Angry parents of children at a Croatian primary school want a sleeping teacher sacked.

The parents of 23 pupils at the Meje Primary School in Split in southern Croatia are refusing to allow their children to attend classes.

They say they will not return until the 44-year-old female language teacher is dismissed.

One of the ten-year-old pupils said: "She comes in, cuts her nails, puts her make up on and then goes to sleep. She doesn't do anything else."

Why the fuck is the 10-year-old complaining? I like the sound of this slutty, lazy-ass teacher!

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there", indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own returns. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Reporter gets bird shit in his mouth!

The REAL cause of the British Airways accident

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

Alfie ordered to trim his bush

With all the facials, manicures and bikini waxes, us girls have got it tough.

But spare a thought for lil' Alfie Allen as he strips off tonight for his first night in Equus - in front of his pop star sister, Lily, and hellraising dad, Keith.

The young thesp is out of control... not in his usual beer-loving way, but, how can I put this... in the nether region fur department.

So much so that the 21-year-old has been ordered to trim back his luxurious undergrowth.

A source said "Rehearsals for one of the play's climactic scenes, in which he appears naked alongside co-star Laura O'Toole, revealed a knotty problem - his pubic hair. Apparently, Alfie is a grower not a show-er and his unkempt bush needed to be cut back.

"It was out of control and not doing justice to his manhood..

"It was quite awkward and no one knew how to tell him and who should do it. But when Alfie was told, he took it like a man - and reached for the nail scissors. Now he can't wait to get up on stage and show off his super buff and aerodynamic bod."

A couple have been jailed for 18 months each for operating a brothel from a....graveyard!

Anthony Pryor, 59, and wife Quing Hua, 37, kept illegal immigrant Chinese whores at a rented cottage in the cemetery.

Their newspaper ads offering “Chinese remedies” attracted so many men the graveyard was “like Piccadilly Circus”.

The pair, of Epping, Essex, were convicted of running the brothel at Sudbury, Suffolk, a second in Ipswich and a third at Braintree, Essex.

Judge David Turner, at Chelmsford Crown Court, told them they had made “depraved arrangements”.

Mind the bum fluff on the seats!

Holidaying German nudists will soon be able to strip off on a plane on the way to their destination.

Travel agency website - Ossiurlaub.de - is offering a trial nudist day trip from Erfurt to the Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing £370.

"I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer," said Enrico Hess, the managing director. "It's an unusual gap in the market."

The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking, said Mr Hess. The crew will remain clothed for safety reasons.

My room is booked already!

Europe's first old people's home for gay residents is already a huge success in its first month.

The purpose-built, four-story facility in Berlin, which caters for 28 residents in luxury rooms, is fully booked.

The home for elderly homosexuals was first proposed in 1995 but plans were only drafted in 2001.

Money was raised through fund-raising events and the project was pushed ahead with the public backing of Berlin's gay Mayor Klaus Wowereit.

The aim is to allow elderly gays to live in a facility where they do not need to worry about reactions to their sexual orientation.

Christian Hamm, a Berlin-based architect and nursing home board member who came up with the idea for the home, said: "When you're old the last thing that you want to do is to have to hide.

"And you certainly don't want to give up your identity and live in some hostile environment, possibly sharing a room with someone who despises you."

A cow that escaped from a farm caused havoc on a motorway on the Gold Coast on Monday.

The walking hamburger was discovered toddling along a major motorway near the town of Nerang, 43 miles south of Brisbane, after it escaped from a nearby property.

Traffic travelling in both directions came to a halt, and police said the animal was causing a hazard to motorists. Unfortunately, they had some difficulty actually trapping it.

They tried to contain the cow by locking up a fence using a chain.

But after ramming the fence, the cow managed to jump over the chain and continued to run along the motorway.

This zany, high-spirited and knockabout chase was finally brought to a disheartening end, as police were forced to shoot and kill the animal after an hour-long pursuit.

Kylie Wow Music Vid

Great song, but unoriginal video. And those friggin' dancers are wearing the same old headgear!

FOR ALL THOSE WHO MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY...

It can always be WORSE!

OUCH!!!!

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands and tried to swallow it has been jailed.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out.

A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones.

Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

So, this Islamic loony plotted to behead a British Muslim like a pig eh?
Beheadings- because that's the solution to life's problems, innit?
Someone should behead this bitch!

Lego Porn

Crissy and her pal call an engineer to come and fix their telephone - which is not broken - and when a plumber turns up, they all end up in an orgy.



Adult Lego Star Wars



Sex and Slaughter

Random Thriller dance on the Tube!

NO SPEEKA DA ENGLIS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

One Republic-Stop and Stare

They're back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services :

Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight : "Searching for Jesus."


Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.


Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


Ø Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.


Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.


Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."


Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

An 18 year-old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

Hospital food really is bad

Authorities in Slovenia are investigating after a piece of human tongue was served up in a hospital canteen.

A doctor at the town hospital in Izola in southern Slovenia complained about the strange looking piece of meat in his meal after he ordered a chicken risotto in the hospital canteen.

The doctor insisted it was not chicken, and after a row with staff the piece of meat was sent for tests - which later showed it was part of a human tongue.

Health inspectors have closed the restaurant and are reviewing hygiene standards.

Managers said the small piece of tongue could have been accidentally dropped into the food by a doctor who had come into the canteen straight after treating a patient.

The cruelest form of eye tests for old geezers !

Tsk. Sorry folks. It's friggin' busy at work and I have no time to browse for any funnies! Ahh, if it wasn't for my trusty Stephen, this blog would've died a long time ago. Cheers mate!

Kelly Rowland - Work (Hindi Mix)

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring
in his trouser pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married;

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis; or

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Ellen DeGeneres Show - I Will Survive

This is slightly worth watching 'cause Jakey shakes his booty.

TOUCHING GRANDMOTHER STORY

A nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of

us, it's too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that

always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the

store on Crawford Road, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs

like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the

crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We

were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda

bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my

own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you

marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A rat was given the kiss of life by an animal-loving copper.

The poorly rodent was spotted by PC Adam Westall while on his beat.

'It ran out in front of me and stopped and looked up at me with its beady eyes,' PC Westall said.

'I cocooned him in my hands and he gave a shudder and fell unconscious. I tried to revive him by blowing into his whiskered nose and rubbing his belly.'

Pregnant Justine Lowe has had advance warning that her unborn son is a tiny terror – after he flicked her the finger from inside the womb.

The offensive Asbo-style salute was revealed when doctors took an ultrasound scan five months into her pregnancy.

"A" Level in Burgerology

McDonald's won government approval for the “basic shift manager” course – the first time a firm has been able to award nationally recognised qualifications for a training scheme.

Staff are examined on human resources, Fries, marketing, condiments, and customer services.

Skills Secretary John Denham said: “It is right that we recognise and accredit employers that have shown a commitment to training and developing their staff.

Some thick Sun reader called Tanya (probably a chavvy hairdresser) commented: "They might like to teach most of the staff to speak english first and that dosnt just include mcdonalds."

*Sigh*. I think Tanya would benefit from a course in flipping burgers.

Introducing a website dedicated to guys' bulges. Some of them look as though they're packing peanuts; others, budgies; and a few guys seem to be concealing gerbils! Enjoy!

George Michael - I Can't Make You Love Me

I love this song!

No Wanking

Sunday Hottie

Bret Harrison

The star of Reaper – being shown on E4.

I would.

WTF?!

Isn't the white stuff supposed to shoot from the other end?

Children's books

Hello sluts. A new website launches tomorrow (Sunday 26th January 2008), called QTrax
which will allow you to legally download free music. 25 million tunes will be available! The downside is that there will be lots of advertising and I think they will be asking for some personal info (but you can always fake it).

It only happens in Japan

Ooh, I think I'd like one of these.

This brings a tear to my eye!

Giving Clothes To Goodwill.



It should make you feel all warm inside knowing that the clothes you previously wore are now gracing another grateful body!



Remember that cleaning out your closets at least once a year and giving former treasures to Goodwill (or charity of your choice) is a great way to give back to your community and help those who are less fortunate.



So look through your closets and see if you don't have something that doesn't fit, or might be a little out of fashion.



Those things will probably fit someone else and could be the height of fashion for them.



With that in mind, I send along this heart-warming photo to inspire you, and remind you that your efforts won't go unnoticed.

Christina Aguilera - Save Me From Myself

Avril Lavigne - Why

Matthew Fox

Jackie Stallone at the Rambo premiere last night. She's my idol! I love this crazy-ass bitch!

Check out the YouTube vid below, which shows a few clips of her in the Big Brother house a few years ago.

Sarah McLachlan- Angel

One of my favourite songs of all time. This is going to be played at my funeral. You're all invited to the party. What a morbid thought.

You wouldn't want to be kneed in the nuts by Eva Longoria, would you?
What is going on down there? Her knees are like golf balls.

Word boffins at the Macquarie Dictionary Down Under are holding an online poll to find the Aussie Word Of The Year from a list of funnies:

Arse antlers

A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side.

Butt bra

A garment worn as a support for the buttocks. [butt + bra]

Credit card tart

A credit-card holder who moves from provider to provider, transferring a loan from one account to another at a similar low rate of interest when the agreed period of the first account is about to expire. Also, card tart, rate tart.

Exergaming

The playing of video games that require the gamers to undertake physical exercise, such as those in which the players engage in an interactive virtual bicycle race on screen by pedalling on a bicycle simulator which drives the visualisation.

Flog

noun a blog which is contrived for marketing purposes. [f(ake) + (b)log]

Floordrobe

A floor littered with discarded clothes, viewed ironically as a clothing storage system. [floor + (war)drobe]

Globesity

The phenomenon of obesity in Western countries, seen as a worldwide health problem. [glob(al) + obesity]

Great Firewall of China

The internet blocking system which prevents access for Chinese internet users to sites deemed undesirable by the Chinese government.

Manscaping

A grooming procedure in which hair is shaved or trimmed from a man's body, as from the back, legs, chest, genitals, etc. [man + (land)scap(e) + -ing].

Read dating

A form of speed dating in which the participants display a list of their favourite books underneath their name tag in order to facilitate the identification of a common interest.

Slummy mummy

A mother of young children who has abandoned all care for her personal appearance. See yummy mummy. [slum + -m- + -y + mummy].

Tanorexia

An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer. [tan + (an)orexica (nervosa)].

Password fatigue

A level of frustration reached by having too many different passwords to remember, resulting in an inability to remember even those most commonly used.

Tart fuel

Wine coolers and alcopops, viewed by men as deceptively alcoholic drinks that will lower a woman's resistance to sexual advances.

Voluntourism

Tourism which combines volunteer work with sightseeing. [volun(teer) + tourism].

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked pretty good for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.
I was almost too damn excited to tell her no, but I managed.
We drank a bit more, then she told me that tonight was "my lucky night."

I can't begin to tell you how excited I was as we headed back to her place. Once we walked in the front door, she slipped me a kiss, turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

Ooh Heath is-I mean-was very cute.


I find it strange that the world is in mourning when a celebrity kicks the bucket. Hello? You didn't know him personally. Sure, it' s a talent utterly wasted. When a person kills himself for whatever reason, it is sad. He was a multi-millionaire who had the world at his feet and had everything to live for, and the poor thespian just couldn't take the pressure of stardom, making movies etc. Poor him.
There are people out there whose lives are so unimaginably shit, but are still going strong. Now that is admirable. His life wasn't taken from him; he took it himself. Pure cowardice.
No one "accidentally" overdoses on sleeping tablets. Let's get that thing quite clear.

Apologies for a slow day. I'm busy at work! For the amount they pay me, they shouldn't expect any work from me. lol
As for my colleague's family meeting last night, it's been agreed that the marriage is off! It turns out the guy is a little psychotic, and he's too macho to admit something's wrong so he does not want to see any psychiatrist or take any medication. In his last phone call to her this afternoon he said: "I just want to say I love you and that you make me feel alive." He then hung up. Now my colleague thinks he might slit his wrists. Sheesh. What a drama queen. lol

A single mother said she shagged England defender Ashley Cole (who's married to Cheryl, of Girls Aloud) after meeting him in a West End club where he had been drinking vodka cocktails.

Ordinarily, I couldn't give a fuck about the lives of WAGS and footballers, but this is amusing and sick, literally.

She said he was sick in the car on the way to his mate's flat - and then again once they began having sex.

Aimee, from Morden, South London, added: "We started having sex then he just rolled over and vomited on the floor all over the cream carpet, it was disgusting."

But Cole was not willing to let that stop him. Aimee said: "He had some mouthwash then jumped back into bed. We started having sex again but his mates piled into the room.

"After they left we finally managed to get going again and tried several positions. Eventually he finished and collapsed. He was panting and clearly had a good time." And then he hurled some more.

LOL! What a slut. Ewww what kind of person carries on having sex after puking? A man.

The advert I'm currently really hating.....

The product? L'Oreal Derma Genesis.

Apparently, "skin feels plumped up, tautened, with a dewy glow".

Oh please. You get the same effects with cum on your face. Oops, have I said too much? lol

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Tesco

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam.

Click image to enlarge.

Sikhs are a strange lot. My colleague was planning on getting married to a guy in August but now the parents are bickering. It seems the guy's parents want to know the birth details of the girl so they can consult an astrologer, to make sure they haven't not a shitty future. But the girl doesn't believe in that and refuses to provide those details. The guy's parents are now miffed and the girl's mum doesn't want the marriage to go ahead. *Screams*
Apparently they're having a big family meeting tonight to decide whether they are to get married, or break off the whole thing. So tragic. Why can't parents keep their butts out?!

Jonny Lee Miller is pretty nice :)

Sorry, it's a long one (ooh'er!).

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY.

Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about

Judge 3 appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report

A thief stole five Rampant Rabbit sex toys from a shop out of desperation, a court heard yesterday.

James Payne, 34, grabbed his £250 haul at an Ann Summers store.

Staff called cops and homeless Payne was arrested in a nearby street with the toys in his bag.

His solicitor Simon Samuels told magistrates he had acted out of “desperation” and hoped to sell the stolen items to raise cash.

What crazy lady is going to buy a sex toy from a vagabond?

Richard Shitson has revealed the designs of his first tourist spaceships which will take fare paying passengers into space.

White Knight Two and SpaceShipTwo are nearly complete and will have their first flight tests later this year.

The Virgin boss said space business had great potential and his all-carbon spacecrafts which will be able to carry eight people, could be used to "help answer questions key questions about Earth's climate and the mysteries of the universe".

*Sigh* Attention-grabbing bitch! Why is he causing such a flurry of excitement with everyone? The cost of flights are prohibitive; well beyond the reach of the average person. The 200 nutters who have signed up are paying £100,000 each! Sure, it'll be a once-in-a-lifetime flight, but Branson is all about novelty and brand recognition and I'm sure this venture won't last long.

This little animal really exists!

It's called a Naked Mole-Rat, from Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,
remember:

Going through life is hard enough,
but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!

Mr. Gay International 2008 Swimsuit Competition

Ugh! Prancing, carbon copy fairies.

A guy who's selling his car on eBay accidentally includes a pic of his girlfriend in her undies! Oops!

I've just seen an episode of South Park where Cartman sets up a Christian rock band. Instead of writing a song from scratch, Cartman finds a random song and simply replaces the word "baby" and "darling" with "Jesus". The results were hilarious:

I need you in my life, Jesus.
I can't live without you, Jesus
And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.
Want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus, I want to feel his salvation all on my face...

LMAO!

Hot granny strippers

“People want something a bit more real,” says Lena, from Hornchurch, Essex.

You can't get any more real than that! Oooh that sexy, crinkly ass!

New Year - New Phrases 2008

A guide to the newest words and phrases of 2008

HEAVAGE: Breasts so big they need a special bra for support

IRRITAINMENT: TV shows and celebs so irritating or bad that they end up being compulsive viewing for all the wrong reasons.

BLAMESTORMING: Getting in a group, discussing why something went wrong and then deciding whose fault it was.

SMIRTING: Flirting between tobacco addicts forced outside by the public smoking ban.

FLEXTING: Flirting through mobile phone texts.

MOBISODE: A clip of a full-length TV show or film made for watching on a mobile phone or MP4 player.

WOOF: Stands for Well Off Old Fogey : the sort a gold-digger goes for.

CHINDIA: The combination of China and India as a major economic force.

OH-NO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time when you realise you’ve just made a huge mistake.

NONEBRITY: Someone who ends up a minor celebrity despite having no obvious talent.

SWIPEOUT: The moment your debit card is swiped at a till and you find you’ve run out of cash. Also used to describe the magnetic strip on a card becoming worn out through overuse.

SINBAD: Stands for Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

MOUSE POTATO: A modern version of a couch potato. Someone who spends all their time at home surfing the internet.

PLAY-DOUGH: Money set aside for a night on the town.

BROMANCE: When two heterosexual lads are such good mates they spend as much time together as a couple.

SCUMMY MUMMY: The opposite of a scrummy mummy.

PROBO: Someone who makes a tidy living from begging. A professional hobo.

TURDBIRD: Someone who flies into a situation, slags it off then goes away again. Like a negative know-it-all.

SAGA LOUTS: Groups of tea-drinking pensioners who travel to garden centres and craft fairs on organised coach trips.

PIKEA: An open-air area such as a lay-by where people dump old furniture.

Demi Moore looks hot! But it's been Photoshopped to death. It's no longer a photograph; it's now a watercolour painting!

Whose dimply legs are these?

Madonna's, of course.




Here she is in all her emaciated glory. Eat a burger, bitch! Her new pet (David) is a bad influence on her diet.

Word's biggest fish finger

With the obligatory blonde sluts, mouths wide open for the camera.

Thomas Yau, 25, swapped his day job at a Halifax call centre for sun and sand in South Africa where he shot the all-singing, all-dancing ad.

He claims people 'can't help but smile' when they see the commercial, but irate viewers disagree and have launched a campaign to get it banned.

Almost 3,000 people have watched the one-minute clip – which features a reworking of the song I'm Into Something Good – on YouTube and have let their feelings be known.

One viewer wrote: 'This is probably more annoying than I'd imagine it would be to be tied to a chair and Lenny Henry tickle you with a feather duster for about 12 hours.'



I have to agree. I hate this fucking advert! The dancing, awful singing and the fucking crab! KPY fancies the panties off Thomas (or Takeshi, as he is probably known as) though. Tee hee.
Of course there's another reason why I hate the Halifax: many years ago I was overdrawn by a tenner and those cunts were charging me £15 for every warning letter and £10 for every phone call. Grrr if only I knew about liquidated damages back then...

Thieving Dwarves!

A gang of crooks is robbing long-distance coaches by smuggling dwarves into their holds inside sports bags.

Once inside the buses the tiny thieves slip out from their hiding place to rifle through the belongings of travellers above them.

They then take their loot back to their hiding place and wait to be collected by another gang member when the coach reaches its destination.

The gang has stolen thousands of pounds in cash, gems and other valuables over the past several months.

Swebus, which operates coach services across Sweden, confirmed the losses.

“We think it is a short, young person, dwarves or perhaps children,” said Ingvar Ryggasjo, sales manager for Swebus.

Police are quizzing “people of limited stature” with criminal records, according to a spokesman in Stockholm. lol!

LMAO! I'm just at work reviewing the standard terms and conditions for contractors providing services to the National Health Service (remember, this doesn't just apply to medical staff) and one of the clauses states:

The Contractor shall only employ staff for the purposes of the Contract who:

are in good health and have a standard of oral and personal hygiene acceptable to the Authority.

So basically, if you have stinky breath and smelly armpits, the Authority could tell you to fook off! Fantastic!

Advert for nipple cream attracts complaints!

The following complaint was made to the Advertising Standards Authority concerning an amusing advert for Boot's nipple cream:

A magazine ad in Best, Chat, OK and Mother & Baby and a radio ad for Boots expert nipple cream.

The magazine ad featured a sketch of a woman holding her baby at arm's length with a grimace on her face. Her dress was open and showed the skin on her breast stretched taut from the baby's mouth. Text stated "Look at you with your cute little nose ... And cute little fingers ... And cute little everything really. Well, except that strong sucking action of yours on my sore nipples. It's not how it's MEANT to be. The mothers in the breastfeeding pamphlets are always smiling serenely. NOT GRIMACING IN PAIN. That's ok, I'll think about the bonding. Still there's always the other side ... Oh, no, that one HURTS too. For the first time in my life I wish I had three nipples." Text at the foot of the ad stated "If you've got cracked nipples, Boots understands how it feels ... The new Boots Expert range. For every problem there's now an expert solution. "

16 members of the public believed the ads were offensive, because they presented an unfair and negative image of breastfeeding.

Poor mommas with cracked nipples. I wonder if some fags with nipple fetishes use this cream too.

RIP Heathy!

Heath Ledger has been found dead at a downtown Manhattan residence, a New York Police Department spokesman has said.

"He was found unconscious at the apartment and pronounced dead," a police spokeswoman said.

It is not yet clear how the 28-year-old Aussie actor died.

He was found stewing in his own filth in the SoHo apartment at around 1530 (2030 GMT).

Police said he had been due to have a massage at the flat. Was he dreading it that much?

UPDATE: OK, so he kicked the bucket due to drugs. I should've known. Police said they found the star in his bedroom butt-naked with pills lying nearby just after 3pm Tuesday. Ooh, I'd have had a fondle. Mmm, mmmm. Gimme some Brokeback Mountain ass anytime-dead or alive! Have I gone too far? lol

Nice Thong

Wanna see more?
































GOTCHA!!!

Apparently these tips work. Obviously I couldn't verify them myself. Give them a try
and see what happens.

(From an investigators listserve in the UK)


4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of
the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial
112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency
number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the
keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.
Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare
keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell
phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the
person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on
their end. Your car will unock.Saves someone from having to drive your keys to
you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you
can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the
doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it
unlocked our car over a mobile phone!"

THIRD Hidden BatteryPower
Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#
Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50%
increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your
mobile next time.

FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on
your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number
is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When
your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this
code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief
changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get
your phone back,but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it
either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing
mobile phones.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on
to your family and friends.

D&G's new panty model

There is a God!

His name is Rusty. Poor sod.

Rory Lamont

Anyone interested in having a unique dining experience? You can have breakfast, lunch, dinner or cocktail or invite your boss for a meeting while enjoying your meal. 50 metres above ground dining event arranged by a professional event arranger of Benji Fun company. It provides 22 seating complete with chef, server, musician and you can select your own location without limitation. Guaranteed safety with the hoisting crane which can accommodate the whole band of musician, or making an automobile presentation to your customers. This restaurant is in Belgium.

Slutty Japs in their utterly pointless swimsuits

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy style."

"Doggy style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say. I sat up and begged while she rolled over and played dead."

Gay and lesbian couples are just as committed as heterosexuals when it comes to relationships, it seems.

Disputing the notion that same-sex couples show less commitment, a US report found there was little difference in how couples viewed each other – whether gay, lesbian or straight.

Report author Glenn Roisman, of Illinois University, said: 'Gay males and lesbians were generally not different from their committed heterosexual counterparts on how well they interacted with one another, although some evidence emerged the lesbos were especially effective at resolving conflict.' Yeah, like punching each other's lights out.

You think these two resolve their conflicts by talking?

Oooh I've learnt something new today.

I didn't know the world of lesbianism was so complicated- there are at least two types of butch!

Did you know a "stone butch" is a lesbian who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually. Sounds a bit like me.

A "soft butch", also known as a "chapstick lesbian" — is a woman who exhibits some stereotypical butch lesbian traits without fitting the masculine stereotype associated with butch lesbians. These traits may or may not include short hair, clothing that was designed for men, and masculine mannerisms and behaviours. Soft butches generally appear androgynous, rather than adhering to strictly feminine or masculine norms. In the spectrum of gender expression among lesbians, a soft butch lies closer to a butch lesbian than to a lipstick lesbian.

And there you go. Lesbianism for beginners. Enjoy your first muff-diving practical!

Robbers steal bread rolls instead of cash

It was a simple plan - steal the takings from a restaurant and make a quick getaway.

But it could not have gone more wrong for the two robbers.

Firstly, the inept robbers discovered they had stolen bread rolls not money - then one accidentally shot his accomplice in the ass.

The pair have been jailed for the failed heist on the Cuckoo Restaurant in Melbourne on April 1 last year.

Benjamin Jorgensen, 38, and Donna Hayes, 36, were sentenced to seven and eight years respectively for the robbery.

Judge Roland Williams described the two, who had expected to steal takings worth about £13,000, as a "pair of fools".

Christina Aguilera's son, Max, was circumcised in a ritual Hebrew ceremony at their Beverly Hills home yesterday.
TUT! How could they allow their son to be butchered? I don't think any baby should be circumcised unless it's for medical reasons. When it comes to religion, people are supposed to have a choice in the matter. What choice did Max get? None. Now he'll grow up with the tip of his penis gradually crusting over, and numbing the beautiful sensations that us uncut dudes have. lol Sure, too much foreskin is no good either, 'cause then it ends up looking like spare luggage.
I'm afraid of putting a cut one in my mouth. Why? Because it looks so fooking dry! I can't help but think that it has the texture of burnt toast!

2008 Naked Fireman Poster

You just had to look, didn't you???!!!

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon

a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling

somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a

price difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,
who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea
when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys
kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all
stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a
while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
>
> Paddy slips over the side only to find himself
> standing in water up
> to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row
> some more."
>
> After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side
> again but the
> water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
>
> Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer
> enuff out Paddy?"
>
> Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost
> immediately says,
> "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his
> chest.
>
> So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy
> slips over the
> side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by
> and poor Mick is
> really getting himself into a state when suddenly
> Paddy breaks the
> surface gasping for breath.
>
> "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
>
> "Aye it is, hand me da shovel."

Yay. I finally have my brand new camera! I don't know how to use it yet, but I love it! It's so sexy I could fuck the aperture. Yeah, my dick is that small. lol

SMART ITALIAN GIRL

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that.

But a most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.

Doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,

I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Nonna fainted!!

World's hairiest man back on the market

The world's hairiest man is looking for a new love on the internet after breaking up with his girlfriend. I guess she was finally fed up of sweeping all the fur balls off the floor.

Yu Zhenhuan, recognised in 2002 as the world's hairiest man by the Guinness Book of Records, is using an online dating agency.

He said: "My whole body is covered with hair, and my parents are worried I won't be able to find a wife. Many girls are shocked when they see me in person.

"I feel like King Kong, hideous, but with a soft and tender heart," he told Zhejiang Online. Aww.

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!"

Dog Obedience School

And the winner is...............

Got a floppy willy but don't want to pay high prices for Viagra?

For men too embarrassed to consult their doctor, it just might be the answer to a bedtime prayer.

A tablet hailed as the natural alternative to Viagra is to go on sale over the counter this week in Superdrug stores at £7.97 for two.

Viapro is made from a total of 22 exotic ingredients including stinging nettles, mountain herbs and the velvet of deer antlers.

The American manufacturers claim the 375mg pill improved the sex drive of more than 90 per cent of men in tests.

Superdrug says it proved popular during a trial at its Brighton branch and is now available at 116 stores nationwide.

Widespread gusset anxiety

Jeremy Paxman (or Pantsman) has low-hangers! He has given M&S a furious dressing down over their underwear and personally emailed their chief executive Sir Stuart Rose to discuss the intimate issue personally.

Nowadays, a whole plethora of trendy pants are on offer in a range of rainbow colours in High Street stores.

But according to Paxman, when it comes to the business of buying a good pair of underpants, it isn’t style that matters but good old-fashioned gusset support.

He said: “Like large numbers of men in this country I have always bought my socks and pants at Marks & Sparks.

“I’ve noticed something very troubling has happened. There’s no other way to put this — their pants no longer provide adequate support.

“When I’ve discussed this with friends and acquaintances it has revealed widespread gusset anxiety.

A jilted boyfriend wreaked revenge on his former lover by showing his mates a secret film of her giving a dog a blow job

Kenneth Morris, 54, was left furious when his former girlfriend ditched him for someone else - and left him footing the rent bill.

When he found a DVD of her performing oral sex on a dog in a homemade film, he decided to get his own back.

Morris copied the DVD then gave it to one unsuspecting friend saying: “Watch this - it’s gross.”

The shocked pal was so disgusted by what he saw he immediately alerted the RSPCA and police.

At Minshull Street Crown Court, Morris of Eccles in Salford, Greater Manchester, admitted distributing obscene material.

It's official- there are no straight guys in the Liberal Democrats. I've just been chatted up by a Lib Dem politician on a gay chat site. Filthy bugger wanted me to do all sorts of unseemly stuff, involving gas masks, among other things. lol

Don't mess with these bitches!

These woman are the Pink Vigilantes, members of a group sworn to root out corruption in the police force and deliver ruthless summary justice to anyone believed guilty of domestic violence or sexual abuse.

The women, who operate in India's northern state of Uttar Pradesh, wear pink as a kind of makeshift uniform - and their ranks have swelled to several hundred strong.

They arm themselves with lathi - traditional sticks - which they have used to beat men who have abandoned or abused their wives and policemen who have refused to register claims of rape.

Sampat, a mother of five who was married at nine, has become a local celebrity.

Intensely proud of her work, she says: "We have managed to stop women being raped and sent girls to school. Violence and rape against women is very common here, so we're trying to educate them so that they know their rights.

"In cases of domestic violence, we go and talk to the man and explain why it is wrong. If he refuses to listen, we get the woman out of the house, then beat him. If necessary, we do it in public to embarrass him.

Good on ya! Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Here are a few snaps of Heathrow hero Peter Burkhill, the Boeing 777 pilot who helped save 152 lives on Thursday.
Yeah, he's supposed to be covered in "chocolate", but after watching Four Girls Finger Paint, I'm not quite so sure. The girls do look a bit slutty, after all.

Stewardesses attended to his every need—which bizarrely even meant putting liqourice up his ass. Eww!

Alabama Emergency Room

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat and clothing, this guy isn't gonna make it!!!!

A cartoon showing squirrels hanging themselves and throwing themselves in front of cars has drawn the ire of Romanian broadcasting authorities.

The Romanian authorities are grumpy because they'd like to ban it, but they have no control over the cartoon because it is broadcast on a channel with a British license.

7 Day Cruise - I Entered Your Names

I hope that you do not mind, but I entered your name in a draw for a 7 day cruise.
I assure you that no sales people will call or bother you in anyway.
This is completely on the level.
I've taken the liberty of putting your name into the
drawing for a Seven day Six night Cruise on the
fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship the
' Dixie Belle'.
All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included
with dinner at the captain's table as his personal
guest Good luck, I hope you win!
The Flagship ' Dixie Belle' is shown below...








Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious, featuring fillet
of catfish, hush puppies and collards, with all you can eat boiled Louisiana rusty crawfish!
Boy, I wish I was goin' with ya'll.
If'n ya'll win, make sure to send pictures, especially of the famous,
'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip, with your hostesses Eulla Bell and Krissie.








Since ya'll may have the presidential suite, yu'in's will have
a balcony view and the finest facilities.





Nothing is too good for my friends!

One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, It's certainly not a ship.

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years", replied the amazed Scotsman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He
takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Wonderful!" said the man. "That is so good Id almost forgotten how great a
smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since youve had a drop of good Scotch whiskey?"
asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
there and removes a flask and hands it to him He opened the flask and took
a long drink.

"Tis nectar!" stated the Scotsman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since
you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Have mercy, woman! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

THIS CAN'T END WELL...

I was depressed last night so I called The Samaritans.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I felt suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Message from the Ministry of Health :
Do not swallow chewing gum !

Paula Abdul - Dance Like There's No Tomorrow

This is pretty good!

A poof's guide to dogs.

MMMmm is he cute or what?

British hunk Henry Cavill attends a meet-and-greet as the new face of Dunhill’s LONDON fragrance at Selfridges on Wednesday in London, England.

The 24-year-old actor has been starring as Henry VIII’s (Johnathan Rhys Meyers) best friend, Charles Brandon, in Showtime’s hit series The Tudors.

The Tudors season 2 premiere airs on Sunday, March 30th.

Patient sues hospital for being fingered by doc

New York State's Supreme Court is poised to consider the double-sided case of Brian Persaud, a 38-year-old construction worker who has reportedly sued a NY hospital for performing a rectal exam that he says he didn't want.

After receiving a head injury, Persaud was taken to the emergency room at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center, where ER docs conducted a work-up. The New York Times's blog City Room reports:

According to a lawsuit he later filed, Mr Persaud was then told that he needed an immediate rectal examination to determine whether he had a spinal-cord injury. He adamantly objected to the procedure, he said, but was held down as he begged, "Please don't do that." As Mr Persaud resisted, he freed one of his hands and struck a doctor, according to the suit. Then he was sedated, the suit says, with a breathing tube inserted through his mouth.

After Mr Persaud regained consciousness, he was arrested, then taken—still in his hospital gown—to be booked on a misdemeanor assault charge. Gerrard M. Marrone, who was Mr. Persaud's lawyer, got the criminal charges dropped, then helped Mr Persaud file a civil lawsuit against the hospital.

Holy shit!

Actual picture from Australia taken in a guy's house when he came back from holiday!

*Squeals with terror*


Speaking of squealing, I was checking out the rudey DVDs at HMV (as you do) and one was called Ally McSqueal! Teehee!

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Sharon" instead of "Steve".

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

* Do you suffer from shyness?

* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, Incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

thanks yella xx

An oldie

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.

"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes,"the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

The disgruntled wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit, woman, can't you keep your bloody mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Cool pics

The shadowy, flippered figure gliding through the water with more than 30 tiger sharks off the coast of South Africa is 67-year-old Wolfgang Leander.

Swimming with sharks is his hobby.

A witness who "lunched too well" was sent home to sober up by an impatient judge.

Evidence of Kevin Allaway's excessive liquid intake emerged within seconds of him climbing into the witness box.

He had been due to give evidence against Trident submarine contractors accused of conning the Ministry of Defence out of almost £500,000.

The former supervisor first appeared unsure whether to take the oath or affirm and ended up having to be led sentence by sentence through the latter by the usher.

But before Southwark Crown Court prosecutor Paul Garlick, QC, could begin his examination-in-chief, Judge Nicholas Loraine-Smith intervened to point out Mr Allaway was clearly not in a fit state to give evidence.

He replied: "I am always like this, your honour." The judge told him to step down but "not leave court".

Mr Allaway, who used to work for scaffolding company chief and self-confessed fraudster James McLaughlin, then inquired: "I will go and sit at the back of the court like a good little schoolboy, shall I?"

After a short adjournment, jurors were brought back into court and told by the judge: "Mr Allaway. Here was someone who lunched too well."

"I am not going to allow him to make a fool of himself or the court so he is not going to give evidence this afternoon. Neither is he going to give evidence tomorrow because he has a funeral to go to. He will, however, give evidence Monday morning. Clearly he was not in a fit state to give evidence today."

LOL I just found this group on Facebook:

You know you went to Copland School when…

(I didn't go to Copland but it is fairly close to where I live! If you went to a "nice" school in London, then you won't be able to relate to this)

1. You know of at least 5 girls that got pregnant [in your Year group only].
2. You are either black, want to be black, had black somewhere in your family tree or were just confused when you filled in the form for a secondary school place.
3. You played “Spot The White Person” game. And never counted more than 5.
4. You got used to being on CCTV 24/7.
5. You had dreams about Mrs Moss’s ass. And have subsequently wondered whether she had black in her family tree too.
6. You remember the day when Copland Community School was renamed Copland Specialist Science Community College… and never realised what was so special about the shitty science department.
7. You either jacked (mugged) someone, watched someone get jacked or got jacked yourself on a regular basis.
8. You often wondered how many babies Mr Jones really had in his belly.
9. Being cool meant living in Stonebridge Estate.
10. You still call Neasden “pussyland” and laugh at anyone who tries to claim it’s “ghetto”.
11. Cricket matches between India and Pakistan meant war and a vast number of people on pink reports for inappropriate uniform.
13. The word “basically” was the longest word in your verbal dictionary.
14. The phrase “your mum” was the ultimate insult and often lead to many hours of prospective detention.
15. You used the excuse “but Miss, I swear - he was cussin’ my mum” to get out of anything. Even not doing your homework
16. You never did homework until GCSE coursework. But then… you still owe your teachers some of that.
17. You vowed not to stay for 6th form. No matter what.
18. You stayed for 6th Form.
19. You either sneaked out between the bars in the fence at the back of the school to go the chip shop, or asked your skinny friends to.
20. You knew where the “crack-head/ weed smokers” tree was.
21. You realised pretty early on that the more refugees and people on benefits the school had, the more money it was given. Nevertheless, this money was never spent adequately. Seen the 6th Form Ccommon Room?
22. You prayed that Sampong would never lift his arms in your presence. The man’s always been too ghetto for deodorant.
23. You witnessed a murder/stabbing or a Somalian cussing match on the 18 Bus.
24. You can either do or have attempted to do the “Dutty Wine”
25. You heard about the girl in Queen’s park who broke her neck whilst doing it, but you still insist on attempting to master it.
26. You sat at the back of the bus. And thought you were “badman”.

28. You wanted to shove a basketball up Ms Dixon’s ass, every time she mentioned the words “Bleep Test”.
29. The fire bell gave you an erection.
30. The buffest girl in your year was mixed race and so was the buffest boy.
31. The nerd in your year was either Indian or Pakistani. Or even better. Mixed race Pakistani/Indian.
32. The white people in your school were either Pikeys, Albanians or other confused foreigners.
33. It used to piss you off that every new Year 9 got better SATs results than your Year. Then you realised they just say that every year. To make the young ones feel better. Shame. You fell for it too.
34. The security in Woolworths used to follow you even when you walked out of the shop.
35. You were told about the “New School” being built in year 7. And although you are now around 25, it STILL hasn’t been built.
36. You realised Sir Alan Davis was a cunt on your second day.
38. You did not walk on the street. You “bopped down road”.
39. Even if you weren’t originally Jamaican, by the end of Year 11 you were fluent in Patois.
40. Homosexuality: “Nah Blad. That’s Sick Man. Mr Beard innit maaan?! Ergh man, fuckin Battymanz innit.” Naaah man, still though, lesbians are alrite still. As long as I get ma piece. SIIICK, alie?!
41. Dating consisted of “Wifeys” and “Manz”.
42. In year 7 you wore a rucksack to school, by year 11 you had a clutch bag. Or just a pen in your (natural or self styled) afro.
43. You’ve never had a real art lesson in your life.
44. You never really understood the point of the ID cards. People still got in and many stabbing attempts took place.
46. The majority of Afghans in your Year were related. Somehow.
47. At least one person from your Year went to Juvenile.
48. At least one person during your time in Copland tried to use a pencil as a stabbing instrument and succeeded. Hence number 47.
49. You were scarred for life during the “giving birth” video you were shown in Year 7 Science.
50. Neardeath fireworks experiences in the canteen around the Diwali season were an annual and highly celebrated event.
53. You know how to say “Fuck You” and “Your Mum” in at least 5 different languages.
55. You knew at least 10 girls with the following names or very similar versions: Shanika, Shaphique, Sinead, Siobhan, Shianna, Sharna, Shauna, Sharika, Shinkika, Shanarika, ETC.
57. Let’s not forget the Patels either. They took up three rows in the exam season.
58. Traffic jams [or stampedes] in the corridors near the staffroom. Worse than the war in Iraq. Seriously. If you’ve survived those, you can survive anything.
59. You considered the seagulls the official bins. So you never really bothered to walk 2 metres to put your rubbish in a real bin.
61. You know about BEEF. And the amount of weave, hair extensions and acrylic nails which were found all over the ground afterwards.
63. Girls. You know about the “fanny trouser fluff”.
64. Erm. “Hair and Beauty” and “Childcare” qualifications in 6th Form. Very practical, indeed.
65. By the end of Year 11, you stop short of cracking up at the phrase “RACIAL INTERGRATION”.
66. And can soberly point out the Indian cotch, the Jamaican cotch, the Refugee corner and the crackhead corner [they were just a bit too high to give a shit about their ethnicity].
67. You either got happy slapped or happy slapped someone else… Then you went on Youtube.
68. You know that dogs are bought for a) appearing to be badman OR b) appearing to be badman,
69. Your black eye was just a fashion statement.
70. You were bare upset ‘cos the white dinner ladies never mastered the true flavours of real curry and jerk chicken. CHA MAN. *teeth sounds inserted here*
73. Also, you know that at least 1 person in your Year will become a suicide bomber.
74. And although you never stopped complaining about the food from the canteen, you still ate it every day.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe.'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was all too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Picky bitches!

A study of 40,000 women on UKDating.com has revealed a somewhat precise check-list of what they want in Mr Right.

Gosh, all I want from guy is:

1) honesty;
2) trustworthy;
3) warped sense of humour;
4) chatty;
5) doesn't get scared easily;
6) loves cuddling;
7) low maintenance;
8) is not a drama queen;
9) owns/rents his own place (for some privacy, innit?); and
10) has a humongous dick (I'm kidding!)

I'd also like my Mr Right to have some fur on his chest and have hairy legs (mmmmm) but of course they're not prerequisites.

Shame on you ladies for being so superficial!

When it comes to snaring the perfect man, the solution could be as simple as slipping on a pair of high heels. But before you poofs start slipping on a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, you should be aware that this only applies to women.

In a study that confirms what many of us have long suspected, scientists have shown that men find long legs attractive.

Faced with the choice of two women of the same height, but with different leg length, they will tend to plump for the one with the longer legs.

It is thought that lengthy limbs are perceived as indicating good health, as well as social standing and the ability to be a good provider, New Scientist reports.

Jumper trailer

Cloverfield Trailer

A few more pics of guys in their panties HERE!

Cool

A Chinese city has made the world's first playable ice piano.

The ice piano, designed and built by a local landscaping company, was unveiled at the 20th International Snow-Sculpture Art Expo in Harbin city.

The piano, standing on a stage before the highest snow sculpture, can automatically play more than 30 classic piano pieces.

And tourists can play the piano themselves, reports People's Daily.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!"

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!"

"For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said,

"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?"

Questions That Confuse

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

One For The Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of London " And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband / boyfriend / partner from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Dangling some furry dice from a rear view mirror in one thing - but in Virginia, one lawmaker has launched a crusade against decorating a truck's trailer hitch with a large pair of rubber bollocks! lol!

State lawmaker Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying rubber replicas of male genitalia on vehicles.

He says it's a safety issue, because the giant rubber testicles could distract other drivers.

Under his measure, displaying the ornamentation on a motor vehicle would be a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum fine of £128 ($250).

He said the idea came from a constituent, whose young daughter spotted an example of the trailer hitch adornment, and asked her father to explain it.

'"I didn't know what to tell her,'" Spruill said the constituent told him before Spruill vowed to stop such displays.

Spy software designed for offices has been developed by Microsoft to monitor workers' productivity and physical state, it has been reported.

A patent application has been filed by the company for the Big Brother-style software that links workers to their computers via wireless sensors.

This means an employee's performance could be constantly monitored by bosses by measuring factors such as body temperature, heart rate, facial expression, movement, and blood pressure.

Physical changes would be matched to a psychological profile based on a worker's weight, age and health.

Using the technology, bosses could pick up and respond to indications of stress or frustration.

Oh come on! You don't need fancy software to realise workers are pissed off- just look at their Grinch-like expressions!

Scruffs Hardware

An amusing advert featuring an English teacher from Stockport Grammar, a £7,000 a year private school.
Now, Sarah Green is being investigated by school officials. Naughty whore!

For you Mac lovers

Apple CEO Steve Jobs introduced the MacBook Air this morning, a computer that the company billed as the world's thinnest notebook -- small enough to fit inside an interoffice mailing envelope. It's priced starting at $1,799 and will be available within two weeks.

Sporting a silvery finish, the MacBook Air features a 13.3-inch LED-backlit widescreen display that has a 1280 x 800 pixel resolution. The backlighting saves power and provides "instant on" response from the moment you turn it on, according to Jobs. The device has a slightly wedge-shaped profile. It weighs about 3 pounds, and sports a thickness of 0.16-0.76 inches. It's 12.8 inches wide and 8.95 inches deep.

You can read more HERE if you want.

Check out the Fart Man!

Hottie of the day

His name? How is that relevant? lol

Average Britons sit on the bog for more than three months throughout their lifetimes, a study revealed today.

They will spend more than a year and a half of their lives in the bathroom, using up six months in the bath or shower and 62 days to dry off.

Women use the bathroom the most (duh!), with showering, teeth brushing and using the loo adding up to one year, seven months and 18 days.

But while men will be in their bathrooms for a month less over their whole lives, they spend more time every week on the toilet than women do.

Raise some cash for man with impressive knockers!

WOW! Me love those moobies! He's almost as voluptuous as moi!

father who suffers from "manboobs" says he has become a prisoner in his own home after the NHS refused to pay for a boob reduction.

Unemployed Lee Jardine, 23, from Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, has suffered from gynecomastia - or manboobies - for the past 10 years.

But his local PCT says it will not pay for a breast reduction operation, which would cost Mr Jardine between £5,000 and £9,000 if he could afford to go private.

An actor who says he was unfairly dismissed from a hit children's programme made unacceptable comments to a colleague, a tribunal heard today.

Isaac Blake, 28, alleges that he was sacked from the children's programme In The Night Garden after complaining about a faulty animatronic suit.

Mr Blake, who played a Tombliboo, also told a tribunal in Birmingham that he was called "faggot" and "bitch" by a colleague.

He said: "I was unfairly dismissed because I raised concerns about health and safety being in the suit (and) about verbal abuse.

(This when I started to feel sorry for him, despite his Tomblibooboo job)

This morning Marcus Difelice, representing the programme makers Ragdoll Limited, read out statements from production staff alleging that Mr Blake had made inappropriate comments.

One read: "Isaac was always making comments to me that were not acceptable.

"I had to say to him once, 'Why can't you have a conversation with me without looking at my crotch?"'

Another said: "He (Mr Blake) kept saying he was distracted by the totty on set."

(Typical fag! Take your Tombliboo and shove it up your dismissed ass!)

LMAO!

Kate McCann has been included in a Lads' Mag's list of most sexylicious female pin ups.

Loaded is now at the centre of a bad taste storm for including missing Maddie's mother.

Ooh yeah, she's hot. You can just imagine her and Cuddle Cat happily being soaked in a bukkake session.

A Slovenian woman who found a mouse foot in a jar of pickles was shocked to be told it was "completely normal".

Lenka Komparova contacted the Health Ministry as she prepared to sue the company producing the food.

But, instead of supporting her claim for compensation, officials said she should see the mouse foot as a "special additive".

Ouch!

An Australian man who waved out of a car window at two young women is expected to lose his arm, after it was almost severed by another passing vehicle on Monday.

The 20-year-old was a passenger in a pick-up truck at Bunbury, in Western Australia state, when he waved at two sexy ladies in a car wash.

But as he put his arm out the driver made a right hand turn and the man's limb was struck and almost torn off by an oncoming four-wheel-drive.

His left arm was partially severed and doctors believe the limb may need to be amputated,' police said.

Diana's mum is a bad-ass!

The Princess of Wales was branded a whore and a disgrace by her mother for “messing around with fucking Muslim men”, the Diana inquest heard yesterday.

The amazing telephone attack saw the Princess vow never to speak again to mum Frances Shand Kydd, said ex-Royal butler Paul Burrell.

And it proved to be their last-ever conversation.

I have so much respect for Frances! You go girl-I mean-old bag!

Don't be too offended!

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last fucking white man to be called Winston!"

-o0o-

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.

-o0o-

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

-o0o-

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

-o0o-

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me....

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you tosser"

-o0o-

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

-o0o-

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !"

-o0o-

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her, the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

-o0o-

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"

-o0o-

FINALLY, the answer to "What Would Jesus Do?"

You lying cunts!

THE most common lie is "Nothing’s wrong — I’m fine", a survey revealed yesterday.

Second is "Nice to see you" and third "I haven’t got any cash on me."

Bad news for women is that number eight is "No, your bum doesn’t look big in that".

"Of course I love you," is at 12.

Technology takes the blame at number 10 with "What text?", at 13 with "Our server was down" and at 16 with "My battery died".

The average British man lies five times a day while women lie three times a day, according to the poll for flavoured vodka brand WKD.

These clever landscape photos prove art is a matter of taste – they are made from the contents of a fridge!

Artist Carl Warner, 44, combines several images to create the amazing scenes, including a broccoli forest, bread mountains, cheese village and smoked salmon sea.

The dad-of-four plans to turn the photos into a book to encourage kids to eat more healthily.

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

Here's an example of why men do not write advice columns...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has be en feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila Lusk

*******

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Alanis Morissette - Underneath

Hmmm. I'm a fan of Alanis but I'm not too keen on this. Why can't she go back to being Angry Alanis? I miss her freaky lyrics too.....don't you remember the "how about them transparant, dangling carrots" in the song, Thank You? WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE ON?! lol



Enjoy her bush!

Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles

The new Terminator is hot!

Pete Wentz

Cute! The subtle eyeliner leads me to suspect he's a fag, so of course, I'm in with a chance, innit?

Sugababes- Denial

Some of you fags might like this.

Four Girls Finger Paint

The sequel to 2 girls 1 cup. If you like sick porn, check out THIS!

It's very icky so beware!

Samantha doing what she does best

Sex and the City man-eater Kim Cattrall frolicked with her handsome co-star as she filmed steamy scenes for the new movie.

The Seoul subway authority will install toilets in drivers' compartments, after one of its engineers plunged to his death while apparently relieving himself from a moving train.

The Seoul Metro plans to provide nearly 400 toilets from this month in drivers' cabs, and increase the number of staff bathrooms at stations, a spokesman said on Thursday.

'A major concern is the smell,' said Kim Kyung-mo.

The incident that prompted the move took place in December when a driver, apparently suffering from diarrhoea, leaned out of his compartment and fell on the tracks. He was hit by another train, local media reported.

Crawling up the boss's ass again

Friday titillation

What's white and wriggles across the disco floor?...Come dancing.

A scarecrow has just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.......... he was outstanding in his field. *GROAN*

Why do seagulls have wings?............... So they can beat the fucking gypsies to the tip.

The Government has banned Brits from keeping elephants in their back gardens. Damnit!

It has rejected an online petition to Number 10 calling for pet shops to be allowed to sell elephants.

Some 650 people signed the petition, said to have been started by 12-year-old Jack Smithies.

The petition said: "We believe that every child in the UK would benefit from owning an elephant.

"Elephants are creatures that children could learn about better by owning their own and keeping them in easily and cheaply converted sheds."

The Government agreed that keeping a pet had many benefits but did not think elephants would make good pets.

Downing Street's response continued: "They are very large animals that are not used to being kept as pets, and have welfare needs that would be impossible to meet in pet shops or people's homes.

"Elephants can also be dangerous, and it would not be safe for people to be able to keep them in their back yard."

An alcoholic who died after giving himself a sherry enema has won the 2007 Darwin Award.

The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve the gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it.

The 58-year-old Texan couldn't ingest alcohol by mouth because of painful medical problems with his throat.

He took to taking alcohol by enema instead but died after taking two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry.

Economy Class

A Scotsman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts: " Awa ye feel hoor that âs full Oâ coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back: "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back: "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Chew your way to a less wobbly ass

A sweetener used in sugar-free chewing gum, some toothpastes and thousands of other products could be a severe health risk, doctors warned.

Sorbitol, also known as E420, can trigger severe weight loss, abdominal pain and diarrhoea.

A report in the British Medical Journal today highlights the cases of patients who lost up to a fifth of their bodyweight.

The cause was eventually traced to excess intake of sorbitol.

*Buys 200 packs of Wrigley's*

Gross

A man who believed he bore the 'mark of the beast' used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called police, authorities said.

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when Kootenai County sheriff's deputies arrived at his home in Hayden, Idaho.

He is now in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Centre.

'It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived,' sheriff's Capt Ben Wolfinger said of the hand.

Man throws bag of shit at Magistrate

A man has been sentenced to over a year in prison after finding out that, if you want to get your trial judge on your side, throwing human faeces at her is probably not the wisest idea.

Tyrone Clarke was on trial for arson in a magistrate's court in Port of Spain, Trinidad, on January 8, when he pulled a plastic bag of poo out of his pocket and lobbed it at Magistrate Michelle Maharajh-Brown.

The brown missile didn't hit the magistrate directly, but splattered on the wall behind her, hitting her with some of the splashback. Clarke then reached into his pocket again and threw more missiles. It is not clear exactly how many filthbags he had in his pocket.

Clarke had just been denied bail by Maharajh-Brown, which may explain his actions to some extent.

Phew, at least I know I don't have the world's smallest willy

Socrates

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.

"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who’s not a creep

One who’s handsome, smart and strong

One whose willy is thick and long

One who thinks before he speaks

When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait weeks

I pray that he is gainfully employed

And when I spend his cash he’s not annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door

Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh send me a man who’ll make love to my mind

Knows what to say when I ask ‘How big’s my behind?’

One who’ll make love 'til my body’s a twitchin'

In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen

I pray this man will love me no end

And never attempt to shag my best friend

And as I kneel and pray by my bed

I look at the shit head you sent me instead

Amen

Click to enlarge.

This is so cute!

It was a friendship that could inspire a Disney movie. Oscar the dog and his best friend, Arthur the cat, were inseparable in life.

So, when 17-year-old moggy Arthur died, Oscar was left inconsolable. Their owners, Robert and Mavis Bell, buried Arthur in the garden.

But Oscar's love for his friend would not die – and during the night, he pulled the cat from his grave, carried him inside, laid him in the basket they used to share and gently bummed him- I mean-cleaned him up.

Arthur is now buried in a secure grave in the garden at the Bells' home in Wigan and Oscar has a new playmate kitten called Limpet.

'He's already very protective of her,' Mrs Bell said.

A girl of 18 has confessed to having sex with at least 50 men in just two years. Lucky slut! Just imagine what the number would be if she was attractive!

Cheryl Tunney admitted that since losing her virginity at 16 she has slept with so many partners she cannot remember some of their names.

Most of the men were picked up on Internet dating sites which Ms Tunney said she and her friends had been hooked on since they were 14.

The teenager's revelations shocked her mother Debbie, 45. They came to light while making the BBC programme Sex... With Mum and Dad, which was broadcast last night. But Miss Tunney, from Dagenham in Essex, has now vowed to stop sleeping around after a session with TV sexologist Maria Schopman.

Give your Valentine a jar of Marmite

Marmite with a hint of champagne is hitting stores as a romantic gift.

The savoury, tar-like spread contains 0.3% champagne along with its usual ingredients of yeast and vegetable extracts plus salt.

Just 600,000 limited edition jars of the 'Lovers' Marmite' are going on sale ahead of Valentine's Day.

Their gold-coloured label says "I love you" and "for my lovely Marmite lover".

The Marmite with a touch of champagne is priced at £3.99 for a 250g pot compared to the same sized jar of standard Marmite for £2.12 at Sainsbury's. What a con!

It has initially gone on sale at Selfridges stores and will launch more widely from January 23.

The retailer's director of food and restaurants Ewan Venters said: "We are delighted to be introducing a perfect partnership this Valentine's Day, uniting the sophistication of champagne with the quintessentially British classic taste of Marmite.

More tranny news...

Groom Dean Dudley poses in a dress with his bride after telling 100 guests at their wedding: “I’m a transvestite.”

Factory worker Dean, 35, said his vows in a suit so as not to take attention from bride Robyn Overton – who knew his secret.

But after the ceremony at Barnsley Town Hall, he slipped into an ankle-length fitted gown to come out at his cricket club reception. His aunt thought he was a bridesmaid.

Dean, who turns into Deanne to go clubbing with Robyn, said: “It was the first time I told my family. Their reaction was pretty good. They accepted it.”

The couple met in a night-club’s ladies toilet four years ago when dressed-up Dean, of Barnsley, South Yorks, lent her a hairbrush. Robyn, 28, from Chicago, said: “We got on really well. He’s the better-looking woman!”

Dean’s coming-out was filmed for a documentary to be broadcast on Sky One tonight.

A WOMAN aged 52 was turned into a “frail old hag” after being poisoned by mercury from her teeth fillings.

Anne Dunn suffered kidney and sinus infections, headaches, weight loss and chronic fatigue.

She believes the toxic metal got into her blood after a beauty treatment using electrodes four years ago.

It seems like another side effect was to turn her into a female version of a character in Star Trek- Deep Space Nine.

It's Odo!

Tranny inmate desperate for a fabulous ball gown

A prison was broken into to supply a tranny inmate with women’s clothes, it was revealed yesterday.

Officers found panties, ball gowns and denim skirts in a burglary convict’s cell, along with drugs and mobile phones.

An accomplice on the outside used a ladder to scale the 20ft perimeter wall, making regular break-ins. The hauls were sold to fellow cons at £600 a time – but the contraband was found last Friday after officers were tipped off.

Wanking artist

AN artist has created a new exhibition of drawings by wanking over paper.

Controversial performance artist Jordan McKenzie, 40, has made 55 images by cumming over canvas and sprinkling carbon over the results to immortalise them.

The results of his labour entitled Spent are to go on display at the Centre for Recent Drawing in Highbury, north London, for a month.

But Father Kit Cunningham, of St Etheldredas Church in Clerkenwell, said: “All we can do is pray for the artist.” lol!

The clergyman, based at the oldest Roman Catholic church in London, stressed: “The extraordinary thing is that someone actually thought it was art and put it on at his gallery.

“We are clearly dealing with a very mixed-up person.

Jordan, who intends to create three drawings a week, said: “This is only the first batch of them.

“It is a diary of my ejaculations. They are heartfelt and delicate." Whatever!

OMG, my dad is such a perv! I opened the Outlook Express on the family laptop and I saw an email he sent to someone. It reads: "hi my name is X and i live in london uk.I am a big fan of yours. i would be thrilled if you would e-mail me.If you are ever in london i would be happy to show you around.best regards X"

What the hell is going on?! I'm showing this email to mum!!!

The iTaser

A new gadget that combines a Taser stun gun with an mp3 player has been unveiled at an electronics show in the US.

It is on display at the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, which is expected to receive more than 140,000 visitors this week.

Arizona-based Taser International sells the handheld stun guns under the banner of 'Changing the World and Protecting Lives'.

It maintains that the iTaser "allows for both personal protection and personal music for people on the go".

Rick Smith, founder of the company, claims "personal protection can be both fashionable and functionable".

Well yeah, you gotta make sure you're in haute couture and listening to some fabulous beats whilst happily zapping someone's ass. This is fucking crazy!

The company says the new device is particularly aimed at women - with red, pink and even leopard print designs intended to make carrying a stun gun fashionable.

The British public are banned from using Tasers but they are legal in 43 US states where Taser International has already sold 160,000 to private citizens.

Tumour Op or sophisticated lipo?

A Chinese hospital has successfully removed the world's biggest tumour of its kind from a woman's ass.

The eight stone (45kg) tumour weighed more than patient Ahui, 36, of Guangzhou city, reports Guangzhou Daily.

Two teams of surgeons at Guangdong Provincial People's Hospital worked for more than eight hours to remove the 4ft 5ins tumour.

"We had to divide the surgeons into two teams, one cutting from the waist, the other from the lower right leg, then meeting in the middle," said chief surgeon Huang Guangxiang.

"This is the largest tumour we've ever seen, and medical reports show it was the biggest neurofibromatosis tumour in the world."

Ahui says the tumour started growing on her right buttock when she was 12.

"At that time, it was only the size of an egg, and my family had it cut off at the hospital," she said. "But after 10 years, a new tumour started growing like crazy where the old one had been."

"Because of this, I haven't had a bath in the past two years, and had to stay in bed all the time. My sister quit her job to take care of me."

Anyone got any pics?

The media are reporting that The Squeaky One has lost his bulge. I don't doubt that for one minute, but an alternative explanation is that the black panties are simply concealing the bulge. DUH! It's the cardinal rule for women with fat asses- wear black to create an illusion of a slimmer figure. Unfortunately, that doesn't work when you're a size 18 and you insist on wearing black leggings!

Pah, he still does nothing for me- and I haven't wanked in a whole week! Go figure.

Goldfrapp-A&E

Goldfrapp
Uploaded by Footballfckr

Mike Biserta

A few more pics HERE!
And HERE!

James Morrison- Wonderful World

Good song.

More Japanese craziness!

Relatives who hunger to see the family newborn can now be pacified­ with the perfect proxy – a bag of rice shaped­ like their baby.

Distant aunts and­ cousins left waiting for the real thing can be sent Dakigokochi, cudd­ly tailor- mad­e bags which weigh the same as the baby and­ are printed­ with its face and­ name.

A small rice shop in Japan cooked­ up the id­ea and­ now claims to be swamped­ with ord­ers. The trad­ition of send­ing a rice bag to relatives to thank them for an earlier gift is long established­ in Japan.

Each rice bag is tailor-made to weigh as much as the new-born and shaped so the rice fills the bag up. Holding the round-edged bag would feel like holding a real baby.

"Other rice shops sell bags printed with baby photos, but they use regular bags. People say they aren't good for holding," said Naruo Ono, owner of the rice shop, Yoshimiya.

"Rice for small babies would be stuck at the bottom of the bag, and the baby's photo would be scrunched at the top."

It is customary in Japan to give people gifts or money on occasions such as births, and the recipient then responds with other gifts, often worth half the amount they received.

The rice bags have made perfect "half-return" gifts, Ono said, although relatives face a dilemma once they are done with the cuddling.

"People say they have a hard time opening them up and eating the rice," Ono said.

Some people deal with rejection and marital infidelity in a restrained and mature manner. Others, however, send dismembered animal parts to their rivals.

One example of the latter tactic is a Pennsylvania man who mailed a bloody cow's head to his wife's lover - who has now been sentenced to probation and community service.

Jason Michael Fife 'understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow's head to anybody,' said his defence lawyer, Henry Hilles. Which is good to know.

The story has happy ending, though - Hilles said that Fife and his wife, who have a young child, later reconciled. And if you can reconcile with someone after sending their lover a bloody cow's head, then there's hope for us all.

The University of Michigan is offering students a course in "How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation."

As it's an English Literature course, don't expect the following topics:

• Help! I have itchy pubes!
• Effective cruising
• Pouting for beginners
• Douche to your heart's content
• Bitchy quips
  
• Caring for your ass, just as you would for a much-loved pet.

For the laziest of people

A Birmingham food firm has invented a bowl made out of bread for people who hate washing up.

Butt Foods aims to be selling naan bowls filled with chicken tikka masala in supermarkets this year.

The idea is that diners enjoy a soup, chilli or curry - then eat the bowl too.

Managing director David Williams said: "Our banks, our investors all thought we were crackers. But we've now proved them wrong."

The company already supplies a chain of pubs with prawn cocktail-filled bread bowls and says that later this year a leading supermarket will stock its microwaveable naan bowl filled with chicken tikka masala.

Butt's bowls hold their shape for eight hours without going soggy.

The firm developed an industrial oven that is able to bake the inside of the bowl at the same time as the outside, giving it a "double crust".

Elaine Watson, from the magazine Food Manufacturer, said: "The bread bowl is one of the most innovative product launches in recent years."

Mourners shivering in a chapel are to be kept warm using heat generated from cremating their loved ones.

The idea will be tried at a crematorium near Manchester where grieving friends and relatives have complained of the cold during services.

Tameside Council will use heat from cremating bodies to keep the mourners warm at Dukinfield Crematorium.

Town hall chiefs say the heat generated will be enough to power the boiler and light the chapel.

But they admit it is a "sensitive" issue and have promised to consult clergy and the wider community.

Robin Monk, environment chief of Tameside Council, said: "I'm not sure how people will react, but we don't want to upset anyone. We will carry out full consultation with priests, vicars and the public before a decision is taken."

But the Rev Vernon Marshall, of Old Chapel, said: "As a final act of generosity, it's a lovely way for the dead to provide comfort for the living at a difficult time."

Dancing in the Royal Air Force

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

Night at the senior center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every one of you in this audience.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's Polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT' said the Hypnotist.....

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

A man wearing a nun's costume beat up two party-goers dressed as a pirate and a parrot.

His two victims – dressed as Pirates Of The Caribbean characters Captain Jack Sparrow and an exotic bird – were attacked at a cash machine in Torpoint, Cornwall.

They had stepped in to help a woman dressed as Catwoman – who was fighting with her boyfriend.

A police spokesman said: 'Someone must have seen the nun and Catwoman. This was a very nasty assault.'

Stephen Fry has criticised the way straight actors are congratulated for playing gay characters.

He questioned why heterosexual male stars are hailed as "brave" when they kiss other men on screen.

The QI host was speaking about the single status of his TV character solicitor-sleuth Peter Kingdom in the ITV1 Sunday night drama.

He told the Radio Times: "I think the fact that I'm so well known to be gay makes it very difficult to have a convincing relationship with a woman on screen.

"Straight actors can play gay people and they're rather congratulated on it.

"People say 'Ooh, how brave of you'."

But Fry, 50, added that no one says to a gay actor who plays a heterosexual person: "'How brave of you to kiss that woman, that must have been very difficult for you'."

He said: "It wouldn't be at all difficult for me to kiss a woman - I'll kiss a frog if you like. And why should it be difficult for a man to kiss another man?"