Nasty toe sucker finally caught!

OCEAN CITY, N.J. --

The bizarre case of the toe-sucker may be closed.

On Friday at around 6 p.m., the Ocean City Police Department went to the Gardens area to investigate a sighting of a man who matched the description of the person wanted for harassing a juvenile on June 25.

The Suspect, Kevin L. Massaro was charged as a result of the June 25 incident where he helped a 12-year-old girl untangle her kite then put her foot in his mouth and sucked and licked her at the North Street Beach.

*Shudders*

Princess is ginger

Glamour whore, Jordan, has been left completely baffled after her new born daughter, Princess Tiàamii, turned out ginger.

Jordan, 29, and husband Peter Andre both have naturally brown hair, which has left the couple curious about how the red crop occurred.

Worryingly for Andre, 34, the only option Jordan can think of is the couple's gardener!

Jordan added: 'I don't know where the ginger comes from. We had a ginger gardener.'

How Princess might look. lol

The classy blonde, also used the opportunity to tell the public how big her husband's penis is, comparing it to the TV remote saying:

'It's the size of the Sky+ one – the one with the grey bits on – that's bigger than normal remote.'

Yikes. My willy only just about reaches the "0" button. LOL

Have you seen this ass pincher?

Police were today hunting a man seen pinching Channel 4 News presenter Sue Turton's arse as she was reporting live on television.

Although she does not wish to pursue the matter, police said they intend to issue the man with an £80 fine.

As Ms Turton was speaking to camera last week, a man in Oxford's flood-hit Osney Island walked past and pinched her. She carried on regardless, delivering her two-way report, which has had thousands of viewings on YouTube.

Jurors experiment with panties

A convicted rapist walked free from court today after it emerged that the jury which tried him carried out experiments on pairs of women's panties.

Paul Boseley was sentenced to six-a-half years jail for the offence, but was granted conditional bail minutes later after Judge David McEvoy said the 22-year-old had good grounds for an appeal against his conviction.

The victim's knickers, which were found to have been torn in three places, were used as an exhibit during the case.

But it was discovered yesterday that the jurors had "considered matters which were not part of the evidence" after buying five pairs of knickers to see how easily they would tear.

Judge McEvoy today certified that the tests carried out on the knickers and the fact that a juror had drawn a sketch of him during the trial were grounds for appeal.

Just so you know, my panties rip quite easily from the back *nudge nudge wink wink* lol

The wonderfully eloquent Pete Doherty has made a public plea to Kate Moss to forgive him for cheating on her.

Doherty, 28, currently undergoing rehabilitation said: 'I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brains.'

But the druggie also claims that he was subject to physical abuse from the supermodel.

'Kate's a nasty old rag who kicked me in the head,' he told a newspaper. LOL!

She accused me of fucking this girl who lives around the corner.'

'We were watching a DVD together and Kate started going 'I could tell by the way you were sitting back there that you fucked her. 'I said 'You're out of your fucking mind''.

'I was really up for some peace and love that morning. I wasn't up for being called a cunt and being kicked in the head.'

'I grabbed my guitar and books and said 'I'm never going to be treated this way again.'

I registered on Second Life a while ago but I didn't really know how to use it and well, being an impatient sod, I didn't bother logging on again. Today I received this email:

Dean21 Rossini has invited you to join a group in Second Life.

To join this group, you will have to pay a signup fee of L$5.

Group:
Kinky ESCORT Club: Welcome to Kinky Escorts, Home of the hottest
kink escorts at SL.

This is a great place to advertise for Escorts and any other business
you may want to advertise for.

At Purple Velvet we are all about supplying superb escorts.
We strive to keep our customers happy.  We strive to keep our rates as
competitive as possible.

You love BDSM, Clinic, Rubber, RP, Humiliation, Lesbian or
other stuff, call the girls and they do it for you.

You are being invited into the group's role: V.I.P. Member.

Log in to accept or decline this invitation.

Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have named my avatar "Slutty Rossini". LOL!

Health News

A cup of coffee could help protect your skin from the sun, US scientists say.

A combination of exercise and caffeinated water reduced the skin-damaging effects of ultra-violet radiation in experiments on mice.

The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences study found the mice's natural defence against pre-cancerous cells was boosted by up to 400%.

But a UK expert warned that coffee was "definitely not a substitute" for sun protection.

CHIPPENDALE 30TH REUNION

Now you can rent a dog!

Dog lovers who do not have the time or space to keep a full-time pet are being offered the chance to hire a part-time one.

Marlena Cervantes supplies dogs by the day or the weekend, and says her service, FlexPetz, is like a holiday time-share.

"Our members are responsible in that they realise full-time ownership is not an option," said Miss Cervantes, 32, a behavioural therapist who came up with the idea when working with animals and autistic children.

The service is currently available in Los Angeles and San Diego, but Miss Cervantes hopes to open in London by the end of the year.

Members pay an annual fee of £50, a monthly subscription of £25, and £20 per visit by "their" dog.

The fees include leads, bowls, beds and food which are supplied for every trip.

Miss Cervantes says her dogs ideally are shared by only two or three "owners", and live in a kennel the rest of the time.

Amateur photographer Brian Valentine specialises in making the everyday look exotic with the wonders of macro photography, using special lens to magnify his subjects.

All these pictures were taken in his garden in Worthing, Sussex, and show the incredible beauty of flowers reflected in dewdrops and raindrops, usually on a simple blade of grass.

Crappy Souvenirs

What could look more perfect on a mantelpiece than a sculpture lovingly crafted out of panda crap?

Souvenirs made from this rare material are on offer at the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base, in Sichuan province, China, as a money-spinning scheme to get rid of the droppings.

'We used to spend at least 6,000 yuan a month to get rid of the droppings but now they can be lucrative,' said Jing Shimin, assistant to the director.

The base houses 40 giant pandas which are fed on a diet of bamboo and until recently staff had to clean up almost a ton of excrement every day.

But now a local handicraft company is creating the souvenirs, including Olympic-themed sculptures, with 'athletic pandas performing various Olympic sports' and even picture frames.

'They don't smell too bad because 70 per cent of the dung is just remains of the bamboo that the pandas are unable to digest,' Jing added.

The process involves drying and sterilizing the dung at 300 degrees Celsius before being modelled.

It is not the first time that panda excrement has been used as a raw material - Chiang Mai zoo in Thailand announced last year that they were making paper items from their pandas' waste.

Black is best

You and your filthy mind! I wasn't talking about that! Although to be honest, if a big black one came charging towards me, I'd be running for my life, shrieking over the hills!

A new website has turned Google's white screen black in a bid to do its bit for the environment by saving energy.

Blackle, a customised version of Google's search engine, is based on claims that monitors need more power to display a light screen than a dark one.

The idea was inspired by a post on the ecoIron blog in January which claimed that black Google would save 750 megawatt hours a year worldwide given the popularity of the search engine.
However critics are unsure about the energy savings and some say that clarity is lost because black web pages are harder to read.

Sian Berry of the Green Party said the energy saved was equivalent to 750,000 kettles being boiled for an hour.

She said: 'If you have the old style of chunky monitor, having most of the screen black does reduce the amount of energy used.

'But if you have got a flat screen it won't make any difference.'

Who needs Action Man, when you can have a Biblical character instead?

In an appeal to young toy lovers, the 30cm (12in) figure can quote scriptures to children to turn them on to the Bible. All you have to do is press a button on its back. Classy huh? I think its ass doubles as a pencil sharpener too!

The range of 21 Christian dolls includes all your favourite Bible characters and scenes, including Samson, Goliath, Daniel, Noah, Jonah and the whale and the nativity scene.

Each toy comes with a book to explain its story.

The figures, aimed at three to 12- year-olds, are being sold by giant supermarket Wal-Mart in the US.

David Socha, from manufacturers One2believe, said: 'We are aware of the influence that toys have on our young children's impressionable minds, so we would like to see more God-honouring options available.'

Wal-Mart, which owns Asda, said it had no plans to sell the toys in British stores. What a shame!

A teenage girl who claims two soldiers from Prince Harry's regiment raped her "enjoyed" the threesome, a court was told yesterday.

David Wright, 25, said the 17-year-old was "moaning" with pleasure as he and Adam Bray, 21, took turns having sex with her on a park bench while a dozing tramp watched.

LMAO! Lucky tramp!

Hugh Dancy

The world owes a debt to the United States for its leadership in the fight against international terrorism, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said.

Arriving for his first formal talks as PM with President Bush, he said the UK's "most important bilateral relationship", was that with the US.

Well, it certainly looks like Gordon has crawled up Bush's ass and made a nice home for himself. Bombing a country with just anecdotal evidence of WMDs does not indicate great leadership. What it does reveal is a megalomaniac who'll stop at nothing to get what he wants. Shame on him for making the world a more dangerous place!

Insensitive advert

The White House has revealed that George Bush and Gordon Brown's lunch today will be cheeseburgers, French fries and onion rings, followed by banana pudding. Classy. Hopefully when Bush comes to Scotland, Brown will feed Bush that famous Scottish dish-haggis! You think Bush will be gracious enough to eat it?


Haggis, in all its splendour. Bloody 'ell, it looks like a gargantuan grub worm!

Birth control is to be used on pigeons in California in an effort to combat the "unmanageable" mess their increasing numbers are causing.

Unfortunately, it is not realistic to expect the flying rats to use the withdrawal method so a contraceptive called OvoControl P, which interferes with egg development, will be put in bird food in new rooftop feeders in Hollywood.

The population growth has been partly blamed on a woman known locally as the 'Bird Lady' who has dumped large bags of pigeon feed in dozens of areas.

The rambunctious Bird Lady.

The DVLA have stepped in to ban a list of naughty number-plates before the new 57 registrations arrive.

They were forced to act to stop cheeky drivers using the number combination to "spell out" offensive or controversial words.

Officials feared the figures 5 and 7 - on new plates from September - may be used to represent letters S and T or S and Y.

That could have seen cars on the streets with registrations TE57 CLE (Testicle), EC57 ASY (Ecstasy), BA57 ARD (Bastard), MY57 ASH (My Stash), H057 AGE (hostage) and HE57 ABS (stabs).

Also banned is EA57 GAL (Easy Gal).

A DVLA spokesman said the plates were blocked "to avoid causing "general offence or embarrassment"

The parable of the NHS

There was once a boat race between a Japanese crew and a NHS team. Both practised long and hard to reach their peak performance but on the big day the Japanese won by two hundred and fifty boat lengths.

The NHS team became discouraged and morale sagged. Senior managers decided the reason for the crushing defeat must be found and set up a working party to investigate the problem and recommend action.

That concluded that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering while the NHS team had eight steering to one rowing. It immediately hired a consultancy to look at the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later the consultants reported that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing.

To avoid losing again the team structure was changed to give three assistant steering managers, three steering managers, one executive steering manager and a director of steering services. A performance and appraisal was also set up, to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder. The Japanese were challenged to another race and this time won by five hundred boat lengths. NHS managers responded by laying off the rower for poor performance, selling the oar and cancelling orders for a new boat. The money saved was used to finance a higher – than - average pay awards for the steering group.

Sounds about right.

Gay couple moving to Wisteria Lane

The show's gay creator and head writer said: "They will move into the old Applewhite house and one of the gay men will just have a fractious, hateful relationship with Teri Hatcher."

ANOTHER SHEEP SHAGGER!

This is funny:

A man who was accused of having sex with a sheep has walked free after the animal was unable to testify.

The man, from Haaksbergen, near Utrecht, the Netherlands, was reported to police after a farmer caught him having sex with a sheep.

But the case was thrown out of court as the sheep couldn't take to the stand to testify it didn't want to have sex and had suffered emotional stress. The sheep is now in rehab and is apparently making excellent progress.

Under Dutch law, bestiality is not a crime unless it can be proved the animal didn't want to have sex.

'Short of putting the sheep in the dock, at the moment these perverts cannot be prosecuted,' said animal rights campaigner Jos van Huisen.

Minister of Justice Ernst Hirsch Ballin has said he plans to change the law to make bestiality a criminal offence.

Perhaps Wednesday isn't the best day to visit the A&E

PATIENTS’ groups are predicting mayhem on hospital wards this week as 32,000 junior doctors take up new posts — all on the SAME day.

The huge influx on Wednesday comes as the old system, where junior doctors started jobs at different times of the year, is replaced.

THE SUN:

A COUPLE of kinky Christians got a dressing-down after their vicar found the wife had stripped on the internet.

Devout Janet Nelson’s saucy website was discovered by a shocked fellow worshipper at their church. That fellow worshipper was obviously looking for some salacious material on the web. Hypocrite!

The site featured the curvy 52-year-old photographed in various states of undress — and had 7,500 members.

One web entry read: “Just added a new wet-look scene to my latest sexy dressing group. Hope you all enjoy!”

Now they are barred from parish groups.

Ewww I'm going to be sick! Cover up ya lop-sided tits!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Fuuuuuuuuck!

"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longe r considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people."

A man was charged with criminal damage after rugby-tackling a giant hot dog, worth £400.

The 6ft glass-fibre hot dog was part of a burger van's display at the Magic of the '80s concert in Alnwick Pastures.

Concert-goers reported seeing the sausage character with its arm broken off.

Owners of the burger van say the mascot will cost at least £400 to replace if it cannot be repaired.

The cynical methods used by one of Britain's biggest banks to avoid refunding customers' unfair bank charges are exposed today.

High Street giant Lloyds TSB, which has been accused of overcharging customers £300 million a year, has issued staff with guidelines on how to deal with complaints.

In a 16-page training pack it instructs workers to:

• Reject first-time claims, even if they are legitimate.

• Offer a maximum payout of £750.

• Only offer immediate settlements to those who are "very ill" – or dying.

• Not refund or waive interest.

Banks and building societies make an estimated £1.7 billion a year from levying charges of up to £39 each time a customer goes overdrawn or bounces a cheque.

Greedy bastard banks! One Daily Mail reader (so take his comments with a pinch of salt) says:

"I'm sorry, but I really don't feel bad for the people who constantly overdrafted or bounced cheques. The bank is right to charge a large sum of money, considering that the people incurring these charges are not using their own money, but are instead taking money from the bank, which does not belong to them. Regardless of whether it only costs the bank 2 and a half quid or not, these people are borrowing funds that are not theirs. The bank is a business, not a charity."

- T. Wolf, Manchester

Mr Wolf really doesn't get it, does he? I bet he's a retired General with a glass eye, a staunch Conservative supporter with a portrait of Maggie Thatcher on his wall, and has a colostomy bag swishing around. lol

To those want to know the basis for the argument against bank charges: it's a well-known principal in contract law that when a party breaches a contract, the other party has the right to damages, which puts him in the position he would have been had the contract not been breached. So to put it into context, where a customer goes overdrawn, he has breached his contract with the bank. The bank is therefore entitled to damages or to be compensated for an amount that would put the bank in the position that it would have been had the customer not gone overdrawn. So, what is the bank entitled to? The bank is obviously entitled to the overdrawn amount, plus interest, and its reasonable administration costs in dealing with the overdrawn customer- this includes telephone calls, postage, staff time etc. So you see, when a customer goes overdrawn by £1, and the bank charges him £40, which is incongruous with the actual or the reasonable costs incurred by the bank, that is known as a penalty charge and is thus void!

Right I'm off to have a shower. Tata! xxx

The £5 bottle of water

A plastic roof on a tiny windswept island off the Australian coast is the unlikely source of the most expensive bottled water ever to arrive in the UK.

Rainwater collected on King Island, near Tasmania, will be sold under the name Cloud Juice for more than £5 a bottle once it makes the 11,000-mile trip to Britain.

King Island water is claimed to be the purest in the world because the trade winds carrying the rain clouds travel 7,000 miles from South America without passing over any land, and therefore encounter little or no pollution, before arriving at the island.

Now a tiny factory on the island produces 100,000 bottles a year but demand could soar further if it is selected by Claridge's hotel in London for a new "water menu", featuring 20 waters of the world, complete with tasting notes.

Oh purlease! It's WATER for fuck's sake! Water menu? How pretentious can you get!?

Crazy judge, crazy sentences!

PAINESVILLE, Ohio (AP) - A judge known for giving unusual sentences has ordered three men who pleaded guilty to soliciting sex to take turns dressing in a bright yellow chicken costume.

Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti agreed to suspend a 30-day jail sentence if they wear the costume between 4 and 7 p.m. Friday outside the court while carrying a sign that reads "No Chicken Ranch in Painesville."

The sign and costume refer to the "World Famous Chicken Ranch," a prostitution house in Nevada where sex-for-money is legal.

Daniel Chapdelaine, 40, of Perry Township; Martin Soto, 44, of Ashtabula; and Fabian Rodriguez-Ramirez, 29, of Painesville, solicited sex from an undercover Painesville police officer earlier this summer.

Cicconetti has used barnyard animals to dispense justice in the past.

He ordered a man who called a policeman a pig to stand next to a live pig in a pen and hold a sign that read "This Is Not a Police Officer." A couple who stole a baby Jesus statue from a manger were sentenced to dress as Mary and Joseph and walk with a donkey.

MADISON, Wis. (AP) - Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

Clive Owen

Supercharge your sperm with tomato soup

FERTILITY among men can be boosted by a daily bowl of TOMATO SOUP, scientists claimed yesterday.

They found that lycopene, which gives tomatoes their bright red colour, can turn sperm into super-sperm.

Researchers at Portsmouth University used a random sample of men aged 42 who ate Heinz tomato soup every day for two weeks.

Lycopene is thought to mop up harmful free radicals which can play a part in infertility.

Heinz said: “It’s good to know our soup could give guys extra oomph.”

Hmm, I think I need some soup. I have a feeling my troops have given up and committed mass suicide!

A TEENAGER has been accused of having sex with a sheep for a year.

Roger Henderson II allegedly broke into a barn 12 times in as many months to molest the same animal.

He was arrested after the farmer installed CCTV which showed him dragging the sheep into a corner, tearing his clothes off and forcing himself on it.

Henderson, 18, of rural Sherborn, Massachusetts, has been sent for trial and ordered to get mental health treatment in the meantime.

Did I already post a similar story a little while back? I'm bored of these sheep shaggers already!

Grrr fucking sick yobs!!

A brave pup was twice shot in the head by callous thugs - with a crossbow.

Amazingly, the friendly brindle mongrel, named Beau by nurses at the veterinary surgery, survived the vicious attack which left two crossbow bolts embedded in her skull.

It is thought Beau, who has only just been taken out of intensive care after a major two-hour operation, was fired at by two disgusting yobs at point blank range.

The cunts!!! I'd like to fire a crossbow at the yobs' genitals-also at point-blank range. See how they like that!

Poor doggie *strokes*

Other doggie news..... if you have a lonely pup who spends each night licking his balls and watching doggie porn on the Discovery Channel, then he needs a mate-fast! This is where a doggie dating website can help:

If your dog is looking for a date, then we have the answer... Doggie Dating can help you find a perfect pooch for your dog or bitch.

Search our global list of hopeful canines or you can register your own pet with us to find them the ideal date for love, fun or friendship. You may even find love yourself!

LOL! Doggie-dating.co.uk are so incorrigible! Hello? I'm interested in an altogether different kind of bitch!

Prison officer Matthew Cox is such a big Potter fan that he spent ten hours getting this tattoo of a Potter scene.

Mr Cox, 33, from Bristol, said: 'I love Harry and I've always wanted a wizard tattoo'

LMAO Since when does Harry Potter need that much dental work?

Images from new British disaster film

Based on a novel by Richard Doyle, Flood looks at what happens after a raging storm coincides with heavy seas, unleashing a giant tidal wave into the city.

The Thames Barrier is overwhelmed as torrents of water pour into the capital, threatening millions of lives and submerging – as the picture shows – beloved landmarks like the Houses of Parliament, Millennium Dome, and Big Ben.

Trainspotting star Robert Carlyle plays a marine engineer, who only has hours to save the capital from total devastation with the help of his ex-wife Sam (Jessalyn Gilsig) and father Leonard (Tom Courtenay).

Three people saving London. How realistic!

A hotel guest has been compensated £150 after chambermaids ate his birthday cake.

Phil Boulding was enjoying his 50th birthday with his family when the hand-made chocolate treat was found devoured in the staff canteen at Belgrave Hotel, Brighton. The maids were later seen in the staff quarters, looking somewhat satiated, grinning and giggling.

Greedy maids. I'd have done the same.

Wouldn't I just look fabulous in this outfit? OK who wants a good dusting?

Punished for wanking!

A Florida jail inmate was convicted of indecent exposure after a guard complained that he had masturbated in his cell.

A jury took 45 minutes to convict Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of the misdemeanor on Wednesday.

The judge sentenced him to 60 days in the county jail, which for someone convicted of masturbating in a jail cell doesn't seem like it's necessarily much of a punishment.

In November, Broward County Deputy Coryus Veal, who was monitoring Alexander's cell from a centrally located control room, saw him masturbating while he was sitting on his bunk, alone in his cell. She testified that she brought the charge against him the third time he masturbated in view of her.

Veal has brought similar charges against seven other inmates in six months.

Exciting news for us Trekkies!

Heroes actor Zachary Quinto is to star as Mr Spock in the latest Star Trek film, says the Hollywood Reporter.

The Paramount Pictures film, whose working title is Star Trek XI, revolves around the first encounters between a young Spock and James T Kirk.

Leonard Nimoy, who played the original Mr Spock, will also appear in the new film, but his role is not yet clear.

The new Star Trek film will be directed by JJ Abrams, who created hit TV drama Lost and directed Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible III.

The latest movie, the 11th in the series, will be released in the US on Christmas Day 2008.

According to sources at Lauryn Hill’s Norway concert this weekend, her crazy demands are even more out of control. Apparently she demanded that all her security guards be black, none of them could look at her–even from backstage, no one around her could speak to her unless she speaks to them first, and no one could walk past her backstage. Bitch clearly has issues!

When one security guard forgot one of the rules and said something to her, she allegedly lost her mind and started throwing water bottles at him. And after the power went out in the venue–Lauryn refused to continue once the power came back on. Folks had to get a refund.

*Slaps that racist bitch* I do like the throwing of water bottles though. lol

World's smallest horsey meets world's tallest horsey!

A very liberal Liberal Democrat!

A Lib Dem candidate offered her services as a stripper and ran sex phone lines when she was elected to a town council, it has emerged.

Myrna Bushell, 34, advertised herself as 'Jessica – kissogram and stripper'on a website, serving 'niche markets such as novelty adult entertainment'.

It also came to light that Mrs Bushell was not a member of the party, though she appeared on ballot papers as a Lib Dem and attended party meetings.

Now three of the party's local councillors have resigned over the matter, complaining that their 'integrity and principles' are being compromised.

Local Lib Dem leaders are trying to coax back to the fold former Bideford mayor Tony Inch, his brother Simon and deputy mayor Caroline Church.

Mrs Bushell appeared in a newspaper article in 2004.

She said: '[Callers] always ask me what I'm wearing … I usually say I've just got out of the bath, I'm rubbing baby oil over my body.

'The reality is I'm often standing in my cold, damp hall.'

FURIOUS flood victims last night slammed yobs who ruined their emergency water supply.

Gangs of youngsters urinated in a desperately-needed water bowser and tipped bleach into another.

They also emptied one of the mobile tankers of its precious water within 15 minutes of its arrival in Cheltenham, Gloucs — then stood by laughing.

Oh that is fucking gross! I'm surprised those cretins didn't leave floating brown islands in the bowsers too!

A special council 'dog fouling squad' described today how an undercover surveillance operation caught a serial offender - but it wasn't a dog. It was a man! The dirrrrty bastard!

The CCTV operation was set up after a member of the public made a complaint to the environmental health service at Kirklees Council, West Yorkshire.

She was suspicious that the offending individual, who regularly left a mess in the same place in Cleckheaton, was not a dog. Huge log, was it?

Councillor Martyn Bolt, cabinet member for the environment, said: 'An investigation confirmed the suspicions and concluded that the pile of excrement was not from a dog, but was of the human variety.

'It subsequently became apparent that this was not an isolated occasion, but appeared to be a regular stopping-off point.

'With the aid of a CCTV operation the culprit motorist was caught on camera with his trousers down - literally.

'It would appear that the man concerned regularly travelled between Birkenshaw and Brighouse, and instead of finding a public toilet, pulled up at the side of the road to do his 'business' there and then.

Some hairy bitches. VERY hairy!

You like my bush?

For Maddy fans

HERE's a low quality clip of a brand new Madonna song. I don't know whether it's fake so I'll let you decide.

This is good!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Thanks Colin!

Jeremy Piven

50 craziest celebrity baby names (in alphabetical order)

Aanisah: Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)

Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow

Astrella Celeste: Donovan and Linda Lawrence (also parents to Oriole Nebula)

Atherton Grace: Don Johnson and Kelley Phleger

Audio Science: Shannyn Sossamon

Aurelius Cy: Elle Macpherson and Arpad Busson

Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan

Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell

Brooklyn: David and Victoria Beckham (also parents to Romeo and Cruz)

Calico: Alice and Sheryl Cooper (also parents to Sonora Rose)

Camera: Arthur Ashe and Jeanne Moutoussamy

Destry: Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw

Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole)

Fifi Trixibell: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie)

Fuchsia: Sting and Frances Tomelty

Gaia: Emma Thompson and Greg Wise

Gulliver: Gary Oldman and Donya Fiorentino

Heaven: Lil' Mo (also mother to God'Iss Love Stone)

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence

Hopper: Sean Penn and Robin Wright

Ireland: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger

Jaz: Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi

Jazz Domino: Joe Strummer

Jermajesty: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (previously married to Jermaine's brother Randy)

Kal-El Coppola: Nicholas Cage (Kal-El is Superman’s original birth name)

Kyd: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni

Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn

Lennon: Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit

Liberty: Ryan Giggs

London Emilio: Slash

Luna Coco Patricia: Frank Lampard and Elen Rive

Marquise: 50 Cent

Memphis Eve: Bono

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin

Moxie CrimeFighter: Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten)

Ocean: Forest Whitaker (also father to Sonnet and True)

Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

Poppy Honey: Jamie and Jules Oliver (also parents to Daisy Boo)

Rocket: Robert Rodriguez (also father to Racer, Rebel and Rogue)

Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Saffron Sahara: Simon and Yasmin Le Bon (also parents to Amber Rose and Tallulah Pine)

Sage Moonblood: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh)

Satchel: Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee

Seven Sirius: Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu

Shiloh Nouvel: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Sosie: Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick

Suri: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Tallulah: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (also parents to Scout and Rumer)

Willow Camille Reign: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith

Zola Ivy: Eddie Murphy and Nicole Mitchell

One of Doctor Who's most revolting enemies is returning for the BBC show's latest series.

The Ood – a breed described as being 'really disgusting' – last appeared in comeback series two.

Eurgh!!! That is gross! Do those dangly things spew out pus by any chance?

I love personal ads from foreigners

about me: i am 23 years old studing here for my BA degree,i am from asian country(but i am nt oriental),i wz in a realtionship but i broak thats the most worst tin happen in my life,but still i belive mr right is some where for me,i belive in love i belive thr is no diffrent between girl n boy relationship n boy n boy relationship,except sex lol
my possision is verse but mostly i am close to bottom side thats the thing i am enjoying,
i am average looking not ugly i am sure that,
i am looking for mr right he must be older than me my age range is 24-30 plz do not contact me if ur not in that age range i dnt like time waisters,he must be taller than me is he is active i like more,looks is not importent for me,at least if he making anysence to me thats all,must be inteligent cz i am ding my studies very well n i am ding good job in the same time,,,so he hav to be well educated,
honestly i like to hav asian partner but i prefer any race except orientals i am sorry for that cz i dnt hav any sence abt them,
so just drop me a mail sure u will get replay from me,i am nt adding my snaps to here but sure u will get it if u asking from me,,
cheers
hope this time i will find him

Two topless strippers

What did you think I meant eh? lol

Trees having sex

Looks like he's sucked it dry! Hey, leave some for the rest of us! lol

Amazing wildlife pics

Cool pic

Modern badges for Girl Guides

*Sigh*, I remember when I was a kid I wanted to join the Brownies. They seemed much more fun than the bloody Scouts, tying all sorts of knots. Who cares?!





































Some info on Brownies:
They are usually aged between seven and ten, although some Brownies stay in the unit until they are a little bit older. Any girl over the age of seven can become a Brownie as long as she is able to understand, and wants to make, the Brownie Guide Promise:

I promise that I will do my best:
To love my God,
To serve the Queen and my country,
To help other people
and
To keep the Brownie Guide Law (A Brownie Guide thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day).

LMAO! Are they serious? What a load of shite!

The Grim Reaper (under the guise of a cat)

Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours.

His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. "This is not a cat that's friendly to people," he said.

Kill that kitty now! I feel sorry for the patients, who are probably all keeping their fingers crossed that the damn cat doesn't curl up next to them!

British teenagers are the worst behaved in Europe, a report has revealed.

They are more likely to binge-drink, take drugs, have sex at a young age and start fights.

Duh, we didn't need a report to tell us that. Check out Amy Winehouse being taunted by our very own chavs:

Piss cocktail anyone? It even comes with an olive!

A maid in China has been jailed for serving her boss a cup of diluted urine.

The 29-year-old admitted 'administering poison or other destructive or noxious substance,' but insisted the urine was a skin treatment and had appeared in her employer's water by mistake.

Szeto Ching-han became suspicious after smelling the urine and told the maid to drink it – which she did. Eww!

A Hong Kong court jailed her for six days.

'Paris Hilton' has enjoyed a lesbian sex romp in a prison cell toilet with a female cell mate who used a strap-on to shag her!

Unfortunately lads, this is just the latest mocked up photo shoot in mens magazine Hustler. Paris is played by model Christine Alexis who posed for the x-rated shots with cell mate Lucia (played by model Adriana Sage).

The real Miss Hilton would never do such a thing. Damn, that would've been fun to watch! Oh wait, no it wouldn't. I saw Paris's sex tape and all I can say is that she needs to learn how to give a proper BJ! The narcissistic whore even pouted just as if she was being photographed at a celebrity bash. Imagine what Victoria Beckham must be like? It would be like shagging one of those life-size skeletons that you find in a biology lab, constantly hearing its clunking bones. LOL!

So Kylie is in talks to design home furnishings for Debenhams.

The 39-year-old is reportedly finalising a deal with the high street department store, which will see her create her own range of cushions and curtains. Exciting stuff! Sit and fart on a Kylie-designed cushion!

And as for the "music" it has also been revealed the singer is planning a duet with Culture Club front man, Boy George, 46, to launch her new album. Ewww! So wrong, in so many ways! Her tenth studio album will feature duets with the Scissor Sisters, Groove Armada and Calvin Harris also. Bitch isn't taking any chances! Sorry, I know loads of people absolutely adore her, but I judge music on its artistic and creative merit- I don't care about the actual performer. Hey, I lurve Madonna, but if she comes out with a shit tune, I'll say so. Bear that in mind when Kylie releases her new songs. Forget about all the hype, her troubled relationship, boob cancer etc, and listen to the music and ask yourself: is this really any good?

Big Macs placate rioters?

Senior officials decided to treat rioting inmates in an immigration detention centre to Big Mac meals to help calm them down.

McDonald's takeaways were dished out by staff while the foreign criminals and failed asylum seekers at the centre caused £60million worth of damage.

The revelation came in a damning official report into the riot at Harmondsworth Immigration Removal Centre near Heathrow Airport last November. More than 500 inmates awaiting deportation wrecked and burned down much of the site, and it took riot squads almost two days to regain control.

LOL! I would have thought being offered a Big Mac would have been the reason why they rioted!

Mmm mmm mmm only 500 calories and a sure-fire way to an early death!

Comedy actor Chris Langham was formally cleared today of some of the indecent assault charges he faces after prosecutors agreed to drop them part-way through his trial.

Jurors were directed by trial judge Philip Statman to formally find Langham, 58, not guilty of four counts of indecent assault allegedly carried out on a teenage girl under 16 between January 8 1996 and April 7 1998.

Langham, star of BBC political satire The Thick Of It, remains on trial at Maidstone Crown Court in Kent accused of six counts of indecent assault, two of buggery and 15 counts of making indecent images.

Why did he have to bugger her? Wasn't her pussy tight enough? Tut! Damn paedo!

HAVING an obese friend increases your risk of becoming fat, a study has claimed.

Harvard boffins claim obesity is “socially contagious” and having a tubby pal makes you 57 per cent more likely to increase in weight.

The 32-year study of 12,067 adults also showed risk rose 40 per cent with fat siblings and 37 per cent with spouses.

Study co-author Prof Nicholas Christakis, from the University of California, said: “People think it’s okay to be bigger as those around them are bigger and this spreads.”

Better stay away from my fat ass then. lol

"Sisters are doin' it for themselves"

Me want some omuboro!

The soaring demand for a tree which some Ugandans believe can boost a man's libido and virility, may lead to its extinction, researchers warn.

The most popular part of the slow growing citropsis articulata tree, locally known as omuboro, is its roots.

Ugandan lecturer Maude Mugisha says this means the whole tree is uprooted to satisfy the consumer's needs.

Found mainly in forest reserves, the tree's aphrodisiac qualities are yet to be scientifically proven.

*Sucks the tree trunk* Is this how I obtain the benefits of the omuboro? Hey nothing's happening! Pah! I'll stick to tigers' testicles instead.

If you've got a bit of spare time on your hands, don't have hairy arms and live in Norway, then pay attention. Norwegian researchers are looking for brave, non-hairy volunteers to bare their arms and be stung by jellyfish - in the name of science.

Testing a new sun screen, aimed at protecting against jellyfish stings, the University of Oslo said it wants volunteers to be burned by jellyfish tentacles on both arms - one with ordinary sun block, the other with the supposed anti-jellyfish sun lotion.

'You're supposed to get burned. If you're not, then the tests have been a waste of time,' Torgrim Andersen, spokesman for the university's biology department, said reassuringly.

lol!

"WLTM hot, masculine guys with smooth arms for NSA fun!"

That counts me out then.

Happy Meal

Rude cartoons

Don't fall asleep in the jungle!

More Wednesday filth

A little Wednesday excitement

E-mail out-of-office reply

I am away from the office.

Your emails will be handled as follows:

If only it was that easy to shut a woman up!

Gotcha!

Health info- curries!

OK so a lot of curries are laden with fat, but the spices in them appear to be good for you. So tuck in!






Read this if you can be arsed:

FENUGREEK

The leaves and ground spice from the seed are used in many sauces, including vindaloo and the hot curries of Sri Lanka.

One study found that fenugreek seeds may be effective against breast cancer. Researchers say it may stop or slow the growth of tumours.

A study at Tokyo University shows animals given the herb were able to exercise much longer, while a report from Purdue University in America says the plant has been used with some benefits for bronchitis, fevers, sore throats, skin irritations, diabetes and ulcers.

CORIANDER

The world's most popular herb, its leaves have a strong earthy taste, while the seeds have an aromatic, fruity flavour.

Research at Andhra University, India, shows it has more antioxidants than vitamin C, while a study at the University of Ulster suggests it may help insulin levels in diabetics. It's also been shown to have beneficial effects both on cholesterol and on colon cancer.

TURMERIC

A member of the ginger family, its roots are ground into the deep yellow spice used to give most curries their distinctive colour. Its key active ingredient is curcumin, and it is used in large amounts in almost all curries, mainly as a colouring agent.

It is currently in clinical trials for the treatment of pancreatic cancer, Alzheimer's and psoriasis.

In a study of 1,000 people, researchers from the National University of Singapore found that curcumin may protect brain cells from age-related changes. According to a report by researchers from Texas University, benefits in Alzheimer's as well as arthritis, asthma, heart disease, diabetes and cancer may be down to turmeric's effects on the immune system.

NUTMEG

The fruit of the nutmeg tree, it is strongly aromatic and used in a range of curries, but mostly found in yellow curry pastes.

Nutmeg boosts male libido, according to research at Aligarh University in India.

CINNAMON

Based on the inner bark of an evergreen tree, the spice has a fragrant smell and a sweet, aromatic taste, and is found in almost all curries.

Research shows it can significantly lower blood-sugar levels in patients with diabetes. In a study at the U.S. Human Nutrition Research Centre, men and women with the more common type 2 diabetes were given cinnamon powder daily. Results show that blood-sugar levels dropped by up to 20 per cent compared to a control group.

Just how it works is not clear, but one theory is that a polyphenol in the spice called MHCP works like insulin.

FENNEL From the same family as parsley and carrot, fennel has a sweet, liquorice smell and is used in Madras and other curries.

According to a study at Kerman University of Medicine, Iran, it is a powerful pain reliever. In a trial for period paid, a group of young women given fennel for two months had a significant reduction in symptoms.

The herb has also been used to ease indigestion and symptoms of bronchitis.

CHILLI

Chilli pepper is the fruit of capsicum plant, part of the nightshade family, and a key ingredient in hot curries such as vindaloo.

They can prevent or heal stomach ulcers, according to researchers, who say there has been a misconception that eating a lot of chillies is bad for the stomach and that curries and other hot food cause heartburn, indigestion and ulcers. They found that chillies block acid production and improve blood flow in stomach tissue, which helps in both the prevention and healing of ulcers.

Other research shows gastric ulcers are three times less common in countries where large amounts of chillies are eaten, and that chillies burn up more calories and fat than other spices.

GINGER

The spice comes from the underground stems of the ginger plant, and is a staple ingredient of most curry powders.

A study at Kyoto Pharmaceutical University in Japan shows that it lowers the risk of stomach ulcers, while University of Miami researchers have used it to reduce the pain of knee osteoarthritis.

'Standardised ginger extract had a statistically significant effect on reducing symptoms,' scientists reported.

CARDAMOM

The dried fruit of a member of the ginger family, it has a pungent, aromatic flavour. Research at the Central Food Technological Research Institute in India shows that it can have antibloodclotting effects.

They tested blood samples and found that the greater the amount of spice used, the fewer clotting problems there were.

The spice is also used in traditional medicine for a variety of conditions, including sore throats, indigestion and stomach problems.

CURRY LEAVES

Fresh curry leaves, from the Murraya koenigii plant, are highly aromatic. A key ingredient of Madras curry, they are also used in other dishes.

Eating curry leaves lowers cholesterol and weight, and may be useful for people with diabetes, according to research at the University of Chicago.

Awww

Awww kitty adopts duckies!

A stunning new image of the sun has been released by NASA which shows it as an almost perfect sphere, glowing a fiery red and orange in the pitch-black of space.

It is almost spotless, a sign that the Sun may have reached solar minimum. Scientists are now watching for the first spot of the new solar cycle to appear.

The 11 year long solar cycle is marked by two extremes, solar minimum and solar maximum. Solar minimum is the period of least solar activity in the solar cycle of the sun.

During this time the sun becomes much calmer, with sunspot and solar flare activity dying down.

THE dad of missing Madeleine McCann was yesterday forced to defend leaving his four-year-old daughter alone on the night she was snatched.

Gerry McCann was grilled on US TV about why he and wife Kate did not get a babysitter for their three kids as they ate with pals.

Gerry, 39, is in the States to see how they deal with child abduction and exploitation as well as publicise Madeleine’s case.

Now what I am about to say may be shocking. Whilst I hope she is alive, there is a part of me that thinks it might be better that she isn't. Why? I highly doubt she's being treated to ice-creams, trips to the zoo etc. If she's alive, she's probably being passed around from paedophile to paedophile like currency. I can't think of any other reason why a child would be kidnapped, and for the kidnappers not to make any ransom demands, even after 83 days! If Maddie does return (perhaps when she's no longer fresh enough to satisfy her captors' sexual proclivities, she'll be damaged, physically and mentally. Sure, the parents will be over the moon that she's back, but by that time, Maddie will be so traumatised that she won't be the same girl that she once was.
Maddie's parents' nightmare will persist until they get closure- either she returns or a body is found.
Right, I need to pee....

Publicly kiss in Beijing at your peril!

The next time you're in Beijing and fancy snogging someone in public, be warned - you could be caught on closed-circuit television, and labeled as a criminal by the computers who monitor the footage.

According to reports, Beijing's couples are being warned that 'intimate acts of lovers may be initially categorized as "kidnapping" or "robbery" by the computers, which are programmed to be sensitive to violations of safe distances.'

But fortunately, the young lovers' fate won't be decided purely by some emotionless machine which doesn't understand the concept of 'love'. In such situations, police officers monitoring the cameras will look at the footage of the kissing people to decide if the situation really is dangerous. Any tongue action and your ass is goin' to jail! lol

Hey you! Cut that out right now!

Kissy kissy no allowed!

Van Spotted In Surrey

Josh Duhamel

Mmm I love this giant!

Miserable queen

Smile you rich bitch! OK so he doesn't sing very well, but he's got millions in the bank and a man who loves him (and his fortune). What more does he want?

The camel toe cup

Click image to enlarge.

Simpsonise yourself!

THIS looks great fun, but I can't seem to get it to work. Upload a picture of your face and become Simpsonised! Try it and send me the pic!

Police in India are desperately seeking geeks to help them fight cyber crime.

Officers in Chandigarh, in the Punjab region, plan to recruit a team of computer savvy nerds.

S M Sharma, head of the Pubjab Police Computer and Telecommunication department, said he was reacting to a dramatic increase in online crime across India.

"It will be easier to outsource nerds to do the job as it is probably easier to train technology experts to become investigators, than vice-versa," he said.

Once hired the police geeks will also be used to train cops who currently “can't tell a laptop from a PC.”

LOL!

Johnny Depp, in all his shirtless glory

Nah, he's not doing anything for me.

A worker who claims her boss showed her a vibrator and put a pair of panties (clean ones, I hope) on his head is suing her employer for £300,000. The boss also insisted she work on Yom Kippur, the holiest Jewish day. She claims he said if it was Christmas he would have understood the request.

LOL! I want a crazy boss like that! Where are they hiding? In my workplace, it looks as if life has been sucked out of most of the employees e.g. I opened the door for someone the other day. Did he say thanks? Did he smile? Hell, did he even acknowledge me? Of course not! I don't think he would've even noticed if I had jizzed on his face! Tsk!

Chinese surgeons said on Tuesday that they had successfully operated on a man with a massive 33-pound tumor that hung down from his face, completely obscuring his features and warping his backbone.

OMG, why did he wait so long? Yikes, he looked like some weird creature from the Blue Lagoon!

OK so Jordan's baby daughter isn't called Crystal or Bunny. No, it's much worse. It's Princess Tiàamii.

'Princess because she is our princess and Tiàamii was Pete's idea because it's taken from our mums' names. Pete's mum Thea and mine, Amy,' said Jordan.

The couple added: 'We've put an accent over the first 'a' to make it a bit more exotic and two 'ii's at the end just to make it a bit different.'

Hunny, no amount of accents, multiple letters, double-barrels, or even one of those halos above the "a" (see below) will make it classy. Poor girl was never given a chance. She's destined to be a "glamour" model, just like her mummy. You should've just named her after an exotic fruit. I suggested Kumquat, but they didn't wanna know....

Tuesday filth

Naughty OAP!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagent's to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,
"I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile,
"Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,
"Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds,
"I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each and he gently pinches, pushes and rubs around inside. After more than a few minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"

With one last squeeze, he removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says,
"Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.











"I was behind you in McDonald's.

Badges with attitude

Why don't we do that here?

DETROIT, Mich. (NBC Newschannel) - Burglars won't be running into one Michigan jewelry store if they know what's good for them.

The store owner used a dozen scorpions to guard his one-of-a-kind and limited edition jewelry.

However, it started as a temporary display, but when the critters were removed, the customers demanded he bring them back because they just looked "cool."

The owner brought the scorpions back and now a sign advertises the store as "the most dangerous jewelry store."

The scorpions would likely make any would-be thief think twice before reaching a hand into the display.

I don't think Argos will need scorpions to protect their Elizabeth Duke range. Here's an example:

Ewwwww! Pat Butcher earrings!

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian firm has launched a paan-flavoured condom designed to evoke the pungent taste of the betel nut and tobacco concoction chewed and then spat out by millions of South Asians, newspapers reported on Tuesday.

Hindustan Latex is targeting the new condom range at whores, who are among the most vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, the Hindustan Times reported.

The company ran taste tests with sex workers, including prototypes with chocolate, banana and strawberry flavours, but the paan flavour came out tops.

"The community loved it as most of the sex workers chew paan," Sanjeev Gaikwad was quoted as saying at the launch in Mumbai. Gaikwad is a director at Family Health International, a public health organisation that helped develop the condom.

Paan is a mildly intoxicating preparation wrapped in a leaf, usually containing tobacco, betel nut and flavourings, and is hugely popular across South Asia. It is chewed to a mouth-staining red pulp before being spat out.

Urgh, my granny used to chew paan. It's disgusting! It damages your teeth and gums. Next time you're in an area populated mainly by Asians, you might notice lots of red crap on the pavements. No, that's not menstrual blood; it's spat-out paan.

Alohomora!

LOL! THIS guy replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter book and the results are hilarious.

I like this bit:

"Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

Tee hee! Well, maybe one day when I'm wanking someone off I'll utter the word "Alohomora". It would be funny to see the guy's reaction. lol




A pink wand. lol

HAVRE, Mont. (AP) - Frito-Lay Inc. says it will investigate a Havre man's "unsubstantiated claim" that he found a deep-fried mouse in a bag of barbecue potato chips.

Jack Hines, a 66-year-old former laborer and contractor, said he was snacking on the chips Tuesday when he pulled out the crispy rodent.

"Good thing I seen it. I got it all the way up to my mouth," he said. "I felt the fur, I brought it back down and just looked at it and threw it behind my back."

Wow, he sounds so macho. Not even a little yelp?

ABUJA (Reuters) - Nigerian schoolchildren who received $100 laptops from a U.S. aid organization have used them to explore pornographic sites on the Internet, the official News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reported Thursday.

NAN said its reporter had seen pornographic images stored on several of the children's laptops.

"Efforts to promote learning with laptops in a primary school in Abuja have gone awry as the pupils freely browse adult sites with explicit sexual materials," NAN said.

A representative of the One Laptop Per Child aid group was quoted as saying that the computers, part of a pilot scheme, would now be fitted with filters.

Those filthy (and well-endowed) Nigerians! lol

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at
a party.
> >>
> >>After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
> >>Those who remained talked about their kids.
> >>
> >>The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working

> >>at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
> >>Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
> >>corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
> >>He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
> >>Mercedes for his birthday."
> >>
> >>The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
> >>pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went
> >>to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner
> >>in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
> >>rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
> >>birthday."
> >>
> >>The third man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
> >>best universities and became an engineer.
> >>Then he started his own construction company and is now a
> >>multimillionaire.
> >>He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best
> >>friend for his birthday 30,000 square foot mansion."
> >>
> >>The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
> >>returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the
> >>congratulations for?"
> >>
> >>One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for
> >>the successes of our sons.
> >>...What about your son?"
> >>
> >>The fourth man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as

> >>a stripper at a nightclub."
> >>
> >>The three friends said " What a shame...what a disappointment."
> >>
> >>The fourth man replied "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love

> >>him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
> >>His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000

> >>square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes

> >>from his three boyfriends.

Ahh I needed a bit of excitement. It's so dull at work!

Terrible one-liners

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultan asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Subject: FW: Jaguar - good one!!

>

>A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper

>was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and

>said,

>

> "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your

>Garage door?"

> This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his

>Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper

>work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.

>

>He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him,

>Finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of

>coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When

>you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

>

>The secretary smiled for a moment and said, No, Boss I didn't. All I

>saw was a Mini with 2 flat tyres."

Health & safety requirements for construction staff

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.



Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."



Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"



Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"



Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

TWEETY AND SYLVESTER

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.

(wait for it. It's worth it)...

After Tweety is caught, scroll down...

This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight , their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were
surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least
we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed,
the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a
queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:

IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

Duh!

A thief was arrested after he ended up queueing next to his victim in the same shop.

The woman had gone to the store to explain her bag had been stolen and someone had used her credit card to buy DVDs.

Just then, a 22-year-old man came in and tried to return the goods for cash, reports the Daily Mirror.

The two did not recognise each other, and the woman, 59, even made room for him at the till.

When the manager of the store in Arizona checked the receipt, it dawned on her that the victim and thief were standing side-by-side in front of her.

Give Becks the boot!

Am I the only person sick to death of seeing David Beckham in all the media? It seems like Hollywood's glitterati see him as some sort of messiah; someone who, on his own, is going to make everyone in the US love football. It ain't gonna happen! It's only the ladies who are watching him play! Why doesn't he just admit he's doing it for the money-and for no other reason! The Yanks are shit at football; his team is shit at football; and the only thing he's good for is getting bums on seats and exploiting every single merchandising opportunity. This guy has truly sold his ass to the devil.



Helloooo? He kicks a ball in a field for a living! Let's get some perspective. There are 100s if not 1000s of athletes who are a cagillion times more talented than this squeaky-voiced bitch and no one gives a rat's ass because they're not good looking enough. Pah!














Skeletor, doing him from behind.

















I wonder if the beautiful Ronaldinho, who is also a world-class player, would get the same welcome as Becks? lol

OMG, why the fuck am I talking about football??!!! Arghhh *scrubs body with Brillo pad*

Nine out of ten workers believe they would be more productive if they were given an hour to grab a power nap every day, a survey has found.

I'd prefer a three hour power nap.

The start of something beautiful

"How dare you make fun of my zebra mask!"

Zookeepers are hoping to get these two mating like, erm, horses?

Marriage after 30 years-----

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

So, six out of ten people believe Britain should withdraw from an international human rights treaty so there can be tougher powers against terror suspects, a survey has said.

Did they only survey The Sun and Daily Mail readers or something?

People are too quick to trash the HRA (Human Rights Act) and they don't realise all the good it has done. And then you get cantankerous old farts using words like "deport" in reference to British-born terrorists. Excuse me Mr Colostomy Bag. Where would you like us to deport them to?

Fucking use that squidgy stuff in your skull, called a brain!

I guess until you are in a particular situation, you'll never really know the benefits of the Act.

Right, I'm bored now, and so must you be.

Watch out! Kievs explode!

An exploding kiev has scarred a woman for life after she was burnt by boiling liquid which sprayed over her face and shoulder.

Jessica Morgan, 28, was scalded after the vegetarian kiev, which cost £1.68 from Asda, blew up.

Asda has apologised to Miss Morgan, a marketing worker from Shepherd's Bush, London, and said the incident was an isolated one.

I know I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it! It's a fucking kiev for God's sake! lol Anyway, doesn't everyone know you're supposed to let it rest for 5 mins before tucking in?

Exploding pack of cheesy puffs

Cheese at Work

Doggie Ice Cream

VIENNA, Austria (AP) - It's fat-free, comes in three flavours, and it's for ... dogs.

Introducing "Dogissimo" - an ice cream created specifically for canines that has gone on sale at a local ice cream parlour.

With temperatures in Vienna topping 95 degrees for almost a week, the treat - available in rice, vanilla-rice and soy flavours - has the potential to become a hit during the dog days of summer.

Simona Leonardini, who concocted the doggie delight, said she hopes it will help man's best friend deal with the sizzling heat.

"Dogissimo" is just one in a series of dog fads that have surfaced in Austria in recent weeks. An open-air movie theater opened Thursday night that encourages dog owners to bring their pets.

Why not just hose your pooches down with a cold shower? That would be much more effective than a friggin' 99 Flake!

Dumb coppers!!!!

LOL!

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."

"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.

"Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!

Vodka Advice

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Ewww they look like a couple of Big-Macs!

Europe's highest toilet has been built on the snow capped peak of France's Mont Blanc.

More than 30,000 visitors make their way to the peak each year and local mayor Jean-Marc Peillex said: "This move was much needed.

"Our beautiful mountain's white peak was full of yellow and brown spots in summer." LMAO!

Why can't people time their bowel movements properly? Go for a crap first thing in the morning and one at night. Soon, your bowels will get used to expelling poo at those times of the day and then you won't be so desperate that you have to squat your ass on a snow-covered mountain to leave a deposit.

Rob Estes

Happy Birthday!
*Jumps out of a cake*

Steve Sanders

Ooh so beefy!

Trannie truck driver taunted by other drivers. Duh, what does he expect?

A transsexual is seeking thousands of pounds in damages after claiming he was forced out of his job as a truck driver when he started dressing as a woman.

Vikki-Marie Gaynor, 37, who was born a man, claims bosses started cancelling his shifts when he dropped his old name, Mike, and started wearing women's clothes, earrings and make-up to work.

The former soldier, who has been married twice and has a teenage daughter, was taunted by other drivers who made rude gestures towards him, it is alleged.

Now Mr Gaynor has launched a sexual discrimination claim against the haulage firm and the recruitment agency which employed him. He could receive a five-figure sum if the employment tribunal finds in his favour.

'I have been treated in an horrendous manner by my employers,' Mr Gaynor said last night.

The trannie used to be damn sexy too! This is how he was (1997) before he got his knob chopped off:

Cute huh?!

A leading hotel chain is to scrap adult TV on its in-room television sets.

Travelodge said it was getting rid of pay-per-view porn channels to "appeal to the ever-growing number of families" staying in its budget hotels.

The pay-per-view content and conventional televisions will be replaced by a £10 million roll-out of new flat screen, digital TVs with 18 free, family-friendly channels.

I'm outraged! The porn channels are pay-per-view, which means no kiddie will accidentally come across Debbie Does Dallas. Bring back the porn!

When I was a kid, my naughty dad rented a few DVDs such as Nine And A Half Weeks. I remember creeping down the stairs in the middle of the night to watch it and I thought it was quite hot, especially when the guy tied her up and froze her nipples with ice-cubes. lol

I remember he also rented Last Tango in Paris but I just can't remember any of it, which probably means I found it pretty crap though I keep reading about this "pass the butter" scene. What is that all about?

TELLY tough guy Bear Grylls cheated on his survival show by sleeping in luxury hotels, it was claimed yesterday.

The SAS-trained adventurer is famed for series Born Survivor, where he is dropped into the wilderness with no equipment and left to live off the land.

Bear, 33, has been shown biting off a snake’s head for food, making a raft from bamboo and squeezing water from animal dung.

But now Channel Four is investigating whether his 1.4million viewers were misled after an adviser said that when Bear claimed to be a “real life Robinson Crusoe” on a desert island, he was really in hols hotspot Hawaii.

Survival expert Mark Weinert said HE led a team building the raft, which was then dismantled so Bear could be filmed making it.

He also said that when Bear was in the “wilderness” he stayed in a luxury lodge complete with TV and internet access.

I am very disappointed in you Bear! Now take off your shirt and give me 100 press-ups!

How Gay Sex Changed the World

Tuesday 24 July

Ch.4 11:05pm - 12:10am

If you're interested....

I guess this is why you should always ask for a full body pic before meeting.

Now that's multi-tasking!

Ewww can't the bitch wear clean clothes? It looks like someone just wiped their ass on it!

Lonely Craig Jex blamed his hopeless love life on an embarrassing illness – and so he set up a website to help other sufferers find romance.

Mr Jex, who has irritable bowel syndrome, said dates were turned off by his gurgling stomach constant trips to the toilet, and his leaking ass.

He even refused to visit restaurants because he had been left blushing by too many bathroom breaks.

But the singleton hopes www.irritatedbeingsingle. com will help thousands of IBS sufferers find the perfect match.

'There are no two ways about this – it is an embarrassing illness,' the 24-year-old said. 'So you really have to build up your courage to tell your date about it.

This makes you nervous and, in turn, makes the condition even worse.

For people with more money than sense

A new cutlery set is to go on sale with a price tag of £200,000 and if you fancy a saucepan as well then you'll be forking out another £100,000.

The kitchenware carries the hefty price because the items are all diamond-encrusted.

Selfridges is catering for a demand in luxury items by selling a144-piece solid silver cutlery set which is covered in 4,000 diamonds - weighing a total of 74 carats.

Selfridges head of home Kit Li-Perry said: "This wonderful cutlery set is catering for customers who have a passion for craftsmanship of the highest order where money is no object."

I bet buyers won't be using those diamond-encrusted casseroles to cook their Lancashire Hot Pots! Such a waste of money! What else will Selfridges come up with? Gold-plated butt plugs?

LOL I don't blame you; it does taste disgusting!

Mongolian Woman Wanks Off Horse!

13 Year Old Boy Fingered Granny!

No, not his own granny! lol

A 13-year-old boy has appeared in court charged with indecently assaulting a granny who died in hospital 10 days later.

Rosemary Pagett, 75, was molested at her home in Mulberry Place, in the village of Ryhill, near Wakefield, on July 3.

Immediately after the attack Ms Pagett, who lived alone, developed breathing difficulties. Too much excitement for one day huh?

I wonder if the boy drew inspiration from Wayne Rooney...







A granny, in case you needed a visual.
Ooh she's hot. Maybe I'm a gerontophiliac too!

LMAO Prince Charles is either just very naive or a real bitch! He just bought Camilla two large, long-haired sheep for her birthday! Camilla is apparently "chuffed to bits".






Guess which one's the sheep! lol

Tee hee!

Thanks Colin!

Yummy Jude

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says

to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Nagging wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Erm, son, you're not meant to be licking that, but carry on 'cause it feels sooooooooooo lovely! lol

Horse joins Tour de France (2006)

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to ask your help in locating my missing wife. We were on a wonderful trip to Africa for our honeymoon several months ago. On our flight back, we had a connection in England and somehow became separated. I had her paged for several hours and then contacted local and international police to assist me in locating her. To date, all of our attempts to find her have been unsuccessful. I am now desperate to find my lost love and am trying to use the Internet to locate her. Please forward this to everyone you know so I can spread the word on locating my missing wife.

Sincerely,

Mr. Brent Austin

Sydney.

Australia

After a few weeks search....

Dear Mr. Austin,

We have found your wife in Africa of all places. However, it is not unknown how she got here, nor is she able to talk because of lockjaw, but we are under the impression that she does not want to leave. We have tried for several days to bring her back home, but she is insistent on staying here. I have enclosed a picture for you to see that she is okay, and not let you worry because she is in good hands here in this village. Please contact us if there is anything else you might want to know.

Nairobi Police Department - See photo attached

Thieving seagull

Orf with his head!

The rest of the flock flap around, begging for titbits and diving for scraps.

Not this fellow. He simply pops to the shops.

And his tastes, it seems, are rather particular. It has to be tortilla chips. But not just any kind. Only Chilli Heatwave flavour Doritos will do.

Seagull enters his local shop and eyes up a tasty pack of Doritos.





















Seagull makes his move when he thinks no one is watching.






















Seagull casually walks away, with the crisp packet firmly between its beak.
Oh wait, it looks like he paid in kind (note the white mark on the rug).

Our asses are gonna be drenched! Don't forget your brolly!

A severe weather warning was issued today for the whole of Britain ahead of predicted two months of rain in a few hours.

Downpours and thunderstorms are expected to lash southern England and Wales, threatening homes and bringing chaos to the roads as families head off at the start of the summer holidays.

As the Met Office issued a severe weather warning for the entire country, experts predicted that some places could see four inches of rain in six hours.

EWWW! Piggy Marsh (you know, the one who keeps wrapping belts over her tits) has this new show starting on Sunday at 10pm on MTV called Totally Jodie Marsh: Who Will Take Her Up The Aisle? (shouldn't it be "Who Will Take Her Up The Ass?"?), which sees Jodie trying to find a man to marry for a pre-booked wedding in September.












Here she is in all her glory-barely concealed boobies and a diamante thong. Daddy must be so proud (and perhaps a little turned on?).

I wonder how many tubs of Bisto granules it took to obtain that skin shade?

101 most influential websites

Births, deaths, marriages (and divorce):
1.www.babycentre.co.uk
2.www.bbc.co.uk/relationships
3.www.dateline.co.uk
4.www.divorceaid.co.uk
5.www.gro.gov.uk (General Register Office)
6.www.netmums.com
7.www.weddingchaos.co.uk
8.www.soyouvebeendumped.com

Health:
9.www.besttreatments.co.uk
10.www.cancerhelp.org.uk
11.www.drfoster.co.uk
12.www.dipex.org (Database of Patient Experiences)
13.www.eatwell.gov.uk
14.www.mind.org.uk (mental health charity)
15.www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
16.www.nhsdirectory.org (alternative therapies)
17.www.nhs.uk
18.www.patientopinion.org.uk

Moving home:
19.www.dfes.gov.uk/performance tables (school tables)
20.www.landreg.gov.uk/propertyprice
21.www.themovingservice.com
22.www.nethouseprices.com
23.www.rightmove.com
24.www.upmystreet.com (local area guide)

Ethical:
25.www.ethicalgifts.co.uk
26.www.carbonfootprint.com
27.www.freecycle.org
28.www.recyclenow.com
29.www.taichifinder.co.uk
30.www.yogapages.co.uk
31.www.walkit.com

Change of career:
32.www.bvca.co.uk (venture capitalist list)
33.www.homeworking.com
34.www.trevorbaylisbrands.com (for inventors)
35.www.monster.co.uk (recruitment)

Family finance:
36.www.banksafeonline.co.uk
37.www.channel4.com/money
38.www.cccs.co.uk (Consumer Credit Counselling Service)
39.www.callcredit.co.uk (or www.equifax.co.uk or www.experian.co.uk)
40.www.financialombudsman.org.uk
41.www.moneymadeclear.fsa.gov.uk
42.www.fool.co.uk (advice site)
43.www.impartial.co.uk (financial advisors)
44.www.morningstar.com (stocks and shares)
45.https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/moneybox
46.www.trustnet.com (investment funds)
47.www.unbiased.co.uk (independent financial advice)

Giving it back:
48.www.donateapc.org.uk (donate old computers)
49.www.do-it-org.uk (help local charities)
50.www.justgiving.com (donations)
51.www.uktransplant.org.uk
52.www.worldcommunitygrid.org

Planning for retirement:
53.www.laterlife.com
54.www.thepensionservice.gov.uk
55.www.pensionsadvisoryservice.org.uk
56.www.veteransagency.mod.uk

Community:
57.www.bigbarn.co.uk (local producers/markets)
58.www.blogger.com
59.www.chatdanger.com (online security)
60.www.myspace.com
62.www.e-voice.org.uk (neighbourhood group)

Government:
63.www.number10.gov.uk
64.www.direct.gov.uk
65.www.hmrc.gov.uk
66.www.writetothem.com (write to local MP)

Leisure/Knowledge/Hobbies
67.www.tadalist.com (make a to-do list)
68.www.1901censusonline.com
69.www.ebay.com
70.www.ehow.com (how-to advice)
71.www.genesreunited.co.uk
72.www.howstuffworks.com
73.www.archive.org (old versions of websites)
74.www.learndirect.co.uk
75.http://lii.org (virtual library)
76.www.lulu.com (publish your novel)
77.www.open.ac.uk (Open University)
78.www.gutenberg.org (download classic books)
79.www.youtube.com
80.www.wikipedia.org

Wanderlust:
81.www.doitforcharity.com
82.www.earthwatch.org
83.http://thorntree.lonelyplanet.com (travel forum)
84.www.tripadvisor.com
85.www.responsibletravel.com
86.www.vso.org.uk (Voluntary Service Overseas)
87.www.wayfaring.com (maps)

Legal advice/Consumer rights:
88.www.advicenow.org.uk
89.www.citizensadvice.org.uk
90.www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk
91.www.lawsociety.org.uk (www.lawscot.org.uk in Scotland)
92.www.oft.gov.uk (Office of Fair Trading)
93.www.tradingstandards.gov.uk

Which? websites:
94.www.which.co.uk/books
95.www.which.co.uk/kidsfood
96.www.which.co.uk/bankcharges
97.www.switchwithwhich.co.uk
98.www.which.co.uk/gardening
100.www.which.co.uk/flightrights
101.www.which.co.uk/currentaccounts

Hmph, they must've forgotten to include my blog in the list. I'll let 'em off.


Check out soyouvebeendumped.com
The break-up lines are quite amusing. Here's few examples:

"I just cant live with the pathetic tickles that you call 'sexual thrusts' anymore"

"I'm leaving. Do you want me to go tonight or tomorrow?"

"I'm going to ask you nicely....LOOSE MY PHONE NUMBER!"

"You mean more to me than life itself - but I'm suicidal - so FUCK off!"

"You've done nothing wrong. It's me...I've just lost interest. Take care of yourself."

"You're my best friend in the world, and I love you to death...but you're like a sister to me."

"We're not stable enough for a dog. I need to find someone else."

"Really, it's not you, I'm just going through a selfish phase..."

"I must have been on drugs the day I asked you out."

Awww so cute

The dopey canine in question is Biff, who lived up to his name when faced with the conundrum that is a cat flap. The 64kg (10st) Newfoundland opted to bulldoze his way through the device.

But, rather than getting through it, he ended up looking like a trophy on a hunter's wall. Owner Lydia Prescott, of Fordingbridge in Hampshire, joined neighbours and the fire brigade in the attempt to free her pedigree chump.

After an hour, Biff was finally released from the 15cm-wide (6in) hole.

Neighbour Bob Birt unscrewed the flap, which the pooch wore as an unusual necklace until the cavalry arrived – in the form of fire brigade animal rescue specialist Jim Green and his bolt cutters.

The plot of the final Harry Potter book

If you're interested...

Read the New York Times review of the final Harry Potter book HERE!

Skeletor's legs are mingin'!!

Gross! More craters on that leg than on the moon!

New figures reveal the average Brit spends around £62 every month on their partner, or £744 a year. That equates to 3.5 per cent of the UK average salary.

Men are the most generous present buyers spending £71 a month, whereas women are on average only prepared to fork out around £51 on their partners.

Over 2,000 adults were polled by MoneyExpert.com, an independent financial comparison website, on their spending habits.

The research also revealed that almost half a million big-spending men will happily spend over £500 a month on gifts for their loved ones.

The survey asked individuals to list gifts they had recently bought their partners.

Common classics such as jewellery, electronic goods and weekends away remain popular, although more unusual gifts for aspiring romantics included sausage making equipment, Koi Carp fish and tattoos.

Tut, I remember the only thing my ex-bf ever bought me was a PENCIL from London Zoo. Selfish bastard!

If anyone buys me an iPhone, I'll love him forever (or at least for the foreseeable future). Just kidding. I'm not really fond of material goods. They all break eventually.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your dog died."

"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"

"From eating spoiled meat, Senor"

"Spoiled meat? Who the hell fed him spoiled meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"What funeral?!"

"Your brother's, Senor... He showed up one night out of the blue and I thought he was a thief, so I hit him with your new Taylormade Driver."

silence . . . .

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're in deep shit!!!"

"Y'know, British Airways is right.

A cross does look better worn under the uniform."

"Come along, George.

I've delayed the menopause long enough. It's time to have babies."

Somebody from the Building Society called
to tell us our mortgage is going up again. I'm standing on his head.

"Before you start, Bernard. Are you absolutely sure that all NHS Doctors are terrorists?"

Holy Crap!

Summer is coming, so take care of that bikini line!

*Shudders*
My work colleague keeps banging on about her brand new flat and that she's planning on making it "very girly".....it seems like everything is going to be pink! Bitch is 37! I need to show her a mirror to remind her she is no longer a 7 year old.
Any butch lesbians out there wanna lend a fist?

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) - A brawl involving five men apparently began over a misunderstanding when a man who is deaf and mute was communicating through sign language and another man took offence, thinking that the hand gestures were disrespectful. Police say what resulted was a brawl in which a gun was fired Sunday outside a pizza store in east Anchorage.

Raymond Keith McWain, 26, had just turned a corner in his car when he noticed a truck with three men alongside his car. The deaf man was communicating with the other two in the truck through sign language, police said.

McWain thought the sign language gestures were some sort of slight or "disrespect" toward him, police said. He made some gestures of his own (probably the "up yours" gesture) and honked and cut in front of the truck before pulling into the pizza store.

What the hell?

Those Japs do play some crazy games!

That poor Woman Police Constable, mobbed by burka-clad nutters as four men were jailed for offences including soliciting murder and stirring up racial hatred at a demo against a cartoon of Mohammed.
The burka posse need to chill out and have a fucking orgasm (and get some sunlight, since I read they must be severely lacking in vitamin D from being covered up all day). Maybe they'll stop being so angry over things which don't require such vitriolic responses.

There are plenty of people who wear clothes with images of Hindu Gods but you don't see Hindus flailing through the streets with such placards. OK I know in Islam it is forbidden to show images of the prophet Mohammed, but these bitches need to learn the concept of a reasonable, moderate and proportionate response.

Wise Rabbi!

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with
all the leftover fore skins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

Some pics of lions

Cub munching on his momma's tail.






















Cub now being eaten by his angry momma.





















Daddy to the rescue! Awww.

Plums can stop baboons getting pregnant. Chemicals released by the plums act as a contraceptive because they lessen the sexual swelling around the olive baboon's rump-making her less attractive to mates.
So, big ass=increased sexual prowess. Someone give me a family-sized KFC bucket STAT!
*Shakes wobbly ass* Erm. Hello? Why are you running away?

A Pirate DVD seller was caught out when she tried to sell her films in a Trading Standards office.

The woman, who was Chinese (surprise surprise) and in her 20s, had a bag full of the latest film titles – including Die Hard 4, Ocean's 13 and a selection of pornography.

She told bemused workers at the office in Leeds that she had been in Britain for just two days and so could not provide any leads for her suppliers.

West Yorkshire Trading Standards said: 'We provide a very warm welcome to any counterfeiter who would like to call on us.'

Gross!

One doctor thought the bleeding, strange bumps on Aaron Dallas' head might have been a gnat bite. A specialist thought it was shingles, though both doctors held out the possibility that it was something far more disturbing.
Then the bumps started moving!!!

A doctor found five active bot fly larvae living on Dallas' head, near the top of his skull, a few weeks after a mosquito apparently placed them there.

'I'd put my hand back there and feel them moving. I thought it was blood coursing through my head,' said Dallas, of Carbondale.

'I could hear them. I actually thought I was going crazy.'

Dallas said he likely received the larval infestation while on a trip to Belize this summer. Adult bot flies are hairy and look like bees, without bristles. One type, dermatobia hominis, attacks livestock, deer, and humans.

Mosquitoes, stable flies, and other insects are used by female bot flies to carry their eggs to the host, where in this case it was Dallas.

'It was weird and traumatic,' said Dallas. 'I would get this pain that would drop me to my knees.'

Spence said bot fly infections are fairly routine in parts of Central and South America.

Madge on Annie Lennox's new album

Arista Records have confirmed in a press release that Madonna will be making a guest vocalist performance on Annie Lennox's album, Songs of Mass Destruction, which is due out in October.

The track 'Sing' features 23 of the most recognized and successful female solo artists in the world, invited by Annie, to raise awareness and finances for TAC (Treatment Action Campaign- organizations fighting for human rights, education and health care for those affected by the HIV AIDS virus) initiatives.
Included among the group are superstars such as Madonna, Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion, Fergie, Faith Hill, Pink, Dido, Gladys Knight, kd Lang, Angelique Kidjo, Bonnie Raitt, Shakira, Melissa Etheridge, Anastasia, Joss Stone, KT Tunstall and many others, as well as TAC activist members own vocal group known as 'The Genetics', whose CD of music inspired Annie to make 'Sing' a reality.

Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up round the King's Head.

Lock your doors!

> Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
>
> A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at
the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled
with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ass.
>
>
> Police suspect a cereal killer.


Terrible, but I love it! lol

To make it stand, you wet it !.



To make it wet, you suck it !



To make it stiff, you lick it !



To get it in, you push !



Damn.......

-

-

-

-



Threading a needle when you're older is NO JOKE ! ! !

Yay, my review for that huge butt plug was accepted by the website. Read it HERE!

The French, who have always treated seduction as art, were startled yesterday to learn that they have the world’s second most dreary sex lives – after the Japanese.

In a 26-country survey which shows that even the British are happier in bed, only 25 per cent of French men and women report that they are sexually satisfied. Forty percent of Britons profess satisfaction, still well behind the champions, Nigerians (67 per cent) and Mexicans (63 per cent).

Sack race

67%: Nigerians are the world’s most satisfied lovers (When you have a minimum 15 inch dick, is it any wonder?)

63%: Mexicans are not far behind

61%: Lovers in India clearly know something their rivals do not

54%: The Poles are the happiest Europeans in the bedroom

38%: Sexual satisfaction in Germany is below average

25%: Alors! French lovers are asking what went wrong

15%: Japanese lovers are the world’s least satisfied . . . but their cars are very reliable

Source: Durex global survey

Donkeys have to wear Pampers?

Nappies for donkeys

Donkey owners in a Kenyan town of are up in arms after officials ordered their animals to wear nappies.

The local council in Limuru said the measure was needed to keep the town's streets clean, reports the BBC.

But adverse press coverage and outrage from the town's residents has led the authority to put its plans on hold.

"If we have to put nappies on our donkeys, soon they will say our cows need them too," one donkey owner said.

Another donkey owner, Kimani Gathugu, says: "Donkeys are very important. Not many people have cars in the area and the donkeys serve as a mode of transport."

And water trader Simon Kamau, who uses donkeys to transport water to his clients, added: "The problem is that the donkey can give you a fatal kick. I was once kicked by a donkey and it broke my leg.

"What the council should do is come to us traders and show us how to tie the nappies on the donkeys."

But Limuru's mayor, James Kuria, seems determined to push on with his plan.

"I have heard that in some areas where they keep donkeys, they also have nappies," he said.

"We will go to these areas and see how they do it and come back and show our people how to do it. We want the people to earn a living but at the same time we must keep our town clean."

Alaska grizzly bear notice

Here's the last page of the final Harry Potter book. Check it out if you dare! I'm not going to bother 'cause I hate HP! lol

Sorry, it's a crap one... I warned you first:

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex ."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

A English woodpecker and a Scottish woodpecker were arguing
about which place had the toughest trees.
>
> The Scottish woodpecker said Scotland had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck. The English woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly

>pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Scottish woodpecker was
in awe.
>
> The English woodpecker then challenged the Scottish woodpecker
to peck a tree in England that was absolutely im-peckable (a term
Woodpeckers like to use). The Scottish woodpecker expressed confidence he could do
it, so accepted the challenge.
>
> After flying to England, the Scottish woodpecker successfully
pecked
>the tree with no problem. So the two woodpeckers were now confused.
>
> How is it that the English woodpecker was able to peck the
Scottish tree and the Scottish woodpecker was able to peck the English tree, but

>neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
>
> After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
>conclusion...
>
>
>
> Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Daniel Craig has revealed that his first acting role was as Mr Marmite.

The future James Bond donned a Marmite jumper and handed out jars of the savoury spread to shoppers.

He admitted he is still loyal to the delicacy: "At 7.30 in the morning I find myself buttering toast with Marmite. It wakes you up," he said.

*Sigh*

When are you gonna butter my toast? Not with Marmite though. That oil-slick is disgusting!

Surely this isn't true?

LMAO I've just read some gossip online that our very own classy lady Jordan has not named her new baby "Crystal" as previously reported; the baby's name is.................BUNNY!
Oh deary me!

With their baby son and daughter in their arms, Stephanie Burns and Joanne Bartle are the picture of proud motherhood.

And it's all thanks to a gay drag queen.

Miss Burns, 23, a trainee truck driver (such a cliche), was desperate to have a child with her lesbian partner. They had been looking for a sperm donor when they started chatting to 21-year- old transvestite singer Ryan Egeley in a nightclub.

He revealed that he, too, wanted children and agreed to be a donor.

Aww it's just one big happy family. I do like the trannie's horns. Any lesbos out there want a sample of Wabby's good stuff? lol

A hedgehog called Bubbles inflated to three times his normal size when he suffered from a mystery condition known as balloon syndrome.

He had to be deflated with a syringe at the Tiggywinkles wildlife hospital in Buckinghamshire and is now back to normal.

I get balloon syndrome after eating baked beans...

Oh no, James Cunt is back!

Hundreds of snaps of James – from babyhood to megastar – are used to make a collage of his face on the album, which will be released on September 17.

Dirrrty gay copper

A POLICE inspector in charge of guarding the Queen has been branded a security risk after revealing his gay lifestyle on the internet.

Chris Dreyfus, 29, poses in his cop uniform at a London Tube station on the social networking site Facebook.

And visitors to his page are invited to “bite, grope, lick or spank” him.

Insp Dreyfus — recently promoted by British Transport Police to Head of Royalty and Government Protection — admits he is interested in men and looking for “whatever I can get”.

In other chat, the university graduate says: “Hope the leather shorts didn’t chafe too much on Saturday.”

After getting a reply about a dog collar being uncomfortable, he answers: “I did tell you to use the Vaseline. You just don’t listen.”

Sounds like he's a regular at the Hoist club.

KT Tunstall - Hold On (BBC, Glastonbury 2007)

If you like KT then have a listen to her new song. I'm underwhelmed. Bitch needs a new direction! This is just a revamped Suddenly I See. Tsk.