Posted by Wabby at Wednesday, October 31, 2007 0 comments
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Metro:
The Victorians were a stuffy lot with a dour, repressive attitude towards sex.
Or, at least, the Victorians of popular imagination were. But, beneath the sober surface, it seems there was a rampant exploration of all kinds of carnal activities, which helped shape modern sexual behaviour.
'We still see effects from the Victorian era,' says erotic novel writer and Victorian literature expert Peter Freeman.
'There was a strict moral climate – a “do it, but don't mention it” attitude. But if you can imagine something happening, it probably happened.'
Freeman's new book, Curious Pleasures: A Gentleman's Collection Of Beastliness, is written in the guise of a Victorian divinity doctor, the Reverend Dr Erasmus St Jude Croom, and is a send-up of Victorian sexual attitudes.
It might sound satirical but the book is based on facts. 'Terms like “lavenderism”, for homosexuality, are genuine,' says Freeman.
And that famous Victorian flowering of inventions didn't stop with the steam train or the telephone. 'As technology advanced, with developments such as rubber, it was put to sexual use.'
Dr Erasmus is appalled by what he finds in Victorian society, including fetishes relating to medical paraphernalia, uniforms, wrestling and electrostimulation.
Historian Matthew Sweet, author of Inventing The Victorians, agrees with Freeman about the Victorians' desire to classify. But studying sex, he says, was just one part of a wider mission: 'Victorian culture liked to improve everything and everyone,' he says.
'If there was data to be analysed, you can bet someone would be analysing it.'
A time to experiment
It was during this period that sexual identities were classified.
'The word homosexual was meaningless to most Victorians,' says Sweet. 'It didn't enter the English language until the end of the 19th century.
There was a sub-culture we'd identify today as homosexual but the idea of your personhood being constituted by what you liked in bed would have been an alien idea.
Now, we tend to obsess over it and see it as an essential part of self-definition.'
At this time, domestic relationships were also changing.
'People were trying out new ways of having relationships – living communally or in a ménage à trois was a social project,' says Sweet. 'The Victorians were energetic, curious people who were interested in looking at how we ought to live. We're the beneficiaries of that.'
Here are some of Dr Erasmus's sexual 'depravities':
Lavenderism: Carnal indulgence between men. Lavenderism represents a diabolic influence, imposed upon mankind by Satan, that he may seek to draw us into eternal damnation.
Agalmatophilia: The practice of using a doll as an aid in self-abuse.
The dolls include a soft, penetrable object, such as an eviscerated chicken, placed so as to mimic the mouth or private parts. As one might expect, this is a predominantly rustic practice and notably common in Norfolk.
Irrumation: The insertion of the virile member into the mouth so that it may be played upon with lips and tongue.
This is an act so monstrously indecent that to any but the utterly depraved it is hard to accept as reality.
Onanism: The practice of selfstimulation. It gives rise to a wide variety of symptoms, including blindness, the growth of hair on the palms and even death.
Curious Pleasures: A Gentleman's Collection Of Beastliness by the Reverend Dr Erasmus St Jude Croom (Virgin, £12.99)
Four cheeky commuters were being hunted by a transport company last night after they boarded a bus naked.
The men stunned fellow passengers as they jumped aboard the rush-hour bus with just a towel between them. Travellers could only stifle their giggles as the foursome took their seats.
Security guard Bob Allwood said: 'I saw the first one put his leg up to get on the bus and saw his bare bum. Then I noticed three other bare-chested men. Everyone turned round in disbelief.
'They got on and sat down as if it was perfectly normal,' he added.
'Some of the women on the other bus were giggling and leant over to get a better look. I thought I had seen everything. I just wonder where they put their fare.'
But bosses at Reading Buses failed to see the funny side of the prank and have appealed to witnesses to help them catch the culprits.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wanna know who the blow-job Royal is????
Click HERE!
Oh, the link has been removed. Well, if you wanna know who the filthy sod is- email me!
A group of German grannies have turned their knitting circle into a company selling kinky knitwear.
Their range includes lingerie, face masks and willy warmers, as well as conventional woollen clothing.
Manuela Buesch-Dankewitz, 45, who manages the group of lady knitters said: "The women love to knit, and it's great to earn something from it.
"Our oldest team member is 86. She makes willy warmers and other gear just like the rest."
Ms Buesch-Dankewitz came up with the idea after a US customer asked for a woollen bondage suit and since then has expanded her team to cater for ever more exotic tastes.
She added: "Since we put the items on-line we have been flooded with requests from all around the world.
"We make our wool products to order and there is a big demand out there."
The firm's products can be seen on their new web site at http://wolltraum.de
She has been feted as the new golden girl of ITV News having been handed a £400,000 deal to be the face of the News At Ten.
But yesterday Julie Etchingham was left to ponder how quickly triumph can turn into humiliation after the most embarrassing gaffe of her career.
Viewers saw David Cameron saying: "Let me outline the action that a Conservative government would take.
"As we have seen, some of the increase in population size results from natural change - birth rates, death rates. Here our policy should be obvious . . ."
At which point Miss Etchingham's voice was clearly heard to say: "Extermination!"
LOL! Good one. I was thinking that too...
Only this 100-year-old could get away with wearing a transparent dress. Those baps are definitely heading south for the winter, although if she was a mere mortal (i.e. someone who isn't 95% plastic) she would have been tucking those boobies into her shoes by now.
A racism watchdog wants a shop to remove black mannequins because it says they resemble Ku Klux Klan lynchings.
The headless figures hang on chains and appear in All Saints clothes stores.
Rural Racism Project says shoppers in Exeter have complained because they have overtones of the lynchings of black people in America.
Oh shut the fuck up! Seems like people can't do or say anything without someone branding it racist! You just know if I said I hated black Jelly Babies, there'd be a mob outside my house. As it happens, the black ones are my favourite. I also like the black Jelly Babies. lol
Monday, October 29, 2007
Jonathan “J.T.” Taylor of San Francisco has won the coveted title of U.S. Mr. Gay 2008.
Ewww! Is that the best they could come up with?
Lads, we don't have anything to worry about.
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
. . .
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
. . .
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
. . .
Sign at a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
. . .
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
. . .
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
. . .
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
. . .
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We heard you coming."
. . .
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"Bah Humbug Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas — Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" — what do I hear?
The old lady bitches 'cause I work late at night
The elves want more money — the reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes — if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days — they all are the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo-yos — no request for them
They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad... just picture this
Try holding those brats... with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose — they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air... dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job... there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde... I'm going south for the season!
This cuddly feline is not a baby leopard but the most expensive pet cat on the market - priced at £12,000.
The Ashera - billed as the world's "largest, rarest and most exotic" domestic cat - is the size of a small dog and sports eye-catching leopard-like spots and tiger stripes.
British businessman Simon Brodie is selling the designer kittens at a whopping £10,796 plus shipping costs - and already has a nine-month waiting list.
The Ashera is available at www.lifestylepets.com.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Holier-than-thou Jeremy Kyle is a filthy bastard!!!!
The slick-talking host lured a 16-year-old schoolgirl into a lust-fuelled fling by promising to get her into showbiz.
Kyle became infatuated with Becky Hayes when she did work experience at the radio station where he was a DJ. Now she has revealed to a close friend how the schemer:
- PLEADED for her to dress up in school uniform for him,
- CONFESSED he was wanking as he fantasised about it,
- ADMITTED he was turned on by the fact she was a virgin,
- CALLED her for phone sex as she walked home from school,
- INVITED her to a swingers' party,
- GROPED her intimately in his car and murmured: "I want to fuck you..."
Becky told her friend: "Jeremy was in a position of trust but totally abused it. He took advantage of me. He was 35 at the time and I was busy at school studying for my GCSEs. He just cashed in on the fact I was so starstruck.
"He told me he could get me into radio and I thought he was amazing. I was in awe. But he only wanted me for one thing—and that was sex. What he did was wrong, very wrong."
His position is now untenable! I demand he resign and get his sanctimonious (but hot) ass out of public view forever!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
SAUCY shoppers dared to bare when they stripped down to their underwear to win £50 of goods at a new Worthing shop.
Store 21, in Chapel Road, offered gift vouchers to the first 21 customers who turned up in just their smalls between noon and 1pm on Saturday 13th October.A queue of around 15 fearless folk gathered in the autumnal conditions before staff ordered a mass de-clothing at midday.
Check out the video HERE!
A Jobcentre has provoked outrage after it was found to be advertising for women to strip for web cams on Internet sex sites for £8 an hour.
According to the advertisement, the role involves "explicit dialogue" and "performing for clients' or customers' fantasies".
When the Daily Mail called the sex line yesterday afternoon it went to an answer phone. Romantic music played in the background as a woman with a husky voice claimed she would "love to talk" but was busy (flicking her cocoa bean).
Lesbian worms have offered scientists evidence that sexual orientation is "wired" into the brain.
Researchers altered circuits in the worms' brains so that they were attracted to members of their own sex.
"They look like girls, but act and think like boys," said the politically incorrect Dr Jamie White, from the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, US, who led the study.
The findings suggest that sexual attraction is imprinted into the same brain circuits in males and females.
However, the circuits are wired a different way in each case, causing differences in behaviour.
Although the scientists were studying millimetre-long worms, the creatures possess many genes thought to be conserved in higher animals, including humans.
Co-author Professor Erik Jorgensen, scientific director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah, said: "We cannot say what this means for human sexual orientation, but it raises the possibility that sexual preference is wired in the brain.
"Humans are subject to evolutionary forces just like worms. It seems possible that if sexual orientation is genetically wired in worms, it would be in people too. Humans have free will, so the picture is more complicated in people."
When you catch your wife in another man's house wearing only a towel while eating a Chinese take-away there really can only be one thought.
Pub landlord Anthony Morgan, 70, attacked his half-naked wife with a child's cricket bat when he found her enjoying a Chinese takeaway with another man, a court heard today.
He came across wife Elaine - his partner for 21 years - wearing only a towel at the home of Stephen Clarke.
She claimed to have stripped off so her clothes would not get greasy from the egg-fried rice, Newport Crown Court heard.
Morgan, who runs Potters Pub in Aberbeeg, Abertillery, South Wales, entered Mr Clarke's flat and hit the pair with the bat, breaking his wife's nose.
He was given a nine-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, and ordered to pay £500 towards the prosecution's costs.
Emma Thompson's sex trade video
The star plays the part of a whore trafficked into the country and forced to shag with up to 40 men a day (lucky bitches) in a bid to highlight the plight of thousands of women.
The video supports a campaign, which includes an online petition, launched to pressure the Government into approving the Council of Europe Convention on Action against Trafficking in Human Beings which would protect victims.
This is quite shocking...though there was still a rustle in my panties...
Friday, October 26, 2007
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus.
Their planning did not take into account the position of the exhaust pipe....... Doh!!
Brotherly Love!
What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, bollock naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard", says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
Throwing bread to ducks may appear to be one of life's more innocent and safe pursuits – but not in one village.
There, the centuries-old pastime has been banned because it apparently makes the birds shit too much.
Parish councillors claim ducks on their 400-year-old pond produce too much waste because their insides cannot cope with the additives in bread.
They have put up signs telling people not to feed the mallards and drakes.
'The duck population has increased dramatically and their droppings are starting to pollute the pond and the neighbouring area,' said John Strawbridge, chairman of Oakley and Deane Parish Council in Hampshire.
'We don't want to be killjoys and we'd like to encourage people to carry on enjoying the pond, but feeding the ducks puts a strain on its entire ecosystem.'
'Some people come down with whole loaves and throw it all in the pond, which isn't good for the ducks or for the pond,' said parish council clerk Sally Warner.
However, the move has angered some residents in Oakley, which is mentioned in the Domesday Book.
Grandmother Helen Davis, 62, said: 'Children love to see the ducks waddling around and pecking at the bread.
'I've only ever seen people throwing the odd slice of bread, not whole loaves. It's a nice way of clearing out the cupboards.'
Police in South Africa impounded a Fiat Uno car that was being used to transport two cows and two goats.
Two policemen in northern KwaZulu-Natal chased after the tiny car after a tip-off, reports Independent Online.
Police spokesperson Captain Jabulani Mdletshe said residents of the Phelindaba area reported seeing a man loading a cow into the Fiat.
By the time the two officers arrived, the driver had loaded his vehicle with all four animals and was attempting to speed away.
Police gave chase and, realising he was not losing his pursuers, the man stopped his car and fled into the bushes.
Supermodel Heidi Klum says it wasn't her husband Seal's huge fame status that she was first attracted to but rather something else bigger...
The 34-year-old German beauty told chat show host Oprah Winfrey: 'I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, 'wow!'
She revealed: 'He was wearing bicycle shorts and I pretty much saw everything. The whole package.'
He might have a huge baguette (but then I think we all knew that already), but he's such a minger!
Those scars creep me out! Though I bet they are divine for relieving an itch, you know, just like when Baloo in the Jungle Book rubs himself against that tree trunk?
Here's the vid:
A bingo player who won a £100,000 jackpot during a night out with friends was told by a court on Thursday that she need not split her winnings with them.
Tania Burnett was sued by the two pals who claimed they had all agreed to share any prize.
Tania said after the hearing: "Basically they can all get stuffed."
LOL!
Selfish Essex slag! Muahahaha I like her attitude.
This is the image released by Kate and Gerry McCann in a desperate effort to trace Madeleine's kidnapper.
The artist's impression is of a man the McCann's friend Jane Tanner insists she saw striding along near their apartment with a child in his arms about 45minutes before Kate discovered Madeleine had vanished.
He has no face! He should be really easy to find then eh? This is all bullshit. People see what they want to see. Didn't someone recently spot a Romanian woman with a child who was purported to be Madeleine? That turned out to be a false alarm and I suspect this is too. Kate and Gerry are just trying to fuel the media with something to keep the story alive. Sorry, but it's far too late to be showing images of a faceless man holding an unidentifiable girl wearing-shock horror-pink pyjamas "just like Maddy's". How many girls on the planet wear pink pyjamas?! If she's alive, she's probably being fucked left, right and centre. Pray that you DON'T find her alive, because if you do, she'll be permanently damaged in unimaginable ways.
A ghost takes a dump in librarian's toilet
SPOOKED librarian Gordon Jenns wants an exorcist called in – to stop a ghost using his loo.
He hears footsteps before it flushes on Friday nights after everyone has gone home at Gravesend library, Kent.
Ex-Royal Marine Gordon, 61, said: “It even happens when the loo door’s locked.”
A council spokesman said: “There’s definitely a presence.”
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Listen to the whole of Britney's album HERE!
I'm drawn to Halle Berry's berries
Well, they're not quite berries now; more like cantaloupes.
Those boobies make me want to bury my head in that cleavage and shake it vigorously. Who needs a back-up milk frother for their cappuccino?
Click HERE if you wanna see the scandalous sex video of the Vietnamese slut Hoang Thuy Linh, whose career is now in tatters.
Ugh, she squeals like an animal in distress.
Ewww
You know that American politician Larry Craig? The one who was arrested for lewd conduct in a men's bog but who then pleaded guilty to a lesser charge of "disorderly conduct"?
Well, some bear claims to have got jiggy with him some years ago. Here's his horrid account:
“When we got to what reminded me of a rarely used guest room, he stripped me down, and the man’s hands and mouth were all over me. He kept his pants on, though, while laying me back on the bed to suck my cock. Then, he stripped naked and asked me to suck him. I complied for a while, then he disappeared and returned with lube and a condom to fuck me with. It was a clumsy and unremarkable fuck, except that I wasn’t clean and he was frantic about not getting my shit on anything. Still, he blew his load, ripped the dirty condom off and ordered me to get dressed without wiping myself. He hurried me to the back door, again ranting, ‘You were never here. You don’t know me. Right?’”
I thought that Larry would have been the bottom. He looks the type; you know, he's got that weedy look.
Remember that '90s pop band Ace of Base? Apparently they're making a comeback! Yay!
Here's a reminder of how goooood they were. lol
Metro:
Men looking for casual sex are most likely to hit on girls called Kelly, according to a new survey.
Kelly topped a list of girls names that men reckoned were most up for sex, with Tanya coming second, Debs or Debbie third, Becky fourth and Steph fifth.
Michelle, Tina, Lisa, Carly and Nicky also make the top ten of names boys think are most up for for a shag.
“It's strange how certain names have connotations. If guys have a good experience with a girl of a certain name, they tend to remember them. It's bad news if your name is Kelly, though,” said John Sewell, a spokesman for OnePoll.com who quizzed 1,000 men for the survey.
Women were quizzed on the name of guys who they thought would most likely to try it on the first time they met. Lee came first, Dave second, Andy third, Steve fourth and Kevin fifth in the poll of male sleazes.
Gary, Paul, Darren, Jason and Ben made up the rest of the list.
“Girls said these are names they would avoid at all costs on nights out.”
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new
wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox?"
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put
up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
Load of Bull
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding
bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times
last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 120 times last
year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a
lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that read, in capital letters, "This bull
mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said bravely, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make
a full recovery.
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The family of a Montenegrin man whose dying wish was to be buried with his mobile phone are to dig him up again after discovering they had forgotten the SIM card.
Arso Banjeglav, 67, spent hours every day chatting to pals on his beloved mobile, and told his son Brano that when he died he wanted it put in his coffin.
But, after the funeral in the central Montenegrin town of Cetinje, they discovered his grandson, who was playing with the device, had taken out the SIM card.
Brano Banjeglav, 38, said: "We put the phone in the coffin as he wanted, but my 10-year-old son had been playing with it and had taken the card out without my knowledge.
"So now we have got to dig him up again to put it in the phone."
This woman must have some strong boobies!
AN Aussie barmaid with heeeoowge bazookas has been fined $1,000 (about £440) for crushing BEER CANS between them.
Another off-duty female barmaid was also fined $500 (about £220) for hanging spoons on the barmaid’s nipples, and their manager was made to pay $1,000 for not stopping them.
WORKERS at a chain of budget hotels are being given advice on how to deal with NAKED sleepwalkers.
The move comes after an increase in the number of guests found wandering around in the night with no clothes on.
A study by Travelodge found there had been a seven-fold increase in sleepwalking customers in the past year, to more than 400 cases, almost always involving men.
Sleep experts blamed stress, alcohol abuse or even lack of sleep for the reason why people suffer from the disorder.
The research, conducted in 310 Travelodge hotels, found that many naked sleepwalkers walked into the reception area asking for a newspaper or saying they wanted to check out.
One naked guest was arrested after being locked out of the hotel.
Travelodge said it was sending a guide to its staff on how to deal with sleepwalkers, such as keeping a supply of towels in reception to help preserve a guest’s dignity.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Awww bless 'em!
Kids - on love
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
Paedos are often shorter than average men, new research suggests.
A study of 1,200 men being assessed for sexual disorders found that child sex perverts were 2cm shorter than the average 5ft 10in man.
Researchers say the findings in Toronto, Canada, suggest paedophilia may be a biological condition.
Psychologist James Cantor said: “It demonstrates it is indeed about how the body grows and how the brain develops.”
He added: “Paedophiles are also three times more likely to be left-handed and that’s something that only happens with brain organisation before birth.”
Hmm, I'm 5ft 7 inches tall and have always been left-handed. Oh well, I guess it's my destiny to be a paedo. Now where can I find a tasty baby at this time of day? lol
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room . Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends".
Cheers Lawrie!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke"
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proven yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
A Stress Pig
http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/piggy.swf
Enjoy........ Just press the nose to relieve some stress!!
Little Billy asks his Dad for a TV in his room.
> >
> >
> >
> > His Dad reluctantly agrees.
> >
> >
> >
> > Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks: "Dad, what's love juice?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
> >
> >
> >
> > Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
> >
> >
> >
> > Dad says " So what were you watching?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Billy replies "Wimbledon!"
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up
in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night. Sure enough, the nun is kneeling
down praying.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
bottom sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
This could be a "COLD HARD FACT"
| Getting old is so hard at times. |
These are absentee notes from parents (including original
spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
her shot.
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of
his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
(diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found
it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father even got
hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.
His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in
bed with the doctor.
Spice Grannies- Headlines
I'm at work so I can't hear this. Good? Shit?
UPDATE.
I've just heard it. Oh God, it really is a big steaming pile of crap!! This is fucking awful! If this reaches no.1 in the charts, I'll eat my skid-marked panties!
I'm so glad she wore panties
It's the scary one from Girls Aloud.
You just know those black panties conceal a big, fiery bush, waiting to envelope an unsuspecting man.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Collection of French bashing quotes
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
--Mark Twain
------------------------------
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
--General George S. Patton
------------------------------
'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'
--General Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'
--Marge Simpson
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'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'
--Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
'As far as France is concerned, you're right.'
--Rush Limbaugh
------------------------------
'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'
--Regis Philbin
------------------------------
'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'
--John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'
--David Letterman
------------------------------
'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.'
--Ted Nugent
------------------------------
'War without France would be like ... World War II.'
--Unknown
------------------------------
'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'
--Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'
--Alan Kent
-----------------------------
'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'
--Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'
--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
' The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried.'
--Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
HER DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see a Chinese sex therapist. Dr Chang. He says: "Take off all your clothes and get down and craw reery, reery fas to other side of room." She does that.
"Now craw reery, reery fas back." As she did so, Dr Chang shook his head. Your pwoblem vewy vewy bad you have worse case of Ed Zachery disease I ever see. Dat why you get no date or sex."
Woman says: "Oh my god" what's Ed Zachery disease? Dr says: "it's when your face looks Ed Zachery like your arse."
It's not a clitoral stimulator. It's an expensive ciggie!
Chinawhite in Soho is trying out Britains first "e-cig", a Chinese-made device that mimics the ritual of smoking but is claimed to be entirely legal indoors.
The six-inch white plastic stick uses a battery-powered atomiser to create realistic puffs of "smoke," while the tip glows red with each suck.
The smoker even gets a strong kick of nicotine from "nico-filter" cartridge. Its manufacturer, the Golden Dragon Group, say the invention has no harmful side-effects because there is no smoke or tar.
A £50 starter pack includes the cigarette, one filter and a recharger for the battery. The filter will provide enough nicotine for about 350 puffs, equivalent to about 30 cigarettes.
Replacement packs of six filters cost £10 each. John Stephen, co-founder of Chinawhite, said:
"Clubs should move with the times and offer members the choice to smoke outside or enjoy a smoke-free cigarette indoors."
"We're trialling these e-cigs to see if our members like them and the few that have tried them say they are amazing.
Mrs Jones went to see her doctor. When he enquired about her complaint she replied that she was suffering from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to finger her. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear."
My fucking bitch of a colleague! She comes into work sniffling away and spreading her shit to everyone else! And then when everyone else begins to suffer, she just laughs it off and says "sorry". "Sorry" ain't gonna clear my sinuses! Ugh, I feel like shit.
*Blows my nose on her desk and runs away*
Saturday, October 20, 2007
What a day!!!!
I have just had an emotional rollercoaster of a day!
Basically, I hadn't heard from my boyfriend in the last few days. I thought that it was because he was busy working, but today, he left a voicemail on my phone saying he didn't think the relationship was working. The moment he said that my knees felt weak and I felt like I needed to sit down (talk about melodramatic!). After sending him numerous messages to phone me, I got on the bus and I ended up blubbering. Pathetic, I know.
I've now just had a one hour chat with him, and I persuaded him (by saying I'll dress up like geisha dominatrix....kidding) to give the relationship a proper go. Yay!
I'm fucking exhausted now! I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'm afraid there won't be any posts. Sowwy!
Most people know that parrots and cockatoos are amongst the most intelligent birds – but you maybe didn't know that they are also considered the best dancers in the avian world.
This video should rectify that ignorance, as we see Snowball, a medium sulphur crested Eleanora cockatoo from Indiana, get down with the wickedness.
Throwing some shapes that would make even the most experienced shape-thrower proud, Snowball proves himself to be a funky master of the leg-lift, the head-bob and the side-to-side sway.
His choice of music - that slice of pop fried gold that is Everybody (Backstreet's Back) by the Backstreet Boys – only confirms his excellent taste and awesome moves.
Lesbian foot doctor is a filthy bitch
A LESBIAN foot doctor has been struck off after looking at nude pictures at work, doing a Nazi salute and telling a nun “Fuck Easter”.
Joanne Fuller, in her 40s, also logged on to erotic websites, practised karate kicks (is that illegal now?) and discussed her sex life in front of colleagues, the Health Professions Council hearing was told.
The investigation into Fuller, who worked as a chiropodist at Upton Hospital in Slough, Berks, began in early 2005.
Julie Norris, for the HPC, told the hearing in South London that when a nun was visiting a patient, Fuller said, “Fuck Easter” then remarked: “She’s all right.”
Miss Norris said Fuller had shown workmates images of her, her partner and her partner’s sister “in degrees of undress and bondage outfits”.
She said the foot doc accessed websites at work containing stories that “verged on the erotic”.
Disciplinary panel chair Christine Mills said Fuller had to be struck off.
This lesbo sounds like someone I could get on with! Bitch can tie me up any time and stomp on my nuts with her.....Timberland boots? lol
Friday, October 19, 2007
A teenager who had "mum" tattooed on her back in Chinese letters was horrified to find it really said: "Friend from hell."
Charlene Williams, 19, only found out something was wrong when a passing Chinese woman shouted: "Evil, evil, very bad."
Charlene said: "I was shocked and angry. Dad joked it said chicken chow mein. It was worse than that."
She paid £10 for the tattoo four years ago in Poole, Dorset. The tattooist did not know letters change meaning when put together.
I know I've posted this one before....
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in A rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on A stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - excuse me.... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you Have large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
lol Robbie Williams is a joker
Robbie Williams has stunned US viewers after revealing on live TV that he's been 'shooting heroin' and enjoying 'bum sex'.
The 33-year-old 'Angels' singer made his shocking comments as he left the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel in LA.
When asked by a live camera crew what he's been up to lately the singer said: "I have been wanking and shooting heroin' TMZ.com reported.
He continued: 'What else have I been doing? Just being nasty and having bum sex.'
The LA resident's shock comments were accidentally aired before the 10pm watershed.
Subtitles were added so viewers could understand his accent.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
There's a reason why men should stay faithful – it keeps them looking young and boosts their lifespan.
Waiting to mate with different partners causes many male vertebrates to age faster and die sooner than females, research shows.
This is because intense competition for females limits the amount of successful breeding time.
These sex differences are more marked in species where males have several mates, Cambridge University scientists told the Royal Society.
I'm assuming this guy cheated on all his girlfriends.
Nothing drives men crazy like the scent of woman but it seems to do the same trick for the ladies.
The smell of breastfeeding mothers and their babies makes childless women very horny, a study shows.
Volunteers sniffed pads that nursing mothers stuffed in their bras and armpits and God knows where else, and documented their sexual desire.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
A tiny Canadian political party that promotes sexual freedom complained in Federal Court Monday it was discriminated against by the country's postal service.
The Sex Party is upset that Canada Post refused to distribute a flyer during the 2006 federal election that outlined the group's philosophy, after deeming some its contents to be pornographic.
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
" The next night he came home from work and yelled
" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!",
the wife jumped into bed
When he yelled
"BELL 3!"
they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled
"BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
" YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
The most beautiful girl
Slight problem- she's a geezer!
She was the 2005 winner of Thailand's Miss Transvestite Contest.
A Saville Row tailor has produced what it thought to be the world's most expensive suit. William Westmancott, 27, has created the 'Ultimate Bespoke' - it is made from a one-off luxury cloth designed and woven in a traditional English Mill.
"It the most expensive, luxurious and indulgent bespoke suit in the world," Mr Westmancott said. It is aimed at celebrities or "the man who has everything and for whom money is no object". And I can't wait to find such a man!
As the cloth is so expensive he creates a complete sample suit first to ensure the pattern is perfect.
"An ultimate bespoke suit will take 150 to 200 workshop hours of construction, with many weeks of work spent designing and weaving the cloth and linings," Mr Westmancott said.
So far the Saville Row tailor said there had been a lot of interest from "wealthy Russians and Middle Eastern gentlemen" as well as premiership footballers.
A Pennsylvania woman is facing a jail sentence after she was arrested for shouting profanities at an overflowing toilet.
Dawn Herb was inside her own home in West Scranton when her neighbour, a police officer, heard her swearing through an open window.
He asked her to "keep it down" and, when that did not work, called police colleagues who came out and charged her with disorderly conduct.
Ms Herb is now facing up to 90 days in jail and a fine of up to the equivalent of about £150, reports The Times-Tribune.
She said: "It doesn't make any sense. I was in my house. It's not like I was outside or drunk. A cop can charge you with disorderly conduct for disrespecting them?"
Although she doesn't recall exactly what she said, she admitted she was frustrated with her overflowing toilet and let a few choice words fly.
"The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling for my daughter to get the mop," she said. Bleurgh!
Mary Catherine Roper, of the American Civil Liberties Union, said Ms Herb would have a strong case in court.
"You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet," she said.
"We bring one of these cases a year and sue some police departments because they do not remember that they are not the language police."
Doctors in India have removed a toothbrush from a woman's nose.
The housewife says she isn't sure how the three inch long brush got lodged in her nostril.
She approached a hospital in Mumbai two months ago suffering from severe pain.
The Mumbai Mirror reports that the broken toothbrush showed up during a CT scan, shocking doctors.
The 31-year-old woman said: "I was brushing my teeth, my husband accidentally pushed me and the toothbrush in my hand broke.
"I was left holding the lower portion of the brush but couldn't locate the rest of it. Soon after, I started bleeding profusely from the nose.
"But since that day, I began getting breathless and a foul-smelling discharge began to come out of my nose. I used to get restless gasping for breath sometimes."
Dr Kaushal Sheth, who performed the surgery, said: "The odour from her nose was so bad that it could be smelt from a distance of two feet.
Now that has really put me off my salmon sarnie. Tsk!
Wogan has a nice package
Points of View presenter Sir Terry Wogan has been targeted by a string of viewer complaints but not for anything he said…
Audience members of the Sunday programme were distracted from the show's content after the 69-year-old failed to wear supportive panties.
The veteran presenter was totally unaware that his badly supported bulge in his trousers was putting his audience off their Sunday roasts.
A MAN who tossed a girl of five into a swamp to be eaten alive by alligators has been sentenced to death.
Harrell Braddy, 58, kidnapped Quatisha Maycock and her mum Shandelle after a row. I'm guessing they were from the ghetto.
He drove them to a road dubbed Alligator Alley outside Miami, Florida, choked Shandelle until she passed out and left her by the roadside.
She survived – but Braddy threw Quatisha in a swamp.
Her remains were found days later, with an arm missing and her skull crushed.
He was convicted of the 1998 murder in July.
A Miami judge ruled he face lethal injection.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
If you fancy giving your ear drums a bashing....Celine Dion's new song
Sealion Dion- Taking Chances:
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
> >>
> >>
> >> The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on
> >> the
> >> motorway.'
> >>
> >> 'You're going to be OK. You'll walk again; everything seems to be OK,
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> But there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently
> >> as
> >> I can:
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on,
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000
> >>
> >> compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact.
> >>
> >> But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an
> >> inch.'
> >>
> >> The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how
> >> many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
> >> I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a
> >> nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the
> >> decision.'
> >>
> >> So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife
> >>
> >>
> >> The doctor comes back the next day.
> >>
> >> 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
> >>
> >> 'I have.' says the chap.
> >>
> >> 'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
> >>
> >> 'Yes, she has' he says.
> >>
> >> 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
> >> 'We're having a new kitchen.'
Choosing a wife
> >A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
> >likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
> >see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes
to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new
> >outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has
> >done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.The
> >man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets
> >him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
> >expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
> >spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.Again, the man is
> >impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
> >several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
> >remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
> >their future because she loves him so much.Obviously, the man was
> >impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
> >with the money he'd given her.
Then…………………..he married the one with the
> >biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.There is more money being spent on
> >breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
> >that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
> >and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with
> >them.
> > There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's
> > receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong
> > in a room full of other patients. I know you all
> > have experienced this, and here's the way one old
> > guy handled it.
> > An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's
> > office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist
> > said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's
> > something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became
> > irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and
> > say things like that."
> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
> > The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused
> > some embarrassment in this room full of people. You
> > should have said there is something wrong with your
> > ear or something and then discussed the problem
> > further with the doctor in private."
> > The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
> > The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
> > "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
> > The receptionist nodded approvingly and
> > smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
> > "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
> > "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
> > The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
What not to say at interviews
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"I am fascinated by fire."
"I like tall women."
"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct at some time or other."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"I collect photographs of everyone who interviews me."
"How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?"
"Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X rated websites?"
"Who's the ugly cow in that picture on your desk?"
"What's your company's policy on severance pay?"
"Does your insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?"
"I don't really want this job, but the unemployment office needs proof that I'm looking for one."
"Yes, I was let go from my previous job because of a "faeces incident"
Pointing to a black case "If am not hired, this bomb will go off."
"I killed my previous boss in self-defence."
"I really don't have any skills whatsoever because this is my first job."
"You would be exceedingly foolish not to hire me."
"My mum could give you a reference."
"I like this company because it's a short commute from my house."
"Do I have to dress up?"
"I was working for my mum until she decided to move."
"Please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job."
"Oh-my-God, you need to give me this job because it's, like, fate or something. I had a dream that I was running naked through this office with a giant pig chasing after me."
"Look me in the eye, and tell me if I ain't the most honest-lookin' criminal you know."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given a job like this a second look."
If you're wondering why your male workmate is taking so long in the toilet he could well be masturbating.
A new survey has revealed the work toilet as one of men's favourite places to masturbate with 13 per cent retiring to a cubicle for a quick "break".
A whopping 69 per cent liked to masturbate was in front of their computers while a few vain participants masturbated in front of a mirror, according to the CupidBay survey.
Women, on the other hand, preferred to do it in the comfort of their own bed (58 per cent) while 13 per cent of them masturbated in the shower.
The survey of over a 1,000 people found English men do it on average eight times per week in comparison to Scottish and Welsh men who masturbate daily. Irish men are more restrained at five times a week.
Scottish women masturbate the most at three times a week, with English girls doing it twice, while Welsh and Irish ladies just do it once.
CupidBay members were also quizzed on what they think about when masturbating. A massive 75 per cent of men replied-surprise surprise- 'pornographic images'. Around 80 per cent of women thought of 'someone they knew'.
This was followed by, for men, 'female celebrities' (nine per cent) and for women, 'boyfriend/ex-boyfriend' (10 per cent). Other common answers included 'colleagues' for men and 'my friend's boyfriend' for women.
“It is clear from our survey that in stark contrast to men, women prefer to fantasize over real people whilst masturbating,” said Francis Deacon, sex and relationship expert for CupidBay.com.
“Men, it would appear, tend to rely on the visual stimuli of internet pornography.”
This story is all kinds of crazy!
Police hunting a naked serial women tickler believe they have finally got their man after he urinated in a carton of milk.
'The Tickler' has struck at least a dozen times since 2004 but has so far evaded the authorities but a 50-year-old man has now been arrested in Florida after an attack on a woman who claimed she was attacked while she slept.
Thomas Blacine was hauled in by police after a police dog tracked his scent to a car parked near the home of Linda Combs, who woke up to find a naked man tickling her! lol!
I felt something on my leg and thought it was my cat and I look up and ity was this naked guy,' Combs said.
She didn't know if Blacine was the tickler but claimed she would recognise his buttocks.
'I would recognise him more if there was a shot of his skinny white butt,' she added.
Police said Blacine has admitted breaking into women's homes and videotaping them while they slept but he has not admitted tickling the women.
Officers said Blacine had also videotaped a bizarre behaviour.
'In one of the cases he was seen urinating into a half-gallon of milk,' said Sgt Mike Brouilette.
JK Rowling playing peek-a-boo with the kiddies
Meeting a group of children yesterday to talk about her Harry Potter books was not a magic moment for JK Rowling.
The author's low-cut dress slipped down, giving the youngsters an eyeful of her bra – causing them to collapse into fits of giggles.
Without any magical powers to fix the wardrobe malfunction, the blushing writer had to perform a quick readjustment herself to spare any further embarrassment.
It's OK to tell your boss to go fuck his own gran!
Swearing at work helps employees cope with stress, academics said today.
The University of East Anglia said a study of leadership styles found the use of "taboo language" boosted team spirit.
Professor Yehuda Baruch, professor of management at the Norwich-based institution, warned bosses that any moves to prevent workers from swearing could have a negative impact.
He said: "In most scenarios, in particular in the presence of customers or senior staff, profanity must be seriously discouraged or banned.
"However, our study suggested that, in many cases, taboo language serves the needs of people for developing and maintaining solidarity, and as a mechanism to cope with stress. Banning it could backfire.
"Managers need to understand how their staff feel about swearing. The challenge is to master the art of knowing when to turn a blind eye to communication that does not meet with their own standards."
Chocolate Week
The Mirror:
Casanova called chocolate the "elixir of love". Pamela Anderson said it's "better than sex!" and in the 18th century nuns were banned from eating chocolate as it was believed to be 'too stimulating.' So, what makes those beans so damn sexy?
"Chocolate is made from cocoa beans," says Barry Colenso, master chocolatier for Thorntons. You don't say!
"It melts at body temperature so when you put it in your mouth you get a wonderful velvety smooth feeling. It's also full of feel-good chemicals, including phenylethylamine, which is released into your brain when you're in love and serotonin which gives you a great natural high.
"But I don't think you should choose between chocolate and sex, have one after the other!"
Chunks v Hunks
Tricky one. If the chocolate gets you in the mood, you need someone there. Combine the two for best results...
IT'S A HEALTHY INDULGENCE
Ok, it tastes great and makes you feel fabulous, so it can't be good for you, right? Wrong!
A humble bar of chocolate contains flavanols that reduce blood pressure and improve heart health.
Levels are highest in dark chocolate but they're also in milk choc. Milk chocolate also contains vitamins B1, B2, and E as well as minerals including potassium, sodium, magnesium, phosphorus, zinc, copper, manganese and, of course, calcium.
A 45g bar of dark choc contains 12 per cent of the recommended daily allowance of iron. Try 70 per cent Divine Dark from Divine Chocolates, it's Fairtrade and 65p for a 45g bar. It won't take the place of fruit and veg but as something yummy, that's also healthy in moderation, it can't be beaten.
Chunks v Hunks
Sorry guys, you just break our hearts - chocolate could keep them healthy
SPICE THINGS UP
More than 2,000 years ago the Aztec and Mayan cultures gave the world it's best-loved sweet treat when they blended cocoa beans with water, chilli, spices and cornmeal to make a spicy, frothy drink.
But back then it wasn't for everyone - it was only drunk by royalty or used in special ceremonies.
Whittards Aztec Chilli Hot Chocolate provides a delicious modern take on the age-old classic.
Chunks v Hunks
A snuggle on a cold night is divine, but a wonderfully warming cuppa is even better.
YOU'RE NEVER LET DOWN WHEN THE WRAPPER COMES OFF
As well as making you feel fab, tasting gorgeous and being good for you (a triple whammy that few men can match), chocolate is also great for your skin.
Cocoa butter is moisturising and nourishing for the skin - dry skin especially benefits from being drenched in it. An additional treat is the sense of well being and happiness that you get from the serotonin-boosting smell of chocolate. Try a Chocolate Mud Masque from Montagne Jeunesse (sachets from Boots, 99p) or pamper yourself with Champneys' Intense Moisture Body Wrapper (£15 available at www.champneys.com).
Chunks v Hunks
We've seen Something About Mary but we can't imagine what else you could do with an, er, man-made beauty routine. Choc wins again.
5 REASONS IT'S GREAT
1. Chocolate can't make you pregnant.
2. Chocolate isn't terrified of the word 'commitment'.
3. Your workmates don't get upset if you have chocolate on top of your desk.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.
5. It never disappoints.
Chocs away
Stay at The Chocolate Hotel in Bournemouth www.thechocolatehotel.co.uk and learn to make your own Belgian chocolate truffles and chocolate liqueurs (with an optional chocolate fountain in your bedroom).
THE ULTIMATE BROWNIE RECIPE
Sarah Payne, founder of award-winning organic chocolate company Cocoa Loco recommends this simple recipe:
250g butter
375g sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp baking powder
75g cocoa powder
110g flour
4oz chocolate buttons (Cocoa Loco ones are perfect!)
Line a rectangular baking tray with foil and grease with butter. Mix all the ingredients together, spoon the mixture into the tin and spread evenly.
Cook for 20 minutes at 180c until the top of mixture is no longer glossy. If in doubt take it out, an undercooked brownie is so much nicer than an overcooked one and the difference can be less than a minute!
Leave to cool, chop into squares and tuck in!
Marvellous chocolate martini
35ml Vodka
25ml Dark Creme de Cacao
10ml Peppermint liqueur
Shake together and strain into a martini glass for a mint choccy delight
Recipe from celeb hangout Mint Leaf Restaurant and Bar
Monday, October 15, 2007
An Australian ad campaign aiming to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers has proved a great success, a survey suggests.
The TV ads show women shaking their little finger - a gesture used to symbolise a small willy - as speeding male motorists race past.
In a government-commissioned survey, about 60% of young men said the ad had made them ponder their driving habits.
"Wiggling your pinkie has cut through to that crucial age group of young drivers - they're using it as a way to slow their mates down and stop them acting recklessly on our roads," he told the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper.
I was feeling a little depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans. I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane......
A more comfortable shag
No longer will you accidentally dunk your foot in the toilet whilst shagging in an aeroplane cubicle.
Luxury cabins will return to the skies this month with the launch of a new 'super-first' class on the Airbus A380 double decker.
Singapore Airlines, which took delivery of the first of 19 A380s in Toulouse today, revealed that the planes will have 12 private suites for its top paying passengers - meaning it's never been so easy to join the Mile High Club.
Health experts continue to bang on about obesity being bad for you, but clearly they haven't spoken to the German man who survived falling from a balcony by landing on his belly.
Gerhard Steiner, 27, was heartily munching on a sausage (what else?) on his hotel balcony in Bayreuth when he lost his balance and toppled over the edge.
Mr Steiner fell more than twenty feet before crashing on to the ground, his fall broken by his ample girth.
Rather than dying like an ordinary mortal, Mr Steiner emerged with just a bruised rib and doctors said his blubber saved him.
What's the point?
Fucking Westlife! They're back, unfortunately. Is it a new song? Don't be stupid. It's a cover of Michael Bublé's Home. How very DARE they! Michael's voice is just so smooth and velvety and to cover it is pointless! Leave my Booblay alone!
Have a listen to both and see what you think.
Michael Buble:
Westlife *pukes*
Black Man's Willy is so beautiful and fragrant (lol)
Gardeners'Question Time is not normally known for turning the airwaves blue.
But panellists on the Radio 4 show had to fight off fits of giggles as they talked about Rhodochiton volubile, otherwise known as Black Man's Willy.
Panellist Bob Flowerdew ended up admitting he had 'only ever seen one close up – and not that colour'.
Then, Anne Swithinbank claimed: 'I've never seen one in my life,' before giving tips about the vine.
'They don't really like the cold, as you can imagine,' she said. 'They shrivel up and look very unhappy.'
The panel, in Radstock, Somerset, let the innuendos sprout after the query. Mrs Swithinbank suggested that questioner Baz G should 'eventually harden up' his plants and give them 'a good long growing season'.
Producer Trevor Taylor was tickled by the three-minute discussion. He said: 'The humour came from Anne struggling to get through the question without laughing or backing into a corner.'
Despite the jokes, some listeners complained of offensive racial stereotyping.
'Innuendo has been a part of Radio 4 for decades. It started with Round The Horn but it's new on Gardeners' Question Time,' Mr Taylor added.
Aww tiny piggy
Meet Tetley, the miniature pig, so called because he is no bigger than a cup of tea.
He was the smallest of eight miniature pigs born at a farm in Buckfastleigh, Devon.
A granny was horrified when a “strapping” 6ft sex-change carer turned up to wash her ass.
Frail Kathy Yates, 88, specifically requested a female to assist her at home.
Daughter Kathleen, 48, fumed: “When the carer came through the door, I nearly keeled over.
“It looked like a man dressed as a woman. Talk about an overdose of make-up! He was 6ft with badly bleached blond hair. Overdose of make-up? What make-up? Bitch needs to try harder, starting with Maybelline Dream Matt Mousse.
“He had shoes that must have been size 11, huge hands – and insisted I call him Sue.”
“He got his gloves out and said, ‘Right, are you ready for a bath?’ My mum was in shock and kept blessing herself.
Here's the traumatised granny, after the tranny accidentally fingered her. Can you see the fear in her eyes and her quivering mouth? The daughter is so not impressed. lol
My poor bunions!
So, I had the interview this morning. I woke up somewhat nervous and anxious but I did put on a pair of shoes with a bit of a heel to increase my confidence. That extra inch really gave me a boost! Can I just clarify I didn't attend the interview wearing stilettos? lol And now my feet are killing me!
As for the interview, it went quite well, actually. But I don't think I'll get it: he hinted that he wasn't going to shortlist me due to my lack of substantial experience and that the other candidates were a lot more experienced, but that nevertheless he was impressed with my CV and my career to date. Pah, that doesn't help me! So basically, he wasted my time just because he was a bit curious about my application. Anyway, he's got two more candidates to see and then he'll create a shortlist for a second interview.
Have a good day, bitches! I'm off in a few moments to buy a new umbrella since I left mine on the Tube the other week. Tsk! If anyone finds a humongous rainbow-coloured umbrella with a few suspicious stains on it then contact me immediately! lol
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Check out this wobbly black ass. Bitch thinks he's Beyonce! I've said it before and I'll say it again- men wearing thongs is just wrong!
Cheers Clay x
Yo. Sorry for not posting anything today. I was at college! Ugh! And now I just can't be arsed. Wish me luck for my job interview tomorrow. It's at 9:30am.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Freaky moustache man finally had enough!
With a ten-inch moustache curling up neatly at the ends, Charles Law has long attracted admiring - and not so admiring - comments.
And with 26 years of facial furniture behind him, he should have had no trouble brushing off the remarks of some children.
But instead of laughing he lashed out and kicked a 13-year-old boy!
Yesterday the 48-year-old self-employed financial adviser pleaded guilty to common assault - and pledged to remove the moustache once and for all.
"It's coming off before the weekend," he said outside court.
"It's a shame but it has to go. I've had it since I was 22 and at one point it was up to 16 inches long. I will miss it."
Law's elaborate moustache landed him in trouble once again after he was taunted by a group of boys while taking money from a cash machine last Christmas Eve.
They allegedly shouted: "Nice moustache. Where'd you get it?"
Refusing to see the funny side he confronted the group and eventually snapped, St Albans Crown Court was told.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Hey bitches! I've been offered a job interview on Monday morning in London, for a job similar to what I'm doing now, but at double the salary! Naturally I'm crapping myself, partly because I don't think I'm experienced enough and partly because I feel like a fraud. What?
Me? 45k? Are you serious? lol I can't understand why they shortlisted me, especially since they can clearly see I've only been in my present job for 7 months. I'm trying not to keep my hopes too high but if I got it, I don't think I'd be able to stop screaming! lol
I know I haven't posted any pics of awful trannies in a while so here's a treat
Naturally, she's going for the slutty look.
"I`m looking to meet with experienced, w/e tops who want to use me as their slutty g/f for daytime fun, I love to suck cock, and take a long hard fucking, whilst using poppers.Available for late night outdoor encounters with horny guys who want to use me as their whore.
"Looking to meet assertive admirers for indoor or outdoor sex ."
Hey there. I went out with the boyfriend last night to Wagamama for the first time and it was yum! I had duck gyoza and chilli chicken ramen. MMMMmmm! I made a right mess of myself- my shirt was splattered! Oh, and I was well embarrassed 'cause I just couldn't use the chop sticks. How the hell do you use them?! I'm not going back there until I learn how! It seems so chavvy to ask for a fuck, I mean, a fork. lol
As for dessert, I had coconut reika ("three scoops of dairy coconut ice cream topped with a fresh, tangy mango sauce and toasted coconut flakes"). Highly recommended!
The only thing I didn't like was the atmosphere. Hello? I don't want to be reminded of school. Get some proper seats and tables and some soft furnishings. I had to shout just to get heard.
To all my friends,
I have hired the services of a very competent maid but do not have enough work to keep her busy 7 days a week. If any of you can help, I can vouch that she is very good, honest and reliable and also very hard working.
Please let me know if you are able to assist and maybe take her for a day a week. Please see the attached pics showing her competency at various tasks.
Thanks
Chicken Run
Major roads in central Scotland were brought to a standstill after a lorry containing 1,800 chickens crashed on the A80, leaving birds running loose.
The lorry jack-knifed on the southbound carriageway, near Haggs, at 0430 BST, leaving the 45-year-old driver with serious back injuries.
Central Scotland Police said about 400 chickens were killed in the incident.
Police suspect fowl play. OK, that was terrible.It took police and specialist chicken handlers from Noble Foods nearly nine hours to clear the scene as hundreds of the birds ran free in the accident area.
A spokesman for Noble Foods said: "This is a very unfortunate accident, however our first priority is to ensure the driver's welfare and recovery and then deal with the chickens in the most humane way possible.
"All the live birds have been rounded up and are going to be directed to a local Scottish abattoir to minimise any further delays." LOL!
One of the escapees.
One has a sweet taste and is the perfect accompaniment to sushi, another is "distinctively soft" and goes with salads.
Another variety is said to be a favourite of the Pope himself.
These drinks don't come from a wine list - they are part of a collection of the world's finest bottled mineral water with the most expensive costing the equivalent of £50 a litre!!!!
Claridge's is launching a water list next month, with 30 brands from as far afield as the icebergs of Newfoundland, the volcanoes of New Zealand and the Nilgiris Mountains in India.
Ahem. It's WATER for fuck's sake! This whole bottled water industry is a scam! *Shakes head in shame*.
Freaky!
Performance artists are known for pushing the bounderies, but one Australian has astonished his contemporaries by having a third ear implanted onto his arm.
The Cypriot-born eccentric Stelios Arcadious spent 10 years searching for a surgeon willing to perform the controversial operation.
Mr Arcadious said he thought art "should be more than simply illustrating ideas." Once the ear has fully developed he hopes to get a microphone implanted as well."I hope to have a tiny microphone implanted to it that will connect with a bluetooth transmitter; that way you can listen to what my ear is hearing."
The Russian government has banned a photograph showing two policemen kissing each other passionately in a Siberian forest from going on display in Paris.
The image shot among the snow-covered forest of birch trees shows the two men, in full uniform, kissing on the lips and holding each other by the buttocks. The durrrrrty bastads!
Its creators claim it is a homage to the British graffit artist Banksy but the work proved too controversial for culture minister Alexander Sokolov.
Man on market stall shouting "BLOW UP DOLLS £40."
Bloke goes up to him and says: "hey I bought one of those off you yesterday and it went down me."
Man on market stall shouts: "BLOW UP DOLLS £80."
Aww bless 'im
Swiss police were called out to wake up a pensioner who fell asleep behind the wheel of his car while he waited at a red light.
Urs Maurer, 78, had stopped his car at traffic lights in Bottmingen but fell asleep as he waited for them to change to green.
Drivers behind him blowing their horns and banging on his window were unable to wake him and eventually called out police who managed to open his car doors.
He told officers he had just eaten a big lunch and had felt sleepy as he came to the traffic lights.
He has had his licence confiscated while police investigate.
Northern Rock Warning - The crisis continues
The knock on from the US sub-prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.
Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.
Spotty Spice
Yuck! All that money and her forehead still looks like it belongs in a "join-the-dots" book.
If your partner serves you bangers and mash you're about to be dumped.
The dish topped a poll of foods people are most likely to cook before a break-up.
But if the meal is steak and chips look out, your loved one wants a big favour.
The online poll of 1,000 people was conducted by cookware firm Le Creuset.
Boring Brits are being urged to get busy in the bedroom in a bid to lift the UK off the European sex scrap heap.
The UK came bottom in Europe for frequency of sex in a new global sex survey.
Now countrymen and women are being urged to get in touch with their sexuality - and no longer be the butt of jokes from our continental neighbours.
Shyness is one of the reasons why we just ain't getting no satisfaction – as we are the most reserved in Europe when it comes to telling our partners what really turns us on.
And while we just ain't getting much – we do have our secret, kinky side.
According to the latest wave of findings in the Durex Global Sexual Wellbeing Survey we have the least sex in Europe – only 63% getting it on once a week.
That puts us behind the global average of 67%, while our neighbours in France (77%) and Germany (75%) have much more to smile about – not to mention the lusty Greeks (89%).
Less than half of us (49%) are comfortable with expressing our fantasies and desires with our partners, compared with 76% of Greeks and 74% of Spanish.
On a global scale, only the Japanese are less open in love (21%).
It's not for want of trying, however, as 67% of us want more sex, while 62% complain that what we are getting just isn't exciting enough.
Adding insult to injury, here's what some of our European neighbours say about our reputation in the sack. Nathalie, 35, an office worker from Paris: "I've never slept with a Brit, but I imagine it would be an experience much like standing naked on an iceberg in the rain. They show no passion." Sounds familiar.
Ruth Gresty from Durex said: "Immediate action is what is needed to get us off the bottom of the heap.
"We are not for one moment suggesting that Brits should be more promiscuous – just love the ones you love a little more often – and with a little more imagination."
How long do you spend on sex?
Nigeria 24.0 mins
Greece 22.3 mins
Mexico 22.1 mins
Brazil 21.4 mins
Italy 20.4 mins
South Africa 20.0 mins
China 19.9 mins
Malaysia 19.9 mins
Netherlands 19.5 mins
Switzerland 18.9 mins
UK 16.3 mins
Wabby-2 mins
Grisly
An aspiring horror novelist was arrested after police discovered his girlfriend's torso in his closet, a leg in the refrigerator and bones in a cereal box, the city prosecutor's spokesman said Thursday.
Police suspect he may have been responsible for two other mutilation murders as well.
Thee spokesman said Jose Luis Calva told police he had boiled some of his girlfriend's flesh, but that he hadn't eaten it. So that's alright then.
He said investigators were trying to determine if the chunks of fried meat found in a pan in the apartment were human.
The spokesman also confirmed other details about the crime scene released by the prosecutor's office Wednesday night: that body parts were spread throughout the apartment, and that Calva is being investigated in a total of three killings of women whose mutilated bodies had been found in and around the capital.
Calva told police he was a writer and poet - officers found the draft of a novel titled 'Cannibalistic Instincts,' the spokesman said.
Calva tried to escape when officers entered his apartment, but was struck by a car and had not yet recovered enough to give a statement to police, according to the prosecutors office. He was still hospitalized on Thursday, the spokesman said.
Police had come to Calva's apartment Monday to investigate the disappearance of his girlfriend, Alejandra Galeana, a 30-year-old pharmacy clerk and single mother. Her family had reported her missing on Friday and told police of her relationship with Calva.
Galeana's dismembered body was discovered in a closet; a leg and flesh from an arm were in the refrigerator, and arm bones were inside a cereal box, the prosecutor's office said.
After his arrest was shown on television, Martinez's mother went to police saying Calva had also been her boyfriend, and showed officers a picture of them together. Her daughter's body was found chopped to pieces on the city's outskirts, the prosecutor's office said.
Neighbor Fermin Cruz, 41, lived several floors below Calva, and said he 'seemed ill humored at times,' adding, 'one time he slammed the door on me.'
Thursday, October 11, 2007
If you hate Richard Branson as much as I do you'll love this
It was not the most auspicious start for a new business venture - crashing into the side of a building in mid-air before the gaze of hundreds of journalists.
But that's what happened when Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson's latest marketing stunt went wrong.
The twat had gathered the world's media to Las Vegas for a typically daredevil stunt to launch his latest multi-billion dollar enterprise - an extension of his low-cost airline Virgin America.
The Virgin chief executive had dressed up specially for the occasion in a tuxedo and bowtie.
The plan had been for him to throw himself off the Palms Casino Hotel tower on a bungee.
During the jump, he was to throw a fistful of free airline tickets to the onlookers.
At the top of the Tower at the Palms Casino Resort, the entrepreneur is shown giving a thumbs up before leaping off, attached to a cable.
But it went very awry when he was catapulted back against the building half way down the 407ft drop.
The impact left him slightly dishevelled and not a little embarrassed after the impact ripped the trousers of his dinner suit.
A clear tear could be seen on the seat of the trousers as he dangled from the cable, before he was unhooked from the harness by Virgin staff.
The crowd held its breath and suppressed its giggles as he landed.
Why the glum face? lol
Kinda sweet
The story of John Mortimer's romantic friendship with a schoolboy which led to him being sent down from Oxford in disgrace has been told for the first time.
His biographer Valerie Grove pieced together the relationship between Mortimer and his "dear boy" Bosie from letters written by the author, kept in the archives of Leeds University Library.
The actual ones that Oxford felt incriminated Mortimer, and meant he was asked to leave, were destroyed and he has never spoken publicly about the affair.
A letter from Mortimer written in August 1942 to fellow undergraduate Michael Hamburger referred to an unnamed scandal.
It said: "I am terribly sorry to have got you into all this. I was a bloody fool."
Professor Hamburger, a distinguished poet, later wrote about the incident in his memoirs.
He wrote how a friend had invited two boys still at his public school to Oxford, where the group all met.
Another friend "who I had taken to be heterosexual, conceived a violent passion for one of the two boys", he wrote.
"In one of his letters to the boy, which had been intercepted by the boy's headmaster, my friend had written: Michael Hamburger sends his love."
This reference to him in the letter meant he was summoned before the Dean of Christ Church and given a grilling, he added.
The friend was Mortimer, and the schoolboy Quentin Edwards, a sixth-former at Bradfield College.
In 1941, the two undergraduates and two schoolboys had been punting in Oxford together and gone to the ballet.
Mortimer has given Edwards a copy of Shakespeare's sonnets and then written him a series of letters.
Mr Edwards, 80, a distinguished retired circuit judge, told the Times they were the sort of letters "you would hate anyone else to read".
He said they were "addressed to 'My Dear Boy', couched in rather romantic terms, like Oscar Wilde's letters to Bosie with amusing jokes about undergraduates masturbating in their rooms".
Sixty-five years on, both parties insist it was a youthful crush, rather than a physical relationship.
"We'd been to single-sex public schools where people form romantic friendships which are not really quite homosexual," Mr Edwards said.
The letters had been discovered in the boy's desk by his housemaster and passed to the headmaster. Both assumed the pair were having a sexual relationship.
Edwards was told not to return to the school for the next term and the Dean of Christ Church was also informed.
The headmaster also said that, in his opinion, the letters had no literary merit.
He said: "You needn't think this man's got any real ability."
Mortimer told The Times that he didn't think he was sent down from Oxford but was "invited not to come back".
"It was hysterical, the reaction. My father was very understanding and now everybody says what a nonsense it was."
He added that the affair had "not featured very largely in my mind... but I have always battled against all sorts of hypocrisy."
Oooh I bet was a looker back in the days....hell, I'd do him even now (as long as I'm suitably high on drugs). lolHaving vodka administered intravenously sounds like an alcoholic's dream but apparently it's also a lifesaver!
Australian doctors kept a man alive after he consumed large quantities of a poisonous substance - by giving him an intravenous feed of vodka.
The 24-year-old Italian tourist, in an apparent bid at self-harm, had swallowed ethylene glycol, found in antifreeze, which can cause death. Doctors administered pure alcohol, the conventional antidote, but exhausted the hospital's supply.
Desperate to continue the treatment the doctors at Mackay Base Hospital in Queensland state hooked up an intravenous feed of vodka, hospital officials said.
'The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit,' Dr Todd Fraser said in a statement on Wednesday.
'Fortunately for him he was in a medically-induced coma for a good portion of that. By the time he woke up I think his hangover would have well and truly gone,' Fraser said.
'The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka.'
The Italian man was treated in the hospital two months ago and has since made a successful recovery.
Devil Woman!
A 95 year old woman from Zhanjiang, south China, has sprouted a 12 centimetre long horn on her forehead.
The horn first grew in 2003 and has grown progressively bigger and bigger, taking over the woman's face.
Doctors are baffled by the protrusion - and can only speculate that Xiou Ling is suffering a hormone imbalance.
Humans will soon be shagging robots
A British scientist claims humans and cyborgs will tie the knot in the not too distant future.
Artificial intelligence researcher David Levy was awarded a PhD today by a Dutch university for his thesis, Intimate Relationships With Artificial Partners.
He believes marriages to robots will become common.The thesis examines changing attitudes towards the meaning of marriage and the development of robotics.
He says in the past that people only showed affection for other humans, but that this has now expanded to include pets and even robotic dogs.
This trend will eventually lead to humans loving sophisticated robots, Mr Levy argues.
I think I've already shagged a robot- my ex! He was the perfect android: he was devoid of personality and any kind of human emotion; he only needed a few shakes of his dick and he was done; and once when he came over to my place, he was out the door 2 minutes after he'd cum! Tsk! I felt like such a whore!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Thought for the day
Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away.
An HIV awareness video from the BBC was branded 'disgusting' and 'degrading' by parent and media groups.
The video – starring GI Jonny and Captain Bareback – is animated with action hero figures and features explicit references to unusual sexual practices along with the need for safe sex. It even contains slogans such as "pull her ring". *Cough*
National Confederation of Parent Teachers Associations Margaret Morrissey said (after fainting): 'I'm no Mary Whitehouse but this is just disgusting. I think the BBC needs to have a long hard look at itself if it thinks this is the best education it can provide for our teenagers with licence payers' money.'
National spokesman of campaign group Media Watch UK David Turtle said: 'This film is degrading to women and encourages casual sex and normalises certain kinds of unusual sexual behaviour.
There is no hint of a loving relationship in this film. It is highly irresponsible of the BBC.'
Excuse me? How DARE you say fisting is unusual. I love the feeling of fullness when my boyfriend fists me (sometimes both fists at the same time), all the while saying how much he loves me. Of course I'm only joking. Oops, I fink I just let out a nugget. lol
A tennis coach accused of have a sexual relationship with her 13-year-old pupil today admitted wearing the child's knickers.
Liverpool Crown Court heard that when police searched Claire Lyte's home they discovered the pink underwear in a gift bag containing massage oil and lotions.
Lyte told the court she did not realise she was wearing them even though they contained the girl's name.
She said: "I wouldn't knowingly wear a pair of her pants with her name tag in them.
"That's what's confusing, that I put them on and didn't notice the name tag."
Lyte - once ranked in tennis's top 500 until injury ended her career - claimed the knickers were innocently left at her house when she had been looking after the girl. Oh yeah, that seems plausible.
Filthy lesbo tennis coach. Stop denying you have been playing ping pong with the girl's clit!
Mona Lisa may have kept her smile but she's definitely lost her looks in this funny take on the iconic masterpiece.
The painting 'Mona Lisau' by Austrian Artist Nino Holm is at the exhibition 'The Pig in the Arts' at the Museum Kloster Asbach in Rotthalmuenster, Germany.
The exhibition forms part of 80 events taking place in the course of the culture.
Funny how in all the tabloid reports of Diana's inquest and of the jurors visiting the scene of the crash and lapping it up at the Ritz etc, somehow Skinny-ass Spice (Victoria), in an outfit that would make Big Bird from Sesame Street green with envy, manages to get a mention- simply for being in Paris at the same time! If I see that bony ass one more time I'm going to scream!
You ARE allowed to say it's shit, you know
I watched Kylie's new music video this morning for her song "2 Hearts". Sorry to say, it was crap! It sounds like the Scissor Sisters have been meddling.
I'll post it as soon as I find it.
I really get annoyed when just about everyone says how "amazing" it is. Hello? Have people lost their objectivity? Of course it's lovely that she's in remission from tit cancer (after all, bitch did get the best treatment money can buy) and attempting to make a spectacular comeback, but don't think that just because it's Kylie, you are obliged to like it.
Aww boingy boingy!
A KANGAROO caused havoc as it hopped onto a racing track in Australia – in the middle of a high speed race.
The hopping mad marsupial bounced onto the tarmac in Bathurst, New South Wales, and jumped amongst the cars as they whizzed by.
At least 10 speeding V8 motors swerved and braked to avoid the blundering animal, which almost came a cropper when one clipped it.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
A Bartlesville man found that giving a police officer a “wet willie” after his arrest Thursday was not such a good idea.
According to court records, Louis Carlos Perales, 38, picked up an additional charge of assault and battery on a police officer after he put his finger in his mouth and then into an officer’s ear. Yuck!
Perales was already under arrest for threats to kill and public intoxication at the time of the incident.
Dublin personal ads
How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin News: Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.