Posted by Wabby at Friday, November 30, 2007 0 comments
Friday, November 30, 2007
Help me decide which camera to buy!!!!
Arghhh with so many digital cameras on the market, how am I supposed to choose the right one? Help meeeeeee!
1) Canon IXUS 70 Digital Camera - Silver (7.1MP, 3x Optical Zoom) 2.5" LCD (£120.00)
2)Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ3 Digital Camera - Black (7.2MP, 10x Optical Zoom) Antishake, 3.0" LCD (£188.15)
3) Canon IXUS 860 IS Digital Camera - Silver (8.0MP, 3.8x Optical Zoom) 3.0" LCD (£212.60)
I'm leaning towards the Panasonic, because of the optical zoom and wide lens and the fact that the reviews have been pretty good. The downside is that it's a bit chunky, but then I'm hardly going to be carrying it around everywhere. What do you think? (Yeah right. As if anyone is going to respond. lol)
So that British teacher has been imprisoned for 15 days in Sudan and everyone in the UK remain incensed? OK, it's not the best position to be in, but for fuck's sake, be thankful her ass wasn't publicly whipped! That would have been a lot worse, and would have justifiably attracted a public outcry and admonishment against the Sudanese government/religious clerics/crazy people in charge.
Whale curry, anyone?
With the Japanese whaling fleet steaming towards Antarctica, one entrepreneur is determined to get his countrymen turned on to the mammal's meat.
It sounds nasty, but whale curry is being sold as a takeaway lunch to office workers in central Tokyo.
It is attracting curious customers who seldom eat the meat amid an international row over hunting the giant mammals.
Kazue Kurosawa, a 42-year-old accountant, said she 'wanted to try something rare'.And that just about sums up the attitude of the entire population of Eastern Asia. Tut.
POW!
A thriving spectator sport in China, Indonesia, the Philippines and South Korea, where smaller horses are pitted against bigger animals to ensure a bloodbath.
Sickos!
A daily glass of pomegranite juice can act like Viagra, new research shows.
Nearly half the men who drank it (22) for a month in the American study said they found it easier to rise to the occasion.
It is thought the juice is rich in antioxidants which increase blood supply to the willy.
Just like drugs for impotence, the antioxidants raise levels of nitric oxide, which relaxes blood-vessel walls.
Better start guzzling, boys. I've got a litre hooked up to my veins already.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
So, the British teacher was found guilty of insulting Islam in Sudan and sentenced to 15 days' imprisonment. Damn, I was looking forward to seeing red/white/yellow welts on her ample buttocks.
A police hunt has been launched for a man who has posted video clips of himself apparently wanking in shops.
Calling himself 'Baseball Playa', more than 30 clips have put online, showing the 21-year-old college student pleasuring himself in the food aisles.
'We are working closely with the Glendale police department to check its validity but to date we have not reports of this incident, but we're just working with partners at Glendale police department,' said Josh Hendricks, an official the Arrowhead Towne Centre, in Glendale.
Has anyone seen it? Send it to meeeee!
Lots of men like cars but one motorhead has taken things to a new level after being found 'pleasuring himself' on a car roof.
Sandy Wong was discovered wanking on roofs of classic cars on display at the Home and Garden Show, in Edmonton, Alberta.
'Mr Wong is a sex offender. That is what he is. He probably also loves to bathe in a bath full of egg-fried rice, but who am I to judge?' said prosecutor Kimberly Goddard.
He was sentenced to 90 days and put on probation for two years.
Whore does her bit for the community
A Chilean whore has auctioned 27 hours of sex for about $4,000 to raise money for a national charity.
Maria Carolina auctioned her services as part of a annual fund-raising campaign, the Chilean equivalent of Comic Relief, but it's hard to imagine Terry Wogan doing something similar.
'There are people who are going to be donating money that's a lot more questionable than mine. The only thing I did was publicise it,' she said.
The money was raised during the two day 'Teleton' for a charity which helps poor and disabled children.
Prostitution is legal in the country but the organiser of the event has criticised her fundraising activities, but will still accept the money.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Article on breaking up
Metro:
So, our playboy prince is off the hook. Harry's long suffering girlfriend, Chelsy, took him back last week after he repeatedly begged her for forgiveness and promised to change his partying ways. A close friend of the Zimbabwean blonde said that Chelsy always planned to take him back – she just wanted him to sweat a bit.
But be warned: throwing around ultimatums is a dangerous game, says Emma Taylor, one half of New York-based author and columnist duo Em & Lo. 'They might not agree to your terms and may think it's better to end the relationship,' says Taylor. 'It's got to be a dealbreaker that you really mean.'
Staying friends
If things don't turn out as royally for you as they have for Chelsy, then take a look at Em & Lo's latest book, Buh-Bye: The Ultimate Guide To Dumping And Getting Dumped (Chronicle, £8.99). It includes sob stories sadder than your own, helpful tips on break-up etiquette and an A-to-Z selection of terms related to a break-up, such as 'frexes' (that's exes who are friends, by the way).
Let's take the worst-case scenario – you've just been dumped. Your first course of action according to the 'how to get over a break-up in ten easy steps' section, should be to numb the pain (with a box of wine).
Then put your heartbreak into perspective (through volunteer work) and then have a rebound fling. Very few people have died from a breakup,' says Taylor. 'You will carry on living and you will fall in love again.'
Emily Dubberley, author of The Ex-Factor (Fusion Press, £10.99), outlines the five stages of grieving as identified by counselling expert Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
'It's easy to get stuck on any of the first four stages but you need to move through them all if you're going to move on,' says Dubberley. And remember – there is always someone who has been through a worse break-up than you. Taylor says: 'A good friend of mine went to a family funeral and, while she was there, her boyfriend moved all his stuff out of their flat and then left her a note on the back of a shopping list.'
Thea Newcomb, the creator of www.soyouvebeendumped.com, has heard hundreds of horror stories. 'One girl was dumped by her boyfriend of six years on a cruise,' she says. 'He planned to do it on the last night but completed the task on the first night – which also happened to be her birthday. Talk about wrong timing and location.
Roll in the hay
'Another woman arrived back in Scotland after a two-week trip to California. Her boyfriend showed up on her doorstep, they had a roll in the hay and then he sighed, shook his head and said, “I could totally fall in love with you, but I'm thinking of becoming a priest.” Then he started dating another girl and married her.'
Tim, 34, from Coventry, was crushed when his girlfriend dumped him. 'More so because I had just proposed,' he says. 'She said she wasn't ready for marriage and then took it as an opportunity to say she wasn't actually that happy. It was a long, quiet journey back from Italy.'
But not everyone is so heartless and, sometimes, those who instigate the break-up often feel heartbroken, too. 'It's natural to think a lot about the person you've just dumped,' says Taylor. 'It's also normal to miss them but, as the weeks go by, it's likely you will feel the waves of relief wash over you.'
If you are thinking of doing the deed, bear this in mind: there is no right way to do it – but there's lots of ways you shouldn't do it, adds Taylor. 'Don't break up right after sex or after particularly kinky sex. Don't do it after booking a holiday, introducing them to your parents or after incredibly intimate, faceholding sex. In the lead-up, don't do anything that will give them hope or expectations for the future.'
And certainly don't use a cheesy line, says Newcomb, adding: 'One of the worst I've heard was, “My feelings for you just plateaued.”'
Two Women have just arrived in Heaven and are chatting at the Pearly Gates.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!!
Platter of crap, anyone?
It's hard to think of a medical procedure more gruesome or unlikely - feeding shit to someone to ward off a superbug.
But when grandmother Ethel McEwan, 83, contracted the potentially fatal Clostridium Difficile, doctors used the unpleasant technique to fight bacteria.
'When you tell people about the treatment, they wrinkle their noses,' she admitted.
The proceedure is known as a 'faecal transplant' and doctors used her daughter's poo. They liquidised them before feeding them directly into her stomach through a tube.
The treatment restores bacteria to manageable levels.
'It's not like they put it on a plate and have you eat it,' a recovered Ms McEwan added.
'People will have a blood transplant or a kidney transpant - what's the difference with this?'
Crazy judge
A judge in America was removed from the bench on Tuesday for jailing 46 people after none of them would admit to having a cell phone that began ringing during his court session.
Judge Robert Restaino, of Niagara Falls, New York, 'snapped' and 'engaged in what can only be described as two hours of inexplicable madness' during the 2005 session, Raoul Felder, chairman of the state Commission on Judicial Conduct, wrote in the decision to remove the judge.
Restaino, who became a full-time judge in 2002, was hearing domestic violence cases when a phone rang.
'Everyone is going to jail,' the judge said.
Every single person is gong to jail in this courtroom unless I get that instrument now. If anybody believes I'm kidding, ask some of the folks that have been here for a while. You are all going.'
When no one came forward, the judge ordered the group into custody and they were taken by police to the city jail, where they were searched and packed into crowded cells. Fourteen people who could not post bail were shackled and bused to the Niagara County Jail, a 30-minute drive away.
Mutilated cuddly toys
Animal and cute toy lovers look away now.
A toy designer has come up with a gory end for teddy bears and other cuddly animal toys.
The first to be launched is Twitch, the Roadkill Teddy, which comes complete with opaque plastic body bag to keep the maggots out and attached to its twitching toe is an identity bag giving details of its demise.
According to its tag it was run over over by a milk float last Thursday, near the Hangar Lane Giratory system in London.
The toy's innards and blood can be stuffed in and out of his body. A zip on each side contains the blood and guts.
Its eyes are goggling, tongue is lolling around and a tyre print runs across its back.
The toys' creators, Compost Communications, have styled themselves 'toy terrorists' and according to their website: 'We squash and burn and bludgeon and maim. But we're also toy fanatics like you. We love toys.'
Toy creator Adam Arber, 33, from London, said: 'I got the idea from looking at my mother-in-law's dog which is quite ugly and I thought it would make a great toy. A friend of mine had taken some pictures of road kill and the two things gelled into one idea.'
Mr Arber, who works in advertising and who has been creating the toys in his spare time, said: 'I asked my mother-in-law and wife what they thought. I thought they might be upset but they just laughed.'
He said he thought the toys, which cost £25, would appeal to people with a sense of humour and 'probably not anyone easily upset'.
He said coming soon were other characters including Grind the rabbit, Splodge the hedgehog and Pop the weasel and likely gruesome scenarios would include death by being run over by kebab vans and golf buggies.
The toys go on sale this weekend at Play Lounge in London and from mid-December on roadkilltoys.com.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Click to enlarge.
I've posted this before but since I'm fast running out of material, I thought I'd post it again. Muahahaha. Hey, I'm not doing anything that the BBC haven't been doing for years!
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:
'$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!"
For Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard their 'Brief Encounter' involved nothing more than a few furtive glances and a plaintive farewell.
But a couple in Denmark were altogher more amorous, forcing passengers to stand in the cold as they casually had sex in the waiting room.
Passengers freezing on the platform at Koge station, south of Copenhagen, complained to police when they found the couple making love.
'We don't know if it's due to the glacial weather this morning or to unbridled passion, but a couple did not hesitate in having sexual relations in a waiting room at the Koge train station,' said Carsten Andersen, a police spokesman.
Police intervened and told the couple to take themselves and their passion back home with them.
'I guess they weren't real Vikings because they remained dressed,' Mr Andersen added.
'That's why we didn't charge them with indecency.'
Meet Taffy, the puppy with a penchant for panties!
Taffy scoffed a pair of Bob The Builder undies, owned by the owner's 3-year-old son Liam (God, I hope they were clean. 3-year-old boys are not known for wiping their arses properly).
Unfortunately for Taffy, the gunky pair of undies got lodged in his stomach and had to have emergency surgery. Don't worry folks- Taffy is now back to full health i.e. sniffing out more grubby undies.
Teacher is gonna get whooped!
Oh dear, this British teacher is going to get whacked- all for allowing her class to call a teddy bear Muhammad.
I do feel sickened at the thought of a barbaric judicial system inflicting such a cruel and humiliating punishment.
Bitch is going to get lashed in public. One lash is bad enough, but 40 is going to be agonising and traumatising for the rest of her days.
However, who the fuck are WE to condemn Sudan? If you go to a country, you obey their rules. We may not agree with their ideology but that's beside the point.
The best thing her family and friends can do is hire a decent lawyer, and failing that, a flotation device in the shape of a hoop for her to sit on
afterwards.
This is what she can look forward to. *Shudders*
Forget buying your little child a fluffy rabbit, guinea pig or puppy. This boy prefers a more slithery creature- a 20ft Burmese python called Lucky!
The pair have struck up a remarkable friendship since Lucky came out of a forest in Cambodia when he was a baby.
Mum Kim Kanara said: “We try to return her to the forest but she refuses to leave.
"Each time we find her curled up with Sambath again. They’ve slept together every night for six years.” Kinky!
Sambath said: “I love the python like my sister.
"She protects me from danger.”
Maybe Lucky is just waiting for Sambath to fatten up a bit so he'll be a more substantial meal to gobble.
Can someone please shove a javelin through my haggard body? These bitches I work with are doing my head in!!! It's funny how much effort women put into buying presents. One of the ladies in the office is quite nice and it's her birthday today. The two bitches in the office have put soooo much thought into her present- a pair of earrings. I didn't know there were so many variables involved in picking such a gift- the shape of her face; the colour of her eyes; her skin tone; her wrinkles; her clothes; her shoes; the shade of urine in her colostomy bag. The list just goes on.
If any women are reading this, please take note: if you buy a present for a man, don't put too much thought or effort into it because the chances are, he won't appreciate it. Men are not programmed to be so sentimental.
Oh wow, she's just brought in a gorgeous cake! My minge is fizzing with excitement here! lol
Monday, November 26, 2007
The woman whose voice can be heard across the Underground has been axed after recording a series of spoof messages revealing what she really thought of Tube travellers.
Emma Clarke, the voice of the Underground who has been advising people to 'Mind the Gap' since 1999, recorded a series of spoof messages in her trademark soft and clear style.
The professional voiceover artist lets rip at the type of people she thinks sum up the misery of Tube travel.
But now the parent company of the Tube, TfL, has made an announcement of its own, calling Ms Clarke 'silly' and cutting future contracts with her.
In one of the messages, she says: “Would the passenger in the pinstripe suit and £1000 glasses who obviously works in the media please take one step forward on to the track as the train arrives. Thank you.”Listen to it HERE!
Another cheerfully states: “Here we are again, crammed into a sweaty tube carriage. And today's Wednesday - only two more days until you can binge drink yourself into a state of denial about the mediocrity of you life. Oh, for God's sake, if you're female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He probably hasn't had sex for months.”
American tourists are mocked for talking too loudly while sudoku puzzles are ridiculed as “crosswords for the unimaginative.” She also takes a shot at men trying to sneak at look at women's breasts.
“Would the passenger in the red shirt pretending to read a paper but who is actually staring at that woman's chest please stop. You're not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert.”
A Tfl spokesman said: "Some of the spoof announcements are very funny. But Emma is a bit silly to go around slagging off her client's services. London Underground is sorry to have to announce that further contracts for Miss Clarke are experiencing severe delays."
The Chinese Edward Scissorhands
A barber in China has set a world record by cutting a customer's hair with 10 pairs of scissors simultaneously.
Wang Zedong, 41, of Jiujiang city, Jiangxi province, demonstrated his stunt in a television studio with hundreds of people, and Guinness officials, in the audience.
In less than three minutes, Wang cut the model's hair, reports Zhejiang Online.
Wang says he started practicing this stunt to try to cope with the number of customers coming to his barber's shop.
"At first, many customers had to wait more than an hour in my shop, so I had to find a way of cutting hair more efficiently," he said.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo
CORPORATE MEMO
To: All Staff
Date: November 26
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
basically
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit
obviously
to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark
value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
essentially
hit the nail on the head,
having said that
ya know what I'm say'n
at the end of the day
touch base
he goes/she goes
client focus(ed)
paradigm
I'm like
leverage
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
So cute! It's Mootastic!
It's enough to make art critics weep – an artist is milking the limelight by painting masterpieces with cows in them. Caroline Shotton's replicas include The Moona Lisa, Cow with the Pearl Earring and The Moo.
Her collection – which also includes The Laughing Cowvalier, The Persistence of Moomery and The Smooch – is currently on display at Castle Galleries in Birmingham's Mailbox.
Don't mess with angry lesbos!
A lesbian couple admitted murdering a British teenager and dumping her body in a wheelie bin — because she irritated them.
Jobless Jessica Stasinowsky, 20, and girlfriend Valerie Parashumti, 19, battered Stacey Mitchell over the head with a concrete slab, a court heard.
Stacey, 16 — who emigrated with her family in 2001 from West Moors, Dorset — was staying with the lesbians. They killed her when she “pushed their buttons”. I thought lesbians would welcome a push, pull or tweak of their buttons.
Cops found her body in a boiling hot shed 12 hours after her parents Sophie and Ian reported her missing on December 17 last year.
The killers — who considered chopping up Stacey with a chainsaw — admitted wilful murder.
I've had a horrible night's sleep. I had a blazing row with the ex. Well, it was conducted in the safe havens of instant messenger, but nevertheless, my face did resemble a gooseberry by the end of it.
It started off OK, but then I just started to get annoyed. He was acting as though nothing had ever happened between us. It was most disconcerting. I finally confronted him and I obviously made him very uncomfortable and he said he'd have to leave. I said it sounded like he was trying to run away and then he said: "Look, I'm really sorry, but I am running away 'cause you're starting to annoy me. There. That's honesty for ya." And then he signed out.
Well, I officially hate him now, which will now probably make it easier for me to get over him. Time to go back to the cold-hearted whore I was known and loved as in my previous life. I'm going to delete his number, email address, and anything else which reminds me of his emotionally immature ass.
Date, anyone? lol
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Criminal mastermind caught by latest bum recognition technology
A man has been sentenced to 16 years in prison after being identified by a mark on his buttocks.
Aaron Williams, 28, was caught on CCTV camera stabbing a victim in a shop in Kentish Town, London, last September.
No fingerprints or DNA samples were found at the scene, and no eyewitnesses were able to identify Williams and his accomplice. The pair were wearing hoods.
However, CCTV footage from the newsagents showed the heavyset Williams bending over to strike blows at the victim.
As he leaned over, a distinctive birthmark could be seen on his buttocks. When he was arrested police took a picture of the mark, and a dermatology professor later matched it to the CCTV image. The mark was described in court as 'unique'.
Class all the way
It was a wedding Homer Simpson would have been proud of.
A couple decided to tie the knot in the doughnut shop where they met.
Instead of exchanging ringed doughnuts, Cyndi LaRose, 49, and Joseph David Smith, 58, swapped rings.
The Honey Dew Doughnut shop in North Kingston, Rhode Island was the sugary setting for the ceremony.
The pair fell in love a few weeks ago, and thought about having the wedding on a beach, but decided it would be too cold.
'I don't even own a dress,' said the bride. 'You couldn't get me in a tie,' said the groom.
Faraq Mohamed, the shop's owner, greeted customers with a simple question: 'Coffee or the wedding?'
A former judge conducted the ceremony while the shop's regulars were witnesses.
For their honeymoon, the couple planned to go to a casino.
'Nincompoop' has been voted Britain's favourite sounding word.
Used to describe a 'foolish or stupid person', its origins lie in the 17th century - where it possibly sprang from the name 'Nicholas' or 'Nicodemus', a reference to the Pharisee who naively questioned Christ.
A total of 13 per cent of Britons put nincompoop top of their list. The rather less interesting monosyllabic 'love' came second in the poll, followed by similarly straightforward 'mum'.
THOSE FAVOURITE WORDS IN FULL
1.Nincompoop
2.Love
3.Mum
4.Discombobulated (I LOVE this word!)
5.Excellent
6.Happy
7.Squishy
8.Fabulous
9.Cool
10.Onomatopoeia
11.Weekend
12.Incandescent
13.Wicked
14.Lovely
15.Lush
16.Peace
17.Cosy
18.Bed
19.Freedom
20.Kiss
Plonker of the day
I can't believe taxpayers are funding his lavish holiday to India- with an entourage of over 50 delegates! Who does he think he's kidding? He's not doing it in the interests of London. He's doing it for his self-gratification. Kick this bitch out and bring in Boris!
Cute baby bats
Wrapped up in their tiny blankets, the bundles of woe pictured below are surviving on the milk of human kindness.
The orphaned baby fruit bats are being raised at a rescue centre after a plague of poisonous ticks swept through their colony.
Used to snuggling up to their mothers, they need to be kept warm and are fed through teats with a sugary liquid full of nutrients.
Normally adults carry their baby on their back but as those which have been infected slowly die, the youngsters, with no mother to feed them, also perish.
"We walk around the bat colony in the Bush every day and you can hear the young bats crying for their mothers," said Jenny Maclean, who runs the rescue centre on the Atherton Tablelands in northern Queensland.
Terrible joke
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."
Euro 2008 defeat jokes
I hear Oxo are bringing out a special red and white cube to celebrate England's Euro 2008 campaign...
It's called a "laughing stock".
It's in memory of our worst period ever.
What's nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt.
Steve McLaren's tie.
Crazy Aussies!
A couple in Australia got married in minimal clothing today live on air of O 2Day FM.
LOL Look at the father of the bride. He's not happy that his daughter's firm titties are at arm's length. Gwan, give 'em a squeeze. If she's happy to get married naked, I'm sure incest wouldn't be out of the question for this open-minded slut.
OMG, that reminds me. I spoke to a guy online ages ago who was shagging a 17-year-old girl. To say she was a troubled girl is an understatement: she claims to have regularly shagged her dad since the age of 15. When the guy asked her why. Her reply? "Because I was horny". Oh how I laughed. Is that inappropriate of me? lol
Muggers snatched an Austrian woman's handbag unaware that it contained nothing but a dead rabbit.
The two thieves struck as Hilda Morgenstein, 42, was about to catch a train at Baden to the countryside with her daughter to bury the pet.
She said: "They saved us the trip - I told my daughter they were angels (albeit in balaclavas) and were taking bunny to a better place."LOL!
Police are still searching for the pair and the grisly maggot-infested remains of the rabbit.
A Taiwanese lingerie company encouraged all its female office staff to go to work in their panties for the day.
The Audrey Underwear company in Taizhong city named November 21 Camisole Day to celebrate record sales.
All 500 women working in the firm's headquarters were encouraged to wear only camisoles and knickers - much to the excitement of their male colleagues.
"We have been waiting for this day all month. Today, we are super high, and don't know where to put our eyes," salesman Cai Mingda told Straits News.
More than 90% of female workers reportedly went along with the spirit of the day and worked in their underwear.
Zhang Yufeng, 32, a mother of two, admitted: "I have been on a strict diet to get ready for the day. When I was trying on my outfit at home, my husband told me I should dress like this every day."
And Liao Wenshen, 30, added: "The men were red-faced all day, and were becoming so polite to us. It's so funny!"
Huang Bihui, PR manager of the company, explained: "We introduced eight new camisoles into market and sold more than 20,000 in less than two months so we named the 21st as Camisole Day."
Employment lawyers said there was nothing illegal in the move so long as it was voluntary but it had its critics.
Wu Juanyu complained: "Some women may feel forced to join in because of peer pressure and job competition. I don't know if the company is selling underwear or women's bodies."
I hope my workplace doesn't get any funny ideas. As I said before, university staff consist mainly of trolls, dwarves, goblins, socially-inept twats, and women resembling Grotbags. And the thought of seeing my boss in his undies is enough to make me want to gouge out my eyeballs- with an ice-cream scoop!
Six kittens abandoned by their mum have found an unlikely replacement - a pet rabbit.
The tiny kittens were left all alone after their mum decided she couldn't be bothered feeding them.
They were taken in by veterinary nurse Melanie Humble, who thought her own cat would mother them.
But instead they're being cared for by her rabbit Summer.
Now, they've fallen in love with their surrogate mum and refuse to leave her alone. You can almost sense the bunny, brimming with rage.
Melanie, 29, from Aberdeen, said: "It's amazing to see. For some reason they just took to the rabbit instantly and thought she was their mum.
"They started climbing all over her and were looking to get milk from her. She just sat there and let them do it. Yep, that sounds like a wabbit alright.
John Lewis hates Christmas
I was just browsing the John Lewis website when I came across this! An upside-down Christmas tree! Ooooh Santa will be turning in his grave! Oh wait, he's not dead?
There's something quite malevolent about this, rather like the image of an upside-down crucifix. Oh well, happy holidays!
I know what I want from Santa's sack- a Sony DSC T200 digital camera. I was won over by the 3.5 inch TOUCH SCREEN!! It's just so exciting, innit? lol
It is currently priced at £239.95 at Amazon.co.uk, just in case a rich daddy would like to take pity on me.
A young widow goes to doctor for an internal.
Dr says, 'you are still a virgin, but you have been married & widowed 3 times. How's that possible?'
Woman says, 'first husband was an astronomer and all he did was look at it; the 2nd was a psychologist all he did was talk to it; and the 3rd husband was a stamp collector. God I miss him.
Presenting.....Tree Man!
He is known simply as Tree Man.
Since he cut his knee as a teenager, strange roots have been growing out of Dede, a 35-year-old Indonesian fisherman.
Now he is hoping his life can be saved from his bizarre affliction.
The strange growths mean he cannot use his hands. He was sacked from his job and his wife left him.
To help raise his two children, at one point he joined a freak show with other victims of peculiar diseases.
Erm. How did he manage to put his shirt on? Wharraloadofoldcobblers!
Tony Henry belted out nearly all of Lijepa Nasa Domovino (Our Beautiful Homeland) flawlessly in the pouring rain before the vital Euro 2008 qualifier – despite the ill-mannered booing from some England fans in the 90,000 sell-out Wembley crowd.
But instead of singing 'Mila kuda si planina' ('You know my dear how we love your mountains'), he instead sang 'Mila kura si planina', which translates as 'My dear, my penis is a mountain'.
I'm sure that's not too far from the truth, big boy! lol
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Mr Cadbury met Mrs Rowntree in a room
on quality street. It was after eight. He
turned out the light for a bit of black
magic!
He slipped his hand into her snickers &
showed her his curly wurly.
Not keen to have any jelly babies she
let him have her up bournville boulevard.
She screamed with turkish delight! As
he took out his fun-sized mars bar
it felt a bit crunchie & she wanted some
time out but he did a twirl & came in a
very milky way!
Jokes
One morning the boss answered the phone....It was Pat Murphy
"Top of the mornin' boss," said Murphy "I'll not be in to work today,
I'm sick."
The boss was quite annoyed with Murphy, but said, "Well just how
sick are you?"
Murphy replied ....."Well I'm in bed with me sister, ....you tell me!"
--------------------------------------------
Little Sarah came in from school one day and said to her mother........
"Billy Spencer showed me his willy in the playground today."
Before her mother could begin to raise her concern, Little Sarah added
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Sarah's mum breathed a sigh of relief, then hiding a smile said "Really
small was it?"
Sarah replied "No.......salty. !!!!!"
------------------------------------------------------
A Nigerian guy joined the British Army. At a routine MO's check he was
asked to show his todger for inspection. The MO reached out and took
the man's foreskin gently between his fingers, pulled it back, then let it go,
pulled it back again and while muttering away to himself did it several times
Finally, the Nigerian guy says "Sah, if dat what you're doing is for de
Queen and de country, dats ok wid me....... But if it be for my satisfaction,
could you go faster, please sah..!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
Following the recent icy spell, an elderly Irish couple are in hospital today,
being treated for the effects of exposure.
A spokesperson at the hospital said that they had apparently been queueing
outside a theatre in Dublin's city centre for two days and nights hoping to
buy tickets for a play called "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER"
-------------------------------------------------------
An un-named female Irish woman was last night thrown off the set of Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Later a spokesman for the programme explained that she'd not fully understood
the concept of "Fastest Finger First"
--------------------------------------------------------
What do Christmas trees and Catholic priests have in common ???
#
#
#
They both have balls for decoration.
--------------------------------------------------------
A gay bloke was walking through Bristol Zoo and stopped at the gorilla
enclosure after noticing that the gorilla had the most enormous erection
that he'd ever seen in his life. He was so fascinated, that he felt he simply
had touch it.
Looking up and down, he made sure that there were no keepers around,
then he quickly climbed down into the enclosure. Just as he reached out
to touch........WHAM.....the gorilla grabbed him, ripped every shred of
clothing from his body, then picked him up and carried him into the
corner of the compound, where he shagged the arse off him non stop for
three hours before keepers were able to free him.
Two or three days later when his friends Justin and Tristram went to visit
him at Southmead Hospital they asked him if he was hurt
"AM I HURT ?".... he replied . "Wouldn't you be hurt.......he hasn't called,
he hasn't written......................."
The guide to taking a dump at work
Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
Prison Bitch Name Generator
Mine was "Hung like a horse". Ahh if only....
Discrimination At School
Teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'
Glasgow Commonwealth Games
OPENING CEREMONY
The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE EVENTS
Glasgaes previous competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets,hedges,gardens, fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer,(Claw,Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.
SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 - A moving police van.
2 - A Post Office clerk.
3 - A bank teller or Securicor driver.
4 - Their next door neighbour's youngest child.
NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing,joyriding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.
Therefore, for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be judged the winner.
The owners of a clothes shop have been ordered by police to cover up a window display depicting a naked man.
A Gwent Police officer told Flick Sawkins and Angela Harker of Starling Vendetta Boutique in Newport they could be prosecuted unless the body was clothed.
A strategically-placed fig leaf now hides the modesty of the window artwork, reports the BBC.
An online petition has been launched against the cover-up.
Kate Montgomery, 21, who created the artwork, said she was surprised at how much interest it had generated.
The main character of the shop window display - called Keith - had been created for her Fine Art degree course at Newport University,
"To be honest, I can't get my head around how people are being about it, it's really surreal and ridiculous," she said.
When her friends relaunched their shop last month, she agreed to put some of her art in the window, but said she had not expected the reaction she got.
"Some of the old ladies walk past and they do look a bit horrified but most people see it and laugh," she said.
Wardens working for Newport City Council were initially approached by shoppers about the naked figure before the complaint was passed to police.
The shop was then told it faced prosecution under section 5 of the Public Order Act for causing "alarm or distress" unless the art work was censored.
It's probably not a good idea to bring it along on a first date.
Spraying your bits with liquid latex could give a wrong impression.
But that's how to apply the world's first custom-fit condom.
Proud inventor Jan Krause said it dries in seconds ready for action.
And unlike conventional one-size-fits-all versions, there's no problem getting a good fit.
The German boasted: "With our technology we could spray a condom on an erect elephant."
The system works a bit like a car wash. The man puts his penis in a chamber and presses a button to start jets of liquid latex, sucked from a detachable cartridge.
The rubber dries in 20 to 25 seconds and is later rolled off like a normal condom. The aim is to cut the drying time to 10 seconds.
But men who tested the prototype were split in their reactions. Some said it was great because they could not find condoms that fitted them.
But others could not imagine actually using it in the bedroom.
Mr Krause admitted: "There's the romance factor: applying the condom does interfere with the sex act."
Condom Consultancy in Berlin is waiting for a patent for the device. The chamber will cost about £17 and the liquid latex refills, which make 10 to 20 condoms, will be priced from £5 to £7.
A funny email I received in response to my dating ad
hi there, i would like you as a friend, i all so have a fantasy that i think you could help me with, first i would come to your place and we would talk for a little bit then you will ask me to strip naked then you will take me to you bedroom and tie my hands to the bottom of your bed so you will be able to do what you like to me, first you will start suck on my cock and make me cum in your mouth then you will put your cock in my mouth making me give youa blowjob after you have cum in my mouth you will bend me over so you can start fucking me and you will fuck me until you cum and cum,, then you will start wanking me again make me cock hard but this time you will sit on my cock making me fuck you but i will not cum in you you will bring me to the edge of cuming the n stop and then after a little bit start wanking me again then stop so i dont cum and this will go on for 8 or 9 times and when i do cum you will see me out of comtrol from cuming and then you will star all over again if we have the time,,, so i hope you will email me back very soon....craig
LMAO He started off so nicely too: "I would like you as a friend".
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
A girl in China is preparing to undergo surgery to have an extra arm removed from her back.
Ren Xin will have the limb removed by doctors in Beijing next week.
The 11-year-old was born with a third arm on her back. She will have to go through four stages of complicated surgery to have the limb removed.
Thieves shove bottle of Pepsi up victim's ass
The X-ray was taken of a 60-year-old man who checked himself into Nishtar Hospital in Multan, Pakistan.
He sought treatment because he claimed thieves had inserted a Pepsi bottle into his anus before stealing two of his buffalo.
He said the robbers were armed and forced the bottle up his ass, according to Dr Abdul Manan, a surgeon at the hospital.
Meetings- what a waste of time!
Why do people always feel the need to have a meeting? Is it to make them feel important or is it just an opportunity to get out of the office? People who ask for meetings make me nervous. Why? Because they're obviously concerned that they won't be able to clearly communicate their issues in writing (i.e. their mind is in a complete muddle).
Some bitch wants a meeting with Fat Ass (that's my boss) and I about contracts in general. Why can't the lazy whore just read a book, or Google it, or do some other research?
I'm the opposite: I prefer communicating in writing because it helps me to think clearly and therefore I can be concise and direct. All the crap is removed. When you have people talking to you at a meeting, 80% of what they say is completely irrelevant! I then lose concentration and when they tell me important stuff, my mind chooses to ignore it.
Listen up! Have less meetings and learn to fucking communicate clearly in writing! If you want your written communication to be clear, you should ask yourself if a bystander were to read the email/letter etc over your shoulder, would they understand it? If not- start again!
Argh, I'm so grumpy today! Someone make me an Ovaltine!
Amusing dating ad of the day
Hey guys,
27 and i just love wearing the mrs (sic) undies. She has a great selection, and i think my big boi looks good in them!
Looking to trade pics and chat about the frills of the thong! I will not meet for anal, sucking etc, only dressing (undies only, i dont do make up etc) i cant accom but can travel or do cars.
Your pic gets mine (those with panties on go to top of the pile) ;-)
email now!
gaz
An Italian sweet shop owner has been fined after making chocolate copies of a local porn star's proudest asset.
Bologna police told Teresa Conti, 40, to melt down the chocolate version of blue movie actor Rocco Siffredi's penis.
They said numerous passersby with children had complained of the confectionery organs on display in the window.
She was fined £150 for promoting indecency.
Conti said: "I only did it to get one up over my rivals and the displays in their chocolate shops."
Want to join the mile high club?
Look no further. THIS company arranges flights, specifically for those who want to shag on a plane.
Er. Who's going to get horny in that plane?
Give me Singapore Airlines any day! That's a lot classier than a plane reminiscent of Wacky Races!
Arghhhhh I'm fucking freezing in the office 'cause my menopausal work colleague wants the window open. My nipples can cut diamonds now. Fucking bitch just browses the net all day and does no work, and she's still a moody, cold-blooded cunt every morning. Grrrrr!
What did I ever see in him?
Yeah, I was definitely only ogling the bod in Casino Royale, but that face just sends shivers down my ass. Not the good kind of shiver either. He looks so cold and unemotional, rather like my Malaysian accomplice, Kpy. I want to see a kind and generous face, 'cause a fag like me needs a rich daddy to keep me in Manolos and Lancome, instead of Shoe Express and 99p moisturiser from Superdrug.
The prison uniform has become all too familiar to Mike Tyson.
But not, perhaps, the pink handcuffs and socks.
The final humiliation for the one-time "baddest man on the planet" came yesterday courtesy of Joe Arpaio, the self-styled toughest sheriff in America who believes pink has a psychological calming effect.
Mr Arpaio, who has vowed to make an example of law-breakers in Phoenix, Arizona, also obliged the former heavyweight boxing champion to wear pink undies under his prison stripes.
An inspiring mother
A mother who let her teenage daughter skip school if she was having a 'bad hair day' or could not find her PE kit was jailed.
Dawn Joyce, 40, also allowed 14-year- old Carrie-Ann to stay at home if she needed to tidy her bedroom, had cat hair on her trousers, was too tired - or had dyed her hair and did not like the colour.
I wish my momma let me do that!
So who's going to the Erotica sexhibition at London's Olympia this weekend?
One of the stallholders is Milkymoments, who provides foreplay lessons for men and women. This will be its second year at Erotica.
'No sleaze, no cheese' is the company's slogan. 'Most things in this industry are perceived as sleazy,' says Justin James, a workshop leader. 'People think sex, they think Erotica and they think it's coming straight from the back streets of Soho. It's a very old-fashioned attitude.
'Our lessons are entertaining and they are knowledgeable. There's no excuse to be naive when it comes to sex in this day and age. Sex can be tasteful and the show is actually quite sophisticated.'
At last year's show, Milkymoments nominated itself for the Innovation award. It lost because it was too successful. Oh yes, and it lost to a lubricated tampon.
James's fondest memory from last year is of the foot-shaped sex toys: 'We gave them out to men in the workshops – and when we collected them after the class, we realised three of them had gone missing. That set the tone for the weekend really.'
For tickets, visit www.erotica-uk. com or call 01708 768 000.
Freaky! Cat born with three eyes and two faces
He lives with his 47-year-old female owner in Arizona. Lil'Bit had four eyes when he was born, but the two in the middle are converging into one giant cat's eye.
However, he still has two distinct noses and mouths, resulting in double the whining when he's hungry.
Scientists believe he has two brains because when one face sleeps the other can remain alert and awake. When he gets a cold, only one of his noses runs.
A piss head told police he was going to have sex with a park fence, a court heard.
Daniel French, 24, had climbed into the locked park and made “sexual motions” towards iron railings, it was claimed.
Then he told police: “I’m going to have sex with a fence.”
Prosecutor Philip Lemoine told City of Westminster magistrates French was spotted by police in the early hours.
He said: “The gardens were locked and police asked French to leave.
He was drunk and there were some sexual motions — drunken silliness — to the railings.
“He said words to the effect of, ‘I’m going to have sex with that fence’.”
French, who admitted being drunk and disorderly, said cops bullied him. He added: “The suggestion I was trying to do something sexual to the railings is disgusting.”
French, of Stevenage, Herts, walked free from court because he had been in custody since his arrest at the weekend.
Slutty fence, just begging to be poked.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Future of Nursery Rhymes...
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have you there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was that way.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
A Professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular
> contractions to his first year medical students. Realising
> that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
> decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young
> woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
> ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
>
> She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
>
> The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Oi Madge- sort out yer daughter!
Poor bitch has a moustache and those eyebrows are fierce! *Whips out my tweezers*.
Nice eyes though.
Rats' milk anyone?
The one-legged whore delivered a sermon on veganism from Speaker's Corner in London's Hyde Park yesterday.
She and animal rights' charity Viva! say meat and especially dairy products are causing huge damage to the environment by boosting global warming.
Viva! says livestock is the second largest source of greenhouse gases, producing 18 per cent of global emissions, due to the impact of deforestation.
She said: 'It's mad that we are having cows' milk. Even cows don't drink it after [the age of] one year, but we continue for ever.'
She told her Hyde Park audience of campaigners, journalists and bemused tourists: 'There are fields and fields of grain just miles from starving children in Africa being shipped to Europe to feed our livestock.
'There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets. Why do we not drink rats', cats' or dogs' milk?' Well, they probably do in the poorest provinces of China.
YOU fucking drink rats' milk if you want to. How many rats will it take to get a glassful? Surely their ducts can only hold a few drops! Cows' udders are large (just like my boobies) and can store an enormous amount of creamy goodness. At the end of the day, it's all about the economics. lol
This is what I have to put up with at the university I work at
A researcher sent this email out to all 3000 staff:
Sorry if you hate pointless emails but I have been giggling to myself on my
own in my office and had to share it!
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Oh stop! I'm going to wet myself! It's just tooooo funny!
Ugh, even my office are having a giggle. What's wrong with these people? Get me the hell outta here!
Monday, November 19, 2007
There I was driving down the M1 recently. well, driving may be a rather mild way of putting it.
The traffic cop who stopped me alleged that I flew past his speedtrap at roughly 97 miles per hour. Still, even after I saw his flashing lights in my rear-view mirror, I was still quite confident that I could talk my way out of a ticket. After all, I know the law and had all the pat questions to quiz the 'officer of the law' with. However, when the cop bent down to survey the interior of the car, he immediately whipped out his ticket book and started writing, without saying another word.
I slowly turned and looked over my shoulder into the back seat and everything became clear in an instant.
Handcuffs
Hand Cuffs - canal digital commercial - Jubii TV
An old couple is in bed watching football on the television. wife handcuffs her husband ‘s hands to the bed and takes the remote from him.
An old couple is in bed watching football on the television. wife handcuffs her husband ‘s hands to the bed and takes the remote from him.
Keywords: commercial tv football ad television couple wife husband hand bed remote cuffs canal digital
Some men die peacefully in bed, while others suffer less pleasant ends. 23-year-old Benjamin lost his life in one of the most unappetizing manners possible when he careened into a 400,000-gallon tank of raw sewage on Friday night. Police speculated that he was driving his 1998 Mazda pickup much too fast to make the sharp right turn in front of the wastewater treatment plant. He was apparently exceeding the speed limit by a generous margin, as his momentum carried him through a chain link fence, across an easement, and through a low post-and-rail fence surrounding the tank of decomposing sewage. Divers located his body beside his upright pickup on the bottom of the 16-foot deep tank. The autopsy failed to provide a conclusive cause for death, but we speculate they will find he died from "taking too much crap".
(3 March 2000, Pennsylvania) In a related event, Andrew died in a messy farming accident at Crooked Creek Farm when he slipped into a manure spreader. Rescue crews failed to revive him (and who can blame them?) The cause of death was determined to be blunt force trauma.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades,
until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said: "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!"
WIN 2 AIRLINE TICKETS ALL EXPENSES PAID TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN PEKING,
> CHINA.
>
> To participate is very easy, just open the attached photo, correctly answer
> the following questions and send your answers to the International Olympic
> Committee:
>
> 1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?
> 2. Which ones are male twins?
> 3. Which ones are the female twins?
> 4. How many women are in the group?
> 5. Which one is the teacher?
>
> Good Luck!!!! 
Amazing simple home remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING...
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
A woman of 102 has stripped off for a charity nude calendar to support her village football club.
Nora Hardwick, who was born in 1905, posed as Miss November behind the bar of the Ermine Way pub in Ancaster, Lincolnshire, reports the Daily Telegraph.
The calendar was made to raise funds for the local team, Ancaster Athletic.
"They draped a bit of pink cloth around my shoulders, but at my age I just don't have the model body to be taking it all off," she said.
"It was all very tastefully done. You couldn't see any of the bits or anything.
Thank fuck for that then!
The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is coming to Britain.
The ensemble, which performs on instruments made of fresh vegetables, will play at the Huddersfield Contemporary Music Festival.
The 11-strong group carve their produce before every show, using celeriac bongos, carrot recorders and the multi-vegetable 'cucumberphone'.
They play a range of music from contemporary to house, jazz to classical, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Performances promise to "appeal to all the senses", and the audience is usually offered fresh vegetable soup made from the instruments after shows.
But hungry fans in Huddersfield will be disappointed - health and safety regulations mean soup is banned - even without the parts the orchestra have blown on.
The look of skepticism on the dog's face is priceless
Is your bitch nagging you for an expensive gift for Christmas?
London's most prestigious dog & cat outfitters, Mungo & Maud is excited to introduce their 'Petite Amande' Dog Fragrance, the world's first premium Eau de Toilette fragrance made specially for dogs. Mungo & Maud's Creative Director, Nicola Sacher, engaged the help of well-known 'nose', Lyn Harris, to create this unique scent.
No longer will your bitch smell like shit.
The stylish packaging and sophisticated glass bottle houses a gentle fragrance inspired by nature with notes of French blackcurrant, Tunisian neroli, mimosa and violet leaf on a base of sweet vanilla bourbon...with a little almond. Sounds lovely. As with the entire Mungo & Maud range, all ingredients and materials have been carefully chosen and are of the highest quality. Because a bitch can sense a cheap gift a mile off.
It is a mistake all of us have made in the kitchen at one time or another.
Flustered by the heat from the stove and frustrated by the pressure of conjuring up the perfect beans on toast, we have all added the wrong ingredient at some point.
A cook in China killed himself and five other people when he inadvertently spiced up a dish with the lethal ingredient.
Chen Ruyan, who worked at a recycling station in Hubei, put rat poison into rice dumpling soup instead of flour.
In order to make the rice dough less watery, he decided to add more flour. Unfortunately he grabbed the poison, which was among other condiments.
Swedish women want to let it all hang out
Swedish women have launched a campaign called Just Breasts which fights for their right to go topless on beaches and in swimming pools.
Scandinavian feminists were outraged when two women were asked to cover up their breasts by a lifeguard at a public pool near Stockholm.
One of the pair, 22-year-old Ragnhild Karlsson, said: 'If women are forced to wear a top, shouldn't men also have to?'
As a result, women in southern Sweden set up the Bara Bradiost network, which translates as 'Just Breasts'.
A spokeswoman for the group said: 'We want our boobies to be as normal and desexualised as men's, so that we too can pull off our shirts at football matches.'
So far, the campaign's strategy has been devastatingly effective. Members of Just Breasts have been jumping into swimming pools across the country wearing nothing more than bikini bottoms.
This tactical masterstroke has caused an upheaval in Swedish law - the country's equal opportunities ombudsman will decide whether or not to take up the case later this month.
Interesting...
Men may go weak at the knees at the sight of a blonde woman. But, it seems, their minds start to tremble, too.
When they encounter fair-haired women, such as Paris Hilton or actress Sienna Miller, they suffer a 'blonde moment' of their own and their mental performance droops.
Men tested on their general knowledge after being shown pictures of different women were found to score worse after they had been shown photographs of blondes.
Rather than being distracted by their light locks, the men apparently began 'thinking blonde' because they thought they were dealing with bimbos less intelligent than themselves.Researcher Thierry Meyer, professor of social psychology at the Paris X University Nanterre, said: 'We primed participants with the dumb blonde stereotype before they answered a knowledge test.
'People confronted with stereotypes generally behave in line with them. In this case, blondes have the potential to make people act in a dumber way because they mimic the unconscious stereotype of the dumb blonde.'
A woman who claimed to be able to put magic back into a marriage by cracking an egg into a man's underpants is on trial for sorcery.
She vowed to lift a supposed curse on his wife and mum-in-law with a spell which also used a spoon, nail, a pubic hair and a bloody tampon. But she wanted £6,100, a court in Nicosia heard.
The 37-year-old man complained to police. Sorcery is illegal in Cyprus.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Riskay- Smell yo dick
LMAO!! I've just heard THIS song. It's funny!
Fuckin' brilliant! lol
"When your dude comes home at five in the morn, you know something’s going on. Instead of being played like a fool, what you need to do is just smell that dick."
John Travolta is into daddies
Pulp Fiction star John Travolta snogged screen legend Kirk Douglas after being presented with a lifetime achievement award at the Santa Barbara Film Festival.
The on-stage kiss appeared to catch 91-year-old Douglas off-guard. That's an understatement. His eyes are practically popping out of their sockets.
Apparently, Jesus and Mary have decided to show their faces- in a burnt pancake.
Marilyn Smith, of Port St Lucie, Florida, decided to sell the pancake on eBay - after an earlier, cancelled sale in which the holy pancake reached £165 ($338), the current bid stands at $26.01
Smith's daughter says she believes the pancake is a miracle.
The eBay listing notes that: 'This is a spiritual, unusual and unique pancake that we believe to be holy and depicts what looks to be Jesus and Mary.'
It does go on to admit, however, that: 'My brother said it looks more like Moses and Elijah.'
Sneaky lawyer!
Boy George signed an "autograph" for a fan while DJ-ing at a gay nightclub - only to be told it was a £36,000 writ.
The entertainer was on the decks at 3am when a lurking solicitor, disguised as a clubber, sidled up to the DJ stand. The lawyer handed the star a piece of paper. Thinking it was a fan, the DJ obliged with a signature - which will now cost him £36,000 - the cash he owes after being sued by a club promoter.
The document was a Statutory Declaration, in legal terms once it's delivered or "served", the receiver must pay his debts or be declared bankrupt.
Those wacky yellas again!
A chain of 12 restaurants with a toilet theme has opened in Taiwan.
Seats in the Modern Toilet restaurants are toilet-shaped and napkins are dispensed from toilet rolls on tables.
Food containers are also toilet or wash-basin shaped, and much of the food is made to look like human waste, reports China Photo Base.
The owner claims the edgy nature of the restaurants is attracting younger diners.
"Every detail tells you it's a bathroom, not a restaurant. But it's fun to eat here," said one diner at a Taipei city outlet.
Shock horror! Woman has only half a brain. I thought that was the norm?
Doctors treating a Chinese woman who complained of feeling weak discovered she only had half a brain.
The woman, 39, from Wuhan city, has lived a perfectly normal life and only came into hospital after she complained of feeling weak and stiff.
Zhang Linhong, director of Neural Rehabilitation Department at the local hospital, said: "On the MRI scans we were surprised to see that she only has grey matter on the right side.
"Our usual understanding is that the left brain controls language. But this patient has no problem communicating with people."
The woman's mother said her daughter lives a very normal life.
"She graduated from high school with good marks. Her memory is very good. She remembers phone numbers and names immediately."
Eurostar has launched a provocative advertising campaign to lure Belgians to London.
How is a picture of a yob peeing into a cup going to tempt anyone to visit London?
A resort is to bring in horse 'nappies' to keep its streets clean of muck.
The famous horse carriages, or landaus, which ride along Blackpool promenade will be fitted with the dung-catchers from next Easter, if the proposals are approved.
A consultation found that visitors, residents and businesses said while it might be good for the garden, manure scattered over the street detracted from the attractiveness of the seafront.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Tut. An ex came online today. He dumped me via MSN around four years ago saying he wasn't ready for a relationship and now he's flirting with me on MSN. He's just come back from Mexico and he wanted to show me his red bits via his webcam. Ewww! OK I was curious and I looked at him on webcam at work, but take NOTE: we did not cyber! lol. Thankfully, I have no feelings for him whatsoever. I was with him for a year and a half and for about 80% of the time, I was miserable. Just ask my yella friend KpyKpy- he'll tell you! I was actually relieved when he dumped me because I couldn't punish myself anymore. Also, I didn't have the energy to protest. I hope he doesn't expect me to reciprocate, 'cause this ship has sailed!
Right, I'll stop whinging now....
I haven't posted any pics of trannies lately. What's going on? Someone send me a few!
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.
Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.
Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.
Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.
Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.
"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then quietly observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.
"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."
Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.
Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."
I'm outraged! Can a man not fuck a bike in the privacy of his own room anymore??! Fucking nosy cleaners should not have unlocked the door!
A hot bike!
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the fuck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch-whore to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that cunting Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
I'm a slurper and a screamer
Top ten most irritating workers shamed
Irritating workers such as shirkers, screamers, gossipers and whiners have been named and shamed as the types of colleagues who are most likely to get our blood boiling.A survey on office stress by Ceridian, a provider of human resource services, has been published ahead of 'National Stress Awareness' day on 7 November. The survey identifies a 'top ten' chart of the most irritating workers:
1. Shirkers. Colleagues who always find excuses to avoid work, stress out over a fifth of UK workers.
2. Screamers. Tantrums and arguments in open spaces set 11 per cent of people's teeth on edge.
3. Gossipers. At 9 per cent, gossipers are the third most stressful type of co-worker.
4. Whiners. Colleagues complaining about work upset 8 per cent of their colleagues.
5. Megaphones. When they're trying to concentrate, nothing is more guaranteed to stress out 7 per cent of UK workers than fellow colleagues talking loudly on the phone or banging their keyboards as they type.
6. Hijackers. People who hijack meetings by raising irrelevant topics wind-up 7 per cent of their colleagues.
7. Wanderers. Long coffee, tea, toilet and smoking breaks annoy 6 per cent of colleagues, leaving them feeling short-changed.
8. Slurpers. Noisy drinkers, eaters and gum chewers irritate 5 per cent of work colleagues. Included in this category are people who can't stop clicking their pens.
9. Swearers. Workers swearing loudly upset 5 per cent of their colleagues.
10. Sneezers. Sick colleagues coming into work annoy 4 per cent of their healthy co-workers.
"Irritating habits may be funny when portrayed in sitcoms like 'The Office,' but in real life they're no joke," said Doug Sawers, managing director of Ceridian in the UK. "Employers should be on the lookout for annoying behaviours that stress out fellow workers. Stressful and disruptive behaviour can affect office morale, productivity and, as a result, the bottom line."
Ceridian offer the following tips to combat workplace stress: set aside time for project work; revisit timelines; communicate concerns to co-workers and suggest ideas for how to improve things; set boundaries; make time to eat a healthy lunch; pay attention to posture; stretch, breathe and find perspective.
An Australian man took off his underpants to blindfold a 5ft crocodile he found on a popular beach.
Jimmy Howard wanted to calm down the saltwater crocodile and says his red pants were all he had to hand.
"I just ripped my jocks off, soaked them in the water and wrapped them around its face," he told the Northern Territory News.
"It was a bit cranky and that was the only thing I could use to cover its eyes.
Poor croc, having shitty undies over his eyes. Can it still see?
First came speed dating – now comes speed dating in cyberspace. Lonely hearts can turn to a new website, WooMe.com, in their search for a partner.
The site allows members to meet new people in one-minute bursts over webcams.
After each meeting, WooMe asks users to select either 'I'm wooed' or 'No, thanks'.
If people are interested, they can pay £1 to get contact details.
Co-founder George Berkowski, a former Nasa engineer, said: 'People make up their minds about people within seconds. So one minute is enough for people to make that snap judgment.'
LOL You just know the gays will be pointing the camera at one thing and one thing only- the dick!
Big dick? Oooh I'm wooed! Button mushroom with yellow spots? No, thanks. lol
Villagers are campaigning to change the name of a new street because it translates into 'Masturbation Meadow'.
Julia Newsham has launched a petition to change the name of Cae Onan in her home village of Morda, near Oswestry, Shropshire, on the Welsh borders.
The 48-year-old believes council planners meant to call it Cae Onnen which translates as 'Ash Meadow' but was shocked when friends told her what this version means.
The housewife said: 'It's embarrassing. It has got to the stage when I tell someone its name and check their expression.'
Cae is Welsh for meadow or field – but Onan has no Welsh translation other than the Biblical figure killed by God for 'spilling his seed', instead of impregnating his late brother's wife.
That led to the the word 'onanism', an old term for masturbation.
Let this be a lesson to you bitches. Don't put a condom over your head!
A thrill-seeker killed himself by pulling a condom over his head to try to give himself a sexual high, an inquest has heard.
Gary Ashbrook was discovered naked on his bed alongside three empty cans of nitrous oxide he used to blow up the contraceptive.
The 31-year-old had been experimenting with the drug, also known as laughing gas, with friends he had met online (probably Faggydar), said housemate Michael Young, who found his body in May.
Mr Young told the inquest: 'He had been putting a condom on his head for two to three months.
'He learned this through some friends of his for sexual gratification.'
The housemates spent the previous evening eating pizza and watching the Eurovision Song Contest on TV with friends at their home in Newhaven, East Sussex.
Friend Paul Beaton said: 'I knew he was into the sadomasochism bondage scene. I'm sure this was an accident.'
A post-mortem examination revealed that Mr Ashbrook, who had been HIV positive for seven years, died from asphyxiation.
East Sussex coroner Alan Craze, recording a verdict of death by misadventure, warned against the dangers of taking nitrous oxide.
I love these judges
A High Court judge who made allegedly mocking remarks about a Sheikh involved in a multi-million pound divorce battle has been ordered to step down from the case.
Giving reasons today for the decision, the Court of Appeal said Family Division judge Mr Justice Singer had said during a private hearing:
:: The Sheikh could choose "to depart on his flying carpet" to escape paying costs.
:: That the Sheikh should be available to attend hearings "at this I think relatively fast-free time of the year".
:: The Sheikh should be in court so that "every grain of sand is sifted".
:: And the Sheikh's evidence was "a bit gelatinous"...."a bit like Turkish Delight".
Sheikh Khalid Ben Abdfullah Rashid Alfawaz asked the judge to stand down on the grounds that his remarks showed bias towards him.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
5 NUNS IN TOWN
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Cows stampeded a McDonald's restaurant after escaping from their trailer as the driver stopped for a bite to eat.
The eight cows ran amok when the rear door of the trailer opened as it pulled into the burger joint in Utah.
Wayne Sanders, who was at a truck stop next door when the stampede happened, said: "I thought my eyes were lying.
"I don't know where they came from, but I'd say they'd have to weigh 800 pounds apiece and they were on a pretty good trot."
Locals were quick to get involved in an attempt to round the cows up, called "Operation Hamburger Helper", including one resident who hopped on his horse to offer assistance.
It took about two hours to get them under control and Weber County sheriff's Sgt. Dave Creager said: "Maybe they were going to ... hop in the freezer, save the middleman."
But Lt. Kevin Burns had another theory and added: "They didn't like their future."
A man caught simulating sex with a mannequin had his indecent exposure conviction overturned on appeal because 'he did not commit a crime'.
Michael James Plenty Horse (yes, that's his real name!) was disturbed by a security guard as he lay with his pants down on a doll wearing a band uniform which was partially removed.
He was in a room of the Washington Pavilion surrounded by high school mementos and photos honouring students who attended Washington High School.
Aged 19 at the time, he would have been required to register as a sex offender, but the state Supreme Court has now said there was not enough evidence for his conviction of indecent exposure.
The indecent exposure statute in South Dakota "criminalises sexual gratification by displaying or showing one's genitals in public, " according to the Argus Leader website.
But the evidence failed to show that the teenager was trying to display himself in public. It was near to closing time at the Washington Pavilion, so no other people were around when the guard found him on November 14, 2005.
The guard checked the room because a door that was usually open had been closed. Records state that Plenty Horse "rolled off the mannequin, turned away and began adjusting his pants. ... When questioned about what he was doing, defendant, visibly ashamed, declined to talk about it."
A magistrate found Plenty Horse guilty of indecent exposure but his defence team argued there was insufficient evidence to convict him on the charge.
The appeal court reversed the conviction and said Plenty Horse's action, "lewd though it may be, does not fall within the purview of the indecent exposure statute".
His lawyer conceded that having sex in public with a mannequin "would likely offend people" but said the defendant didn't "flash" or expose his genitals.
Norway's largest chain of sex stores has been given a dressing down – by a food safety officer who inspected its edible erotic goods.
The Norwegian food safety authority, whose goal it is to make sure consumers have healthy and safe food, conducted a surprise inspection at one of the chain's stores and found that several products violated food labeling regulations, top-selling tabloid VG reported on Tuesday.
The products included penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body paint.
Products containing food must be marked with a Norwegian label, listing all ingredients.
'We have panties, bras, handcuffs and suspender belts made out of candy,' Antonsen said, adding that the store will comply with the regulations and label all its food products.
Russell Brand is a nutter!
RUSSELL BRAND has revealed that his rampant heroin addiction led to a fascination with vagrants.
In his latest admission, he tells how he was so obsessed he even shared a bath with a homeless pal called James.
He recalled: "I used to be fascinated by down-and-outs.
"I always had to seek out the poor and the dispossessed, as they are the people who generally know where the drugs are.
"The most significant moment, though, was probably when me and James had a bath together.
"We were both naked, and James’s ulcerated leg was sending clouds of puss into the bathwater. *vomits*
"But I just got on with washing his back and shaving him."
Aww this fat hedgehog is cute!
He was handed to a wildlife sanctuary in Leatherhead, Surrey, by householders worried he must have an illness.
In fact George, who weighs nearly five pounds and has a 31inch waist, was just fat.
Staff are putting him on a six-month cabbage soup diet.
Slutty nun
A NUN aged 79 faces jail after admitting having rumpy pumpy with two schoolboys 40 years ago.
Frail Norma Giannini is believed to have had 200 sex sessions with the lads, aged 12 and 13, when she was head of a convent.
She was arrested after victims James St Patrick, now 53, and Gerald Kobs, 55, built up the courage over the years to come forward.
On Monday the retired nun changed her not guilty plea when she appeared in court. She could be jailed for ten years when she returns to the court in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on February 1.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Try this: Open a Word document and type
= rand (200,99)
Press Enter and wait 3 seconds...
Microsoft will reward anyone who can explain it. Huh!!
I just asked my IT colleague and she says the 200 corresponds to the number of pages, and the 99 refers to the number of phrases, and the point of it is so that if you're creating a website, for example, you can see how the text would look like in the website. Not very interesting is it?
Whore service for the disabled
A Swiss welfare group is recruiting volunteers to have sex with disabled people.
The Basel-based Welfare Group for Disability and Sexuality already arranges erotic massages for people with disabilities.
But it is now providing full sexual intercourse and is also signing up gay volunteers to have sex with homosexual disabled people.
The group's leader Aiha Zemp said it was a subject that "needed to be tackled."
She said: "It's a big taboo that needs to be broken. Having sex is a basic human need like eating and drinking and we have to fight for this right for the disabled."
At present three men and one woman offer an erotic 'touching service"(basically a wank and bean flick service) and nine new volunteers have come forward to offer sex at £65 per hour.
Among the new recruits are four men, two of them pooftas.
Zemp rejected criticism that the group were simply training up prostitutes.
"The big difference between the assistants and prostitutes is that the assistants show tenderness and are conscious of the needs of the disabled, rather than rushing and just taking the money," she said.
How very DARE you! Back in the days when I was a high-class hooker, I offered a no-hurried, sensual service and my punters- I mean- clients- were always left feeling satisfied and hungry for more!
So perhaps I did check my watch every five minutes during our sessions, but that's standard practice, right? I can guarantee that the whores who will be fiddling with Cerebral Palsy Guy will be counting the seconds!
David Beckham fans in Austria blocked the phone-in lines of a radio show when the star's used bed linen was offered as a prize.
Fans are asked to phone, email or text the reasons why they want to run into a hotel room as Becks checks out and spend the day with his unwashed bed linen.
Presenters told fans that Beckham usually left used boxer short lying in the room as well as he always wore fresh undies and never re-used them.
Beckham's bed promotion is running all week until England's next match against Austria on Friday.
All these crazy fans wanting Beckham's skid-marked boxers, or cum-stained linen with perhaps (if you're "lucky") a few curlies. What is this world coming to?
More dating messages that I've received lately
hi...i am not from london , iam from america latina, i just arrive 15 days age, i don´t speak englsh,, i live very near to kensal rise station...if you want can you send me a message my e mail is ?@hotmail.com...bye
Bye bye!
Hello ,
I saw your character, and I think, that we can study each other better, I 27 years
My name Roman, I live in Russia, you very much like me and I would like that you have written to me on mine e-mail:
?@rambler.ru
I think that you are very beautiful and nice.
I search for the big love and long relations.
I would be happy that I have chance to relations with you,
While, and the hope to receive news of you.
Roman.
p.s: when you will write to me that I shall write about yourself more and to send a photo of me.
I very much want that you wrote to me!
I very much wait...........
Bless 'im........NEXT!
Shoot me now. I actually like Spice Grannies' Tesco ad
LOL I love Skeletor's strut in the beginning. I might be at risk of dislocating my hip if I attempt it. :(
Little Sarah came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sarah went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sarah's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sarah replied, "No...salty.
Man marries a bitch. No, not a woman; a dog!
A man in southern India has married a dog on the advice of an astrologer.
Selva Kumar, 33, tied the knot with a three-year-old bitch called Selvi to get rid of a curse for killing two dogs 15 years ago.
Within four days of killing the animals, Kumar started suffering from paralysis, reports the Mumbai Mirror.
Medical treatment led to no improvement so he saw a local astrologer who told him the curse would be lifted if he married a bitch. LOL!
The groom, from Avilakulam in Tamil Nadu, wore a white dhoti and shirt while the bride was dressed in a pink silk saree for the wedding ceremony.
The ceremony ended with Kumar tying the Hindu 'sacred thread' around the dog's neck and vowing to take care of his wife forever.
At the feast that followed, the groom fed his bride her favourite food - buns.
Well, I wish them all the luck in the world. At least the bitch won't nag, or moan that her ass is getting fat. With a bitch, you know what you're getting- as long as you feed it, it'll love you forever. I yearn to find a bitch who'll make me happy!
I was watching GMTV this morning when David Cameron started talking shit again. He proposes that any Council Tax rises should be subject to a referendum- giving residents the power to vote in favour of the rise.
Hello? Who the fuck is going to vote for a Council Tax rise? The guy is talking utter bollocks! Now, I don't like Gordon Brown either- he has no personality, and when his jaw drops after every sentence, I just want to giggle. It's probably handy for deepthroating. And don't even get me started on his smile. That is the creepiest thing I've seen since I saw my grandma's wobbly ass back in India many years ago, when she was taking a crap in the back yard.
WRONG!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Harry Potter's replacement
Lily Allen's younger brother, 22-year-old Alfie, if you like that sort of thing.
The cures in your kitchen cupboards
Handy to know I guess.
Most of us keep the bathroom cabinet stocked with remedies for common ailments - but we could just as well look in our kitchen cupboards instead. Many everyday ingredients can double as home cures for a host of complaints, from toothache to sciatica - and with no worry of side-effects. Here, Angela Epstein rounds up 25 of the best home remedies ...
MOUTH ULCERS
Camomile tea can help soothe the pain of mouth ulcers, according to London GP Dr Rob Hicks. Allow the herbal brew to cool with the tea bag in, then swill liquid around the mouth before swallowing. Do this every couple of hours. It is thought the herb contains substances that relieve inflammation.
URINARY INFECTIONS
To relieve the pain of a urinary tract infection, such as cystitis, mix half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda in an 8oz glass of water and drink, says Dr Jenni Byrom, a gynaecologist at Birmingham Women's Hospital. This changes the pH level of the acidic urine so that it will burn less when passing water. Do this once or twice a day at the first sign of infection.
Drinking a glass of homemade cranberry juice twice a day can also help, she says. Cranberry juice contains chemicals which inhibit the activity of E. coli - the bacteria most often responsible for cystitis. To make the juice, boil fresh or frozen cranberries until soft, liquidise when cool and drink a standard glass. This way you know you are getting the benefit of pure fresh fruit, unlike with a commercial drink which may be diluted and contain added sugar.
ECZEMA
An oatmeal bath can help if you suffer from eczema or dry, itchy skin, says GP Dr Paul Griffiths of the Blemish Clinic in Manchester. This is because oats contain anti-inflammatory compounds known as avenanthramides, which also have an antipruritic (anti-itch) effect.
Fill a piece of muslin or cheesecloth with several tablespoons of oats and then let the water run through this as you fill the bath. Olive oil can also be used to relieve eczema as it contains mild antibacterial agents which may help contain skin outbreaks.
VERRUCA
Taping the inside of the peel from an overripe banana to a verruca may help the healing process, says podiatric surgeon Michael O'Neill.
This is due to the anti-viral properties in the mucilage (the sticky substance inside the peel).
Apply the peel before you go to bed and do this every night until the verruca has gone.
LEG CRAMPS
A glass of tonic water before going to bed can help prevent cramp, says Dr Mike Dixon, visiting professor of integrated health and care at the University of Westminster, London. Tonic water contains naturally occurring quinine (the ingredient that gives it its bitter taste), which prevents the muscles going into spasm and causing the pain of cramp.
Keep a spoon by your bed, too. If you wake with leg cramp and this makes your leg feel hot, put the spoon on to your limb. The coolness of the metal will draw heat from the body, relieving the cramp.
SCIATICA
The muscular pain caused by sciatica can be relieved by standing against a wall, with a potato placed strategically against the part of the buttocks where the pain originates.
"By pressing against this, the potato acts like a fulcrum on the muscles, providing a pivot over which they can stretch," says Robin Shepherd, acting chairman of the General Osteopathic Council. "This will relieve the muscular tension associated with sciatica."
The sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in the body, running from the spinal cord and down the back of each leg.
"The potato digging into the tender muscles in the buttocks will relieve the pain running down the leg," Mr Shepherd says. For greatest relief, repeat several times every day.
CUTS, GRAZES AND BLISTERS
Manuka honey: Natural antiseptic
Nutritionist Jane Clarke adds that the honey has also been shown to have strong anti-viral properties and taking a teaspoon of Manuka honey twice a day may help speed up recovery after a viral infection.
Spicy: A curry can make your nose run
Relieve a stuffy nose, ear infection or congestion on the chest by eating something spicy such as a hot curry dish, says Dr Griffiths. This makes the nose and eyes run, loosening the mucus.
Garlic, which is often used in Indian food, helps break down mucus and is antiviral, antifungal, antibacterial and an antioxidant, so will help fight infection and boost the immune system.
BODY ODOUR
Sprinkle a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda in your armpits or on your feet, says GP Dr Rob Hicks. A natural antiperspirant, this reduces the amount of moisture normally produced in a day.
HAYFEVER
Cold, wet tea bags wrapped in paper towels can help soothe itchy eyes caused by a cold or hayfever, says Manchester-based GP Dr Charles Simenoff. It is thought the tannic acid in tea can help reduce the itch.
Smearing Vaseline up each nostril can also help, says Dr Dixon. The pollen catches on the sticky jelly, preventing it from travelling further up the nose and triggering an allergic reaction. Remove the Vaseline every two hours with a tissue, and then repeat the process.
NAUSEA
Ginger can help, because compounds in the spice have anti-sickness properties.
A study involving Danish naval cadets found that taking just 1g of powdered ginger before embarkation reduced symptoms of seasickness - including dizziness - by almost 40 per cent, and slashed the frequency of vomiting by more than 70 per cent.
It's also good for morning sickness. According to Dr Hicks, pregnant women may get greater benefit from eating ginger biscuits. These have the added benefit over powdered ginger of helping to maintain blood sugar levels, and nausea is often caused by low blood sugar.
ARTHRITIS
To ease the joint pains caused by arthritis, mix one dessertspoon of honey with one dessertspoon of cider vinegar and take with breakfast, says Dr Dixon. Both ingredients are natural anti-inflammatories.
INGROWN TOE NAIL
Draw out the infection from a septic ingrown toe nail by making a poultice from bread mashed in milk, suggests Michael O'Neill. Apply it to the toe with cling film and leave it on for at least 20 minutes. Repeat this until the pus begins to come out. "The heat of the warmed milk widens the blood vessels and draws the infection to the surface," says Mr O'Neill.
DISCOLOURED TEETH
Prevent discolouration of the teeth by having a piece of sugarless gum after drinking tea or coffee, says dentist Dr Phil Stemmer of the Teeth For Life Clinic in London. Chewing gum causes an increase in the production of saliva, which will help to wash away such liquids before they have a chance to stain your teeth.
SPLINTERS
To remove a splinter, take a piece of sticky tape, press on the area firmly and then remove by pulling from the opposite direction to the way the splinter is embedded, advises GP Rob Hicks. The splinter should come out on the tape.
HEADACHE
At the first sign of a headache, have a cup of tea, suggests nutritionist Jane Clarke. "Headaches are caused by changes in the blood vessels: they either contract or expand. A small dose of caffeine seems to reverse these changes."
EAR WAX
Soften ear wax by applying a few drops of olive oil into the ear four times a day, advises Dr Byrom. "This is as effective as anything you can buy over the counter for ear wax."
Garlic: Rub on athlete's foot
Take a clove of raw garlic and apply to the affected area. Active chemical compounds known as ajoenes in the garlic act as potent antifungals and may stop the growth of a range of common fungal infections, including thrush and athlete's foot.
Mr O'Neill adds that mixed to a paste and applied between the toes and on the sole, bicarbonate of soda can also help prevent athlete's foot.
WARTS
Soak an infected hand or foot in diluted vinegar to get rid of unsightly warts, advises Sheffield-based GP and orthopaedic physician Dr Rav Naik. "The acid in vinegar will destroy the viral particles in the wart," he says. Soak for at least 15 minutes every day and repeat until warts clear.
TOOTHACHE
You can get swift relief from toothache by dipping a cotton bud in oil of cloves and applying it directly on to the area, says dentist Dr Philip Stemmer.
Cloves have natural pain-killing properties. Indeed, doctors in Germany have recently devised a quick-acting anaesthetic based on the plant.
Be careful, though, not to leave the cotton bud on for more than a couple of minutes as it can cause irritation to the gums. You can buy oil of cloves from health food shops.
WASP STINGS
Treat a wasp sting by rubbing with a slice of onion, says Dr Simenoff. This will reduce the swelling and pain and speed up the recovery time. There are enzymes in fresh-cut onion that help break down the compounds in a sting that cause inflammation.
Rolling pin: To relieve upper back pain
To relieve upper back pain, place a rolling pin on the floor and lie on top of it so that it is runs across the back, positioned between your shoulder blades, and forms a T-shape with your spine, says osteopath Robin Shepherd.
"By rolling the body over it up and down, this will arch the spine and so relieve the tension in the muscles which causes back pain."
The right and wrong way to wear a thong
|
|
|
|
Send this to any woman who could use a laugh and any man with a good sense of humour!
Taoism: Shit happens.
* Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
* Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
* Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
* Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
* Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
* Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
* Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
* Islam #3:If shit happens, blame Israel.
*Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
* Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
* Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
* Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the
right wine with it.
* Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
juice with it.
* Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit
that happens to another.
* Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
happens to another.
* Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
* Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born
again. (Amen!)
* Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
* Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
*Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
* Calvinism:Shit happens because you don't work.
* Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
* Creationism: God made all shit.
* Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
* Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
* Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
* Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
* Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
* Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
* Darwinism:This shit was once food.
* Capitalism: That's MY shit.
* Communism:It's everybody's shit.
* Feminism: Men are shit.
* Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
* Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
* Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
* Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
*Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
* Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
* Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
* Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
* Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
* Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
* Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
* Scientology:If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
* Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
* Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some
of our shit?
* Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the
righteous shall survive its happening.
* Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
* Hare Krishna:Shit happens, rama rama.
* Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
* Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
* Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
* Agnostic:Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
* Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
* Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
* Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
*Atheism: What shit?
* Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
* Nihilism: No shit.
* Rastafarianism:Let's smoke this shit!
* And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at
a time!
Back to the dating game
I was sent this message:
i m 21 male asian. where u from ?r u gay or bi or str8?
mine is 5 11 height
32 wasit
65 kg weight
i hav no pics...but v can meet casually if u will not like me thn u can leave ok.....
tell me ur looks or if u hav pics than send.
thanks
where u lives???can u accomodate??
i live in east london near startford.
reply me asap..
my eamil id is ?@yahoo.com
waiting for ur reply
My reply? Fuck off!
A man was in jail Saturday after refusing to sign a $15 jaywalking ticket two days earlier. Leroy Franklin Cladd Jr. was cited for not using a crosswalk late Thursday night. He balked at signing the ticket, a misdemeanor that landed him in jail. He was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time, police said. Cladd was being held at the Manatee County jail on $250 bond.
Chelsy Davy looks as rough as I feel!
This is the first picture of Chelsy Davy since her split from Prince Harry. Poor bitch.
There there sweetheart. Let me get you some teabags for those pillows.
Look at that chest! I think a ballistics expert needs to be called in...
Day 5- I'm still pissed off and upset. How can someone say "I love you" and then shortly afterwards dump you 'cause they think it isn't working? This is my advice to anyone reading this: don't ever say it unless you mean it! It's fucking cruel. When he said those three cruel words, it just made me open up and all my barriers came falling down.
Well that's it. I'm going to construct a most impenetrable emotional barrier. It's easier that way. And then at least I'll know if someone is really interested, they'll stick around for longer than ten minutes, which is incidentally about the same time it takes to get me off. lol
Crazed kangaroo on the loose!
A kangaroo got police and residents hopping mad after it went on the run in Australia.
The animal escaped attempts to catch it with a net and stopped traffic as it ran amok around Melbourne.
A young boy caught up in the drama was knocked down by the hopping kangaroo and was said to be lucky that he was not seriously injured.
The presumably horny Eastern Grey also tore a policeman's shirt to shreds that was captured on camera, but still the chase continued.
Suburban streets were closed and one local resident said: "He's just jumping around, he jumped in my mate's back yard."
If you care to see a video of McFly burning their pubes on stage at G-A-Why, then here you go:
Ugh, I can almost smell the burnt crabs from here!
Judging Others
An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your boobies on your back?"
"Well," says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose cock is on his face.
OK, that was pretty lame. Sorry!
Buy a lovely Ben Cohen poster HERE!
Praise the Lord for producing such a fine specimen! lol
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here.'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat..
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use. And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that doesn't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear....., and she says, 'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,' and gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne.'
Guy tased in the ass!
A man who stripped off at a university concert was tasered in the ass by police as they tried to handcuff him.
Trouble began when the man was asked to leave by concert security, but when he refused police were called.
Police asked the man, who was topless, to put his shirt back on but he began to remove his pants, according to reports from witnesses. They then seized the man and began handcuffing him and when he resisted, a taser was used.
One female witness said: “He was tased in the ass for a prolonged period of time. It was terrible.”
The scuffle happened at a Girl Talk concert at Washington University's Gargoyle Club, according to the River Front Times website.
Gregg Gillis of Girl Talk said via a MySpace bulletin: "The St. Louis show was awesome, and it sucks it had to be stopped prematurely. I don't know the details of the story, but some naked guy got tased. Then they made me stop."
How the ass may have looked like afterwards:
Why did the duck cross the road? To slow speeding drivers, it seems.
Postmistress Ann Martin, 63, has recruited a 'quack' squad after she noticed motorists driving more carefully when the birds were around.
The grandmother trained the ducks to appear at the side of the road during the morning and afternoon rush hours. As soon as motorists see the birds, they hit the brakes to avoid running them over.
The flock, which includes 20 ducks and four geese, even braves crossing the road to get to the post office to be fed. Mrs Martin said: 'Drivers use the village as a rat-run – it's like the M1 here at rush hour. The sight of ducks seems to be the only thing that gets them to slow down.'
The postmistress, from Portesham, Dorset, latched on to the idea after crossing the road herself to reach the duck pond and feed the birds. Her routine became so regular that, if she was late feeding them, the ducks would appear at the roadside.
She said: 'I normally feed them in the morning and afternoon. But it got to the point where if they didn't get fed they would cross the road to remind me.
'When that happened the traffic slowed down or stopped, which was great. So now whenever it gets bad, I don't feed them. It has the desired effect.'
Local councillor Tommy Bartlett said: 'It's true, the ducks and geese slow down the cars. The geese sometimes stop in the middle of the road. That certainly puts a stop to the rush.'
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Dumbos!
A LOTTERY scratchcard has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn't understand it.
The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won.
To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.
But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.
Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards.
The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a maths GCSE, said: "On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't.
"I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it.
"I think Camelot are giving people the wrong impression - the card doesn't say to look for a colder or warmer temperature, it says to look for a higher or lower number. Six is a lower number than 8. Imagine how many people have been misled."
A Camelot spokeswoman said the game was withdrawn after reports that some players had not understood the concept.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Those crazy Japs are at it again!
A 'chopsticks bra' has been unveiled in Japan for busy women looking to stash their eating utensils whilst on the go.
Bra maker Triumph International is pushing the green message with a bra it hopes will cut down on disposable chopsticks.
The 'My Hashi Bra' (or My Chopstick Bra) comes with collapsible chopsticks stashed inside the body of the brassiere.
According to the company they are compact and form part of the bra's frame.
Triumph spokesperson Hiromi Shinta said: "Its small step, but because many Japanese chopsticks are disposable, big chunks of forests are being cut down. So we thought we could help promote the use of 'My Chopsticks' and help cut down on disposable chopsticks."
World's most expensive pudding
Stephen Bruce, owner of Serendipity 3 in Manhattan's Upper East side, unveiled the £12,500 pudding called the Frrrozen Haute Chocolate.
Earning a Guinness Records certificate for the world's most expensive dessert, the sundae includes a blend of 28 rare, exotic cocoas.
The pudding is then topped with whipped cream, sprinkled with 23-carat edible gold dust and a La Madeline au Truffle.
Along with the chocolate treat, the eater gets to take home the goblet it is served in, the diamond encrusted 18 carat gold spoon used to eat it and a gold ladies' bracelet. So really, you're just paying for the goblet and spoon.
Thousands of bananas washed up on two Dutch North Sea islands on Wednesday after at least six containers fell off a cargo ship in a storm and at least one burst open, a local official said.
'I think everybody on the island has a bunch now,' said Gossen Buren, a shipping official at the local lighthouse.
A German man, who was in court to appeal against his conviction for flashing, possibly didn't help his case when he stripped off in the middle of the court.
'The court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again,' said a spokesman for the court, in the western city of Duisburg.
'It appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art.'
The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of 'body builder poses,' the spokesman said.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 Dollars a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
"Yep, diesel fitter."
Check out THIS horrible video! If you like wobbly women, you'll love this! Muahahaha.
A schoolboy was given an unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a stripper turned up in his drama class.
The stripper - dressed as a policewoman - had been booked by the boy's mother, who had apparently asked for a 'gorilla' to mark her son's big day.
The woman even asked the teenager's teacher at Nottingham's Arnold Hill School and Technology College to film the event so the family could see his reaction.
On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked the unnamed boy around the class on all fours like a dog.
To the soundtrack of Britney Spears, she then spanked him 16 times - once for each year - before stripping down to her bra and knickers.
It was only when she asked the schoolboy to rub whipped cream on her ass that the shocked teacher called a halt to the show. What a slow teacher!
The boy's mother reportedly told the school the incident was the result of a booking error.
A driving teacher who hid a foot-long carrot in his trousers was yesterday convicted of four sex attacks on pupils.
Stephen Cooney, 51, put a female pupil’s hand on his groin and claimed the carrot was his willy.
He then revealed the vegetable – but the pupil, in her 40s, said she collapsed with shock. lol!
Cooney also offered to waive £80 owed by a mum in her 20s if she would sleep with him.
And he often groped an 18-year-old girl’s breasts.
Excuse me? You mean the 18-year-old girl actually carried on with the lessons even after he groped her tits? What a slut!
Hi guys. Well, as predicted, the boyfriend finally dumped me last night. I didn't have the energy to react so I went to bed and had a terrible night's sleep. And then today, I cried at least six times. Grrrrr.
I just don't understand why I was dumped. He kept saying "it just isn't working", but what the hell does that mean?
1) We got on really well together and had no arguments;
2) we have similar interests and sense of humour;
3) we care about each other;
4) only last week he texted me to say how much he misses me.
So, what's changed? This is really doing my head in 'cause I can't get proper closure. I need to understand the real reason in order to help me move on quickly.
So it's now back to miserable single life. Be prepared for lots of cynical comments from me. Why are men so shit-scared of being in a relationship? I didn't put any pressure on him whatsoever, and even that wasn't enough. I did everything I could possibly think of to make him happy and it was thrown back in my face.
Screw you bitches! I'm now going to be a total ice-queen. lol
I've learnt that nice guys never win. Seems like you have to be a total bitch to be a success in life.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Sorry, I can't be bothered posting anything else today. My mind is just too occupied with my impending break-up. *Wails*
Tomorrow I'm at college so I won't be able to post anything until I get home around 6-ish. Cheers. xxx
Want to be a successful flirt?
Then you had better master the art of good eye contact and a winning smile.
Researchers have shown that faces are rated as more attractive if they are gazing directly at the viewer - rather than looking slightly to one side.
The powerful effects of confident eye contact are strongest when someone is smiling, psychologists report today.
However, the shifty and the shy, who find it hard to look others in the face, are regarded as far less attractive, a study found.
Dr Ben Jones, of Aberdeen University, said eye contact was often neglected in discussions about what makes someone attractive. Yet the ability to look another in the eye could make the difference between getting or not getting a job, making a friend or finding love.
Most people regard it as a sign that someone is interested in them or attracted to them, he said.
"People are attracted to people who seem to like them," he added. "What this study shows is that not all attractiveness is down to physical characteristics."
YouPorn allows people to upload their home-made sex videos as well as view other people's postings for free.
Check it out and upload your filthy videos!
Ugh, I feel like shit. The boyfriend seems to be giving me the silent treatment. Only last week he texted me to say he misses me, but I've not heard from him since then. Am I being paranoid? I know he works evenings and doesn't get home till late so maybe that's why. But how long does it take to send a little text? I'm feeling neglected and pissed off 'cause this is emotionally draining! *Sobs* I'm anticipating a call or text from him to say he wants to end it...
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
A pitbull battled a porcupine at the back of his house in Southern California .
Being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way he can't always win.
A vet sedated the dog, then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson.
Don't mess with porcupines!
Doctors in India are operating on a two-year old girl who was born with four arms and four legs!
Lakshmi Tatma is joined to a twin which stopped developing in the mother's womb, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Locals in the northern state of Bihar believed the girl was "sent from God" when she was born to a poor rural family.
She is named after the Hindu goddess of wealth who has four arms. When news of her birth spread in remote Rampur Kodar Katti, locals queued for a blessing.
The £100,000 operation will require differently skilled teams of more than 30 surgeons to work in eight-hour shifts to separate Lakshmi's spinal column and kidney from that of her twin.
Someone send me a pic!!UPDATE. Here you go!
Hmm, not very impressive. I was imagining something more like Dr Octopus.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite When I saw how short the fuse was!"
