Hmm, I watched the film 10,000 BC yesterday. What a steaming pile of poo!
Sure, all the scenery was quite pretty but the story was shit. See it at your peril!
Monday, March 31, 2008
These sluts online come out with the funniest lines. One whore shouted out in the main online chat room: "Poppered bloke will milk your bollocks. Open door. No chat."
Straight to the point as always...
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the head nursing director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Woman goes into hospital to sort out her wrinkly face- and leaves with D-cups!
A German woman is suing doctors after she checked in to have wrinkles removed - and woke up with a new pair of boobies.!
Ingrid Bruelling, 33, had the operation in the German city of Kassel.
She wanted to give herself firmer skin and remove the wrinkles after losing 16 stone on a crash diet.
But when she woke up after the operation she found doctors had put two silicone implants into her breasts, increasing their size from a C cup to a D.
Doctors said the woman should not complain as the best way to tighten the skin and remove the wrinkles was to make her breasts bigger.
Which medical school did these nutters attend?
Mariah- what a diva!
Mooriah Carey, appeared to hang up on BBC Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates after he mistakenly read out her sales figures incorrectly.
The singer, 38, who is promoting new single, 'Touch My Body', immediately ended her chat with the host after he misquoted her album sales as 80 million instead of 165 million.
Before hanging up Mariah told him: 'Is that the right quote? I don't know. I have to ask someone I don't know if that is accurate.'
After he was cut off Yates said: 'I think she took that as an insult. That is how the conversation ended with me and Mariah! She took 80 million albums as an insult. She is mad cool.'
Listen to it here if ya want. It happens right at the end so feel free to fast forward all the mundane conversation.
A tortoise whose owner claims it is addicted to smoking can apparently finish a cigarette in four minutes.
Owner Li Yun from the town of Kouqian in Yongji county, said his pet was addicted to cigarettes after it started smoking smouldering butts he left lying around his garden.
He said the animal is now addicted and he has timed it smoking a cigarette in four minutes, and gets upset if he can’t smoke half a pack a day.
He said: “Whenever I smoke the tortoise lifts its head out of the water and stares at the cigarette. If I don’t let it smoke, it swims around crazily in its little pond, scratching the sides.
“The tortoise won’t stop until I give it a cigarette and it bites the butt, and you can see the tip glowing. Within four minutes the cigarette is gone.”
Tang Jingwen, deputy secretary-general of the Jilin City Animal Protection Association, said they wanted to contact Yun over his claims.
He said: “If the tortoise smokes voluntarily there is little we can do, but we want him to stop making it public.”
LOL Bull shit! As amusing as this pic is, the owner is a cruel bastard! Fuck the tortoise! It's time for his tortoise, Ping Ping (probably) to go cold turkey!
Simply remove the brolly- and fuck it!
A man faces jail after having sex – with a metal picnic table!
Pervy neighbours videoed naked Art Price Jnr, 40, after spotting him in his garden.
The film, which they gave to police, showed him on top of the table which has a hole for a sun parasol.
Stunned police charged him with public indecency – a crime because he lives near a school.
The dad of three, who has now been freed on £10,000 bail, later admitted he “had a problem”.
Detective Mark Brooks said in Bellevue, Ohio, America: “He was very ashamed.Saturday, March 29, 2008
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £10,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."
Friday, March 28, 2008
That giggling Radio 4 news presenter
Hundreds of listeners have contacted BBC Radio 4 after newsreader Charlotte Green dissolved into giggles while reading a bulletin on Today.
She lost control after playing a clip of the oldest known recording of the human voice.
Presenter James Naughtie intervened as she struggled to tell listeners about the death of screenwriter Abby Mann.
"I'm afraid I just lost it, I was completely ambushed by the giggles," said Green.
A self-help guide called "If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" has been voted the oddest book title of the year.
It beat off stiff competition from another entitled "I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen" to win The Bookseller magazine's prize, reports the BBC.
"Cheese Problems Solved" took third place in a poll which attracted 8,500 votes.
Joel Rickett, deputy editor of The Bookseller, said of the winner: "So effective is the title that you don't even need to read the book itself."
He added that it "makes redundant an entire genre of self-help tomes".
The manual, whose author is named Big Boom, is described as a "self-help book, written by a man for the benefit of women".
Bookseller's contest began in 1978, and the roll-call of previous winners includes High Performance Stiffened Structures, Living with Crazy Buttocks and How To Avoid Huge Ships.
Airport security staff made a woman take out her nipple ring with pliers before she was allowed to board a plane, it has been claimed.
Mandi Hamlin said she was put through the ordeal at a Texas airport and is demanding an apology from security staff.
The 37-year-old said the incident happened as she was waiting to board a flight from Lubbock to Dallas on February 24.
She was asked to remove the piercings behind a curtain but said that a number of male Transportation Security Administration (TSA) staff were present and laughing at her predicament.
"I wouldn't wish this experience upon anyone," Ms Hamlin said at a news conference. "My experience with TSA was a nightmare I had to endure. No one deserves to be treated this way."
Ms Hamlin was eventually able to remove a bar-shaped piercing but could not take out a second ring and was given pliers by airport staff.
Lawyer Gloria Allred has written to TSA's Office of Civil Rights and Liberties demanding officials say sorry.
"As Ms Hamlin struggled to remove the piercing behind the curtain, she could hear a growing number of predominantly male TSA officers snickering in the background," the attorney said in the letter.
She added: "The conduct of TSA was cruel and unnecessary. The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon."
The TSA, which was set up after the September 11th terror attacks, said it had launched an investigation but that agents were trained to search people with piercings in "sensitive areas" with dignity and respect.
"TSA is well aware of terrorists' interest in hiding dangerous items in sensitive areas of the body, therefore we have a duty to the American public to resolve any alarm we discover," the agency said in a written statement.
You know I love Madge but her stone-cold face is starting to scare me! I look at the Vanity Fair pic and all I see is the Princess of Darkness. OK, I guess that's not such a bad thing.
Doesn't she look like the bride of Chucky?
Yay! Spitting Image is back!
Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty as Olympic athletes, Posh Spice with a pig nose and Gordon Brown as Ebeneezer Scrooge, will be among the stars as a rebranded, revamped Spitting Image returns to TV screens.
The two dissolute pop stars will be shown representing Britain in a 2012 London "drug Olympics", in the new ITV satire.
But unlike Spitting Image from 1984 to 1996, the characters will not be mocked as unflatteringly ugly puppets - but unflatteringly ugly 3D computer animations.
The new £2.5million show, Headcases, reunites some of the key names behind Spitting Image - including head writer Henry Naylor and impressionist Rory Bremner.
But this time, celebrities under the spotlight such as Prince William and the Beckhams are shown in Toy Story-style CGI animation.
Even so, each show will be finished just hours before transmission to try to maintain the cutting edge for which Spitting Image became (in)famous.
Headcases will feature Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's bust swelling and shrinking depending on the terrorist threat to the UK. lol
Princes William and Harry will be seen ordering ham and caviar pizza, while the prime minister is a Dickensian miser persistently irritated by spoof calls from Tony Blair.
Mr Brown is portrayed throwing a celebrity party at Downing Street, but a mistake by Alistair Darling means Winehouse and Doherty are the only guests to turn up.
Senior Conservatives David Cameron, George Osbourne and a binge-drinking William Hague will also appear, as will French president Nicolas Sarjozy and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'
'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm celebrating!'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked,
'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'
Passengers on the London Eye cracked open supplies of blankets, water and emergency toilets after it ground to a halt.
About 400 people were on the tourist attaction ground when it had to be stopped for more than an hour for urgent repairs.
London Eye staff spoke to the trapped tourists via intercom, instructing them to open emergency supplies of water, blankets and COMMODES!
Shortest midget in the world
A Chinese man has been recognised as the shortest adult in the world.
He Pingping, 20, of Huade town, Wulanchabu city, who is 2ft 5ins tall, has received a certificate from the Guinness Book of Records.
Guinness confirmed his world record after his height was recorded three times - morning, noon and night - at the Inner Mongolian Autonomous Region Hospital.
His parents and two sisters are all normal height, reports Northern News. His record and picture will be in the 2009 edition.
A man who told police he had been raped by a wombat has, perhaps not surprisingly, failed to substantiate his claim in court.
In fact, Arthur Ross Cradock has ended up in the dock himself and been ordered to do 75 hours' community work for wasting police time.
Not only did he make up the wombat rape story, but the New Zealander also insisted the trauma of the attack had left him "speaking Australian".
The 48-year-old orchard worker pleaded guilty to a charge of "using a phone for a fictitious purpose", after calling police with the startling mesage: "I've been raped by a wombat."
Earlier on the afternoon of February 11, he had called police in Nelson, New Zealand, with a threat to "smash the filth" if they came to his home that night.
In a follow-up call, he made the wombat claim - and demanded immediate help from officers, only to call back shortly afterwards asking to drop the complaint.
He told the operator: "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out."
"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all," he added.
Despite police telling the court of Cradock's struggles with alcohol, his defence lawyer Michael Vesty said drink had not been an issue that day.
And Judge Richard Russell admitted to feeling bemused by Cradock's motive and actions.
But he did warn the wombat-slanderer not to do it again.
A man who ripped the head off a live duck in a Minnesota hotel has been sentenced to the workhouse and community service.
Scott D. Clark apologized in court Wednesday and says he takes full responsibility for his actions. He pleaded guilty in January to felony animal cruelty.
He was at the Embassy Suites in St. Paul in September when he cornered a duck from the hotel's lobby pool and ripped its head off.
Police say he was drunk at the time.
The man was sentenced to three weeks in the workhouse and 80 hours of community service.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Panda porn, aphrodisiac herbs, online dating and even Viagra have been tried - now the world's most notoriously shy animals are taking up 'sexercise' to boost their libido.
Pandas at a Chinese research centre are being encouraged to get down and get funky in the hope of improving their sex lives.
The famously frigid animals are being tempted with apples dangling from string, hoisting them on to their rear legs - and thus strengthening their pelvic muscles.
Keepers at the Chengdu Panda Breeding and Research Centre believe the 'sexercise' sessions could soon bear fruit, so to speak.
Those who manage to stand up eventually get given an apple as reward - before the male pandas are paired off in dens with female counterparts, and left to their own devices.
Wildlife experts are concerned for the future survival of the panda, one of the world's most endangered animals.
Many lazy-ass pandas prefer simply to eat and sleep, rather than fuck- despite the best efforts of keepers, who have previously tried to turn them on them with footage of pandas having sex, or by feeding aphrodisiacs.
Staff at the Chengdu centre in southwestern Sichuan province are now following up their 'sexercise' innovation with a spot of voyeurism.
An official said: 'We arrange love-making between two excellent pandas which have never had sex. It does work.'
Play Mucca Chucka!
A game has hit the net in which players control Heather 'Mucca' Mills and boost her settlement by throwing glasses of water round the court.
Hitting Sir Paul and his lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, leads to extra cash but landing liquid on the judge deducts it.
The game - which you can play below - is based on an incident during the hearing when Mills, 40, got so angry she threw water at Mrs Shackleton.
It is the work of Glasgow-based T-Enterprise, whose boss Sadia Chishti insisted: "We are not out to have a dig at Heather."
The Pussycat Whores have landed concert promoters with a financial penalty.
First off, the lovely Carmit (the trannylicious one) had a tussle with her skimpy vest and thankfully lost.
Then gorgeous blonde Ashley gave the audience a flash of her, ahem, "curtains" when she stretched her legs wide open.
It proved too much for officials in strict Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia's capital city.
Pussycat Dolls promoters Absolute Entertainment have been fined 10,000 Ringgits (£1,436) for allowing the act to perform "sexually suggestive" routines.
Prudish yellas. *Winks at Kpy*
Man microwaves his baby
This is sick- and not in a good way!
Jurors are today deliberating the punishment to serve a father who microwaved his baby daughter.
Prosecutors are asking that 20-year-old Joshua Mauldin be sentenced to life in prison for bundling his then two-month child into the intense heat for about 20 seconds.
Baby Ana, now one-year-old, suffered second and third degree burns (and resembled a crispy duck) which still need to be dressed each day, a process her foster mother said is extremely painful for her.
Tranny with beer gut claims to be preggers
A tranny has claimed to be pregnant with a baby girl, according to reports.
Thomas Beatie, who was born a woman, reportedly said the experience has so far been "incredible" and he is lucky to have such a supportive wife.
The Oregon resident, in a piece written for a US news website, said that he decided to keep his female reproductive organs when he became transgender but he had a chest reduction and underwent testosterone therapy.
When his wife Nancy had a hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis, the couple began to think about Mr Beatie carrying a child.
This meant he had to stop taking his testosterone injections but claims his body regulated itself after just a few months.
Mr Beatie's neighbour Ron Schlieper said: "Quite frankly, I think it's a hoax.
"I saw him a few days ago and he didn't look like that."
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Singapore is offering prudish students lessons in seduction in an attempt to boost the city state's declining birth rate.
Students at two polytechnics can earn credits towards their final degree by choosing the love course.
Activities include watching romantic films (porn?), holding hands and "love song analysis".
Besides "love and sexuality", the curriculum also deals with the importance of family life.
The trainers are provided by the Social Development Unit, a government match-making agency that has married off 33,000 people since it was established in 1984.
Mechanical engineering student, Isabel Seet, 18, told the Straits Times: "My teacher say if a guy look into my eyes for more than five second, it could mean he want to fuck me and I stand a chance."
Government minister Yu-Foo Yee Shoon recently warned young people not to put their career before establishing a family "because if you wait until then, sometimes it'll be a little too late".
Zen Buddhist temple has enjoyed a surprising surge in visitors over the past few weeks – but not all are going in search of spiritual enlightenment.
Instead, they are flocking to see the amazing praying chihuahua.
Mimicking his priest master Joei Yoshikuni, Conan the dog joins in the daily prayers sitting up on his hind legs and putting his front paws together before the altar.
It took him only a few days to learn the motions, and now he is the talk of the town – and has been credited with a 30 per cent rise in attendance.
'Word has spread, and we are getting a lot more tourists,' Mr Yoshikuni said yesterday. Conan generally goes through his twice daily prayer routine at the Shuri Kannondo temple, in Naha, southern Japan, without prompting, the priest added.
'I think he saw me doing it all the time and got the idea to do it too,' Mr Yoshikuni said. He is now trying to teach the 18-month-old pedigree how to meditate.
Well, sort of.
'Basically, I am just trying to get him to sit still while I meditate,' he explained. 'It's not like we can make him cross his legs.' lol Now that I'd like to see!
The double lavatory is being billed as the ultimate gadget to wipe away the tears and tantrums of a rocky relationship.
The TwoDaLoo allows the unhappy couple to drop their pretences and take a dump at the same time!
While facing each other, the grumbling pair have a valuable chance to talk things out.
Then, having cleared the air, the idea is that the husband and wife will flush away their anger and be stronger than ever.
The potty invention, made in China of course, can also apparently help save the planet as well as the relationship.
Once both sides have bared their souls, genitals and shitty asses, the twin bowls of the toilet are cleaned with a single flush.
However, the inventors have recognised that the reconciliation process can take a long time.
They have developed a discreet 'privacy wall' that can be raised whenever things become uncomfortable (like when one of the partners is ejecting last night's Chinese) giving each partner some breathing space.
And, if a bit more atmosphere would help either side unburden themselves, an upgraded version includes an iPod docking station and seven-inch (18cm) TV.
But this kind of creative counselling does not come cheap.
The standard version of the tandem toilet costs more than £700 and is, as yet, only available by ordering them wholesale in batches of 12 or more.
Then, if your marriage still doesn't work, you can always blame the cistern.
A new internet game where youngsters give their virtual characters boob jobs and put them on diet pills has become the latest craze on the web.
The Miss Bimbo game sees girls as young as nine given a naked virtual 'bimbo' which they must look after.
Gamers compete against other players in beauty contests to earn 'bimbo' dollars so they can dress her in sexy lingerie and outfits and take her clubbing.
The aim is to become 'the coolest, richest and most famous bimbo in the whole world' and gamers must keep her at her the target weight through diet pills.
When they run out of virtual cash, contestants send texts costing £1.50 each or transfer funds to top up their accounts.
The game, which was launched a month ago, already has nearly 200,000 British players, most of whom are girls aged between nine and 16.
The aim is to become 'the coolest, richest and most famous bimbo in the whole world' and gamers must keep her at her the target weight through diet pills.
When they run out of virtual cash, contestants send texts costing £1.50 each or transfer funds to top up their accounts.
The game, which was launched a month ago, already has nearly 200,000 British players, most of whom are girls aged between nine and 16.
The sister website in France has attracted 1.2million players in the past year and has been condemned by French dieticians and parents.
But parents' groups are now horrified the game is taking off in Britain, where soaring numbers of teenagers are suffering eating disorders.
Bill Hibberd, spokesman for parents' rights group Parentkind, branded the game 'daft and pathetic'.
He said: 'The danger is that a nine-year-old fails to appreciate the irony and sees the bimbo as a cool role model. Then the game becomes a hazard and a menace.'
But game creator Nicolas Jacquart, 23, insisted the site was 'harmless fun'.
The web designer from Tooting, south-west London, said: 'It simply mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way.
'The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them.'
What a cool game! Me wanna play and create a bimbo with giant boobies!
Monday, March 24, 2008
What to do with all those Easter eggs (apart from gobbling them all up)
Chocoholic's Victoria sandwich
This is great fun - and a brilliant way to use up all the chocolates in one, glorious Willy Wonka extravaganza of molten exuberance. I haven't given amounts for the butter, sugar and flour because you'll need the same weight as your eggs (see instructions in recipe).
4 free-range eggs
Unsalted butter, softened
Caster sugar
Self-raising flour
A pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
A little milk, if needed
About 350-400g Easter egg chocolate and their chocolatey fillings (Maltesers, mini Crunchies and Mars bars work very well)
Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/gas mark 4 and position a shelf in the centre of the oven. Carefully grease two 20cm sandwich tins and line them with baking parchment.
Weigh the eggs (still in their shells) and make a note of their weight. Weigh out exactly the same amount each of butter, sugar and self-raising flour. Sift the salt and flour into a bowl.
In a separate bowl, beat the butter until very soft. Add the sugar a third at a time, beating well after each addition until light and fluffy. Break one egg into the butter mixture and beat hard until completely blended. Repeat with the remaining eggs. Sift in a tablespoon of the flour with the last egg, to stop the mix from curdling. Stir in the vanilla extract, sift in the flour and fold in with a spatula. If the mixture looks a little heavy, add a tablespoon or two of milk.
Spoon the mixture equally between the tins and gently smooth the tops with a knife. Bake for 25-30 minutes, until a skewer or toothpick comes out clean. Leave to cool in the tin for a minute, run a knife around the edge and turn out on to a warmed plate. Cover the surface of one of the sponges with half of the chocolate sweetie haul and then sandwich on the other cake. Cover its surface with the rest of the Easter egg goodies and put back into the oven for a couple of minutes until everything starts to melt. Serve as a warm pudding with some ice cream. Or leave to cool, so the chocolate resets, and cut as a tea-time cake.
Recycled chocolate fridge cake
This is so simple even the youngest members of the family can have a go - though they won't be the only ones who eat it. Makes 16 squares.
350g milk chocolate egg, broken into pieces
150g unsalted butter
3 tbsp golden syrup
120g digestive biscuits
380g sweets from the middle of Easter eggs, broken up if large (mini Mars, Caramel, mini eggs, Smarties, Crunchie, white chocolate buttons)
150g raisins (soaked in brandy for an adult version)
70g white chocolate (optional)
Line a 23cm square baking tin with clingfilm. Place the milk chocolate in a large, heatproof bowl with the butter and syrup, and melt over a pan of barely simmering water. Stir to combine. Break the biscuits into small pieces.
Stir all the remaining ingredients (save a few sweets for decorative purposes) into the melted chocolate until well coated. Pour into the lined tray and level with the back of a spoon. Scatter the leftover sweets over the top. Melt the white chocolate, if using, and flick and drizzle over the top. Refrigerate for four hours or overnight. Cut into 16 squares using a sharp knife dipped into boiling water.
Chocolate chip cookies
These are really easy and quick to make, and so perfect for the kids to have a go at. Makes 16 medium cookies or 10 large ones.
100g milk and/or dark Easter egg chocolate
125g unsalted butter
100g caster sugar
75g soft brown sugar
1 free-range egg
2 tsp vanilla extract
150g plain flour
½ tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/gas mark 5. Line two large baking sheets with baking parchment. Chop the chocolate into chunks and set aside.
Heat the butter very gently in a saucepan until it has just melted. Meanwhile, put both sugars into a mixing bowl. Pour the melted butter on to the sugar and beat with a wooden spoon. Break in an egg and add the vanilla, then beat until blended.
Sift the flour, baking powder and salt into the bowl, fold in, then add the chunks of chocolate. You should have a pretty sloppy sort of mixture.
Dot heaped pudding spoonfuls of the mixture on to the baking sheets, leaving plenty of space in between - they really spread out - and bake for eight to 10 minutes, until the cookies are turning golden brown. Remove, leave on the sheets for a couple of minutes to harden up, then carefully lift the parchment on to a wire rack and leave to cool completely.
Secret to successful marriage? Marry a minger!
The secret to a happy marriage could be for women to marry men less attractive than themselves, say researchers.
Psychologists who studied newlyweds found men who were better looking were more likely to be unhappy. But when the wife was the better looker, both were content.
Women are less choosy about their man’s looks – as long as he is able to help her reproduce.
Psychologist Dr Alastair Ross said: “Men who have an attractive wife are seen as having positive personality traits. That’s why politicians want attractive wives.”
Right, I'm orf to find a right dog.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
A man has admitted to attacking his wife of eight years – by throwing profiteroles at her.
Darren Owen, a biscuit factory worker from Blackpool, was fined £150 and ordered to pay court costs over the incident.
But in perhaps the bigger punishment, his marriage is also over.
Blackpool magistrates heard how the 38-year-old came home from work drunk "sozzled" and threw the popular cream-filled buns after an argument.
He also threw the plastic bowl at Myra Owen, 55, while she was lying in bed last Saturday, the court heard.
David Charnley, defending Mr Owen, said: "My client says that when he got home from work that night she was - in his words - sozzled."
Obviously, the wife wasn't a fat bitch, 'cause otherwise she'd have loved cream buns being chucked at her. Oh yeah, she'd definitely rub the cream into her boobies and giggle like happy obese lass.
"He says their relationship is not going to continue."
Houston, TX -- Some people consider eating to be a religious experience, but one Texas pastor found God in his Cheetos®. Actually, it was Cheesus.
That's the name a member of the church gave to the Cheeto® that Pastor Steve Cagg was about to eat. He says at first he thought it looked like a dog, but when he turned it around he saw what he said was an image of Jesus praying.
One doubter says the Cheeto® looks like Lietenant Dan from the movie "Forrest Gump". But the Cheeto ® is still special to Cragg. He kees it in a special box so that he doesn't eat it by accident.
TSK! What's wrong with men?!
A guy sends me a simple message: "Hi mate".
I replied: "Good thanks. Having a good Easter?"
And he replies: "sure like to get shaged and you ? happy easter"
*Screams*
Saturday, March 22, 2008
What a mess!
Skeletor is so desperate to assert her status in the fashion world by "modelling" for Marc Jacobs.
Marc must be laughing his tits off that he actually managed to convince the skinny ass to slap on Bisto gravy haphazardly all over her body, put on Britney Spears' wig, and wear a shapeless dress which pronounces her robo tits and is held up by suspenders.
Today's safety lesson....never urinate on a 220 watt 3 phase electric fence!
Crispy little critter huh?
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society..
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a WY on his penis. The American said to him, "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day."
I Found an old picture of me and my baby sitter
I MISS HER A LOT.
.
I WISH MY FOLKS HAD GONE OUT MORE!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family..... You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him.... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken sod, you're shitting on the bed!!"
Hello. I was just chatting to a guy online called Rusty, who told me he got back together with his boyfriend, Mabs, two days ago. I didn't know that kind of thing happens in the gay world. Anyway, I asked why they broke up in the first place and he said it was because he was a bit rude to Mabs. Obviously, I wanted more details 'cause I'm a nosy bastard. It turns out that Mabs, a devout Muslim, takes his prayers rather seriously and on one early morning, he started his loud incantations. Rusty, hungover from the night before, snapped: "Who the fuck prays at 4:30am? Let me sleep you cunt!"
LMAO! Understandably, Mabs was a little annoyed and called it off.
Brits take an average of 22 dates, three one-night stands and three long-term relationships before settling down, says a new poll.
Couples revealed how long it had taken to find The One for entertainment website BT PodShow.
Some needed as many as 50 dates with potential partners. And nine per cent reckon it takes at least ten one-night stands.
Talking regularly and an active sex life were what people were looking for.
Poor personal hygiene, no sense of humour and being bad in bed were the biggest turn-offs, the poll found.
The good news for those still searching is this weekend is the best chance of the year to banish those single days.
Relationship expert Jo Hemmings said: "The four-day Bank Holiday gives us double the free time of a normal weekend, so double the chances to enjoy ourselves and find love.
"And the onset of spring, a full moon and an abundance of chocolate Easter eggs will all play their part."
A nurse told last night how she almost died from an extreme allergic reaction – to her panties.
Kim Walker, 37, went into severe anaphylactic shock after squeezing into a pair of tummy-slimming pants bought from a Primark shop.
She had to be injected with life-saving adrenalin as her throat closed and she gasped for breath.
Kim, who fell ill while tending a casualty ward patient, may not recover fully for six weeks.
She claimed a fibre used to absorb moisture in her £4 control pants could have sparked the dangerous reaction, most commonly linked to peanut allergies.
Eww! I don't need to see a skanky pair of panties while I'm eating my brekkie!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Strange recipe
Chocolate Armpit Hairs
3 large shredded wheat bundles
3 TBS. honey
1 TBS. light brown sugar
1 6oz. bag milk chocolate chips
2 TBS. butter or margarine
Directions:
Break up shredded wheat bundles into single long strands, so that they have the appearance of armpit hairs. Set aside.
Place the honey, brown sugar, chocolate chips, and butter in a medium sized heavy saucepan and heat over low to melt.
Gently stir mixture with a rubber spatula. Mixture should be smooth and glossy.
Remove the saucepan from burner and place it on a heat safe work surface.
Gently fold in shredded wheat.
When the shredded wheat is completely coated, scoop it onto wax paper in nine equal portions.
Use a fork to gently rake "hairs" into one direction.
To set Chocolate Armpit Hairs, place them in refrigerator for about thirty minutes. If there are any hairy bundles left over, keep them stored in the refrigerator.
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
Crazy religious nuts
The Philippines government has issued an Easter public heath warning - on the dangers of crucifixion.
Thousands of worshippers in the Philippines will this week practice crucifixion and self flagellation to show their faith.
The government is encouraging them to get a tetanus shot first and be sure to use a clean whip or nails.
"We are not trying to go against the Lenten tradition here because whipping has somewhat already become some form of atonement for sins for some of us," Health Secretary Francisco Duque the 3rd said.
"Getting deep cut wounds during whippings or lashings is inevitable and being so exposed during the course of the penitence, with all the heat and dust blowing in the wind, welcomes all sorts of infections and bacteria like tetanus."
In San Fernando City 23 people, including two women, have signed up to re-enact the crucifixion at three improvised Golgothas. Four of them will use real nails.
The festival is sponsored by Coca-cola and a company called Smart Telecommunications.
Thousands of dodgy translations are being scrapped in Beijing in the run-up to this summer’s Olympic Games in the Chinese capital.
Signs, shops, restaurants and hotels will be for the high jump if mistakes aren’t corrected. Menus offering “steamed crap” and warnings to “mind crotch” will vanish.
And disabled loos will no longer be described as “deformity man’s passage”.
Tourism chiefs believe the awful attempts to translate Chinese into English – known as Engrish or Chinglish – could lead to sports fans taking the mickey out of the Olympics.
The BBC was rapped last night after screening film of what appeared to be a pupil pulling a teacher’s trousers down.
The footage was shown to laughter on BBC3’s Lily Allen And Friends as part of a selection of “funny internet clips”.
Introducing the blurry video – probably shot on a mobile phone – pop star Lily said: “It’s kegging, pulling someone’s trousers down when they least expect it. It’s very childish, but very funny.”
Teaching unions called the broadcast “utterly irresponsible” and said it could encourage humiliation of staff by pupils.
Damn, I wish I had seen it! I wonder if the teacher was wearing any panties....
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Holy shit! Is that what a vagina really looks like?
More nasty pics of Sex and the City's Kristin Davis HERE! Be warned. There's a whole lotta bush!
Women like the voices of Sean Bean and Colin Firth, while men like the sounds of Radio 1 DJ Annie Mac and, er, Pamela Anderson, according to a recent survey from CupidBay.com. Were they completing the right questionnaire?
Even a frog can become a prince if his voice hits the right note. Take prime minister Gordon Brown: he has a Facebook group devoted to him titled: 'Say what you like about Gordon Brown – he has a sexy voice on the radio!' His fan club describes his voice as 'deep, rugged and gruff'. And, although the group only has 13 members, one admirer says he can 'pin me down and do what he wants to me'. Eww!
Voice coach Laura Spicer says the power of the voice should never be underestimated and, if you're willing to put in some practice, you may find it can get you anything you want. 'Communication in any situation is divided into three things; 55 per cent is how we look when we say it, 38 per cent how we sound and just seven per cent is the content itself.'
And without knowing it, we often make judgments based on voices. 'If you see me wearing jeans you may think I look nice or too casual. Either way, you consciously notice yourself thinking this. At the same time you're judging my personality based on my voice. You probably won't know you're doing it, making the voice an even more powerful tool.'
In Spicer's experience, most men like women to have breathy tones (think Marilyn Monroe) and women like deep, powerful ones (try Sean Connery). 'Men try too hard to have a deep voice but end up sounding monotone, which is boring. Humans like tunes and tones because they convey feelings. Even in the womb, we pick them up through our mother's voice and music,' she says. Instead, concentrate on variation: 'Always change your pitch, pace and volume. It will make you seem more interesting.'
Another tip is to pay attention to the person you're trying to impress. 'Take note of the rate they speak at. If they speak slowly and you talk quickly, they may find the speed hard to process and will quickly lose interest,' says Spicer.
If you really want to notch up your prowess, you just need to relax. Research has shown we sound sexiest after an orgasm and first thing in the morning because our vocal tract is relaxed. 'If your voice is stuck in your throat or nose, it will turn people off. Instead, let it come from your stomach,' says Spicer. 'State and mood are contagious and however you feel comes out in your voice.'
Men respond
But can a seductive voice really get you what you want? Tina Stewart has been a voiceover artist for the past 20 years. Professionally, she can be anything you want; sensual, silly or ditzy. 'Men definitely respond well to my voice, particularly if we're speaking over the phone,' she purrs. 'The conversation becomes very flirty very quickly.'
It's even helped her find love. 'My husband fell for me based on my voice and I fell in love with his. We were both working as voiceover artists but I was based in Washington DC and he was in London. We spoke every day on the phone and eventually visited each other. That was 13 years ago.' So, how would she describe her husband's voice? 'Creamy, he is definitely creamy. I really fell for it.'
VOLUME CONTROL
You're too scared to ask for a girl's number. What do you do? Stop chattering in your head and concentrate on being responsive to her. Make your voice an audible volume so she won't have to work to hear you – or you might have to repeat yourself.
You're rowing with your partner. How do you calm it down? If they are shouting, start by matching their volume and energy level and very quickly let your voice get quieter. If you do this artfully enough, you will calm them down.
You're sick of being the wallflower. How do you get noticed? There is no wrong voice – only an appropriate one. A booming voice might annoy people, so match the volume and energy levels of the group instead.
Office workers in Romania took TWO days to notice that one of their colleagues had died at her desk. Despite their open-plan office, civil servants at an office in Botosani at first did not think anything was wrong with Aurica Vladimirescu, 49. A spokesman said: "She sometimes had a few drinks at midday snd we thought she was just taking a rest".
Many animal lovers have their pets stuffed when the creatures pass away but one couple had a rather more novel idea – turning their dogs' hair into his 'n' hers jumpers.
Beth and Brian Willis combed their carpets – that's what we said – for dog hair and then had it spun into yarn, which Mrs Willis knitted into winter warmers.
Mr Willis wears his doggy jumper every weekend into town to do the shopping. 'They are extremely warm and pretty much waterproof,' he said. 'Unless it is banging it down, it is fine.
I've always got a sweat on by the time I get from the bus to the shops,' the 73-year-old retired removals worker added.
Mrs Willis, a retired St John Ambulance telephonist, said she got the idea after seeing a picture of Princess Diana wearing dog fur at Crufts.
She first used the hair of their white Samoyed, called Kara, to knit her husband's sweater in 1990. 'We began to save the hair, by taking it off the brushes after we'd groomed Kara or by rolling it from the carpet where she had been lying,' she added.
The 71-year-old said the fur of the Samoyed, which is native to north Russia, was more like wool while breeders said it was possible to use the coat for clothes. The first jumper was such a success that the couple from Newcastle repeated the process when their next pet, a Swedish Lapphund named Penny, died.
Mrs Willis said people sometimes come up and tell them they're barking mad but it 'seems normal to us'.
'Brian can go out in his jumper in the winter without a coat, even in the snow, and when he comes back in he just gives himself a shake,' she added.
Woolies has been rapped for displaying a birthday card to children which portrays a man whacking his manhood with a hammer.
The greeting – depicting him acting out the word “Bangkok” in a game of charades – was picked off a bottom shelf by shocked Alice Grant’s daughter Elsa, three.
Mrs Grant, 35, said in Southampton: “She was saying, ‘Mummy what is this man doing?’ It’s a disgrace this was on display in the view of children.”
A spokesman for the chain, known for the Wonder of Woolies, said: “We stock a range of cards to appeal to all customers (including pervs).”
SICK!!
A marriage has taken place between an 11-year-old boy and his 10-year-old cousin in Saudi Arabia.
Primary school pupil, Mohammed al-Rashidi and his unidentified cousin will seal the marriage they contracted under the Sharia laws of Islam and move in together after a ceremony due to take place in the summer.
"I am ready for this marriage. It will help me study better," Mohammed, who attends school in the northern province of Hail, said.
"I invite all my classmates to do like me," the boy said, adding that he wanted to "crown a love story through marriage".
The boy's father, Muraizak al-Rashidi is now writing invites for a summer celebration which will deal the marriage.
Dahim al-Jaber, the headmaster at Mohammed's school, said marriage at such a young age was "inappropriate" but wished the couple a happy life together.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Snippet of new Madge song- Miles Away
LOL! Some dude on YouTube commented: "This song is the sex. I wish the Japanese dude would shut the fuck up!" My sentiments exactly.
Charlotte is such a slut!
This pic of Kristin Davis (or perhaps someone who looks very much like her) is all over the Internet. Filthy, scrotum-lickin' ho! lol
Centava Dozier, 21, filed a $200,000 lawsuit Monday against American Airlines, alleging that a passenger masturbated in the seat next to her and then ejaculated on her hair.
Dozier was on her way to visit family and friends in L.A., MyFOXHouston reports.
The suit claims Dozier was sitting in an empty row when the plane took off, and then fell asleep. When she woke up, she says she found a substance in her hair and a man masturbating in the seat next to her.
Dozier claims that when she asked the flight attendants for help, and requested the man be removed and taken back to his assigned seat, the staff did nothing, MyFOXHouston reports.
American Airlines officials maintain that appropriate action was taken and the man was arrested when the plane landed.
A businessman claims in a lawsuit that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe.
Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden and was getting a paid lap dance when the accident occurred early Nov. 2, 2007.
According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries."
A man who identified himself as the manager of the Hot Lap Dance Club said he was unaware of the accident or the state Supreme Court lawsuit.
LOL! Remember that article I posted about the Indian guy who holds the record for the longest ear hair at 13.2cm? Well check out the video! He can't stop grooming it!
It was that time during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your ass?'
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobies too.'
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,"Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" the other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
A German pensioner is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg - and woke up to find she had been given a new anus!
The clinic in Hochfranken in Bavaria has suspended the surgical team concerned after they apparently mixed up the notes for two patients.
The woman complainant was expecting an operation on her leg, while another patient, suffering from incontinence, was scheduled for surgery on her sphincter. lol!
The woman, who still needs to have the leg operation, is planning to sue the hospital and is looking around for another hospital to carry out the work.
The recently celebrated Hōnen festival is a fertility festival (hōnen meaning harvest), in which the centre of attention is less focused on prize cabbages, and more about gigantic wooden penises.
The largest and most renowned festival (with the most renowned wooden penises) taks place in the city of Komaki, in Aichi Prefecture in central Japan. The festival involves carrying the aforementioned massive penis from one shrine to another, while in the surrounding festivities, revellers enjoy penis-shaped food and pray while rubbing stone testicles.
Penis souvenirs are also available.
A food company has been forced to apologise - after a suspected rat's head was found in a snack.
Nong Shim, South Korea's biggest processed food company, said it is recalling the shrimp cracker treat from shops around the country.
The company said: "All the responsibility rests with us, Nong Shim."
The Korea Food and Drug Administration (KFDA) said yesterday that the furry item was "suspected to be the head of a rat."
It was thought the head was accidentally introduced at their production plant in China's eastern city of Qingdao.
Monday, March 17, 2008
A Chinese woman forced her boyfriend to have breast-reduction surgery because his man boobs made her look flat.
Xiao Feng, of Chongqing, threatened to break up with Zhang Jianguo unless he underwent surgery.
Zhang, who is 5ft 7ins tall and weighs 15 stone, explained: "She said that whenever we went out, she felt embarrassed because my breasts were eye-catching compared to hers."
Doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Chongqing Medical University sucked out more than 200ml of fat and tissue from his breasts, reports Chongqing Business News.
Who you callin' two-faced?
This is the tot born with two faces being worshipped as the reincarnation of an Indian deity.
Villagers have flocked to see the baby girl - just days old - who has four eyes and two faces, at Sani village in Gautam Buddha Nagar district of Uttar Pradesh, 50km north east of New Delhi.
Born to Vinod Singh and mother Sushma, the tot is being worshiped as a reincarnation of Indian God Ganesha.
People in her rural village have been singing, dancing, offering money and asking for her blessings.
Silly superstitious Indians! It's not a fookin' "miracle" or a "blessing". It's more likely to be the result of inbreeding, folic acid deficiency or perhaps Mother Nature woke up one morning with a hangover and was seriously pissed off with the world.
Hot tranny about to make TV debut
Candis Cayne (classic porn star name) is making TV history by becoming the first tranny to play a tranny on a primetime show.
The actress, who was born Brendan McDaniel, plays the part of a millionaire's mistress on Channel 4's Dirty Sexy Money.
The show starts on March 21 at 10pm.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
LOL! Check out this Aussie website. If you're a scat whore, then you'll love it. lol
Kangaroo poo is our base product, our stock in trade. A Jar of kangaroo poo works as a great conversation starter when it's displayed prominently in your home. It also works as a great conversation stopper when the person you send it to opens the parcel! Not too many people expect to receive a jar of kangaroo poo!
Kangaroo poo comes straight from the producer to you....well, we do the packaging but the kangaroos do most of the work. Suffice to say that it's untouched by human gland. 250 ml presentation jars of genuine dried kangaroo poo nuggets direct from the outback. They're attractively labelled (see the picture) with a description of contents.
It’s a great gift idea. Uniquely Australian in the true sense of the word - it's a no bullshit product. It's 100% unleaded, organic, recycled and biodegradable. No additives and no preservatives just pure essence of kangaroo.
The Wacky Weenies collection offers the mature side of plush toys.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
A demonstration of a chicken manure catapult backfired for a former stuntman.
Joe Weston-Webb, 70, decided to protect his business with a human catapult that fires chicken manure to deal with any would-be vandals.
But it didn't go quite according to plan for the pensioner who had summoned local reporters and television crews from as far away as Germany to see a live firing of the catapult.
It failed to spray chicken manure far and wide.
Instead the bag of manure landed in a heap six feet from the truck specially adapted to do the job at his business, which is situated in the shadow of Ratcliffe-on-Soar power station in south Nottinghamshire.
"I am a bit disappointed," said the eccentric businessman, who previously used the contraption to fling his wife Mary - a self-proclaimed stuntwoman - across the River Avon.
He added: "I thought it would have gone a bit further than that. We obviously need more power. I have broken the elastic so we will have to go back to the drawing board."
Realising the anti-climax, Mr Weston-Webb turned on his heels and marched the pack of reporters to his office, where he had a miniature version capable of firing eggs on standby.
That demonstration was more successful, with a cameraman having to duck two flying eggs.
Polyfilla for skin
Are the effects of late nights, bad diet and poo sex showing on your face? Well, try some Tri-Aktiline to fill in those cracks!
Tri-Aktiline, which was launched in Britain earlier this year, is meant to be tapped gently on to wrinkles and allowed to set before moisturiser or make-up is applied.
Manufacturers claim users can see their lines disappear within 15 seconds.
Ewwwww Stelios of easyJet is one sick fuck! He's introducing an online pizza delivery service called (yeah, you guessed correctly) easyPizza!
Naturally, only the cheapest ingredients will do, since medium-sized pizzas will be selling for a fiver.
Mmmm my mouth is salivating already at the thought of munching into some cheap-ass pizza with dogs' droppings as toppings.
Now David Cameron is after the sympathy vote
Tory twat David Cameron was seen for the first time by voters last night playing with his disabled son.
He was filmed feeding Ivan, five — who has a rare form of cerebral palsy.
A TV crew was allowed in as the family had breakfast at home. Mr Cameron’s daughter Nancy, four, and son Arthur, two, sat on either side of him.
Ugh, how low can you go? Using your disabled son to procure votes from naive voters? Sick!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Cruisin' with Lee Tamahori
Click HERE to dress up a tranny as slutty as possible and help him/her find a shag.
Concentration test for women.
Who's your best friend?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Incredible Hulk Trailer
The Hulk faces the gripes of Roth when he tackles his latest and greatest foe – the Abomination.
Reservoir Dogs star TIM ROTH, 46, plays a KGB agent turned into the villain who is more powerful than the not-so-jolly green giant.
A US woman says she had to drink her own piss after police locked her in a cell and forgot about her - for four days.
Adriana Torres-Flores was locked in a cell in the Washington County Courthouse, Arkansas, on a Thursday - and left until the following Monday.
She had nothing to eat or drink so drank her own urine. There was no bed or toilet. She slept on the floor with her head on a shoe.
Torres-Flores pounded on the steel door with her hands and feet, and yelled but nobody heard her, reports the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.
The building was closed all weekend so it was Monday morning before the bailiff who had put her in the holding cell, intending to have her taken to jail, opened the door and realised his mistake.
Short men are more likely to turn into jealous lovers than their taller counterparts.
Men feel most threatened by romantic rivals who are attractive, rich and strong, researchers found.
But the most envy was displayed by shorter men.
Taller men may be less jealous because they usually do best with the ladies.
Women, on the other hand, were most jealous of beauty and charm.
Tall and short women were most prone to jealousy, with medium-height females feeling the most relaxed, Dutch and Spanish scientists found. Their study appears in a US journal.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Chinese man who won a Miss Universe award says he's stuck between genders after his plastic surgeon went bankrupt.
Xie Xiaoxing, 27, won 'best camera image' in the Fujian regional heat of the contest to select Miss China for Miss Universe 2006.
The organisers assumed he was female - but he had only had the first phase of surgery to turn him into a woman.
Mr Xie says the Fashion Beauty Plastic Surgery Hospital in Fuzhou city had offered him a full sex change in exchange for him advertising its services.
"After the first phase of surgery, I stopped for a while to deal with some personal issues, and when I came back last autumn they'd gone bankrupt," he said.
Mr Xie says he isn't sure now whether he's a man or a woman and can't even get a job because he can't confirm his gender.
"Some companies would like to hire me but can't take me, since I can't provide them with an ID card," he added.
A Taiwanese man hired an erotic dancer to perform at his 103-year-old father's funeral.
The stripper danced in front of Cai Jinlai's coffin for more than ten minutes at the funeral in Taizhong town.
Son, Cai Ruigong, paid her more than £80 to dance in memory of his late father, reports United Daily News.
Cai Ruigong says he promised his father a stripper for his funeral if he lived beyond the age of 100.
Cai Jinlai passed away at the age of 103 after a three mile walk into town to vote. He was the oldest person in his village and had more than 100 descendants.
His son said his father was famous locally for his interest in strip clubs: "He would travel around the island with his friends to see these shows," he added.
A Chinese bride burnt her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his nasty-ass feet.
"Wang and his wife, Luo, were married on February 2. The couple, however, frequently fought over trivial things while still on their honeymoon," state media reported.
The couple, from the central province of Hubei, had another fight on the night of March 4, "and in frustration they together drank a bottle of liquor to ease their anger".
"At about 10pm, Luo watched her husband get into bed without cleaning or washing his feet. In a fit of anger and intoxication, she set fire to the sheet he was sleeping in," the report said.
"When he awoke, the two began fighting before a very drunk Wang collapsed. As fire engulfed the bedroom. Luo escaped to the living room, leaving her other half to burn," it added.
The woman has been arrested, the report said.
It probably sounded like a good prank at the time - pour deer pee into a school air con unit.
Unfortunately, it made it made a lot of students sick.
About a dozen students became ill after the prank at Volunteer High School in Church Hill, Tennessee in the US.
Police are searching for whoever poured the deer urine into the unit.
Firefighters were sent to the school Monday after the odour became overpowering in one classroom, and paramedics treated students who complained of headache and nausea.
Church Hill Police Chief Mark Johnson said the stunt could result in a vandalism charge.
Sheriff's deputies say a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple says a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.
The sheriff says the woman's muscles had atrophied and that medical personnel had to remove her from the toilet because she was bound to it by 'natural means.'
Whipple says the woman at first refused ambulance service and 'didn't want to leave.'
She's hospitalized in Wichita, but is refusing to talk with authorities.
Whipple says his office is considering a charge of mistreatment of a dependent adult.
Watch out kids. Jacko is coming to Britain!
Michael Jackson is planning to escape the media spotlight by retreating to the sleepy Devonshire countryside with his family.
The kiddy fiddler is set to move into his brother Tito's new house in Barnstaple along with other visiting members of the Jackson family.
Tito, who enjoyed a successful stint as a judge on BBC1s 'Just The Two Of Us', says he decided to relocate to the coasts of South West England because of projects he has running in Britain.
A TV advert for a popular hair styler has been banned from being shown again after it was found to be offensive to Christians.
The ad, for the ghd IV styler, showed "eroticised" images of women praying and used the phrase "thy will be done" in reference to the Lord's prayer.
Upholding the complaints, the ASA said Jemella Ltd, which sells the styler, was likely to have caused serious offence to Christians by using the phrase with images of a model praying, another carrying a candle and one wearing lingerie while clasping beads in apparent supplication.
The ads for the styler - billed by Jemella as "heavenly enlightenment for urban angels" and a new religion for hair - featured five women in their bedrooms looking upwards, including one shown to be thinking "Make him dump her tonight and come home with me".
Large on-screen text then stated "ghd IV thy will be done" - with the letter "t" rendered as a cross.
The ruling noted that the slogan "a new religion for hair" had been used in ghd's marketing for the past seven years to refer in the wider sense to an interest or hobby followed with devotion.
But the ruling continued: "We concluded that the eroticised images of the women apparently in prayer, in conjunction with religious symbols such as the votive candle and the rosary beads, the use of the phrase 'thy will be done' from the Lord's Prayer and the image of the letter 't' as the Cross of Jesus, were likely to cause serious offence, particularly to Christians."
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
LOL So true!
British people are only happy when we are being miserable about something, according to a US writer.
Eric Weiner made the claim in his new best-selling book, The Geography of Bliss, reports the BBC.
The former New York Times journalist wrote: "Britain is a great place for grumps, and most Brits, I suspect, derive a perverse pleasure from their grumpiness.
"For the British, happiness is a transatlantic import. And by transatlantic, they mean American. And by American, they mean silly, infantile drivel."
He catalogued a litany of misery in Britain, citing problems with "chronic politeness", terrible "bland British cuisine" and, worse, a "bland British personality".
Mr Weiner concluded: "For the English, life is not about happiness but getting by."
The award-winning journalist spent a year travelling the world to find its happiest nooks and crannies, journeying through Iceland, Holland and Switzerland and, further afield, to Bhutan and Qatar.
And he identified Britain's most miserable place as the Berkshire town of Slough.
He wrote: "Slough is a treasure trove of unhappiness, buried beneath a copious layer of gloom. The colours range from deeper to lighter shades of grey. The people seem grey, too, and slightly dishevelled."
An Austrian doctor lodged a complaint after a lorry driver threw a cheeseburger at him for driving too slowly.
But police told Hannes Kohl, from Vienna, that burger throwing was not an offence.
He was hit on the head by the cheese burger thrown by an overtaking lorry driver through his open car window.
Dr Kohl, who was on his way to a medical congress in the Czech Republic, said: "I was going slowly but that was no excuse for this outrageous attack.
"I complained to the police but they told me it was not an offence to throw a burger at someone, and my insurance company also refused to pay up even though there was melted cheese and ketchup on my suit and all over my car."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
When Justin Timberlake inducted Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame he said: "People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah!
"We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?'
"She reached into her handbag, pulled a ziplock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.'
"I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants.
"She gave me the shot in my ass. It was one of the greatest days of my life."
I'm so jealous! I want Madge to do me in the ass too! lol
Hell hath no fury like a yella scorned
A Chinese woman killed her husband in his sleep, cut off his dick, and placed it in the bed of their six year old son as a warning to him not to be unfaithful.
But despite the brutal death of Peng Wang, 45, his family have appealed to the court not to jail his wife Mouyu, 31, because they do not want their son Lo to grow up an orphan.
Peng, from Zhangzhou city in China, admitted to his wife that he had been unfaithful after she found text messages on his phone.
When he went to bed she hit him on the head with a hammer and then sliced off his dick with a kitchen knife, which she then gave to their son, 6, before calling police and confessing.
They found the dead man and recovered his penis from the bedroom.
The case was adjourned for reports after the brothers of the dead man wrote to the local police pleading for leniency.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Scottish lonely hearts club
Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03
Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required No timewasters. Box 3/45
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm. Box 37/09
An Indian grocer has made it into the record books - for having the longest ear hair in the world.
Radhakant Bajpai, 50, has tufts of hair sprouting to an incredible 5.2in at their longest point.
The astonishing length was confirmed for the Guinness Book of Records by medical examiner Dr R P Gupta.
Together, Bajpai's ear tufts measure almost 9.8in - long enough for two small ponytails.
He uses a special shampoo and has stopped wearing rings and necklaces so he does not damage his luxuriant whiskers.
Mr Bajpai, of Naya Ganj in Uttar Pradesh, northern India, said he wished people would take it all more seriously.
"Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family. God has been very kind to me," he said.
Dog owners in Amsterdam are angry after the city legalised public sex in one of the city's most famous parks.
Councillors agreed that heterosexual and gay couples could have sex in the Vondelpark which has ten million visitors a year.
But they promised to clampdown on dog owners who let their pets walk in the park without a lead.
One dog owner protested: "As long as the park has existed, we've been allowed to let our dogs run freely. It's outrageous that we will be punished from now on but public sex won't."
A spokesman for the council which runs the southern part of Amsterdam said: "When the dogs are not kept on a leash they pee on whatever they see and they cause a lot of nuisance for other visitors."
Alderman Paul Van Grieken defended the decision to allow public sex in the park from September.
"Why should we oppose a rule on something you can't oppose a rule on. Moreover it isn't a nuisance for the other visitors and gives a lot of pleasure to a certain group of people," he said.
"There still are rules," he added. "They must take their garbage with them afterwards and never have intercourse near the playground. The sex must be limited to the evening hours and night."
Amy Winehouse wants to munch Blake's ass!
A shocking new video has been leaked on the internet of Amy Winehouse gushing toilet smut to her bad boy husband, Blake Fielder-Civil.
The footage is believed to be taken by Blake himself in a video diary tape, shot as the singer was preparing for a photo shoot by US magazine 'Spin' last summer.
The crackwhore tells Blake of her sex plans at the end of the tape saying she wants to 'fucking eat' his 'arse'.
The erotic exchange begins between the couple with Fielder-Civil, 25, asking Winehouse what her favourite outfit is.
Scantily covered, she tells the camera lens: 'My favourite outfit? This one. Most of it's mine'. She is then seen lubing her crotch. Well, kinda.
If you're a Muslim fashionista but bored of the same, boring black silk, then check out these funky designs! You can go for chav chic or something Santalicious!
The Church of England publishes a sex manual
The handbook, called Growing Together, gives candid advice on married life and tells couples to talk about their “turn-ons and turn-offs”.
It says: “Sex, far from being naughty, is something holy and wonderful and something to be celebrated. Like any other skill, it has to be learned. . . be each other’s teacher.”
The guide uses scenarios to give advice. One says: “Kevin and Mandy had been married 18 months and worried that they had not conceived a child.
“It turned out they had never had full intercourse.” LOL! I don't know what to say....did virginal Mary suck Kev's dick? Or did Kev just poke the wrong hole? Awww it's quite sweet that they actually believe in immaculate conceptions. The 120-page manual also gives advice on sharing chores, money issues, and whether to be buried or cremated. Zexxy!
Officials decided to write the book because of concern about the high number of divorces.
The Bishop of Croydon, the Rt Rev Nick Baines, said: “We want to prepare people for life and it’s particularly important we do this, considering the number who are getting divorced.
“There’s an assumption that church people are from a different planet. We’re not. We live in the real world and are trying to help people talk about things that often don’t get talked about.
For Daniel Craig fans...
Daniel, 40, strips off and shows off his rippling abs in new movie Flashbacks Of A Fool – due out in April.
He plays Joe Scot – a washed up Hollywood star addicted to sex, drugs and a celebrity lifestyle.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
74 year old Easter egg
It was found by Moir Taylor and was bought for her cousin John Henry. He died before he could open it in 1934 aged 22 months — just a year after his mother.
His father George kept the egg as it was the one keepsake he had of his only son. It lay in a straw-filled box with a poem saying: "My little darling bud, you didn’t have time to blossom."
George took it when he moved from Featherstone, West Yorks, to Skeller, South Yorks, when he wed second wife Ruby.
Moir, 61, left, from Featherstone, found it when Ruby died recently. She said: "It belongs in a museum."
A Chinese mystic claims he can cook fish – using only the power of his mind.
He Tieheng – who calls himself ‘The Fire God’ – says he uses a technique called Qigong to channel his brainwaves on to food.
He showed off his power to a theatre audience of 7,000 – who said the fish started to smoke and change colour within a minute of him holding it.
Amazed Mei Lee, 29, who was at The Lark Theatre in Guangzhou, China said: “Afterwards he had black soot on his hands where the fish was singed.”
Tieheng said: “The power of the mind is able to conquer natural forces.”
He claimed he could channel “psychopneumatological force”, adding: “I once cook a fishy fishy finkin' about gas range belting out 1,000 degree heat.”
Friday, March 07, 2008
Love At First Sight
It's hard to put into words...
Sometimes it's just a glance across a crowded room...
Maybe the moonlight...
Maybe her perfume...
Sometimes you just know...
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7.
The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Blech! It seems like wherever I look, all I ever see is Kate Hudson's ass! I'm sick of seeing these hairless marshmellows! I'm trying to eat my muesli for fook's sake! lol
Anyway, this is she, wondering by a pool with her SON, Ryder. Poor guy. He's gonna be damaged for life.
If you are sick of being told to eat nothing but steamed vegetables and seeds, how does a battered and deep-fried Creme Egg sound? Nasty!
The calorie-starved citizens of one town are wolfing down the seasonal 'treats' faster you can say 'pass the sick bag'.
Phil Cornford, a chippie in Maidstone, Kent, is enriching – and possibly cutting short – his customers' lives with them. He said people were queuing round the block.
Daughter Lisa, 30, admitted: 'They're actually quite nice. I thought they'd be sickly and disgusting. Some people have two or three in one go but you need one hell of a sweet tooth.'
A spokesman for Cadbury, which sells 200million unadulterated versions of the eggs annually, said there was no accounting for taste.
'Creme Eggs are eaten in many different ways,' he explained.
'If people like them in batter then who are we to stop them?'
A Creme Egg fresh from the factory packs a modest 171 calories.
Cadbury was unable to state how much that figure would increase after being given the battered and deep-fried treatment.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
50 gayest tunes of all time
50. Elton John and George Michael “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
49. Dead or Alive “You Spin Me (Like A Record)”
48. Pet Shop Boys “New York City Boy”
47. Diana Ross “Chain Reaction”
46. Deborah Harry “I Want That Man”
45. Cher “Strong Enough”
44. RuPaul “Supermodel (You Better Work)”
43. KD Lang “Constant Craving”
42. Culture Club “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”
41. Chaka Kham “I’m Every Woman”
40. Wham “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
39. Paul Lekakis “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)
38. Kym Mazelle “Young Hearts Run Free”
37. George Michael “Outside”
36. Donna Summer “I Feel Love”
35. Dannii Minogue “This Is It”
34. Belinda Carlisle “Summer Rain”
33. Peter Allen “I Go To Rio”
32. Sylvester “You Make Me Feel Mighty Real”
31. Heather Small “Proud”
30. CeCe Peniston “Finally”
29. Madonna “Express Yourself”
28. Cyndi Lauper “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
27. Charlene “I’ve Never Been To Me”
26. Tim Curry “Sweet Transvestite”
25. Barry Manilow “Copacabana”
24. Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer “No More Tears”
23. Whitney Houston “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)”
22. Sister Sledge “We Are Family”
21. Queen “I Want To Break Free”
20. Dolly Parton “9 to 5”
19. Coming Out Crew “Free, Gay and Happy”
18. Village People “In the Navy”
17. Frankie Goes To Hollywood “Relax”
16. Village People “Macho Man”
15. Judy Garland “Over The Rainbow”
14. Bronski Beat “Smalltown Boy”
13. Diana Ross “I’m Coming Out”
12. Cher “Believe”
11. Gloria Gaynor “I Am What I Am”
10. Alicia Bridges “I Love The Nightlife”
9. Madonna “Vogue”
8. Olivia Netwon-John “Xanadu”
7. Kylie Minogue “Better The Devil You Know”
6. Pet Shop Boys “Go West”
5. Kylie Minogue “Your Disco Needs You”
4. The Weathergirls “It’s Raining Men”
3. Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive”
2. Village People “YMCA”
1. ABBA “Dancing Queen”
Nagging wife made hubby floppy
An Italian man is demanding £140,000 in compensation after claiming his wife's constant nagging left him impotent.
Sergio Vinucci, from Parma, has produced medical evidence in court that backs up his claims that his wife's nagging caused him so much stress that he has been left impotent.
He said: "All she ever does is complain. It is extremely stressful and it has left me unable to be a man. I want some compensation."
A guy who made a rude gesture at a cop said he could not help it because he had just had a seizure.
Epileptic Michael Beakbane, 52, denied he was being abusive when he moved his hand up and down.
But traffic officer Philip Newell told a court: "I took it he was calling me a wanker".
He said Beakbane gestured from the back of a van driven by his son Robert and was aggressive when questioned. He slammed a police car door on PC Peter Doran, dislocating his finger.
Former lorry driver Beakbane told JPs in Prestatyn, North Wales, he had been holding his false teeth. He was found guilty of threatening behaviour and assault.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Oh no! Patrick Swayze is on his last legs!!
Patrick Swayze is close to death with pancreatic cancer, it is reported.
The 55-year-old actor, most famous for roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, has as little as five weeks to live.
The disease, which was diagnosed in January, has already spread to his other vital organs and as such his chances of survival are virtually nil.
Check out this sexy Dirty Dancing scene:
Forget steamy nights of passion - all you need for some great sex is seven to 13 minutes, according to a US survey.
Even three minutes is deemed "adequate" in the study, which looks at the ideal length of time to have penetrative sex.
Americans and Canadians interviewed said seven to 13 minutes was the most "desirable", said the report published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
Intercourse lasting between three and seven minutes was "adequate", but anything less was "too short" and beyond 13 minutes was "too long".
The study aims to dispel unrealistic beliefs among couples that good sex should go on for a long time.
"In the fantasy model of male sexuality, men have large penises, rock-hard erections, and can sustain sexual activity all night long," researcher Dr Eric Corty was quoted as saying in an The Australian newspaper.
"It appears that many men and women hold this fantasy. The results from the present study, by providing a realistic not a fantasy model of sexuality, are useful both in treating people with sexual concerns and dysfunctions, and, with wider circulation, in preventing the onset of sexual dysfunctions."
Americans expect penetrative sex to last between 15 and 20 minutes, according to US studies, even though reports suggest it is over in less than half this time.
A Chinese man has started a service to help couples to break up.
Mr Che, of Yinkou city, says his clients usually don't have the courage to break up face-to-face.
Since the introduction of the service a year ago, Che says he has successfully broken up seven couples.
"If they break up in person, both parties may become emotional and unreasonable," he told the Liaosheng Evening Post.
"I can pass along information clearly, while convincing the party being broken up with to move on."
Che says he is approached by couples every day but will only take on those he feels comfortable with.
"I don't deal with married couples or disputes over money, or if I'm asked to lie," he explained.
He charges 124.70 yuan (nearly £10) a case, because the pronunciation of the amount sounds like the Chinese phrase "let the love die".
A tropical plant that smells of death is causing a bit of a stink, after blooming for the first time at a visitor attraction.
The Amorphophallus Konjac - better known as the Voodoo Lily - gives off a smell similar to rotting meat to attract flies to pollenate it.
Staff at the National Botanic Garden of Wales, in Carmarthenshire, hope the plant's strong aroma will entice curious visitors rather than putting them off.
A spokesman for the garden said: 'Hopefully, people will come along and give it a whiff. It's one of nature's gifts.
'Our gardener in charge of the tropical house says it will be stinking the house out by the end of the day and we're hoping the smell will last until the weekend so as many people as possible can experience it.'
Liz Whorely finally gives it up
Hurrah! The posh-sounding whore, Elizabeth Hurley, has announced that she is quitting the film industry.
The so-called actress, who starred in Austin Powers, has said she will not be appearing in any more movies because of the demands of motherhood, heatworld.com have reported.
Moses was high on drugs when he received the Ten Commandments from God, a top academic claimed yesterday.
Prof Benny Shannon believes Old Testament tales are records of visions brought on by hallucinogenic plants — similar to an acid trip.
The psychology don at Jerusalem’s Hebrew University says the Bible’s stories suggest "ancient Israelites regarded psycho-active plants in high esteem".
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
A bikini model in Japan has been cleared of property destruction after an appeal court heard that her large breasts meant she couldn't have committed the crime.
Serena Kozakura – her professional name – was convicted in 2007 of kicking a hole in a man's door and crawling inside, supposedly because she was angry that he was with another woman.
However, in her defence, her counsel asked the court to compare the size of the hole in the door with Kozakura's 110cm bust – and suggested that she couldn't possibly have made it through the gap. Kozakura maintains that the man made the hole himself.
The presiding judge agreed that Kozakura's bosom made her alleged crime an impossibility, and quashed her conviction.
After the verdict, Kozakura credited her boobies with the victory.
An adventurous owl has given up on more traditional methods of owl locomotion, like flying, instead opting to travel around on a bicycle.
Treacle the tawny owl loves to hop on to the handlebars of the bike and go for rides with wildlife centre owner Jenny Smith.
She has looked after Treacle since he was a baby and the two have become almost inseparable.
He would get into such a flap when she left that she let him hitch a lift on her mountain bike.
Lampposts on East London's Brick Lane have today been wrapped up in padding to protect Britain's clumsy texters.
The renowned capital curry haunt has been highlighted as the most dangerous place for mobile phone users to be texting with Londoners frequently picking up injuries ranging from bruises to fractured bones.
Whether it be the perils of walking into a lamppost while not keeping your eyes on the road or careering into a bin after a couple of drinks at a local drinking establishment, the street apparently poses many menaces to dozy phone users.
Monday, March 03, 2008
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her:
'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
He said . ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said.. We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Goodlooking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.
She said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
FUCKING IDIOTIC CUNT!!
This makes me so fucking mad!
A video which shows US soldiers torturing a puppy has sparked outrage after it appeared on internet sites such as YouTube.
The footage shows a man dressed in military uniform holding the black and white puppy up to the camera by the scruff of its neck.
He then hurls it into the distance and the puppy can be heard yelping as the men laugh.
This brings tears to my eyes
A man was taken to hospital with metal spikes embedded in his groin on Saturday, after he became impaled on a fence while taking a short cut.
The 33-year-old was found by police on patrol in Merton Square, Blyth, Northumberland at 1.38am.
A Northumbria Police spokesman said: 'A 33-year-old male was conscious and able to tell officers he had been taking a short cut over a wall when he feel onto metal spikes on top of the wall.
'The spikes had completely penetrated his right thigh near to his groin area.'
The spokesman said firefighters cut him free but he was taken to hospital with the spikes still in his leg.
It's a Monday and you just don't wanna get your ass out of bed for work. What do you do? A man in America took rather extreme measures.
Sheriff's detectives in Washington state say a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn't have to go to work.
When he first spoke with deputies, Daniel Kuch told them he'd been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was jogging Thursday.
But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid a drug test.
The friend has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch is expected to be charged with false reporting.
Knut has gone knuts!
Knut the polar bear is not so cute and cuddly anymore as experts warn he is a 'psychopath addicted to human company' who will never mate.
The 13-month-old bear is Berlin Zoo's most famous resident after he caused a sensation when he arrived in March last year.
But now he has grown into a 22 stone killing machine and is showing a more aggressive streak as he faces an uncertain and lonely future.
Zoologist Peter Arras described Knut as a "psychopath" and German activist, Frank Albrecht, claims animals born in captivity become so dependent on man that they end up divorced from nature and turn into hyperactive, disturbed freaks.
"Knut is a problem bear who has become addicted to human beings," Mr Albrecht told The Independent.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles. '
Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.
' I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
A group of Royal Marines stripped in a bar to play naked darts and pool.
One of the eight soldiers urinated on another while he did a naked push-up.
They stunned locals during a night out while on Arctic training exercises in Harstad, Norway.
Cecilie Kleppe, 29, said: "These men acted like monkeys with their bits flapping around in front of us. It was disgusting."
They were subsequently fined by police.
A hospital builder has been sacked after being caught having sex with a Henry the hoover.
The Polish contractor – who was supposed to be locking up the site – was found naked and on his knees with the smiling cleaner in the staff canteen.
A horrified security guard at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital told him to “clean himself and the hoover” before kicking him out.
The shameless builder later told bosses he was vacuuming his underwear – “a common practice in Poland”. Eww!
His firm was refurbishing offices 100 yards from the hospital in central London.
An insider said: “The guard who found him said he was groaning louder than the hoover.”
HG Construction, based in Hitchin, Herts, said: “That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh.”
Sunday, March 02, 2008
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter.
I wanted something that was
easy on gas and could zip
me to the store and
about town.
This seems to meet my EVERY need.
I love it!
Guys, have you got a flat, shapeless ass?
Underwear designer Andrew Christian has the perfect solution for all the flat bottom boys: “flashback technology,” which works tirelessly to give your ass a boost:
This underwear is essential gear for every guy. It features an invisible lifting support built into the seams of the underwear. The construction of the underwear automatically lifts the buttocks making it look firm and round without the need for any embarrassing padding, uncomfortable cups or straps hidden inside. Most people can add up to 1/2 to 1 inches onto their current buttocks measurements helping them achieve a rounder fuller look with this amazing new feature.
HULL EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
At 01:00 on Wednesday 27th February an earthquake, measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit Hull in the East Riding of Yorkshire causing untold disruption and distress.
Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Several priceless collections of momentos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged. Three areas of scientifically significant litter were disturbed. Thousands are still confused and bewildered trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Hull.
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old mother of three said “it was such a shock. Little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it but my punter got dressed and left. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning”.
According to Police however, looting, mugging and joyriding continued as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of sunny delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still sifting through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, heroin and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
£2 Buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four.
£10 can take a family to Scunthorpe for the day, where children can play on an unspoilt canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles.
£22 buys biros for a hundred people to fill out spurious compensation claims.
PLEASE ACT NOW
Collection points are available at your local branches of Aldi, Netto, Lidl and Clinton Cards.
Greatest Ass in the World Contest
Difficult choice but don't be swayed by just good looks...
Here they are; the three finalists for the '2007 Greatest Ass in the World Contest'.
THIRD place
SECOND PLACE
THE WINNER
Saturday, March 01, 2008
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute
luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began-
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight.The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy
blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy
her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued "She was so grateful
for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
"Please.. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
A new, high-tech supermarket has opened near my house. It uses interactive media to enhance the shopping experience.
When you go into the vegetable department you hear the sound of a distant rainstorm and can smell fresh, buttered sweetcorn.
When you approach the milk section you hear cows mooing and smell fresh hay.
When you go to the washing powder section you small fresh laundry and hear the rustle of a Spring breeze.
And when you approach the eggs you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with aroma of a full English breakfast.
I've decided to start buying my toilet paper from the local corner shop.
Get yourself a cheap-ass computer this summer!
THE UK’s first laptop for less than £100 is to go on sale this summer.
The Elonex ONE has a word processor and wireless internet but costs only £99.
The “ultra portable” computer, with a 7in screen and 1GB memory, is designed for kids and comes with educational software. But it can also play MP3s and games (like Pac-Man)
The low cost is due to its cheaper Linux operating system.
Elonex’s Sam Gould said: “We also expect it to be a huge success with adult learners, those who are always mobile, business users, the elderly and first-time internet users.”
An invaluable guide for those of you who venture to the darkest depths of Essex
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend')
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day')
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?')
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff')
eye-eels - Women's shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper')
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik')
OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig')
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan - The city of London, the big smoke
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour')
wonnid - Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already')
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos-MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Phew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'
'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'
So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.
'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.
'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'
'Just what the hell did you say to them?'
'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
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