The boss of a Serbian company has banned staff from coming into work with dirty underwear.
Milomir Gligorijevic said: "I am fed up with people with poor personal hygiene standards. I have now made it a sackable offence for people to come in without having a shower - or with dirty underwear."
He has also banned staff from smelling after eating garlic - warning that they need to make sure they brush their teeth - and use perfume and deodorant.
Gligorijevic, who runs a 30-staff stationery company in the capital Belgrade, sent out an official memo to all employees demanding they adopt good standards of personal hygiene.
The memo warned all employees to make sure they brush their teeth, take showers regularly and change their underpants every day.
He did not say how he would make sure his clean underpants rule was followed but warned it would be enforced.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Embarrassing!
A man who planned to walk from Bristol to India without any money has quit - after getting as far as Calais.Mark Boyle, 28, who set out with only T-shirts, a bandage and sandals, hoped to rely on the kindness of strangers for food and lodging.
But, because he couldn't speak French, people mistook him for a freeloader or an asylum seeker, reports the BBC.
He now plans to walk around the coast of Britain instead, learning French as he goes, so he can try again next year.
Awww so cute!
A boxer dog called Billy has become an unlikely surrogate father to a kid goat at an animal centre in Devon.Big hearted Billy formed a strong bond with abandoned kid Lily at Pennywell Farm, near Buckfastleigh, where they have become a popular attraction.
As the runt of triplets, Lily was abandoned by her mother because nanny goats can usually only care for two kids at a time.
Farm workers Katherine Tozer stepped in to hand rear Lilly, but her pet dog Billy made it obvious he was eager to get in on the parental action.
It soon became clear the Billy was happy to adopt Lilly as his own, and he now looks after her by licking and cleaning her and keeping a close eye on her.
Equally, Lilly seems just as happy to have Billy as her role model.
The pair has now attracted quite a crowd at the animal centre and staff there are keen to see how their relationship will develop as Lilly grows up.
It may be a harmless and instinctive reflex for many men - but scratching your crotch has been outlawed in Italy.
The country's Court of Appeal has issued a "hands-off" ruling which threatens to fine anyone caught touching or reshuffling below the belt.
The judges condemned what they saw as "an act contrary to decorum and public decency".
But the ruling has sparked a backlash in Italy, where many touch themselves below for good luck - or when watching a hearse pass by.
A 42-year-old man from Como had been appealing against a 200 euro fine for gross indecency last May, claiming he was innocently adjusting his overalls.
But the judges have now rejected his bid, saying: "The touching of genitalia in public is a sign of ill manners and must be considered against public decency.
"The rules of social etiquette require all of us to abstain from what might be considered offensive to public decorum."
The defendant not only had to pay his 200 euro fine - but ordered to hand over another 1,000 euros.
A restaurant chef has lost his job and could face police action after allegedly adding an unwanted ingredient to a rib-eye steak - his pubic hair.
Ryan Kropp hid hairs in the meal for a customer who had complained about his steak being undercooked.
He was sacked when they were discovered, and now a complaint has been made to police.
Diner Kevin Hansen had ordered a 16oz rib-eye cooked medium rare, with a warm, red centre, at the restaurant in Wisconsin.
When restaurant service manager Michael Liberatore stopped by the table, Hansen told him the steak was cooked medium, not medium rare.
Hansen declined an offer of a new steak, but Liberatore persisted and offered a new steak he could take home.
Liberatore then took what was left of the first steak and showed it to Kropp and the other cook on duty "so that they could both learn what a medium rare steak was supposed to look like", according to the police complaint.
Hansen went to police the next day to complain of hair in the second steak.
A police officer observed "several strands of what appeared to be hair coming out of the middle of the steak", according to official documents.
Kropp, 24, of West Bend, Wisconsin, has been charged with placing foreign objects in edibles, carrying the threat of up to three and a half years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
Kropp admitted to police he put a few of his facial hairs on the steak, saying he was angry the customer sent the other steak back and thought he was "just trying to get free stuff", according to the complaint.
But a second kitchen worker told police Kropp put a slit in the steak and pushed something inside before declaring: "These are my pubes."
Travis Doster, a spokesman for the Texas Roadhouse chain of 288 restaurants in 44 states, said Kropp and the other worker were both fired.
"Food safety is our number one priority and we will not allow anyone to compromise that," Doster added.
"As a company, we're not only shocked, we're angry that someone would pull such a reckless stunt as putting facial hair in a steak.
"I just feel for the staff because they really work hard, and one silly stupid stunt impacts everybody," he said.
Justin Timberlake is more than living up to his moniker "Trousersnake" with a role as a well-hung wannabe 70s porn star in a new comedy.
The pop singer sports a dodgy 'tache, big hair, tiny speedos and little else as Jacques Grande in The Love Guru.
Grande is a professional skater and aspiring porno actor who has stolen away the wife of a rival hockey player whose career has subsequently gone on the skids.
Austin Powers star Mike Myers plays an Indian guru who makes people fall in love and he attempts to break into the US self-help market by resolving this "triangle of lurve".
Jessica Alba, Ben Kingsley and Jessica Simpson also star in this ridiculous comedy along with Verne Troyer, who played Mini Me in the Austin Powers series.
A pregnant woman wearing only panties urges shoppers to shun factory farmed meat by highlighting the cramped conditions in which sows are kept. The protest, by Peta, took place in London.
A man has admitted trying to have sex with a goat - but believed he wouldn't get caught because "animals couldn't talk".
New Zealand's Rangiora District Court was told the pensioner, who managed to protect his identity, took the goat round the back of his farm and tried to commit a sex act with it.
The court was told that there were complications - and according to reports, "he did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off".
A police spokeswoman said: "He was contrite, but said he was unable to stop the behaviour."
The 68-year-old North Canterbury man pleaded guilty to attempting to commit bestiality with a goat.
He faces sentencing on March 12.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Some nice pics of Ben Cohen HERE!
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would Like to buy some cyanide. 'The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
I'm sorry to say this will be my last e-mail.
Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting
shorter and shorter every day, and I want to take time and
smell the roses. So, I am going to quit e-mailing jokes
and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country
and enjoy life while I still can. Don't worry about me - they
all seem like really nice people.
It has been nice emailing you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, a photo of the gang.
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
Each player shall furnish his own equipment, one club and two balls.
Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play. The club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately on arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.
Players are encouraged to have the proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is been played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker, at least temporarily, at the owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Perfume that stinks of blood, sweat and jizz
Want a scent with a distinct fragrance that no one else has?
Well, blood, sweat, saliva and a dollop of sperm is just the thing for the stinking rich, if a perfume on sale at Harvey Nichols is anything to go by.
The perfume, Sécrétions Magnifiques, contains the smell of all those things and still sells for £76 a pop.
Maker Etat Libre d'Orange markets it as a raunchy alternative to the likes of Poison and Chanel No.5, calling it 'subversive' and 'disturbing'.
The company said: 'It's love or hate at first sight. Like blood, sweat, sperm, saliva, Sécrétions Magnifiques is as real as an olfactory coitus that sends one into raptures, to the pinnacle of sensual pleasure.
'Tongues and sexes find one another, pleasure explodes and all goes wild.'
The perfume mixes accords – a blending of scents – to recreate the smell of blood, sweat, saliva and semen with the more pleasant odours of coconut and sandalwood. Perfume expert Roja Dove said the aroma was a refreshing alternative to bland fragrances.
'The kind of people who will like this range are people who think they are being really, really alternative and going against the establishment and being really rather racy,' he said.
'But it is a bit of a mystery why anyone would want to smell of sweat, blood, saliva and sperm.'
Another perfume in the range is Jasmin et Cigarette, which does exactly what it says on the tin, stinking of jasmine and uh, ciggies.
A spokesman for Harvey Nichols, the only shop in the country to stock the range, insisted it was popular. 'Niche fragrances tend to do very well in our fragrance offering,' he said.
Madonna's tracklist for her new album
1) Candy Store
2) 4 Minutes To Save The World
3) Give it 2 Me
4) Heartbeat
5) Miles Away
6) She's Not Me
7) Incredible
8) Beat Goes On
9) Dance Tonight
10) Spanish Lesson
11) Devil
12) Voices
More than two out of five motorists have had sex in a car, with men the more amorous, a survey out today shows.
The Welsh are the keenest in-car lovers, with Londoners least likely to indulge, the survey from car insurance company Diamond found.
Those aged 22-29 are most likely to engage in motoring sex, although as many as 39% of those aged 60 or more admitted amorous in-car activity. Based on responses from 1,000 motorists, the survey showed:
:: 41% have had sex in a car;
:: 52% of men, but only 34% of women, have made love in a motor;
:: 46% of Welsh motorists, but only 35% of London ones, admitted in-car sex;
:: Of those owning up, 53% did it in the front seat, 39% in the back seat and 9% on the bonnet.
Diamond managing director Sian Lewis said: "It's surprising to see that so many people have used their cars in this way. Who knows, it could be that the bedroom just isn't as much fun or people simply can't wait to get home.
A five-metre python stalked a family dog for days before swallowing the pet whole in front of horrified children.
The boy and girl, aged 5 and 7, watched as the scrub python devoured their silky terrier-chihuahua cross at their home near Kuranda, northwest of Cairns in Queensland state, on Monday night.
Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo in Kuranda, said he went to the house straight away after being called by a lady "quite concerned about her dog being eaten by about a five, six metre scrub python."
But the the python had already "half consumed the dog" by the time he arrived, Douglas told Australian television.
"The reason why it wasn't just released straight back into the wild is because, well it couldn't be released, there's a huge amount of food there and it could do quite an amount of damage to the snake, moving it," he said.
The python was still digesting the dog on Wednesday at Douglas's zoo, but it was soon to be relocated back to the bush.
Douglas said scrub pythons normally eat wild animals such as wallabies, a smaller relative of the kangaroo, but turn to pets in urban areas.
"They used to be really, really common throughout north Queensland and they grew to a massive size and they used to feed upon wallabies in the plains, but basically they are all houses now and so there's only cats and dogs," he said.
Douglas said the python actively stalked the dog for a number of days.
He said the family that owned the dog had seen the python in the dog's bed three or four days earlier, which was a sure sign it was out to get it.
A son who watched a video of his 51-year-old dad having sex with dogs was so shocked he reported him to police.
Lorry driver, Paul William Langton, filmed himself carrying out the "disgusting" behaviour with a black Labrador and a brown mongrel.
Following a row, his son – who had seen the video by chance – took the tape to a local police
Married Langton pleaded guilty to letting three male dogs have sex with him, between 1974 and 2004, at Leicester Crown Court.
Barbara Graham, prosecuting, said: "There were disturbing video images explicitly showing, and suggestive of, sexual acts with dogs."
He had allowed the dogs to have sex with him and been involved in other acts.
In interview, Langton, from Beaumont Leys, Leicestershire, said it had happened so long ago he had tried to blank it out of his mind because he knew it was wrong.
Judge Michael Pert QC said that although the offences were "disgusting" it did not mean, according to sentencing guidelines, they automatically qualified for a jail sentence.
The case was adjourned for a pre-sentence report to explore non-custodial options and possible treatment programmes.
Langton was remanded into custody to await sentencing next month.
After the court appearance, his 32-year-old son, who lives in Leicester but has a different surname and does not wish to be named, said his father was "rather sick and needs help".
"I used to have a pet dog and he used to look after it and take it for walks, but fortunately it was a bitch and I hope nothing happened," the son said.
"I don't know where he got the idea from in the first place – maybe he'd seen the film, Animal Farm or something horrible like that."
He said he handed over the video because his dad "was going around slandering me after we fell out over money".
"It's not as bad as child abuse, but an animal can never speak out however old it gets, so someone has to be their voice. That's another reason why I reported him," he added.
"One of the dogs was on a lead while my dad was bent over the sofa and couldn't escape."
He concluded: "I'm a bit ashamed that some people know I'm related to him. I hope he gets help and sorts himself out."
Mum gave birth whilst shitting
A Newborn baby has survived falling down the toilet of a moving train and onto the tracks.
The little baby girl was born two months' premature when her mum went to the loo on the train in India.
One minute the mummy was having a satisfying dump, and the next minute, out the baby popped!
Mum Bhuri Kalbi, 33, fainted after the unexpected birth before coming to and alerting train staff.
Railway workers then found the newborn girl lying unharmed by the track.
Introducing.....Bird Boy!
A boy can reportedly only communicate by 'chirping' - after living his life in a virtual aviary.
According to reports from Russia, the 7-year-old 'bird boy' has spent his life in a flat filled with bird cages with a mum who treated him like one of her pets.
Pravda said the boy's 31-year-old mum did not talk him and treated him like a bird, forcing him to learn avian language.
Social worker Galina Volskaya said shocked authorities discovered the boy in a two-bedroom apartment with bird mess littering the floor.
Volskaya said: “When you start talking to him, he chirps."
And she added that the boy becomes frustrated at not being able to communicate and flaps his arms.
Pravda reported that authorities believe the boy is suffering from Mowgli syndrome, after the Jungle Book character who is raised by wild animals.
The boy has reportedly been released by authorities and put in a medical facility.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Britain is Repossessing the USA
A message from John Cleese:
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of ninnies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host a
n event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
You can download a calendar of some nudey hunks HERE.
So, there's a blonde & a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on.
They notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde & says: "Someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n' Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Ben Cohen, the 29-year-old former England rugby star recreating the classic sepia image of man and child that sold five million Athena posters in the 1980s.
Mmm those at those arms!
Eyeball tattoo
If even the sight of someone being needled with a normal tattoo is enough to make your eyes water, then it might be best to look away now.
For body-art enthusiasts have developed a new technique that gives a whole new meaning to beauty being in the eye of the beholder.
What is thought to be the first ever "eyeball tattoo" has been inflicted on a man in Toronto - good news, perhaps, for anyone who ever dreamed of having blue eyes.
The tattooer injected ink into the eyeball of volunteer Pauly Unstoppable using a needle, until his eye was completely blue.
Just in case you weren't yet feeling squeamish enough, bear in mind that it took more than 40 tries before the eye was filled with ink.
The blue substance used was mixed with antibiotic eyewash.
The experiment was carried out for Canadian company ModProm, with those taking part insisting that Pauly would not go blind.
True to the Burt Bacharach song, it does stop rain drops fallin' on your head – but the public embarrassment it heaps on instead may prove a problem.
But this hands-free umbrella, unveiled in Britain and the US, could yet take the commuter world by storm. You decide...
With the eternal need to juggle coffee, mobile phone and/or MP3 player when on the move, the opening in the market was clear for this one-man greenhouse effect.
While some may snigger, those sporting the Nubrella will have the last laugh because it cannot be blown out by the wind, claims designer Alan Kaufman.
An overdose of Viagra has been blamed for turning a man's eyesight blue.
John Pettigrew admits taking too many of the sex-boost pills - and now seems to be living in an endless "blue movie".
The 58-year-old plumber had topped up his doctor's prescription of the drug with extra supplies he bought online.
The Brighton father-of-two said: "I admit I ignored the advice on the packet - I was having too much fun.
"But I'd give up all the sex in the world to be able to see a red letterbox again.
"I have been seeing the world in blue for more than a fortnight now and it's doing my head in. At least I'm a Chelsea fan."
Viagra makers Pfizer say people should not exceed the recommended dose, since the drug can add a blue tint to users' sight.
Poor British tourist's dick is mutilated
British tourist is recovering on a Caribbean island after mystery assailants apparently tried to slice off his penis.
Ellie Rothery, 21, raised the alarm after discovering plumber boyfriend Alan Reed, 43, lying in a pool of blood on his hotel bed.
The pair, both from London, became separated during a night out in the party resort of Cabarete in the Dominican Republic.
Speaking from his hospital bed in a private medical centre in the town of Puerto Plata last night, Londoner Alan said: "I have a lot of stitches and I'm still in a lot of pain but it could be a lot worse.
"The doctors have sewn me up and have told me there'll be no long term damage.
The sack around his left testicle was completely detached and he had two big gashes in his penis.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Madonna has named her new album Hard Candy.
The eagerly-awaited collection will hit shop shelves on April 28 and sees the star ditch her camel toe-showing leotards for a more hip hop vibe.
Her Madgesty has worked with heavyweights like TIMBALAND and PHARELL WILLIAMS on the collection, which will be her last for Warner Bros.
The first single from the collection will be Four Minutes.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco when the man picks up a
crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry
on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says
the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND
IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE".
A Hungarian policewoman has been sacked after she was spotted in a hard-core porn movie.
Livia Kovacs, 36, from the Budapest police force was spotted in the Triple X rated movie by a colleague who then told superiors.
She has now been fired for bringing the force into disrepute and misuse of her police uniform.
In the movies, she plays a dominatrix cop who uses her police handcuffs and a truncheon during a wild sex session. Hot!
Kovacs said: "I don't care about being fired. Since news spread about my acting debut I have been flooded with offers from producers to do more films."
ResimaY
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me we ll. Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:.....
Dear Beefy-I mean-Bryan,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You're hired, starting immediately.
Workers are entitled to expect several benefits from their boss - statutory days off, a Christmas party perhaps and maybe even a company car.
But demanding prostitutes be sent to a hotel room may just be one demand even the most militant trade union would find too much.
But Neil Jorgensen thought it would be worth a try - until he found himself fired, anyway.
The 62-year-old had been given a gift certificate and free night's stay at the Riverside Casino and Golf Resort in Iowa, rewarding him for one year working for the owners.
He enjoyed his meal and booze - but took the hospitality too far when he returned to his room and called hotel management about hiring a prostitute.
When they declined to get involved, he called a neighbouring resort with the same request - and his persistent pleas eventually won him not a night with a call girl, but his P45 the following day.
Suing the firm for unemployment benefits, he has now told a tribunal in Des Moines, Iowa: "The advertisement is that it's just like Las Vegas, so I thought I was in Las Vegas."
He also blamed the restaurant for plying him with too much alcohol, admitting: "I was absolutely ploughed."
The firm said hotel workers were forced to rush to his room to beg him to stop demanding prostitutes - finding Jorgensen naked and insistent.
Administrative law judge Terence Nice turned down Jorgensen's claim for unemployment benefits.
Awww
Police dogs in the German city of Duesseldorf are being fitted out with blue rubber shoes to protect their paws while walking the beat.
Shards of glass and sharp objects get stuck between the cobbles of Duesseldorf's old town and are dangerous for the canine squad.
"The dogs aren't too keen yet, but with a few weeks' training they should be used to them," a police spokesman said.
Twenty 20 German shepherds are being taught to walk and work with their new footwear in time for a police fashion show in March.
A bit disturbing
A mentally ill man continued to feed and care for his elderly parents after they had died, an inquest heard today.
John Dumsday, 85, was badly decomposed when he was found dead in his chair at the family home in Southbourne, Dorset. He was found to have a scrumptious Kentucky Fried Chicken wing in his mouth.
The pensioner, who played football for Queens Park Rangers in his youth, had napkins where his son Paul had been continuing to feed him.
His 83-year-old wife Christine, was found wearing a personal stereo playing music, when their bodies were found on August 25 last year.
A post-mortem examination showed she had died of natural causes due to heart disease, malnutrition and an undetected tumour in her kidney, a coroner in Bournemouth was told.
The inquest heard Mr Dumsday was a sportsman before and during the war. He played cricket for the London XI team and football for Queens Park Rangers before he joined the Royal Air Force.
He was discharged from service after injuring his leg and went on to become an estate agent.
Coroner's officer Michael Humphries said: "The son, who had mental problems, thought his parents were still alive.
Nokia has unveiled what could be the phone of the future – and it bends like an elastic band and cleans itself.
The Morph concept, developed by Nokia Research Center (NRC) and the University of Cambridge, was launched this week and will be on display at The Museum of Modern Art in New York for the next few months.
The technology certainly looks impressive; the phone can be used as a keyboard and then 'folded' up to become a more traditional handset and has the power to run on solar energy.
It also has the capacity to be bent into a bracelet or ring shape, potentially wrapped around the wrist for ease of access, and can take on the same colours as the clothes a user is wearing.
Nokia confidently predicts that the concept may "reinvent the form and function of mobile devices".
The Finnish phone maker is not expecting mobile phone users to be showing off the Morph technology any time soon and suggests it will not be ready for seven years, and even then only at the high end.
A murder trial was halted yesterday when a woman juror was unwittingly flashed at by a man in a tartan mini skirt.
Tranny Brian Alliban, 37, was in the public gallery at the Old Bailey when, as he later admitted: “I forgot to cross my legs.”
It is claimed he was not wearing undies — and the shocked juror saw the evidence.
She wrote a note to the judge, who halted the case while cops escorted Brian out.
Brian, who calls himself Naomi and plans to have a sex-change op, said: “I’m halfway to being a woman but I sometimes have trouble with underwear.
“I was wearing a skirt and was not sitting like a woman so, as the public gallery is higher up, people below had a view right up my legs.” Brian was also wearing lipstick, eye liner and a hairgrip.
He said he often attended court because he felt safe.
A murder trial was halted yesterday when a woman juror was unwittingly flashed at by a man in a tartan mini skirt.
Tranny Brian Alliban, 37, was in the public gallery at the Old Bailey when, as he later admitted: “I forgot to cross my legs.”
It is claimed he was not wearing undies — and the shocked juror saw the evidence.
She wrote a note to the judge, who halted the case while cops escorted Brian out.
Brian, who calls himself Naomi and plans to have a sex-change op, said: “I’m halfway to being a woman but I sometimes have trouble with underwear.
“I was wearing a skirt and was not sitting like a woman so, as the public gallery is higher up, people below had a view right up my legs.”
Brian was also wearing lipstick, eye liner and a hairgrip.
He said he often attended court because he felt safe.
Monday, February 25, 2008
A little girl asked her mother:
"How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered:
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made."
Two days later, she asks her father the same question.
The father answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race was developed."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says:
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me
that the human race was created by God
and Papa says they were developed
from monkeys."
The mother answers:
"Well dear, it is very simple.
I told you about the origin
of my side of the family,
while your father told you
about his side..."
World's biggest burger
There's super-sizing, and there's super-sizing - and then there's this gut-busting attempt at a record-breaking hamburger.
This not-so-fast food weighs in at a hefty 134lb for the burger, slapped inside a 50lb bun, and needs to be ordered 24 hours in advance.
And any diner giving in to temptation - or taking up the challenge of tucking in - will be hit by a bill for $350.
The mighty meal - dubbed "The Absolutely Ridiculous Burger" - is being served up at Mallie's Sports Bar and Grill in Detroit, Michigan.
Owner Steve Mallie is waiting to discover whether he has indeed won a Guinness World Records honour for the largest hamburger commercially available.
Pennsylvania firm Denny's Beer Barrel Pub currently holds the record, for their 123lb creation.
Shirley Neely has stocked up her fridge for the Spring season - with shelves full of slumbering tortoises.
The pets are hibernating - or chilling out - in their unusual home after their owner became concerned about the mildness of this winter's climate.
Mrs Neely, who runs the 75-pet Tortoise Sanctuary in Jersey, has placed her charges carefully alongside the more customary fridge fare of vegetables and bottles of wine and milk.
Tortoises are meant to hibernate for up to three months between December and March, in temperatures between 3C and 8C.
But many have been waking up as a result of unusual winter warmth this year, and so storing them in a fridge seems one way of simulating more appropriate seasonal conditions.
Mrs Neely said: "It's much easier to maintain a constantly cool temperature with a fridge than it is with our ever-warming climate."
She gives her pets some fresh air each day by billowing open the fridge door - though a dinner party guest who looked in for a bottle of wine was taken aback by the curious sight.
Poor tranny kid murdered!
A boy of 15 was shot dead in school by another lad because he was openly gay, police believe.
Lawrence “Larry” King had bravely, but stupidly, come out to fellow pupils.
But when he began to wear mascara, lipstick, high-heeled boots and jewellery it led to bullying from a group of kids in his class.
Cops say Larry was shot in the head by a fellow student who burst in on him and 24 classmates in a computer lab.
The killer fled but was arrested a few streets away.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Grandson of Mak Erot, Indonesia's legendary supernatural lengthener of members, Saipuloh, shows his equipments, three large wooden penises, at his clinic in Jakarta on February 21, 2008.
'Three large wooden penises lie on a colourful batik prayer mat in the house of Mak Erot, Indonesia's legendary lengthener of male members, inviting customers to pick their new look.'
Lots of pics of naked chaps HERE, if you're interested.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Traditionally, February 29 in a leap year is the one day on which women can propose to their man.
In days gone by women would send anonymous - and humorous - love tokens to the object of their affections.
These cards, dating from 1900 to the early 1940s, were lovingly collected by expert David Watkins.
Friday, February 22, 2008
This is cool!
Go to THIS website.
Wait for the lady to appear (it will take a little time) then ...
1. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE; and
2. WRITE YOUR FAMILY NAME in the 2nd LINE.
3. No need to write your e.mail address.
4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.
Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are among a group of A-listers being urged to have Hepatitis A vaccinations after attending Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday, because they might have been served some poo with their Margaritas.
Madge's health scare comes after the New York health department urged anyone who visited the 'Socialista' bar in Manhattan between February 7 -11 to get a jab after a barman was found to be affected.
Demi Moore threw a lavish bash for her toyboy at the venue on the February 7 with other attendees including Ivanka Trump, Liv Tyler, Lucy Liu and Salma Hayek, msnbc reports.
Hep A is a liver infection that can be spread through the mouth if a person comes into contact with something contaminated with faecal matter from an infected individual.
Shocking!
An Israeli MP has blamed a spate of earthquakes in the Middle East on gays.
Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party, said the tremors could be stopped by repealing liberal laws on homosexuality.
Six earthquakes have struck Israel and neighbouring Lebanon and Jordan in recent months, with two coming last week alone.
Israel decriminalised homosexuality in 1988 and has since recognised same-sex marriages. To the outrage of the religious Right, it last week enabled same-sex couples to adopt children.
"Why do earthquakes happen? One of the reasons is the things to which the Knesset gives legitimacy, to sodomy," he said during a parliamentary debate.
"God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up," he added.
Hi guys. Has anyone had problems with getting a refund from Dell? I don't think the word "refund" is actually in Dell's vocabulary. They're happy to take your money but they're unwilling to part with it if something goes wrong. Well, they've messed with the wrong bitch this time around.
I bought a laptop for my sister recently and some bizarre things have happened: the screen went blank on one occasion and on another occasion, it just randomly switched off. As far as I'm concerned, this is a shoddy piece of kit and I'm seeking a full refund. I sent quite an aggressive letter to them the other day and now the Customer Services Manager from India keeps calling me!
Sorry love, but I'm too busy to take your call. Wait in the queue and then once you get through, I'll pass you from one idiot to the next, before hanging up on you.
Why can't they fucking write me a letter or email? I want all communications in writing. Everything they need to know is in the letter: either I get my money back by the deadline I've stipulated, or I'm taking their asses to court.
I'll keep you informed...
Should you watch your best mate have sex with his girlfriends? Or pretend to be him in order to have sex with one of them yourself?
These are not normally issues addressed in polite society, but they are apparently burning questions in the world of Aussie rules football – as shown by a new interactive DVD produced for players on how to behave around women.
Among other scenarios posed in the DVD is how to behave to a girl who has drunk too much. Give her some water? Call her a taxi? Take her back to your place for sex?
The raucous behaviour of Australian rules players has put Premiership footballers to shame in recent years. Wayne Carey, North Melbourne Kangaroos' star, notoriously had an affair with his vice-captain's wife.
Adam Selwood of the West Coast Eagles, made lewd suggestions about a tattoo of a girl sported by Fremantle rival Des Headland – only to be told it was his daughter just as the first punch flew in.
Commentator Eddie McGuire said: 'The point the AFL is trying to make is that young men come into football and they go from not being able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclubs throwing themselves at them.'
There was a time when Brits abroad knew no shame, speaking loudly and slowly wherever they went without a care in the world.
But all that is changing, as a new holiday guide has shown.
As our destinations become more exotic, we must remember that, if you are complimented on your shirt in Venezuela, you are expected to take it off and hand it over.
And placing your chopsticks in your bowl after a hearty meal in China in effect shows you are making an offering to the dead.
These are just two pieces of advice that found their way into the latest Holiday Which? guide on how to avoid an international incident.
Other tips include avoiding putting your hands on your hips if you are a woman as this shows disrespect to your husband (if you happen to be passing through Namibia).
But there are a few suggestions that do more than just avoid embarrassment – they keep the peace.
Chewing gum in Singapore can land you with a fine and eating the tasty but smelly durian fruit is illegal on the train network.
And try not to imitate Basil Fawlty's infamous goose-stepping scene if holidaying in Egypt; showing the soles of your feet is seen as insulting by Egyptians.
'There are customs and etiquette that would be impossible to guess at unless you knew,' said guide editor Lorna Cowan.
The baby thornback ray, one of a dozen hatched a month ago, seems to grin at visitors to the Blue Reef aquarium in Southsea.
Oooh I saw one of these at the London Aquarium but I wasn't quite sure whether I was looking at its face- or arse! I was tempted to poke it with my finger. Whatever it was, it did smile at me. Awww.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Pay attention!!!!
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the ass of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Teacher shoots pupil. That should teach the bastard.
A Romanian schoolteacher is in trouble after allegedly shooting a student in class with a rubber bullet for being rude.
Jane Ilie, 58, who teaches maths at CFR High School in Craiova, Dolj county, has been suspended and is under police investigation.
He denied the allegations claiming his rubber bullet gun, for which he had a license, fired accidentally while he was moving it from his pocket into his briefcase.
But students said he wanted to teach a lesson to a 15-year-old pupil who called a girl a "goat" during the break.
The teacher allegedly asked the student: "How do you want this to end? Do you want me to beat you or shoot you?"
Then he is said to have shot the pupil in his hand leaving him with minor injuries requiring medical treatment.
A Chinese driver has been fined for driving with an intravenous drip in his arm.
Police in Laishan city stopped a slowly moving car and were surprised to find the driver with an IV bottle hanging from his rear-view mirror and connected to his left arm.
"Only his right hand was free to control the wheel and change gears," a police spokesman said.
The driver, Mr Sun, told police he had got sick of waiting for treatment at a clinic and decided to drive home.
"I thought as long as I drove slowly there would be no danger," he said.
Police fined Sun 50 yuan, the equivalent of £3.50, and gave him a serious warning, reports Qilu Evening News.
A TV station is under investigation after a cockroach was seen scuttling across a news reader's desk during a live broadcast.
Turkmenistan's national station was bombarded with calls from disgusted viewers saying it had put them off their dinners after they saw the insect during the main evening news programme.
Culture Minister Gulmurat Muradov has ordered an internal investigation at the channel.
And now 30 people including editors, directors and technical operators have been sacked over the incident.
Yay! Crazy yellas at it again!
A Hong Kong design company has come up with the ultimate breakfast for wannabe gangsters - gun-shaped eggs.
Hong Kong-based Urban Trend has designed a range of gun-shaped egg fryers which it says will be shooting into stores later this year.
Customers will be able to serve up their eggs in a variety of weapon shapes, including a Magnum .45 and a Uzi.
"Whatever the reason, gun-shaped objects seem to be all the rage these days," a company spokesman said.
Made from stainless steel, the wacky kitchenware will be distributed to 40 countries worldwide and will sell for £3 for a pack of four.
Pricasso
'Pricasso', the Aussie artist who uses his dick as a brush, has entered a racy self-portrait for Australia's top art prize.
Tim Patch, who calls himself Pricasso, usually exposes his talents at sex product fairs around the world, but has decided to go upmarket by entering a painting for Australia's Archibald Prize - the nation's top award for portraiture.
In a unique painting style, Patch does not use paint brushes but rather his penis to apply paint to the canvas.
'I had to use my arse to paint in the background, because you have to have the occasional break,' Patch told the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper on Wednesday.
Spare a thought for the cast of BBC's Torchwood who get to see their lead guy John Barrowman baring it all.
According to Freema Agyeman who plays Martha Jones in the Doctor Who spin off, John arrives on set with his willy hanging out!
And everyone carries on as though it's normal!
Hmm he ain't doing anything for me but I'd still oogle at his nether regions.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by
> teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
> reprimanded.
>
> 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and
> has started to dig.
>
> 2. I would not allow this student to breed.
> 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
> 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
> 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently
> fails to achieve them.
>
> 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing
> to hold it all together.
>
> 7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
> 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
> 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
> isn't coming.
>
> 10. If this student was any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
> twice a week.
>
> 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
> beat out 1,000,000 others.
>
> 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Martha's way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for fuck's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
Martha's way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way
Buy SMASH potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
My way
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad - You did your bit.
Martha's way
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way
Go ask that gorgeous neighbor if he can open it for you! It's a fantastic way to break the ice before taking him to bed!
Martha's way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way
Leftover wine???????????
HELLOooooooooooooo!!!
Helloooooo!
I was offered another job today. I was quite pleased, until the time came to actually tell Mr Boss Man. As soon as I said: "Can we have a chat?", his face dropped.
This is how the conversation went:
Me: you're going to kill me....
Him: oh no
Me: I don't even need to say it, do I?
Him: No. When?
Me: 5th April
Ugh. I don't even feel very happy because I feel like I've really disappointed him. I should be celebrating, damnit!
Kissing Ireland's famous Blarney Stone may not give you the gift of the gab after all - because it may be the wrong one.
Experts discovered that the present stone was put in the castle in 1888 for health and safety reasons.
So the 300,000 people a year who patiently queue to kiss the stone may get nothing for their trouble but a good view and cold lips- and possibly herpes.
To reach the original bluestone you had to dangle by the ankles over the battlements which was deemed too dangerous.
A Korean man is facing charges after trying to eat his landlady's dog, setting his room on fire in the process.
The Seoul resident, named only as Park, dognapped the Chihuahua while his landlady was in the bathroom, and set about preparing it as a meal.
Firstly, this involved killing it. Then Park decided to try scorching the dog before cooking it properly (to seal in the wholesome doggy flavours), but – somewhat unsurprisingly – this had the side-effect of setting his room on fire.
The Korea Times reports that Park was, you'll be astonished to learn, drunk when he was arrested. The paper says that his explanation for his dog-cooking actions was: 'I did so because I was hungry.'
Kinky Disney actress Vanessa Hudgens could be facing another sex storm after fresh web rumours alleged she'd made a Christmas tree sex tape.
The 'sex tape' claim comes just months after the High School Musical star's career was put in crisis after a string of nude pictures taken in her bedroom were leaked on the internet.
In the 'new footage' the 19-year-old is allegedly recorded on a cell phone sitting under a Christmas tree wearing only a Santa's hat and some saucy knickers decorated with mistletoe.
During the 45 seconds clip Hudgens reportedly turns to the cameraman and whispers: 'I want Santa to come up my chimney because I've been a good little girl this year.' Oooh, she's nasty!
Don't fucking swear during job interviews!
Swearing in a work interview is a "fatal blow" to any chance of landing the job, according to a report today. No shit!
Research by children's charity NCH showed interviewers are most likely to be impressed by enthusiasm and professionalism.
Swearing and scruffy clothes were a huge turn off for people conducting interviews, according to the study of 1,000 interviewers, which was launched to highlight an NCH campaign seeking volunteers to help improve the skills of children and young families living in poverty.
Hugh Thornbery, NCH's director of Children's Services, said: "Interviews are about more than first impressions, as these results show. A person's enthusiasm, professionalism and how they come across are all key. It's essential that people get support in developing interview and CV skills."
A list of the strangest things that happened during an interview included someone's false teeth falling out, a chair breaking, a candidate being sick and another one fainting.
One candidate fell asleep while being interviewed to work as a long-distance lorry driver, and in another case a candidate's mother came along and insisted on asking questions. Sounds like a former colleague of mine!
A posh restaurant is letting customers write their own bills – and pay what they think the meal was worth. Now if only all restaurants subscribed to this business model. We'd all be porkers. I know; I have no shame!
Boss Mick Callaghan, 46, was inspired by Radiohead’s decision to let fans pay what they wanted for their album. Most of 'em paid about a quid, didn't they?
Mick, who runs Penn Central in Poole, Dorset, said: “If people enjoy a good meal it puts them in a good frame of mind.
“We are so confident in our food we believe customers will pay a fair amount."
A British man has been jailed for five days for urinating on one of Latvia's most treasured monuments.
A court official said the man, who denied the charges, would serve his sentence in a police cell after being found guilty of pissing on the Freedom Monument.
The 138ft monument, erected in 1935, is symbol of the Baltic state's resistance to foreign rule, which included 50 years of Soviet occupation.
People detained for acts of disrespect in the past have been fined. One man wearing a kilt uncovered his dangly bits at the monument last year.
Latvian Interior Minister Maris Seglins said: "These English people are pigs...
"One filthy bunch of pigs." Too damn right! lol
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. 'Hello?' she cried, but no answer.
'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice,
'Hello, is there anyone here?'
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....
'We're down here!'
Butlers in the buff
'Butlers in the Buff' are specialists in the supply of scantily clad hunky butlers for Hen Nights, Corporate Hospitality, Events Companies, Wedding Receptions and Private Parties.
Read this question and come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
A woman, while at the funeral for her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him later. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question:
What is her motive in killing her sister? (give this some thought before you answer).
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I’ll just be extra nice to you from now on. Be sure to share the test.
10 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON AN ANNIVERSARY
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law."Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."
Everybody, of course, is encouraged to recycle as much of their household waste as possible. But some residents of Norwich seem to have taken things a bit far.
Bizarre items deposited in the city's recycling bins include dead cats and dogs, a Samurai sword, smoke grenades, a car wheel complete with tyre and live ammunition.
'It is shocking what people put in their recycling bins,' said Norwich City Council's Brian Morrey.
'I would really urge people to think before they put anything into their bin,' he added.A woman who said she was relentlessly taunted by colleagues because of chronic farting has lost her discrimination claim, an employment tribunal confirmed today.
The woman, who cannot be named, claimed she was subjected to cruel jibes from staff at Leeds Metropolitan University because she suffered from severe irritable bowel syndrome.
The Leeds tribunal heard how one colleague said: 'She opens the window because she sits there and stinks the place out - we shouldn't have to put up with it.'
The woman claimed disability and racial discrimination against the university, as well as constructive dismissal.
She told the hearing colleagues would make sniffing noises and 'bowel jokes' when she was in earshot.
The woman complained about being harassed but disciplinary proceedings were started against her because of concerns over the quality of her work and increased sickness absences, the tribunal heard.
The three-strong tribunal panel dismissed all three of her claims, a spokesman for Leeds Employment Tribunal said today.
Miss Piggy had come up against this beastie, we doubt whether her karate chops would have made it shake with fear.
This giant 'frog from hell' would have weighed in at 4kg and been up to 40cm longer than a rugby ball – somewhat, er, bigger than Miss Piggy's weedy Muppet pal, Kermit.
In fact, its squat body, huge head and wide mouth helped make it one of the biggest frogs ever, a newly found 70 million-year-old fossil unearthed in Madagascar reveals.
Its appearance suggests an indulgent appetite and gobbling baby dinosaurs may indeed have been on its menu.
Researcher Prof Susan Evans said: 'This frog would have been the size of a slightly squashed beach ball. It would have been a formidable predator on small animals and its diet would most likely have consisted of insects and small vertebrates, such as lizards. But it is not impossible it even munched on hatchling or juvenile dinosaurs.'
Dubbed Beelzebufo (frog from hell) by scientists at University College London and Stony Brook University, New York, the fossil is similar to horned toads previously thought to be unique to South America.
Murderer didn't know he was fucking a corpse!
A pub chef accused of killing Sally Anne Bowman did not realise she was dead until he finished having sex with her corpse, a court heard on Monday.
Mark Dixie admitted he abused the woman's bleeding body while high on drink and drugs before fleeing, but denied murdering the 18-year-old model.
'You may think his conduct is disgusting, he allowed his lust to get the better of him,' said his lawyer Anthony Glass, who asked the jury to remain open-minded.
Hmph. Singles being punished-again!
A Florida church leader is challenging married members of his congregation to have sex every day for a month.
The challenge for single parishioners is slightly different, though - to abstain from sex for 30 days, reports Sky News.
Paul Wirth, head pastor of the Relevant Church in Ybor City, said the marathon undertaking could help cut high divorce rates.
He said: "Couples across America are struggling in their relationships, both married and single people.
"For married people it seems like the sex is great up front but then for some reason life happens.
"But when you're single it's like you're always thinking about it and you're like, man I'd like to have it as much as possible.
"And sometimes that prevents them from having a great really healthy relationship later on when you do get married."
The Relevant Church describes itself as "a casual, contemporary Christian church" and says its services are designed "specifically for urban professionals and young families".
Mr Wirth's previous sermons have included using hit film Shrek The Third to explain "what happens when we trust God".
A fish more terrifying than a piranha has been caught in Britain for the first time — sparking fears of a deadly invasion.
The vicious giant snakehead munches everything it comes across and has even been reported to kill people.
The monster — from south-east Asia — has a mouth crammed with fearsome teeth, can "crawl" on land and survive out of water for up to four days.
News that a 2ft specimen had been hooked in an English river caused widespread panic among anglers and conservationists.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Not a lot of people know this
An interesting fact ?
Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention,
so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet,
but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks
and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " ,
(Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
The zombie from Girls Aloud
Ewww. That is the height of pastiness. Bitch needs to take a leaf out of her bandmate's book- rub some Bisto gravy into the skin!
Doggy music
A song that is inaudible to humans has become a top-selling hit in New Zealand is set to be released worldwide.
A Very Silent Night, said to be recorded at a frequency that can be heard only by dogs, was issued as a charity CD by the Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
To widespread surprise, it rocketed to the top of the charts, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Now distributors in the US and Australia are vying for the rights to international sales, the society has announced.
Although dog owners sit through several minutes of silence while the disc spins on the CD player, the dogs they own are reported to wag their tails, prick up their ears, and even dance in delight.
The crazing rantings of Mohammed Al Fayed
Mohamed al Fayed has labelled the royal famiy as the 'Dracula family' and Prince Philip as 'Frankenstein' as he bids to prove Diana and his son Dodi were killed in a conspiracy between MI6 and the Duke of Edinburgh.
He told the inquest into Diana's death that the princess had told him Prince Philip (the Duke of Edinburgh) and Prince Charles were 'trying to get rid of her.'
Referring to what he called the 'Dracula Family', he said Diana and Dodi had been 'slaughtered'.
He went on to brand Philip a "Nazi" and a "racist" and said: "It's time to send him back to Germany from where he comes."
"You want to know his original name - it ends with Frankenstein."
And he referred to Camilla as a "crocodile wife".
I love this crazy bitch!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I love it when other people moan about the British- most of what they say is true!
A young Russian woman's book about the pitfalls of living as an immigrant in Britain has become a surprise best-seller in Moscow ... and it paints a distinctly unflattering portrait of the natives.
Instead of finding London the city of her dreams, 23-year-old Olga Freer moans about the shopping hours, the public transport and the bad manners she encounters. In a litany of complaints about her adopted country, in her book The UK For Beginners she claims that Britons:
• Habitually scratch their asses in public places;
• Never remove the price stickers from the soles of their shoes;
• Fail to iron their clothes; and
• Are obsessed with TV programmes about buying and selling houses.
She says the country is full of "prudish, arrogant people who eat healthy food for breakfast – porridge or bacon and eggs. But in reality the nation suffers from obesity".
Some 60 per cent of the female population wear size 22 clothes, she says.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
The average bloke spends a year of his life ogling women, according to new research.
He glances at 11 girls every day for a full two minutes each – first eyeing her boobies, then ass and legs. It adds up to 134 hours a year – or 5½ days, totalling 350 days over a lifetime.
A third of men admitted that sneaking a peek at another woman had landed them in trouble with their wife or girlfriend.
But girls check out a couple of blokes every day – sizing them up in just 90 seconds.
Almost half said they were first attracted to a man’s eyes, followed by a glance at his bum and then a whiff of his aftershave.
Why aren't gays ever included in such surveys?The stats for poofs and lesbos would put breeders to shame.
Hmm, what do I look at first when eyeing up a guy? First, the face (I'm making sure there is no trace of foundation, eye liner, or an attempt to shape his eyebrows). If he's wearing shorts, however, then screw the face; I'll be leering at his legs! I want to see hairy, muscley legs. All my other criteria goes straight out the window. lol
Friday, February 15, 2008
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Pass this warning on.
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW, TAKIN' MY
TEETH WITH HER.'
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech and walked out into the lobby and
met with President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian
said, 'You know I have just one question about what
I have seen in America.'
President Bush said, 'Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.'
The Iranian whispered 'My son watches this show 'Star
Trek' and in it there is Chekhov, who is Russian;
Scotty who is Scottish; Uhura who is Black; and Sulu
who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset
and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek.
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, 'It's because it
takes place in the future.'
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game: Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex so take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Q. Why do women have orgasms? A. It's just another reason to moan!
What kind of wife can wash up with one hand, cook a meal with the other, dust with one foot, suck your cock while opening a beer with her twat? A Swiss-Army wife of course.
Freda and Jeff had a code-word for sex..."washing machine" He whispered this code one night when Freda was tired and she said "Oh Jeff, night tonight, I'm exhausted..."A little later, feeling guilty, she rolled over and said "washing machine" love?"Naw, you're alright - it was only a small load so I did it by hand"
The NHS are now paying for sperm donations. That must make that old towel under your bed worth about 40 grand....
Are you available for a pancake competition tonight? The organisers have the stove, the pans and the ingredients - but they heard you were a tosser...
Hi dudes. Today, I was involved in shortlisting job applications. One bitch tried to demonstrate how she has a "whatever it takes" attitude by stating: "On 8th February, I missed my tea break to write some letters because they all needed to be posted by the end of the day".
Talk about ambitious!
Another applicant who works at the Home Office stated that she always checks her colleagues' work for grammatical errors. Unfortunately, her application form was littered with all sorts of errors. Needless to say, I ended up using the form as toilet paper.
Sorry for not posting anything during the day- it's been too fookin' busy!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's effing hundreds of them!'
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
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Madge is pure filth with no wisdom
Poor Madge.
She made her directorial debut at the Berlin Film Festival yesterday to a mere smattering of applause, but reviews have been far less polite, calling the film "dumb and tacky," and "a turkey".
The 81-minute movie follows a Ukrainian immigrant and self-proclaimed philosopher and poet, as he strives for superstardom with his gypsy punk band.
As well as directing and executive producing the film, the pop star co-wrote the script.
LOL! Did anyone seriously think her film would be any good? Stick to music, ya silly whore!
The Guardian's review sums it up pretty nicely:
Well, it had to happen. Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now - fiercely aspirational as ever - she has graduated to being a terrible director. She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens. She is also the producer and co-author of the script. If she'd done the location catering as well, they'd have had a Jonestown situation on their hands.
Madonna has made a dumb and tacky comedy-drama about three people sharing a flat in a quaintly conceived "London" and her conception of super-cool streetwise reality is so clueless it's as if Marie Antoinette had made a film about cake-munching peasants. One of her characters is a pill-popping pharmacy assistant; one's a wannabe ballerina forced through poverty to work at a lap-dancing club; and the third is a Ukrainian punk-poet who earns a few bob humiliating masochists while wearing ex-Soviet military garb in his ratty bedroom. This last is played by Eugene Hutz, who does occasionally raise a smile, but everything else is a mess.
Madonna's script is a nightmare of crass and fatuous stereotypes: south Asians, Jews, gays - no one escapes her lack of insight or common sense. Despite living in Britain for many years, she has only the sketchiest notion of what the place is like. Her film reaches a Zen state of pure offensive awfulness when the lap-dancer's mentor comes round with a gigantic wad of £20 notes. This was her "tips from last night". Her "tips"? From "last night"?
Perhaps Madonna really does think that this is what lap-dancers make in a night. Or perhaps it's what she thinks they ought to make, or what they'd make if she was playing a lap-dancer in her acting pomp, the 80s era of Desperately Seeking Susan, whose picturesque vision of Bohemian life this film faintly and tragically recalls. Oh dear. How is it possible that the exhilaratingly talented star from that time has dwindled to such a dullard?
A woman in Germany who became pregnant after an online sex auction has won a court battle to force the Web site that hosted the sale to reveal the names of the winners, so she can find out who's the father.
Six different men won Internet auctions to have sex with the woman in April and May last year. They were only known to her by their online names, a spokesman for a court in the southwestern city of Stuttgart said Wednesday.
'The woman wanted to discover which one of the men had made her pregnant,' the spokesman said. 'So she needed their contact details. Of course, if they're not willing to go along with the gene test, she'll have to take them to court.'
The woman asked the site's operator to reveal the true identity of the men, but it refused, citing a confidentiality clause in its terms and conditions.
The court ruled in her favor, saying the child's right to know who its father was took precedence.
Oww!
Doctors have removed a two-inch nail from a man's genitals which he claimed was inserted there without his knowledge by a gang who attacked and robbed him.
The man admitted himself to hospital with extreme abdominal pain and was unable to speak. However, doctors spotted the nail on X-ray and it was pulled out of the 37-year-old man's urethra in the first attempt.
The X-ray clearly showed the outline of the nail inside his penis, which he claimed was inserted by a gang of Bahrainis.
The man told doctors the last thing he remembered was having something sprayed in his face and being fondled by one of his assailants before he blacked out.
He had been walking around with the nail inside his genitals for three days before going to hospital, the Gulf Daily News reported.
Doctors said he could have died if the object had not been spotted and removed in a non-surgical procedure known as a cystoscopy at the Salmaniya Medical Complex, Bahrain.
People calling a Michigan state police post got an unexpected pitch for phone sex.
Calls to the Bridgeport post's main number were met Wednesday morning with a recorded message saying, 'Indulge yourself with the most exciting conversation imaginable.'
That was followed by a telephone number for a phone sex line, The Saginaw News reported.
The phones were working properly by midmorning, Sgt. Alan Renz said.
The mix-up was an 'internal issue that has nothing to do with the phone company' and an investigation is underway, he told the newspaper.
While bathing your baby girl, you should flick her bean?
Swiss parents are being told they should help children masturbate.
A controversial booklet called Korper, Liebe, Doktorspiele (”body, love, doctor games”) which was first handed out in Germany but later recalled has now appeared in Switzerland.
Available from the Kinderschutz Schweiz, an independent Swiss organisation for the prevention of sexual violence, it includes advice on massaging the sexual organs of children aged between one and three.
In Germany public prosecutors investigated but took no action after they received complaints from mothers who branded the pamphlet a “call for child abuse”.
The so-called “guidebook for parents for children’s sexual education from ages 1-3” urged parents to “combine the necessities with the amenities”, as a German saying goes, “by tickling, petting, caressing and kissing the child in various places when cleaning it”.
Another passage reads: “The vagina and particularly the clitoris attract almost no attention through naming and tender touching (neither by father nor mother) and thus make it hard for girls to develop pride for their sexuality.”
A massive outcry by parents groups - and a police probe led to the booklet being recalled in Germany.
Now it has emerged again in Switzerland and critics are demanding authorities ban it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A New Year reveller who let off a balloon in Sussex has received a letter from France accusing her of littering.
Heidi Lebers, 39, from Heathfield, released the balloon with a message reading: "Happy New Year to whoever finds this when it lands".
Six weeks later she received a letter from Toucy, 200 miles south of Paris, accusing her of littering, reports The Times. Grumpy Toucy!
She said: "I had no idea that I would get this kind of response."
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disaster! s!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with
a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same
for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you
and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?????"
The 1st Affair:
>
> A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>
> One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>
> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>
> "You lying bastard!
> You've been playing golf!"
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> The 2nd Affair:
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
>
> They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> The 3rd Affair:
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>
> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
>
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
>
> "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>
> "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?! "
>
> ________________________________
>
> The 4th Affair:
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
>
> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
> "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
>
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
> ________________________________
>
> The 5th Affair:
>
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
>
> "One cent?" the man thought.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>
> "A nickel," the barman replied.
>
> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
> The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
> The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>
> The bartender replied,
> "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
>
> ________________________________
>
> The 6th Affair:
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
>
> "There's no need to," his wife replied.
>
> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
>
> "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
>
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men
and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that about?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her
we'd just buy them all. She wanted shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,' Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows
I'm smarter than her.
Alright Girls. Forward this on if you agree. Hell . . . even if you
disagree, forward it on.
And Men, . . . forward this on this because you have balls.
Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, Orry on holiday from Germany walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad German accent asked 'What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, Orry said, 'You're doing well ....
Only two left!'
Englishmen - bless 'em - shouldn't mess with Germans!!
Worst food in America
Eww that ain't food!
Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing
2,900 calories
182 g fat 240 g carbs
Even if you split this "starter" with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before your entree arrives. Follow this up with a steak, sides, and a dessert and you could easily break the 3,500 calorie barrier.
Mariah Carey - Touch My Body
Load of poo. I have a headache already. Someone shut this bitch up already!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I' m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account , and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!!
Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it into another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks'
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it into another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put her in the White House, and very soon half of our entire country will be out looking for work.'
Fuck Valentine's Day
Celebrate St. Skeletor's Day!
St. Skeletor’s Day is a non-commercial alternative to the corporate whorefest that is St Valentine’s Day. Each year, on February 15th, the festival of St. Skeletor occurs worldwide. The purposes are:-
- a) The destruction of ‘lurrve’
- b) The destruction of saucy greetings cards
- c) The destruction of people with boyfriends/girlfriends
St Valentine of course is the patron saint of making single people feel like crap — each year, the celebration drifts further away from the celebration of love, and further towards the celebration of fluffy handcuffs, expensive flowers, thoughtless greetings cards and other tat shaped into heart shaped packaging, putting pressure on people in relationships to partake of their hard earned cash and actually buy this crap.
Worse still, many companies now send Valentine’s cards to their customers, further polluting the concept of love.
I'm going to run into romantically-lit restaurants and throw flyers covered with divorce statistics at any tables for two.
HAIRY hunks are the biggest turn on for British women as they age.
Six in 10 aged over 45 say they find a fella with body hair attractive against just 24 per cent of under 25s.
And a hairy man's appeal increases the further north you go, reveals a survey.
The hairiest hot spot is Scotland with 47 per cent followed by the North on 38 per cent.
In the South it is 35 per cent, Midlands and Wales 33 per cent and London 25 per cent.
Right.....I know where I'm going on holiday this summer. Scotland, of course!Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Awww let this pug lick your screen.
Crazy Japanese adverts
In the first vid a blank eyed, spasmodic humanoid dog encourages a small child to eat some sort of crisp-type snack by performing a bizarre dance and inappropriately fondling the boy.
It's in the second advert that the full horror is unleashed, as the imagery takes on a darker tone. The child is heartbroken; the dog makes use of a giant, disembodied ear; a doll's head waggles back and forth like a zombie; the dog's face reappears on its groin as it makes a series of obscene thrusting motions. Nice.
Sex it up for Jesus!
A cosmetics range with cheeky taglines that extol the virtues of "Looking Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores after complaints from Catholics that they were disrespectful, it was claimed.
The products are made by American makeup company Blue Q and they were sold in three Topshop outlets in Singapore.
The range includes a "virtuous vanilla" lip balm, hand and body cream and a mirrored Jesus statuette. They feature a drawing of Jesus flanked by two adoring women and carry slogans such as "Get tight with Christ", "Get His Attention" and "Redeem Your Reputation and More".
Blue Q also carries other tongue-in-cheek items such as a "Believe in God Breath Spray".
Wing Tai Holdings, which manages the Topshop brand in the city-state, pulled the items off its shelves late last month after some customers complained, according to the Straits Times newspaper.
A company spokesman told the paper: "We don't want to offend our customers."
Nick Chui, 27, a Catholic, spotted the items in a Topshop outlet and then wrote a letter to Wing Tai last month saying that the products trivialised Jesus Christ and Christianity.
He said: "There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products."
World's smallest bodybuilder
They say that 'a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.' If that's the case, then nobody could be more embiggened than Aditya 'Romeo' Dev - the world's smallest bodybuilder.
Dev, 19, who is excellent, stands just 33 inches tall - but weighs an impressive 9.25kg (just under 1.5 stone), and has a chest measurement of 20 inches. 'Romeo' trains at the Leo Health Club in Phagwara, India, where his trainer is club owner Ranjit Pal (also known as 'Mr Punjab'). Pal is reputed to be the fastest skipper in India, which is a fairly brilliant claim in itself.
A device which disperses young people by emitting a high-pitched sound which only they can hear, should be banned according to human rights campaigners.
The gadget, known as the Mosquito, exploits the fact that people's ability to hear very high frequencies declines in their 20s.
Now the The Children's Commissioner for England is set to call for a ban.
PAH! Where can I get one of these devices? Excuse the pun but they sound great! I'd make full use of it when faced with little brats on the train, in the park....anywhere really. lol
Amazing pic of the day
The 130 foot tall statue which is located on the peak of the Corcovado Mountain, was stuck by lightening during a storm in the Brazilian city displaying this divinely electric image.
Named one of the modern Wonders of the World in 2007, the statue which is the largest one of Christ and can be seen for miles appeared unscathed from the miraculous bolt.
A sex-starved woman could be jailed after making 700 calls to the emergency services, local army headquarters and the town council demanding a man for sex.
Hanna Wozniak, 42, from Koszalin in central Poland could be jailed for up to a year. After police traced the calls back to her home, she told them: “I was desperate for sex. It’s been so long since I had someone in my bed.”
Police who said she had been charged with wasting emergency services’ time and making threatening phone calls said she had told phone operators that she would happily start a fire if it meant a hunky fireman would come round for sex afterwards.
A police spokesman said: “This kind of behaviour is extremely irresponsible.”
Poo pizza "not quite right"
Two pizza takeaway owners have been fined £1,500 each for serving up chocolate cake sprinkled with human shit.
A customer sent his 99p portion for analysis after finding the taste and smell “not quite right”.
Saeed Hasmi, 25, and Jan Yadgari, 23, admitted selling unfit food in Roath, Cardiff.
They refused to say how the cake was contaminated.
Their Italiano Pizzeria now has a new owner, the city’s JPs were told.
TSK! Sorry bitches. I'm so busy at work at the moment I haven't got much time to post anything during the day. I'll have to wait until I get home. Grrrr!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Grim
A hearse overturned when the horses pulling it to a south London cemetery stampeded, dragging the carriage and coffin past appalled relatives and sending floral tributes flying.
"It was dreadful," a mourner told the South London Press. "The horses dragged the carriage to the cemetery on its side, tossing the coffin all over the place and destroying all the flowers inside.
"Some people got very angry and had to be restrained by other mourners... It is understandable given the circumstances. I'm horrified that something like this could happen."
Police were called to calm angry mourners so that the funeral last month could go ahead.
The carriage appeared to have clipped a mini-roundabout as it entered Lambeth Cemetery for the funeral, the local council which administers the graveyard said Friday.
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and as ks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I
don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Aretha Franklin, looking gorgeous as ever at the Grammys. Bitch needs to cut down on her portions of yams and KFC Popcorn Chicken! You just know her blood pressure is off the chart, 'cause no bra would be supportive enough to contain her boobies.
She could slap my ass with those bingo wings and I'd only beg for more!
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? Whose bed??? Who the hell are you???
About this hoohaa about the Archbishop of Canterbury who sparked a major row with a speech in which he said some form of Sharia law for Muslims in Britain seemed unavoidable is starting to grate on me!
When the typical, ignorant Brit thinks of Sharia, they automatically think of stoning! Do they really think there'll ever be a situation in which Brits will be stoned or flogged in public as punishment for showing a bit of ankle or touching hands? Of course, the Daily Mail and The Sun crowd are up in arms, proclaiming: "if they want Sharia law, they sbould go back to an Islamic country. If they wish to remain in the UK, they should obey English law." It's not that Muslims are refusing to obey English law, but that Sharia law provides a second level of judicial process that takes place after the British judicial process has been exhausted. The accused and the witnesses all consent to taking part in this process and specifically, the accused consents to whatever punishment the "court" deems necessary if he is found guilty. I can't see the problem at all. Let them get on with it! We already have banks accomodating principles of Sharia, with the introduction of Islamic finance products. How does that infringe or diminish the rights of Brits eh?
A second MP has waded into the controversial debate over increased birth defects in British Muslims as a result of inbreeding and claims parts of the Pakistani community are in "denial".
Labour's Ann Cryer, who represents Keighley in West Yorkshire, called for community leaders to encourage talks that she believed would move more families away from marriages between cousins.
Her call for debate followed comments from Environment Minister Phil Woolas who said there was a "duty" to raise the issue, which was not being addressed.
I don't want to be judgemental, but this is sick and wrong! lol Shame on you inbreds!
My lodger is Pakistani and his parents are planning on getting him hitched to his uncle's daughter! Eww! Their baby is bound to end up being a cyclops!
THIS IS SO EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
A rocker hit a bum note with his audience when a sick stunt sparked a near riot.
Halfway through the gig Mark Wardlaw, singer with punk band Pills From America, stuck his finger up his ass then wiped it on the face of a shocked fan in the crowd.
The angry man jumped on stage and punched the rocker, sparking a free-for-all in the Cumberland Arms pub in Newcastle.
Police were called and band member Mark Pennington, 24, was arrested for disorderly conduct.
Customers had paid £4 to attend the Tripswitches event, which mixes music and performance art. An audience member said: 'I walked in as it happened. He got on the stage, put his finger in the back of his underpants, then wiped his shitty finger on a man's face.
'The bloke it happened to got up and properly lamped him.'
Promoter Alan Edge, who booked the band – whose motto is 'Retard Y'Self' – said: 'I've been promoting for 15 years and nothing like this has ever happened.'
Wardlaw defended his actions as 'entertainment', saying: 'We're a punk band. Everything we do is improvised.
'We've done sex acts on stage and I've eaten lightbulbs.'
A Cumberland Arms spokesman said: 'We were disgusted.'
The nation's favourite chat up line has finally been revealed as "You are like a compass, without you I am lost."
Did it work? Corny as it may be the come-on is included in a new survey which has uncovered the top six best and worst pick-up lines.
Those who huddle nervously in the corner while eyeing up someone they fancy may also want to try this one: "Are you a parking ticket coz you got fine written all over you?"
Equally, the immortal line: "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!", may also hold you in good stead.
However, with Valentines Day just around the corner, you may want to avoid siding up to someone on the dance floor and muttering: "Here's 20p, ring your Mum and tell her you won't be home tonight."
The crass comment has been unveiled as the worst chat-up line just ahead of the presumptious "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Budding Lotharios are also warned that blurting out: "If you were a burger you'd be a McGorgeous" is more likely to send the other person running for the exit rather than into your arms.
The survey was commissioned by social network Talk2Reg who asked 600 flirty 17 to 40-year-olds their favourite pick-up lines.
THE TOP SIX BEST CHAT-LINES
1. You are like a compass, without you I am lost.
2. Are you a parking ticket coz you got fine written all over you?
3. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
4. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again.
5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock!
6. Are those space pants your wearing coz your ass is out of this world?
THE TOP SIX WORST CHAT-UP LINES
1. Here's 20p, ring your Mum and tell her you won't be home tonight.
2. How do you like your eggs in the morning?
3. I like your dress it would look great on my bedroom floor.
4. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
5. Your dad must have been a thief, coz he stole the stars and put them in your eyes!
6. If you were a burger you'd be a McGorgeous.
Vigorous lawyer
A lawyer has been charged with assault after she allegedly shook a prosecutor's hand so hard it 'nearly ripped out of its socket'.
Kathy Brewer Rentas made her move moments after assistant US attorney Jennifer Keene successfully prosecuted Ms Rentas' husband.
Anthony Rentas was accused of violating the terms of a probation order for supplying cocaine and sentenced to 90 days of house arrest.
After the hearing, Brewer Rentas, 49, insisted on shaking the prosecutor's hand – and nearly threw her to the floor.
'With Keene in hand, Brewer made an upward then a quick downward motion and pulled Keene toward the ground, almost causing Keene to fall to the ground,' said a security officer for the court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
The US Attorney's Office said assaulting a federal officer was a serious matter and Brewer Rentas would be prosecuted 'vigorously'. 'As a member of the bar, she should know better,' it added.
Brewer Rentas, who says she did not intend to cause any harm, was released from jail on £50,000 bail after spending a night in solitary confinement. She was ordered to have psychological tests to determine whether she needed counselling. If found guilty, she faces a year in jail.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Aretha needs to eat less Southern-fried chicken
Areeeeetha Franklin, ya boobalicious momma! lol
Do you think she'd mind if I just rested my head on her mountainous terrain? She could smother me with those milk-I mean- yoghurt-filled pillows anyday. May as well die happy and choking, innit?
Maybe they're a little more than just sisters...
Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia has never much cared for the twinset-and-pearls image of an MP's consort - but this pose is risque by even her raunchy standards.
The fiancee of Liberal Democrat frontbencher Lembit Opik and her identical twin sister Monica posed with just fig leaves to protect their modesty to promote Club4Climate.
The group aims to use glamorous parties to spread the word about climate change. PAH! What a gimmick. Like anyone is gonna be thinking of gas emissions when looking at these lesbos, or when they're guzzling Dom Perignon at fabulous parties.
Mr Rude, Farting Frenchy
Producers of the revamped Mr Men television series have risked upsetting our friends across the Channel by making new character Mr Rude a Frenchman who invites children to pull his finger - and then farts.
The show's makers, Chorion, claim it is not meant to cause offence but that the English view of the French lacking a little politeness is well known.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
A man shared his filthy flat with a corpse for 20 years!
Alan Derek, 68, kept the body of his pal hidden under an upturned sofa.
Neighbours complained for years about the stench coming from the flat.
The body was only discovered when council cleaners finally went in and found the remains stuck to the settee. Eww!
Neighbour Reggie Askins, 76, said: "The guy was struggling to find somewhere to live and Alan offered him a place to sleep. But they came home one night and the other guy died.
"Alan was scared to tell anyone. He knew he shouldn’t have had a lodger — he hadn’t told the council and was worried they’d stop his Giro. So he just turned the sofa over and forgot about him.
"He told me, ‘I can’t believe it. I just forgot he was there’." lol crazy ass.
For those into British military lads
RAF Top Guns act like Queens of the desert in a spoof music video – wearing just their panties.
The foursome sang the camp band’s hit ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ in blazing Qatar.
They stripped off to act out the 1979 classic, sung by Freddie Mercury, feet from a jet’s afterburners, in showers and sat on toilets.
Colleagues from II (AC) Squadron were the audience.
An RAF spokesman said: “The video raised morale.”
LOL! The guy on the right got the faggy look just right!
Friday, February 08, 2008
Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.
Then again, I could be wrong . . . . .
For all my 'intellectual friends'
Computer Challenge
Now here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
try this!
So you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are .
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN:
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqdjggs
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffk
mqielgqffffffffffffffffffffffff
dsldmfqsfqssfdbvnlklfvnozeeeeee
SEE THE ANSWER BELOW!
Are the residents called Fuckers?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?
Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?
If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.
Unidentified Body Found
The Highway Patrol today found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick.
I was just checking to make sure that all you guys in my e-mail group are okay.
Hi. Well, the interview went very well indeed. I was interviewed by two grannies. They were so nice and smiley. One of their questions was: "what could you bring to the team" and I said: "a bit of humour". Note to self: think before you speak! The highlight of the day was when one of the ladies almost got jammed in a revolving door. I couldn't stop laughing!
Jesse Metcalfe gets beats!
The cute gardener from Desperate Housewives got his ass thoroughly kicked. I was hoping for a good verbal bitch fight but all he could mutter was "what the [beep]?" over and over. Boring!
A 48-year-old company director was given a three-year community order today for flashing at two teenage girls while dressed in women's clothes and for secretly recording a woman using his bathroom.
Michael Willshire was caught after he flashed the girls, aged 16 and 17, while masturbating in an alleyway in Swanage, Dorset, in August 2006.
Prosecuting counsel Mark Ashley told Bournemouth Crown Court: "They immediately became aware of Mr Willshire.
They noticed him because he was wearing women's clothing, a white skirt, short sleeved top, white dancing shoes, a blonde wig and he was carrying a shoulder bag. They noticed he was wearing a suspender belt because his skirt was hitched up."
One of the girls rang her father who was close by that evening.
He caught Willshire running to his Audi car, by now wearing a hooded top and tracksuit bottoms, but still no underwear, with his wig inside his handbag.
The father detained Willshire until police arrived to arrest him on August 19. Police searched Willshire's home in Swanage the next day and found three ladies' wigs, a handbag, false breasts, other items of ladies' clothing, and video cassettes that were kept in a safe.
A bundle of women's underwear was also found at the father-of-one's home which were later discovered to have been stolen.
The videos showed recordings of a naked woman he had secretly filmed using his bathroom and later watched for sexual pleasure.
Willshire, who is managing director of aluminium products firm Alform Extrusions in Holton Heath Trading Park, Dorset, earlier admitted a count of exposure, voyeurism and theft.
Judge Roger Jarvis ordered three more counts of exposure to lie on file, during today's hearing at Bournemouth Crown Court.
Mr Jarvis made a three year community order with a supervision requirement.
He told Willshire he will have to attend the Thames Valley Sex Offender Group Work Programme until he has developed strategies to prevent further offending.
Mr Jarvis also placed Willshire on the sex offenders register for five years.
Mr Jarvis said: "What happened was by any reckoning a bizarre episode.
"It must have caused a great deal of anguish, distress and probably fright to the two young women who were involved in the incident of exposure."
Speaking about the video tapes, Mr Jarvis added: "The court has considered the effect the voyeurism act has had on that incident's victim as well as how deeply shocking the discovery of this was.
"The court would be quite justified in punishing you by taking away your liberty today.
"You should have known better than to behave in the way that you did and I'm sure that you do know to behave better than the way in which you did."
The court heard the victim of voyeurism was a friend with whom he wanted to have a relationship and that he stole her dirty underwear and cuddled them in bed at night. GROSS!
A flasher faces jail for exposing himself in the vegetable aisle of Tesco.
Genital-waggler Richard Stofer got out his meat and two veg at the supermarket in Eastbourne, East Sussex.
Stofer, who used to work at the store as a delivery driver, wondered around Tesco with his rude dangly bits alfresco in front of stunned former colleagues, who immediately called the police.
He had already given an anti-social behaviour order banning him from flashing after a string of similar incidents - and was charged with breaching the Asbo.
He denied the charges but changed his plea on Thursday, on the eve of a trial at Hove Crown Court. Stofer's lawyer Julia Smart told the court he had unintentionally exposed himself due to the design of his underwear.
The hearing was told Stofer was slapped with a five-year Asbo in May 2005 banning him from exposing himself in public.
The judge bailed Stofer ahead of sentencing next month. He has been warned he faces jail.
A Tesco shelfstacker who worked with Stofer said after the hearing: 'He was always a bit weird. None of the women at the shop liked him - they said he was a total creep. We all thought we had seen the back of him when he left a while ago.'
Of course, it was seeing the front of him that caused most of the problems.
A teacher in Sweden has been fined for flashing her breasts at a male pupil. She was convicted of sexual harassment after exposing her breasts to the boy in retaliation for the boy covering the blackboard with swear words and sexual drawings.
The 47-year-old teacher claimed that there was nothing sexual about her breast-flashing, and that it was merely a response to the boy's rude scribblings.
According to The Local, she claimed: 'I just snapped. I was trying to get him to stop writing and drawing filth on the blackboard.'
Although convicted of the boob incident, the teacher was cleared of charges that she also groped two other boys on their buttocks and genitals, after the court found the boys' testimony unreliable.
The teacher was fined the equivalent sixty days wages, after the court took into consideration the fact that she had lost her job. She was also ordered to pay the boy £395 (5,000 kronor) in damages, for the trauma of seeing some boobies.
Hey sluts. Sorry, but I'm not going to be able to add any posts until this evening as I've got a job interview this afternoon- in saaaaarf London. Oh no. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it went and whether I made a complete arse of myself.
Here, listen to some music. This is one of my favourite George Michael songs: Heal the Pain.
Right, I'm off to scrub my butt. Tata!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Happy Chinese New Year!
To get into the spirit of things, I'm going to dress up like a dragon and eat some noodles.
Hungarian lawyer hungry for tit
A Hungarian lawyer is facing court action after he bit a female colleague's breast at a civic dinner.
Laszlo Papp, 32, head lawyer for the Mayor's Office in Gyor, reportedly told attractive Imola Kovac, 26: "I don't fancy my chicken breast - I think I'll try yours instead."
The mayor described his lawyer's actions as a joke but Kovac did not see the funny side and has now launched legal action against him for sexual assault.
She said: "I am taking legal action because I do not think biting a colleague's breasts is appropriate behaviour for a civil servant."
An Austrian army officer called Gregor went on holiday - and came back as a woman called Jasmin. Whore!
The 46-year-old captain took three months' leave after complaining of stress, and had a sex change operation before returning to barracks in Gratkorn.
Other officers and soldiers were reportedly shocked when Jasmin, whose full name has not been revealed by the army, came back.
But senior army staff have decided Jasmin can keep her old job and will not be demoted.
Defence Ministry officials have also accepted the decision by Jasmin, who has two children, to have a sex change.
Ute Axmann, press spokesperson for the Austrian defence ministry, said: "We accept this very personal decision."
A soldier at the barracks told Austrian media: "Everybody has a weird feeling about it: a colleague leaving the building as a man and returning as a woman after his holiday is more than a bit strange. We will have to wait and see if this leads to problems."
A man who robbed a woman of her keys and cell phone, then licked her toes, was sentenced to five years' probation.
Carlton Jermaine Davis, 26, faces 21 months in prison if he fails to complete probation for the robbery charge in Ramsey County District Court in Minnesota. He was sentenced on Wednesday.
According to a criminal complaint, Davis approached the woman around 1 a.m. on September 9 as she was leaving work and forced her to put her phone and purse inside a bag.
Then he told her, 'Now I'm going to suck your feet.'
It was at that point that he licked her toes.
Taking advantage of the fact that Davis wasted quite a lot of time on the foot-sucking thing - instead of running away after his crime like a normal mugger - police arrested himea few minutes later about four blocks away.
Fat guy smooshes his wife to death
An overweight man was jailed for five years after he killed his wife by sitting on her during a domestic dispute.
The 20-stone (128kg) man 'sat on his wife's chest for at least two minutes and broke her ribs in 18 places', said Jan-Michael Seidel, a spokesman for the court in the northern town of Hildesheim.
'It was quite deliberate.'
The woman, who was half her husband's weight, died from her injuries less than a month later.
The 50-year-old man, from Germany, was charged with grievous bodily harm leading to death.
He told the court he had accidentally fallen on his wife after trying to drag her into another room during the fight. However, forensic evidence showed that this was untrue.
Crazy pic of the day!
The crazy Chinese are at it again. Animal welfare isn't quite high on their list of priorities...
The huge male lion clings on to the terrified horse – but this big cat is not about to devour his prey. Keepers in China are training lions and tigers to ride on horseback for tourists.
In one the nation's most notorious zoos, spectators are treated to a bizarre display as the lion leaps on to the horse's back.
Then it rides around the ring while a trainer with a whip keeps it moving. A tiger then jumps up on to the same horse.
The pictures are from a zoo in Xiamen in Fujian, South-East China. They come after bears were shown riding bikes during an 'Animal Games' in another zoo.
At the Xiogsen Bear and Tiger Mountain Village in Guilin, live animals are fed to tigers as a show for tourists.
Bears have also been made to pull cars in races against humans in Jinan.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said: "I have a praise.
Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued:"Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.
They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued:"Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said: "Good morning. I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."
The law of the urinal is something that is hardwired into almost every man – hard and fast rules of lavatory positioning that cannot be breached, no matter how urgent the situation.
However, not many would agree that breaking the urinal rules is a punchable offence. But that's exactly what happened in a New Zealand toilet, as a man pleaded guilty to assaulting another man who stood too near him in the lavatory of a Christchurch bar.
According to prosecutors, Edward Trevor Aldridge, 47, punched his victim twice after he had used the urinal next to Aldridge, in the Rock Pool on December 16.
Aldridge accused his victim of looking at him.
Speaking in his defence, counsel Liz Bulger said: 'This incident arose from what I understand to be urinal etiquette.'
'When [the victim] spoke to the defendant he was effectively smirking. The defendant was outraged.'
Sentencing Aldridge to 50 hours of community service, Judge Raoul Neave said: 'This is exactly the sort of behaviour that makes people afraid to go to town.'
The Admiral cinema in Vienna has been struggling against competition from new multiplex cinemas which have been built nearby.
So cinema bosses have started a monthly Doggy Day in a bid to offer something different from their brash modern rivals.
Visitors pay £4 for a ticket while their pet pooch can go in for free and are given a blanket to snuggle up on in their seats, as well as water and popcorn.
A spokesman said: "The only thing different from a normal movie showing is that, on the insistence of local veterinary authorities, the volume levels for the films are turned down a bit so as not to hurt the animals' ears."
Thomas Feldinger, 24, who has already attended one of the doggy days with his pet Labrador Hanjo, said: "It's a great idea. Hanjo loved it in there and so did all the other dogs.
"I thought they might all make a noise and bark through the films but once the film started going they all settled down in their blankets and watched quietly." Creepy!
What does a black man's willy smell like?
For some, it was nothing more than a piece of Carry On-style humour.
But for others, it was deeply offensive racial stereotyping.
Yesterday the BBC apologised after a debate about a plant known as a "black man's willy" was broadcast on Gardeners' Question Time.
A caller to the Radio 4 show asked for advice on the Rhodochiton volubilis, which he said was "commonly known as the BMW, the black man's willy".
Panellists were heard giggling their way through a discussion about the plant. Gardening author Bob Flowerdew admitted he had "only ever seen one close up - and not that colour".
Horticulturalist Anne Swithinbank added: "I've never seen one in my life. They don't really like the cold, as you can imagine. They shrivel up and look very unhappy."
But some listeners failed to see the funny side, complaining of racist stereotyping and vulgarity by the broadcaster.
Aww poor kitty!
Monty the cat is probably one or two lives short of his full complement after his owner drove off with him clinging to the underside of his car.
The determined pet held on for more than 48km (30miles) before being thrown off at 60mph as John Cotgrave drove on to the M60 motorway in Manchester.
As Monty tumbled across the busy road, his owner watched the episode unfold in his rear-view mirror.
Mr Cotgrave said: 'As I started to increase my speed, I could feel bumps underneath the car and was shocked to see little Monty in the middle of the road. Seeing him bounce and roll is an image I will never forget. My whole life froze – I really thought we would lose him.'
The plucky feline, who had fallen asleep inside the car's rear bumper, managed to escape with a few minor cuts, a black eye and some missing teeth.
Pissheads charged with "disturbing a dolphin"
Two drunken pranksters tried to hitch a lift home from a pub on the back of a dolphin, a court heard.
Friends Michael Jukes and Daniel Buck ignored signs about bothering the bottlenose which had been swimming near the shore at Folkestone, Kent, and grabbed its dorsal fin and tail, magistrates were told.
The pair, the first people in Britain to be charged with interfering with a dolphin, later allegedly told police that they messed about with the mammal nicknamed Dave by local residents as it was cheaper than an exotic 'swimming with the dolphins' holiday.
Jukes and Buck, both 26, said the dolphin was playful. Jukes added: 'He was happy to have people there. People travel thousands of miles to do that in Florida, so I took advantage while it was there.
'I grabbed his fin, but he didn't seem up for pulling us along. I said: “Give him some space. Don't upset him.” The dolphin came to us. It's a powerful creature.
He could have gone any time if he had wanted to.'
Buck and Dukes, both of Folkestone, deny recklessly or intentionally disturbing a dolphin.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
It's the eternal nightmare of buying lingerie for girlfriends – go too big and you're saying she's a fat ass. Buy too small she then feels like a fat ass.
You know what size she is to look at but have no idea what number that relates to and obviously you can't ask her as that would spoil the Valentine's Day surprise.
Now a website has come along with actual moving live models to help men and women shop for women's underwear.
You simply pick the model of the size of the woman in your life (as long as she's not bigger than mildly plump), then pick the smalls you want to see her in and your wish is the mini model's command.
In order to see what the knickers are going to look like as your lady wanders around simply ask the model to come forward or turn around and she does a little catwalk for you.
A postal worker delivered a surprise to an elderly grandmother, exposing his raging hard-on while handing over her mail.
A court in Australia heard that Raymond Toa Vaele, 46, had been delivering a parcel to the woman when she invited him inside to put it down.
As he handed her a clipboard to sign for the item, the woman noticed Vaele's erect penis poking 10cm (!!) out of his shorts.
"He does admit that the shorts he was wearing were too short to be inside the house," Crown prosecutor Amanda Meisenhelter said of Vaele, who pleaded guilty to one count of doing an indecent act.
Vaele, a father of four who worked as a sub contractor for the Australian Postal service, was sentenced to three years' probation over the October 23, 2006 incident inside the 62 year-old woman's Brisbane home.
More Thoughts
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
We know exactly where one cow with Foot and Mouth disease is located among the millions of cows in Britain, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow'.
Things To Say At Work When You're Stressed
"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you"
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a people person?"
"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"
"Why don't you try practising random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"
"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Pancake Recipe
Ingredients
4 oz (110 g) plain flour
pinch of salt
2 large eggs
7 fl oz (200 ml) milk mixed with 3 fl oz (75 ml) water
2 oz (50 g) butter
To serve:
caster sugar, lemon juice and lemon wedges
First of all sift the flour and salt into a large mixing bowl with the sieve held high above the bowl so the flour gets an airing. Now make a well in the centre of the flour and break the eggs into it. Then begin whisking the eggs – any sort of whisk or even a fork will do – incorporating any bits of flour from around the edge of the bowl as you do so.
Next, gradually add small quantities of the milk and water mixture, still whisking (don't worry about any lumps as they will eventually disappear as you whisk). When all the liquid has been added, use a rubber spatula to scrape any elusive bits of flour from around the edge into the centre, then whisk once more until the batter is smooth, with the consistency of thin cream. Now melt the butter in the pan. Spoon 2 tablespoons of it into the batter and whisk it in, then pour the rest into a bowl and use it when needed to lubricate the pan, using a wodge of kitchen paper to smear it around.
Now get the pan really hot, then turn the heat down to medium and, to start with, do a test pancake to see if you're using the correct amount of batter. I find 2 tablespoons about right for a 7 inch (18 cm) pan and 3 tablespoons for an 8 inch (20 cm) pan. It's also helpful if you spoon the batter into a ladle so it can be poured into the hot pan in one go. As soon as the batter hits the hot pan, tip it around from side to side to get the base evenly coated with batter. It should take only half a minute or so to cook; you can lift the edge with a palette knife to see if it's tinged gold as it should be. Flip the pancake over with a pan slice or palette knife – the other side will need a few seconds only – then simply slide it out of the pan on to a plate.
Stack the pancakes as you make them between sheets of greaseproof paper on a plate fitted over simmering water, to keep them warm while you make the rest.
To serve, sprinkle each pancake with freshly squeezed lemon juice and caster sugar, fold in half, then in half again to form triangles, or else simply roll them up. Serve sprinkled with a little more sugar and lemon juice and extra sections of lemon.
Recipe courtesy of the woman who taught the nation how to make toast- Delia Smith.
He has been dubbed Britain's biggest sexaholic - and now Russell Brand is being paid to do what he does best!
These raunchy pictures from his new film 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' show that Brand has put all his bedroom experience into practice.
He plays tragically hip British-rocker Aldous Snow who beds the ex girlfriend of the film's main character, love sick musician Peter Bretter.
Tortoises are struggling to hibernate because the mild winter caused by global warming is tricking them into thinking them should be up and about.
Experts have an unusual solution to the problem – put your tortoise in a fridge to fool it into a deep sleep until the spring.
Mind you, the reptiles cannot just be placed in a fridge between a block of Gorgonzola and a plate of mouldy egg-fwied wice.
The animals should be put into fridges with the temperature between 4ºC (39ºF) and 6ºC (49ºF) from mid-November, the Tortoise Trust advises.
Gunther von Hagens, whose touring Body Worlds exhibition has been seen by more than 20 million visitors, is planning to sell 150,000 body parts privately.
A collection of 16 transparent horizontal slices of a human (head, neck, torso, extremities) Standard quality (fragile): €1,400, [£1050]” says the price list. “Robust quality (unbreakable): €2,800. [£2100]”
Dr von Hagens says that he will not sell the body parts if it damages the dignity of the corpse. “That means forbidding the use of the body sections as, for example, placemats for cocktail glasses,” he says, “and if the owner wants to get rid of the body bits he will be required to cremate them and not simply throw them in the bin.”
The doctor calculates that pet owners are a particularly promising market. “The little dog can then hang as a transparent slice on the wall and look at his master for all eternity, “ he says. Cost of a sliced lapdog: €460.
Pic of the day....whooooopeeeee!
This is the dramatic moment when a baby was thrown from a third-floor window of a burning building.
The child, who has not been named, was caught safely by a police officer as terrified relatives looked on.Javine bares all
Arghhhhh why the fuck do these pregnant bitches think it's appropriate to show their bodies in all their natural-hideousness. No one wants to see your distended bellies, fat asses, milk-filled droopy tits. Tsk!
She "jokes": “I’ve put on 3st. My bum’s got really big – it has its own personality." Yeah, you got that right- the personality of someone who just can't say no, such as Rick Waller (pictured below).
Cool
This is the revolutionary airliner that could fly trippers from Britain to Australia in just 4½ HOURS.
Billed as Concorde’s much bigger and faster successor, the plane’s hi-tech liquid hydrogen engines will propel it to 3,400mph — five times the speed of sound.
That means travellers could have day-return trips to Oz.
The aircraft, code-named A2, is still on the drawing board.
An Army officer was captured with his privates on parade by CCTV cameras outside a pub, a court heard yesterday.
Captain Andrew McLauchlan, 44, was arrested when he was caught pleasuring himself in the early hours following a night’s boozing.
But he walked free after magistrates decided there was insufficient evidence that his tackle or his actions had caused alarm or distress.
He was caught on CCTV with his trousers down on The Golden Mile in Blackpool, Lancs.
McLauchlan is said to have told cops after seeing the film: “Utter madness.”
He allegedly added: “I believe I was with a girl.
“She got out my penis and started performing a sex act. She then told me to finish myself off.”
WPC Gillian Leech told the court: “McLauchlan was drunk and kept breaking wind in front of me.
“I asked him to stop several times. He told me he was hungry.
“He did not seem bothered until I got out my handcuffs and I said I was going to arrest him. He started to run.”
An Army source said: “We will look at disciplinary issues. He will face some form of action.”
Some salacious news from a popular tabloid
A doctor had sex with a patient on a consulting room couch after she flashed her boobs.
The 34-year-old woman went to see Dr Michael Moore, 62, about a hip problem — then asked him to look at her chest.
She lifted her skimpy top to reveal she had no bra on — and he thought, “She isn’t half coming on strong, this one”, a General Medical Council hearing in Manchester was told.
Earlier, the unnamed woman — who had been treated by married Moore before — told him she had dreamed about him and he was “flattered”.
GMC solicitor Bernadette Baxter said: “She said, ‘I fantasise because my husband won’t have sex with me . . . he doesn’t fancy me.
“The doctor said, ‘If I was your husband I wouldn’t go off sex with you’.”
He claimed the patient, who was wearing cargo pants and a midriff-revealing top, used her legs to grip his thighs as he examined her.
In a statement, Moore said: “It did excite me. I thought, ‘Blimey, she’s a flirty piece, this one’.”
Then, the woman, an asthmatic, complained of wheezing and asked for a chest exam.
Ms Baxter said: “The doctor did examine her chest with his stethoscope.
“The patient lifted her top and revealed she had no bra.”
She stood up and they began kissing and a sex act was performed before they had full sex on the couch.
Moore was working as a locum at Lower Broughton medical centre, Salford, Gtr Manchester, in March 2006.
A rape inquiry was closed after the patient retracted her complaint.
Moore, not at yesterday’s hearing, admits misconduct.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Ever wondered what your doctor or psychiatrist is writing about you when they're scribbling in their notepad? Or what some of their so-called medical jargon means?
Well, a sneak insight into the secret communication between doctors and their medical staff has revealed a code of slang, enough to send patients' temperatures soaring.
When you're complaining about the pain in your neck, your seemingly interested doctor may be scribbling letters such as PAFO, TFTB, GLM, TUBE in order to decipher your symptoms. Or so you would think.
But these letters don't necessarily represent medical terms, they're simply shorthand for Pissed and Fell Over!, Too Fat to Breathe, Good Looking Mum and Totally Unnecessary Breast Exam.
This was not the only discovery by The Guardian report, as a group of doctors also revealed pseudonyms in their everyday medical diction.
For example, The Freud Squad describes the psychiatry department. Code Brown is used for faecal incontinence emergency and a Foreverectomy is a surgical procedure that lasts for a long time. Words to describe their profession include a Slasher which is a Surgeon, a Knuckledragger, this being an Orthopaedist or a Rear Admiral used to describe a Procologist.
So the next time you' re in your surgery look out for the shorthand and hope you don't spot a ATFO (Asked to Fuck Off).
Crazy runway
It's not every day you nearly get a haircut by a passing aeroplane - but on St Barts things are a little different.
Although the clearance is supposed to be 20ft, scooter riders and a man sitting in a car instinctively duck as a plane flies overhead. Pilots need a special licence to land at the small landing strip on the island of Saint-Barthélemy, or St Barts, in the French West Indies.
Despite the apparent dangers, there have been only two fatal accidents at the airport over the years.
At 2,133ft, the runway is one of the shortest in the world -- equivalent in length to five football pitches.
Poor immigrants. They are set to be given welcome packs on how to behave in the UK — urging them not to spit or grope women. Do they really just pinch women's boobies on the spur of the moment?
The packs will outline social rules and common values such as respect for the law.
They will teach immigrants how to queue in shops and urge them not to spread litter or “touch people without permission”.
Plans for the packs were unveiled by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears.
Builders came within inches of being killed by a block of frozen piss from a passing jet.
The football-sized yellow missile smashed through the roof of a car port they were working on.
Builder Richard Grauslys, 31, said: “It was frightening – I’ve never seen anything like it.”
The Civil Aviation Authority said the incident in North Stifford, Essex, was probably down to a leak in a jet’s loo, which happens around 35 times a year.
OMG. I got 244 hits yesterday! Thank you! Although quite a lot of you have been ogling the Four Girls Finger Paint vid. You sick fucks! Shame on you! lol
Paula Abdul's pre-taped performance for the Superbowl
I never understand why lip-synchers continue to wear those headset microphones. Who are they kidding? Still, I love the song! Go '80s Paula!
Pre-nups for bridesmaids: "You shall not get a fat ass before the wedding"
Bridesmaids may soon be forced to sign contracts agreeing not to put on weight or get pregnant before the wedding.
One in five brides-to-be is so concerned that her bridesmaids might let her down that she would ask them to sign a "pre-nuptial agreement", according to a new poll.
And nearly half said they would sack a bridesmaid who failed to stick to the rules.
The survey of 1,000 women, commissioned by You & Your Wedding magazine, asked women which clauses they would put in their contract.
It found that respondents' biggest gripes were with bridesmaids who put on weight, became pregnant or changed their hairstyles before the big day.
Suggested clauses included one saying bridesmaids should not consume more than 10 units of alcohol or make advances towards "inappropriate male guests" - or the groom.
Many women who had already married reported stories of their bridesmaids letting them down on their big day.
One woman said her maid-of-honour left her dress at a service station on the way to the wedding after deciding she didn't like it, while another revealed a bridesmaid had left 30 invitations unsent in her desk drawer. I love these lazy bitches!
BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes' apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No .
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
Collectors are expected to bid up to £3,000 on eBay for an unusual antique – an anti-wanking device.
The rare copper item was used in 19th-century Catholic France.
It was designed to enclose the genitalia to make sure boys did not commit the 'sin' of masturbation.
A Malaysian burglar became the latest in a long line of criminals who seem to take their cue from the Goldilocks, by falling asleep in the house they're currently burgling.
The man broke into an empty house in northeastern Malaysia, helped himself to cookies in the kitchen and then went to sleep in a child's bedroom, where he was discovered when the family returned home late Saturday, news reports said on Monday.
The man, who later tested positive for drugs, woke up only when roused by police officers summoned by the shocked couple and their son in the northeastern state of Terengganu, The Star and New Straits Times reported.
'I guess my wife's cookies were just too irresistible for him ... The rogue ate them all,' house owner V. Sathya was quoted as saying about the break-in.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Crap Sunday Joke
A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.
Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."