fish dung, at the Australis Aquaculture fish farm in Massachusetts. The men were plunged into the faeces after a bracket gave way, causing the collapse of the platform they were standing on to clean the tank.

One of the workers was completely submerged in the ordure, while the other three were covered up to their necks. Now that's a lot of shit!

The four were trapped in the tank for 45 minutes before the rescue team could cut their way into the tank.

'It was very slimy and it was heavy,' said Turners Falls Fire Captain David Dion of the fish dung. He added: 'Never seen anything like it in my life.'

It's Mini Britney!

Cool huh?

Rainy days will never be the same now there's the Internet umbrella.

Besides a wireless Net connection, the Pileus umbrella has a large screen, camera, a motion sensor, GPS and compass.

You can even watch video clips on it. Yeah, you can watch gay porn at the bus stop and fondle yourself.....maybe even stick the handle up ya bum when no one's looking? lol

But who's going to spend an arm and a leg on something which most of us lose at some point?

Lord help us

Guy Ritchie is returning to movie-making with another gangster film.

He's going to direct the low budget (it would have to be, judging by his last turkey "Revolver") RocknRolla this summer. Guy will also write and produce the project, which is in the same vein as his previous films Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch.

Lock Stock was good. Don't get me wrong. But all his subsequent films look the same! Bitch needs to go to some creative writing classes!

So Bob Geldoff is huffing and puffing about the forthcoming Live Earth concerts:

He said: "I hope they're a success. But why is Gore actually organising them? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect?"

"Everybody's known about that problem for years. We are all fucking conscious of global warming.

"I would only organise Live Earth if I could go on stage and announce concrete environmental measures from the American presidential candidates, Congress or major corporations.

"They haven't got those guarantees, so it's just an enormous pop concert for the umpteenth time that, say, Madonna or COLDPLAY get up on stage."

Helloooooooo? You think any of the performers at your Live 8 concerts gave a shit about poverty in Africa? All they cared about was that the concerts would be seen by billions so they can increase their profile and sell more records. By the way, what is the legacy of Live 8? So maybe some countries have increased their contributions to the third world. Big deal. It's easy to throw money at the problem but it rarely (if ever) works. It would work on me though. lol Throw some fookin' money at me for God's sake! Maybe I should take up lapdancing....

Wanted: Dominatrix

A JOBCENTRE is carrying adverts for a “trampling dominatrix” in a kinky TORTURE dungeon.

Job seekers can earn £100 a day for “wearing leather and stomping on S&M fetishists who enjoy being trodden on”.

Previous trampling experience is not needed as training is given, says the ad at Norwich Jobcentre. The advert is also on the Government’s Jobcentre Plus website, run by the Department for Work and Pensions.

Applicants must be 18 and are told it is a “fun job for reliable and open-minded people”.

Duties include “one-to-one sessions utilising the skills of domination and trampling”.

It warns the work “may cause embarrassment to some people” but does not involve nudity. The job is open to both sexes.

Dungeon boss Gerry James, 32, charges £100 an hour at his Girl Power club in Newton Flotman near Norwich. He said: “My clients are nice, professional guys with a fetish who want to be walked over and verbally abused. No sexual services are offered.”

But Mr James is struggling to find suitable candidates.

He said: “You’d have thought people would want easy money for a bit of walking. One girl thought I wanted a trampolinist.”

Tory family values campaigner Dr Adrian Rogers said: “This behaviour should be illegal. It can lead to severe injuries.”

But the DWP said the ad was legal and it could not discriminate.]

LMAO! If that job was in London, I would so apply! Let the torture commence! I fancy squishing some nuts. So who wants to take me out on a date? I need a free dinner. lol

WEST YORKSHIRE POLICE STATEMENT:

A man has been found dead in a river this morning wearing a Leeds shirt, fish net stockings, suspenders and a black crotchless thong. The man was also said to have an orange inserted in his anus.

Police have removed the Leeds shirt to save his family any embarrassment.

Awww

The Power of Makeup

Eww look what I came across. Who'd wear THAT?! Mouthful of candy, and a few errant pubes too. Bleurgh!
Buy it HERE!

Boys grow up so quickly don't they?

Why Men Snore

Since I'm at work I can't be seen to be playing such games, so I'll leave it for you to mess about with. Don't blame me if it's shit.

Join the fun at Orisinal.

Orisinal is a website full of games.

(All of the games on this site were created with Flash)

The games are cute, creative and beautifully crafted.

On top of that, they are simple to play and no registration or log in is required

The games come with pastel colours and delightful music.

They are so straightforward that regardless of age, anybody should be able to play.

Don’t let the childlike appearance fool you though – they require a lot of practice and patience.

Many of the games have great background music to help you get in the game mode.

http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious

money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants. You lot can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

Wedding dress made out of bog roll

Classy huh? And not a skid mark in sight!

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
>
>Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
>hours.
>
>
>EMPTYNESTROGEN
>
>Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
>you
>of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
>they moved out!
>
>
>ST. MOMMA'S WORT
>
>Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
>unconscious for up to two days.
>
>
>PEPTOBIMBO
>
>Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
>before
>an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
>prevents conception.
>
>
>DUMBEROL
>
>When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
>in
>enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks
>
>
>FLIPITOR
>
>Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
>the urge to flip off other drivers.
>
>
>MENICILLIN
>
>Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
>lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person "
>
>
>BUYAGRA
>
>Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
>duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
>
>
>JACKASSPIRIN
>
>Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
>anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. (So let me
>get
>this-we're supposed to lift the seat up to use it the way we do. OK.
>But then why do you flowers of humanity bitch when we leave it where
>it is when we're done, just like you do?)
>
>ANTI-TALKSIDENT
>
>A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
>to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
>
>
>NAGAMENT
>
>When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
>irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Searching for love on the Tube? Well, look no further than your bookshelf.

Women are attracted to men who read certain titles while travelling on the Underground, a survey suggests.

Shakespeare's romantic tragedy Romeo and Juliet is the book which has the most pulling power, while children's best-seller Harry Potter would mean an automatic snub.

The list is based on a poll of 5,000 women who were asked which book would encourage them to chat up the reader next to them.

Romeo and Juliet shows the reader to be a romantic, while number two on the list, Benjamin Graham's The Intelligent Investor, suggests he is making lots of money.

Also on the list are Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, which women say indicates the man could be a sensitive lover, and Andy McNab's SAS story Bravo Two Zero, which shows the reader is 'a real man'.

Men have also been warned what not to read when surreptitiously trying to pick up on the Tube.

Derren Brown's Tricks of the Mind apparently suggests the reader is into psychological games, David Beckham's biography may mean he will spend all his time watching football, and a person reading a Harry Potter book indicates that he could be childish, according to the survey by play.com.

This got me thinking about gay men and what signals they give out to show other gays that they're gay.

I remember sitting opposite one guy on the Tube and he wore a shocking pink shirt, wore a couple of those silver rings on his fingers and was reading Attitude. Oh, and he had a rainbow-coloured badge. You think he might've been a poof?

So tell me, what signals do you look out for?

I look out for those silver rings. That's usually a giveaway. Oh, and sometimes the shoes give it away too. Anything with a buckle and you know they're from Straightville. The same goes for Alligator or snakeskin shoes. Eww!

Mingers Not Welcome

A dating website where looks really are everything and ugly people are banned is giving a modern meaning to Charles Darwin's 'survival of the fittest' theory.

If you have a wonky nose, freckles, acne, a mullet or even – horror of horrors – red hair, www.darwindating.com is not the matchmaker for you. Half of all British applications so far have been rejected.

Australian creators Michael Fox, James Duffy and Michael Knapp said they set up the website as a joke after getting fed up with crowds of ugly people on other dating sites.

But rejects have failed to see the funny side and have bombarded them with hate mail.

One disgruntled singleton wrote: 'You are everything that's wrong in this world. Choke and die.'

And take comfort that Mr Fox, 26, was rejected by his own website when he submitted his photograph.

Check out this advert by Elave and their skincare products. They're all nude!!!!!

I am a 33 year old, full time nappy wearer.....so if that freaks you out, sorry.
Just looking for no strings fun with OPEN MINDED GUYS who don`t mind me wearing a nappy and / or plastic pants.


Y'know, those nappies have quite a bulging effect. Since I have micropenis, maybe I should give it a go? (lol). I can even nick one from my granny since she does have quite an ample bottom. It should fit me fine. Tee hee!

Maddy News

There's some internet gossip going around that her new song with Pharrell Williams is called "Hey You" and will be a Microsoft-branded Live Earth charity download.

Hugh Jackman

Phwoar! He's so burly! Hamana hamana hamana!

Eurovision 2007 Results

POS COUNTRY SCORE

1 Serbia 268
2 Ukraine 235
3 Russia 207
4 Turkey 163
5 Bulgaria 157
6 Belarus 145
7 Greece 139
8 Armenia 138
9 Hungary 128
10 Moldova 109
11 Bosnia/Herzegovina 106
12 Georgia 97
13 Romania 84
14 Macedonia 73
15 Slovenia 66
16 Latvia 54
17 Finland 53
18 Sweden 51
19 Germany 49
20 Spain 43
21 Lithuania 28
22 France 19
23 United Kingdom 19
24 Ireland 5

I wasn't even going to acknowledge Eurovision on this blog but since UK came in at #23, I just had to laugh.
"Would you like something to suck on for landing sir?" Oooh I say!

I'm going to have to hunt for the Oirish entry. 5 points? That's gotta be worth watching! lol

Baby And His Cobra Friend

A one-year-old is forced to fight a neutered cobra during a shocking snake-charming rite of passage in India.

The baby tries to protect itslef while being repeatedly hit by the animal, which has also had its mouth stitched up and its fangs removed.

This bizarre spectator sport - reportedly from Kasimkota in Andhra Pradesh - has been condemned by animal rights protesters after footage appeared on the internet.

They've warned that a cobra's fangs grow back quickly, putting the youngsters in mortal danger.

I was clenching my butt throughout this (even more so than usual). This is fucking freaky!

Visitors at a park in Mason, Ohio, called police after an apparently drunk man climbed into his pickup truck and started driving around, including near the children's play area. When an officer arrived, "I observed [the suspect] to be wearing a very skimpy woman's bikini with two tan water balloons taped to the top to simulate two woman's breasts and a pair of pink Speedo flip-flop sandals," Officer Scott Miller said in his report. Steven S. Cole, 46, a volunteer firefighter who had emergency lights on his truck, was also wearing a blond wig, and allegedly had a blood alcohol level of .174 percent. He explained he was on his way to a contest at a gay bar. Police found more wigs, a pair of silver go-go boots, beer, and other items in his truck. Cole was charged with drunken driving, having an open container, public indecency and disorderly conduct. (Cincinnati Enquirer).

Tut tut. Using tan water balloons? A real tranny would know that chicken fillets are the only way to go. So I've been told. Ahem.

Homogenius™ is the creation of the Trani (are you serious?) family from Manhasset, New York, who thought of the concept while playing regular trivial pursuit with an openly gay member of their family.

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Faggots and mince not on the menu

A LANDLORD who took over a pub from a gay couple is being investigated by cops after a sign appeared outside saying: “Faggots and mince not on the menu.”

The message was written on a blackboard outside the inn as it was re-opened by new boss Ady Taylor.

But former landlord John Williams, 37 — who ran it with his wedded partner Lee, 26 — spotted it and alerted police.

They ordered Mr Taylor to remove the sign and are now investigating a possible offence under the Public Order Act.

Section 5 of the Public Order Act states it is an offence to display any sign that is threatening, abusive or insulting.

Any chance the pub now serves only vegetarian food? lol