Hugh Jackman, doing what he does best.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Tom Cruise is planning to build a bunker at his Colorado home to protect his family in the event of an intergalactic alien attack, according to new reports.
The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth.
Someone call the men in white coats! That bitch has gone cuckoo!
M by Mariah
Mooriah's new perfume ad, where she's nekkid and sliding that perfume stick thingy in her cleavage and God knows where else.
This is how the makers describe the concoction:
A warm and inviting marshmallow is woven throughout the fragrance, evoking a sense of comfort. This indulgent accord captures Mariah's fondest childhood memories of being in the kitchen with her father.
The lush floral heart of the fragrance combines a feminine veil of Living Tahitian Tiare flower wrapped in the aura of wet Gardenia petals. This beautiful blend is reminiscent of the fragrant breezes of Hawaii and the Isle of Capri, Mariah's favorite getaway.
The soul of the fragrance reveals a sexier dimension. Sheer amber, infused with spicy, woody accents of Moroccan incense forms a seductive accord that embodies Mariah's sensuality, beauty and glamour.
WHATEVER!
One YouTube commentator says: "If that perfume smells like Mariah's tits...I'm going to buy it to put it all over my wife!"
I am still curious enough to give it a sniff. I wanna smell like marshmallow- and Mariah's boobies!
Fashion brand Zara was slammed last night for selling a T-shirt featuring a racist “golly” picture. The offensive top was on the shelves just two weeks after the Spanish-owned chain was blasted for stocking a handbag emblazoned with Nazi swastikas. Student Lisa O’Well, 25, spotted the golly while shopping in a London branch of the trendy high street chain. A white T-shirt had a caricature of a black girl with bulging white eyes and menacing teeth. Sorry, but this picture is cute! I love menacing black girls!
David Nugent is a nude gent
Footballer David Nugent tried to pull a girl after she failed to return his calls. Did he send her a bunch of flowers (because all girls love perishable goods) ? No. Did he send her some sexy lingerie from Agent Provocateur (again, because all girls love to receive impractical, transparent and uncomfortable stringy undies)? No. Instead, he did the more gentlemanly thing. Yes folks, he sent her a picture of his cock!
If anyone sees the uncensored picture, please send it to meeeeeeee!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Kylie- Leaked songs off her new album
Enjoy this faggylicious tune "Stars":
This one's "Sensitized":
The "whoo" bit is annoying and pointless!
"In my arms":
A revolutionary new bra!
Is your conventional bra battering and bruising your poor boobies? Then perhaps the Faveo® Freedom Bra is the answer.
The website describes it as "a revolutionary new concept for supporting and shaping that does not use conventional lingerie theories."
I didn't know lingerie theory was so complicated! I have to say that this freaky-looking bra looks kinda painful. But hey, I'll give anything a try!
Subject: CHINESE PROVERBS
>
>
>
> >> >>>Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who run in front of car get tired.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> >>>Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
TENNIS pundits were left red-faced as they commented on a match between Yeu-Tzuoo WANG and Phillip KING. The flustered TV commentators had no choice but to say the players’ last names one after the other during long rallies. There was extra laughter because the Thai Open was in BANGKOK.
Buckingham Palace Guardsman in obscene wanking gesture.
Orf with his 'ead!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Mugger rips off woman's panties
"It's pretty strange. I haven't heard anything like it before," Det-Sen-Sgt Brad Rix said.
He said the 23-year-old was grabbed from behind as she walked home from Newmarket train station about 4.30pm.
The offender then lifted her dress up, and pulled off her underpants before grabbing her bag and taking off.
"It was absolute daylight, not far from a train station. This person must have felt sure he was going to get away with it," Det-Sen-Sgt Rix said. He said there was no attempt to sexually assault the woman, who did not realise her bag had been stolen until some time later.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
on the counter the bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The
man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high
and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a
tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart! Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: 'Here. Rub it.
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets
real excited.
Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.
No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says.
'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
What the fuck happened to KD Lang?
Is she currently undergoing gender reassignment? She should be!
Bitch has more testosterone than me! I bet her balls are a lot bigger too. Mine are only the size of sesame seeds.
A Russian woman has given birth to a baby weighing 7.75kg (17.5lbs), more than twice the average newborn weight.
The "little" girl, Nadia, was delivered by Caesarean section (lucky mamma. She should have been forced to give birth the way God intended- a 36 hour labour and shitting with every push) at a hospital in the Altai region of Siberia, joining eight sisters and three brothers.
"We were all simply in shock," reports quoted Nadia's mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43, as saying.
"What did the father say? He couldn't say a thing - he just stood there blinking," she said.
The 7 grand dessert
A luxury hotel in Sri Lanka has created the most expensive dessert in the world.
The Fortress Hotel's £7,190 Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence features a chocolate sculpture of a fishermen and a huge gemstone.
The dessert features gold leaf Italian kasata flavoured with Irish cream and served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a bubbly-based sabayon.
But the finishing touch is the 80-carat aquamarine stone nestling on the handmade chocolate stilt fisherman.
The hotel describes it as a "one of a kind dessert intrinsically linked with the destination, offering both long lasting memories and a keepsake of the experience".
Fuck the dessert and just gimme the stone. That shit looks nasty!
Ever wondered why bad boys always seem to get the girls?
Well, scientists now think they have finally discovered what makes women sexually attracted to rotters.
They can have the most bigoted or anti-social views, but a man who can flirt with a woman stands the best chance of having a one-night stand, an academic study has revealed.
Just a cheeky smile, a twinkle in the eyes or a raised brow can sometimes be enough to pull a slapper.
It would explain why sexist movie icons such as Alfie – played by Michael Caine and Jude Law – are able to charm their way into the beds of a string of women.
This is because flirting shows vigour and social confidence and also suggests they are more interested in sex than those who do not flirt, psychologist Andrew Clark told New Scientist.
However, while women can quickly 'fall in lust' with a bad boy they are unlikely to fall in love and want to marry them, studies at Bristol University show.
Help your heart. Have a lie-in!
Experts said yesterday that those who clock up seven hours of shut-eye a night can slash the risk of health problems.
Those who manage fewer hours double the risk of heart problems, warn researchers.
Long-term studies show that those who drop down to five hours or fewer face a 70 per cent extra risk of dying from all causes.
They also face twice the risk of death from a cardiovascular problem.
However, getting more than seven hours can also be a risk, according to the study by the University of Warwick and University College London.
Those who slept for eight hours or more a night were more than twice as likely to die as those who had not changed their habits.
Secret Diary of a Call Girl
Check out Billie in her new drama, ITV2 tonight at 10pm. Bitch is all grown up!
The 25-year-old former Doctor Who star is also shown enjoying a menage-a-trois, riding a client like a horse, and cracking a whip at an S&M sex party.
The show is based on a popular blog and follow-up book by a real-life call-girl, using the pseudonym Belle Du Jour.
The programme has been accused of glamourising prostitution.
I can't wait to watch this piece of trash (hmm I'm not sure if I mean Billie or the programme. Probably both).Wednesday, September 26, 2007
LMAO I just read the following text message from a guy who texted the London Lite newspaper in the "Get it off your txt" feature:
"I just accidently flicked a bogey on a woman on the train....she didn't notice."
A US shopper got more than he bargained for when a cooker he bought at a public auction contained a mummified human foot.
Shannon Whisnant discovered the foot when he bought the cooker in Maiden, North Carolina this week.
Police told The Hickory Record the previous owner, John Wood, had his leg amputated below the shin in 2004 after a plane crash.
Wood said he had kept it for "religious reasons" but had forgotten he had put it in the cooker which was in storage at a commercial warehouse.
The cooker was auctioned because Wood had not paid the warehouse's fees.
Rick Lawing, the owner of Maiden Plaza Mini Storage, told the paper: "It was eerie. We've never sold a human foot before. It was quite interesting."
Great idea
New Zealanders have been given the chance to write their own laws, with a new online tool launched by police.
The "wiki" will allow the public to suggest the wording of a new police act, as part of a government review of the current law, written in 1958.
Police say they hope to gain a range of views from the public on the new law before presenting it to parliament.
The wiki, one of the first of its kind in the world, is open to any internet user, police say.
If you've ever wondered why fat, walrus-faced singer Barry White was such a hit with the girls, it was probably because of his deep voice.
Scientists have found that men who speak deeply are likely to father more children than their squeaky rivals.
The news will be no surprise to fans of big Barry, who died in 2003. His subterranean tones apparently helped him to father eight children.
It is thought women use a man's voice to judge his masculinity, with deep-voiced men being rated more attractive.
As a result, these men have a better chance of getting the girl and are therefore
more likely to have children. The study by Canadian and American scientists follows other work showing women rate men with deep voices as being more dominant, older, healthier and more masculine.
Men, in turn, believe women with higherpitched voices are better looking, subordinate, feminine, healthier and younger.
The latest research was set up specifically to look at whether the added attractiveness of deep-voiced men led to them fathering more children.
Methinks women are far more interested in guys with deep pockets rather than a deep voice.
Article on sleepsex
The Metro:
It's been the butt of many jokes and it's even proved a successful defence in rape trials. But still little is known about sleepsex – a rare condition that triggers sexual behaviour while sleeping. It was first officially recorded in The Canadian Journal Of Psychiatry in 2003 and, as the phenomenon has gained media interest, more people are coming forward to admit they're driving their partners insane with their midnight moves.
No laughing matter
Undeniably, the condition does sound funny ('sorry honey – I was asleep') but living with sleepsex is far from amusing, says 29-year-old Thomas from London. He experienced his first sleepsex episode in 2003 and now has them about twice a month.
'It's really hard living with something like this – I can't control it and I feel guilty. It's caused arguments with my wife and she's even thinking about divorce.'
The morning after a sleepsex episode, Thomas feels like he's had a dream he can't quite remember: 'About two per cent of me thinks something might have happened. I only know about it because my wife is angry with me when I wake up.
'She tells me it's mostly just touching and petting but it's more than just disrupting her sleep – I'm doing things to her without her permission and it's becoming a serious problem for her.'
Looking for answers
Life would be a lot easier for Thomas if more were known about sleepsex. Although doctors now know the triggers – it's thought fatigue, sleep deprivation, alcohol, drug use and stress are all factors – they still don't know why one person commits a sexual act in their sleep and why another doesn't. In fact, sleep expert Dr Neil Stanley, manager of the Clinical Research and Trials Unit at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital, says we could all have it: 'We might all do things in our sleep all the time and carry on our lives completely unaware.
'If your partner kisses, fondles or even tries to have intercourse with you and you're both in a deep sleep, neither of you may remember. If your partner does remember and finds it a pain, they will tell you to stop doing it. If they enjoyed it, they might not even mention it and will just think it was a pleasurable experience. It all depends on the dynamic of the relationship.'
Dr Stanley says a lot of reports have come from women who say their husband or boyfriend is a better lover when they're asleep. 'This is how some men have realised they have the condition. I expect their partners are the few women who don't complain about it.'
A common complaint?
Psychologist Mike Mangan, of the University of New Hampshire in the US, is one of the few professionals who have correlated data on sleepsex. His book Sleepsex: Uncovered was published in 2001 and his website (www.sleepsex.org) has registered comments from more than 1,000 sufferers, suggesting that sleepsex is far more common than we think.
The stories from these people have only made it more of an anomaly. Some say they have regular episodes; others have just the one. 'Regardless of how often the incidents occur, it's causing a lot of problems for couples,' says Dr Mangan. 'I've had reports from men who say their wife masturbates all night and are actually bruising themselves because they're doing it so vigorously.
'It's interesting seeing how women and men react to sleepsex. Women tend to get fed up with their partner initiating sex during the night, particularly if he is being quite rough. Men tend not to mind that their partner is trying it on – it's a generalisation but it's the truth. Other men feel sexually abandoned and threatened. They wonder who their wife or girlfriend is dreaming about and worry they're not satisfying her.'
Sleeping solo
Treating sleepsex is a slow process. Dr Mangan suggests sufferers should sleep with a pillow between them and their partner: 'Any form of jostling or bodily contact – even rolling over – can arouse a sufferer.' Doctors are also looking at the use of Clonazepam, a drug from the same family as Valium, to reduce the episodes.
For now, Thomas is doing all he can to improve his sleep patterns: 'I've cut out alcohol and I'm taking muscle relaxants to improve my sleep. We may even try sleeping in separate beds, too.'
This is something Dr Stanley is a big advocate of: 'Humans aren't meant to share their bed with another person. We've studied chimpanzees and we know they like a comfy bed – but they like sleeping in it alone.'
A girl pictured in Morocco three weeks ago is not missing Maddie McCann, according to reports.
She is five-year-old Bushra Binhisa, the daughter of olive farmers who live in the region, was has been claimed.
Evening Standard journalist Rashid Razaq, who flew to Morocco from London, said he saw the youngster today.
He said: "She has got a resemblance to Madeleine but when you see her properly, it is obvious it isn't her."
Duh! I could have told you that! All blonde, caucasian four-year-olds look the same. Dumb tourists are just noticing every single blonde girl and wondering if it's Madeleine. Hello? What idiot would just take her outdoors for everyone to see? I'm sorry to say that in my opinion, she's maggot food already.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line! Just one lady in front of me.....an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated....
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change??"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said "Fluctuations"
Dave walks into the bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers -
"I'm moving to London, I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, s tared at him for ! ! sever al tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as...
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up
on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come
on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that
fit."
Firearms shops in the US are stocking pink rifles and shotguns to encourage girls to get into shooting.
A report in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel says the Gander Mountain hunting store in Waukesha stocks several pink guns.
They include a Remington 20-gauge shotgun with a pink and black stock emblazoned with the slogan: "Shoot like a girl if you can!"
Store manager Chris Hanson said the guns were aimed, so to speak, at girls and women interested in hunting.
He said the shotgun, and a Crickett rifle with a bright pink stock, were both selling well.
An air passenger in China shocked cabin crews when they found him taking a sponge bath in the toilet.
Passengers on the flight from Nanning to Chongqing complained that the man was spending too much time in the toilet.
An air attendant knocked on the door, and then noticed water flowing out from underneath it, reports the Chongqing Morning News.
"We had to open the door with a key, and saw that the man was half naked," said the attendant.
"When he saw me, he said he was bathing, and asked me if I had some shampoo."
The man, Jin Sheng, said it was his first time on a plane.
"I discovered the bathroom had hot water, so I thought of taking a bath, since I hadn't had one for nearly a week," he explained. Gross!
The airline could not punish or charge Jin, as there is nothing in the regulations to prohibit passengers from having a mid-flight bath.
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, ... "Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club......an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the South of France, and...."
"Now, what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, ... "A prostitute, Dad"...
"Oh! Be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Gross. Man bites a duck's head off!
A man was in custody Sunday after police said he ripped the head off a tame duck that lived in a hotel lobby's ornamental pond.
Scott D. Clark, a guest at the Embassy Suites Hotel in St. Paul, cornered the duck early Saturday morning, grabbed the bird and ripped its head from its body while a hotel security guard and others watched, police said.
Clark then turned to onlookers and said: "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it," St. Paul police Sgt. John Wuorinen said.
"He was allegedly drunk," Wuorinen said. Clark, 26, of Denver, was detained by hotel security guards until police came to arrest him.
He remained jailed Sunday on suspicion of felony animal cruelty and was scheduled to appear in court Monday to be charged.
TV presenter pukes on live TV
A Swedish television presenter took standards of professionalism to a new level after she vomited live on air but continued with the show.
Eva Nazemson was hosting a late night phone-in game show on TV4 Plus when she suddenly took ill.
As a male caller tried to solve a word puzzle, Nazemson quickly turned her head to one side and vomited.
She disappeared off screen for a few seconds but quickly reappeared to continue with the phone-in.
Shayne Ward - No You Hang Up
I like this gratuitous video, especially the bit when the girl slides her hands into his jeans to grope/fist his ass.
A shocking image of a naked anorexic woman has gone on display to help force the fashion industry into ending a "dangerous" reliance on size zero models.
Emaciated Isabello Caro, 27, who has been anorexic since the age of 13, has been shown on billboards across Milan as the Italian city celebrates its fashion week.
Nasty! If that doesn't encourage models to start scoffing Krispy Kremes, then nothing will!For the love of God look at your deflated tits!!!!!!! lol
Do you have perfect boobies/moobies?
Whether small or large, pert or pendulous, they all have their admirers.
But there is one type of breast that most approaches perfection, a cosmetic surgeon claims.
The model mammary apparently has a nipple that points slightly skywards, and an upper half just a bit smaller than the bottom half.
Patrick Mallucci spent many hours drooling over photos of topless models in lads magazines and tabloid newspapers to formulate his theory.
In his opinion, the celebrity with the best pair is Caprice - and the woman with the worst is Posh Spice.
Mr Mallucci will prevent his findings at the first international conference on breast enlargement, to be held in London this week. LOL I wonder how many of the delegates will be actual surgeons, and how many will be there just to leer at tits on a massive projector screen?
In his lecture, titled Concepts in Design for Breast Augmentation, he will express the hope that his insights are used by surgeons providing breast enlargements.
Mr Mallucci said: "I studied a wide variety of photographs of the most popular topless models to work out the various proportions they had in common and what made those particular features attractive.
"These findings allowed me to form a template around which to plan a breast augmentation, and set a standard of aesthetics.
"Obviously personal interpretation and expression has to be accounted for, but this has allowed me to develop a template that I have been using successfully for some time."
The key aesthetic elements are nipple position and the proportion between the upper and lower halves of the breast, he said.
"The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion - that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at about 45 per cent from the top."
Right, someone hand me a ruler and protractor!
He added: "All of the models I looked at conformed to these parameters. None of them were augmentedand yet they were clearly considered to have beautiful breasts, so I wanted to examine how that could be achieved in someone not so well-endowed by using an implant.
"It's about wanting to create something as close to perfection as possible."
Mr Mallucci said the best breasts belong to the model Caprice Bourret - a view shared by many of his clients.
He added that said patients frequently begged him not to make their breasts the same shape as Victoria Beckham's "unnaturally round" globes.
Britain's most popular daytime TV talk show was condemned as a 'human form of bear-baiting' by a judge yesterday after a spurned husband was provoked into attacking his wife's lover in front a stunned studio audience.
Security guard David Staniforth, 45, shocked ITV1's The Jeremy Kyle Show when he headbutted bus driver Larry Mahoney, leaving him with blood pouring from his nose.
He had been invited on the show to describe how Mr Mahoney, 39, had an affair with his wife Jennifer, 42, after moving into their home as a lodger.
He claimed he lashed out only because he was furious at seeing Mr Mahoney. He also said he was riled by Kyle during filming at the Granada studios in Manchester.
The programme - watched by an estimated 1.5 million viewers - was broadcast earlier this year with the attack edited out. But Mr Mahoney complained to the police and Staniforth was arrested.
Yesterday he became the first person convicted of assault on a UK talk show, but was spared jail by district judge Alan Berg, who told Manchester Magistrates' Court: "The circumstances of this case are exceptional and the provocation involved seems to be paramount. I have had the misfortune of viewing the Jeremy Kyle Show and it seems to me that its whole purpose is to effect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people who are in some kind of turmoil.
"It is for no more and no less than titillating members of the public who have nothing better to do with their mornings than sit and watch this show, which is a human form of bear-baiting which goes under the guise of entertainment.
"The people responsible for this, namely the producers, should in my opinion be in the dock with you Mr Staniforth.
Eloquently put Mr Judge. Couldn't have put it better myself.
George Michael will go cruising for gay sex on Hampstead Heath in the last episode of Extras.
He meets up with TV star Andy Millman (Ricky Gervais) and gay friend Bunny on a park bench and asks: "Any action?
"Will you do me a favour and look out for the paparazzi?"
But Andy grasses him up to a snapper after hearing George has agreed to appear on Catherine Tate's Christmas Special.
At last, an authentic cruiser on telly showing us how it's really done. lol
I don't understand all this cruising malarky. The times I've been cruised I have just felt uncomfortable. I mean, if a strange-looking man just stares at me, am I supposed to think he's interested or is he just staring at the Ketchup on my face? I know it's hard, but subtlety is much nicer. Try what the late Princess Diana used to do: keep the head tilted downwards, but try to get eye contact. Once you get the eye contact, hold the look for a second and then look back down onto the floor, shyly. A stupid, fucking annoying grin also helps (lol). And then you should slowly get another peek of him by gliding your eyes across the floor towards him, starting from his feet and then up his body and then into his eyes. Of course, all of this is a complete waste of time if he isn't watching you do all this. But it's worth a try, innit? lol And if you can't be arsed with all that shite, then just grab his genitals. You'll soon know whether it is welcome. If it isn't, I'll see you in casualty! lol
Hey sluts. Sorry for the lack of posts these last few days-I stayed over at me bf's place right after college on Sunday so I didn't get a chance to go on the computer. We went to the zoo yesterday. That was quite fun. I loved the meerkats, chimps, squirrel monkeys, and baboons! I even got to feed an elephant. The tip of its trunk was very slimy!!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Jude- the beautiful man!!!
PHWOAR!!!!
He could do with a cucumber though (I could fit my Tesco shopping in his eye bags).
Australian students use make-up to look like the undead. They were taking part in a world record attempt for the "biggest zombie lurch" in Sydney.
The world's first back-to-front shoe by Marc Jacobs.
Sorry for this shitty post-it's a very slow day!
Who the fuck would wear these pointless shoes?!!! Dumb fashion victims!
Podiatrists, who already frown on stilettos (they'd hate me then-lol!), are far from impressed.
Lisa Surridge, a lecturer at the Smae Institute specialising in foot health, declared: "These shoes would impair the normal function of the foot."
They are absurd, torturous, dangerous and wearable only by women who never have to walk further than the nearest red carpet and have more money than sense.
So for any trannies out there thinking of wearing these crazy shoes, beware!Friday, September 21, 2007
Dozy bint!
A Hampshire pensioner nearly burned down her old folks' home after putting her slippers under the grill to warm them up.
Joan Hiscock, 84, forgot all about her slippers until they caught fire, reports The Sun.
The smoke triggered the fire alarms and nine firefighters raced to the scene.
They were forced to evacuate dozens of other old folk in the sheltered accommodation in Stockbridge before getting the blaze under control.
They found the toasted slippers on the grill pan.
Joan said: "I've never had an accident like this in my life. I put the slippers under the grill to dry them after I had washed them. But I forgot all about them.
Cool!
Architects have built an exhibition centre in the shape of a piano and a violin in China.
The giant musical instruments stand in a new section of Huainan city, Anhui province, reports People's Daily.
The main part of the building is shaped like a piano. On its side leans a transparent violin, which contains the entrance and staircase.
It is currently being used to display information about the new section of the city to help attract interest in the area.
Your child brings home a picture that she is so proud of.
Your 5 year old thinks she has drawn the perfect picture of a pair of scissors.
The problem? She wants it on the fridge.
An iguana which was smuggled into Blackpool Airport in a woman's bra has found a new home at the resort's zoo.
The green reptile was discovered when a police officer noticed something was wriggling under a woman's dress at the airport on Friday.
She was stopped and after a security guard found the iguana peeking cheekily out of her bra, she admitted it was hers. It's not like she could have said: "I don't know how that gone in there."
Police said the woman, who agreed her pet could go to a new home at Blackpool Zoo, would not be prosecuted. There are unconfirmed reports that the iguana is exhibiting symptoms indicative of being home sick. Poor iguana misses the woman's fleshy protrusions!!
Some hunky classical singers.
RIP piggy!
The Tamworth pig survived after falling off the truck, narrowly avoiding being hit by a motorist in Derbyshire. She was taken to the RSPCA where she was cared for but sadly she died this week after falling ill. Poor little furry piggy. Don't worry, she'll be able to rummage around in her own shit in piggy heaven.
JASMINE the piglet who was saved after falling off the back of a lorry minutes after being born on the way to market, has kicked the bucket!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Free sex
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking off, and So,being creative in Redneck territory he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back.
A large hand painted sign out by the dirt road that read -
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon the first local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free sex after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said -
"You were close .. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his chance for free sex after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said -
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time "
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, Bubba -
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied -
"No, it's for real, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Father Flaherty
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Fadder.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Fadder.’
The Father said, ‘Well, now, I’m goin’ to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye , Fadder.’ They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Fadder!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any been blessed wit wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Fadder! T’ree sets o’twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.’
Does Nigella's titty do anything for ya?
Television cook Nigella Lawson looked dangerously close to having a wardrobe malfunction, as her low-cut velvet gown struggled to adequately contain her Rubenesque figure.
Her booby looked in danger of spilling over the top of the corseted creation from her preferred designer, Vivienne Westwood, as she appeared on the red carpet at an event last night.
First pics from the Sex and the City film
Screw My Little Pony. Where's Samantha? She's the one I look up to.
A Croatian motorbiker's dick was zapped by lightning as he stopped beside the road to take a leak.
Ante Djindjic, 29, from Zagreb, said: "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in hospital.
"Doctors said the lightning went through my body and because I was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."
Djindjic, who suffered light burns to his chest and arms, added: "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally, eventually."
Staff at a German butcher's shop were surprised to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages, police said on Wednesday.
The sausage-dildos were intended for transport to Dubai.
'It was two latex dildos with a natural look,' said a spokesman for police, who possibly has a rewarding career in the dildo-describing industry ahead of him.
Women fingering themselves to frame security!!!
WOMEN shoplifters are touching themselves intimately before trying to flea a store so that they can frame security guards for sexual assault. One woman even squirted breast milk over a store detective and accused him of attacking her. Store security staff in Leicester were today warned about being alone with women who smear their DNA on anyone who suspect them of shoplifting. Shops in the city have been put on alert about bizarre new trend.
Sorry, I haven't got time to post anything until I get home this evening. It's bloody busy at work and it's doing my head in! I'm telling you, I don't get paid enough to work.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Must've been a good night!
This is Amy Winehouse, apparently.
To say the bitch looks rough is an understatement!
WORK Virus
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected...
World's most expensive bikini
Diamond bikini worth $30 million. 150 carats of D Flawless diamonds supplied by Steinmetz Diamonds, the two-piece, modeled by Molly Sims, is reportedly the most expensive item of diamond apparel ever made.
Designed by Susan Rosen, the bikini has a 51 carat pear shape diamond, a 30 carat emerald cut diamond, a pair of 15 carat rounds and a pair of 8 carat pear shape diamonds. The sparklers are set in rust resistant platinum. That's handy, especially 'cause they're exposed to those damp conditions down below....
A new tram system in Seattle has inspired cult T-shirts after locals claimed its initials originally spelt 'SLUT'.
Developers deny it was never going to be called the South Lake Union Trolleycar - but the damage has been done, reports the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
Officially, it's now called the South Lake Union Streetcar and developers Vulcan insist the SLUT rumours are an urban myth.
But hundreds of T-shirts, with the logo 'Ride the SLUT', are being made and are selling fast at local coffee shops.
Jerry Johnson, 29, said the T-shirts were done just for fun, but the first 100 sold out in days and now orders for the next 100 are underway.
"We're welcoming the SLUT into the neighbourhood," he said.
Foot fetishists might like this
A gigantic, life-like statue of a man swimming through the pavement on the bank of the River Thames was unveiled yesterday.
The fixture, near Tower Bridge, was commissioned by The Discovery Channel to advertise its newest reality show, London Ink, and will be unveiled by the show's star, Louis Molloy.
Boo hoo!
MADONNA has put back the release of her new album until the new year!! Didn't wanna compete with Kylie's release in November eh?
Filthy girl
A STUDENT gave her teacher oral sex while he was driving the school minibus, a court heard yesterday. The ex-pupil at Baines High in Poulton-le-Fyle, Lancs – 17 at the time – told Preston Crown Court she later messaged Andrew Riley saying: “How funny is it that some Year 12s will be sitting where we had sex.” Riley, 36, of Lancaster, denies charges including sexual activity with a child. The trial continues.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
When it comes to a man's body odour, the fragrance -- or stench -- is in the nose of the beholder, according to U.S. researchers who suggest a single gene may determine how people perceive body odour.
The study, published online on Sunday in the journal Nature, helps explain why the same sweaty man can smell like vanilla to some, like urine to others and for about a third of adults, have no smell at all.
Did you know that tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day?
Across the globe, ordinary people will spend Wednesday conversing in the manner of a pirate, in a glorious celebration of all things piratical.
Talk Like A Pirate Day started in 1995, when two friends from the American colonies, John Baur and Mark Summers, decided that talking like a pirate was excellent and that it deserved its own day.
Startin' Rules
- Double up on all your adjectives and you'll be bountifully bombastic with your phrasing. Pirates never speak of "a big ship", they call it a "great, grand ship!" They never say never, they say "No nay ne'er!"
- Drop all your "g"'s when you speak and you'll get words like "rowin'", "sailin'" and "fightin'". Dropping all of your "v"'s will get you words like "ne'er", "e'er" and "o'er".
- Instead of saying "I am", sailors say, "I be". Instead of saying "You are", sailors say, "You be". Instead of saying, "They are", sailors say, "They be". Ne'er speak in anythin' but the present tense!
- Ahoy: Hey!
- Avast: Stop!
- Aye: Yes
- Black spot: to be 'placin' the black spot' be markin' someone for death.
- Booty: treasure
- Buccanneer: a pirate who be answerin' to no man or blasted government.
- By the Powers!: an exclamation, uttered by Long John Silver in Treasure Island!
- Cat o' nine tails: whip for floggin' mutineers
- Corsair: a pirate who be makin' his berth in the Med-...Medi-...that sea 'tween Spain and Africa, aye!
- Davy Jones' Locker: the bottom o' the sea, where the souls of dead men lie
- Doubloons: pieces of gold...
- Fiddlers Green: the private heaven where pirates be goin' when they die.
- Furner: a ship which be yer own, not one ye steal an' plunder.
- Gentlemen o' fortune: a slightly more positive term fer pirates!
- Go on the account: to embark on a piratical cruise
- Grog: A pirate's favorite drink.
- Jack: a flag or a sailor
- Jolly Roger: the skull and crossbones, the pirate flag!
- Keelhaul: a truly vicious punishment where a scurvy dog be tied to a rope and dragged along the barnacle-encrusted bottom of a ship. They not be survivin' this.
- Landlubber: "Land-lover," someone not used to life onboard a ship.
- Lass: A woman.
- Lily-livered: faint o' heart
- Loaded to the Gunwales (pron. gunnels): drunk
- Matey: A shipmate or a friend.
- Me hearty: a friend or shipmate.
- Me: My.
- Pieces o' eight: pieces o' silver which can be cut into eights to be givin' small change.
- Privateer: a pirate officially sanctioned by a national power
- Scallywag: A bad person. A scoundrel.
- Scurvy dog!: a fine insult!
- Shiver me timbers!: an exclamation of surprise, to be shouted most loud.
- Son of a Biscuit Eater: a derogatory term indicating a bastard son of a sailor
- Sprogs: raw, untrained recruits
- Squadron: a group of ten or less warships
- Squiffy: a buffoon
- Swaggy: a scurvy cur's ship what ye be intendin' to loot!
- Swashbucklin': fightin' and carousin' on the high seas!
- Sweet trade: the career of piracy
- Thar: The opposite of "here."
- Walk the plank: this one be bloody obvious.
- Wench: a lady, although ye gents not be wantin' to use this around a lady who be stronger than ye.
- Wi' a wannion: wi' a curse, or wi' a vengeance. Boldly, loudly!
- Yo-ho-ho: Pirate laughter
Madonna has been given the all-clear to formally adopt African tot David by the head of Malawi's Social Services.
The singer, 49, and husband Guy Ritchie played perfect parents to impress Malawi's chief social welfare officer Simon Chisale, who spent three days as a guest at their 16-bedroom London home.
Afterwards he said he was won over by their domestic bliss - especially when Madonna appeared from the kitchen wearing an apron fresh from baking cakes "looking like a perfect mum". As if Madge knows how to work an oven!
Mr Chisale visited over a 72-hour period with Madonna, Guy, 38, and the rest.
He saw Madonna's music studio and Guy's study and also a special African "zoo room" which she has built to educate her children about David's continent.
He described the luxury carpets in their home as "like walking on live sheep". LOL! I wanna try walking on live sheep! Baaaaaa!
Mr Chisale was clearly won over by luxury he'll never experience. Send David back home! The flies who previously buzzed around his ass are missing him!
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.
"Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?" The two continue to stare.
"parli italiano?" No response.
"¿los di usted habla español?" Still nothing.
So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."
Michael Douglas is into watersports
MICHAEL DOUGLAS was terrified when a jellyfish stung him, but used Basic Instinct to remember an old diving trick - and asked his seven-year-old son to piss on him. The actor, who has two children with CATHERINE ZETA JONES, was left in agony after being stung on the back while scuba diving off the coast of Spain. He told US chat show king Jay Leno: "My son was there. I said: 'Dylan, please pee-pee on daddy's back.' Some day his son will be talking to a psychiatrist about this pee-pee incident.
A lonely baboon in a private Lithuanian zoo has adopted a chicken he saved from certain death last month and the two have formed a fast friendship, the zoo's director said on Friday.
The chicken was intended as food for other animals in the zoo, but escaped and was sheltered by Mitis, a six-year-old Hamadryas Baboon, Edvardas Legeckas, who runs the zoo near the port city Klaipeda in western Lithuania, told Reuters.
Mitis has been fed chicken meat before, but this time he fell in love with his food, Legeckas said.
"He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said.
"But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may finally realise this is food."
I'll let you know when the baboon munches the chicken!TROOPS wounded in Afghanistan are being flown home in sheets and towels because bosses have scrapped free pyjamas, it emerged yesterday. They have nothing to wear in hospital and so are making the long flight back in “an assortment of unsuitable gear”, sources revealed. Some British soldiers are even taken to board RAF planes in gowns borrowed from the Canadian army but then have to hand them back. Last night campaigners branded the “Yes, we have no pyjamas” scandal “appalling and humiliating”. MMmmm I think I'm going to have to start visiting some hospitals to check out the soldiers wearing just their towels. Woof!
Yes Sir!
A SIXTH-form head told a pupil he was having sex with, not to scream “Yes, Sir!” during their cocaine-fulled romps, a court heard yesterday. Andrew Riley told the girl the remark would put him off his stride, the jury was told. Preston Crown Court also heard the married dad-of-two plied the A-level student with cocaine before they first had sex in June 2005. Dennis Watson, prosecuting, said the teacher revealed his plans for their first night together in Manchester in intimate chatroom messages. In one he tells her: “Sex and coke is mind-blowing.” He adds: “You have to promise, in the height of passion you don’t scream, ‘Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir!’ because it will put me right off what I am doing.”
For you iPhone enthusiasts
The 8GB device will hit stores on November 9, priced at £269. It will run on the O2 mobile phone network, Apple chief executive Steve Jobs told a press conference at the firm's flagship UK store in London's Regent Street. After the £269 upfront cost, customers will sign an 18-month contract with O2 on a tariff of either £35, £45 or £55 per month. Be patient and wait a little while. Prices will eventually plummet!
APPLE announced the UK launch details of its long-awaited iPhone today.
The 12ft scaly monster attacked Bill Hedden as he swam, ripping off his left arm at the shoulder. Horrified picnickers told how Bill, 59, staggered from the US lake, clutching his bloodied socket and gasping, “Call my wife” through his facemask.
AN alligator grins from a lake full of lily pads — with a snorkeller’s severed arm clenched between its jaws.
Monday, September 17, 2007
And you thought the bus was bad
A bridge is to be built in a Chinese village where children are forced to cross a raging torrent on a steel cable to get to school.
Nearly 500 children, from Maji village in Fugong town, Yunnan province, cross the most dangerous stretch of the Nujiang River each day.
They fasten themselves to the cable with a metal carabiner and a rope and slide across the 200 metre wide canyon, reports the Beijing News.
The youngest student, A Qia, 4, has to go over by herself each day.
"I have to hand walk for about 60 metres, since my light weight makes me stop about two thirds of the way across," she said.
A Pu, five, who was stuck in the middle of the cable for nearly 20 minutes once, said: "I used to dream of having a bridge, but then I learned that my dream was too expensive."
But officials finally agreed to spend £35,000 on a bridge after a TV programme was made about the children's dangerous daily journey.
Lurid slogans
1) Put your dog in the pound and make him yelp like a hound
2) Cage that snake then shake and bake
3) Cover your peter it will be much neater
4) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
5) It's always funky to cage your monkey
6) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
7) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
8) It's not much money to catch your honey
9) Don't be a fool cover your tool
10) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
11) Can your worm before you squirm
12) Bag the mole then do his hole
13) Cuff your carrot before you share it
14) Jail your number then call the plumber
15) Cover your vein then drive him insane
16) Wrap that pickle then slip him a tickle
17) Conceal your train don't cause him pain
18) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
19) Cork your pump or you don't hump
20) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
The Minneapolis airport toilet where US Sen Larry Craig was arrested for cruising other fags is now attracting tourists, say airport staff.
"People are taking pictures," Karen Evans, an information officer at Minneapolis-St Paul international airport, told Associated Press.
Sen Craig, a Republican from Idaho, pleaded guilty in August to disorderly conduct over the toilet incident.
He now says the plea was a mistake and is trying to have it withdrawn.
Sen Craig was arrested on 11 June by an undercover airport police officer.
Now it seems that tourists passing through the airport cannot resist the temptation to have a look at the grisly scene.
"We had to just stop and check out the bathroom," said Sally Westby of Minneapolis, on her way to Guatemala with her husband Jon.
What are these tourists hoping to see? A great big white gloop on the floor?
Apples and Wine
> > Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
> > tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take
the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at
the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men.......men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know and the fermenting
wines in your life.
Poor little gerbils
The Russian space agency has blasted 10 gerbils into space for a 12-day mission to test the possible effects on humans of a flight to Mars.
The small mammals, similar to mice and rats, are being kept in special cages with a supply of nuts and cereals.
Day and night will be simulated and special machines will clean their little raisins (shit pellets) in the weightless conditions.
The gerbils may find space preferable to returning to Earth - several are to be dissected upon their return.
The fur-balls lifted off from the Russian-run Baikonur space centre in Kazakhstan on Friday in a Soyuz rocket.
A gerbil, without a spacesuit.
Having a feminine-sounding voice might prevent you from accessing your bank details – well, if you are a man.
That is what Graham O'Brien – a lecturer with a high-pitched voice – found when he was denied access to his details over the phone because staff at Halifax bank thought he was a woman.
He had his telebanking facility blocked five times and is considering legal action for alleged sex discrimination, upset and inconvenience.
It's all about burping
A man arrested for allegedly driving drunk is fighting to get his license back, saying his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time. Frederick Cronin is appealing a decision by the state Division of Motor Vehicles to suspend his license after his June 15 arrest by state police. According to court papers, Cronin was brought to the Stratham Police Department for booking after he was arrested. Stratham Police Officer Christopher Call was asked to give Cronin a breath test. But before the test could be administered, Call was required to observe Cronin for 20 minutes. During the 20-minute period, Cronin told Call that he had burped. Under administrative rules, police are required to restart the 20-minute observation period if a person "vomits, regurgitates or belches" during that time. After learning of the burp, Call restarted the observation period, the appeal said. Following the observation, Cronin was given a breath test, which allegedly showed he had a blood alcohol level of 0.12 percent. The level a driver is considered drunk is .08 percent. Before a required second sample was taken, Cronin told Call that he had burped again. Call then heard Cronin burp, but described it as a "dry burp," the appeal said. Unsure of what to do because of the burp that occurred before the second sample, Call discussed the problem with Stratham Sgt. David Pierce, who told Call to have Cronin blow into the breath machine a second time and accept the results if they were close to those from the first sample. The appeal said Call ordered Cronin to blow into the breath tester again, but the 20-minute observation period wasn't restarted. The results of that second test put Cronin's alleged blood alcohol level at 0.13 percent, court papers said. At a hearing before the state Department of Motor Vehicles, Cronin argued that the rules regarding the administration of a breath test after a driver burps were not followed. But the hearings examiner ruled that a "dry burp" did not constitute a "belch," and therefore the 20-minute observation period did not need to be restarted again. The examiner also found that the "gaseous mix that flowed out of (Cronin's) mouth had not emanated from (his) stomach and contained nothing but air," the appeal said. However, Cronins appeal said the examiner never explained how he found this "distillation process" had occurred.
Hey sluts. Sorry, I can't post anything today (or at least until this evening). I feel like shit! I woke up this morning feeling hot, nauseous and weak. I got to the bus stop but then decided to take the Tube back home. I couldn't take the risk of vomiting on the bus again, like last time.
I'm going to bed. Laters xxxx
Saturday, September 15, 2007
A private security guard working at the federal courthouse in
Spokane, Wash., got a lot of use out of the complex's roof-top security
cameras, prosecutors allege.
Rather than strictly keeping an eye on
security risks, Darin Earl Wanless, 32, zoomed in on a condominium
building and a hotel to watch women undress through their windows.
Wanless was turned in by a fellow guard after zooming in on a woman and
exclaiming, "We've got boobies!", federal prosecutors allege.
The high-
powered cameras are automatically recorded, and at least 22 recordings
of women have been found, prosecutors say. Wanless is charged with
multiple counts of felony voyeurism and faces prison if convicted. He
has pleaded not guilty. (Spokane Spokesman Review)
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy: "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies: "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says: "Sure had a big dick."
Piggy Marsh says that she and hubby Matt Peacock love to experiment in bed.
The slut - who married Jordan's ex early this month - seems to enjoy revealing every dirty detail about her private life.
'We're like wild animals,' Jodie tells the Daily Mirror, 'I feel sorry for anyone who stays in a room next to us because we're so noisy.'
The 28-year-old is getting more and more adventurous between the sheets.
'Right now we're experimenting with violence and asphyxiation,' she admits.
I'd like to experiment with some asphyxiation with her too, as long as I'm the one doing the strangling.
Ewww how durrrrrty are these two people?
As Vicki and Clive Hames settled down for the night, they couldn't fail to notice the strange buzzing in the bedroom - but chose not to investigate.
On reflection, it's probably a good job that they didn't.
Unbeknown to the couple, a swarm of wasps had built a nest beneath the pillows of their bed.
And, remarkably, they both slept the entire night without realising.
It was not until the morning, when 57-year- old Mrs Hames pulled back her pillow to reveal the angry swarm that she was stung once on the back.
Bleurgh, he's whoring himself again.
I have to say, this guy does nothing for me. He has no tits! They look like an 8-year-old boy's. Not that I ever look at 8-year-old boys' tits. You do know 
that don't you? lol
I prefer this.
Friday, September 14, 2007
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
>>
>> Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
>>
>>until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
>>
>>could arrange a divorce for him.
>>
>>The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>>Have you any grounds?
>>Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
>>No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
>>It made of concrete.
>>I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real
grudge?
>>No, we have carport, and not need one.
>>I mean. What are your relations like?
>>All my relations still in Poland.
>>Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
>>We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
>>Does your wife beat you up?
>>No, I always up before her.
>>Is your wife a nagger?
>>No, she white.
>>Why do you want this divorce?
>>She is going to kill me!
>>What makes you think that?
>>I got proof.
>>What kind of proof?
>>She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom.
>>I can read and It say 'Polish Remover.'
Need an alibi?
A French company has launched a service providing alibis for married people who 'need a little freedom'.
Alibila, which promotes itself as 'your alibi generator', will make telephone calls, devise invitations and even create restaurant or hotel bills to corroborate any story.
Prices for the service start at £12 for a simple phone call and rise to £34 for a 'class 2 alibi', which includes all the documentation, phone calls and back up needed to safely indulge in a 'passing adventure'.
The company is France's first agency for adulterers who don't want their flings to be discovered. It provides alibis for a range of other situations, but admits its clients are mostly men.
One of Alibila's first clients was a man who needed an alibi to join his mistress on a tropical island. The company provided a fake wedding invitation from a distant cousin.
The agency will arrange fake events for its clients but stops short of forging documents, director Regine Mourizard told Le Parisien.
"We provide for our clients only those elements necessary to help them organise their private lies", he said.
PRICELESS
Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years, finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctor's office and the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years".
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked about some new underwear? "
He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - £400
New shirt - £30
New underwear - £5
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling
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> began?
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> Many years ago a man was traveling through the
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> mountains of Switzerland.
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> Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had
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> nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked
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> the farmer if he could spend the night. !
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> The farmer told him that he could sleep in the
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> barn.
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> As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her
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> father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
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> "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer.
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> "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him
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> he could sleep in the barn."
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> The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she
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> prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it
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> out to the barn.
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> About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her
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> clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up
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> to bed she went.
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> The farmer's wife was very observant. She then
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> suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she
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> fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and
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> she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
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> askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also
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> headed straight to bed.
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> The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got
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> up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer
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> as he left.
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> When the daughter awoke and learned that the
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> visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he
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> leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We
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> made such passionate love last night!"
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> "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of
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> the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway
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> up the mountain.
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> The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get
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> you! You had sex with my daughter!"
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> The man looked back down from the mountainside,
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> cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
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> LAIDTHEOLADEETOO
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killed any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
*groan*
Police in Massachusetts are hunting a mysterious naked man, who was seen by several witnesses wandering around town wearing nothing but a gas mask.
The nakedness was first observed by a witness at about 9.40pm last Thursday, when a motorist spotted the naked gas mask guy lurking in the entrance of a building in Newton, Massachusetts.
When the witness pulled up in their truck, the man fled, naked, down an alley.
The gas mask-wearer is described as approximately 30 years old, 6 foot tall, around 14 stone, and naked.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Hi guys. Just a quick post before I get my ass to bed. I went for an HIV test this afternoon. I was encouraged (well, coerced) into going by my boyfriend. Anyway, it turns out I'm not a walking disease, so I'll be able to live a long and fruitful life. I'd urge you dutty fags to go too- there's plenty of totty there! (Oh God, now I'm encouraging you poofs to cruise an STI clinic). One prick and 15 minutes later, you have your results! Eww there was one fag that sickened me. The sartorially-challenged poof looked like something out of Little Britain. He wore trousers that looked as though they should be worn by clowns (they were colourful to say the least) and he wore a big fat gold bike chain around his neck. He was a white B.A. Baracus! Anyway, he was only around 18 years' old so I shouldn't be too harsh. He'll look back and cringe when he's old and past it (in the gay world, that is over 25 years' old).
Right I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams! xxxxx
Ben Affleck's film has been pulled because of its similarities to the Madeleine McCann case.
Gone Baby Gone, the directorial debut of Affleck, is set to be shelved by Disney over his fears of offending the family of the missing toddler.
The film is about a girl aged four who is snatched from her bed after being left alone by her parents.
Uncanny! Did the character also have a leaky pupil and that horrible germ-infested Cuddle Cat toy?
How is that a cat? To me it looks like a pink hippo!
It's bad enough when your home stinks of a 4-year-old.
Women are sluts once a month, apparently
It is a favourite excuse of the errant husband or boyfriend - men just aren't built to be faithful.
They are not the only ones.
Apparently, it is only natural for women to have a roving eye as well - at certain times of the month.
Biologists say that women, just like other female animals, are friskiest when they are most fertile.
However, while cats and dogs are certainly less than choosy, women have distinct preferences in the mating game.
They tend to hone in on ruggedly handsome men in the unconscious belief they will provide them with the healthiest children.
Aptly named biologist Randy Thornhill told an Association for the Study of Animal Behaviour conference in Newcastle it was wrong to think that women were exempt from "oestrus" - the hormone-driven surge in libido characterised by animals going "on heat".
"Women don't miaow and they don't scratch at the door - but they do have oestrus," said the University of New Mexico professor.
This is toooo cute!
The 12-week-old macaque was rescued on Neilingding Island, in Goangdong Province, China, after being abandoned by his mother.
Taken to an animal hospital, he was weaned back to physical health but still showed little appetite for life.
It was not until a fellow patient, a white pigeon, took him under her wing and showed him love and affection (and probably a little bit of sex) that he perked up.
Now the two are inseparable, say staff.
FOUR NHS staff have been sacked after viewing granny porn on hospital computers. It is believed the group were among nine staff from an elderly patient ward suspended this summer over the filth. A source at Newcastle’s Freeman Hospital said the probe centred on a foreign website image of a woman aged 90 — described as “revolting, abusive and beyond pornography”. If I wasn't at work right now I'd be searching for this porn and showing you all the delights of an older woman. lol
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Fancy having a butler for a few hours?
I was just browsing through Faggydar and came across this profile. Interested?
London based Butler offering the following services:
expert hands on service for dinner parties, receptions, parties and corporate events
spend the evening with your guests rather than waiting on them, I will ensure that your dinner parties run smoothly
guests are greeted at the door, drinks served troughout the dinner and tables cleared to provide you with a relaxing, effortless evening
impress your friends or business clients with your own Butler/Bar Man at parties and events
during my career I have had the pleasure of serving celebrities and the international rich and famous- let me treat you like a VIP too
more infos at www.butlerforyou.com
Rates: £40 per hour (minimum booking is three hours) and thereafter £30 per hour
please enquire for daily rates and other services
Mobile: 077 58288316
www.butlerforyou.com
Yay Emu is back!!!!
The latest incarnation of wayward puppet Emu is set to arrive on British television screens next month.
Toby Hull, son of Emu's late creator, Rod, will introduce a new-look version of the popular children's character to a new generation of viewers on CITV.
The 26-part live action comedy series, called Emu, is aimed at 6-11 year-olds (and a few 30-year-olds.)
Dear Manager (HR),
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
Dear Manager (HR),
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines 1,3,5,7,9,11,13 for my true assessment of him. Signed - Project Leader
I hereby declare this day to be known as....Shagging Day
The governor of Ulyanovsk region in Russia is offering prizes to couples who have babies in exactly nine months - on Russia's national day on 12 June.
Sergei Morozov wants couples to take the day off work to have sex. If a baby is born on national day, they will receive cars, TVs or other prizes.
Mr Morozov has declared Wednesday "family contact day" as part of efforts to fight Russia's demographic crisis.
The population has sharply declined since the Soviet Union collapsed.
Ground rules:
1) No doing it up the ass;
2) no sucky sucky;
3) and no other sexually deviant behaviour such as pee pee, poo poo, snot, vomit and the like.
Just in, out, in, out, in and gush. Got it?
Dear friends & family
Don't you think it's time we all became more physically active.
Beginning next week, I (and a few friends) will be riding 5 miles every day.
If any of you would like to join our Bike Club please let me know and we can make arrangements.
I think it would be appropriate to ride somewhere between
4:00 and 7:00pm.
We can call it happy hour, if it will make you say yes.
I have enclosed a photo for your consideration
Parents pimping their kids!
This is nuts!
"Marry Our Daughter is an introduction service assisting those following the Biblical tradition of arranging marriages for their daughters."
Kyra A.
Age: 14 ½,
Location: Southeast
Bride Price:
$27,995
Kyra likes the outdoors, more the open air of the beach or the desert than the woods. She would love to live somewhere away from it all. She is bright and funny and horny and full of life and while she has little direct experience with the opposite sex we have made sure she is aware of everything (including rimming) that she needs to know to be a good wife and mother. Hell, we even bought her a dildo for her last birthday.
Woman's tit burst by bee sting!
A Taiwanese woman's breast implant was reportedly burst by a bee sting.
The 31-year-old woman, from Miaoli town, was wearing a low-cut dress while riding her motorcycle when her right boob was stung by a bee.
"My right breast disappeared in only two days," said the woman, who received the implant three years ago, according to Southern China City News.
Surgeon Zeng Dingchang says the saline implant is supposed to resist pressure of up to 200 kg, and said it was "very strange" for one to deflate because of a bee sting.
"She is very skinny, and the implant made the skin of her breast even thinner, and therefore easy to penetrate," he said.
The surgeon has now performed a replacement implanted operation - but warns that acupuncture or yoga could cause it to burst again.
RUGBY WORLD CUP
DEAR WOMEN
List of Rules (Read and print them)
1. From 7 Sept to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports section
of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding
the RugbyWorld Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the
conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a
bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not
receiving any attention.
2. During the RugbyWorld Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD
are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a
glimpse at the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without
distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make
sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I
won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the
RugbyWorld Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or
pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't
happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the
day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about rugby than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if
the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game, hence do not use the RugbyWorld Cup as a nice cheesy
excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the tries are very important I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times,
and record them.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily RWC highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of
this list".
12.And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank goodness
the RugbyWorld Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words
because after this comes the 2011 RWC etc.
13. Do not complain that my new beard is "scratchy" or makes me "look
like a caveman". Showing my support for the Springboks by growing a
beard is more important to me than our relationship. If you don't love
your country as much as me, then that makes me sad, and you should
leave. Quietly and during the ads if possible.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of theWorld Cup
It's all about the kissing!
Metro:
A kiss is just a kiss. Or is it? According to psychologist Gordon Gallup, from the State University of New York, a first kiss could change your life forever. It's not just a simple touching of lips; a kiss is an exchange of information.
And, with the right technique, a good kiss could lead to sex, love and eventually marriage and children. Apparently the taste and smell of a mate can indicate fertility, hormone levels and any health problems. 'Kissing has evolved as a courtship strategy that functions as a mate-assessment technique,' says Gallup.
His study of more than 1,000 students also discovered something most of us probably knew already: women use kissing as a means to assess a relationship (the kiss tells her about his commitment and interest) while men pucker up to increase the chances of sex.
It started with a kiss
William Cane is author of The Art Of Kissing, a practical guide. A university lecturer in English, he has also spent the past 15 years studying how to kiss, simply because he's interested in it.
'Yes, women like kissing because it's romantic and, yes, men hope it will be a prelude to other things,' he says, 'but both genders like a little romance.'
It's a non-verbal way of talking to your partner. So much can be said when you're that close to someone.
So what can a kiss tell you? 'You can see how much your mate likes you through certain, subtle movements,' explains Cane.
'See if they're being playful and appear to have fun. Note whether their attention is completely on you and if they use the space to be close to you.'
If you're in an established relationship you should also kiss as often as possible, although the study found this was something men placed less importance on.
'It's very crucial in a relationship,' says Cane. 'It's a non-verbal way of talking to your partner. So much can be said when you're that close to someone.'
Mary Clegg, workshop programme organiser for the Amora Sex Academy, says a lack of kissing means a lack of intimacy and sex.
'But the most important kiss is the one saying goodbye. I always kiss my husband goodbye because I may never see him again.'
So kissing regularly is necessary but kissing properly is just as important. Gallup's study found that if a first kiss with a new partner is bad, you wouldn't bother kissing ¨C or seeing ¨C them again.
'You can't really tell a person that they're a bad kisser,' says Clegg. 'It's easier to ditch them and get somebody a little more appealing.'
Left with an injury
Nonetheless, most of us have had more bad kisses than good ones. Catherine, 27, from South-West London, was left with an injury after one embrace. 'He actually pushed his tongue so hard he cut a bit of flesh under my tongue and it didn't heal for a week.'
And David, 29, from West London, almost hospitalised one girl: 'I kissed her 30 minutes after eating a peanut butter sandwich.
I didn't know she had an allergy until she had a fit and needed an adrenalin injection. I could have killed her.'
Other no-nos are dribbling, whirring the tongue at speed like a Catherine wheel, or the opposite: not moving it at all.
In Cane's book, he lists 30 types of kissing. The least favourite is the 'statue kiss'. 'We call it that because the person stays rigid and keeps their lip in the same position, repeating the same movements,' he says.
Cane's research says the most popular kiss is the French kiss ¨C no surprises there. But to French kiss correctly takes some work.
According to Cane, you should flicker the tip of your tongue on theirs, rotate the tongue in a circular motion, chase your tongue back and forth and, finally, bite and suck your mate's tongue.
Even if you get all of the above right, there's one last thing to consider: the eyes. Should they be open or closed? After all, there's nothing more off-putting than glancing up from a passionate embrace to see two big white pools glaring at you.
'Two-thirds of people like to keep their eyes closed so they can feel the kiss more,' says Cane. 'Psychologists say those who keep their eyes open enjoy being out of focus. They're basically replicating what they saw as an infant when they looked at their mother.' Now, that is too much information¡
KISSING TYPES
There's a whole world out there you didn't know existed.
Lip-o-suction: The man kisses her upper lip while she kisses his lower lip, then they reverse.
The vacuum kiss: Gently suck the air out of your partner's mouth.
The biting kiss: A little love nip to your honey's lips, ear lobe or neck.
The teasing kiss: Set up a pattern and then pull back just as your partner expects another kiss. When they laugh, give them the consolation kiss.
www.kissing.com
The brothers are so close they have both their names on their seven kids’ birth certificates. They live together and sleep together. And Ram said: “It was only natural we’d fall in love with the same woman.” The brothers look so happy....well of course they would be! They get to poke her at both ends-at the same time!
IDENTICAL twins Ram and Shyam Singh smile with doting partner Madhubala — who is married to BOTH of them.
Dave Morrison shows off his crocked fingers — the result of half a century playing as a wicket keeper.
Dave, 64, has broken every digit over the years but was too scared of hospitals to get them treated.
Instead he left them to heal themselves with only bags of frozen peas to numb the pain — meaning each one is now crooked.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Harrods hired a live Egyptian cobra snake to guard a pair of £60,000 jewel-encrusted designer sandals.
The highly aggressive and deadly snake, called Cedric, was hired to guard a pair of Rene Caovilla sandals encrusted with rubies, sapphires and diamonds.
Security experts were divided on how effective the cobra would be as a deterrent to thieves - but it made an ideal photo opportunity for the flagship store in London's Knightsbridge.
Terrible joke
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car!"
Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Britney Spears' beef curtains, yesterday.
It's so purdy. It should be pickled and admired from a distance.
Pissed off with your school teacher? Just zap the bitch!
A teenager who electrocuted a teacher with a stun gun of almost 1 million volts has been jailed.
Marvin Airey, 19, temporarily paralysed maths teacher Peter Kelly when he zapped him outside the school gates.
He sentenced him to six years in a young offenders' institution.
Airey bought the device, called a Black Viper Defender, on the internet.
The device is manufactured by Viper Defender, which says it is "the most powerful self-defence stun device of its kind".
*******Disclaimer***** DO NOT ZAP YOUR POOR TEACHER! I WAS ONLY JOKING!
Madge set to fuck Guy up da butt!
Wearing a knowing smirk, Madonna was spotted leaving London's Claridge's Hotel toting a see-through plastic bag which revealed her latest purchase - a strap-on!!!!!
Do you know what it feels like for a girl? Guy soon will! I can almost see the fear in his eyes.
The "Purple Penetrator" costs only £30 from the Ann Summers website. Well if it's good enough for Madge, it's definitely good enough for me!
Description:
| PURPLE PENETRATOR |
Strap it on and slip it in!! 6" dildo with adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes. Comes with perfectly positioned vibrating bullett to give the wearer clitoral stimulation whilst pleasuring her mate! Fitted with multispeed battery box, just adjust the vibration to suit, and then clip to the waistband for total hands free pleasure. |
Oooh. My clit is quivering already!
First look at those filthy French rugby players.
Yet another cruising opportunity
Get your ass to London Zoo on Sunday 'cause the theme is GAY, GAY, GAY!
Yes, while peering at the monkeys doing it behind bars, you too can shag like monkeys behind some bushes without judgement. I'm there already!
A mugger in America was arrested after ignoring rule number 1 of mugging: after robbing your victim, don't stop to lick their toes before making a quick getaway.
Commander Kevin Casper called the incident, in St. Paul, Minnesota, 'weird sexual behavior.'
The incident occurred when a 24-year-old woman was leaving work around 1a.m. on Saturday. The suspect, a 27-year-old man, approached her and demanded her keys and phone, according to authorities.
After that, instead of running away like you're supposed to, he took time out to remove her shoes and licked her toes.
The woman was not hurt, police said.
Mmmm suckable toes! lol
Survey results
Few men could handle slipping between the sheets with a woman who has the "perfect" body, a poll found today.
A survey of 1,000 women and men for More magazine found that 88% believed the pressure would be "too much".
A man's ideal female body shape is a small waist and big ass (56%). Only 6% of men said skinny women were the most desirable, with only 3% (that's 3% too many!) wanting to see Victoria Beckham in the buff.
More than a third of men (35%) said a rounded tummy was desirable.
One in 10 (11%) men described love handles as a turn-off, 16% were put off by a flat chest or stretch marks, 68% cited hairy armpits and 62% said hairy nipples. Bleurgh!
Men are also turned off by hairy moles (87%) and piercings "where they shouldn't be" (91%). Only 14% of men said they found a tattoo a turn-on.
When it came to the sexiest bit of a woman's body, men rated boobies top (44%), followed by ass (30%), waist (8%), smooth legs (7%), back (6%) and soft skin all over (5%).
Just over one in 10 (12%) preferred women "with a great body who's dedicated to diet and exercise" while 88% would opt for a "woman with wobbly bits who's up for a good time".
Lisa Smosarski, editor of More magazine, said: "The truth is, men are happy with us the way we are - it's women who point out our flaws. It's time we did ourselves a favour and relaxed a bit."
When do we get the results for the gay survey? I think it's time people knew that unless you have a slim, toned body, preferably with a six-pack, then your chances of finding someone who doesn't look like Jabba-The-Hut with a hangover are very slim!
Indie fans won’t have long to wait. The film is currently in production and is set to be released worldwide on May 22 2008.The title of the next Indiana Jones flick has been revealed. No, it isn't Indiana Jones and the Mystical Colostomy Bag. Harrison Ford will once again take up the title role in the star-studded Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone and John Hurt will also feature – but it was actor Shia LaBeouf, also in the film, who let slip the name during last night’s MTV Video Music Awards.
WOMEN’S boobies are not getting the support they need, a study showed yesterday. Dr Joanna Scurr researched 70 women with sizes ranging from A to double J at Portsmouth University. The study revealed up to 60 per cent of women would avoid breast pain while exercising if a new kind of bra was designed. Ahh so that's why my tits ache after running for the bus. Time to get me a sports bra!
Michael Barrymore will NOT face any charges over the death of a man in his swimming pool six years ago. The news that Barrymore, 55, would not be prosecuted over Stuart Lubbock’s death came shortly after he answered bail at an Essex police station yesterday. The Crown Prosecution Service said it had advised police no one should be charged over 31-year-old Stuart because of “insufficient evidence”. Insufficient evidence? Barrymore had his arm up the deceased's ass! Fistymore is one lucky bitch! I hope he fucks off back to New Zealand.
More than £1million has been donated to Madeleine’s Fund: Leaving No Stone Unturned. A McCann family friend said: “The fund is looking into whether it can legally pay for the legal advice for Kate and Gerry.” Don't you DARE spend that money on your legal costs! That fund is to pay for costs associated in finding Maddy; not paying for top-notch legal advice for people who are now formal suspects!
THE McCanns are looking at whether the fund set up to help find Maddie can pay their mounting legal bills, it has been claimed.
Monday, September 10, 2007
A pregnant woman went to the gynaecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded,
"Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madam, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
Inflatable Doll
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
Chinese eye test
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works .....
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Thought for the day:
What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
They are replacing Pavarotti in the three tenors with Elton John. They are
going to be called two tenors and a nine bob note.
___
THEY HAVE JUST BOUGHT THE HEARSE FOR PAVAROTTI'S FUNERAL
IT'S A NISSAN DORMA
___
I don't know if you heard, but his wife had a lot of trouble arranging the funeral. Every time she rang a funeral directors and asked, "Can you arrange a funeral for a tenor?" They kept putting the phone down on her.
___
I can sympathise with the Italians after the death of Pavorotti
I know what it's like to lose a tenner...
__
A worker calls the boss one morning and tells him that
"I'm staying home because I'm not feeling well."
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today "
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas:
When I was born, I was black,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You "white" folks....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GREY .
So who y'all callin'
C O L O R E D folks?
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touche d it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both live d happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
Maltesers of course
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
>some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes
and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the
billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
>"No, what?"
>"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bum. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
>The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
>monkey ate and leaves.
>Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
>While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
>"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
>"No, what?" replied the man.
>"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
Four Worms and a lesson
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congre gation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
I have a favour to ask...
Would you mind ... I'll be gone 10 days, and I need a favour.
I am going away on vacation and I need a friend to come over to water my plants while I am gone.
In the hot weather they'll probably need water twice a day.
Thanks a lot. I'll send you a postcard.
I've attached a photo for your reference.
By the way:
THE LADDER IS IN THE GARAGE, and the gate is unlocked...
The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.' 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?''
“I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got fucked twice.' 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.””
Politics...with cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away...
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a
consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
execute the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and
invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a democracy....
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
A SCOTTISH CORPORATION: You put a fur coat on one and claim a new breed, you
shove a scaffolding tube up the behind of the other one blow hard and try to
make music, well sort of...
AN ENGLISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy
a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only
the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost
of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and
safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to
support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The
stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just
happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow
to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new
stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the
cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must
take to get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the
supermarket chain that pays you fuck all for it, and then they sell it to
their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a
press statement about how wonderful they are to support British cows. The
rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that
it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of
identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't
know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a
Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and
then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny
and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have
a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your
health improves and you live to be a hundred.
Abdul and Paddy were begging outside Paddington station.
Abdul has a Mercedes Benz, A large house in Highgate and
loads of cash to spend and Paddy has absolutely nothing but the rags he was wearing.
Abdul's begging hat was overflowing with £10 notes and Paddy`s had
only a few pennies in it.
"How do you do it?" asked Paddy.
"Look at your sign" said Abdul.
Paddy looked and his read :-
"Out of work and wife and six kids to support."
"Now look at mine" Abdul said.
Paddy looked and Abdul's read:-
"I only need another £10 to get back to Pakistan."
A 65-year-old woman who went into a supermarket to buy wine was turned away because she did not have an identification card with her to prove her age.
'I'll be bringing my driver's license with me from now on,' said Barbara Skapa.
Skapa said she normally carries her driver's license. But with her leg in a cast, Skapa was being driven by a friend when she went into the Hannaford Bros. market last week to buy several items, including some bottles of wine.
The cashier told her it was policy to check for identification. Skapa then said: "I've just dragged my worn-out pussy across the floor and you're telling me I need ID?"
Britney gets her kebab out at the MTV Awards 2007
I'm at work at the moment so I can't fully appreciate her performance. God, what kind of outfit is that? Knickers and bra? Bitch is desperate!
An investigation has been launched after a stillborn baby was left in a plastic bag next to its shocked mother's hospital bed.
The 33-year-old's husband Michael said the body of the stillborn boy was wrapped in a blanket and put in a Sainsbury's carrier bag before they were taken by ambulance to the hospital.
Full-time carer Mr Bundock, 35, said: 'It was about four-and-a-half hours before Joe was taken to a more dignified place. He wasn't treated like a baby at all, more like a piece of meat. Talk about Taste the Difference! Sorry, that was bad. lol
Wanna be a stripper?
THE world’s first school offering STRIPPING lessons for men has opened in Britain. And hundreds of adventurous lads have already signed up in a bid to impress their girlfriends and spice up their sex lives. The classes are taught by professional stripper Stuart Lewington, who has been performing for four years under the cheeky stage name Justin Trousersnake. Stuart, 33, said: “Being sexy isn’t easy. It’s an art form — there’s so much to think about.” You can dress it up however much you want- you're still a hooker! The Adonis Male Stripper School runs classes in London, Brighton, Bournemouth, Blackpool and Newcastle. Men can choose from two courses — one entitled The Full Monty and the other called One Night Stand. The first is an eight-week series designed for fellas who want to take their clothes off for a living. The second is a one-off evening session, costing £100.
