Random pics
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
> stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
> humanity as possible.
>
> He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
> it's total peace and quiet.
>
> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
> door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
>
> "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas
> party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
>
> "Great", says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
> folks. Thank you."
>
> As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
>
> "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
> with the best of 'em."
>
> Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
> some fightin' too."
>
>
>
>
> "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
> again."
>
>
>
> "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
>
>
>
>
> "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
> been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
> should I wear?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were
asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks
they ordered?
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK ...*
BEER
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.
WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has
no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get
drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......
IF MEN DRINK...* (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
IMPORTED BEER
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid
WINE
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and
help him get laid.
VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
PORT
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
WHISKY
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.
JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped
change.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Britney Spears' new single: "Gimme More"
I love it! It's Britney, bitch!
Here's the other leaked single: "Cold as fire".
Hmm, I don't like this very much.
This must've ruffled a few feathers
In the 56 years since it was first awarded, the Blake Prize for Religious Art has not been noted for controversy.
But this year's entries for the coveted £6,000 award have caused a chorus of outrage from Christians and Muslims alike.
They include a portrait of Osama Bin Laden which, viewed from an angle, morphs into an image of Christ.
And just for good measure there is a figure of the Virgin Mary, hands clasped in prayer, with an Islamic burqa concealing her upper body apart from the eyes.
Ridiculous answers from contestants
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
England's cricketers kept their focus to triumph over India despite the efforts of up to 100,000 Arctic Monkeys fans.
A lack of toilets meant fans of the band relieved themselves on the outfield at Old Trafford in Manchester during two gigs a fortnight ago which each attracted 50,000 fans.
England stars noticed the whiff as they took on India at the same venue in yesterday's one-day clash with India, reports The Sun.
Cricketers at Lancashire, whose HQ is Old Trafford, and Hampshire, were also pinching their nostrils in a rain-hit four-day match last week.
Hampshire wicketkeeper Nic Pothas said: "The smell on the outfield was diabolical, and it was obviously stale wee."
"A couple of the Lancashire players went to the gig and told us they'd never seen so many people relieving themselves.
"Men were peeing into empty pint glasses and emptying the contents on the outfield, and women were squatting to pee due to long toilet queues."
The Cerne Abbas giant has a bruised willy
The Cerne Abbas giant may never be the same again.
Vandals not only painted his willy purple but also used permanent paint.
The attack has angered the National Trust, which owns the site in Dorset.
Greedy snake
A greedy garden snake, who thinks it's a python, tries to gobble up a goldfish four times its width after slithering into a pond.
The snake, nicknamed Sid, has been menacing fish in a couple’s garden for the last two years.
Now Valerie Bell, 60, and husband Raymond are appealing for help to get rid of him. Valerie, of Ashford, Kent, said: “Sid is always there — it’s beyond a joke. We don’t want him. Maybe the RSPCA could help.”
The couple have 200 goldfish in their 15ft by 6ft pond but Sid has munched several. On this occasion Valerie rapped him on the head with a pole and the fish was saved. Hurrah!
Just a quick moan
My boss, in his email to another: "Can we talk on the 'phone about this to Mr X..."
I know he does his best to use proper English, but that apostrophe really annoys me! lol
The word "phone" has passed into the English language and so there is no need to put that bloody apostrophe there! Oh God, I can't believe I'm moaning about something so trivial. Oh well, that's what you get when you're in a job you despise.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Patients at a private dental practice are being offered free foot and hand massages to help relax them while in the dentists' chair.
Grange Dental clinic in Grange-over-Sands, Cumbria has employed a full-time beauty therapist to calm clients who fear the dreaded drill.
Free mini-facials, pedicures, manicures and massages are also on offer in the waiting room before surgery.
The clinic says the therapy is proving popular with both men and women.
Practice manager Chloe Booth said: "A lot of our patients really feel they have had dental experiences in childhood that were not very positive.
"We feel if we offer them a distraction then it will help calm and cool them when they are in the dental chair.
"For the really nervous our therapist will even provide hand and foot massage while they are in the chair."
Chinese researchers spent more than a year compiling the legendary Mongolian conqueror's code of laws. They found article 48 of the code said men who "committed sodomy shall be put to death". Genghis's early 13th century empire stretched across Asia all the way to central Europe. 
Mongolian leader Genghis Khan made gay sex punishable by death, new research has found.
Do you snore? Help is on its way!
Sufferers of an extreme form of snoring are set to be provided with breathing masks to help them get a peaceful night's sleep free on the NHS.
Next week, the health watchdog the National Institute of Clinical Excellence (NICE) will issue guidelines on whether the masks should be put on prescription for the most severe snorers.
The breathing masks are designed to help those who suffer from obstructive sleep apnoea syndrome (OSAS) which causes people to stop breathing intermittently during sleep.
To treat the symptoms, the mask - known as a continuous positive airways pressure device (CPAP) - covers the nose and emits gently pressurised air during the night to keep the airways open and aid breathing.
The treatment costs between £400 or £600 and could be made available from Spring next year.
Fags into "breath control" will LOVE this gadget!An paraplegic prisoner has sued authorities after his ass and 'nads were burnt by a steaming and bubbling toilet.
Augustino Banze, who was being held at Pretoria central prison, will receive 35,000 rand from the South African government as part of an out-of-court settlement, The Star newspaper reported.
In an initial lawsuit filed against the public works and correctional services department, the 36-year-old said that during refurbishment, "steam and hot water arose from the toilet, causing me severe burns".
Initially the claim was contested as the authorities said Mr Banze would not have suffered pain as "he does not have feelings in his lower body".
Three girls who took part in a brutal "happy slapping" attack in which a teenage boy was sexually assaulted were today ordered to be detained.
The girls, who cannot be named for legal reasons, were convicted at Inner London Crown Court on August 9 of false imprisonment and "causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent".
The court heard that the victim, who was 17 at the time of the attack in a flat in Woolwich, south east London, in March last year, was forced to strip naked and masturbate, had ketchup and kitchen oil smeared on him and was forced to get into a cold bath to wash it off.
What is the boy moaning about? That'll be the best sexual experience he'll ever have! He should be grateful that three hot teenage girls smeared food products over his body! I'm wanking already!
Arab and the Jew
An Arab who had run out of water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you blithering idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest
girlfriend,
decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
sank. He
found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."
Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat
wash up with you."
Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
But, where did you get the tools?"
Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side
of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him
is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope,the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much
but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the
woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his
continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her
couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.
This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for
him to sit down next to her.
Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for?"
She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.
You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in
his eyes.
Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well".
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.
He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar.
The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.
Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert.
The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.
Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man.
"Play it?" said the octopus,
"I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
A Malaysian nicknamed "King Tooth" pulled a seven-coach train using a steel rope clenched in his mouth today, a feat that organisers said was a new world record for the heaviest weight pulled with teeth.
Grunting and gasping, Rathakrishnan Velu's neck muscles strained and his face contorted as he hauled the 297.1-ton train over 2.8 metres along tracks.
"I don't know what toothpaste he uses but I am sure a lot companies will be looking to endorse their products," said cabinet minister Maximus Ongkili,
Tired of waiting for the latest NASA space pictures to appear, a keen photographer built his own space balloon to take these amazing images of earth.
Tony Rafaat spent $433 (£215) on making his own weather ball and attached a camera to it.
The balloon reached an altitude of 117,595 feet, taking this picture at 90,000, and flew 100km before it landed.
Two high-rise Chinese window cleaners got married dangling in the air on their work platforms.
Jiang Dezhang, 27, and 26-year-old Tie Guangju both sat on wooden boards supported by ropes and pulleys.
"Our wedding was both romantic and like our daily work", said husband Jiang.
Also suspended with the couple were the best man and the bridesmaid who were work colleagues.
As the couple were exchanging rings a scroll came down from the top of the building with the words "High Altitude Love" written on it. *Vomit*
Best Bush Bumper Stickers of 2007
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him 'W' So He Can Spell It
13. Jail to the Chief
14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
16. Bad President! No Banana.
17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam Yet?
20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Hand basket?
22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.
24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26. One Nation under One Clod
27. At Least Nixon had the decency to ResignWant the latest toothbrush? Only £140!
An electric toothbrush that boasts a 'dental satnav' system is set to become the latest must-have gadget for the health conscious.
The device – which comes with a hefty £140 price tag – has a digital display to guide users to where cleaning is needed and for how long.
It indicates if brushing is too hard or not hard enough and can tell when there is too much or too little pressure being applied. An alarm also sounds after two minutes to tell users to stop altogether.
The toothbrush also shows when cleaning is uneven and alerts the user when the brushes have worn out and need to be replaced.
Maker Oral B says that research shows people using its Triumph with SmartGuide brush are four times more likely to spend the necessary two minutes cleaning as they would with a manual brush.
Spokeswoman Surinder Hundle said its smart toothbrush would take 'a lot of the guess work out of brushing'.
Oh whatever! A stopwatch would be much cheaper.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Eww they want to put THAT on a packet of fags?
If someone is addicted to smoking, is a few gross images really going to put them off?
Bleurgh, that exposed throat is making me gag- and not in the good way either! lol
People often have great ideas while taking a dump, according to new research which shows that the bathroom antics of Britons are anything but bog standard.
A poll of 500 adults by coach operator National Express revealed that answering the call of nature could be the most productive part of a person's day.
More than two-thirds said they dreamed up great ideas, while others read a book, wrote a shopping list, played video games or even learned a foreign language.
The research was published to mark the launch of a new luxury loo in National Express coaches, which includes an air replacement system and higher standards of hygiene.
I just don't know what to say
I'm surprised one of those curious boys hasn't shoved a telescope up there.
Blonde Cookbook
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Tactful kid
What Are You In For?
>
> Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
> next to each other outside the operating room---the
> first surgeries of the day.
>
> The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in
> here for?"
>
> The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
> out and I'm a little nervous."
>
> The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
> about. I had that done when I was four. They put you
> to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
> Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."
>
> The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
>
> The first kid says, "A circumcision."
>
> Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had
> that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Diamonds are a fag's best friend
The world's biggest diamond, weighing an astonishing 6,000 carats or 42oz, has reportedly been discovered in a South African mine.
Dealers were preparing for a bidding war yesterday and speculating that the monster rock could be worth as much as £15million.
Its ultimate value will depend on how clear it is and how many flaws it contains, such as cracks, gas bubbles or carbon marks.
Aww guinea pigs fighting over a cucumber
Guinea Pigs Fight Over a Cucumber
Posted Aug 24, 2007Three little guinea pigs fight over one cucumber.
The Swedes are famed for their sexual tolerance (sex with donkeys) and laissez faire. But that tolerance hasn't been extended to a seemingly innocent competition to find the world's most beautiful asses.
Organised by German underwear firm Sloggi, the competition invited women and men to send photographs of themselves in their underwear, which would then be put to an online vote.
But in an oddly prudish move, several Swedish newspapers have taken exception to the competition, labelling it a pornographic event.
"Alas, our goal of finding the most beautiful backsides has been misunderstood by certain sections of the media," a Sloggi statement read.
Jonathan Yeo, 36, cut up more than 100 top-shelf publications for the piece. He decided to do it after curators at the Bush Library in America backed out of a commission for him to do a proper portrait. That looks pretty good but he could have saved time simply by using a picture of an ass instead.
A British artist sparked an outcry last night after unveiling a portrait of US President George Bush made from pornos.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The in-laws of Amy Winehouse today expressed their fears that she or husband Blake Fielder-Civil may commit suicide if the other dies of a drug overdose.
Giles and Georgette Fielder-Civil also urged fans to stop buying her records - to send a message to her and her husband that they must sort out their drug problems.
And they said the singer should not be given any awards for which she is nominated, to show the couple's behaviour was not acceptable.
Hello? Their health is not the public's responsibility! Fuck that beehive! People buy records because they like the music. Drugs and music have always gone hand in hand. If that anorexic, tattood junkie wants to kill herself, then it'll be HER fault; nobody else's!
Husbands never obey their wives!
A Chinese wife, at the end of her tether, has cut her husband's right hand off because of his internet addiction. She used an implement ubiquitous in Chinese kitchens- a Samurai sword of course. lol
Jiang Ming of Chengdu city promised his wife, He Ling, that he would not go on the internet anymore and would spend more time at home to take care of their newborn son.
But after a short time he started to sneak into nearby internet cafes again to have video chats with girls.
"I was on the internet, and suddenly felt a numbness in my right hand. The arrow on the screen stopped moving," says Jiang Ming.
"Then I found that my right hand was on the mouse pad, and blood was shooting out."
In court, the husband pleaded with the judge to release his wife, since he was to blame for breaking his promise.
The court has adjourned and will announce its verdict on another date, reports Chongqing Evening News.
Got a spare penis?
The world's only penis museum has appealed for a human specimen.
Curator Sigurdur Hjartarson opened the museum in 1974 in Husavik, Iceland, and has collected 195 penises from various animals.
His collection includes penises from hamsters, horses and whales.
But now he is appealing again for a human organ.
He said people from the UK, Germany and the US had contacted him offering their penises in the past but that none of the offers had ever been serious.
A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.
"Hello?" A woman answers.
God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids:
LUCKY BASTARDS.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," then you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and
a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.
I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
Don't want to be on your webcam, dude, I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months."
"He's two," will do just fine.
He's not cheese.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage,
WHY?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a
Little sausage.Men are like....
1. ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. ...Bananas ... The olderthey get, the less firm they are.
3. ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. ... Chocolate bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. ... Department stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. ... Government bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. .....Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11.... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. ... Lava lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. ... Parking spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding
good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know!!!!!!!!!!
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,"So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you
will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully: "for....the....last....time, I said....BRING POSSE!"
A new sign in the bank lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE
& FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will
call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary;
with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate
wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Re-start stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
A German hit and run driver who caused an accident while tucking into a spaghetti carbonara was caught out hours later by the stains on his shirt.
Police found bits of the takeaway meal in the car owned by Jens Martin, 28, which had ploughed into two other parked cars in Goerwihl in south-east Germany.
Officers who turned up at his house just hours after the crash found he still had stains from the meal on his shirt and even had a piece of spaghetti in his hair.
A police spokesman said: "He tried to claim the car had been stolen but the food matched up. It appears he had been eating it in the car at the time of the accident."
If King Kong can find love, then so can you!
A famous hairy man in China calls himself King Kong and is to get married at the end of this year.
Yu Zhenghuan, 30, nicknamed himself King Kong after watching the American Movie.
Yu, who met his girlfriend at a friend's party, said: "We fell in love at the first sight."
He must give great head. Isn't that why guys grow goatees?Paul Hodson tumbled into a river and drowned as he had a wee. Coroner Edward Thomas told Hatfield Coroner’s Court in Herts: “The way his trousers were found suggests he was going to the toilet and sadly fell into the water.”
The 40-year-old undid his trousers before losing his balance and plunging in.
No, it wasn't the weight of his willy that caused him to lose his balance- he was pissed! lol
He’d drunk enough to be three times over the alcohol limit for driving, a post mortem revealed. There were also traces of the sedative Diazepam in his blood.
Monday, August 27, 2007
New single by Sugababes- About you now
This sounds like something Girls Aloud would sing, but I'm not complaining. This makes me want to stand up on on my desk and wiggle!
More than 7,000 took part in the online poll organised by wheat and gluten free product makers Trufree. Surely this is wrong? Why isn't the chocolate Digestive at the top? Or at least the chocolate Hob-Nob? I demand a re-count!
THE humble custard cream has topped a poll to discover the nation’s favourite biscuit.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A squirrel that charmed Finland this summer by turning up daily at a supermarket for chocolate eggs has now been banned from the premises.
Thanks to the manager of the SIWA supermarket in Jyvaskyla, Finland, the squirrel skipped through the open front door every day and made a beeline to the confectionery section.
There it helped itself to a Kinder Surprise, before scampering back outdoors to savour the treat.
"The squirrel is prohibited from entering," an employee at the supermarket told AFP on Thursday. "It's a decision of the health authorities. The door of the store has remained open all summer, but now it will be shut."
Amused customers had dipped into their wallets to pay for the goodies.
Extremely Lane Pick Up Lines
1. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
2. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
3. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
4. I like every bone in your body especially mine.
5. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
6. Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
7. Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
8. Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
9. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
10. Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
11. If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
12. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
13. You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
14. I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
15. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
16. If you were a car door I would slam you all night long
17. How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
18. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
19. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
20. Can I have fries with that shake!
21. I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
22. You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
23. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
24. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
25. Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
26. Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
27. Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
28. Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
29. My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
30. I'd look good on you.
31. When does your centerfold come out.
32. So do ya wanna see something really swell?
33. I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
34. I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
35. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
36. Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
37. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
38. You have nice legs. What time do they open?
39. Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
40. Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
41. Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
42. Are those pants from outer space? 'Cause that ass is out of this world.
43. You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
44. Is your dad a terrorist? Because you're the bomb!
45. Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
46. If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
A dog in China has adopted a piglet, nursing it as if it were her own puppy.
Huihu, from Chongqing city, adopted the piglet after her five pups were stillborn.
"She was very depressed for one week, then one night came home with a tiny black piglet following her," says owner, Lao Yi.
Lao Yi says that ever since, Huihu has reared the piglet as if it were her own puppy, nursing her and taking her around.
A spinster has spent over £1000 dressing up her dog!
It includes a fetching £30 green waterproof jacket, a jaunty tailor-made coat to guard against the wind, T-shirts and caps to protect him from the sun, costing up to £20 a time, and an array of hooded jumpsuits.
Of course, no outfit is complete without a carefully selected accessory - and Ed has a number of swish bandanas to choose from. He even has his own £30 lifejacket for when he goes sailing.
The most expensive items in Ed's wardrobe are a £60 gem-encrusted leather lead with a stainless-steel clasp and an £80 Aquascutum jacket.
LOL Dumb bitch. Why do people try to humanise their pets? They're animals: their only needs are food, water, and shelter. They don't need clothes- they have a coat already! I wouldn't be surprised if she's trained the dog to use condoms.
The Sunday Mail:
The parents of Madeleine McCann faced further lurid claims from the Portuguese media with accusations that the scent of a corpse has been discovered on the key of a car they hired weeks after their daughter's disappearance.
A daily newspaper alleged a specialist sniffer dog brought in by British police to aid the Policia Judiciaria detected traces of a body on the key to the Renault Scenic hired by Kate and Gerry McCann five weeks after Madeleine, four, was abducted from their holiday apartment in the resort of Praia da Luz.
In murder investigations, ALL possibilities must be considered, regardless of how unlikely they may be. Time and time again there have been murders within a family and the relatives of missing persons have gone on to attend press conferences, only for them to be later convicted of the missing person's murder! Why are we completely dismissing the possibility that the McCanns might have taken part in Maddy's disappearance? Anything is possible at this stage and people should not be so quick to assume that the parents could not have had anything to do with it. After all, who really knows what goes on behind closed doors?
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Well folks, not much happening here today. I'm just sitting here cross-legged in my salmon-coloured flip flops and sucking on a Fab ice lolly (God, I really am gay!). Oh, and I have diarrhoea today too. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that bacon and egg McMuffin this morning.
There's nothing interesting in the news so I guess I should just go to the garden to tan my ass. Doesn't it annoy you when you see deeply-tanned men in pornos and when they take their undies off, you are temporarily blinded?
Friday, August 24, 2007
Two curvy blondes could face a hefty fine or even prison for flashing and jiggling their boobies at a CCTV camera.
Fun-loving 21-year-olds Abbi-Louise Maple and Rachel Marchant lifted their tops and showed off their assets when they saw the CCTV camera pointing towards them after a day on the beach near Worthing pier.
They thought they were just having a laugh, but little did they know the operator was calling the police. LOL!
Enrique Inglesias must be ruing the day he told Esquire magazine that he "can never find extra-small condoms."
Reports in the US suggest that prophylactic manufacturer Lifestyles have offered the singer £500,000 if he'll be the face (so to speak) of their brand.
A representative of the firm said: "It takes a real man to admit his shortcomings and if this Latin crooner can flaunt a fault and still keep [girlfriend] Anna Kournikova on his arm, other men are sure to … take pride in what they're not packin'."
Mr Muscle - Loves the Jobs You Hate!
LOL Look at his face! He's struggling to lift that dumpling! lol
Why is she sleeping? Probably can't feel a thing.
Celeb Big Bruv axed- some good news for you all
The 2008 series of Celebrity Big Brother is being axed in the wake of the race row which engulfed the show's last run, Channel 4 has confirmed.
A decision about a return for the reality show in 2009 is expected to be made next year.
A troop of monkeys have reportedly taken to harassing and mocking women in a village in Kenya.
The vervet monkeys are reportedly destroying crops and causing a food crisis in the village of Nachu, reports the BBC.
Local MP Paul Muite urged the Kenyan Wildlife Service to help contain their aggressive behaviour.
But he caused laughter when he told parliament the monkeys were harassing and mocking local women.
Women have borne the brunt of the problem as they are primarily responsible for the farms and guard the crops.
But the monkeys are only afraid of young men and throw stones at the women and chase them from the farms.
Nachu's women have even tried wearing their husbands' clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men - but without success.
"When we come to chase the monkeys away, we are dressed in trousers and hats, so that we look like men," said resident Lucy Njeri.
"But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don't run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops."
Madonna- The beat goes on
I heard it a few days ago and I wasn't impressed. Bitch needs to put on her spandex again!
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red
one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW; warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have
nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder
puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it
is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push
the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.
The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Dumb 999 callers
A woman scared of spiders who rang 999 to get police to take the creature out of her home has topped a poll of ridiculous emergency calls.
The list of daft emergency calls has been released by Essex Police to mark the 70th anniversary of the 999 system.
A staggering one in 10 emergency calls are either hoaxes or not about emergency situations.
At tenth spot in the embarrassing poll is callers who rang 999 asking for the number of Crimestoppers so they can report minor crimes.
Ninth in the hall of shame was a woman who dialled police because she was walking home alone after a night out and fancy a chat.
In the cringeworthy top ten the eighth spot was a caller who rang to say 'I can't get a taxi home and I've got no credit. Can you phone one for me or give me a lift?' and in seventh place is a woman who said she had no money and wanted police to give her a lift home.
In sixth place was a call from a man ringing for advice after his wife mistakenly got on the wrong bus while out shopping and ended up in Romford.
In fifth spot was a person who dialled 999 to ask what time a fireworks display was taking place and fourth were animals lovers who called to report a parrot stuck up a tree and a hamster trapped behind a wardrobe.
The third most memorable time wasting call was a person who rang 999 to ask what the weather would be like the next day because they wanted to have a picnic.
In second spot was an exasperated mum who called the police because her son refused to get out of bed.
Topping the hall of shame in first place was a terrified woman who called emergency crews asking them to come to her home and put out a spider which was scaring her.
Chief Inspector Nick Lee of the communications division said: "These calls may seem amusing but the callers are clearly misusing the 999 facility.
Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes are reported to sleep in separate bedrooms, so she doesn't have to suffer his snoring.
A source told US magazine, Star: "It's a situation that works for both of them".
I bet! Tom needs a room to himself so his gay lovers can drop by without disturbing Katie. Poor love.
Sammy Lin, a New York barman, creates amazing faces and patterns for his customers' cappucinos.
I wonder how long it takes to make one coffee? 45mins? Pass me the Nescafe Instant any day! lolMingers go free
A dungeon museum is offering visitors free entry – as long as they subject themselves to an ugliness test on arrival.
The Mingers Go Free event this weekend will see visitors pitch their looks against photos of celebrities deemed to have been beaten with the ugly stick, such as singer Marilyn Manson and Kelly Osbourne.
If they are judged to be uglier than the stars they will be given free entry to York Dungeon.
Manager Helen Douglas said she did not expect many people to pass the 'tongue-in-cheek' offer.
New song by KT Tunstall- Hold on
I'm at work so I don't know what this sounds like. Has her music evolved? Or is it the same old crap? Just kidding. I liked her first album.
A BOYFRIEND embarrassed about the size of his willy told his lover he wanted sex in the dark — then got his brother to take his place. Desperate Manfred Schuh, 26, got away with it for two months until his girlfriend turned the light on during a shag. He has now been charged with accessory to rape and brother Walter, 28, with rape. Cops said Manfred, of Berlin, used to get into bed, turn off the light, pretend to go to the bathroom then swap places with Walter.
Pigeons' crap is to blame for bridge collapse!
Experts believe a build-up of corrosive droppings weakened the metal structure in Minneapolis, USA. It then buckled under the pounding of heavy traffic and finally collapsed on August 1, plunging cars into the Mississippi River.
PIGEON shit was last night being blamed for the collapse of a bridge that killed 13 people.
If you look like a bulldog, then congratulations, women love you!
GIRLS fall for hunks like Brad Pitt and Will Smith because they look like BULLDOGS, say boffins. Scientists found that women are drawn to the ‘bulldog’ or ‘caveman’ face due to evolution. Dr Eleanor Weston, of London’s Natural History Museum, said girls are designed to like short upper faces, with the skin below the brow scrunched like a bulldog. Men with those features include Men in Black star Smith and Fight Club hunk Pitt. Dr Weston said: “The evolution of facial appearance is central to what makes men and women attractive to each other.”
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Those crazy yellas again!
A shopping centre in China is promoting itself by inviting passers-by to stand on blocks of ice and eat ice lollies.
The best ice lolly eater on show can win 800 yuan in cash, reports Yangcheng Evening News.
The event, held in front of the Modern Shopping Mall in Guangzhou city, drew large crowds.
"It's fun to see people to stand on ice and eat lollies", says a viewer.Whatever you say!
NEW Madonna song- The beat goes on
Click HERE!
Hurry up before it gets removed. I don't have speakers at work so I can't form an opinion.
Pah. Forget what I said about Madonna and JT dueting at the MTV Video Music Awards. It was just a rumour. Damn you gossipers for getting me excited!
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for £5.00 for dinner. The woman took out her purse, extracted a £5.00 note and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
In his book 'Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe', James Brundage creates a truly fantastic flow chart explaining when one can and (mostly) cannot engage in the physical act of love.
Click image to enlarge.
That's a HAND?
A Chinese man who had the world's biggest hand is hoping for a normal life after undergoing surgery.
Liu Hua, 24, from Jiangsu Province, had fingers thicker than his arms before the operation to remove 11lbs of bone and tissue, reports Xinmin Evening News.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
> are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
> and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
> calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> forgot? ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
> different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
> to rephrase that?
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
> ______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________
> And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
...I have one
...You have one
...Your mother uses your father's one
...And your auntie uses your uncle's one
...A married lady would acquire one
...But a divorced lady would lose her one
...Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
...Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
...Madonna doesn't have one
...The Chinese usually have short ones
...While the Indian usually have long ones
....go down>>>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
...Do you have one?
...How long is your one?
...Which one is your preferred one?
...(see below for answer)>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
...what you are thinking of! Go down......
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
...Answer : it's your surname, what else?!! But I like the way you think.
A Polish couple were pulled apart and arrested by police for having sex on a pavement alongside a busy road in broad daylight.
Pictures of the pair were caught on a shopping centre's CCTV cameras and have been reproduced in local newspapers.
Kamila Steranovska and Tomasz Mienkowicz, both 19, stripped off and started romping in front of astonished passers-by in the middle of the day in the Praga district of the capital Warsaw.
A police spokesman said: "They were so engrossed in their act that when we tried to arrest them they told us to get lost and leave them to finish what they were doing."
Can I borrow Chumbee?
A sex mad Scottish koala bear is in demand after an experiment in which he was asked to show an Austrian bear the facts of life.
Managers at Vienna's Schoenbrunn zoo had despaired their own male koala would ever get to grips with the bear necessities.
But five-year-old Chumbee, on loan from Edinburgh zoo, has succeeded where romantic music, erotic koala movies and aphrodisiac foods had all failed.
Zoo manager Helmut Pechlaner said: "Chumbee hasn't stopped since he got here, it has been almost non stop sex in the koala enclosure ever since, and now even our own male is joining in.
"We are confident we will soon be seeing the padding of tiny koala paws."
And zoo veterinarian Hanna Vielgrader added: "The only break is to eat or sleep, other than that there's no stopping them.
"The heat has probably helped but we doubt it would make much difference whatever temperature it was for the Scottish koala. Chumbee can't restrain himself at all."
The stud muffin, taking a break from all the shagging.
The actions of a civilised country
His face covered by a balaclava, an official brandishing a cane repeatedly lashes the back of a man found guilty of breaking Iran's morality laws.
Two police officers hold the legs of 25-year-old Saeed Ghanbari and another his arms to ensure there is no escape from the punishment of 80 lashes handed down by a religious court.
Traffic was brought to a halt in Qazvin, 90 miles west of the capital Tehran, as more than 1,000 men gathered behind barricades to watch the public flogging.
It was unclear exactly what his offence had been as the country's strict morality laws cover many areas, but it was reported he had been convicted of abusing alcohol and having sex outside of marriage.
The public lashings have been endorsed by the judiciary as a way of deterring alcohol abuse at a time when it is on the increase among young men but some religious leaders are said to be questioning their validity, fearing they have an adverse impact on the country's image abroad.
One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". We felt sorry
for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. The vet decided to
keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come
and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE
who wanted the dirty cat, NOT him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O,
and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and
constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word
on this occasion.
next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see
him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my
husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God
knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friend, is getting even...
A medieval cobbled square in Poland that has survived invasions by the Nazis and Soviets is being destroyed – by kebab fat.
All Saints' Square in Krakow is being eaten away by fat drops from the favoured snack of thousands of visiting
tourists, mostly Britons.
A nutritious, rotating, gelatinous blob that men around the country scoff after a night of heavy drinking.
In a glorious victory for the forces of greater nakedness, Vermont's clothing-optional capital is stripping off its short-lived ban on public nudity.
Brattleboro passed a temporary prohibition on naturism a month ago, after an elderly tourist strolled naked through the center of town. Ewwwwww! I can almost picture an old lady's minge dragging across the floor.
But city board members voted 3-2 on Tuesday to reject a proposed ordinance that would have made the ban permanent. When the emergency temporary ordinance expires next month, public nudity will no longer be illegal.
An assault charge against a boy who allegedly threw a cocktail sausage at a neighbour was condemned as 'a complete waste of time'.
The 12-year-old, who cannot be named for legal reasons, appeared at a youth court accused of common assault. He denied the charge.
He allegedly threw a sausage at his 74-year-old neighbour on August 11 and police arrested him before taking his mugshot and fingerprinting him.
It is understood that the case has cost about £2,000 so far.
The 12-year-old's weapon of choice.
A racism row has broken out after villagers posed as 'Muslim Page 3 girls' during a carnival parade.
The 17 revellers dressed in burkas held up placards with names such as Miss Sleptwithajudgistan and Miss Hairyassisbadistan.
The group calling themselves 'The Page 3 Beauties from the Ramalama Ding Dong Times' were ribbing plans by Prince Charles' Duchy Estate in Cornwall to build a mosque nearby.
They entered the carnival carrying banners, and praying to Mecca on the high street at St Columb Major near Newquay.
However, police stepped in when six students accused the group of racism.
One of the 'burka girls' said afterwards: 'It was ridiculous. We should be allowed to take the mickey out of whoever we want at carnival.
Residents claim the mosque is unnecessary as Cornwall has only 33 practising Muslims out of a population of 22,000.
I probably shouldn't laugh, but I am finding this funny. My page 3 burka name should be Miss Sluttyrabbitwithfurryassistan. What would yours be?
The pets were “living on top of each other” — some in cages, others free — gnawing through walls and plagued by abscesses. Stephanie Taylor, 51, and John Gooch, 71, of Ashford, West London, also allowed them to clamber over dead bodies. Staines JPs heard Taylor, banned from keeping animals, called them “my babies”. But she could not cope when her pets bred with wild rats. The couple admitted cruelty. Sentence was adjourned. Rats aren't pets! Kill them all! Damn vermin are a nuisance.
A CRUEL couple were yesterday warned they may face jail after packing almost 400 rats into their one-bedroom home.
He visited her home 23 times offering counselling but told her: “That’s the work done. Let’s get on with the sex.” Johns, 50, called on her after she was discharged from St Anne’s Hospital, Poole, Dorset. 
PSYCHIATRIC nurse Ralph Johns was struck off yesterday for having sex with an anorexic patient (and presumably breaking a few bones in the process). 
Vicky, 24, lived on beans on toast for a year to pay vet’s bills after the Rhode Island Red — called Lily — got entangled in barbed wire. She also took out a bank loan as the beloved bird underwent SEVEN failed operations. What the hell? Silly girl should have just covered it in breadcrumbs and bunged her in the oven! Mmm tasty!
Vicky Mills spent £2,000 trying to save her pet chicken’s injured leg — only for the hen to end up with DEPRESSION after it was amputated.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Perched casually on the edge of her circular desk, her stilettos dangling above the studio floor, the 36-year-old blonde swung one toned leg over the other.
Although she was wearing a relatively demure navy skirt-suit, Miss Maitlis's flash of shapely calf caused a stir among more conservative viewers who saw the 9pm trailer on Monday.
By last night more than 30 complaints had been posted on the BBC's message boards by disgruntled licence fee-payers.
Miss Maitlis's style of presenting was described as "indulgent" and "completely inappropriate". One viewer complained that she was "flashing her legs" while another added: "It is thoroughly unprofessional and obviously meant to be titillating. It is giving out all the wrong messages."
Ooooh, her choice of attire is certainly getting me excited. I say we all complain to our MPs and demand an apology from the BBC and from Slutty Miss Maitlis for showing us her *gasp* lower legs and seductively swinging her ankles. The horny bitch!
For the nerd in you
An internet mapping service used by millions every day has been launched into space.
Using free software from Google Earth, amateur stargazers can now bring an astronaut's view of galaxies and planets to their computer screens.
At the click of a button, they will be able to zoom millions of miles into space to scan through 100million stars and 200million galaxies as seen from the Earth.
Through the free search engine they can learn about constellations, the Moon, planets and the life of a star by viewing high-resolution images.
These are beamed from a number of sky-mapping organisations including the Hubble space telescope and the UK Astronomy Technology Centre.
The program, called Sky, features the same navigation tools as Google Earth which uses satellite pictures that zoom to street level.
Each of the images provided by some of the world's top scientific and academic centres will be updated regularly so users can continuously monitor stars, galaxies and nebulae.
Eventually, Google hopes that amateur astronomers will be able to post their own images on the site when they have captured something exceptional happening in the heavens.
To view the program, users will need to download the latest version of Google Earth which can be found at www.earth.google.com.
Annie Lennox- Sing
The track 'Sing' features 23 of the most recognised and successful female solo artists in the world, invited by Annie, to raise awareness and finances for TAC initiatives (Treatment Action Campaign (TAC) - organizations fighting for human rights, education and health care for those affected by the HIV AIDS virus). Included among the group are superstars such as Madonna, Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion, Fergie, Faith Hill, Pink, Dido, Gladys Knight, kd Lang, Angelique Kidjo, Bonnie Raitt, Shakira, Melissa Etheridge, Anastasia, Joss Stone, KT Tunstall and many others.
I'm gonna have to cast my beady eye over these country singers from now on!
This is Luke Bryan. No, I've never heard of him either.
Cute huh?
I feel so moody today. I don't really know why. Oh wait, I do. It's the fucking job! As soon as I have to do work, I just get all moody on everyone! lol And it doesn't help that the colleague who sits next to me can't ever shut the fuck up! She really does laugh at anything and everything (she was waiting for the kettle to boil but it was unplugged so she started laughing and telling everyone. Ha ha?). Oh, and yet again I was moving furniture around in the office 'cause the other half of the office was being recarpeted. I don't DO lifting! *throws diva strop* lol I've got to the stage where I just don't give a shit anymore. The sooner I find something else the better.
Male drivers who paid $5 for a topless car wash were not exactly pleased when the car washers turned out to be shirtless male firefighters! (Phwoar!) "A little bit of a bait-and-switch," Assistant Chief Donald Prince admitted. "All the guys back there are all topless." Female drivers didn't seem to mind the shirtless firefighters. Male drivers, though, felt they were getting burned. Mike Matias was hugely disappointed when a man soaped up and rinsed his car. But he said at least his $5 went to a good cause: All the money raised will benefit school booster clubs and charities, the Brookhaven fire department said.
Nipple enhancement anyone?
New York-based nipple surgeon (he specialised in nippleology at university) Bruce Nadler performs the procedure on half a dozen people a year and says most do it because they want the "teasing look " of an erect nipple all the time.
Still others - mostly men - are nipple fetishists who want their nipples to be the biggest, most desirable nipples possible. The "super-sizing" is done with injections of collagen or cartilage taken from the patient's ear. Dr Nadler says another popular procedure is nipple reduction surgery, which is done mostly by women who are self conscious about looking nipply in cold weather.
Irish get their own back
A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Paddy shouts: 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit).
The man shouts back: 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Paddy shouts back: 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Just like his mother used to do
A Fairy Tale
One day, long, long ago there was this man who surprisingly, was not full of shit...
But this was a long time ago.... and it was just ONE day.
The End
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware
>>that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started
by
>>running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He
ran
>>his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
>>
>>Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand
>>over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
waist.
>>
>> He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
other.
>>
>>His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle
probing
>>then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then
returned to
>>do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming
>>aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
>>
>> The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
>>
>>"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
>>
>> He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
BBQ RULES
>>
>>It is always important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this
>>sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a
>>'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
>>involved.
>>
>>When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
>>put into motion:
>>
>>Routine...
>>
>>(1) The woman buys the food.
>>(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
>>dessert.
>>(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
>>with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man
>>who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
>>
>>Here comes the important part:
>>
>>(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>>
>>More routine....
>>
>>(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
>>(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
>>thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
>>the situation.
>>
>>Important again:
>>
>>(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>>
>>More routine....
>>
>>(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
>>sauces, and brings them to the table.
>>(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
>>
>>And most important of all:
>>
>>(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
>>(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
>>seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
>>some women....
VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007
>> For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed
>> bicycle. His
>> father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
>> mortgage on this house is
>> $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no
>> way we can
>> afford it."
>
>> The next day the father saw little Joe heading out
>> the front
>> door with a suitcase so he asked, "Son, where are
>> you going?"
>
>> Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room
>> last night and heard you
>> telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
>> tell you to
>> wait because she was coming too.
>
> And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
> with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Whore in a bottle!
Jordan's promo pics for her new perfume "Stunning".
This lethal concoction contains top notes of vagina juice and silicone, middle notes of Bisto gravy and beef dripping, and base notes of Andre's sweaty balls.
*Looks at the pic again*
That bitch really does live in fairyland doesn't she? She got married in a dress which she probably bought at a Disney store; she arrived at the church in a precarious Cinderella carriage; she "sang" A Whole New World (really badly) with Andre; she named her daughter Princess and apparently she's also into coprophilia (“I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I’d never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act!”), but I don't think Cinderella was into that...
You go girl. You are class personified!
A robber who held up a bookmakers with his girlfriend's still slimy Rampant Rabbit vibrator has been jailed.
Nicki Jex, 27, concealed the sex toy in a carrier bag and pretended it was a gun during the raid on the Ladbrokes shop, in Leicester, on December 27 last year.
Madonna gossip
Entertainment Tonight Canada reported on Tuesday night that Madonna will be performing at the MTV Video Music Awards with Justin Timberlake!
Men will go to far greater lengths than women to have an affair, a survey out today showed.
Men travel an average of 131.7 miles to conduct affairs while women clock up just 16.5 miles, the survey from extra-marital dating website IllicitEncounters.com.
More than 20 per cent of men polled said they would travel "as far as it takes" (I bet!) to carry on their liaisons, while 34 per cent of women preferred romance within 20 miles of their home.
As many as five per cent of men and 3.1 per cent of women would travel anywhere in the UK.
Five males and four females surveyed travelled between 5,000 and 10,000 miles for every date.
An IllicitEncounters.com spokeswoman said: "Women have different levels of commitment at home compared to men.
A one-legged, sixty-year-old father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, according to reports from the United Arab Emirates.
Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides - although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time, Emirates Today reported on Monday.
'In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children,' the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.
'After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.'
Can someone please chop his 'nads off!!!
A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.
The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.
'There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage,' zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.
A woman set fire to her ex-husband's willy as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.
Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was 'difficult to predict.'
'It was monstrously painful,' the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper.
'I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this.'
ADAM LEVINE (of Maroon 5) has slammed former lover MARIA SHARAPOVA's behaviour between the sheets.
Levine said: "She wouldn’t make any noise during sex.
"I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type.
"But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration'. lol!
I think I sound like a pig in distress...
What do you sound like?
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Hi guys. Sorry I couldn't post anything today- I didn't have access to my computer! My office is getting new carpets fitted so I've had to help my colleagues rearrange the office. Tut. Don't they know I have the grace of a swan? Swans don't lug heavy furniture around; they wonder effortlessly from room to room pretending to be some big shot. lol
Oh, I also had a date this evening with that same guy I met up with on Friday. It was nice, but then he started saying he's terrified of catching STDs and asked about my sexual history (what history?) and hinted I should get a HIV test. Yeah, a bit of a mood killer. I can understand he's worried but I still can't help think that he thinks I'm some kind of diseased whore. I've never had a test. Why? Well, I just haven't been very sexually active (I have the libido of a panda) and though I know it only takes one mistake, I've always used protection and so what's the point? I don't need the peace of mind because I KNOW I'm clean.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
_____
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
_______
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I
hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and
asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want
to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great
pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would
have
seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
____
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
>your vehicle.
>
>From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove
their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.
>
>The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
>the car.
>
>The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
>On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from
unde the chassis.
>
>Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
>turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
>
>Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
>quickly
>put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
>
>On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
>staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>
>The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
The Cunts!
Radio station Talksport has been censured after two presenters made derogatory comments about gay people.
Mike Mendoza was suspended for a week after linking homosexuality with paedophilia, while Garry Bushell called homosexuality a "perversion".
Regulator Ofcom upheld two complaints, saying connecting homosexuality with paedophilia was "highly offensive".
Introducing a show in May, Mendoza commented on footballers making appeals over the disappearance of four-year-old Madeleine McCann.
"Paedophiles in general are the type of people that surely would not follow football... not many gay people to the best of my knowledge are great football fans," he said.
In a separate show in June, which generally concentrates on footballing issues, a discussion began about a recent gay demonstration in Russia.
In it, Bushell made light of gay rights activist Peter Tatchell being arrested during the protest.
"I think there are a lot of things to put right in this country before you go around preaching the gospel of perversion," he said.
How very DARE they! *whacks them with my Hermes Birkin bag*
Groom-to-be :
"You all know how I love to tell stories with morals, so here's one with a lesson you all can learn from.
I am a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me--her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight mini-skirts. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate as she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of the story is.... Always keep your condoms in your car.....
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells....
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple
decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy
them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to
nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was
expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a
firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting
a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me."
Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Newcastle, parts of
Hartlepool and anywhere in Scotland.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether you're here or not."
Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per
hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!
Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back
she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!!
It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I dropped
my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In
all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into
the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE
TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of
my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
>
>
>
> Fucking women drivers!!!!!!!
A show called Circus Of Horrors lived up to its name when a dwarf accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner.
Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf was taken to hospital when he became stuck to the the machine after misreading superglue instructions.
The 42-year-old pulls the vacuum across the stage with his manhood at the Edinburgh Fringe production.
Its attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on.
He left it to dry for 20 seconds rather than 20 minutes – and it stuck to him when he tried it out.
'It was the most embarrassing moment of my life,' he explained. 'When I got wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a Hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up.'
Some dwarves.
An amorous camel has killed its woman owner after apparently trying to shag her.
The ten-month-old animal, weighing 150kg, knocked exotic pet lover Pam Weaver to the ground before trying to straddle her.
Husband Noel, who gave her the camel as a 60th birthday present in March (as you do), returned home to discover his wife's body on Saturday.
The animal had a history of erratic behaviour, often trying to straddle other species including the family's pet goat.
The sex-obsessed camel.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
A gassy night
I was a bit naughty on Friday night. I stayed over at a guy's house. I know; I'm shocked too! It's the first time in several years!
We've been on a couple of dates and he's really, really nice. I won't elaborate too much because if you're anything like me, you'll be revulsed. After all, who wants to hear about someone else's love life?
One slight problem though: I was so freakin' gassy! I thought there's no way I'm farting in this guy's bed so I just held it in. I don't really know the cause either. It usually happens if I've had a can of Diet Coke, but all I ate was a bowl of pasta which he prepared. So all night my belly was gurgling and the gas was itching to get out of my already clenched ass. Finally I went to the loo to relinquish control (i.e. I let rip! ). Ahhhh what a relief. So if any ladies are reading this, don't blame a guy for farting. He can't help it!
It's Sunday and it's my rest day.
Enjoy the shitty pants and tiny thong 'cause that's all you're getting for the time being. lol
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Like all air raids, it required meticulous planning, precision flying and a great deal of confidence.
First the herring gull selected its vantage point near to the seafront kiosks selling ices and fast food.
Patiently it waited on a wall for the right victim to stroll along.
At last, a tourist arrived, ice-cream cone held at the perfect angle, blissfully unaware that the food snatcher of St Ives was about to strike.
It was all over in less than a second.
LEGALLY BLONDE: Two teen girls broke into a tattoo parlor in Fairfield,
Maine. But first, they had to get past the alarm system. "They used
hair spray" to do that, said Deputy Police Chief Steve Trahan. "They
wanted to spray it so the fog would come out and they could see the
beam from the alarm system, apparently so they could walk over it or
avoid it or crawl under it." They didn't come up with the idea
themselves. "They said they saw it on TV." But it didn't work: the hair
spray is actually what set off the alarm, bringing officers in for the
arrest. Brittany Blow, 18, and her unnamed juvenile accomplice were
charged with burglary.
What they don't tell you on TV: television shows are fiction.
MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October."
Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year." *****
* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....
"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"
Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X." *****
* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I
look like a foreigner?"
Wife: "No! Why?"
Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'...that's why."
Wife : ?????????
*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."
*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg
and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its
fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a
cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."
*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh?
Sit in the back. I will drive." *****
* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards
the signboard "*WASH BASIN* " *****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and
it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."
*****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...*
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the
right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...*
At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the
right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!
Friday, August 17, 2007
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when
he notices a little girl.
She is sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the
side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to
a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of
the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you
how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog
and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?'
Interested in a squishable toy?
The website says:
"Our squishable animals are designed by a teddy bear manufacturer in beautiful Hong Kong and begin their lives in China."
Ahem yeah. I get it. *Dreams of 2000 poverty-stricken kids working in horrid conditions and earning 2 pence an hour*
A story about a lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the story below will have you laughing out loud!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner
in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
"Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . .
um . .masturbate.
"Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little....."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class -
lizards lay eggs
Brave Man
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Golfer's Deal With the Devil
>
> A golfer was having a tough day and in his
> frustration he blurted out:
> "I would give anything for a birdie on this
> hole."
>
> A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside
> the hole and whispered,
> "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I
> guarantee you will
> make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made
> the shot for birdie.
>
> A few holes later, he was having trouble on
> another hole. "Please, let
> me make this for eagle" he said.
>
> Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said,
> "If you give up
> another quarter of your sex life, you will make
> eagle."
>
> "You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot
> for eagle.
>
> On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle
> to win. The
> stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up
> the last half of your sex
> life, you will make eagle to win."
>
> "OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for
> eagle, winning the round.
>
> As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the
> stranger walked up beside
> him and said, "I think I should inform you that
> I am the Devil, and
> from now on you will have no sex life."
>
> The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice
> to meet you, my name
> is Father O'Malley!"
Chinese couple want to name their child......@
A couple in China want to call their child @.
But officials see the internet term as part of a trend for bizarre names and may contest it, report Sky News.
The symbol @ ("at") sounds like the Chinese phrase "love him."
The unnamed couple are seeking a distinctive and modern name for their youngster.
If I ever have a baby, I think I'll name it "(_O_)" Can you tell what it is?
Cosmopolitan Magazine in the 17th Century
How far should you go on a first date? What's the most make-up you should slap on? Thong or Bridget Jones panties? Cuddle and a peck on the cheek or blow job in an alley way?
These may sound like readers' queries in a trashy women's magazine but they are actually from a recently discovered book of 1694 and was written by a man.
The Ladies Dictionary, Being A General Entertainment For The Fair Sex was discovered in the private collection of the late Tony Hattersley, a Yorkshire book dealer.
According to the manual, a woman should not strive to be the equivalent of size zero.
'Bodies that are very lean and scragged, we must own, cannot be very comely,' the writer suggests.
As for exercise: 'Chase your body as much as you can, that the blood may be stirred in the veins and the skin sit more loose.'
Other beauty tips include bathing in red wine and applying chicken and goose grease to breasts, allowing the mix to set.
Meanwhile, for boobies that have seen better days, turn to the section: 'Breasts hanging down or large: How to make them plump and round'. LMAO!
The publication goes on sale at Bonhams next month and is expected to fetch a modest £2,000.
Matthew Haley, book specialist at the auctioneers, said: 'It'
s an extraordinary book. You could call it the Cosmopolitan of its day.'
Tips from The Ladies Dictionary:
The book advises: 'Let your food be sweet and nourishing.' Eat eggs, veal, mutton and capon (a chicken castrated at a young age). Avoid anything too salty, sharp or bitter.
A slimming aid To drop a dress size, mix 'oyl of foxes', 'oyl of lilies' and some goose grease. Throw in a bit of turpentine and boil. Add 'virgin's wax' and apply to the place that 'languishes'. In other words, your wibbly wobbly bits
How far to go on a first date The Ladies Dictionary asks: 'Is it proper for a woman to yield at the first address? You'll get better conditions if the enemy does not know how weak you are within.' Avoid make-up, it warns, because 'a painted face is enough to destroy the reputation of her that uses it'.
A bit on the side Be careful about playing away – 'adulterous affairs often end in 'blood and disgrace'
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Horse kicks cow to save owner
A Scottish farmer's wife says her horse saved her life after it fought off a cow that was attacking her.
Fiona Boyd, 40, feared she was going to be crushed to death by the cow after it kicked her to the ground, then rolled on top of her.
She says she survived only because her horse, Kerry, raced to the rescue and kicked the cow until it moved off her.
Mrs Boyd told The Scotsman: "I am in no doubt Kerry saved me. If she hadn't been grazing in the same pasture, I really believe I would have been killed. Kerry was fantastic. She saved my life."
A German farmer lost 10,000 Euros when it was eaten by his goat.
But he got it back after having a vet carry out emergency surgery to recover the cash.
Martin Radlberger, 34, from Rosenheim in Germany left the 100 Euro notes that he planned to use to buy a tractor on the kitchen table when he went to answer the phone.
But when he returned he saw his nanny goat Steffi just finishing off the last crisp new note.
"Now I have almost all my money back, and Steffi has had a hard lesson" the farmer says, adding that the vet had kept three of the soggy 100 Euro notes to pay for the surgery. *Shudders*
Naughty goat with expensive tastes.
