Tow Yard Complaint
THIS is FUNNY!!!! I've posted it before but it's worth listening to again.
"There's a huge turd in the back seat".
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Gay Pride- what a load of bollocks!
So it's Gay Pride here in London. Got your thong and pink feather boa on?
I'm certainly not going. Why? Let me ask: what is there to be proud of exactly? You are what you are, and in this day and age, there's no need for a bunch of fags to congregate in the middle of London and declare how proud they are of sucking dick.
Pride may have meant something back in the days where homosexuality was very closeted and I'm sure a lot of fags felt emancipated. But nowadays, it's hardly a shock if you tell someone you're gay (unless you're telling your great-grandmother).
Personally, I would feel a bit silly joining a large group of gays just because the one thing we all have in common is our sexuality. There's more to me than that.
I just wish people would accept what Pride really amounts to: a huge cruising opportunity. This is the one occasion where you don't have to think: "is he or isn't he?" Everyone, bar a few monogomous couples, are out to get laid. Don't dress it up as anything more than that.
Friday, June 29, 2007
At some point during your professional career, you may be called upon to hire someone.
When they are straight out of college, it's difficult to determine how they think. Hopefully
this list will give you some insight and help you hire the right mind.
The Philosophy graduate asks: "Why does it work?"
The Engineering graduate asks: "How does it work?"
The Marketing graduate asks: "Who will buy it?"
The Communications graduate asks: "What can I write about it?"
The Accounting graduate asks: "How much will it cost?"
The Industrial Management graduate asks: "How can we make it?"
The Human Resources graduate asks: "Who will make it?"
The Liberal Arts graduate asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
10 More Useful Business Phrases
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
9. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
8. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
7. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
6. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. What am I? Flypaper for freeks!?
3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
2. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
See? This is what I have to resort to when it's slow news day. Posh's tits. Did the surgeons run out of implants and 
use a couple of grapefruits instead?
Get a bikini body for the summer!
Resembling a small motorised surfboard, it simulates the same motion and manufacturers claim that using it for 15 minutes, twice a day, can give you a perfect bikini body in just six weeks.
The human touch board costs £399. To order one, call 0844 888 0456, www.humantouchboard.co.uk
I'm not wearing lipstick!!!! Got it?
Hmph, I'm annoyed.
At the Tube station this morning a bunch of school kids kept looking at me and sniggering.
I overheard one of them say to the other: "Now now, as Mrs X said, 'there's nothing wrong with being gay'". And then when I got on the bus one of them approached and said: "Excuse me. Are you wearing lipstick".
Grrrrr. Of course I'm not wearing lipstick! They're naturally red and they were probably shiny 'cause I use Vaseline to stop them from drying out.
I just hope this doesn't become a daily occurrence. I don't need little shits laughing and pointing at me every morning.
*Runs away sobbing* lol
A guest with the appetite of Homer Simpson stunned hotel staff by scoffing 15 fried breakfasts in one sitting yesterday.
Businessman Barry Bradley, 47, paid £7.50 for the 'all you can eat' grease mountain, which took more than three hours to devour.
He gobbled up at least 30 sausages, 20 rashers of bacon, 15 fried eggs and three tins of beans.
He even topped it off with six bowls of cereal at the Premier Travel Inn in Tonbridge, Kent, so at least he was keeping healthy.
HOW about this for a weight loss pill - just pop it in your mouth and it makes you feel full.
At least that's what scientists who have invented a new diet tablet claim. The drug, made from NAPPY material, works by swelling up inside your stomach to the size of a tennis ball, killing hunger for about two hours.
Italian researcher Alessandro Sannino, the first person to take the pill, said: "It's the same as you feel after a plate of spaghetti.
Spoilsports!
The sign on the side of a lorry also showed a bikini-clad blonde soaping down a pink Cadillac. But councillors in Goole, East Yorks, branded it inappropriate and Soapy Rides owners Nigel and Michaela Kennings, both 37, were fined £400 with £600 costs by magistrates.
A couple have been ordered to remove their cheeky car wash firm slogan that promised: “The best hand-job in town.”
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Hello, Welcome to (Company Name)
If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line
so we can trace your call and persecute you.
so we can trace your call and persecute you.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to
press.
press.
If you are a manic depressive, press whichever number you like, no-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969696969696.
If you have amnesia, press 8, followed by your date of birth, your social security
number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and, your
tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.
number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and, your
tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.
If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the
beep, and for god's sake wait for the beep.
beep, and for god's sake wait for the beep.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you suffer from short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, go away, no one can be bothered to talk to you anyway.
A sad day
Go on, help them earn £10million each. Makes me sick!
Posh still looks constipated! *Stuffs Krispy Kreme doughnuts into every orifice".
Tour Dates
Los Angeles - December 7
Las Vegas - December 8
New York - December 11
London - December 15
Koln - December 20
Madrid - December 23
Beijing - January 10
Hong Kong - January 12
Sydney - January 17
Cape Town - January 20
Buenos Aires - January 24
Buy tickets here!
I'm not Happy
This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light when I wasn't really paying attention.
When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!
He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...', So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
American tourist
An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Killed any yet?"
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
Prepare for the duckies!
A fleet of 29,000 rubber ducks is set to wash up on Britain's shores after a 15-year, 17,000-mile epic journey.
They are expected on Cornwall beaches in late summer.The bath toys were set adrift in the Pacific after a container was washed off a cargo ship in 1992.
The sea corroded packaging, freeing the Chinese yellow ducks, plus blue turtles, red beavers and green frogs. Their colour has since faded to white.
Experts have tracked them across the world, spotting them in Alaska, Siberia, Japan, Iceland and Canada.
Oceans scientist Curtis Ebbesmeyer said: "They'll turn up on English beaches."
A new book celebrating history's best cutting put downs will equip you for any confrontation. Here's some of the best insults to hurl in a blazing row with your other half.
ON MEN
I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.Francoise Sagan
A man is like a phonograph with half a dozen records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at the table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor.
George Bernard Shaw
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr
Men fantasise about being in bed with two women. Women fantasise about it too because at least they'll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep.
Anon
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
Jayne Mansfield
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
H. L. Mencken
The majority of husbands remind me of an orang-utan trying to play the violin.
Honore de Balzac
A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.
Groucho Marx
Nancy Astor: "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Sir Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
The trouble with Ian is that he gets off with women because he can't get on with them.
Rosamond Lehmann on Ian Fleming
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Germaine de Stael
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
Anon (Fear of Flying, Erica Jong)
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West
Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say, and everything they do.
Anon
ON WOMEN
Women are like elephants to me - I like to look at 'em, but I would not want to own one.W. C. Fields
A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on.
Oscar Wilde
Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
Ambrose Bierce
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
There's nothing so similar to one poodle dog as another poodle dog, and that goes for women too.
Pablo Picasso
I hate women because they always know where things are.
James Thurber
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
Sir Winston Churchill
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.
Jean Rostand
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
Most women are not so young as they are painted.
Max Beerbohm
A woman will always sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity. It's her favourite form of self-indulgence.
W. Somerset Maugham
Women have a wonderful sense of right and wrong, but little sense of right and left.
Don Herold
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
H. L. Mencken
Nature intended women to be our slaves ... they are our property; we are not theirs. They belong to us, just as a tree that bears fruit belongs to a gardener. What a mad idea to demand equality for women! Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
Napoleon Bonaparte
I married beneath me, all women do.
Nancy Astor
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Extracted from The Wicked Wit Of Insults by Maria Leach (Michael O'Mara, £5.99)
Forget dogging – the new sex craze is 'furring'.
The practice sees people dressing up in giant teddy bear or other outfits and meeting in woodlands and forests for sex.
Participants – sometimes called 'furverts' – also dress as rabbits, squirrels or cartoon characters.
One furry – known as 'Paddington' – regularly takes part in the activity in woods at St Austell, Cornwall.
He said: 'St Austell is fast becoming a hotbed for furries since a new group started up.
'We're a group of people who like things to do with animals. It's great to meet up with fellow furries and enjoy the great outdoors.'
Tina Patterson, owner of the Make Believe fancy-dress hire shop in St Austell, said: 'I wonder where my costumes go sometimes.
Some of my fur suits come back in a right state (i.e. covered in jizz and poo). Eww!
Ouch!
Authorities in Cambodia warned men on Tuesday against do-it-yourself penis enlargement treatments, in the aftermath of a case in which a man killed himself because of the side-effects of a botched enlargement attempt.
The man reportedly had been injecting hair tonic into his own penis – but the side effects were so agonising that he hanged himself to end the pain.
The hair tonic was advertised as giving thicker and more lustrous hair. It did not have the same effect upon the man's willy.
This is a zorse– a zebra/horse hybrid, born on a ranch in Germany. And she's the product of a holiday romance.
The pure white areas she gets from her mother, a horse called Eclipse. Eclipse's owners sent her to a ranch in Italy for a while – where she met a rugged, handsome zebra called Ulysses.
One thing led to another – and when she got back home to Germany, Eclipse surprised her keepers by producing a little half-horse, half-zebra with highly unusual markings.
Cool!
Well it's about time!
More than 50 gay personnel, who were sacked when their sexuality was discovered, are waiting for their cases for breach of privacy to be settled by the MoD. Until 2000, men and women were automatically dismissed from the Armed Forces if it was discovered that they were gay or lesbian. Wing Commander Phil Sagar, who runs the Armed Forces Joint Equality And Diversity Training Centre, which advises on Government policy, has now issued an apology. "Of course we're sorry for anyone who's suffered personal trauma," he told a BBC radio programme. 
THE Ministry of Defence has apologised to all gay men and lesbians for the Armed Forces ban on homosexuality that was lifted in 2000.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Why computers should be considered masculine:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
Why computers should be feminine:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourselflater retrieval.
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Office Rules
1. The BOSS always makes the Rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No EMPLOYEE can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the BOSS suspects the EMPLOYEE knows all the rules, the BOSS must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The BOSS is never wrong.
6. If the BOSS is wrong, it is because of flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct
result of something the EMPLOYEE did or said wrong.
result of something the EMPLOYEE did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the EMPLOYEE must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.
misunderstanding.
8. The BOSS has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
9. The EMPLOYEE must remain calm at all times, unless the BOSS wants him/her to
be angry or upset.
be angry or upset.
she wants him to be angry or upset.
Asian room service
I know I've posted this before but this is funny!
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."
An article for the rug munchers
The Metro (modified by moi):
Emma has shoulder-length blonde curls, wears tight, revealing clothes and loves her high heels. But for her and many other make-up loving lesbians (femmes), their look is hindering their chances of finding the right girl.
'I was drinking outside a café in Soho with a friend when I noticed this gorgeous butch girl,' says 37-year-old Emma. 'I gave the girl an appreciative look to show I was interested but she screamed at me: “What do you think you're looking at? Haven't you ever seen a dyke before?” And then stormed off in her Timberlands.'
Emma also gets stopped by door staff when she visits gay and lesbian bars. 'They think I'm a fag hag if I'm out with a gay male friend. If I do get into a club, I get nasty looks from women who obviously think I'm straight or bi-curious and out for some fun. They judge me on how I look and I never get a chance to defend myself.' Poor lezza.
Emma says many femmes are asked by door staff to prove their sexuality. They are asked to name famous lesbians or state the gay magazines they read. She
's now thinking of getting a T-shirt with 'Fucking femme' printed on the front.
Jane Czyzselska, editor of gay women's mag Diva, and a fan of femmes herself, says spotting girls outside of the gay scene can be difficult.
'There are loads of feminine lesbians who attend gay girl clubs. But the problems arise when you're on the bus or at work or in the garden centre picking cacti. You assume they're staring at you, not checking you out.'
Czyzselska is encouraging femme lesbians to do something to get noticed, half-jokingly touting the idea of them wearing a purple band on their wrist for visibility.
Now, 'lipstick lesbians', as they've been referred to, are taking their quest to be seen a step further. On Saturday, a collection of very girlie girls, or 'high femmes', will march together in foot-crushing heels at London's Gay Pride.
They are the Bird Club collective, started by two ballsy femme performers, Bird La Bird and Dyke Marilyn – a lesbian Marilyn Monroe impersonator. Their aim is to stamp out femme invisibility.
'We've had a really positive response to Bird Club and the upcoming march,' says La Bird. 'We want to celebrate femininity on the queer scene and will be marching with drag queens and trannies."
So as a femme-fancier, can she give lesbians any advice on how to spot chick-lovers during rush hour or at a 'straight' event? 'It's in the eyes. If they hold your gaze a bit longer than is culturally acceptable, that's the sign. It's always worked for me. Don't assume they're being hostile by staring at you. They like to be approached (and fingered).'
Mel B has revealed the Spice Girls will perform their first comeback concert in Los Angeles at the beginning of December.
Meanwhile, it has been revealed bosses behind the tour are planning to digitally enhance the girls' voices live on stage.
They are said to be worried about the quality of the singers' vocals 10 years down the line. Oh come on; surely it can't be any worse than it already was?
I suppose the good thing is that Sticktoria Beckham will not be too prominent because of her lack of singing and dancing ability. Unfortunately, that huge alien head is hard to miss.
lol I joined this Asian marriage match making website recently, just to see what was out there, and I got the following email:
"Hi there, My name is Priya, just read your profile and as there is so little written about you it just made me more curious (oh, she has much to learn).
"What can i tell you about me... well first of all i live in Portugal... please dont be put off (!!) by this cos i am actaully from the UK originally but we moved here 17 yrs ago. I moved back to england to do my Degree in European business with french and spanish and then decided to move back here for a couple of yrs. I wrk in the capital lisbon for an american private jet company and love my job. I am out going and love getting to know new people. I lived 1 yr in france and love getting to know new places. i just got back from South Africa, was there on holiday with my family and had a great time.
"i dont know if you have seen my profile but it says that i am from Mauritus but this is wrong no matter how may times i change it, it still remains the same.
Drop me an e-mail if you would like to get to know more about me. take care"
*Big yawn*. Sorry Priya, but unless you have a dick, I'm not interested. lol I don't think I'll find many fags on this site.
I love this bad-ass granny!
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:
'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.
Wow!
A 22-mile bridge that its builders claim is the world's longest sea-crossing structure was formally linked-up Tuesday just south of the business hub of Shanghai.
The bridge links Shanghai to the industrial city of Ningbo across Hangzhou Bay, cutting the distance between them from about 250 miles to just 50 miles.
A farmer has replaced his wife's name on the family grave with a picture of his favourite cow.
Zivomir Nesic, 58, from Markovac, demanded his pre-ordered gravestone be changed after a row with his wife.
He said: 'I always said my wife was a cow so, if I'm going to have a cow on my grave, I would rather it was one I actually liked.'
TV presenter Louis Theroux has undergone liposuction while making a documentary about plastic surgery.
Theroux spent £2,500 of his own money on the procedure after a surgeon advised him to get rid of his "love handles".
The results will be seen in his BBC2 film Louis Theroux: Under The Knife, to be broadcast in the autumn.
Erm, what love handles??? That surgeon is deluded! I wouldn't be surprised if the surgeon suggested lipo for bloated, starving African children!
I hate these bloody cosmetic surgeons. Sure, they're useful for women who have issues with tiny boobies, or if someone has disfigurements due to accidents, burns etc, but where does it end? It pisses me off that a cosmetic surgeon might mention what other work the patient should consider and profit from creating feelings of inadequacy e.g. if I tell my work colleague (the one I shall henceforth refer to as The Cunt) that she has bingo wings (see below), she'd probably cry, start covering up her arms, go on crash diets and worry about it for weeks or months to come. Hmm maybe I will tell her that on my last day.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
A new Australian ad campaign is seeking to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers.
The "Speeding. No-one Thinks Big of You" campaign will run on TV, in cinemas, at bus shelters and online.
The shock tactics of previous adverts that showed disturbing images of death and injury in road crashes have not worked, says the New South Wales state government authority behind the ads, the Roads and Traffic Authority (RTA).
I don't think it'll work. Is a man really expected to look at that bitch making the gesture and slow down?
In case you didn't get it:
Gyna Colleges =gynaecologist
pabst beer=pap smear aka cervical smear aka scraping a woman's vag to collect cell samples to test for cancer.
Acceptance Upon Rejection
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Company XYZ's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
An American grandmother who wanted to prove that it was too easy for non-US citizens to vote in Washington state has had her Australian shepherd-terrier cross vote in three elections. Authorities became wary after finding a paw print on the ballot envelope.
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
German politicians have slammed role playing games being taught to school children on how to pick up a gay partner.
The Regional Institute for School and Media LISUM in Berlin has introduced the controversial exercises for school kids from 14 upwards as part of a way of reducing prejudice against homosexuals.
But the role-playing has outraged politicians.
You don't need role-playing games. Just go on a gay chat site and you'll quickly learn that flowers, a drink, a meal, or even a conversation, is unnecessary. You can probably pick up using the following lines:
1) Wanna fuck?
2) I'm horny
3) Where are you?
4) What are you into?
5) 9 inches
And that's the end of Wabby's "How to find a shag" lesson.
If you want to know my credentials...*muffles* not had sex in years *cough* *cough* lol
A couple of weird Japanese treatments:
Quite frankly, do we expect anything from Japan to be "normal"? lol
THE GOLDFISH PEDICURE: The Japanese have been eating live fish for centuries – and now it's time for Goldfish revenge in the form of a pedicure in which hundreds of miniature fish literally eat your feet alive before your very own eyes. Thankfully, piranha's are not native to Japan, and the treatment uses doctor fish or gara rufa, whose appetite for human flesh is limited to dead, scaly skin (not to everyone's taste). Your most unpleasant flaky bits will be swiftly nibbled away in 15 unbearably ticklish minutes to reveal baby, clean feet. So the only thing you're likely to die of is laughing. Contact Ooeden Onsen in Tokyo (Tel: 0081 355 001126).
Can guys with crusty dicks also have this treatment? I'm just interested, that's all. Oi, stop looking at me in that way!
THE DE-0DOURISER: With Japan's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-like obsession with purification, the Sell Etiquette Up treatment is the ultimate inside-out approach to beauty claiming to eliminate faeces odour by detoxing your internal organs. Be a pure, wrinkle-free Japanese beauty – even when you're on the toilet. Available at Takano Yuri Beauty Clinics across Japan (Tel: 0081 3 5465 1107)
A hospital doctor who had sex with a former patient while he was on duty in the casualty department has been suspended for 12 months.
Dr Timothy Davey, 46, was removed from his £60,000-a-year job after he admitted he was "sexually intimate" with the woman when he was supposed to be working.
Ooh that's one of my (many) fantasies. My flaps are flappin'! lol
I think I should go to the doctor though. I have a lump in my ass but I'm not sure if it's my prostate. Is it supposed to hurt when you apply pressure to it? Maybe there's a cream I can apply.....any suggestions?
Man plays with puttycat
Animal behaviourist Kevin Richardson has such an intimate bond with big cats that he can spend the night curled up with them without the slightest fear of attack.
Richardson, 32, who is based in a wildlife conservation area near Johannesburg in South Africa, works his unusual magic on other species too. Cheetahs, leopards and even unpredictable hyenas hold no threats for him.
What a brave man!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Please please please please please please please can someone post some comments. It really does feel like I'm talking to myself here!
I implore my army of fans (three in total) to say something...anything!
Right, well I'm orf to shave down the calluses on my feet. lol
Another gross pic of Beth
Someone tell this lesbo we're fed up of seeing her beef curtains!
She probably needs an anti-fungal drug to sort out her candida intertrigo (candidiasis of skin folds). Here's a description:
A moist glazed area of erythema and maceration appears in a body fold (and Beth certainly has plenty of those; bitch probably has more folds than a Shar Pei dog-see below). The edge shows soggy scaling and outlying papules and pustules.
These changes are most common under the breasts, the armpits and groin, but can also occur between the fingers of those whose hands are often in water.
Nasty! Keep out of the vicinity of her vagina. I have a horrible feeling Beth spurts like bacon when excited.
14 Things You Really Should Have Done Before Getting Married
1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have...
2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you...
3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later...
4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation?
5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies...
6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway...
7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...?
8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in...
9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: "No, I really don't fancy them"...
10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs...
11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)...
12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped...
13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet...
14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...
Transformers Trailer
I saw this trailer at the cinema and it got my heart (yes, I do have one) racing!
The YouTube vid I recently posted featuring that funny "chipmunk" is actually a Prairie dog. Not that you really care.
Ooh remember that baby manta ray that was recently born in a Japanese aquarium? Yeah well he/she died 5 days after being born. Let's have a moment's silence. OK that's enough.
I love it!
Shit! I received £100 worth of M&S vouchers today (as a promotional thing regarding a course I recently attended), and when I told my colleague, the admin assistant overheard us! Fucking whore had the cheek to ask me to share it with her, just because at the time we booked it, she asked me which option to choose- 30% off or £100 vouchers, and apparently together we chose the vouchers (I now remember that we actually agreed the 30% off because that was the right thing to do. OMG, that means she deliberately selected the vouchers thinking they would be sent to HER! I hate her even more now! Sly cow!).
Damn fuckity damn! So now I'm left with just £50 worth of vouchers and we've come to an arrangement whereby from now on, whenever we get the choice of having vouchers or a discount, we'll choose the vouchers and split it between us. TSK!
So, she's all happy now and making really light, inane conversation with me, and I'm having to give her the fake smile and pretend I'm totally fine about it all and happy that I've had to give her my £50 voucher. Grrrrrrrrrrr BITCH!
*Squeezes my stress ball furiously*
Treat yourself!
A woman who won £9.3million on the Lottery sent her brother's family a cheque for £1,000, saying: "Treat yourselves."
Mega-rich Irene Jones and husband Ron pledged to "look after" close relatives when they scooped the fortune last October.Her only brother Len Powell, 72, and his wife May were told to expect a cheque in the post.
The couple were on holiday when the envelope came and son Mark opened it with trembling hands, expecting to find at least £1million.
Mark, 37, was stunned to find a cheque for just £1,000 - a tiny 0.010638 per cent of the triple rollover jackpot.
With it was a handwritten note from Irene which read: "Hope it will help you out with the struggle with money."
The note signed off: "Treat yourselves . . . Love Irene."
LOL! Greedy whore! Why is it that the richest people seem to be the most frugal and the poorest seem to be the most generous? You can't take your money with you when you die so fucking spend it and be happy!
*Offers you a chicken nugget from my pack of 9*.
RICKY Gervais has told how he laughed and joked his way through his mum and dad’s FUNERALS. The Extras funnyman, 45, says he was “crying with laughter” for much of mum Eva’s service. He said: “When the vicar asked what she’d been like, my brother joked, ‘She was a keen racist’. “The vicar said, ‘I can’t say that’! So Bob said, ‘OK then, she liked gardening’.”
Window cleaner Keith Fenn, 25 — who could have got life in jail — will be free in just FOUR MONTHS after admitting twice having sex with the child. Judge Julian Hall decided to be lenient because the girl “didn’t look 10”. Bloody 'ell! A ten year old wearing frilly bras and thong?!! Firstly, her parents should be ashamed! I would have gone for a more conservative full coverage bra and Rhumba panties (see below) Secondly, I still can't believe a 25 year old could mistake a 10 year old for someone 16 or above. Thirdly, methinks the judge was probably jealous that the girl pulled a cute 25 year old because when he trawls sex clubs in those frilly bras and thongs, the best he can pull is someone who resembles Jabba the Hut! 
A JUDGE spared a man who raped a girl of ten in a park — because she wore a “provocative” frilly bra and thong. 
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Yes, it's a dog!
This is Elwood, who won the title of World's ugliest dog of 2007.
Wabby: Congratulations Elwood. How do you feel?
Elwood: Woof.
Wabby: OK......why do I bother? lol
Another device for you lazy bitches!
If you can't be bothered to press the buttons on the remote control, help will soon be at hand with the arrival of the thought-activated television. Scientists are refining technology which could allow viewers to change channels or switch the set on and off without lifting a finger.
The technique, known as optical topography, reads thoughts by measuring changes in blood flow to key areas of the brain.
The changes - detected by a sensor-covered cap which sends small amounts of infrared light through the brain - are passed to a small computer through optical fibres.
The only problem with the technology so far is that the cap weighs 2.2lb - the equivalent of a bag of sugar!
She doesn't look very impressed with it. That bag of sugar must be weighing her down.
Some mundane news:
Skeletor Beckham has bunions and is considering an operation to remove them.
What's the point? She'll carry on wearing fabulous shoes but those bunions will return. Trust me, I KNOW about these things. LMAO!
A MAN has been charged with having sex with his bike.
Robert Stewart was allegedly caught in the act by two terrified cleaners who walked into his bedroom in a hostel.
Stewart has denied the accusation, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.
The 51-year-old bachelor was charged with the bizarre sexual offence after he was disturbed by the cleaner and her colleague in a private hostel in Ayr.
The charge alleges he conducted himself in a disorderly manner, simulated sex with a bicycle and continued to do so while naked from the waist down in the presence of two female employees.
Asked about the claim he was simulating sex with the bike, he said: "You'll need to ask the cleaners why they would say that.
"It's a lot of rubbish, a lot of rubbish."
His solicitor Gerry Tierney said last night: "My client denies the allegations and intends to defend the charge vigorously."
Why the fuck didn't the cleaners knock before entering his room? Serves them right for being terrified. I should make it clear that it's not an offence to shag a bike (I'd recommend a Raleigh Chopper), but it's the fact that he carried on humping in front of the cleaners.
A beefy Army sergeant is having a £30,000 sex change operation — paid for by the Ministry of Defence!!
Rugby-playing former commando David Penny, 40, has changed his name to Deborah and wears fake boobies under his uniform.
Off duty, the Royal Green Jackets bomb disposal unit veteran is allowed to mince around the mess in stilettos, a skirt and tight-fitting tops as he awaits his op.
On Friday the News of the World captured the soldier — who has served for 23 years—returning to his home dressed as Deborah.
‘She' is pictured in her Royal Green Jackets uniform with a new bobbed hair-do and wearing ear-rings and a teddy bear keyring.
Unfortunately stubble is clearly visible through Sgt Deborah's make-up.
The soldier — who is said to have been disowned by his shocked RAF veteran father Charles — has to prove he can live like a woman for a year before he undergoes sex swap surgery.
A pal said: "It will be a tough job. He is a strong man with legs like tree trunks and broad shoulders. His voice is still deep and he will need voice coaching."
LOL That Deborah is a brave lass. Her superiors must be seething. What will she do when her heels get stuck in the mud during battle? Or if her fake tit gets shot at? Is she gonna start throwing diva tantrums?Saturday, June 23, 2007
I just saw Fantastic 4-Rise of the Silver Surfer, and what can I say? It was great! Chris Evans looks sexier than ever, especially when he doesn't have his shirt on. The story and the ending was a lot better than the first too. I thoroughly recommend that you get your ass over to the cinema immediately! lol
Here's the trailer:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
The Phases of Parenthood
When You Find Out
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Sure, boys can wear pink.
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifiers
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the he pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and to the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood spraying.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or slapping the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st baby: You take photos of every milestone in the baby's life, including spitting up, skinned knees, meeting grandma, and more.
2nd baby: You try to take photos at least once a year.
3rd baby: He looks enough like his brother that taking photos is redundant.
MADELEINE McCann’s parents plan to release a special song for their missing daughter.
They hope the touching track, Everything I Do, I Do It For You, will keep the missing girl in the public eye and raise money for their campaign.
Oh that's just wrong-on so many levels!! How about singing "Baby come back" by UB40 and Pato Banton intead? LOL!
Here's the video. Whaddya think? More upbeat innit?
Evil Chipmunk
LMAO It's so silly- and that's why I'm laughing. This chipmunk definitely has a chip on its shoulder!
This should get you fashion-conscious poofs excited
Uber-designer Roberto Cavalli is the latest star of the fashion world to create a limited collection for high street retailer H&M. Italian Cavalli has dressed many A-listers including Madonna, Victoria Beckham, Beyoncé, Gwyneth Paltrow and Charlize Theron. The one-off collection for H&M will go on sale at 200 stores from November 8. It will include 20 pieces of menswear, 25 items of womenswear, lingerie and accessories.
MMmm this cute teacher was sent to prison for a year for shagging a 15 year old pupil. Lucky pupil.
I love the teacher's chin dimple!
The Daily Mail:
"His schoolboy lover, Karl, is now 19 and trying to forget this traumatic chapter of his life. He lives with his mother, Donna Stacy, her husband and four younger siblings at the family's terrace house in Reading and is working as a receptionist at a local hairdresser's (and I'm guessing soon to be training as a hairdresser).
Meanwhile, his former lover is in prison reflecting on the price he is paying for abusing his position so ruthlessly."
Somehow I don't think the boy was quite traumatised. Bitch probably loved every minute of it!
Tsk, why didn't I have any hot teachers? Well, there was a fit PE teacher, but I wasn't exactly into sports so I usually skipped it.
Friday, June 22, 2007
A NEW mum was given a parking ticket – while she was breastfeeding her baby in her car.
She said: “My daughter was screaming and I wasn’t prepared to take her, distressed, to find a machine to buy a ticket. I knew that after a few minutes she’d be satisfied and I’d be able to go and pay for my parking. I was so upset.”
Serves you right! Babies get distressed all the time; it's what they do. Pay your ticket, then you can lob out your tit!
I hate it when mothers think they should get preferential treatment. If you haven't got the skills to look after your sprog in public, then stay at home and remain there until you do!
Stab victim continues wanking!
A Brisbane woman stabbed a male friend twice in the shower after he refused to stop masturbating in front of her children.
Defence lawyers for Kylie Louise Wilson, 28, said the mother of two "lost it" when her friend of six years, Daniel Peter Blair, went on a masturbation marathon on April 6 last year.
Brisbane's District Court this morning heard Mr Blair had showed up at Wilson's unit at Birkdale unit, in Redland Shire, where he took amphetamines before having a shower.
Whilst in the bathroom, Mr Blair, 32, began pleasuring himself, before moving to Wilson's bedroom, where he rolled around naked on her bed and continued his lewd conduct.
He returned to the bathroom for more and was busted by Wilson, who was attempting to bath her three-and-a-half year-old daughter.
The court heard Mr Blair refused her repeated requests to stop, prompting her to fetch a knife from the kitchen which she used to stab him twice in the left shoulder.
Crown prosecutors said Mr Blair paused only to put on his shorts and flee outside to wait for police to arrive, but was again overcome by the urge.
"Despite his injury, it seems (Mr Blair) continued to masturbate while in the garage," the prosecutor said.
Harrison Ford in the 4th Indiana Jones Movie
Will he or won't he be using that broom handle to walk?
Ahh I love that Indiana Jones look. Future lovers take note. lol
A 16-year-old girl is due in the High Court to accuse her school of discriminating against Christians by banning the wearing of "purity rings".
Lydia Playfoot was told by Millais School in Horsham, West Sussex, to remove her ring, which symbolises chastity, or face expulsion.
She says Sikh and Muslim pupils can wear bangles and headscarves in class.
The school denies breaching her human rights, insisting the ring is not an essential part of the Christian faith.
The rings are inscribed with a reference to the biblical verse Thess 4:3-4, which translates as: "God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body and live in holiness and honour."
What do we think? No doubt the Daily Mail will be outraged. Why can't the virgin just wear a chastity belt instead? That's what I do. lol
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Passengers on a transatlantic flight had to endure the smell of human excrement for hours as sewage overflowed from the toilets during their journey.
All but one of the toilets on board the packed Continental Airlines 767 flight from Amsterdam to Newark, New Jersey, had broken whilst they were over the Atlantic.
Passengers said they had to stomach the smell for hours and were apparently advised by the flight attendants not to eat or drink too much, even though they were still serving food.
One passenger Collin Brock, told America's KING 5 News: "To be blatantly honest, I was more nervous than I had ever been on a flight.
"I've never felt so offended in all my life. I felt like I had been physically abused and neglected. I was forced to sit next to human excrement for seven hours.
"It's a nauseating smell. It's very uncomfortable."
Oh just deal with it! I have to endure poo smells every day (yes, even while eating my dinner) because of my fucking granny. Tsk!
So, who wants to come round to dinner on the weekend? lol I can promise you one thing- a very aromatic dish! lol
World's smallest doggie!
The three-year-old short-coat chihuahua has been named the smallest living dog in the world by Guinness World Records.
He stands just 12.4cm (4.9in) tall and weighs less than 635g (1lb 6oz).
Awww!
Morris and his wife Esther
Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year,and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".
One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 quid is £50 quid.......!"Holiday swimming pools are putting the health of millions of Britons at risk amid evidence they contain up to 30 different bugs.
Hotels and apartment blocks in popular destinations across Europe are failing to ensure their pools are properly filtered, cleaned and disinfected.
Sweat, urine, mucus, saliva, hair, dead skin and faecal matter - not to mention sun cream, perfume and cosmetics - are among the pollutants introduced by bathers into pools.
Ewwwww! See? This is why I don't swim. You never know whose shit and piss you'll be consuming. lol
Police are investigating the firey death of a man who burst into flames after dousing himself in petrol and then being shot with a taser gun.
Officers used the gun after the man had poured gasoline over himself.
Juan Flores Lopez, 47, died on Tuesday at a hospital in Texas.
"We don't know what ignited the fire," police said.
Excuse me?
A couple's bid to officially name their new son "4real," has been blocked by authorities, saying numerals are not allowed.
Pat and Sheena Wheaton decided to name their new baby "4real" shortly after glimpsing him for the first time as a fetus during an ultrasound examination and were struck by the reality of his impending arrival.
Mrs Wheaton, from New Zealand, told TV One: "For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name.
"With this name, everyone knows what it means."
Yeah, it means you've condemned your offspring to a life of ridicule! CHAV!
London is gearing up for a big switch-off tonight.
St Paul's Cathedral is the latest landmark to announce it will be switching off its lights at 9pm for one hour to raise awareness of green issues.
The iconic building will be plunged into darkness, along with Buckingham Palace, the Houses of Parliament, and homes and businesses in the capital.
"Raise awareness of green issues". I don't think so. All these crappy symbolic gestures do absolutely nothing! My light will be shining brightly because of the growing hysteria surrounding such green issues. Tell China and the US to do something first- they're going to have the biggest impact!
Prim and proper gorillas
The apes have been found to pluck giant forest leaves after scoffing messy meals of fruit. They then use them as serviettes to wipe their faces and paws clean. Observers in Gabon, west Africa, were amazed by the delicate habit. Strange isn't it? Even some of Britain's underclass can't be bothered to wipe their mouths with a serviette or the like, preferring to use their sleeves instead.
POLITE gorillas mind their table manners when eating by using “napkins”, researchers have discovered.
The £4,500 electric T3 has a siren and flashing lights, can turn on the spot, go up to 25mph and has a range of more than 20miles. Running costs are just 20p a day. It has been a hit in America and was unveiled ahead of British trials yesterday in Manchester. Does that thing really go 25mph? I very much doubt it. Are these coppers getting lazy or what? If speed is what you're looking for- use a motorbike. Alternatively, use a bicycle- it's a lot more manoeuvrable!
PC Colin Chamberlain becomes the first bobby photographed on a three-wheeled scooter set to revolutionise police patrols.
Want to volunteer?
The European Space Agency (Esa) is seeking volunteers for a simulated human trip to Mars, in which six crew spend 17 months in an isolation tank.
They will live and work in a series of interlocked modules at a research institute in Moscow.
Once the hatches are closed, the crew's only contact with the outside world is a radio link to "Earth" with a realistic delay of many minutes.
The goal is to gain insight into human behaviour and group dynamics under the kinds of conditions astronauts would experience on a journey to Mars.
In all, 12 European volunteers will be needed. They must be aged 25-50, be in good health, have "high motivation" and stand up to 185cm tall. Smokers, or those with other addictions, to alcohol or illicit drugs, for example, will be rejected.
ESA is also looking for a working knowledge of both English and Russian.
"We will do pre-selection, medical tests, psychological tests, etc. But at the end, you really have to see how they react in as close to a real situation as possible on Earth," explained Mr Gardini.
Marc Heppener, of Esa's Science and Application Division, said the crewmembers would get paid 120 euros (158 dollars) a day.
For further information, click HERE!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Toilet Paper Folder & Dispenser
For people so unbelievably lazy that they can't even be bothered to roll up some sheets of bog roll. Judging by the amount of paper dispensed by the prototype, there's gonna be a lot of blocked toilets!
If the invention doesn't take off, it could always be used in the making of fresh pasta!
A vibrating condom has sparked a row in India, over whether it's a contraceptive or a sex toy.
The pack of three condoms, branded as Crezendo, contains a battery-operated ring-like device, reports the BBC.
Critics say it's a vibrator, and should be banned under Indian laws which outlaw sex toys and pornography.
Makers Hindustan Latex say the Crezendo, which sells for £1.50 a pack, "provides ultimate pleasure by producing strong vibrations".
I have to have it! Where can I get it? And when the hell is someone gonna try it on me?Indian slaps judge with his slipper!
An Indian man allegedly hurled a slipper at a court judge who promptly threw a paperweight back in reply.
Nazir Mohammad was in court in Baroda on charges of housebreaking and theft when he jumped out of the witness box and rushed towards the judge.
The robber, reportedly irritated with the slow pace of the case, took off his slipper and threw it at Chief judicial magistrate C D Vaghela.
Judge Vaghela immediately picked up a paperweight from his desk and threw it back at the accused, reports Midday.
Mohammed, who attacked two other judges last year in similar fashion, has been sent back to prison with an extra offence registered against him.
A drunk Russian woman had to be pulled out of a newly-laid road after she fell into a concrete mixer and then into a pool of drying asphalt.
She saw her path was blocked by machinery left by workers who were taking a break from resurfacing a road and tried to step over the machinery.
But she slipped and fell into a concrete mixer which had been left on and after a few minutes of being twirled around inside with the concrete mix she was "poured" out onto a pool of asphalt.
As she struggled to get out of the asphalt mix she slipped further into it until only her head was sticking out. She was pulled out by rescue workers who were called by workmen when they came back from their break.
A rescue service spokesman said: "'Despite the fact that only part of her mouth was out in the open she did not shut up and kept on telling us what we should be doing. It was really annoying."
A Chinese man has reportedly found flowers growing from a steel pipe in his vegetable garden.
Grandpa Ding told Sohu News: "I was cleaning the pipes, then my hand touched something fluffy."
Ding says he was surprised to see the patch of tiny white flowers growing on the smooth steel.
"The stems are slimmer than human hair, and altogether there are 38 small white flowers on top," he said.
The flowers open in the mornings, then close when the sun grows strong. Each flower has a diameter of 1mm.
Ding has consulted his neighbours, who believe the flowers are the legendary Youtan Poluo flower, which blossoms only once every 3,000 years.
"No soil, no water. These flowers bring me good luck," he added.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Police officers have slammed a stag-party reveller who jet-skied naked on the Tyne.
The 54-second clip shows the man, dubbed Borat Impersonato, on the back of the jet-ski driven by a second man wearing a helmet.
They make a U-turn near Gateshead's Millennium Bridge but are thrown off and swim back to the jet ski as it floats away.
Suspicious officers noticed murderer Tony Pile’s discomfort on a search of his cell. He finally confessed and grimaced cross-eyed as he produced the cable and plug.
A few days ago I posted a story about a prisoner shoving a mobile phone up his ass. Now another prisoner has been caught with a mobile phone CHARGER up his bum! Oh, and the prisoner's name is Pile. LMAO!
A sadistic computer game based on a murder spree has been banned from shops.
Manhunt 2 was rejected by the British Board of Film Classification because of its “casual sadism”.
A spokesman said: “It constantly encourages visceral killing” with “unrelenting focus on stalking and brutal slaying”.
The game involves a psychiatric patient who goes on a killing rampage. It is the first time since 1997 that a violent video game has been banned.
That game looks amazing-and so much fun! I think it's ridiculous that the BBFC should BAN a fucking computer game just because a few psychopaths might be influenced by it! Grrrrr, who the fuck are the BBFC to say that I shouldn't be able to play a computer game? I don't need a regulatory body telling me what's not good for me. It's entertainment for God's sake!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers day:
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Well, I'm very glad to officially announce today as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!
Here are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
If questioned by a supervisor, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!
Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of, and get to slapping....and have a great day!
An awful joke
Wine tasting trip
Visiting France on a wine tasting trip , a woman drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
*Big groan*
Reasons E-mail Is Like a Penis
Top 10 Reasons E-mail Is Like a Penis10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
Three Priests
This joke wasn't good enough to make me chuckle but maybe it'll do something for you:
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to
Pittsburgh . Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy,
shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She
made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who
would get the tickets.
>The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would
like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and
fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like
three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples
and dimes."Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons.." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I
would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing
like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake
his Peter at you."
They took the bus.
Statues scattered across central London rooftops as part of artist Antony Gormley's latest exhibition are proving a serious headache for police.
Since the 31 life-sized replicas of Gormley's naked body went up in early May, police have been bombarded with telephone calls from members of the public reporting that they had spotted a would-be suicide jumper.
Teen switches off life support machine 'cause it was too noisy
A teenager in intensive care unplugged his neighbour's life support machine because the noise was keeping him awake.
Frederik Moelner, 17, said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine as it helped 76-year-old Hermann Berghof breathe kept waking him up.
A police spokesman from Landshut in southern Germany said: "He told us the noise was getting on his nerves and he thought this was the best way to make sure he got peace and quiet.
"Luckily the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine. If there had been any delay the old man could have died."
Moelner is now being questioned by police.
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for l'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is luv," the captain said. "This is the Isle of Man Ferry."
A giant manta ray has been the first to be born in captivity -and has brought a nation to a standstill as it was born live on television.
Video footage below shows the 6ft baby being squeezed out of her mother's body rolled up like a carpet, before unfurling her fins and flitting gracefully across the tank at the Okinawa Churaumi Aquarium in Japan's southernmost prefecture.
LOL When I first saw it I thought the manta ray was taking a huge a dump!
Frustrated men in a village where women are outnumbered ten to one have hatched a plan to lure ladies by the coach-load.
The men, fed up with nights spent in the pub without a sniff of romance, have arranged for buses to bring single women in from neighbouring towns.
Lonely heart Al Rutherford, 20, said:
'We've no chance of finding anyone. It would be nice to have some female company here.' And when the lucky ladies arrive in remote Weardale, County Durham, they will be whisked away to a singles night at the Golden Lion pub on June 30.
I think us gays should pay these lonely boys a visit. Who knows? There might be someone for us too!
With a mischievous smile, Denise dims the lights in the bedroom and winks suggestively at her husband, Phil, who’s sitting naked on the edge of the bed. He grins excitedly back at his wife. It’s their secret signal – and he knows what’s coming next. Slowly, Denise, 32, strips down to a tiny thong. Then she stalks across the room, places her fingertips on Phil’s chest and pushes him back on to the bed. ‘Stay there – and don’t move,’ she purrs sexily into his ear. KINKY TASTES Reaching under the bed, she pulls out her ‘special’ box and places it on top of the silk covers. Inside is a white feather, a bottle of massage oil, a long red ribbon – and a brown paper bag. Phil moans with anticipation as Denise picks up the paper bag – and slides it over his head. Hmm maybe all this bagging lark is exciting because it diminishes the nausea that arises when going to bed with a minger.
The Sun, at its salacious best:
FORGET dogging! A group of adventurous women get their kicks from a bizarre new sex game. Meet the baggers…
Colostomy gag leaves sour taste
Britain's top anti-racist official apologised "unreservedly" today for making a 'joke' about the late Queen Mother's colostomy bag at a dinner.
Trevor Phillips, the chairman of the Commission for Equality and Human Rights (CEHR), made the gag when giving a speech at a black tie dinner held at Imperial College London on Saturday night.
The 54-year-old's slip-up came as he recounted a memorable conversation he had with palace officials before he danced with the Queen Mother at a ball during his student days.
"There was a clearing of throats and shuffling of feet," he told diners.
"One said, 'Mr Phillips, I need to share something with you. When you're dancing with the Queen Mother you will have to lay your hands on her'. I said, 'Yes, that's what happens in dancing. But I'm not going to grope the Queen Mother'.
"He replied, 'You have to be careful where you put your hands. You have to be careful about the colostomy bag'."
Mr Phillips then reportedly stopped to wait for laughter but, after gasps from some members of the audience, added: "I had to say that after you had dinner."
LOL I'm glad I wasn't at the dinner because I would've burst out (excuse the pun) laughing!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Controversial comedian Bernard Manning has died aged 76 after being treated in hospital for a kidney condition.
I don't usually like to speak ill of the deceased but Bernard was a racist cunt, and to make it worse, he was too dumb to realise his jokes were racist.
Here's a selection of his "jokes":
A charity dinner was held in 1995 near Manchester to raise funds for the police.The dinner was attended by some 300 policemen – all white except for one black officer. Targeting this single Blackman, Bernard launched into a string of racist jibes. His audience (yes, the police audience) all whooped with delight and cheered him on.
“Where is he? How are you, baby? Having a night out with nice people? Isn’t this better than swinging from the trees? – You’re black, I’m white. Do you think colour makes a difference? You bet your bollocks it does!”
“They actually think they’re English because they are born here. That means if a dog’s born in a stable, it is horse.”
“They used to be happy people in the cotton fields, singing their bollocks off day and night. A fella used to go around with a whip… ‘Oh, massa, give us another crack of dat whip. I love dat whip’…”
“A Liverpool docker went to South Africa for a job. The boss tells him: ‘It’s people like you we want here. Here’s a test. There’s a revolver, go out and shoot 6 niggers and a rabbit.’ The docker asks: ‘Why do I have to shoot the rabbit?’ He got the job.”
Later that year (1995), the same Manning made two black waitresses the butt of racist jokes before 500 men at a Round Table dinner at the Pennine Hotel, Derby in the north of England. One of the women, Freda Burton, 24, said that their ordeal started when she bent down to pick a cup she had dropped. Manning quipped "Very nice. That’s how I like my black pudding.”
In a complaint to an industrial tribunal, she alleged that Manning went on to make a series of jokes about sex acts and used words like ‘wog, nigger, sambo’.
He said of her hair braids: “Lend us one. I need some shoe laces for my boots.”
Girl with seven centimetre tongue!
German schoolgirl Annika Irmler has licked her way into the Guinness Book of Records with her whopping seven centimetre tongue. Lucky whore!
"My friends always said I had an incredibly long tongue - I could make lots of money with it one day," said Annika. I bet she could!
I'd give her a fiver to tongue me. Oh wait, how old is she? Oops she's only 12! LOL! I'll have to wait.
She can lick the ice cream from the bottom of a cornet - while her friends have to use their fingers.
She will make many, many guys (well, she'll definitely turn into a slut once she realises what she can do with it) happy. Go girl!
Yay! My distant cousins are wreaking havoc!
Flights have been suspended into Milan airport because of a plague of hares.
The animals invaded the runways at Milan's Linate Airport - and affected the operation of vital equipment.
OMG, I was just Googling my blog (as you do) and came across something interesting.
A while back I posted something about a stammerer in a television documentary. I laughed because he sounded like an '80s rapper. In hindsight, I can see that I shouldn't have said that. My intention wasn't to hurt anyone. I laughed simply because that was my initial reaction. I didn't laugh throughout the documentary! I can understand how frustrating and debilitating the condition might be.
Anyway, I came across one site and the author says:
"I just ran across this video of Mudiaga from a documentary called Help Me To Speak.
"In the video, Mudiaga's frustrations are not appearent trying to book an appointment over the telephone. Also, the person he is speaking to, is well mannered, but it is still (I assume) easy for a non-stutterer to recognize the frustration stuttering can cause. In my humble opinion, the scene was well done.
"The comments are sympathetic for the most part, and a couple bloggers wrote about it, both supportive and mocking."
If you click "mocking", you get my blog! LOL!
And as for the comments:
"That Wabby guy appears to be a real wanker, to use a term he would be familiar with. His only response is something to the effect of "it's my blog and I'll post what I like." No one is questioning his freedom of speech, just his basic sensibilities. I have a feeling there are 10 nice people to every Wabby, but the Wabbys seem to write more."
And on another blog:
"Insensitive comments like this piss me off. But, to a ‘fluent-speaker’, it is hard to understand how much a person who stammers craves to speak without hesitating."
Again, the link points to my blog. Ooops!
Sowwy! Don't judge me for my initial reaction. Yes, I'm strange, and I laugh at inappropriate things. Maybe that's a problem I have.
Here's a snippet:
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that,
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
night.
Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward,
I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a
lorra fun."
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they
went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep
for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm
shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better
sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are
absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette
and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in the other does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept
with a Scouser, she stole ma wallet
Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she
takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter
word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time."
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came
out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally
squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they
are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part
of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.... that was me."
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
New discovery
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PCs. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Julie from Hounslow:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'
Susan from Chelmsford added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'
Hillary from Kent:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'
A quick question
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question.
............................
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that!
She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).
If you thought she was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again then you think like a psychopath. In that case, please let me know so I can take you off my email list unless that will piss you off, in which case I'll be extra nice to you from now on.
This was designed by a famous American Psychologist to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Sorry, this is a crap joke:
A man goes to the doctors cos he's got a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
The doctor says "That looks awful, is it bothering you?"
The man replies "It sure is; it's driving me nuts!"
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
Send the Queen some spam mail!
The Queen has set up her own email account, it has emerged.
But she does not actually type her emails herself - she dictates them, according to the Daily Telegraph.
The 81-year-old monarch, who also has a mobile phone and an iPod mini, revealed her aquisition of an email address at a recent Buckingham Palace garden party.
I'm going to send her this:
Guaranteed to increase, lift and firm your
breasts in 60 days or your money back!!
100% herbal and natural. Proven formula since
1996. Increase your bust by 1 to 3 sizes within 30-60
days and be all natural.
Click here:
http://202.101.163.34:81/li/linxiao/
Absolutely no side effects!
Be more self confident!
Be more comfortable in bed!
No more need for a lift or support bra!
100% GUARANTEED AND FROM A NAME YOU KNOW AND
TRUST!
Teen shags horse after giving up on Sarah Jessica Parker
A US teenager, who's obsessed with Sarah Jessica Parker, has been arrested after he was caught on video having sex with a horse in a barn.
The owners of the barn in Corvallis, Oregon, had installed the video surveillance camera after previous assaults on the horse, reports the Corvallis Gazette-Times.
They were shocked to see footage of the teen sexually assaulting the mare when they checked the video in February.
Deputy Clay Stephens, who viewed the video, said the youth seemed very practiced, not hurried but not wasting any time. Aww, that's nice; he wanted to treat his horsey with lots of love and care. He seemed to be following a "very concise, deliberate, well-thought-out plan".
Police officers rushed to the scene and arrested the teenager who was charged with burglary and sexual abuse of an animal.
Here's the traumatised horse, who doesn't feel quite ready to start dating again.
Fiona Pender, a student at the Edinburgh College of Arts, models her body ornaments which form part of the end of year degree show at the college.
Please don't tell me she actually passed her degree? Those eye-dangly things look like the beaded curtains in my local sex shop.
Jaja Stone thrills a crowd in Jakarta, Indonesia, by pulling a bus along with his dick.
It was part of a strong man contest to mark the city's 480th anniversary. Mr Stone proved he had balls of steel by pulling the 8.9- tonne bus 55 yards using his genitals.
Well that's one way to gain an extra inch or two.
A prisoner who put a mobile phone up his ass to hide it from prison officers was rushed to hospital after it broke apart inside him.
Martin Mahoney, 32, was left writhing in agony after inserting the phone to stop it being found during cell searches.
He spent days trying to get it out, but was eventually forced to confess to guards.
Irishman Mahoney, a burglar, had more than 200 internal stitches after docs were forced to remove part of his bladder. He was recovering last night in the hospital wing at HMP Highpoint in Suffolk.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
OMG, THIS is the faggiest thing I've EVER seen and heard! Watch the video and cringe!
This guy was the winner of Big Brother in Denmark in 2003.
Here's a line from the song:
"It's OK to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way".
LOL It almost makes me want to put on a tutu and feather boa and shake my hips.
Isn't Slough the place where people go to die?
A town much derided for its appearance is holding a celebration of its "contemporary and classic" buildings.
To mark National Architecture Week, a photographic exhibition of the best buildings in Slough has been set up.
Roger Kirkham, the borough council's principal planning officer, said he hoped the exhibition would show the town "in a different light".
Nah, it still looks like a shit hole.
I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose last night:
Here's the trailier:
Now that you've watched the trailer, there's no need for you to see the film. This film was a complete waste of time!
The special effects were mediocre; the story was preposterous (arguing in a court of law that Emily was suffering from demonic possession); Emily's screaming, which I guess was supposed to instil fear in the viewer, just made me want to tell her to shut the fuck up already). I can't believe this is based on a true story!
If you want to see a better film involving religion and possession, just watch Stigmata. That was much more enjoyable.
Hey You! Stop preaching to us!
I've just seen Madonna's official music video for "Hey You". Well, not only is the song shit, but it looks like the video was made on a £10 budget. Again, we've got the flags of the world (how lame- she did that already in American Life), starving Africans, melting glaciers, various politicians (including our very own Gordon Brown- whoo whoo lol), some wind turbines, nuclear power plants, a random polar bear, and any other cliche you can think of.
Don't you dare buy this song! Oh yeah, it's giving a really nice message, but why should we listen to someone who jets around the world in a private plane 100 times a year? Fucking hypocrites. Don't you find it's the people who release the most gas (lol) who are the ones shouting from the rooftops that everyone else should reduce their carbon emissions?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I had to change the layout/design again because I don't think the text was very easy to read. I've tried to make it simple now- I don't want to alienate my 3 regular readers. lol
Plastic surgeons have denounced a website offering 'free' breast implants saying it puts women's health at risk.
The website lets women earn money for their operations by posting photos of themselves and chatting to male 'benefactors' online.
In other words, the women have to work as whores, showing their fried eggs and other bits and chatting seductively to punters, I mean, "benefactors", to earn their Jordan-esque boobies. Luckily for me, I was gifted with natural double Ds. Oh I suppose I could do with going up one cup size....
*Shakes my wobbly ass on cam for my benefactors and waits for the money to roll in.*
Well? I'm still waiting here and my ass is getting cold and my tits are sore with all the shaking! lol
Friday, June 15, 2007
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he
would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the
office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her:
"... And where do you think you're going?"
>(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
Russian men are risking death by drinking aftershave and cleaning agents, a study has suggested.
UK researchers estimated that half of all deaths in working age men in the country are due to hazardous drinking.
Tell us something we don't know.
Those crazy yellas again!
Clinics in a Chinese city are letting patients walk the streets while they have IV infusions to save bed space.
The sight of patients doing their shopping while clutching their drips has become common in the town, reports China News Network.
After the infusion, patients have to take out the needles themselves. Ouch!
Going for an English
A celebrity chef is hoping to persuade Indians to pop out for an "English" when they are hungry.
Manju Malhi is to present a 40-part television series in Delhi promoting British cuisine, reports the BBC.
She is making traditional dishes like shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, and fish and chips - with a few extra spices to please Indian tastebuds.
Ms Malhi said: "Many people say if it doesn't have chillies in it, it's not worth eating (yup, my mum thinks that too), but I don't believe in that. Sometimes if you eat spicy food all the time, you want something that's a little blander. Yay for blandness!
"I've made Welsh rarebit but they weren't too keen: "It's just cheese-on-toast", they say, even though there is a fine art to making it."
To make the food more palatable, Ms Malhi has been modifying her dishes. So fish and chips is made with a pinch of turmeric and a hint of chilli powder to give it a bit of a kick.
Tut. Bitch is doing exactly what my mum does. Whenever we go out for pizza, she brings a little pot of chilli powder.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask for the blandest thing on the menu.
Bangers and mash, minus the turmeric & chilli powder. Erm, is it supposed to look like two severed cocks? It still looks delish.
K-Pax (or whatever his name is) looks like he doesn't know what the hell's going on. I love watching a confused chink. lol
Visitors to Gatwick Airport are being greeted by a naked pole dancer - but not everyone is happy about it.
The giant silhouette of a naked pole dancer painted on a field beneath the airport's flight path could land the marketing company behind it with thousands of pounds' worth of fines.
The 100,000 square foot advert advertising a risque website was painted on a field in Surrey at some time last week and was designed by London-based marketing agency Sports Media Gaming (SMG).
I know I know, it's a slow news day.
A cow that took a wrong turning ended up going for a dip in a swimming pool in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
The "adventurous" animal had apparently escaped from a nearby farm with several other cows on Monday.
The cow looks so indifferent! She probably needed to cool down those udders to stop the milk from curdling.
Father's Day Gift Ideas
The best present you can give your dad is big hug, say "I love you", and cook him a lovely meal.
What is the matter with you all?
- Alison, Cheshire
That's convenient Alison, especially since you are on State benefits.
An elderly farmer in India, who vowed not to marry until he passed his school exams, has failed them for the 38th time.
Shiv Charan Yadav, 73, has been flunking the exams, which are normally taken at 15, since 1969, when he decided to better himself.
Yadav, who now is revising for his 39th attempt in Kohari, Rajasthan, said: 'Once I pass I want to get married to a girl who's under 30.'
He wishes!
Here's my advice to Shiv: stop watching Bollywood films! He sounds worse than my mother. She used to skip school to watch the latest Bollywood films in the cinema, but at least she managed to scrap through her exams in "How to nab a rich foreign husband", "How to bypass Immigration", "How to cook a decent meal without giving your husband Salmonella" and "The treatment of feminine itching".
A gay vicar has been warned not to have sex when he marries his partner later this month.
The Rev Michael Peet, rector of St Mary's in Bow, East London, has been told by the Church of England's ruling General Synod to remain faithful to his vows.
Yeah right. Like that's ever gonna happen. I predict that immediately after the ceremony, the priest will be on his knees and taking a gob-full.
Priests are just like any other man- they all have urges (well, apart from me, but then I've always been idiosyncratic). Once you stir a guy's loins, he'd have to be crazy to tell you to stop.
The Military Police staged a wild “naked bar” in their mess with a bare-breasted blonde girl soldier. Without seeing the picture I thought it might be hot, but now I am just sickened. Where the hell are the sexy soldiers hiding goddamnit?!
RED Caps in charge of Army law and order let it all hang out — in a long riotous night of boozing.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
On tonight's "Embarrassing Illnesses" on Channel 4:
Vaginismus
What is it?
A condition where the muscles around the mouth of the vagina involuntarily go into spasm when the partner tried to insert his penis – so penetration seems impossible.
What causes it?
It's almost entirely psychological, usually resulting from a negative impression of sex, trauma or a bad previous relationship.What can be done about it?
Psychosexual counselling is very effective – according to Relate, it can help over 80% of women with the condition. During the counselling, you're taught how to relax your vaginal muscles, insert small and then progressively larger tampons as you progress. You're encouraged not to attempt full sex, but to increase sexual contact gradually, after which you're taught how to insert your partner's penis as if it were a tampon. There are also some vaginal exercises and other tricks that you can do by yourself.
I think I have the anal equivalent. Well, looks like I'd better start putting small tampons in my arse then, before progressing to jumbo ones. Now which one to choose? Tampax, Lilets, or Asda Freestyle tampons?
LOL here's a review of the Asda Freestylers:
"I hadn't read the instructions properly, and after I had put the tampon in and chucked the tubes down the toilet, I was horrified to see that the applicator tubes refused to flush away!
I spent a panicky ten minutes trying to fish it out with the toilet brush before I resorted to putting my hand, covered with a plastic bag and an elastic band, in the toilet and taking it out. Not my finest moment!"
WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS: "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW".
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY: "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS: "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED: "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE", SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS" , HE SAYS.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE
ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A
BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY" , HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID: "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID: "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED: "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
A US artist and inventor has come up with his latest creation - meat shorts.
Mr McMahon's previous inventions include the Compubeaver - a computer housed in a dead beaver.
WTF? Sticking old rashers of bacon on a pair of shorts is sick!
On the plus side, dogs within a ten mile radius will lick his crotch and ass for quite a while. Should be quite pleasurable. lol
Gigantoraptor
Resembling a cross between an outsize eagle and a giant ostrich, the dinosaur weighed about 1.4 tonnes and stood at twice the height of a man - making it the largest feathered animal ever discovered.
Scientists who found the latest addition to the dinosaur family tree in China admit that they are astonished by its bizarre appearance and monstrous size.
Alien Baby
OK it's not an alien baby, but look at the mouth on that! I could fit my whole fist in there!
The Army spends more feeding its dogs than its soldiers, it has been claimed.
Figures obtained by a Tory MP show that £1.51 a day goes on meals for troops, compared with £2.63 for military dogs.
Mr Penning said: ‘The troops are not getting enough good-quality meals and are missing out on their daily meat and two veg.
Well send 'em over to my place. They'll get their nutritious meat and two veg alright. lol
REGULAR sex helps men live to a ripe old age — but not women, research showed yesterday. Blokes are up to 50 per cent more likely to live past 80 if they have a shag at least once a week. The study showed regular sex cut the risk of death from a stroke by 50 per cent, diabetes by 40 per cent and heart disease by 30 per cent. TUT! Looks like I'll be facing an early grave then. *Wails*
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Ewww. Has Jordan been getting make-up tips from a tranny? Bitch looks like a porn star who's used cum to volumise her hair.
Damn! That pervy judge has been let off for flashing at a female commuter on a train due to insufficient evidence.
Lucky bastard.
Alec Baldwin-vintage
Phwoar that hairy chest! Though it's so thick that mice are probably nesting in there somewhere.
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book
written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictions.
> >>
> >>AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water : 20 Jan - 18 Feb
> >>Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in
> >>long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed
> >>your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>PISCES - The Partner for Life : 19 Feb - 20 Mar
> >>Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last
> >>word.
> >>Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a
> >>good
> >>way. Good Sense of Humor! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants.
> >>Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>ARIES - The Liar : 21 Mar - 19 Apr
> >>Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent
> >>kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>TAURUS - The Tramp : 20 Apr - 20 May
> >>Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight
> >>for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of
> >>need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a
> >>kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive
> >>people on earth!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>GEMINI - Irresistible : 21 May - 20 Jun
> >>Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know
> >>where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy.
> >>Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing, VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make
> >>out.
> >>Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong.
> >>
> >>THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>CANCER - The Cutie : 21 Jun - 22 Jul
> >>MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very
> >>romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative.
> >>Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great
> >>telling stories. Not a Fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes
> >>down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>LEO - The Lion : 23 Jul - 22 Aug
> >>Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun.
> >>Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing.
> >>Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves
> >>being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to
> >>find.
> >>Good when found.
> >>
> >>
> >>VIRGO - The One that Waits : 23 Aug - 22 Sep
> >>Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the
> >>last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you
> >>ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
(I promise, I'm really not a dom. Honest! The rest is all true though. lol)
> >>LIBRA - The Lame One : 23 Sep - 22 Oct
> >>Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and
> >>sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!
> >>however not the kind of person you wanna mess with ... u might end up
> >>crying...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>SCORPIO - The Addict : 23 Oct - 21 Nov
> >>EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor.
> >>Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want.
> >>Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative.
> >>Romantic. Caring.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One : 22 Nov - 21 Dec
> >>Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in
> >>long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very
> >>pretty.
> >>Very romantic.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover : 22 Dec - 19 Jan
> >>Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.
> >>Irresistible.
> >>Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or
> >>she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to
> >>joke. Smart.
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better.
I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella Instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he
saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang,bang,bang", and
the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly"...
Die Hard, re-enacted by fluffy bunnies.
Geri and her trainer/bodyguard (again)
God, he's so big! Woof! Think he might have inadequacy issues?
I think I have a calf fetish. No I don't mean I like shagging cattle! His calf muscles are sexy.
Dog gives birth to a "kitten"
A dog has become a local celebrity in a Chinese village after she reportedly gave birth to a kitten.
Hua Chengpeng, of Huayang village, Jiangyan city, told People's Daily that the unlikely animal was the third 'puppy' in his pet's litter.
"The first two puppies the dog produced were both normal, but when the third baby came, the whole family was very surprised to see a cat-like creature. It is a cat, not a dog at all," he said.
Local residents have been flocking to his house to see the 'kitten' which local vets say is really a puppy which looks like a cat because of a gene mutation. It apparently yaps like a puppy.
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has created a contemporary armchair entirely from recycled drinks cans.
The interior designer was commissioned by Can Couture to make the Can Can Chair using nothing but cans he and his family collected from around the house.
How can this guy not be gay??! That is a chair fit for a queen!
Pet owner Nick Paton has helped cure his parrot of a chest infection - by taking him into the shower.
Nick, 33, takes Tocky the parrot into the shower cubicle with him every night for 20 minutes while he washes.
Maroon-bellied conure Tocky had been suffering from a chest infection and his normal squawk had been replaced with a wheeze.
Conures are native to Brazil and live in a humid habitat, but the dry British air had caused Tocky to develop a slight cough.
In the rainforest the two-year-old bird would be able to breathe in humidity to clear his chest and so needed some moisture in the air.
A vet suggested engineer Nick and wife Karen, 34, take the bird into the bathroom or shower to help shift the infection.
The shower proved to be a big success and after two weeks' of ablutions Tocky's chest is now clear.
Awww so cute! I love parrots! Although they do smell when wet.
Could Madge suck in her cheeks any more??
If she's that good at sucking in her cheeks, then Guy must be a very lucky guy indeed.
When are we going to see him with his top off?
A source close to the star said: "She is obsessed with looking younger. Some nights she'll cover herself with thick moisturising creams and sleep in protective suits. It's meant to be the only way skin can be totally moisturised." LMAO What a load of bull!
Friends claim Madonna's anti-ageing regime also includes wearing drapes to stop the sun giving her wrinkles. She has stepped up her exercise to three hours daily.
Three hours daily? That's just wrong. Why not do what Sticktoria Beckham does: just eat a few edamame beans and very occasionally have some sushi. The weight will pile off due to the ensuing diarrhoea. LOL I bet someone will scoop up Madge's diarrhoea and sell it on eBay. And the sad thing is that her hard core fans will pay!!!!
Mother disappointed by lesbian daughter. How nice.
"When I look back at the photos of Sarah as a little girl, I can't help but feel sad. She was so pretty. In one she is standing in a dress and Wellington boots, looking such a picture with her blonde curly hair. In another, she is at school with her long hair in pigtails.
"Now, she has come out as gay and I look at her - with her short hair and masculine clothes, - and wonder where did we as parents go wrong? I will always love Sarah, but I can't help feeling that how she has turned out is such a disappointment.
I do tell people that Sarah is gay - and they only have to see her to guess. But it's not something I bring up with every stranger because it's a conversation stopper.
"For example, it makes polite conversation at a dinner party difficult. When I tell people that my other daughter Heather is married, people can ask about whether she has children and how old they are.
"But once you've told someone your daughter is gay, you can see them flailing around, desperately searching for the right words.
"I also feel Sarah would create a better first impression if she grew her hair and dressed in a more feminine way. But she seems to take pleasure in dressing to shock me."
Are you a retrosexual or just a campy straight man?
First it was the metrosexual man but now it's the turn of the retrosexual.
There are three million retrosexuals in the UK today, according to new research.
These 'real' men are easily defined by five defining characteristics: heroism, confidence, strength, bravery, and gallantry. Shit, I have none of those characteristics!
Around 97 per cent of retrosexuals earn over £34,000, are likely to be adventure junkies who take risks and be good at fixing things round the house.
And the best bit? Apparently women find this new breed of man irresistible with 92 per cent of them saying that retrosexual qualities are the biggest turn-on in a partner or lover.
If you're a girl who got on well with your father, your future partner with your father, your future partner will look like him.
Equally, a bad relationship with your dad means you won't be attracted to men who resemble him, it is claimed.
Those are the findings of a study of the facial characteristics of partners and fathers of a group of women.
Psychologist Dr Lynda Boothroyd, from Durham University, helped carry out the research involving 49 Polish women.
Not quite a terrorist attack
Stinky nappies turned out to be the source of a toxic poisoning scare which saw firefighters donning chemical protection suits after six bin men were overcome by fumes.
The incident in Seven Kings, East London, saw the bin men taken to hospital with watery eyes and sore throats after a bag broke during collection.
But a spokesman for their employer, Redbridge Council, said: 'It appears that ammonia from a bag of used nappies had mixed with some kind of chemical and caused this scare.'
Sir Stephen Richards, 56, said the black Calvin Klein briefs were typical of the type he wore. He told City of Westminster magistrates that two hands would be needed to take out his manhood when wearing them. Lord Justice Richards said doing so on a busy train would be “absurdly risky”. What crappy evidence. "Here's the pants I usually wear". What panties was he actually wearing at the time?! That's the important bit.
A JUDGE accused of flashing at a train passenger held up a pair of pants in court yesterday.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Gay Bomb
The Pentagon has confirmed it was building a "gay bomb" that would make their enemies more interested in fucking each other rather than fucking them over.
Edward Hammond of the Sunshine Project said:
"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another. The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soldiers would become gay."
The Pentagon said it was proposed in 1994, but quickly dismissed.
I sent some advice to an internal client by e-mail today and my boss sent me this e-mail as a result:
Wabby,
Just read your latest counsel to [the client].
Excellent !!!!!!!
The language, style and tone makes the Contract Support product consistent
across both your output and mine. Well done.
[Fat Ass]
What's he getting so excited about? It was a friggin' e-mail! Nothing special.
I must say, I find it difficult to accept that such comments are indeed genuine or is he just being patronising? My colleague just hinted that I don't really show much enthusiasm. That's true, but then maybe I haven't found anything to be enthusiastic about. I wish I could be passionate about something. Urgh, life has been sucked out of me. I don't think contracts and e-mails are going to exude much passion from me.
I need some career suggestions. Lap dancing is out since my hips are starting to squeak.
Dr Alan slept with a patient
Dr Alan had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Alan don't worry about it, you aren't the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last, and you're single, so just let it go.
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering: 'Alan you're a fuckin' vet'.
ITALIAN LOVER
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Want toned, shapely legs?
Then you need to buy these revolutionary flip flops.
Dubbed 'FitFlops', they are designed to help tone and trim your legs by engaging muscles for a longer period of time with each step.
Designers claim that the "multi-density midsole" focuses on thighs, calves and ass.
And they say that the specially-engineered sandals also absorb shock and reduce the danger of suffering joint strain.
The King's Road Sporting Club (KRSC) in London, which was one of the first stores to stock FitFlops, sold more than 700 pairs in the first three days.
Don't they sell 'em in more manly colours? I can't be wearing that!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. 'Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector', says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' 'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
To which the coroner replies : 'Thought he was having his picture taken'
Health officials in India are descending on pornographic theatres to distribute condoms in a bid to halt soaring rates of HIV/Aids and other sexually-transmitted diseases.
They are targeting the illegal porn cinemas in Gujarat as part of a drive to encourage safer sex.
Officials say the theatres' clientele are considered a 'high-risk' group - often migrant labourers or travelling workers who are more likely to engage in unsafe sex away from home.
OMG, I didn't know India had such cinemas! I wonder what kind of porn they show. Does it involve a 45 minute Bollywood dance before getting nekkid and shagging for 5 minutes? When I went to India at the age of 10, I did notice the cinema was very popular. Now I know why. Filthy brownies. lol
That reminds me. Kpy went to a porn cinema in Soho a while ago. Oi, did you take your panties off or were you just being your usual observant self?
White Supremacist Doggy!
A Belgian businessman rejected a Nigerian job applicant because the businessman said his own dog was racist and would bite non-whites, Belgian media reported on Saturday.
The 53-year-old man Nigerian told De Standaard newspaper he arrived at the Belgian's wrought-iron business and was immediately confronted by the barking dog.
The Belgian turned the man away before he could even enter, and wrote on his labour office letter that he could not hire the man because of his colour, adding there was a risk the dog would bite him.
The local labour office has concluded that the Belgian was racist and has removed him from its list of potential employers.
'My dog is racist. Not me,' the Belgian told De Standaard.
A would-be murderer who crapped on trains to "purge" himself of inner voices urging him to kill has been detained indefinitely in a secure mental hospital.
Over several months Bonney Eberendu, 36, ran up a £50,000 damages bill as teams of "specialist cleaners" were forced to withdraw rolling stock from service and spend hours cleaning up after him.
Passing sentence, Judge Christopher Elwen described his offences as "revolting".
LOL! Does it take specialist training to clean shit? A two-year NVQ, followed by continuing professional development (CPD)? My granny's carer cleans shit everyday. All it takes is disinfectant, paper, and elbow grease (when it's particularly sticky- e.g. after having KFC or greasy Indian food).Right, it's my lunch break now. Bon appetit! I'm having nuggets. LOL
Princess lands on her royal ass
The Princess Royal landed on her arse after slipping on a cobbled street – then gave an ear-bashing to a man who tried to help her.
The slip-up happened in front of hundreds of people as Princess Anne visited Guernsey on Monday.
The island's bailiff, Sir Geoffrey Rowland, rushed into action after the fall, but was told by the flustered royal: 'Don't do that, thank you. Grabbing me round my [inaudible] won't help.'
What an ungrateful bitch! Sir Geoffrey Rowland should've just stood there (like how everyone else did) and watched the hag try and get up herself. If only she had lost bladder control at the time. That would have been the icing on the proverbial cake.
