Posted by Wabby at Monday, December 31, 2007 0 comments
Monday, December 31, 2007
A farm has created Britain’s biggest roast dinner — a turkey stuffed with 11 other smaller birds.
The True Love Roast weighs FOUR STONE and costs £665.
The turkey contains a goose filled with a chicken, then a pheasant and small ducks.
It will feed 125 people — but takes ten hours to cook, says Round House Hele Farm in Kings Nympton, Devon.
Yuck!
A top Barclaycard boss has been forced to quit for making a joke about Shi’ite Muslims at a staff meeting.
Marc Howells, £200,000-a-year head of the company’s European arm, stunned colleagues with the gag as he announced quarterly figures.
He said: "The results were like Muslims — some were good, some were Shi’ite."
LMAO! Sorry, but that was pretty funny!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tsk. I was supposed to go on a date this afternoon at 2pm. We arranged it last week and last night, I texted him, asking if we were still meeting today at 2pm. I got no reply. I've sent another message today. Still no reply. Why do guys do this?!!! If you've changed your mind, fucking tell me!
I hate the dating game! lol I should take a leaf out of KPY's book: all men are shit and not worth the bother. They mess with your head; you lose your self-confidence; and they only want one thing: to get into your panties.
Only last night I was chatting to someone. He seemed decent enough, and then he suddenly blurted: "I would like to have sex with you". PAH! Maybe I need to meet a few castrated guys....surely they'd have more self-control? lol
Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying butt- naked on the beach.
The first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her (as you do), when she says: "What will we name the child?" The guy freaks out and runs away.
The second guy then goes over to her and starts bonking her and then she says: "What will we name the child?" He also freaks out and does a runner.
The third guy has been watching all this and has a cunning plan. He puts on a condom and starts poking. She says again: "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally, he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says: "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
Sorry folks. Lame joke, I know, but what do you expect on a Sunday afternoon?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Armour for your pets?
An American dog lover lover called Andy has created a range of armour - for pit bull terriers.
The quirky craftsman has set up a workshop called the Pit Bull Armoury where he constructs wearable protection from steel, aluminium, and indestructible plastic. Pit bull terrier owners who feel their pets don't look tough enough can pay up to £250 for a full metal suit of armour, or a more modest £35 for a backplate and leather breastplate.
Andy also makes armour for men, women, horses and - bizarrely - squirrels with a rodent-sized suit of armour selling for £30.
"I build armour because I like the positive feedback I get from them and I like to work with my hands," he explains. "I enjoy what I do and it shows in my work."
Andy makes armour to order via his website, www.pitbullarmory.com, and on eBay.
Only in America eh?
A dictionary has been published that claims to translate 'politician speak' into plain English.
The 2008 Lexicon is published by the Centre for Policy Studies which dubs MPs' speech 'Newspeak', a phrase borrowed from George Orwell's 1984.
Its translations include revealing that when a politician talks of "transformation", they actually mean "no change".
Jill Kirby, the director of CPS, said: "This Government has - whether wilfully or unwittingly - blurred the line between words and actions.
"Talking about a problem has come to mean the same as doing something about it."
The document wages war against Labour's favourite phrases. "Excellence for all" means "all shall have prizes".
"Let me finish", meanwhile, translates as "I will continue talking so that you cannot ask any more difficult questions".
One entry highlights the comment of Tessa Jowell, the Culture Secretary, as she announced that the Olympic budget had almost tripled, and said: "The Olympics will be legacy games."
According to the CPS, "legacy" means "the next Government will pick up the bill".
A woman in West Virginia was charged with battery on a police officer, after the officer said she wiped her nose on the back of his shirt.
Cpl. S.E. Elliott said he had arrested the 36-year-old woman last week after seeing her slap a man, bite him on the elbow and spit in his face.
Elliott said the woman wiped her nose on him as he led her into the police station for booking on a charge of domestic battery.
Battery on a police officer is defined as intentionally making physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with an officer.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Give your doggy some fake bollocks!
US dog lovers are paying £200 on prosthetic testicles for their castrated pets.
The 'Neuticles' are implanted in the dogs' scrotums to make them appear "anatomically intact", reports Sky News.
Louis Schwartz, chief of staff at the Overland Veterinary Clinic in Los Angeles, said: "What I find is the vast majority (of customers) are men.
"I can only think of one woman who has come to me to have the procedure on her pet. She was an animal control officer whose husband, because of his religious beliefs, did not want the dog to be neutered.
"One weekend while he was away she came to me with the dog and years later, this man has no idea."
At Mr Schwartz's clinic dog lovers can also buy acupuncture treatment and medicine for separation anxiety and depression for their pets.
New Turkey Recipe
Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!! You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (See attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...
Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
LOL! I just read that this fat bitch dropped SEVEN dress sizes after she received a Christmas card from her local Indian takeaway, thanking her for being such a loyal customer! How embarrassing!
Mind the pigeon crap!
A former New York doorman who slipped on a pile of pigeon shit on a subway station's stairs has been awarded six million dollars in compensation, according to a report on Monday.
Fifty-six-year-old Shelton Stewart slipped on the station steps in 1998, injuring his neck and back, despite saying he had noticed the pile of excrement on his way to work the same day, the New York Post reported.
A jury awarded Stewart $7.67 million in damages, but New York city's transit authority only has to pay 80 percent of the sum, or $6.13 million, since Stewart was found 20 percent liable for failing to avoid the faecal pile.
A famous Hollywood location had a seasonally appropriate visitor Sunday night. But when the man got out of his car in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater, it was clear this was anything but a standard visit from Santa Claus.
The driver -- 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds -- was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, in this case a misdemeanor, police said. In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes.
"We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus," Deputy Chief Ken Garner said.
Police identified the man as Rick Carroll, 53, of Long Beach. Officers administered a Breathalyzer test at the scene, and Carroll's blood-alcohol level measured just above the legal limit of .08%, Garner said.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry fucking Christmas!
As you might guess, I'm not very merry today. I met up with my ex yesterday. I tried being brave and nonchalant about it, but now I feel really upset and had a cry just a few moments ago. Guess I realised he'll never change his mind and that confirmation has hit hard. He just acted like nothing had ever happened between us. I can understand from his point of view: he never had feelings for me but enjoyed my company, and it makes sense to remain friends, but last night, when he avoided looking at me in the eye for more than a fraction of a second, it fucking hurt. Bitch can't stand to even look at me anymore! What's even more annoying- he brought me a present and Christmas card! WHY?! When the guy who dumps you is so nice to you afterwards, it doesn't help the healing process!
Anyway, on to merrier things, I handed out my presents to everyone (unwrapped of course; I don't like wasting paper) and I received some money from dad and auntie. Hurrah!
Bro and sis didn't give me anything (as expected).
Finally, now that dad has insured me on his car, I'm going to have to practise driving again. I haven't been behind the wheel for 10 years so watch out!
Now I need to start feasting. Have a great day folks! XXXXXXX
Monday, December 24, 2007
Just three fags in the dark
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. I'm so bored of it- and that's not because I'm not getting any either. Having a onesome is the only way to guarantee an orgasm.
Doesn't anyone just enjoy the simple things anymore? A lingering look; a kiss; holding hands; a cuddle; some light bondage and poo sex? lol
Hot date in Alabama
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says
to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an'
I need me
some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers
gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a'
mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
> > They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially
> > inseminated with it.
> >
> > When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
> >
> > A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
> > Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
> >
> > A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out
> > the happy child as theirs.
> >
> > "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
> >
> > "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
> > proves the superiority of gay love!"
> >
> > The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
> > when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
New version of the song "Winter Wonderland"
Lacy things -- the wife is missin', Didn't ask -- her permission, I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy, Little straps -- like spaghetti, It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin, And he doesn't know when to back down.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!" "Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna, We can dress -- like Madonna, Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin', Didn't ask... permission, Wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Tampax have announced that they are to stop using the little bits of string and will replace them with little bits of tinsel.....................................
but only for the Christmas period.
Spooky!
Yesterday at Canary Wharf: The light on the pointed tip of the Canary Wharf tower emerges from the swirling murk beside its lofty neighbours in East London.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of them pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
What the hell?
I received the following message from this guy:
"hi there i would like to come to your place on sunday and you will fuck me and suck me and i will do anything you want too do sexual anyway so please email me fast ...craig i live near wembley .."
Arghhhh WHY do I attract such people?? I'm sure he's a nice person, but messages like that are unacceptable! Learn some basic dating etiquette!
Two married coppers were booted out of a nightclub — for shagging in the ladies’ loo.
Two other officers caught them in an uncompromising position after clubbers reported “yelps” coming from a cubicle and feared someone was ill. LMAO! Yelp yelp!
The romping couple may now face disciplinary action. The pair, who both have families, went to a pre-Christmas bash with 20 colleagues at Optic in Norwich.
They disappeared and it was assumed they’d left.
But two patrol cops who called at the club burst in on them after “bizarre yelps and strange noises” were heard in a cubicle.
Ahhhh sex noises. It can be a turn-on, but it can also, as in this case, cause concern for someone's safety. It was only recently I realised that the sounds coming from outside my house were simply those of a fox and not, as I had originally thought, a cat being fucked with a 15 inch black dildo. My ex was always silent. Totally silent. Even when he came, he couldn't even utter a teeny weeny yelp. lol It's so frustrating. I think a cadaver would've make some squelching noises at the very least! Listen up, guys- start yelping!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Check out THIS site to perv over some arty farty pics.
In a first for the super-tough Commandos, members of the Physical Training Branch of the Marines stripped off for a charity calendar.
I've picked the best out of the bunch, 'cause a few were revolting, and I don't want to put you off your Christmas turkey.
After serious & cautious consideration.... .your contract of friendship has been approved for renewal for the New Year 2008!
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to mess it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words .............
may 2008 be the best year of your life!!
Santa's younger bro
Every year Santa visit those who's been good..
For all those who's been naughty (like us ), meet Santa's younger brother
who be making his rounds!!!
Meet Jared - Santa's younger brother...
Janet Jackson's new promo picture
OK, so I don't like her new tune Feedback, but this promo pic is hot!
What's not to like? There's rubber, plastic, melons, and...is that a Hannibal Lector mask? Hot!
Sting's den of iniquity
In case you were curious as to where Sting, Trudie and the other swingers go tantric.
Anti-terror training manoevres
This brick-shattering display apparently aids breathing technique and mental agility.
The drill by this Chinese soldier formed part of a joint anti-terrorism training programme in which China and India have been taking part, in Kunming, Yunnan Province.About 100 soldiers from each side were participating in the nine-day drill, which foreign officials said would "increase the mutual understanding and trust between the two countries, especially the two militaries".
Neo Nazi Doggy
Ach, du Schweinhund - a dog trained to give the Nazi salute has landed his owner in jail.
Adolf the part-Alsatian mongrel raises his right paw whenever he hears the command "Heil Hitler".
Now his owner, a pensioner named as Roland T, has been jailed in Germany, a country where all Nazi symbols or salutes are now strictly verboten.
The owner had previously been in trouble for shaving illegal Nazi insignia into the dog's fur.
He was investigated and given a suspended sentence for that offence, but it is the salute that has led to a five-month prison term from the man from Berlin.
Own up. Which of you bastards has bought Leon Jackson's new single, When You Believe'? Question- WHY?!!! It's fucking shit! Why do people buy into this X-Factor rubbish? People are only buying the song because they think he's a nice guy. I'm sure he is, but anyone who dares to cover a song originally sung my Mooriah and Whitney is going to sound shit. And it sure is a stinker.
It's so embarrassing, because people from around the world are going to be thinking that he's the best we can come up with.
I predict an album full of more covers next year and perhaps a few top 20 singles and then he'll sent to oblivion.
The poo version:
The original:
World Orgasm Day
1000s of Brits will get up for an early shag tomorrow – to celebrate World Orgasm Day.
Last year 1.6million people worldwide took part at 6.08am, for the winter solstice.
The amount is set to double this time.
Organisers in California hope to create global joy.
Meanwhile, I'll just be having sad wank. Life isn't fair!
Chartered accountant Andy, 42, took pity on the bedraggled bird when it turned up on his doorstep after a storm.
But now Pokey the pigeon can’t leave Andy alone.
The dad of four revealed how she: attacks wife Trude if she goes near him; sits on Andy’s car dashboard for drives; uses the family TOILET if it needs to go indoors; settles on Andy’s knee when he takes a bath and stalks him if he tries to spend time alone.
Andy, of Maidenhead, Berks, said: “It sounds crazy but she’s fallen head over heels for me.
“When Pokey is on her mating cycle and lays her eggs on her little bed in the bathroom, she sits on them for three weeks.
“But when that part of the cycle is over and she wants a mate she comes after me and sexually harasses me.
“She will fly over for me to caress her beak, peck my fingers and strut about puffing up her chest to deter females. If Trude comes near me she will fly at her head and peck her. She is overcome with jealousy.”
Trude said: “I would be happy to see her in a pigeon pie.”
Pigeon expert Prof Danial Haag-Wackernagel, of the University of Basel in Switzerland, said: “Pokey is ‘imprinted’ to Andy as a mate.
“The nest defence directed to his wife is a normal behaviour against intruders.”
The girl “roasted” by Manchester United players at their Christmas party bragged drunkenly afterwards: "They said I was great in bed."
The 19-year-old slut had just had sex with five or six men, including three United players.
Their jeers and her moans were overheard by a shocked party guest. She said yesterday:
I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises (!) coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.
The men were shrieking like hyenas and shouting, ‘Get in there my son’. My mate and I sat shocked as it was so vile. Yeah right. She was probably so turned on that she slipped a finger in and started flicking her cocoa bean.
After a few minutes the men filed out of the room laughing, and rushed downstairs for more booze.
She was clearly very drunk and very pretty, and probably about 19 years old.
I asked if she was OK and she said, ‘Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? They said I was a great shag’ and then she hobbled down the corridor.
She looked as if she was in a bit of pain. After that me and my mate left. I was shocked by the idea there had been an orgy at the party. It felt so sleazy.
Ooooh, I'm getting all hot and bothered now.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Seasons Greetings!
Need to hire a few dwarves for your Snow White-themed wedding or maybe you have an Oompa Loompa fetish? Then click HERE for a list of available dwarves who are ready to serve.
How to make egg and bacon ice cream. Mmmm
Heston Blumenthal describes how to make this unusual dessert. Be warned, the final product looks like three dollops of crap.
Toilet-themed wedding. So romantic!
A bride has married in a dress made out of toilet roll.
Jennifer Cannon and her fiancee Doy Nichols from Lexington, Kentucky, tied the knot in a temporary public toilet in Times Square, New York.
The ceremony has been sponsored by toilet roll company Charmin.There was also a chocolate and vanilla wedding cake in the shape of a toilet brush. Classy!
Theme Party
A psychology student decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes... "Theme Party - Come as a Human emotion".
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". "Brilliant," says the host, "come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" "I'm tickled pink" she replies. "I love it," says the host, "come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispair."
The Spice Grannies turned their latest performance at London's O2 into a family affair after bringing their children on stage during their hit song Mama.
Three of them have headphones on to block out all the sound (lucky them), and the other three look bored and embarrassed.
Oh just send these grannies back to Planet Pointless from whence they came!
LOL! The Metro featured an article on sexy Christmas pressies for your girlfriend (these basically consist of hampers full of dildos, massage oils, an electric toothbrush called a "Tingle Tip" which converts into a vibrator (ewww who would use that?!), and spanking gear, and a reader left the following comment:
For God's sake, this is Christmas, it's about a time of peace and family, and the birth of Jesus Christ. Why don't you feature an article on family time or kids' toys, or traditional Xmas values, or even favourite holiday movies, not cheap porn articles, for God's sake how is that about Christmas or anything to do with teaching kids about the meaning of Christmas? I find your Christmas sex toys shopping article just plain cheap, tacky, and unholy. It's no wonder British kids don't do not have any values or respect or manners taught them with junk like this in the papers that they read on the way to school, what's up with you people?
- Richard King, London, United Kingdom originally from Orange county CA
Calm down, you conservative bitch! We Brits love to play with our sex toys at Christmas (I have a dungeon full).
The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education has been forced to get rid of its 'bonking badge'.
It would appear the organisation, which promotes knowledge of the various acts of love, has been foiled by its arch-nemesis: the swimming club.
The Swedish Swimming Federation has successfully argued that the sex badge - called knullborgarmärket - is too similar to its own symbol for doing a few lengths of the pool.
The sex badge, dubbed the 'licence to shag', was awarded to about 35,000 people for their abilities in carnal activities.
Even the leader of the social democrats, Mona Sahlin, has a badge after taking the sex test in the summer, filling in written answers to questions about dildos and ejaculation.
But the swimming federation was annoyed the badge was too similar to its own logo, and as a result the group stopped using it.
'They have a pin that you get when you swim 200 metres. Ours was too similar,' said Joakim Jakobsson from the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education
The owner of two horny goats was fined after her pets were caught mating and relieving themselves in their own yard.
The law in Oklahoma says that it is illegal for any two animals to have sex in public within Dibble city limits - even if the animal is fenced in on private land.
But when the owner Carol Medenhall found out about the charges, she said: 'I kind of thought if anyone was caught having sex in public, it could have been me,' Carol Medenhall said.
The woman fought the tickets and won partially because she didn't know she lived within city limits.
Her land was recently annexed by the city, located south of Oklahoma City, but she claims no one told her.
What do you do when you think your rhinos may be pregnant, but are not quite sure?
Feed them glitter, of course.
When they wanted to check on the hormone levels of female white rhinos Ashanti and Zanta, zoo experts added non-toxic blue and silver glitter to their feed, so they could tell their shit apart when taking samples to test.
And it seems the idea has paid off as they now believe Ashanti could be expecting.
Helen Clarke, who works at Dublin Zoo, said: 'It's an ideal way of getting good samples without separating the rhinos or worse still, following them round with a shovel.'
A more light-hearted story about a mad granny. Just what we need for Christmas!
Frances Fearn’s Christmas tree has gone up for its 78th year running!!
The two-foot fir was bought for 3d from Woolies for her late hubby Geoff when he was born in 1929.
It’s been put up every Christmas since.
Geoff died in February so Frances, 63, of Cheltenham, Gloucs, will put a photo of him next to it.
The gran of five said: “It still looks lovely and it’s got some of the original decorations. You don't say!
“It’s a shame Geoff’s not here to see it in the paper. He’d have been so proud.”
Another grim story for the festive season
A teacher burned to death after stepping into a bath of near-boiling water, an inquest heard.
Anne Garnett, 45, who was 1½ times the drink-drive limit, was found by husband David with 70 per cent burns.
DI Andy Unsworth said 90°C water from the full-on boiler caused “horrific” injuries, including a melted clit. He told the Blackpool inquest: “We can’t answer how she got in a bath this hot and why she did not get out.”
But pals later said Anne, of Freckleton, Lancs, had a condition that reduced skin sensitivity.
Oh come on! If the water was at 90 degrees, the bathroom would surely be fucking steaming! Silly drunken whore!
They're ggggggreat!
Two tigers savaged a man to death after he stuck his hand into their cage to take a photo.
Jayaprakesh Bezbarauh, 50, had his arm ripped off as keepers battled for 30 minutes to beat the Bengal Tigers back.
He died later of blood loss.
He was visiting with his wife and two kids.
Warden Narayan Mahanta of Gauhati Zoo, northeast India, said the man ignored safety warnings.
Let this be a lesson to you dumb bitches! Warning signs are there for a reason, and as tragic as this is, I don't feel an ounce of sympathy (and that's not just because I'm a cold-hearted whore).
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it's so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney and on his advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter seasonal holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wished.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher,you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.
Britons have been voting in a new survey to find the nation's worst Christmas cracker joke.
And the winner was: What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
University of Sheffield's Professor of Linguistics Professor Andrew Linn commented: "The essence of a fine joke is clever and original use of language, often exploiting some sort of ambiguity.
"This joke has been voted the worst Christmas cracker joke because it is almost too clever. It uses ambiguity in how the words are put together (deep (p)an') as well as contextual ambiguity (pizzas and a Christmas carol). In short, once you get it, it's a real groaner!"
But even though the gag was voted worst overall, it divided the nation with many voting it their favourite.
More than 200 people picked their worst and favourite cracker jokes from a list of 50 in the poll for Nuts magazine.
Nuts jokes editor Adam Ralph said: "The gags in crackers are normally so bad that everyone laughs at the stupidity of them. That's what brings everyone together and it would almost be a shame if manufactures tried to make them too clever."
The Top 10 worst Christmas cracker jokes were:
1) What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even
2) On which side do chickens have most feathers? On the outside
3) What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper
4) What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake
5) What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette
6) Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
7) What's furry and minty? A polo bear
8) How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle
9) Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
10) What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost
Put the mince pies and milk away, because Santa Claus may not make it down your chimney this year.
Father Christmas is currently recovering from an alleged sexual assault.
Santa says that a woman who sat on his lap at a shopping centre in Danbury, Conneticut was naughty, not nice.
According to Santa, he was groped. Sandrama Lamy, 33, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace after allegedly taking liberties with Santa over the weekend. She was released on a promise to appear in court on January 3.
Police quickly found and identified Lamy because she was on crutches.
Police did not give the name of the disconcerted Santa, but they said he is 65 and felt bad because children were waiting to see him.
'He was apparently shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident,' said Captain Bob Myles.
A doctor is facing disciplinary action after taking a picture of a patient's willy during surgery.
The man whose penis bears the tattooed slogan 'Hot Rod' says he feels violated by having its image captured by a doc with a mobile phone. It's strange how he didn't feel violated while having his dick tattooed.
Sean Dubowik, 37, was undergoing gallbladder surgery at a hospital in Phoenix, Arizona when his snapper was snapped.
You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper.
Unless, of course, he goes out and gets plastered, breaks into someone's house and soils himself. Then you might be okay...
A man dressed as Death was arrested after a drunken night out in Morecambe, Lancashire.
Christopher Kelly, 31, downed vodka and lager on a trip to the town in October. He got separated from a group of friends out celebrating a birthday.
He wandered on to the beach and got stuck in the sand, losing his shoes, trousers and jacket.
He then staggered across to the town hall and climbed through an open window, before rummaging through a number of rooms.
He took a camera and a mobile phone, which he tried to use to call his friends. It was at this point that he soiled himself. He threw his stained underwear into a black bin bag.
Things went from bad to worse when he found a Grim Reaper costume and decided to wear it. He then left the town hall and eventually staggered to the police station.
As it was unmanned, he stood waiting for three hours, dressed as the Reaper, until officers arrived.
As the tale was told in Lancaster Magistrates' Court, one probation officer had to leave the room in a fit of laughter.
Kelly was given a six-month conditional discharge after he admitted burglary, having entered the town hall as a trespasser.
Fuck you!
It's rude, it's obscene and it may even be like hitting someone in the face without damaging your knuckles – it's swearing.
According to psychologists, yelling 'fuck off' is a powerful form of assault, especially if the intended victim cannot avoid hearing you.
A US research team also suggested swearing evolved as a way to emotionally injure someone without getting into a fight.
'It's a substitute for physical violence,' said psychologist Dr Timothy Jay. 'From an evolutionary point of view, it's an advantage for us to be able to say “fuck you” from across the street.'
He believes swearing is also a form of social bonding. 'In the locker room, the guy who doesn't swear is a weirdo,' said Dr Jay.
He has heard 10,000 people swear in public, with the f-word and shit making up half of US curses.
Meanwhile, British linguist Tony McEnery admires the f-word's ability to be inserted into words such as 'absolutely', as in 'abso-fucking-lutely'.
To make a good swear word, say experts, it has to be frowned upon, be insulting and have a powerful sound. That's why the f-word works so well.
Despite efforts by moral crusaders to stamp out swearing, the scientists say it is hard-wired into people's brains.
Some hospital patients have been able to say only swear words after a stroke.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Happy Birthday Brad!
Mmmmm Brad isn't usually my type, but this pic is making me juicy.
Brad, if you're reading this and you're ready to explore the dark side- call me! lol
Preparation for parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests to take to prepare for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the hatchback and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a penny. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easilyaccomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Rice Krispies and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Krispies are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teletubbies. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
It wasn't quite going commando - but a soldier has been jailed for a day and fined for parading in a pink bikini.
Tan Wen Zhong was wearing nothing more than the skimpy bathing suit when he sashayed into a lift early one morning.
The Singapore national serviceman has now been sent to prison for a day and ordered to pay £3,700.
The 21-year-old had admitted to five charges, including "outraging the modesty" of the woman who shared the lift with him and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear".
A police search of his apartment turned up 46 pieces of women's underwear and bikinis as well as four obscene films.
Tan, who was completing Singapore's mandatory national service when he committed the offence in April, was also accused of grabbing a 23-year-old woman's buttocks a year ago and of shoplifting a pair of sunglasses two years ago.
In mitigation, Tan's lawyer said his client had been badly affected by his parents' divorce during his formative years. I'll say!
Man gets boob implants- in his leg!
For a man to have a boob job is unusual enough - let alone to have the silicone implants not in the chest, but in the leg.
But Lane Jensen's figure is now looking a little more voluptuous in an odd place after one of the most unusual operations of the year.
Lane, a devotee of body art already, had a tattoo of a busty lady on his shin.
But for some reason, he decided this was not quite expressive enough - so had silicone implanted to make the etching stand out in all the right places.
Canadian Lane, editor of a body art and tattoo magazine, even sat up to watch most of the operation carried out in Edmonton, Alberta.
Brian Decker, owner of the firm Pure Body Arts, carried out the strange surgery which lasted just 45 minutes - and left Lane feeling nothing more than "a small bruise", but delighted with his new breasts.
The happy couple
This photograph taken in Afghanistan graphically captures life for millions of girls given in marriage while under age.
It shows Mohammed, 40, with his new 11-year-old bride, Ghulam. Taken by US photographer Stephanie Sinclair, it was named Unicef Photo of the Year yesterday.
LOL! Look that the evils she's giving Mohammed. She's wondering what drugs to take so she doesn't have to think about his loathsome body rubbing against her. Poor bitch.
Queen and Prince Philip playing sex games
The Queen was pictured sporting a bruise on her neck today as she met the King of Tonga. Looks like she and Philip have been indulging in some "breath control".
Buckingham Palace said the monarch was fine and had carried out a full day of engagements.
It is not known how the 81-year-old submissive sustained the mark, which could be seen under her left ear.
A spokeswoman said: "She's got a slight bruise. She just knocked it. It's nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about? That bruise is all shades of green!
A teen who tried to have sex with the pavement in a busy street claimed yesterday it was a drunken prank — and escaped being put on the sex offenders’ list.
Motorists looked on in shock as Steven Marshall, 18, hauled down his trousers and started to fuck the cracks in the floor.
Marshall — drinking while taking pills for arthritis — also wanked in front of a horrified female taxi driver in Galashiels, Selkirkshire.
He admitted a charge of public indecency at Selkirk Sheriff Court and got 12 months probation.
Sheriff Drummond commented: "This was bizarre. Anyone who lies on the road in the daylight, is significantly intoxicated and is partially undressed has a problem."
But Marshall will NOT be put on the sex offenders’ register after Sheriff Drummond accepted the June offence "was not primarily sexually motivated".
Monday, December 17, 2007
Santa's not in the mood
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in road maintenance. How about I send you a bleedin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Just in case you are not aware of the effect that Northern Rock’s problems is having on Japan’s banks, I can confirm that Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank is cutting its branches and trading in the Kamikaze Bank have ceased trading after its shares nose dived.
At the Karate Bank 500 employees have been given the chop.
Analysts also report that something fishy is happening at the Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver back gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. 'Now... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. 'Now. TELL HIM YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!!
Proud to be British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and...... only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain .. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain .. do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage..
Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink..
NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing of A 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of Plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious Burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
STILL PROUD TO BE BRITISH!
Fuuuuuuuuck!
A giant rat which is five times the size of a normal rodent and is fearless of humans has been discovered by scientists.
Researchers believe the mammoth-sized rat is a new breed... but don't worry, they are in Indonesia....for the time being.
Slighty less worringly, they've also found a 'tiny possum.'
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A drunk Cambodian man became embroiled in an unfortunate genital incident when, as he was pissing through a fence, a happy little puppy on the other side mistook his willy for a chew toy and subsequently took a bite.
Doctors were able to save his organ, and are hopeful that the puppy did him no permanent damage.
News agency DPA quoted one doctor as saying: 'It's undoubtedly sore now, but luckily it should still be useful to him in the future.'
Friday, December 14, 2007
An Indian holy man is recovering in hospital after two men cut off his 'magical' right leg and ran off with it.
Yanadi Kondaiah, 80, claimed those who touched his leg would be cured of illness or have wishes granted.
But the Hindu's claims appear to have backfired, after two strangers plied him with alcohol, then cut off his leg with a sickle.
Police said Kondaiah,who lives in a village near the city of Tirupati, was approached by two men who asked him to help them with his magical powers.
A male swan shunned by females for his deformed neck may finally have found a girlfriend after seven years.
Crinkly the ugly swan has become well-known at a Gloucester bird sanctuary, after flying in from Russia every winter since 2001.
But conservation workers have watched with dismay as Crinkly failed miserably to attract the opposite sex.
"We were worried about Crinkly because he is such a strange-looking bird," said Jools Mackin, spokesperson for Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust.
Until now, none the females at the trust was prepared to mate with him but conservation workers say they can see signs of a budding romance.
"We are delighted because we think Crinkly has finally found a non superficial girlfriend," said Ms Mackin.
If Crinkly can find lurve, then there's hope for me and my crinkly wotsit.
If you're fascinated by big boobies....
Then check out the 'List of big-bust models and performers' in Wikipedia.
As you can tell, it's very slow today. Sorry folks!
A warning on a small tractor that reads 'Danger: Avoid Death' was named Wednesday as the United States' wackiest warning label by an anti-lawsuit group.
The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on product warning labels.
Kevin Soave won the £245 ($500) grand prize for submitting the winning label.
Second place went to a label on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: 'Do not iron while wearing shirt.'
Third prize went for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: 'Do not put child in bag.'
Contest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones said the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is.
'Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense,' Dorigo Jones said in a statement Wednesday.
Those who oppose the contest said that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can save lives.
'Warning labels save lives, so it's shameful that this group would make fun of them in order to further its campaign to weaken our civil justice system,' said Kathleen Flynn Peterson, president of the American Association for Justice, a trial lawyers group.
Honorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City, Michigan, for a label on a letter opener that says: 'Caution: Safety goggles recommended.'
New York state resident Ann Marie Young took the second honorable mention for a warning she found which cautions users: 'The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.'
Thursday, December 13, 2007
ABC report on those hot Mormons
Christmas e-card for you.
EFFECTIVE Sept 1, 2007
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
<>Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Schools face lightning inspections in which Ofsted would turn up without warning under radical plans announced today.
Inspectors will take more notice of "local" intelligence about the performance of a school, such as concerns raised by parents about the quality of teaching.
Bob, if you're reading this- good luck! Mwahaha! *Secretly complains to Ofsted about my fictitious one-legged daughter called Delilah who gave the following answer in an exam:*
Uh oh. I have serious garlic breath! And there's not a mint in sight!
It's all down to the Chicken Caesar sandwich filler from Chavsda (Asda). It's really garlicy but so yummy. I reckon if I were to kiss Dracula (just one of my many sick fantasies), he'd be dead before our lips could touch!
The perfect gift for the festive season!
Give your loved on a Gold Pill. It's a pill dipped in gold and filled with 24-carat gold leaf. You're supposed to eat it "to increase your self-worth."
For just over £200 you can poop out a whole lot of expensive glitter. Please send me a pic of your golden turd!! lol
Hey, that's a great title for a Harry Potter film: Harry Potter and the Golden Turd. Whaddya think?
Gold is so over. I'm waiting for the pill which causes you to shit out precious stones instead. Not pebbles- DIAMONDS! Could be painful. Pah! If you're a fag, then a pain in the ass comes with the territory.
Trout leap for freedom
Go fishy!
The resourceful fish are leaping 3ft out of the water and into an eight-inch pipe which brings fresh water into the farm near Alresford, Hampshire.
Following their instincts the trout, cousins of the Atlantic salmon, then swim against the flow for 30ft before finding freedom at the other end as they plop into a tributary of the River Itchen.
Simon Johnson, director of the Wild Trout Trust, said: "Brown trout do have migratory tendencies and swim upstream, especially in November and December.
"The water coming down from the pipe is oxygenating the pond and this could be kicking in their natural instincts.
"They might well think it is a waterfall and are trying to head up it to find a place to spawn."
Do you want cashback?
AN office worker told an employment tribunal her boss “swiped his credit card” between her breasts. LOL!
Ms Mackie told the tribunal at the Cunard Building that John Ayre, managing director at G Security and Surveillance, ran his card between her breasts during a charity day at a Wirral golf club in July 2006.
Ms Mackie is claiming constructive dismissal and sexual harassment.
A senior Australian lawmaker who was once handcuffed in his underpants to a pole during a drunken night in a Russian strip club said Wednesday he had learned from the experience: 'always wear clean underwear.'
Sen. Nigel Scullion said he enjoyed his night out in 1998 in St. Petersburg where, as a professional fisherman, he led an Australian delegation at a global fishing conference.
Ewwwww shitty pants!
A little girl with a third arm growing out of her back has undergone life or death surgery at a military hospital in Beijing.
A large team of doctors, neuro and plastic surgeons and orthopaedic specialists carried out an operation to remove the extra limb from 11-year-old Ren Xin - dubbed the 'angel with wings'. Wings? It looks like a foetus!
The extra arm came from an undeveloped parasitic twin.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I'm driving along at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!
I swerved right, and then left, and it was still right there!!
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you as we experience winter.
'WINTER '
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT!
It's Cold!
The End
Recipe for lurve
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town.
German men are the world's worst lovers, according to a poll of 10,000 women travellers.
They are branded selfish in bed while second-placed Swedes are too quick.
Third are the "too rough" Dutch, followed by "too dominant Americans, "soppy" Welshmen and "too loud" Scots.
Englishmen were voted 10th worst for being too chubby. Turks were sweaty, Greeks smelly and Russians hairy.
Women from 50 countries were quizzed on social networking site WAYN.com.
Spokesman Peter Ward said: "Who would have thought Welshmen were better lovers than Swedes? But I would remind girls, it takes two to tango."
Italian men were voted best lovers followed by males from France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, Spain, Denmark, New Zealand, Brazil and Canada.
World's most expensive cocktail
The world's most expensive cocktail has been launched at a London nightclub.
The £35,000 Flawless has to be ordered in advance at the Movida nightclub - a West End celebrity hangout.
It consists of a large measure of Louis XII cognac, half a bottle of Cristal Rose champagne, brown sugar, angostura bitters and a few flakes of 24-carat edible gold leaf.
But the reason for the price can be found at the bottom of the crystal glass - an 11-carat white diamond ring.
Party-goers ordering the drink will be rewarded with a floorshow, with the drink mixed in front of them, and two security guards.
Ed Rollason, the bar manager, said: "They are definitely paying for the show as well. They will have the attention of everyone in the bar."
You really should call your mamma once in a while
Indians who neglect their ageing parents face possible prison under a new law passed by worried politicians.
The law, passed late on Thursday, reflects concerns that rapid modernization and a growth in nuclear families is undermining a centuries-old social fabric of extended families.
'At least now the elderly can have a roof to live under and food to eat in their old age,' Gyan Prakash Pilania, a Hindu nationalist MP, was quoted as saying in local news reports.
Under the law, Indians can face up to a month in jail if found guilty of parental neglect.
The law also allows authorities to order children or relatives to pay a monthly maintenance allowance to the aged.
A judge is set to reach a decision in the case of a woman put on trial for swearing at her own toilet.
Dawn Herb, 33, was cited for disorderly conduct after her neighbor, an off-duty police officer, called authorities to complain about her potty mouth. Herb pleaded innocent and went on trial on Monday in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
The mother of four does not deny letting loose a string of profanities when her toilet overflowed Oct. 11. But her lawyer, Barry Dyller, told the judge that cursing in one's own home is not a crime.
'The laws cannot require us to speak eloquently, in good taste or an inoffensive fashion. We are allowed to speak colorfully and that is absolutely constitutionally protected,' Dyller said after the hearing.
Judge Terrence Gallagher said he will issue a decision in a few days. If convicted of the summary offense, Herb faces up to 90 days in jail. Herb did not testify and her lawyer advised her not to speak to reporters.
Patrolman Patrick Gilman, Herb's neighbor in Scranton, about 120 miles west of New York, testified that he was off duty and at home when his 12-year-old daughter came running into the house and told him that she had heard loud curses coming from a house down the street.
Gilman, who lives a few houses away from Herb, said he went outside to investigate, heard the profanity and yelled out to Herb to 'watch your mouth.' He said Herb refused to quiet down and instead cursed at him. Gilman then called a patrolman, who issued the citation.
Gilman declined to comment Monday, as did the officer who cited Herb.
In Pennsylvania, someone can be convicted of disorderly conduct for using obscene language or gestures in a way that causes 'public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm.'
Dyller, who is handling the case on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union, said state and federal courts have consistently interpreted 'obscene' to mean material that appeals to the 'prurient' interest and depicts sex in a patently offensive way. There was nothing sexual about the words coming out of Herb's mouth, he said.
'We're allowed to swear at each other. It doesn't mean we should, but we are allowed to, and the government and the law cannot stick its nose into these private matters,' he said.
The issue has arisen before in Pennsylvania. In February, the ACLU filed a lawsuit against the city of Pittsburgh and a police officer on behalf of a man who was cited with disorderly conduct for making an obscene gesture at the officer. That charge was ultimately dismissed.
I don't think this will win any Michelin stars
The bustling New Lucky Restaurant in Ahmadabad, India is famous for its milky tea, its buttery rolls... and the graves between the tables.
Krishan Kutti Nair has helped run the restaurant built over a centuries-old Muslim cemetery for close to four decades, but he doesn't know who is buried in the cafe floor. Customers seem to like the graves, which resemble small cement coffins, and that's enough for him.
'The graveyard is good luck,' Nair said one recent afternoon after the lunch rush. 'Our business is better because of the graveyard-and the fragrant odours'.
The graves are painted green, stand about shin high, and every day the manager decorates each of them with a single dried flower. They're scattered randomly across the restaurant.
The waiters know the floor plan and have mastered the delicate dance of shimmying between graves with a tray of hot tea in each hand. 'We're used to it,' said waiter Kayyum Sheikh.
'There's nothing odd about it,' he added.
Budgie Smuggler!
Designer Armani, said of Beckham: 'He represents a notion of modern masculinity: as a sports hero, husband and father (and Minnie Mouse).'
Becks does absolutely nothing for me. What's happening in his panties? It's all bulge and there's no sign of the snake! Must be one of Posh's implants.
Monday, December 10, 2007
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
Dating advice from....the Daily Mail?
A recent survey of 1,168 office workers in England discovered that 49 per cent admitted they would go all the way with a fellow employee if the opportunity presented itself.
And almost 33 per cent had previously had sex with a colleague after (or during) an office Christmas party.
For those of you swooning over that distractingly gorgeous colleague for what has seemed like for ever, this is your big chance.
Play your cards right and you could be waking up with more than a mind-numbing hangover the day after the annual office bash.
The question is, how do you get the guy? The answer depends on the type of guy you've set your sights on.
'You must always bear in mind the fine line between expressing sexual interest and getting yourself sacked'
Just as with any business presentation, the key here is to know your audience. So, with that special someone in mind, consider the following:
THE BOSS
We may as well begin right at the top. This is a particularly sticky one ladies so, at the outset, let's be clear that it's usually best not to have a fling with your boss.
It could lead to anything from official company reprimands to an outright sacking. So be sure he's worth it. If you think he is, you must be tremendously careful from start to finish.
Always bear in mind that fine line between expressing sexual interest and getting yourself sacked.
On the flip side, you have to make sure he knows that if he returns your advances, you aren't going to sue for sexual harassment.
Secondly, don't drink. This is the one guy you need to be stone-cold (or at least mostly) sober with.
I suggest the following approach: move in subtly, making sure you are sending clear signals in a private moment. Express your interest in him to him and not to the whole room.
A carefully placed word, touching his arm or brushing up against him when no one else can see, will let him know that you mean business, so to speak.
Say something like "I love working for you. I think you are amazing at what you do. But I have to admit, I have always found you pretty sexy as well", pause here and smile, tilt your head, wait for it . . . then say: "You know I'm single, right?"
Then, if he's interested, let him make the next move and you can seal the deal outside the presence of everyone else at the party. If he does not seem to reciprocate, back off, and fast.
Remember, both of your careers are at stake if anything goes awry and tongues start wagging - and no one wants to be seen as the person who slept her way to the top.
THE OFFICE GEEK
Do you have your eye on the geeky, shy guy who seems to have no idea of his effect on you? Then take note.
During the rest of the year, this guy can be one of the most difficult guys to pull, for several reasons.
First of all, he never makes a move on anyone without a great deal of alcohol in his system.
And, to make matters worse, he's the type of guy who rarely makes it out to drinks after work - he's always too busy rushing off to get the new Lord Of The Rings Xbox game, or breaking in a fat, new volume of Sudoku puzzles.
So if you're into this guy, even though by all accounts you may be out of his league in the first place, it can get frustrating that nothing is happening.
Don't lose heart. The biggest geek in your office is probably the most likely and best candidate for a hook-up at the Christmas party.
Think of it: a social occasion he is obligated to attend because it's work-related, and over-drinking is practically compulsory.
And unlike the office Casanova, this guy won't be talking to any girl who will listen to him so, if you play your cards right, you can have him all to yourself in no time.
Three important words: Come On Strong. Remember that he almost certainly has no idea he's even sexy to you. You have to go out of your way to make him see it.
Compliment him a lot and do your best to make him feel comfortable. At the same time drop very broad hints about how you've admired him for a long time.
For example: "I found your presentation to the client last week really inspiring - and I loved your tie that day. You looked so handsome in that suit as well."
Do your homework and know his interests: "That's funny I also love CSI/Star Trek/Dr Who!"
Touch his arm, bat your eyelashes, ask him to dance, and keep him close to the bar.
Remember, you are working against gravity here. And you need him to feel a sudden, irresistible urge to throw his normal degree of caution to the wind and do something rash with someone he likes and trusts (you, hopefully).
Oh, and by the way, a few extra shots for you probably wouldn't go amiss either.
THE CASANOVA
Ah, The Casanova. The office hottie. The ultimate in day-to-day eye candy. You see him swagger past your desk each morning and you think: "God, when am I going to get me some of that"? Well, ladies, here's your chance.
Know what you're up against going in. This guy is terrible boyfriend material. If it's a relationship you want, see the office geek above.
If it's a passionate snog (or more) with the sexiest thing you've ever seen, then this is achievable.
The key here is to lay some groundwork in the weeks before the party. It is imperative with the Casanova type that you stand out from the rest of the pack.
Remember, there are already dozens of women in the office drooling over this stallion. You need to appear indifferent to his appeal, smile patronisingly at his jokes and end every conversation exchange before he does.
And as far as he's concerned you are busy and always dating someone new, not interested in him and breaking hearts all over town.
It is at the Christmas party that he sees you finally let your guard down.
You laugh for the first time at something he says; you smile provocatively and flirt with him; lean in and whisper in his ear:
"You know, to be honest, I never really got what it is about you that drives women in our office crazy - until now."
Then walk away. Trust me, if he is attracted to you at all, he will follow.
The smell of a hard-won victory not far off will be impossible for him to resist, and so will you.
But remember, this guy is all about the chase. You may pull him, but don't expect him to call you the next day.
THE 'MAIL ROOM GUY'
This is the guy you adore whose job is a lot lower than yours and who, by all old-fashioned ridiculous notions of who belongs with whom, is wildly inappropriate for you to date.
He's the guy who works in the mail room, or the guy five years younger than you answering phones in the lobby.
But you can't help it. No matter how weird it looks to anyone else, he makes you weak at the knees. This guy is probably terrified to make any kind of move.
First of all, make it clear that these class divisions and socio- economic barriers mean nothing to you.
That you are, in the words of Julia Roberts in Notting Hill: "Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
Ok, well that's a little dramatic, but you get the drift.
Here's what you do - make it easy for him. Sidle up to him, ask if he's having a good time and above all, be selfdeprecating. And don't talk about work. At all.
Why remind him of that place where there are barriers against this thing happening in the first place?
Say things like: "Oh gosh I love this song, but I am a terrible dancer, I always end up making such a fool of myself at things like this."
Or "I have this horrible confession to make" pause: "I am a huge fan of James Blunt/Celine Dion/G4. Is there anything that can be done for me?"
And be sure to flatter him about his choice of drink. "I've always found that men who drink Jack Daniel's/Vodka tonics/Merlot are incredibly sexy/good in bed," smile, pause and say: "Oh God, did I say that out loud?"
Again, subtle is not what we're after here, ladies, not if you want to end up under the mistletoe with this one.
Bra that prevents your boobies from jiggling!
As most women would attest, it is almost impossible to take the jiggling out of jogging.
Even the most expensive sports bras can fail to stop the painful bouncing which leads to long-term damage.
But now scientists claim to have found a way to make the perfect scaffolding for every woman's set.
Fitted with tiny sensors, the fabric will monitor and measure even the smallest movement in the breast.
This means that manufacturers can better stop the jiggle - and also prevent their designs from adding to the problem.
The fabric has already been used to pinpoint faults with current bra design.
Where can I get one?!!! I need some support in that area too.
A wildlife group is selling rhino droppings on eBay in an effort to fund conservation projects.
The International Rhino Foundation, based in Florida in the US, is selling the dung, which is dried and mounted in a trophy case, as an unusual Christmas gift.
Buyers can choose from droppings from the white, black, Indian and Sumatran rhino. Only about 17,500 rhinos remain in the wild, with another 1,200 living in captivity.
Awww
Say hello to the Jerboa, one of the world's shyest creatures. Well, if you had ears like that, would you go out?
The tiny Mongolian rodent, described as a mouse-sized kangaroo, has been caught on film for the first time by a team from the Zoological Society of London. The jerboa are feared to be in danger because of new predators.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Court battle over a friggin' parrot!
BBC:
A legal battle is under way in the western Greek city of Patras over a parrot that is facing a $650 (£320; 444 euros) parking ticket.
The local council says his perch is illegally parked and is obstructing drivers because it partially blocks a metered parking space.
Coco the parrot's owner, Lambros Michalopoulos, says the bird will die if it has to move back inside.
Neither side is backing down so now the dispute is going to the courts.
Coco's owner is hoping that the case will be laughed out of court.
The first Sex And The City film has yet to hit the big screen but the producers are so confident of its success that they are already planning a sequel.
The four stars – Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon – who have been filming Sex And The City: The Movie on the streets of New York for the past two months, have the option to make a follow-up written into their contracts and all four are keen to cash in on the success of the hit TV series.
THREE Irish soccer stars have been caught on film “roasting” a girl in a sordid sex orgy.
The players are shown on the home made porn movie having a threesome with a brunette while three other footballers watch.
The Irish Football Association has launched an inquiry into the sex scandal and plans to speak to some Irish League players about their alleged involvement.
One player is pictured wearing gloves and a football shirt as he receives oral sex from the Co Down girl as she is having sex with another.
An onlooker is seen pleasuring himself on the video while watching the two footballers having sex with the brunette.
Another hides behind a bath shower curtain during the X-rated footage.
Needless to say I'll be watching out for the video and as soon as I find it you will be the first to know!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Some faggy Kylie tunes for the weekend
These are the songs I like off her new album:
Sensitized
The One
Stars
Wow
OK, so it might look like a piece of shit, but it is actually a gold nugget, said to feature the image of a pregnant Virgin Mary. Oh, and it gets better. It is also said to provide the holder of the turd- I mean- nugget with healing powers.
Linda Gillatt, 55, of Cheltenham, Gloucs, was given the treasure by a Papua New Guinean chief four years ago.
She first noticed its power when she had it in her hand as she gave a friend in pain a hug.
Mrs Gillatt said: “My hands began to heat up. She looked at the nugget and exclaimed, hysterically: ‘Oh my God! It’s Mother Mary!’”
She said the woman’s pain then receded – the first of several “cures”.
Hmm I dunno about Mary, 'cause all I can recognise is Gollum!
Budgie is hooked on whisky.
Awww so cute! I love birdies!
A budgie has lived to the grand age of 10 — thanks to his love of whisky.
Pickachu has lived twice as long as the average budgie and his owners Lisa Morrison and hubby Gordon reckon it’s down to the odd dram.
Hello fags, fag-hags, hag-fags (lesbos) and breeders.
I went Christmas shopping this morning. Surprisingly, it wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be. Basically, I bought everything from Marks and Spencer. They have everything you need under one roof (they're not paying me to say this). Dad's getting some luxurious silk pyjamas; mum's getting a couple of pairs of trackie bottoms (well, she needs something with an elasticated waist to contain her belly); auntie is getting a tin of organic Scottish shortbread. It looks divine! Bless those Scots! She's also getting a milk chocolate cream liqueur stiletto (as pictured). God, I'm so gay!. My brother is getting a box of chocolates ('cause that's all he deserves); and all my sister wants is cash. If cash is what she wants, cash is what she'll get. *Rummages in my piggy bank for a few coins*.
Friday, December 07, 2007
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
Madonna is naming her next studio album, liqorice, it’s been revealed.
The disc will be released in April and features collaborations with Kanye West and Pharell, amongst others.
According to scientists, kangaroos' farts are fighting global warming.
Thanks to a special bacteria in their stomachs, kangaroos do not emit harmful methane gas when they let off a stinker.
Australian scientists are now planning to transfer that bacteria into cows and sheep to make their flatulence eco-friendly.
It will take researchers about three years to isolate the bacteria before they can think of a way to transfer it to other animals.
A woman has been jailed in Cyprus after being found guilty of practicing sorcery with the help of a pair of pants and a raw egg.
The 69 year-old woman was ordered to serve 20 days in prison after she tried to convince a man that a deadly spell had been placed on him.
She told her victim that he would die in his sleep within 22 days if the spell, supposedly cast on him by his mother-in-law and estranged wife, was not lifted.
She said she would break the curse if he gave her 5,000 Cypriot pounds, along with a spoon, an egg, a plate, a urine sample and a pair of underpants, which she used to perform a bizarre ceremony.
The woman then produced a nail with hairs wrapped around it, which she said she had found inside the egg, and told the man that this was proof that the spell had been cast.
Ouch!
Fire fighters came to the rescue of a man who found himself in a bit of a tight spot after getting a metal ring stuck on the end of his penis.
The man, who has not been named, was rushed to the Royal Wigan Infirmary in Greater Manchester where doctors feared they would have to amputate as the ring was slowly cutting off the blood supply.
Firemen arrived at the hospital after an alert was issued and used a mini hand grinder to cut through the ring, which appeared to have been cut off from the end of a pipe.
The man was given an anaesthetic and a thin sheet of metal was placed around his penis to protect the skin during the successful 20-minute operation.
Most people probably have more traditional uses in mind for their turkey baster this Christmas but the kitchen device came in handy when a woman gave birth recently in Michigan, USA.
Shannon Mata went into early labour at her home in Gladstone and called her mother-in-law for help.
While the pair waited for an ambulance, emergency staff gave them instructions over the phone. Luckily, off-duty paramedic Edwin LaCosse heard the converstation on his radio and rushed over to Mata's home.
The resourceful paramedic successfully delivered the baby and then used a turkey baster to clear her nose and mouth, and a shoelace to tie off the umbilical cord.
Mother and baby are both said to be doing well.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
The falcon is plucking its unfortunate prey – a common gull (Larus canus) – taking care of the neck first.
Then a buzzard (Buteo buteo) shows up and chases-off the falcon, who leaves its prey behind. What follows is the remarkable revival of the gull. The brave bird gets up, stands fiercely on its feet and looks unharmed, … except for some missing feathers.
An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
Damn. Is this what I have missed out on?
Threesomes in the office, affairs with football stars and drunken antics – it might sound like an episode of Californication but it is actually a picture of the seedy underworld of Britain's top law firms.
A collection of mouthwatering teasers published in the lawyers' magazine Legal Business is set to get tongues wagging.
Some of the most tantalising questions in this year's Christmas quiz are: Which female partner at a top City law firm was sent to Asia after she was caught having a threesome with two trainees – in the office?
And which City partner had to take time off work after discovering his wife was seeing a Premiership footballer?
Legal Business editor James Baxter said: 'Most of our readers can't wait for the list to come out. It's a good crop this year. It tends to set tongues wagging in the legal world.
Forget about cocaine, cannabis and all those other boring drugs. Doing some amphibian is the new way to get high.
According to officials in the US, smoking toad is the latest craze among drug users.
Toad licking has been done for a number of years, and is parodied in TV shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy.
However, smoking the animal has become popular. Venom is extracted from the Sonoran Desert toad on the Colorado River.
The venom, which is secreted when the toad is angry or scared, contains a hallucinogen called bufotenine - it can be dried and then smoked.
In October, a man from Kansas City was charged with possessing a controlled substance after police determined he had a toad with the intent to use it to get high.Woman knocks hubby out with a spud
All couples have their arguments, but usually vegetables aren't used as weapons.
When things got heated between a husband and wife in Nicholson, Georgia, she reached for the first thing that came to hand - a spud.
When her partner called her by a rude word, she grabbed the potato and threw it at him.
The spud hit him square in the nose, knocking him unconscious.
Police were called to the house on Thanksgiving morning. The 43-year-old woman told them that she and her husband started to argue in the kitchen at about 1am. The couple had been drinking.
The woman said she didn't mean to hit her husband and called police as soon as he fell unconscious. Her husband decided not to press charges.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
I took my dad to the shopping mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My Dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: 'I got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son .'
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
I purchased a teddy bear yesterday for a tenner..... I named it Mohammed.
Then I sold it on eBay for twenty quid.
My question is....have I made a prophet?
The politically correct Christmas?
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas
This is for computer geeks. I couldn't bring myself to finish reading it.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Don't buy cheap flip flops!
Many products coming out of china are now being recalled due to unsafe materials to make products and keep the budget at a low cost. Lead is mixed in the paint for toys and here is what happened when a customer bought a pair of flip flops from wal-mart; these were CHEMICAL BURNS:
Gross!
Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I am moving to Houston and when I get there.............
I'm setting my house on fire!!! 
Just concentrate on the bods, rather than the faces. lol
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, sir"
"£85?, the man replies. Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the
Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
It's always erect;
stays up for 12 days and nights;
has cute balls; and
looks good with the lights on!
Why women should avoid girls' nights out after they are married...
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'midnight' He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shit', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A Chinese man found £200 in the belly of a rotten fish his dog had found in the rubbish.
Mr Wang, of Huichun city, says he noticed his dog enjoying a fish, and, curious, decided to check it out. As you do.
"I lifted the fish, and saw it was already rotting. But then a package wrapped in oily paper dropped out," he told the City Evening.
"I used a stick to poke the package to make sure it wasn't a prank or something."
Wang says that when he saw money inside, he couldn't believe his eyes. The money came to 3,000 yuan, nearly £200.
"The fish must have been given to someone as a present. But I guess they didn't know about the money," he added.
Wang says he will return the money if anyone can correctly identify the colour and other characteristics of the package.
Sex can be used to sell anything! Even coffins!
An Italian firm of undertakers has unveiled its 2008 calendar - featuring glamour models draped over its range of coffins.
The calendar shows women in sexy underwear posing with coffins which can be ordered from the Cofanifunebri undertakers in Rome.
Owber Maurizio Matteucci defended the calendar - on sale at his firm's outlets for just £7 - which has caused outrage in the Catholic country.
He said: "It is good marketing but it is also but also a way to play down such a serious subject and to smile.
"Coffins are consumer goods like any other things, so I sell in the same way as any other consumer goods are sold. The calendar is very popular."
Being a tourist is hard work. You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You get trampled on by others like you.
For a group of fed up Chinese travellers, being brought into too many shops was the last straw.
While being herded like cattle around Macau, the 100-strong group started a mutiny against their stunned guides.
They said they wanted to see historical sites, not shops. They were taken to a beach, but were not allowed to grab warmer clothing from their bus.
When this happened, a scuffle broke out between tourists and guides, and police were called.
However, they were unable to break up the fight, meaning riot police armed with shields and batons had to wade in.
It's official: man flu is a myth. But lady flu appears to be a problem in offices throughout the nation.
Two-thirds of men will not let a cold keep them off work compared with only half of women, a survey revealed.
Skivers resorted to bizarre excuses to stay at home including: 'Watford got relegated and I couldn't face work.'
Others which filled out a top ten included: 'My cat is depressed', 'My hamster died', 'A bird pooed on my head', 'I'm having a bad hair day', 'I can't find my false teeth', 'My dog caught fire', 'I have to go to the first day of the Next sale', 'My brain hurts' and 'I was cooking my breakfast in the microwave and it exploded'.
Geordies prove their fearlessness of the cold as the toughest 'flu fighters'.
Those most likely to stay at home were women aged 24 to 28 working in travel, hospitality and PR.
The wimpiest cities were Brighton and Nottingham. 'Busy lives mean many of us simply can't give up at the first sign of a sniffle,' said Francesca Gates, of Beechams, which carried out the research.
A social club has warned long-standing member Maurice Fox that a wind of change is sweeping the establishment – so would he please keep his flatulence outside.
A letter to the 77-year-old, from the Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Paignton, Devon, tells him that his continual breaking of wind is 'considered disgusting' and would he please 'go outside when required'.
But the club said that, however much of an 'old fart' he is, Mr Fox will not be suspended. The retired bus driver admitted: 'I can be a little loud every now and again.'
A 60-year-old fencing instructor gave a 15-year-old pupil lacy undies before seducing her in his marital bed, a court heard.
Lorenzo Gandini taught at the girl’s school and is also said to have bombarded her with letters calling her a “foxy lady”. LOL! Do people still use that line?
Gandini, of West Molesey, Surrey, denies abusing a position of trust and engaging in sexual activity with an under-age girl. The trial at Guildford Crown Court continues.
Sicko! Leathery hands caressing the girl's breast buds. *Shudders* What a slut!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Christian Bale is set to star in the Terminator reboot...Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. Bale will take on the John Connor role. One source tells Hollywood Insider that the story line is a big departure from the originals starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Details are being kept so close to the vest that only a very few people have read the last ten pages of the script. All we know is that Bale is one valuable commodity to those folks at Warners.
So, this fireman is miffed that now has to pay maintenance to the lesbian who's looking after the child he fathered.
I don't give a shit that he didn't intend to play a part in the kid's upbringing. The fact is, it's his sperm, and it is neither here nor there that he chose to donate his swimmers via a turkey baster rather than by the conventional method.
If he didn't want financial responsibility, then he should have donated his sperm to a fertility clinic.
Aww this little hedgehog has hurt his feet!
Awww. Hurt animals are well cute. Now he just needs a Zimmer frame to complete the look.
Santa Claus has been accused of talking dirty to children online.
One web user says Father Christmas posted messages about oral sex. He is later alleged to have called someone a 'dirty bastard'.
Technology website The Register claimed one of its readers contacted them about the Bad Santa.
His nieces were using the new automated Santa Internet bot by Microsoft, which can send and receive messages, usually about helping elves.
The reader had added northpole@live.com to MSN messenger, but claimed his two nieces, aged 11 and 13, were subjected to a chat about oral sex by Santa.
He claimed Claus talked filthy after his nieces offered him a slice of pizza.
The Register then signed up for the same Microsoft bot to talk to Saint Nick.
When it teased Santa about wanting to eat pizza, the Jolly One allegedly replied: 'You want me to eat what?!? It's fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else...'
Santa later said: 'I think you're dirty bastard.'
The Register claimed it tried to chat to Santa again later, but the problem appeared to be fixed.
When asked to eat pizza, he said: 'If you need a break to go eat, I will be right there when you come back.'
Call Santa a 'dirty bastard' and he will now say: 'Merry Christmas, especially to all my friends in the UK!'
Microsoft apologised for any offence caused by the automated Santa and said it was investigating.
I'm soooo sorry, it's bloody quiet these days. Argh!
So here's a story about a crazy Jap with a penchant for girls' panties.
A Japanese man who enjoyed wearing girls' underwear behind closed doors decided to share his love of knickers with the world.
Kazuo Oshitani, a 48-year-old office clerk, decorated his neighbourhood in knickers and stockings which he had worn.
The father-of-three is alleged to have slipped into a range of ladies' briefs and then scattered them all over his street in Osaka.
He is accused of putting underwear on bicycles, cars and the front doors of his neighbours.
Police received about 170 complaints from local residents. When they raided Oshitani's house, they found more than 200 pairs of women's underwear and didos.
What he gets up to in private, however, is not illegal. He was arrested for littering.
According to police, he said: 'I found it sexually arousing to imagine how shocked people would get when spotting the underwear.'
Monday, December 03, 2007
How can you possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin news:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. -------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. -------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. -------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. -------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. -------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
A zoo caged a cheeky mynah bird for 15 days for being abusive to tourists.
Eight-year-old Mimi was put in solitary confinement at Yuelishan Park in Changsha city, after a visitor complained.
She had to stay in a darkened cage and listen to recordings of polite conversation in a bid to improve her behaviour.
"I was playing with her, and suddenly she said: "You're a stupid man"," the tourist, Mr Du, told the Chongqing Evening News.
"She also called me an ugly man."
A park spokesman said: "When she swears, the feeder refuses to feed her. And while she's confined, we play her tapes of polite speech."
The park says the sentence has cured Mimi of her habit, and that she is now welcoming guests pleasantly.
"We hope tourists won't teach her to swear again," added the spokesman.
Condom dress. Classy huh?
Chinese nurses are wearing dresses made of condoms to promote safe sex.
The two nurses, from a hospital in Xiamen city, showed off their condom outfits at a public health promotion.
More than 5,000 condoms and two weeks' work went into making the two dresses, reports People's Daily.
"They're a visual shock, and good to remind people of the importance of safe sex," said a hospital spokesman.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
This is soooo ewww, ewwww, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
This lesbo porn is called "2 Girls 1 Cup" and....it's fucking SICK! Be warned!
I fancy tucking into my Green and Black's organic chocolate ice cream now....
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Zealots armed with knives and clubs called for teacher Gillian Gibbons to be executed as they marched through Sudan's capital yesterday.
More than a thousand fanatics chanted: "No tolerance. Execution. Kill her, kill her by firing squad. Shame, shame on the UK."
Karouri, a cleric at Khartoum's main Martyrs Mosque denounced Gillian saying she had deliberately insulted Islam. He said in his sermon: "This an arrogant woman who came to our country, cashing her salary in dollars, teaching our children hatred of our Prophet Mohammed."
He added: "Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan. We want blood!"
LOL! These people really do live up to their reputation as crazy, irrational, extremist idiots! No wonder their country is in turmoil. Calm the fook down already!
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